Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Pms.
Now it has got to be 2 weeks pms perhaps.
He knew it and you have no freaking idea.
He always know. If he wishes to.
But you. I dont know.
You will ask. But im not sure if you ever wish to know any longer.
If i ever sense you dont care anymore.
I will not ever open up to you again.
You thought i was unhappy.
You have no idea what went wrong.
You have yet to get the idea.
The urgency.
The effort.
Not everything that loves you will sit still and wait for your forever.

I never expect anything from my goodwill to you.
I dont think you can ever repay me as well.
To the extend that ill be thankful for you.
All effort i have pour in for you and us are worth it.
They were not wasted.
Perhaps for now. You may live your live as best as it may take you. That would be your ultimate repayment to me.

I am a extravagent dreamy gal that gone simple and thankful. The little rebelious me and the ever larger than life me is still deeply burried. For everyone's happiness and comfort.
One day it will be unleashed and you will see my biggest smile ever plaster on my face.

I beg n pray for your inner peace and smooth ride in future undertaking.
I wish you well.
Same as his when he walks away.
I will take care of you both so long we are under the same company.

Goodnite


Sunday, 21 May 2017

520

The day that you called without warning.
I pushed you away so many time yet you came back for god knows what reason.
Please be a great distraction.
But please dont be a fuckboy.
I met quite a few these few years and it is enough.

If we are workable. Pls work it out.
Or else dont even try.

I will not be kind this time.
Dear Love.

You called me at an early hour today. Sounding like nothing has happened.
Like yesterday never happened.
The fact that i saw you and you saw me at town and you never called me right after and the hours later.

Was it because of the sensitive 520 date that you wish to avoid me thinking much that you are ready or something.  Haha... if you feel that im thinking too much and sound crazy it is all because how you overthink stuff and complicate things.

To be honest you made me very emotional and sad.
You make me wish to move on and not stay put for you. You made me feel so unwanted. I kept giving you reasons that this is a challenging period for you and that i should be more understanding. But you are not assuring me that things are gonna be okay.
Despite every odd thing i try to hold on and try to persevere. But it seems like im fighting this war alone.

From the get go it was me who keep giving n trying.
And time to time you told me you were trying as well but you just couldn't. It was not enough. It was close to 1.5 years already.

I dont know what makes you think i was not enough. You claimed that there are things between us that cant convinced you. Compatibility.
Im sorry that you cant work on that but i really have tried my best.

Things you found unsuitable other people found it attractive. I try push people away for extra chances for us. I wish not to put myself in a position to find a better person. Im afraid that i will not choose you if i have to make decision. Or do you prefer i choose otherwise? So that you could be spared from making any decision yourself.
Do you understand the unnerving feeling im going through?

There was a saying that says one will never put oneself in a position to lose someone if he or she is important to you.

I knew you were important to me when the tragic incident happened to you.
Because we both collapsed that week.
I wasnt the only one who cried with you.
And she has to make it a point to crush me and continue to tear all the little hope im holding for us.
And you did nothing to assure me.
Maybe you did but it wasnt encouraging.
That week itself. I wasnt needed. I was not needed.

Maybe you rather lose me than to face this drama at all. Tell me. What you wish me to do?
Continue to expect nothing and let nature take its course? Until the day you are ready?
Until you yet to see anyone better?
Or that day you dont see coming?

I had too many people asking me to move on from the get go. Everytime i shudder to the idea because i just couldnt face it.
I really wish to continue to hold on. But up to when? After the passing of the 100 days? How assured you are that you are capable to make decision by then?

I know there are things that cant be force. I wasnt desperate to want to be in love. But i kenot be held waiting for nothing and kept be denied. It really hurts me. It devalues me. I feel so worthless.
I really dont know how to face you love.

Im like a part time hang around gf.
More than best friend. But not a suitable one.
As at when needed then ill be around for you.
Always here waiting. Not seeking. Not forcing.
Cannot expect and cannot be jealous.

And hearing you today breaks me a little.
Cuz it was like it is okay for you to just talk to me when you feel like it and dump me aside when you dont wish to talk. I told myself this is temporary but i cant convinced myself. Days when it matters we dont talk or celebrate and when odd things happened we dont clarify.

I bet you have no idea i was mad at all.

I couldnt bring myself to do it.
Maybe cuz it really dont matter now.
One day when the jealousy subsides.
I will know what to do.

And making this hearbreak decision myself could be the last good thing i can ever do for you.

I wish you happiness dear.
I wish you love.
It wont be from me but they would be from whom you love.

And it will be worth it.
Day when you know how to make decision because you have no doubt on her.
Compatible at its greatest form.
I dont doubt you will find her.
I only wish she love you the same as once i could.

We are gonna be best of friends.
This i promise you.
And i will show you how i could be diplomatic on work and relationship and this time you will finally see how it is workable.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Much relieved to see you more lively these few days.
Your annoying sarcasm is back and im most glad to hear them out loud.

They said if your conversation with someone you are close with getting shorter, the conversation between that someone with another is getting longer.

I dont think that applies to us yet. Maybe one day. 
I just hope you have sufficient sleep everynight.
Some comfortable dreams and visions that encourage you.

I dont get many good night lately. Haha...
Apparently i still get jealous over translated chinese words on her wall.
I just... i wish the translation option could just disappeared.
Or perhaps ill just increase the ignorance level. Something i became good at.
Im happy that im still jealous.
I promise you one day i will no longer.
We all gonna be best of friends.
I assured you that. Because both of you have different value to me. Both equally worthy to cherish for.

My house is gonna be ready in 2 weeks.
To much expectation and expenses.
I finally begin to see it becoming.
I only hope that the end product is something i can live with.

Boss got me brainwashed for literally 3 hours. All of our colleagues were called in for meeting.
Something i hate especially for repeated thing which doesnt apply to my core job. But then again everytime he speaks i somehow will listen and buy his talk.

I thk he is a good manipulater in a great way. Somehow he can convinced me to do things as he wants. Imagine if he is your bf and he could make you do all he wants. Hahaha...Perfectly realist and his frankness might surprise you.

I begin to really see how he got to be at his position.
Well... pbb together we are the best.

Funny how i become someone who no longer care about my own reputation. No longer feel challenged by others. Either im too comfortable helping others or that i just lose the passion. Leo in nature is competitive. Boss said something that kinda make me feel bad. He said i have proved to him that i am capable to do well in target. But i slumped. Be more aggresive and realligned your strategy. Dont just help others. Haha... so he sees.... :)

What do i do?
I felt overworked.
The compliance and the new centre setting up. More adjustment and changes. Work load and restrictions and gosh... im a bit pressured by all this.

Some more the house stuff. The money arrangement... fortunately i have a very caring cousin brother who helped me so much despite not earning a single dime from me.
He and his sister are very kind to me.
Owe them big one.
Thank you much :)

Distance between us is further than 45 minutes now.
That made me so stumbled. Fumbled.
Things happen i guess.

Again i have to go through my own journey making things happen on my own.
You werent around.
You couldnt. But would you if you could?

Not asking you this give me the power to give you the benefit of a doubt.

I probably dont like your answer anyway.

Sigh.



Saturday, 13 May 2017

Are we gonna lose it?

Is this period starting to make u feel that perhaps it is not all so worth it?

Missing one person and continue loving another has no interference.

It is a challenging period to you. Adjustment and
Changes along the way.
I really tried not to step overboard.
Maybe i still do. But i tried not to.
I really dont know how to uncare once i start caring.
It seems everything i say or do doesnt make sense or even useful now.

I dont know how much you need any support or some warm wishes.
I dont wish to put you off.
I dont wish you to be alone as well.
I knew u have good siblings and family member around. They did wonderful.

Im really just an extra.
I only seek this extra is not being annoying to you.

Perhaps we need a lot of time.
Im not even sure this 100 days can make any different.

