Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Unoffically official.

Complicated.... my god. It takes years to make me understand the meaning of complicated in a relationship.

I used to ask why would people put complicated in their relationship status. On means on. Single means single. What is complication means?

I think i kinda have a late puberty? The period officially came in form 2 but it seems my innocence or perhaps stupidity vs ignorance kinda took longer time to evolve...

Anyway.

He called me his gf. While he called him as my bf.
I guess it takes a lot of courage for him to do so.
It doesnt make my heart leaps out wanting to shout out loud that he is finally mine.
I suppose it was because we has been emotionally so close and was in this courtship long before the label. Thus it seems just mediocre at the moment.
So this is the feeling when one call you theirs?
Perhaps we are still very new. And the fact that im elder...

No doubt the sincerity is there. And it feels so much sweeter to talk to each other now. Lets just see how it unfolds.

As much as i have wished to see this coming into a realization, I am always prepare to see one walks away. I am not afraid to see them choose the latter. I am just annoyed to have them hang on too long in my life.

Dont disappoint me again.
Let's explore.

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Pbb 2017 Annual Dinner #cosplay

9.9.2017

51st Anniversary of PBB Southern Region Annual Dinner.

As usual. Got my best gal colleague as hotel roomie.

Another 2 males colleague at another hotel.

Having had a very unsatisfactory make up done by a MUA last year, i decided to DIY myself this year. And it is 100% better than last year's outcome.

Had a terrible OCD moment with which dress to go with. I had a very grand navy blue dress which really compliments my figure but i eventually let go for this black chic 3/4 jump suit.

Reason being i have to participate the dinner without a plus one, not having a masculine partner to hold me around when i need support. 
With my imbalance composure (gravity hates me),
I suppose it is wise to dress down-to-earth a little.
And i have nobody to impress. Thus let's keep the dress for another year. Bought in year 2012. Hmmppp. It was so so close...




The sampatness and damn model pose failed ...

When make up done right, obviously selfie time is needed. And because nobody ever get my picture right... either because im never comfortable with someone taking my solo photo or that nobody see me the way i see myself thus only selfie of mine captures my best angle.


Bravo JC. I guess i can do more and it will only gets better. Pretty much all were there except for fake eye lashes which i hate most. 


Entire length view. Oh yea... the hair.. god. So messed up. My hair and i have the worst body to owner relationship. They hate me. They never stay in shape no matter what i do with it.



Had most of my favourite people around me. 
Same place similar faces. Glad to have you all around. Derrick is missing.


Wefie is a must. Because asking stranger to take our photo is definitely a risk. And i think wefie better reflect our relationship.



My private security.

Bank celebrate another year of success. While us celebrate another year of employment. A nice night to dress up and show up. 
To be present and to hang out with nice colleagues.

I won a table lucky draw too. Rm50 aeon vouchers per table mate.... for once i got lucky.

After a long night, i got a date to watch a highly anticipated movie 'IT' with him.
Midnight slot and it was a super duper long movie. 2.15 hour long creppy movie.

Hmmp.
He dislike it very much. 3/10.

He asked for my comment.

I never regret any movie i watch.
I will only regret the date i chose to watch movie with.

I didnt hate the movie and i dont regret watching it. It still freaks me out as a horror/thriller dark movie.

So it serves its purpose.
And i got a private 3 hours with you.
Though it was a little too cold and was a little too late a date but i wouldnt mind to do it again. But preferably dont end by 3am again.
We were so close yet so far. Why are you so distance.

We are in a delaying position againt arent we?

*

The next day 4 of us walked around Melaka town.
Didnt manage to do what was planned last minute but manage to still hav a good time. Good laugh.

Weekend well spent.

Thank god for my annual leave.

Im off monday :)

Monday, 4 September 2017

I kept chocking on water.
I wonder why.
I guess water and i have a love hate relationship.
Those were the days i hate pills cuz i thought i chocked on pills.
Now i finally realized it is water that i chock on with.
No wonder y i never really thirsty no matter what hour or day.

If water will get me chocking. Cock x payah say la... haha

Now this scares me lol.

Sigh.

So north korea testing nuclear power again?!
So when do u guys wanna launch world war 3?
If he is gotta start something funny guess which country the man wanna bomb 1st?

Nway. Wherever he aim to bomb. Many of us will eventually died. Haha... so it kicks off my senses to write sumthing again. FB memory remind me today in year 2011 i wrote a piece of article about my performance journey in ukm and The Star newspaper was kind enough to have it published.
Such a boost to my writting talent. ..... tsk tsk.

We are all temporary people.
Human we dont get to own anything in the world.
Really. You thought you bought a house. That piece of land belongs to you. So? It will be passed on to whom? So you get to reproduce. But i dont plan to get my genetic flows into the vast already broken genetic pools out there. How long basically you think u can live in this whole damn world? 100 years max right?
How many out of 10 of us can by pass even 50 yrs old?

We will never know. If only we know when is our final day, would you be happier? Would you do things sooner? Would you say the things you wish you would say?
So i dont know when is my final day.
But im not dying. So im wasting everyday of my life wondering why things are happening to me?
Why am i being tangled in such complicated relationship?
Why am i so stubborn fighting on?

One year and another wasted wanting to go somewhere but end up wishing it could be done and thinking something or someone will come up and that it would be planned otherwise.
Mother fucker joanne. Wake up!!!

Wake up!!

Sometimes i pity myself. But many a times i just hate myself for allowing these to happen.
I am what i eat. I am what i do.
Surrounding n family factors are one thing but mostly im just pathetically self pitying tired soul.

I dont appear as one seriously.
I only sound like a attention craving bitch and non self worthy crying baby in my blog.
It's an open blog. But yea... i dont see many people come to pampare me after many post anyway. So i have been abandoned. Haha...

Well well.

I cried so much these few days. Im really done being a haggard soul.
Lets start 2morow blues with a bang.
Start by dressing well. Put on the most vibrant killer smile and push my chin up.

When im emotional. I am a self torture kinda person.
I dont eat well. Too much. I dont sleep. I cant sleep.
I dont talk. I dont wanna. I waste time.
So i waste time.

How much more do i have?
Kinda a wake up call right?

Be tough gal.
The key to own happiness shall always be enplaced on your own hand. Hand the power to someone else and your life is done.

Be well. Us.
Be strong. Us.
Together or seperately.

Its okay. It will be okay.









Friday, 1 September 2017

My heart ache knowing you teared up from the other side of the phone while i teared up here knowing i cant do anything to make you feel better.

I dont know what to say or what i could do.
I will never know if it is wise to let you indulge in missing her, that it will get you through these days or to keep distracting you to keep you preoccupied with other stuffs will do better.

This is a major self recupperating lost only you can fix. I promise to stay put until you slowly regain composure. You will never be the same. But that is not the reason you use to be hopeless in life.

You dont give up in life untill she wants it back.
She didnt gave you life just to see you waste it lifelessly without her.

Life itself is short.
Take it. Use it.

I dont know why it hurt me so much to see you like this. Perhaps because knowing how it hurts reminds me how bad it was 4 yrs back when i lost my baby dog. Knowing everyday i pray for my baby to move on. Pray that he wont miss me and dont come back and stay put just to suffer. Let me suffer. You go to better place. I will live till the day i can see you again.

It was just words i used to comfort myself.
I blame myself everyday until the day i manage to forget it. Like a slot in my memory for that 10 years totally erased. I know i cant go on living with lost.
It takes months or years to do that. I dont know when it happened. But i moved on in a bad shape.

I wish you could blame me for wanting you to go out that very night. If it wasnt because of me, the night incident might have another ending.
I wonder if you ever see me and having that thoughts playing in your head.
Im really sorry love.
I made you suffer this decision.
You will forever be troubled with this decision.
Its my fault.