We all eventually have to move on.
During this trying period. You will lose some
Hope. Dream. Desire. Wanting. Needs.
Characters. All u ever believe might be no longer valid.

You will see also some truth about human' nature on which of them actually care about you.

Things i dont ask doesnt mean i dont care or dont wish to know. Sometimes i prefer to trust you did everythong for a reason. And i simply know you needed to do so.

Puting your mama photo as ir profile picture.
I thought it was pretty sweet.
It was lovely. She was so beautiful in it. And to do it on mother's day? It was really sweet.
But everything must have its quota.
You can only choose to indulge to missing her some hours of everyday.
You have to have life balance.
Life might not be meaningful anymore but you gotta still be living this life for her.

Unless she wants it back.
Or else you fucking deal with it on how to survive this cruel world. It was her gift for you.
Weather it was laws of attraction or power of nature or watever shit. Things happen mostly without explanation. This time it chose to hit you hard and leave no reason for you to decipher.
Its unfair. Painful is an understatement.


I am sad seeing you and us deteriorate like this.
Could you ease my mind once in awhile?
On what you think about us and do we still have nothing within us.
Will you still try your level best?

Or would you send me to someone else ?
Would you fight to want me stay?
I know i shouldnt be questioning this now.
But im still alive. I feel things.
Maybe at this hour im still not important.
But i hope you manage to be better for those family members who are also trying to live for her.
Time will help you. Given enough time. You will be able to stand strong. I hope you dont push this away as well.

Happy mothet's day to both your mama n my mama.
You have been a good boy and she deserve all the credit every compliment directed to you.

Mrs Koo.
Pls know that your son has been so well mannered.
Mostly all of us likes him due to his good nature snd overall well being.
Thanks for forming him into the man he is and gving us the opportunity for us to meet him.

You will be missed deeply.
Help him slowly moved on.

Continue to bless him.
Every boy need his mama.
You were his rock, home and every reason he came home to.

I hope you knew he loves you so very much.



Monday, 8 May 2017

Dear love.

No matter what my future holds.
What us will lead to.

I will walk with you this rough patches.
I dont know why it has got to be this rough at this period of time.
But this halt is never welcome period.
I wish i could make you fall asleep at least one peaceful night so it could reduce your pain.
At least temporary.

Trust me when i tell you i could feel your pain.
There isnt a day goes by that i wonder how are you going through each day without her.
It was how i exactly i go on without my baby every day since he was gone.

A lot of things you need to get used to.
A lot of things will change.
Every corner at home you will still see her and too many memory flash back that will kill you.
Because i knew that feeling so it hit me as hard as it hit you now.

You have to be strong for her to move on. Help her and help yourself love. No matter how you cant let go. You have to slowly do so.
When i lost my baby. Every night i pray.
I hope he goes to better place.
I hope all his love for me and his saviour and sacrfices will lead him to a better place.
Everyday i seek forgiveness and if i have to trade anything for his well being in afterlife. Just take it.

But i guess im the worst example you can ever refer. Cuz i couldnt move on. I just try to forget and ignore.
Try to wipe off the past 12 years memories i had with him. Pure stupidness. Haha...
Thats y i hardly say much. Nothing anyone say will ever mend your heart now. Especially it seems i just couldnt bring the right word to say at the right time.

I can only continue to be here and whenever you need someone to listen to. To talk to. Anything you ask babe. Im just one text or call away.
You have no idea how willing i am. At least for now.

But you gotta promise to try to live. I promise you that the world still got alot to offer. See more and experience more before it takes you away from people who loves you.

Believe that one day u guys will be reunited.
Funny how i dun believe in god. But i would pray when im lost. When i am incapable to help the one i love. Like you. For now. I just duno what i can do. Im helpless.

The energy of believe and having faith is very powerful. I knew it was intangible to say that my baby and i will be together again once i die. You knew it might not happen. But it doesnt harm to believe in it. At least i am not afraid of dying.
I only dont wish my mom to suffer without me around.

Haha...

Things i suffer for those that i love.
Love. She dont has a choice. You have.
Live for her. Be fair to her. Cuz those up there they definitely didnt been fair to her.
Be better in time.
I know you will manage it. Slowly and surely.
I will support you until you are ready to brave the world alone.

Let it ache.
Let it tear.
Let it crumble.
Collapse if you may.
When you hit rock bottom please do remember to reach out to us. We are here waiting you to walk out of somberness.
Whenever you are ready. :')

Take care love.
Im so used to being fed with your attention and
I am too a bit lost not having it suddenly.
Maybe its my turn to reverse the role?
Your well being is my concern.
I couldnt be the reason for your happiness. I wish though.
I would like to try. Maybe you wont be ever to feel the same contended feeling again.
But yes. You will be able to be okay soonest.

Ill be strong until you get better.
Gayao.


Saturday, 6 May 2017

Things i did for love.

Went to ntlp 20th last friday alone again. Every year since i became ex newtuner and officially joined the oldtuner's gp, i will reserve 2 seats for me and if i am lucky for the plus one.

And every year that he will dissapoint me.
I guess it is for the better. When you are alone u get to do things your way. And ntlp was always a gathering for all newtuners.

So we will try to gather around and chat.
Well.
It is okay.
This is a precious thing i always wish to share. But only for those who cares.

Ntlp is already 20 yrs old.
How time pass.
Im on my 6th year as senior.
I cant remember very strongly how the past 5 years has gone but i did went every year.
The only passion that has yet to die.

Period. House renovation.
Noise polution.
Stress. Eating disorder again.
Love is sick. And me too is sick.
Next week atm week lagi.
Arghhhhh....

Hope you are fine, love.

Sunday, 30 April 2017

Dear Love.

I think i expected too much too soon from you.
You were back on Wednesday and we spent the evening together.
That was such a relieve to see you brave up to face the world. And me. Every step we took i had an urgency to hug you. Im not sure the hug is for me or for you. As always you never seems inviting for intimacy. I could foresee that you might push me away. Or you might not. I really dont know.

We done some silly things together. As always.
I wish i could distract you but mostly i wish that you can release your pain with me. We can commemorate her in a way u like like recalling your time with her. Her jokes you used to tell me...
Things u wish to do to be able to feel better.

I have this big a heart dedicated to you and its waiting for your calling. But it seems you favour another form of healing. Either way babe. Your well being is my biggest concern. Any method you choose ill be standing by untill you are better.
I wish u heal the right way. A healthy moving on.

To me. For her. From everything i know about her from you and generally as a mother.
Dont doubt that she doesnt love you by leaving in such tragic.
Dont doubt that you are not a good child for not be able to do any extra.
Every small things you do and make her feel.
When you finish all her cooks.
When you watch tv with her.
When you tell her your bad and good day.
When you reach home safe.
When you call her mom.
When all your close friends knows about her.
All these are all she ever wanted from a child.

Surely you may do extra love. But you were not given a chance. Life they dont judge fairly.
Not everyone was ever so lucky.
I wishes her well in afterlife.

Mostly i wishes you be able to carry on her legacy until the day your final day bid us goodbye.
She has given her everything to form this 25 yrs old brilliant independant kind man. A brave heart and a smart head. It took her 9 months to form all your greatness and a long term life commitment to shape you into you today.
The last thing she ever want is to see all these
 collapse before her eyes.

Live on love.
Live on with her gift.
This bitter scare will not heal.
A lost so big will leave a forever hole in your heart that no one can ever fill.
Every day u will be missing her and everything arround you will remind you of her.
And you should.
So that the fond memories will be vividly kept for a good long time.
Its gonna be pain and ache love.
But you will not die.
In fact you will be even compassionate to those who suffer the same.

Every hour and every day you will breathe harder and one day you will be better with this new found rhythm.

She has her calling. Perhaps her duty as a full time mom is finally rewarded with eternal sunshine, a place of forever confort? The best are always taken much earlier right?