I really dont know what to do to make things better other than giving you enough time to regain your control in life. Time is the only cure but time is also very cruel.
I dont know what will be the most perfect duration to recover and what can be done.
Im sorry for asking too much from you.
My only intention is pick u up and your well being...
I didnt mean to push or rush you and expect you to stand right up immediately.
Im so sorry

Im not in the right position to say much or to want you do anything for now.
Please do know that i care and i dont know why i take it as hard as you.
I dont understand myself very much too.
I guess i care too much.
That is what i am afraid of.

Take all the times you want.
I will not force you anymore.
Come what may. If this is meant to be it will be.
But do know everything that happen between us and you, i care deeply.
It's genuine and my aching heart cant lie.

Please be strong for your family.
Your siblings are being strong for you and her.
No matter what happen, you can always confine in me. Please be well. For her. Dont hurt yourself.
I love you.


Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Pms caused me cried to sleep these 2 nights.

Im so afraid of my emotional fluctuation. Especially when im alone.
But im not suppose to be alone or feel lonely.

Something is wrong.
Something has always been wrong.

Im sad when you are sad. I wish that day never happen and bring back the happier you.
I rather never ever have you or know you or anything i can trade for you to have her back.

Im so sorry that im powerless.
No child should ever live without a mother.
If only i can do anything to change that night.

If only i can make you feel better.

How?


Friday, 25 August 2017

The moment you fall in love thats when you screw your heart.

Despite hardship and inner demons, i manage to pull through life considerably well.
I can make the best out of the things i hate and in a place i always wanted to leave.
Perhaps i grow to love or merely me just kinda give up fighting things which seems too tough.
Cuz kindness pulls me back.
This fucking big heart is like the sucker black hole pulling me into its shit...

Nway. Despite being manageble and kinda okay in everything else. I find my self fail in relationship.
More towards the fact that i dont know how to choose to avoid and to find.

Those who escape, trust me that is the best decision you or i made for you.

Thanks to me. You are away from one hell of a big fat bitch.

I fail in relationship big time!

I guess i fail it again...

Its going to be month end and your promises fails me.
Again!

Perhaps it is another non deadline kinda never ending empty promises.

:'(

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Happy belated birthday to you.

I didnt know. Cuz you never tell.
And i dont know why you never do.
You choose this.
I dont know why i feel bad.
I feel so heavy hearted.

It was short but very special.
It wasnt convincing. But it was lovely.
It was an infactuation. So strong i knew it would go terribly wrong or i would be hurt.
You are special.

I wish you success and happiness :)

While.

Me and my unofficial boyfriend.
You always make me question my position and your bravery/decision.

I think im really better be left alone.
Im incapable of loving myself resulted that i keep expecting sky high demands on others on how to treat me right. Forgetting the fact that everything people do voluntarily is a way of love and affection.
Because i could do so much more.
But it is just me.
Just me.

Am i wanting too much?
Is my want too much for you to give?

I came to realize material fulfillment is much easier to be obtained. Emotional needs are the terrible ones.

Are we making the right decision?







Friday, 4 August 2017

Last 20ish Birthday.


Low maintenance.
High expectation.
Easy yet demanding.
Difficult but flexible.

The next time whenever public need to know anything at all about me, ill mention the above mantra.

It is funny how FB kept reminding me days on previous years up to 7 to 8 years back.
And i saw how my bday celebration got smaller but more meaningful :)

Every year i see myself seeking different wanting.
But one thing remain the same.
Being loved and in love.

I guess the hardest subject in the world is often rule by the rebelious heart.
One that never listen and one that never bow to rules.

Selfish and fragile.


Initial plan for this year bday was to have a gateway to an island. But things got in the way though i have taken a week off.

So 2nd plan took place. Fulfill the checklist of having an expensive fine dining experience facing my still iconic klcc view with a guy i still fancy of.