I know this is bullshit. But we will not be given answer. Holding grudge will only made her fearing to move on and couldnt bid a final farewell.
Embrace all the ticking time given now and ready to let it be soonest. Let her move on.

Love you have no choice.
I wish i could exchange my every worth of every fibre of my being to give you that choice.
But who are we to negotiate?

Dont be afraid.
Please let me walk with you.
Walk while carrying so much of her inside you.
She will see the man you are becoming.
Now go make her proud.

Be better in time love.
The final lesson we got is to live life now.
Cuz we dont know when is our calling due.
I will only give u up to that 100 days.

Dont make me spend even one more day extra questioning.
Im not gonna give you that chance.
If for the mercy of whoever we got to live and see the 100th days later.

Ill be here and we wont be seeing each other for the coming 7 days. Till then;

Meditate your soul babe.
Time heals.
I have faith in you.

Dont make me lose you too.










Sunday, 23 April 2017

Dear love.

It has been 1 week. And yesterday it feels like you again.
It feels natural but im not sure if you're faking it to appear fine and okay.

It hope you are stable. Cuz it makes me feel better.
I always feel like im talking to 3 different human when he is actually just you.
The face to face you.
The on the phone you.
The texting you.

Each of you give me a different feeling.
They are all good.
Haha... like im dating a man with 3 personalities....
Huhu.... how spooky neh.

I guess it suits me with my own 3 precious personality too. Haha... how crazy.

He knows about it. He knows about it long b4.
Our story goes wat back right babe? Since year end 2015 i supposed.

Wow... how time passed!
I still havent really shake off the 1st image i had of you. You were passing through the alley infront of gilbert's room with the red shirt. How lansi.

Skinny medium height boy quite charming from my seat view. Super young. Aiks... another didi.

Then u gone MIA for course 2 weeks.
No thanks to the Epoh trip and the spell kinda take over. The rest was history.

Fast forward back to yesterday.
It feels like us again.
I feel relieved. I wish this incident made you a stronger man and not the other way round.
Most importantly not to give up on life.
The way u assured me was everything.
Even if whatever we have gotta change, i want the very best for you and it shall only get better in time.

Anything you need to get you there i will assist.
It is no brainer on that matter.

Dear love.

I had 2 unsent gift for u. One was back in year 2016 december. One is from today.
I wonder how i would hand it over to you.
But i guess it would be just a matter of time.
After that incident it further assure me that i should just do what i want. And not holding back. This urgency has always been in my mind cuz i dont see myself having the luxury of procastinate years ahead.

** If i had to leave b4 i hand over to you. Pls claim it from my mom in Joshua.

But i was always more concern towards other 's well being that i rather hold back for their comfort. This time i wont.

What we have is complicated.
I dont like it. Complication has been a norm in my life and i hate it so much i no longer need more of it from anyone or any situation.

Thats y i appear simple and to an extend of being thoughtless. When i was living and breathing thoughts, you were not here in my life yet dearest.
You dont know me yet. You would never want to know that crazy gal.

What we had was clear from the beginning.
What i felt was genuine.

Your certainties? Im not too sure if they were answered.

To me those uncertainties are pointless if you dont seek for answers. Or make effort to solve it.

Anyway. This is our testing time. Your challenging period. I only want the best for you with or without me. But dont push me away for the 2nd time.
I gave in once the 1st time you dont want me around cuz your well being is my sole intention.

But i wont tolerate it this time unless im settled for the fact i am just a burden and im not needed at all for the whole healing process.

If by the end of this journey u walk out better knowing that i am still not the right person for you to walk the rest of your life with, then we make the right call right away. Cuz no point sabotaging our beautiful friendship and our 38 group.

Hmmp. At least 100 days.

I miss you thats for sure.
So much so my world doesnt seems the same when you lost her that day.
Thats when i feel that my world revolves around you.
Thats when i know my heart's calling.

Things i am capable to do and handle for my love sometimes is beyond what i can ever imagine.
I have a lot of things planned for us this coming days.
For us me or you.

I hope it give you some purpose while i keep disturbing you. I might be abit lebih in a lot of ways but my intention is just to make you feel occupied and better, loved.

I hope what we have can grow strong against all odd. If not by this end of the year i wish to conclude and move on. 2 years of prolonged decision making is wearing me out. But i am truly grateful for everything that happenned and knowing you is a blessing.

Friends calls me stupid. But if i were destined to choose the person i love who doesnt love me back, be it.
Cuz i couldnt and will never choose the person who love me more knowing my heart belong to another person.
It i were meant to suffer this curse, be it. Anyway it has been 10 years since 1st crush.
Be it!
Im used to it. Just perhaps after this boy ill go pure lesbian. Even if im not ill just declare as one.

I think if one day i had to leave without goodbye.
Whoever read my journey kindly please lead him here and let him read my feeling to bid me goodbye.
Cuz im not sure if i can do it vocally or even have the opportunity to say it myself.

Ronan keating sings a song once i kinda love..
It goes....

*
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
*

The coping of losing someone you love is very difficult to sink in. It takes a great length of time.
I know cuz i never really recover losing my dog.
To you it was just a pet. To me he was my family.

The only one who stood by me when my family couldnt provide me security and love. He was the only one i had. I remember hugging him crying and him giving me hope to carry on this pathetic life.

I only trying to forget to get by and to move on. But it never gonna recover.

So dearest.
You gotta be better than me. Dare to miss the memory and recall the lovely memories or you will regret just like me cuz i couldnt remember my love very well now. Memory hurts but also warming.

It pains but it gets you through tough days when you thought it was worthless.

Gayao.

I wish i had you when i lost him.
I wont let you go through it without knowing that someone care enough for your to break down if u ever wish to.
Your family unity warms me.
I know u are not alone.
I could be an extra help.
It could be little to you.
But it is huge to me.
Cuz it marks my position where no one can replace.


I guess i shall see u coming wednesday okay?
:)

I should be napping but i couldnt.
Sigh.


Thursday, 20 April 2017

Dear you,

Im glad you manage to talk.
Im sorry if i push you too hard on it.
I guess im selfish?
I just wanna hear you. So bad.

You keep assure me to give you some time.
Ill wait. You will be okay in time.
Not rushing anywhere anytime now.
Im just abit uneasy and not used to see you like this.
Take all the time you need. Recovery need its time.

We are human after all.

Somehow in this topic, im blessed with an on off button.

Or else ill probably chocked to dead with my own tears.

Gayao babe.



Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Dear you,

It's so weird. Why do i feel weird? Maybe it is just a shuffle of period we must endure. Maybe you are still struggling with the emotion and i somehow couldnt be the one with the most correct words to say. I dont know how dearest.

I dont know how to become your remedy when my presence is not what you want.

All you need is time. I understand and thats exactly what you seek as well. And time shall be granted.

Dont take too long though.
I cant stand being alone too long.
You have spoiled me enough with your attention.
And you know clearly that i have the best imagination ever.

The satelite has been signaling all others that the award for best saddest gal goes to her.
That kinda pissed me off.

I know my position.
I hope you like me to be in that position.
And respect it and continue invest in me.

Dear love.

I know you are never a reader and perhsps you might never come accross this page ever in your life.

Things i do for love.
I dont go shout out loud and let the world knows.
I only seek him to feel and aware.
I dont mind people misunderstand me.
Cuz they werent the one i need to report to.

Im coping with alot of work load and stress.
And my urgency for your trusting in me in your cases got me push even harder.
I never like this feeling. Im most willing to endure this for you but you gotta be back soonest.

Ill be strong for as long as you need me to.
But by the time i collapse you may need to help me pick up my pieces too.

Life is cruel and kind.
They let you have the best in world but may demand back whenever they wanted. You told me so.

Thus be appreciative towards important people and priorities.

Slowly love.
Im not going anywer anytime soon.
Till you decided you are done with me.