Dinner took place at Thrity8 @ Grand Hyatt hotel, a 5 start hotel. The research took place last year and i came upon this restaurant and im drawn to all the reviews. I have decided there and then that it would be my 1st fine dining experience in KL.

But every decision i made somehow link to his preference. Ever since i knew that feeling, everything i do or plan will have him and his well being on my mind. 

I wonder if he ever knew that i care so much. 
Perhaps he thought he did the same and wonder if i ever knew. 

:) Funny issues we have. Yet we felt that we are not compatible. Big time. 

I could have another person sitting across the table but i dont think i ever wanted any other way.


Overall the dinner was a decent experience.
I had a table booked with klcc view. One that came with TnC that i have to spend a min Rm500 a la carte menu or a couple menu set of rm425 but the list of food were not very appealing.

The hotel and view were spectacular. You immediately feel expensive being there but yea... like he said you could buy 10 person dinner with better food at another place with the same amount spent. Hahaha... 
Ikr.

He dressed to the occation and my o my... one charming man indeed. A compliment i never gave him but he knew i approved of.


But its my birthday. I made the call.
It would be perfect if all these were all pre planned by your loved one. I would be totally pleased and spoiled maximally. But these all aint practical and he will never do it. Thus i would never have these experienced. So no, ill make the call.

So yea. I threw myself a luxurious party. Wohoo... a pat on the back Jc.

I wish to spend the night at the same hotel but it cost a bomb price at rm1006 per night. I guess thats another level of expenditure... perhaps on another year bday.


I had a staycation at another hotel.
Not before a movie and a karaoke season which he set me up. Our night ride end by 3am.

I demanded a special movie date. And he got us a Bennie special seat at Sunway Putra watching my fav Baby Driver. 
The seating was fucking uncomfortable and both of us were so annoyed. Haha... no more bennie...

Seriously i dont understand how others can be so comfy while i was struggling to balance my shoulder and my butt. Well, I guess mainly cuz i was on a short exposing mini dress with a pair of killer heels.


Spending the night with a man you knew you have feeling for (mutually) need a lot of trust knowing and believing that he wouldnt touch you unless you are ready.

Knowing that he wont and trusting that he wont try to seduce me is totally different issues.

I have trust issue with men, generally human in existence but when it comes to him, I have no doubt. Trust is the ultimate foundation in a relationship right?

I walk out from an infatuation to a humble man who persist. Your indecisiveness causes mine to behave the same. 

But I have chosen a thoughtful coat over a romantic bouquet of roses. 

Both who has yet to make me see beyond years.
Both who has caused and will cause me heartache.

I believe everyone who crosses your life long journey brings you value in life.
They either teach or take something to or from you.
Both experience will be added value in moulding our future.

Sometimes choices decide their own fate.
I just stand still watch them choose.

I no longer wanna force your participation in my life. Come what may. Just dont fool around and waste my time shall your intention is not clear.

I am at my ripe age of 29 now and im sad to tell that i am not sorry to make bad calling or to make decision that should be good to my well being. 
I am also blessed with part of the innocents to trust and be trusted on promises and that i should have faith in certain prospect in life. 
I am thankful to the beyond aged's maturity that i have to be able to understand my wants and needs so that i could only make wrong decision with a conscious being.

Thank you for the time spent and effort made.
I had a great time.

I guess we are getting there. Not official.
Make it.
You have your last shot baby.


:)



Sunday, 30 July 2017

Kota Tinggi... i mean Bukit Tinggi.


My lmao face. Everytime im happy my face fails me. I either look smashing pretty or i look awfully wrong. He says i looked natural. Well. Im not sure if that is a compliment or what. But i love whatever appear in that very shot. :)

Somehow i couldnt bring myself to look at him while he take my photo. I guess im adjusting. I feel so shy...


I guess he is adjusting too. He dislike taking photo but tag along anyway. Buff up your camera skill dude.


I really love this shot of ours.
We have come a long way. 
To here. This place.
From where we were. Todate.

From the day i was certain to how confused i am now.

One thing for sure is that i love seeing you happy.
I love seeing you laugh like a silly boy and carefree.

I miss that.
I am happy if i could be the reason behind your smile. Be it because of my clumpsiness or my random ass jokes. Or simply because you like seeing me around.


This is one of the place i always wanted to go.
Thanks for all the long hours drive to make my dream came true.

You may not be the boy with surprises but you will try your level best to make my day.

Please dont fail me again.
Because this is the last chance and the very last time we try.

Thank you for the road trip.
It means a lot :)




Wednesday, 26 July 2017

My last 20 ish bday is nearing.
And yet im left dumbfounded on what i should and could do on the big day.
Apparently it is just another day.
If im not celebrating it with someone i like or care,
I dont wanna celebrate it anymore.

Rather i just wish to do something diferent and special on that very date so when i think back i can recall the year.

The last 2 years celebration was rather forgetable except for my lovely gals who never fail me.

This year everyone was busy and far away.

I found it very disturbing how one can act like they care in one minute and then be gone by another second. I cant even fake a face if i dont care about you.

How scary and cruel it is.
Again proven apps dating sucks. Haha
Im saddenned that it only takes 3 dates to find out that you're tired of me.
Or leo just couldnt get another leo.

Im thinking of hiding away that week. I've taken the whole damn week off.
So wish to spend it on an island and some beaches. Too bad again i buy chance that i could go and plan it with someone special.

And yet again specials one always back off on most crucial times. Haha... fuck you all greatly. Fuck you!


What have i done you wrong?

Seriously.

It is time to finally wake up and do things for my own.

Im really really tired. :(


Tuesday, 18 July 2017

What has happened?

A U turn and a dead end.

I would be very happy if you have take the lead much earlier.

Im not a coal. Simple ignition to restart the fire.

Im more like a wet matches. Lol.

Im undecisive and im so scare of hurting you.

Talking about matches.

I found a broken one which got burnt out too quickly as soon as it has begun.

Wasted. But i know im not deserving.

So tired.
Gtg sleep.


Sunday, 2 July 2017

When you have trouble and phobia in making choices no thanks to the fucking OCD mental fucking disease and you gotta make a single choice cuz apparently a heart can only be owned by one soul.

How dumb am i? Rather innocent?

I am really the simplest person ever.
Mostly im being misunderstood due to my personality and appearance.

I either being taken as overfriendly too open minded or the other extreme as bitchy demanding and difficult to be pleased.

Purlease! Seriously.

What scares you most always comes find you.

And they did found me.

How am i not hitting the lotery but got all these awards for being a nice person??

Has the world gone mad??

Lol.

Okay okay.

I threw away a letter from 11 years ago.
1st crush. Denying my affection. On today. His bday. How coincident that you probably think that i staged this whole agenda up. Haha...

No. I did not... i was packing and filtering my gems which are overloaded and not organized.
And i saw it and i had an urge to read it again.
Nope. Not again. I tore them before my lil heart screammed no. Bubye... curse no more. Fuck u lil piece of shitty paper.

No i dont hate him. He was the 1st cutest banana i ever known. I truly wish he find one person he loves and capable to love him more than friend as well.

On the other hand.

Big sigh.

What is happening to my life?

Am i not good at handling my personal agenda?
They say buat baik dibalas baik kan?

Please know that my heart ache as much as you the moment i had to deliver the news that i might be seeing another. I can dont inform you but i could never let you be the last to know if i ever walk out.

Having to walk out from something that i have invested so much thinking that he could be one that changes my life sucks.
It is like a suicide leap over a building.
A decision built by despair and dissapointment and knowing ending it all is the only solution to keep both party comfort as priority.
A decision i fear and knowing that i will not revisit the same love twice caused me frustration.
I was one leg above air and edging to fall freely to start another phase but i hesitated again.