Gudnite

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Dear Love.

How are you today?

Did anyone disturb you?

I only manage to cover so much. I hope it is sufficient.

Since im not allowed be near you or see you or brace this difficult time with you, covering these pack of agents and new cases are the only thing i can do. Which im good at. Hmmp...

Not that im given a chance to choose am i?

I guess some people rant at it publicly?
How inconsiderate at this moment of truth.
I mean she can be immature at all time but cant she at least spare a respect for the person who is grieving a one day off? A simple request demanded.
Considering who is whose most important i suppose i should be more pissed.

Anyway. Its never about her.

Sigh.
I am wondering the fact that you hold the cases as long as you could and out of sudden you really listen to me and allow me to assist you. It could be a way to keep me occupied huh? So i dont have to think about you?

:(

Or maybe not.
I wish you can take the time off over the weekend and really chill down and back fresh and with strength.
No one can ever recover from a lost so huge.
No one is ever ready.
We can only slowly accept and move on.

Dont take too long leave.
You know i cant take it anymore too.
I wanna laugh and cry at the same time at my intention now. Haiz...

We still have many days and perhaps years ahead of us. Together or not.
You made me wanna live longer now cuz you are not going to lose anyone ever again.
Haha... if i ever mean so much to you.

I wish you have a safe journey to send mama to her eternal peaceful rest tomorrow.
A place next time you might wanna bring me see her to pay my respect when you are ready with both she and I.

I hope the day be kinder to you.
Enough of the rain and the sun can back off for awhile.
It would be the longest and hardest day for you.
Hold on dear...
Just hold on.

Loved child.
Be okay.

Ill be here waiting with embrace.




Monday, 17 April 2017

Dear Love,

These few days has been awfully long and painful.
I wonder for a second if you ever wish i was by your side.
I hope you knew that i wishes to be with you every hour.
I hope you know your importance to me.
I wish every night that i could wake up to next morning like these past days were just nightmares we both wake up to.
Then you will wish me good morning and ill start nagging u on daily task while u nag me back on my water level.

But i guess it wont be happening. Silly still it seems like im the one who cant move on.
Im a sucker to changes. I can see many things will follow suit.
I dont wish you to lose your passion and vibrant.
While... i just dont wish to lose you.

Ill be your rock as you have been mine.

Your absence makes the office mode somber as everyone here felt for you.
That is your impact to us.
You made your mark in Seremban branch.
And that defines you as a wonderful colleague and as a person.

I heard the satelite will loom over to your place without consent given. Then i guess im not brave enough to disobey you cuz your well being is my priority. Be it emotionally or physically.

I know u will be back and against all odd, we will make it. Because im not giving up. Unless you say outright wanting me away and im nothing but a burden who is consuming you alive.
Or else im not backing off.

When i lose my baby. Not a day goes by i cried while saying goodnight to the space where he normally laid while i closes the door. 12 years of practice and i had to put him to sleep.
Not a day goes by without guilt and pain.
In order to function, i try to forget. Try to avoid.
To a state i cant recall much of his memory. It wasnt a way to recover but i had no choice. I dont have you yet.

I hope you recover in the right way.

Dear love.
No one will ever come close to match her love and best wishes to you.
But one can always come next.
Only if you could open up your heart again to love.

:)

Take good care of yourself until we meet.
Soonest.
Ill brave up for you.






Sunday, 16 April 2017

Dear love.

Your voice has the best meditation effect on me.
Hearing you knowing you are there and fine calms me.

These few days has been hard.
Someone who has always been so caring of me suddenly suffers the darkest moment in his life.
I wanna be there for you so much but you denied my presence.

I know your intention was kind and it was a pressure to see me while you are meditating and focus for your loved one.
Still it will be my biggest regret not being able to be there for u physically.
It wasnt a measurement of what anyway.
It simply means i care.
Whether im with you or not. I cant function knowing you are heartbroken.

I can only choose to respect your decision.
Im glad you are surrounded by your family and siblings.
Trust me. Nothing else your mama wish to see now other than this. Family unity surrounding her and walk with her to her final eternal journey.

I am one not good with words in the right situation.
I might not always give the best solution or the right advise at this situation.
Like you, when i suffer from lost, I only choose to hide myself.

But unlike you, i never have someone like me to keep bugging me during my darkest hour.
I havent know you yet.

So i dont know how i would react to over caring close to bugging state given by the closest one.
But knowing you for as long as i have and can get,
I would respect your time and space.

I promise to be around.
To be here there and whenever you need.
I dont wish you to deny the only one thing i could do now for now.

Be brave to pick up the pieces when you are ready to walk again. She will shine your way.
Do it for her. For all of us who care and love you.
Take all the time you need.



Friday, 14 April 2017

Dear love.

Seeing you so broken and distance breaks my heart.
I wish i could hug you and and let you release all your pain and if it comforts you.
But i dont know how.
I can see that you are fighting back tears and emotion. You are trying to assure everyone that you are okay and is trying to at least.

I dont know if my presence is more of a pressure or comfort. Worst still if my presence or textes annoys you for now.

Still I wish to be with you right now. I dont mind the hospital accomodation. I might not like it. I might be afraid but im willing so long i can standby for you. We can be in total silence or we could just talk random things. I could listen to you all day. U knew it.

I know im nobody. That makes it harder for me to request being by your side and for you to want to accept my offer now.

Gosh... fuck positions. It didnt come across my mind at all. All I know is that you matter now and i wish to deliver any effort at all for you and your beloved.

This has never happen before. This raw emotion and heartache i felt seeing someone so despair.
Wanting so much to take your place and trade negotiable worth to free your sadness. I wish i could somehow lift your sorrow and i wish all these were just nightmares.

I wish we can undo things.

I wish we could choose things.

I wish you could forever be happy and carefree.

I never love someone enough to want all the very best for him even if it takes all of me to grant him his dreams.

Dear you.
It has been unfair to have you deal with this sudden critical adjustment.
I hope you can allow me to be there for you.
Knowing that i will let go everything now just to go through this with you.
I knew i have a special place in your priority.
Promise to tell me. Anything at all.
Anytime you want it.

I just want you to be okay. To eat and sleep.
You need energy and an alert composure to make decision, to monitor and to fully take care of your mama.
The more i ask the more it gets on your nerve.
I might not be the right person or speak the most correct words at the right time.
But it kills me to see you so fragile.

Let me be part of the assistant.
I have cried so much these 2 days for a woman who i have never met (until today) but heard a lot since the day i know her son. All from her son's compliments about her cooking, her well being, his effort raising the family and her grace.
Knowing the bitter truth that he could have lost her forever and how it could affect him.

Aunty aka Mrs Koo
You dont know me yet.
Im your son's bully.
One that always causes him bad late sleeps.
Sometimes got him thinking hard too.
I wish you could get to know me.
Scolding your son on his slow progress in courtship.
I wish you can see the man he is becoming.
Watch him do great things.
A good man whom you raised and be proud of.

Dear Aunt.
Do know that youre so loved by family.
Dont just give up without a even trying.

Silly things i did for love.

I came across 1 doctor and 1 nurse.
Because i wanna ask and help and ask too many questions, the next reply from them would be who are you to the family?

You know what i answered?

Im the daughter in law.
Im the gf.

The sudden glee moment to even tell it outloud. It was necessary to use the position. Cuz hospital apply Pdpa setting too. So i lied. It was almost a privilege.

But i guess what we have will be further prolonged.
This incident got me even clearer on things.
I guess it will be hard for someone else to challenge your position.

If this can be exchanged to your mama recovery.
Im willing to wait forever.

Dear Love.

Please be well.
Sleep and eat good cuz u need the energy.

I promise to take care of myself cuz i cant fall sick during my standby mode.

Im just a text away.

Dont push me away please.

Do know that i am here waiting for your request.