4 hours of texting and no problem solve. Again! Im so very tired really.

I came with a conclusion.
If we are meant to be we will be.
If you believe in faith. Then lets the nature take its couse.
If you believe in yourself, then do as your wish.
If you believe in love, work your hardest to secure you desire.
As simple as that. Dont complicates life which is complicated as hell.


If i am too much of a husstle, too hard too costly too overwhelming, then it is not worthy for the price.

I will not wait for you because i could not accept the reasons given. I understood your kind intention and the whole idealogy. But to me, frankly speaking you dont love me enough. And that is enough.

Certainty in life is bullshit.
Guaranteed of all truth in life only happens in mathemathics where formulas always lead you to an answer of certain.

Im not going anywhere.
But if someone successfully came by and sweep me off my feets. I wouldnt resist this time. Im not gonna chase them away telling them that im attached or i have my heart locked and will wait for that one guy.
If i choose him over you it is because he wanted me enough to prove his worth and not because i love you any less.

I cant unloved someone i ever loved. Im not A.I.
But i will try to forget you. And try to move on.

Thank you for your kindness your patient and all the good beautiful memories.
I dont think we can ever talk about all these face to face. So if you read me. I wish that you knew what you ady felt that i have chosen you once. And it matters.

Lets see what the balance 2017 might take me to.
And im going to lose it this year.
Claim your price!

*

Some people has no sense of consistency.
Sigh. As expected. Fuck tinder
What do you expect? Haha...
Just like everyone say... tinder is a hook up apps.
What? Like you expect true love coming out of it?
Well. I thought i got lucky this time.

*

I re read a letter from my old time bff. She wrote to me that she prefer to call me ah yan. A girl she knew. She dont know who is joanne.
Joanne is not familiar to her. So much of Joanne she is not know of.

I begin to not understand myself too.
Who am I? What do i really want?
What is happening?
:(




Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Delicates little fingers.

Sacred and pure.

Non touched. Locked nor smeared.

Of that i am sure.

They hold no hatred. No game. No drama.

Awaits the kindest and bravest of match.

No guide no measure no judgment.

They can always tell.

Message from the tip carried thru the veins

Clarity of the heart bestowed the answer.


Monday, 26 June 2017

IKEA Dream Came True :)

And this time this dream was made true with you.

Im so happy driving up all the way alone to Ikea Cheras and you were there spending the whole noon with me. 

You with a new hair cut. Super smart!
If you havent already knew, i dont always compliment people face to face. 

I wanted to go ikea for as long as forever but never really got the chance to do so.
This time with my new home coming and you being the main reason, i finally found the will to make the effort. Thank you for making time for me.

The only downturn was it was overwhelmingly overloaded with human. And stuffy environment.
My current favourite human was very attentive and kept me very protected. Guided me like full time Ikea Sales (LoL :D) and getting my heavy stuff into car etc.

Now he knew im easily paranoid and are afraid of clowns. And i cant finish one bowl of jap rice meal. What is that call again?
Hahaha... Sorry babe. I waste food.

Im easily contended and low maintainence as a whole but i am very selective in my partner's well being and characters.
Of what i know and being told of. Im satisfied.
Boy who loves coffee and dogs.
What else i could possible ask for?

I knew you are different when im treating you like my best gurl fwens.
So cosy and so comfortable. So huggy.

Lets just hope all of you are sincere and a wonderful being 1st and foremost.

Being a leo. We knew exactly what we have and are capable to deliver.

You made my Mondate wonderful.


It keeps getting better.
I wonder if you feel the same.

Sometimes missed opportunities divert us to better choices. I guess we should really have faith in ourselves.






Sunday, 18 June 2017

2nd date :)

I never stop smiling when im with you.

You made me feel a lot of like myself once.

Thanks for making my sundate worthwhile.

It has been long since i had the last weekend date. I think it was back in... haha. I cant even recall.