I miss us already.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

I didnt know someone you love could affect you so much.
But i rather not get it proven like this.
I wish i wake up 2morow and all these were just a nightmare.

That we didnt encounter the incident.
That she was fine. And you were home.
Today is the longest day i had to encounter.
Time passes so slowly and every minute is so suffocating.

Nobody will ever know how to face someone who is losing a loved one.
I brave myself cuz i really care of him.
I would rather be there being helpless than not seeing him not knowing how he is doing.

That is exactly what is happening.

He is a strong man and i know he can control and react to situation very analytically and independently. But it just pains me seeing him so somber and not able to release his tension and ache.

It kills me to see him go through this.
I would wish that i could take it out from him and let me endure instead.

That is how much i love him as i know.
But only if the world works in my way.

I pray for your miricle recovery dear Mrs Koo.
He loves you dearly and please be strong for the family.

You havent even meet me yet.
Stay strong okay.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Dear God,

Im sorry. Im really sorry.
I know im a sinner.
Im filled of guilt and im most willing to bear it all on myself.

Spare it from my love.
Please please please i beg u please.
He is innocent.
Dont take his love away.
Please dont take his youth and freedom and most importantly his everything away.

He is only so young.
He dont deserve any heartbreak like this.
It is too hard and too unfair.

I beg you please.
Spare him. Take away my happiness.
Let him be okay.

I couldnt live without knowing he is fine.
I cant even see him being so helpless.
I promise to be better.
I seek your forgiveness.
Dont take away his comfort.
Dont take away his love.

He is only so young.

My heart cant cope with this pain.
Spare me this cruelty.

Take my happiness.

I seek your forgiveness.
If only your generous soul can ever find place to forgive me.
Let me fix myself.
Let me be better.

Ill do good.
Ill be kinder.

Just let him has his escape.
Dont take away his happiness.

Please.


Monday, 3 April 2017

Silly of me who still wait for u.

Another 5 min. A abit more while. Until 12am maybe...

Yes. I was the one who wish for it. And i also wish to see how you do otherwise.

Stupid me who still hesitate to start seeing another potential contender just because i feel like betraying when we have nothing between us.

I appear to be like single but not availble.

But in actuality im like available but feeling not quite single.

Do you get what i mean?

Ill get better i promise.

Time heals.

Time forgets.

Time erases.

Time is all i need.

2nd quarter of the year.
April is officily in.
Lets see what it has got to bring.

A lot of movies in line.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

A sky full of stars concert @ Singapore.

A sky full of stars and A head full of dreams.

Just the song and album titles are enough to catch my attention.


And that faithful day of 31st March 2017 marked a historical day of my life seeing one of the most respectable band in the world perform at Singapore.

Ohhh the effort i have to make to see them at Singapore live!

I was really lucky. I manage to contact a friend who is working at SG to assist me. She got a nice colleague who with sibeh good luck managed to logged in and score us all tickets.



March is a crucial time for bank and almost all of us were close to being denied leave.
I worked very hard to achieve my target so i can go onleave peacefully.

The long awaited concert since last year has finally arrived. I was seated next to yenming and her fiance.

The crowd. My goodness. It was even crazier than BSB's. The great stadium was a full house.
I think it was stated either 50k or 60k capacity whole house.

We were given LED wrist band and a pin for average price seating. More goodies for vip i think.


They were on time and played non stop for 2 hours.
Show started at 8pm and by then there was no turning back. We got so high and start jumping screaming and dancing like no body's business.
My old bones and muscles are aching now.

The old hits got me shivering and goosies all over.
Some songs got me teary and many songs got me jumping so crazily. Everybody was. The crowd was amazing! Hardly anyone sit anyway.

I was not at all disappoint!
I can only imagine how great it must be to be at the rockzone. But i couldnt afford the youngster's energy to line up super early just to queue to get the best rockzone spot. And im not super tall and i went to the concert solely.



Met some old friends and junior.
Slept over at bestie rented apartment.
Got to go and do some crazy tourist stuff like ridding the eye of singapore.
Sky ride at Sentosa.
Walk around marina bay for the 2nd time. This time it was at night and with a broken shoe.

I got to experienced the impecable discipline of MRT and bus and cab services.

It is a whole new culture and eye opening experiences. Now i truly see why and how they are capable to stand so strong with ever growing currency.

Something which Malaysia will need more time to learn.
1st thing 1st... bribery gotta be stopped.
Children need to be taught well. Discipline.

Coldplay concert and SG visitation is the 1st good thing in this 1st quarter of year 2017.
I hope it doesnt stop here.

To coldplay:

Thanks for coming to South East Asia and chose the closest spot to my country so that i can witness your glorious performance live at Singapore.

You are the band i grow to love. And will keep loving on. I might not be your biggest band' fans but i am one who truly appreciate your concert and your songs.
I am one of the stars that sparks with your wonder and will continue to be one so long you cater the universe of wonder for us.

#coldplay


Saturday, 25 March 2017

I hope one day if u open my page here and realized how much ive have tried.
But in tired.

I kinda foresee the fragment of our future and how unfortunate it will be.
I hope it will not happen that way.
Because if it does. It will break my heart to not choose you cuz ive done giving you chances and excuses.

I might regret it if i choose to do so.
I might regret it all time.
It is very difficult for me to detach but if im capable to saying no to you. It means i have chosen someone else who respect my worth more.
Who doesnt make me question us.
Who doesnt deny me.
Who doesnt choose otherwise.

I cant possibly hurt someone who put me as priority right?

But hey. I guess im overthink anyway.
You are much wiser.

Distractions.
Some silly lady luck.
Its funny how my mouth or mind have some magic spell.
Whenever i want something. It will happen.
And i was kept distracted lately.
I hope they are all good people.
I dont yearn for anything seriously.

I just wanna know more people.
See more things.
Be more open minded.
Be positive.
Be stress free.

Family issues they are ever revolving.
Mine, they are under control. For now.
But they are land mines. You never know when or what will they be triggered.

But theirs, i seriously cant cope and they have to come to me.
Why me? Easier to be bullied?
It is a curse i believe. Some curse it last for few generations. Some skips generation.
Worry not. All will end in this with my generation.

Broken genes shall not be passed down.
The world doesnt need another Joanne or any Chai's passing down.

Im scared.
I kinda know what i should do but im not strong.
Im not built with armour and im no hero.
Im kind. Stupid kinda kind. I can be selfless so bad it will scares you. But i cant. At least for this time i cant. Im sorry i cant.

It is not my responsibility to bear and it shall not be.
Dont put the pressure on me.
I had enough of them from my own source of genes.
I dont need it from others.

I got a life to live.
Dont force me back to the place i tried so hard moving on.

I would reach out for u if i can.
But i have limit.
If you have mind. You will understand.
But i never really care how other perceive me.
The one who cares will know.
Those who cant doesnt matter i guess.

Im sorry.





Saturday, 4 March 2017

Kindness. Not something people use on me except for the closest ones.

Am I? 

I think i was betrayed by a good friend who really cares of me.
I will never confine in her again.
Cuz she has broken my trust.
I wonder if she did the same the previous time.
And the said person took her advise.
And i wonder if that is the outcome of today.
To my benefit or not i dont think ill ever find out.
Cuz if that didnt happened. I wouldnt have know you today. 

But ultimately i know she really cares of me.
Im touched but mad at the same time.
My affections are publicly displayed while hers are mostly untangible. But i felt them. So thank you dearest.  

But if he reads me here. The story would be almost the same.
But by reading me details are more accurate i guess.
At least on the date. On the genuine heartfelt unhidden. Unafraid to be expressed.
Remember that by the virtue of conversation, we are often challenged by ego and shame. Thus there will always be variance or facts unspoken.
Im glad by the nature of a man or just him who cares, clarification was done.

Am i hurting? 
Am i suffering? 
Yes. If i continue to expect something being denied for countless time.