That was how sucks my dating life is.

The closest i had was with my bff.

You are like the right thing on the right place happening and im not sure why it works well for now.

Maybe it is the infatuation thing.
I have no idea.
Perhaps it is just that.
When i wake up in the next morning ill probably come to my senses.
That it was just a nais dream :)

And i had a beautiful dreams twice.
So i thank you for your time and your conpanion and mostly that distraction.

Goodnight bae.

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Dear Laymei.

Happy marriage to you and your husband.
Officially Mr and Mrs Goh.
I hope for the best for you and your future undertaking.
You are always the one who strive for opportunity and tried your best to achieve it.
We heard your humble family back ground.
We heard you cried for those past memories.
See where you are heading now.
:)

Im so so proud of you.
And i only hope you find all the happiness returns to you from all the kindness and goodwill you did for others.

I am waiting for the day you will be given the title Professor Sim. A proud Phd holder.

Be loved dear.
I hope n pray Alex that treat you well.
For all the years and things you guys been through.
I only hope that it is all worthy and it blossoms to even better future and wonderful marriage.

As you matured into this strong beautiful young lady you are.

Continue to strive for your dream.
Broken past shall only add fuel to your endless possibled dreams.

I love you.
I hope you knew.
I might not be the one who answers your call or revert text messages time to time.
But i do care.

Or i wouldnt have risk these husstle for your big day. And i had a lovely journey indeed.

I will try my best to achive my own ultimate happiness too.
And i hope we can all live long to witness each other glory days.

Muaks.

***

Nothing else really matter.
They dont matter.
I was their option.
Perhaps the last resource they ran to when they were out of attention payer.

Piece by piece.
Uncollected.
Fragile and undesired.
Failing to understand.
That the missing piece.
Was right inside.
Untriggered.
Masked.
Built.

One fine day.
Non others matters.
You shall find.
The one thing.
You seek for.
Finally unleashed.
Loved.
Timely.

Friday, 9 June 2017

Things i do for love.
Might not be much.
But they are all i am capable of.
All of me that i could. For now.
I hope you know how much i love you.

We dont just creating memories.
You guys always bring back all the fond memories we had in university.
Best years of my life. Still is.
8 years back.

Im so very tired now.
Mostly cuz i drove whole day and without proper sleep the whole entire 1st night.
Odd stuff happens always.

Penang is like my 2nd home now.
I dont mind coming as often as i can cuz meeting my gfs are like meeting my love.
Nothing is too tired to be with them who never fail you and who really are care of you.
And capable to love me.

Talking about love.
Certain people will promise things but never do.
Some will not do extra or even bother to.
Reason given was that i was preoccupied.

Sigh.

I guess its complicated.
If i am not needed at any given time.
I am not needed at any time.

Sincerity and consistency is the key.
While everyone thought the keypad was difficult.
It actually only need the right key holder to ignite the complementary.

Lay Mei ROM 2morow.
Its gotta be a beautiful day :)




Saturday, 3 June 2017

There are times when im needy.
Time when i need comfort and assurance.
Tonight that crazy thunder got me jump awake and im feeling so lost.
I tried to sleep by 12am. Im not sure how deep i have slept but i had 3 cuppa of coffee in the day.

What a day it was. Baby joshua was fixed with new tyres and checked. Safe travel for a road trip.

And when im needy.
Against my will ill go seek for people i yearn affection from. Those that i seek are those that means alot to me at that moment.
Either their accountability or their presence calms my anxiety or that im sure i would be entertained.

This afternoon my love Joanne Wong showed me just that. It was out of a sudden kinda call to her to seek for companion. She showed up eventhough she was one minute from taking a nap and risk making her sister mad.

Tq love. I really really owe you this.

And boy oh boy.
It was 3.30am!!!
Why do you even bother??