Hence the 4th round of long talk.
An assurance to him that im okay.
And we are okay :)
Talking to him makes me understand things about me.
Its like while you are learning about another person, you discover part of yourself that you never knew.
When you talk without much hesitation and judgement... you know you are talking truth rather than talking nice.

If my friends knew this. They will definitely said that this is absolutely stupid and lebih.
X suka dont waste time. Why continue to talk so much?

There are more than just that. Perhaps im just stupid. But i care. Friends 1st above all others.
We were good friends above anything else.
So i have fallen for a good friend?
Awh... cheesy typical stupid gal.

Why do i always feel like im confessing?

The 1st was when i was told that i misunderstood a fact from him. I called him a cheater. He denied it. That night all hell break lose. The night on my senior's wedding. It was a pretty bad weeks i must say.

2nd was when?? I cant recall the exact date. But i thk somewhere in the blog i have it written. Hahah...
Oh yea. It was about his bestfriend and how i manage to be normal against the taboos. Now i show you how.

3rd is definitely after vday 2017. I tried holding back by avoid talking and texting. One sided and it turns out i was mostly revenging. Lol...

Why do i say it as confession.... in all 3 uneventful situations, we both confesses liking.

But it wasnt enough for him to proceed while i couldnt bring myself to force him to.

He couldnt let go while i havent.

The final time i asked him to hold the affection to allow me to back off slowly.
That hurts me. That was pain.
Wanting the whole thing to stop while i never wish to.

I got so used to it and i expected conversation every night. Sometimes i forget my place and i yearn a little bit more. And every expectation comes with a blow of failure. That is the thing i wish to abandone.

And as he knew, i often keep things inside my heart with all the unvoiced dissatisfactions.
But we came clean about this cuz he has a way of making me talk. All the freaking time. That was the 3rd round of talking it over. I remember i told myself not to allow myself going through it for the 3rd time. Im scare that it will be the final chance that i will ever give to him.

And this time my feeling were truly heard.

I want you to be happy.
I want us to be happy.
So i choose a way we both can live.
You are allowed freedom to do anything you want and i can reaccess my my position. Our position.

So that i can take back my loyalty and my unkept freedom to allow more opportunity to come my way.

Dont worry about me.
I just need a new distraction.

If you come to your senses after i manage to let go completely, pls try harded to convince me. Because when a leo gives up, we dont turn back around.
I hope this trial time makes us see things clearer.

You're a good person.
Im sorry if i cause you sadness and
Troubles. Discomfort and heartache.
I think i have caused enough troubles.
Alot of mixed emotion. And unnessary people get entangled when it has nothing to do with them. Especially your goddamnsister.

When i 1st met you.
It never cross my mind that we would end up like this. Complicatedly uplifting and dramatic.
You were the closest thing that bring me joy and happiness to a so called relationship. Perhaps a half hearted one. Thus its complicated.
Someone who is unafraid to confess but couldnt make me as the priority any time for now.

I dont blame you.
I admit that im difficult to love.
Im beginning to feel so tired of being me.
Too man as a lady. Too independent.
Too level headed yet emotional.
So close yet so far.

If you read me.
Please know that from the bottom of my heart that im thankful for you. I wont tell you in person.
But if you ever find yourself here. Pls know that.
Every person brings a story to our life chapters.
You hold a specific chapter of which im not sure if i wish to revisit.
But it was a good one.

I wish that i could be brave enough and accept offers and meeting new people.
I find it difficult to open up to new people.
Only to have them tear me apart while knowing that they will keep a secret between us i can not retrive back.

I could be as good as paradise but if im not the chosen one. All good doesnt matter anymore.
You choose a forever over certainty.
I choose certainty over a forever.
Forever is overrated. Nothing is.
Even metal rust n raptured.
All atomic bonding eventually breaks.

The ride will be smoother soon. I assured you.
Now focus on your career.
Both long and short.

Both yin and yang.
Both fallen victims.

Gosh im so poetic my words have double meaning only i myself understand hahahaha.....

Be happy, for me.
Please. At least until im occupied again. Till then,
Your happinesss is relevant/parallel to my emotion.
I wish us well.

Goodnight to you.
Okay?
Okay.

Tonight is another night we go through without our goodnites. Those were the nights i would wait and wonder why you never nudge. A consistant affection you said came naturally. But why would you leave me hanging for a night while knowing that i will wait for u? You actually can go through a night not giving a damn about me. Or perhaps you are expecting me in return?

Are you okay?
Are you not happy?
Shall i wait?
Shall i text 1st?
Is he busy?
Is he holding back?

You know, the typical gal thoughts.
You see.... these lil expectations are things that sufficate me.
We are in an unclear state of mine doing things as if we are an item. Then some nights it hits us wondering if we should continue doing this....


But tonight and future nights when it happens, i would know that it was for our deal to hold back a little as per my request. Rather than wondering why you are not visiting me, i have an answer to your absence. Non work related pls.

For my accessment. For me to stop expecting so that i could be better in time.
Time for you to clear your mind and know what you really want. If you want this to work. You need to show me.

And for me to step back and see if this is what i want despite the overflown emotion i thought was certain. Cuz im not longer certain.
Im ready to detach.

I like your attention. But do it because you wish to. Not because due to all other reason.

Lets see what this will bring.



When words fails..
They got it conveyed.



Saturday, 25 February 2017

So what's up?

Been stressed up yes.
Been released... yea in some way.

Period still stuck in a hole. Pathetic period stubborness.

It was an emotional turbulance some days back when i finally come clean about my desire to pull back and stop the unnessary drama.
It would mostly be one sided effort though but he respected my decision.
I guess thats for the best for now and for our future undertaking. Things would be better.
It is uneventful and definitely will not solve a thing. But no harm trying.
Since im not happy with what you are proposing. Y not try my way.

Im happy seeing siew win came back and having this passion to assist in NTLP this year. For her, im willing to travel and accomodate to her. Seeing her back to her powerful feline cat mode i felt empowered too. Best if Hooi Ling can be here too.

Then my batch would be complete.
It has been 6 yrs since i become a senior.
I still remember vividly when i was being judge and the whole nervous and scary environment. Ofcuz the uncomfortable band room condition.

The best damn years of my life.
Still was. And i duno how have i lived the last 6 years so lifelessly.
So many variable event for the past 6 years but nothing beat one journey at all against the short ride of 3 years i had in ukm.
So said my dear Siew Win.
Both biggest activities for Chinese community in UKM i have conquered.
Gloriously.

Everytime i talk to juniors.
I didnt ask them to do what they should do.
I asked them to enjoy and try your very best to get the best of it while you can.

Because i miss it everyday.
I miss me very much.
The happier me. The most contented me.

I knew i can never go back.
I kenot re experience it all over.
But i can make everday counts and readjust my priorities so i still have the same satisfaction with coming obstacles.

Short term goals.
* Coldplay march 31st at singapore.
* Get my house renovated.

Seing my old photos i realised how ugly i was in my heydays.
Got pretty too late.




Saturday, 11 February 2017

Immaturity.
Despite being at the ripe age of 29.
I think im pretty unorganized and inmature.

I kept them very well.
Only unleash negativity within my own comfort of space here. I know its unhealthy.

But these feeling and emotion. They are mostly temporary. Keeping them here are safer than unleashing em else where.

The unfiltered zone.
Place where i keep myself balance.
Everyone has a buble to keep sadness and craziness.
It has to go somewhere. B4 it burts or gone haywired.

Some scream out loud.
Some sing it out.
Some dance it off..
Some sleep it away.
Some drink it down.
While i just write it free flow off my mind.

Things i couldnt tell you.
Things i decided better just keep to myself.
Things arent important and dont matter to else lives.

Friends are protected from my negativity.
People who i care are sheltered from toxicity of my head.
You dont deserve all this mess.

Here is my play ground. Place where negativity found its grave. Where its solitude rest assured.

Im sorry.
Things i wrote here i seek no clarification.
Its a form of detachment.

This place used to be a home of glory. Things about my performance journey and happy memories.
Now it has gone somber. Grey and unnerving.

Today is the last day of Cny 17.
Guess it serves no purpose at all.
2nd month in 2017.

Its time to wake up. Jc.
Wake up dagreat.

Friday, 10 February 2017

Gf for rental for this Valentine's Day.


* im jokingly serious about this*

- Rm520 for a candle light dinner.
- Gentlemen only. Banana prefered.
- 3 hours max plus a movie if u're not boring.
- No smoking. No alcohol. 
- No sex. No kiss. Cuz im too expensive.

- Why me?
* Independent. I can drive me home. Tqvm.
* Have a good voice. I can sing u lullaby.
* Terlebih 3mm for a pair of eyes. 
   I can cry with you. For you. And bcux of you.

* Average height with tiny waist. 
* A dreamer. 
   Tell me yours and imma see stars in you. 
   With you.
* I can write a poem of you (lol).

* Your best buddies will be jealous of you.
* Your crushes will be sorry that u're taken.
* Your ah ma will be very happy u're wanted.
* Your dog will love me too. Duh...

* Conversation in english only.
* Speak your sincerity out loud.
- Wont entertain PM cuz u bor dick.
* Spray some cologne and im your date for the     
   evening. 

* In case u're still undecisive, this is my non make 
   up face je... 💋

Ahahahahahahaha... 

One is the loneliest number therefore 
One is always the champion.

It makes no sense but why so serious :)
Adios! #yolo
7th day of CNY - Unpost
---------------------------------------
Same date last year.
The 7th day of Chinese Lunar year.
How wonderful the whole history repeat itself before my eyes.

I let you go and you took it.
I wont want it any other way.
Nothing should overtake family's priority.
Im not a bitch. I was not mad that i was not chosen.
It was how you executed it that pissed me off.

I watched Space Between Us with cky.
Last year Chor 7 was Valentine's Day and i spent it with him too.
Was it coincidence or that he was destined to be my saviour?

A lovely movie. Got me tear up when the gud bye scene came up. Im a sucker for these movies. Still nothing beat The Fault Of Our Stars.
I felt chocked up every time i wish to move on from what we had.

Moving on is our only solution before things turn sour.
Because that is the only way we can still be best of friends.
Dont ruin a beautiful friendship by our selfishness.
I could do it once. I can do again.

I dont wanna act all crazy on you. Behaving like a mad angry gf of yours when im not even one.
I dont want you to be all caring checking up on my well being and wishing me goodnight if you dont even wish to be the special man in my life.
Dont keep me expecting with your inconsistence effort.

I dont wish you to half trying not certain and doubting things. You dont have to pick up these duties thinking you have obligations to treat me good. I dont entitled extra good from you. And you dont need these extra pressure as well. There is alot of way to appreciate someone kindness.
There is a lot of way to repay kindness.

I cant even tell you what im angry with and what im not happy about us because we have nothing between us.

You have no responsibility over it. Now i even feel that you have no rights to know it. Because i no longer wanna share it with u. Opening up is a phobia to me and i chose you to be part of it cuz you were listening. You care to listen. You care to know.
But now i wish to just keep it close to myself.
Thats when i know the detachment is on its way.
Anyway... thats a great quality of you. You make people talk their mind. It aint because you specifically wish to listen to mine. Its just ur ability, a gifted quality u have in you.

Space between us.
Distance between us.
Is not just 45 min away anymore :(

You are a realist.
Im a dreamer.
You believe in certainty.
I believe in chemistry, choices.
You forecast futures.
I wish to live in the presence.
You seek for compatability.
I trust in efforts. Efforts! Consistence efforts!

If you wish for a miracle,
You must 1st walk the talk.
Dont just talk. Talk is cheap.

Time waits for no man.
You await a better tomorrow.
I dont think time has mercy on me.
Timing is a bitch.

If you dont see my values, lets not waste time.
Lets be okay.
Lets be fine.
Let the better days be upon us.

You thought that not deciding and making the wrong choice is a way to prevent hurting me.
You have no idea that what is happening now is hurting as hell too. Perhaps not making the decision is one of your ways to prevent things you couldnt handle or dont wish to face.
With that you push away happiness that could be happening. You doubted it.
With that you push me away.
Maybe u wish me to prove to you.
You wish to see my effort?
But i thought you know me. You knew i had give you the green light. But you are suspicious?

:/ im so tired.
Im not happy.
The song from Sam Lee Kao Jin speaks loudly about my feeling right now.
Let me work out my mind set.
When a leo falls in love, it is difficult to detach.
But i wonder how far is this love fetching?
Am i really in love? How do i measure?

What i was very certain then is no more concrete.
Leo is vibrant is attention seeker but its loyal.
The funniest part is when you even question a leo's loyalty. You question a leo's choice.
Hmmp.
Thanks for all the given time. I finally see the concerns you saw earlier.
They are very visible now and the shocking true is i started to wonder if love really mean accepting all differences despite loving the good quality.
I used to believe so long a couple fight for each other and work the differences away will go a long way.
U made me see from your point of view already.

Gosh you made my journey to attempt walking into 1st relationship so fucking harder than i could even imagine.

I can no longer answer all the uncertainties.
Tinder is working suddenly after being page damage or something. Funny dao...its like a perfect time for me to divert the attention.

I care about you as i care about my good friends.
You know where to find me if you need me.
I just need to work out my mind failure in making decision. I can access very nicely as position matters. I couldnt treat you good as a bf. But i can still treat you well as a great friend. I can.

Dont you ever thought that being distance from me will be a cure to my torture. I will hate you if you do that to me. Cuz u add misery to all the miseries that are happening.
My 1st crush stay in my mind for a very long time (infact every crushes, they stay for years) until i found myself liking someone better. You could be half globe away from me but i could be thinking of you 24/7 for months.
This is a leo mental torture of which distance and time cant cure unless we work out a solution.

If you proclaim yourself as a kind person, walk this out with me. You can play a great part in it. But mostly boys they just walk away and leave me stranded. Typical. Since you are the most different and most in touch, just do this diferently.
Promise me. Dont make it harder than it already is.

Maybe i just do not know how to handle this kinda emotion. Grow up JC. Grow old.
29 and single. Cuz im too special. Haha. Nothing beat my consistency in singlehood.

Cheers to my still entitled freedom and to a brighter future. And better mate :)


Tuesday, 31 January 2017

CNY 2017.. 1st month is officially over.


There u have us! The Upper Six Five 2006/2007.
Celebriting 11th year of friendship. 
I think we have altogether 31 members but these were the ones we manage to gather this year.
The familiar faces are always spot on.
Once yearly gathering i will never missed.

They formed a major part of my life and they have always been louded as my best friends.

My best gals keepers were all here.
The funniest dudes are all here.
Who else could i ask for?

And Ruth manage to come this year making the gathering much more fun. 
In fact, she was the 1st friend i made in U65.
Lovely gal.

Basically CNY to me is just a few public holiday with a lot of rush driving and a lot of things to take care of. A lot of money spent as well. Those previous years were the worst before my dog passed away and before i was mobile.

Thank god i grew up!

Those faces that i wish to meet especially my far away girl friends, i have met :) Im fully satisfied.

The next round we meet could be in 3 months, half yearly or by year end... sigh. I used to have them all near me everyday all throughout the years.

I will miss you all.

I hope you gals realized that not keeping in touch via texting and calling doesnt mean i care any less.
Im weird. Perhaps i fear the fact that if i got so in touch with you via phone but yet i couldnt see you anytime soon... i seriously dont like that feeling.



You guys bring meaning to my life. It started to blossom the day i met you all. And ill be forever grateful.

Home

&

Happiness

It 

Spells

U65

...

1st month 2017 is officially over by today.
Nothing much change.
Seriously not much.

They said dragon is one of the luckiest sign this year.
I hope its good. Just good will do.
All i ever wanted is emotional detachment and physical freedom and some good cash to spend on my special people and traveling.
Only that! 

I suppose im not asking a lot.
Enough health until the ripe year of 50 years old.

Thats all.

Not much right?!

Have not been sleeping well for a few days.
I guess i should just sleep for now and start tomorow fresh and great!

.....

Neglected. As always.
I guess i know where i stand.
Times like this.... signified my importance.

I wish i could tell you what you made me feel but why should i?

You are not mine.

You have no obligation.

That is exactly the problem.

.....




Friday, 20 January 2017

Best of both world.
Diferent kinda shy.
Diferent kinda value sharing.
Both joy and heartache.
Both love and bitterness.
Both are temporary and are passerby.

How unfortunate.
How wasted.

There must be an answer somewer.
I yet to find.

At the end we all give up.
I guess thats for the best.

Before you can love someone. You must 1st know how to love yourself.

And love myself i shall.
Everything is gonna be okay.
Just try to enjoy everyday as it is.


Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Last week i saw my ex 2nd crush posted a live video on facebook.
He engaged with le gf and i was very happy for him. From his wall and post his gf tagged him of, they seem very loving to each other. And i wishes him well.

When he finally post the video, i suppose his wedding day would be soon and im thinking if he would invite me and the rest of the newtune kakis.
Though we hardly keep contact and his absence on all newtune activities made it even harder to meet one another. But no one should ever doubt i miss him.

We were best of friends. We were all close together. So happy together.
We have been through so many amazing things along our 3 years in ukm. Imagine my shock when siewin told me that she was invited and it seems many of us which were once close to him was not in his mind while enlisting guest to his wedding.

Perhaps i wasnt as important as i thot of him as but the other few close senior and same batch kakis? Arent they special too?

Im very disappointed. And sad to be honest.

Sometimes i wonder if i have been too transparent in my blog. I write everything that crosses my mind.
If they were meant to be spoken, most of the things here shall be filtered.
I thought no one reads me but apparently some does and when ppl terasa or i memang speak of that person in here... please do know that this is the place all the junks end up in. They are not suppose to be taken seriously as this is me barenaked soul clense in a zone out space.

100% real but 100% thoughtless.
It is me with sub zero senses and i shall not be held responsible on all written things.

But i guess ive hurt some ppl over the blog here.
:( im sorry.

This is my playground.
Thus allow me to be frank.
I need some balance. Thus if ure weak and felt like you did me wrong. Please dont read me.


Saturday, 14 January 2017

It has been a year long and it felt like forever.
The faithful day of 10 jan 2016. Well problems occurred way earlier but the ultimate curse of decision forced its way on the said date.

So many things have changed.

Good and bad. Good and bad.
Great and worst.

2016 is one heck of a long year.
Towards the end of it i coulnt take it anymore.
Everyday i hope it will end faster. I chase after the day for a brand new year.
In a way i hope it could bring me new light.
Despite failing the recurrence desires, i found my self a proud owner of 2 houses.
Existing parents' house and the one next to it.
Despite not having expertise as buyer, guided by my banking experience i managed to do everything by myself.

My parents were spared from the misery of having to help me in anything at all.
After 5 years of working, i finally manage to do what i need to do. Despite it being not my wanting, it was for the necessary.
From the get go i knew i have to be tough and independent. But i knew i wasnt meant to be that.
I have a bad manja nature and im clingy.
Im afraid of messy troubles and hate making decision.
But i just have no body to depend on.
Fortunately i have people around me that i could seek help from. The colleague. The lawyer. The superior. Those that involved in the whole procedure. Thanks to my good banking financing behaviour and capacity. I managed to deal with it nicely.

Next step is to renovate the house.
God. The house! Sigh.
Nevermind. Mama gonna make u decent and presentable.
I will find a way. Despite being lazy as hell and totally not having an idea how to start. I will find a way.
I will make it happen.
Sadly im on my own again.
These are the things i really need advise and good people around to assist. But... sigh.
This will only enhance my superior ego as again life has proven that i need no body to survive. Lol...
Sudah lah...
Its all for the best.
It shall only be for the best.

In fact i have the whole house for my own creativity.
Counting the days to kick start this whole renovation work and moving in asap.

Mom is getting sicky and her dreadful superb negativities is eating me alive consuming and draining my soul. Everyday there is a new trick coming out. From the hormonal issues to blood pressure. From the unrhythmic heartbeat to blockage of heart vessals and her never dying dizziness. Her astma attacks. Blood pressure yoyo game and the latest one being thyroid gland got blotted. Not sure wat kinda cyst. But it will be ignored untill cny is over. Not to forget her kidney being weak, cholestrol issues, and other minor repetitive health matters.

I dun wanna fall as low as her. Im trying my very best to deal with it.
But the realy scary thing is to face the truth.
The eerie feeling of facing my dying dog is coming back to haunt me.
I remember vividly how i always wish to be away from home. Trying to escape reality that my dog is dying. Trying to ignore the fact so that i could cheat my mind that my baby is fine and so long im not facing it, i dont have to deal with the truth.

You have no idea how fucking painful for me to feed my baby medicine only to prolong his life. To apply medicine to his body of which is rottening and torning. To watch his pain and his difficult breathing. To see him suffering stroke and blindness. Unable to walk and urinate and eat and breathe. Always have to call walk in animal doctors cuz he was too big and too weak to travel in the car.
2 kind indian doctors came at least 5 times prior to his last day.

You had no idea. You had no freaking idea!
You had no idea how i wish to die making the decision to let him die peacefully with an injection.
I presume it was a letting go detaching him from misery. But perhaps i was just choosing not to face it anymore. I killed him. I could have wait for his nature calling but i chose to let him die.
You had no idea how awful i need to live on as a murderer to my baby whom i have love for 12 years.
Who was my life and my everything.
He was my love. Jcdagreat died the same day he died. I was never the same person i was.

Im not a good daughter.
I really am not.
I wish i dont have to deal with this alone. Yet again she has only me to depend on.
Im having a really sour shoulder.
I beg you please slightly uplift certain pain from me. Dont throw me so many hardship at one time.
I know you dont like me. But please just please ease it with your kindness. Please.

Elderly sickness and deterioration are inevitable.
But... you are not playing fair.
You are not fair to me.

Im raising my ignorance level.
Im really tired. For the longest time i dont feel
uplifted.

Walking dead. Haha...
Bear with me.
Those who care.
Please do care.

When i do reach for you.
Please know that i really couldnt help it anymore.
Thank you.




Happy Birthday Dr Chong.


Hi best boy buddy.
This is the 2nd consecutive year we celebrated your bday together.
Thanks for giving me your actual date for me.
With you i dont need to ask twice.
Sometimes i dont even need to ask.
That is my previlage of me to you.
For that im thankful.

Last year you help me gone through a lost of a friend, heartbreak and helped me cope not having gf around me for whole year long.
This year i expected similar fate and i wish you would always stand by me. Im not as strong as i used to be. And dammit you spoiled me cuz your shoulder to cry on is such a comfy place to be.

You always let me cry without seeing me do so.
I thk it happened a few time at K Room. 

We both yearn for the wrong people and they said broken souls are the kindest.

I wish you eternal happiness and wishes coming true soonest.
I hope you find one that is deserving of you.
One that sees you the way that i do.
One that knows how to love and be appreciative to your love, like yours to me.

I hope i will be able to meet that person too.


Looking forward to our achievement together.
Celebrating 11th year of frienships.

Thank you for coming back into my life.
You fight your way back into my world and im glad i didnt miss that opportunity to let you in.

I wish you love.

Be well.

Please know that you're worth it.

Dont give up!