Crazy bitch with a crazy need at 3.30am.
I got you tested 3 times for a midnite buzz.
Either you dont sleep or whatever you said is true.
I wonder what ring tone i got assigned.
But most probably you are really a sensitive sleeper.
A buzz will freak you out in the middle of the night.
I dont know.

Still very doubtful.
But thank you. Thank you for not abandoning me tonight when i just needed a random chat.
Please dont hate me for taking your sleeping hours away. Appology accepted?

Someone ask me to marry a mechanic today.
So that he can fix all my problem away when it comes to car issue.
It was a joke. But because if was from him i felt offended.
You may not want me but you dont get to decide whom you want to push me to.
You have no right.
That joke is not funny.
If thats a revenge from you then it is childish.

So i was too serious now?

You want fantasy but cant handle the reality?

Sigh. What am i even saying?

Huhu...

Y u thunder?


Friday, 2 June 2017

Not giving up yet?

:) You are quite unpredictable dont you?

Your call made my day. A simple but carefree talk.
Utter nonsense of the remedy to my flu etc...

Not more than 15 minutes. I still prefer to talk to you face to face. I can still sense some trace of over nervous kinda feeling in both of our voices.
But we laugh it off anyway. :)

Can you assure me that you are a good person before anything else?

Im not convinced. Too good to be true. haha.
I guess thats the problem with good looks.
People like to judge us. :3
And worst still is how we know each other.
Promise to tell my mom that we met in FB if you got questioned.
Or else you are not allow to fetch me again.
Lollll.

Sigh.

I guess we wont have our 2nd meet up anytime soon. At least not these 2 weeks.

It's okay. If something is meant to be, it will be.
If i can waste my 2 years waiting for a man who cant love me. I can spend some months to do some screening on you.

Im not a fast food. Fyi. I hope you respect that. And like that. I hope you are not a fast food lovers too. Mcd is exception.

It is a shame now that we are a world whereby we tend to judge or be cautious on people.
What do you see in me?

Bottom line is. I will be just happy to have you just as a chatting friend.

Ill be going epoh n penang next thur and back on sunday. Expecting the trip day night got me sick now.

Le boy was hardworking this week.
Lunches and date night.
Hmmp.
The Alient Covenent is hard for the visual pleasing.
You might wanna skip it. Haha...
The similar alien like the one on the movie alien vs predator.
Anyway this time it involves galaxy and biological stuff. They got me interested. He likes the trailer.
I wonder if he likes the movie.

49 days passed. I wish the prayers and the ceremony were all smooth and well executed.
She is now part of the family royalty :)
She would be at peace. Just be well and reach your inner peace soonest to ease her fear and worries.
Help her by helping yourself boy.

She will be loved to heaven. That i am sure of.
She is not going anywhere else but there.

Take good care boy.
Talk to me if you need to.
You know im always here.
Untill i see someone else.
Im always here.

The bitter herb tea.
The 1st surprise you did that made me feel that you really do care of me.
It was almost unbelievable.
Thank you.




Saturday, 27 May 2017

We finally met.
Thanks for making the effort.
I never know how much i worth until i see people making effort in knowing me a little bit better.
And it turns out better than i can ever imagine.
You are my type of choice.
Those type that i will fall for. Men i will look twice if i see them on the street. And that is exactly what i am afraid of.

I dont wanna repeat this circle.

You are something odd. Something facinating.
You are funny and i wonder why you appear so familiar and it feels like i have known you for sometimes. Cuz you are A LEO!
Thanks for letting me know that you're a Leo.
Thank god for a leo. But a leo is not easy to deal with.
I know cuz i am one hard bitch.
I know how ego and revengeful i could be.

You made me feel like a princess today.
Laugh like a kid.
Pampered like a lady.

I shall see you in next effort maybe.
Yours or mine.
I dont know.
Im not sure if im worthy for a second date.

Thank you for being the best thing that happen this year. You are one big hell of a distraction for me to try let go of the hesitation im facing.

A dog n baby lovers cant be that bad of a boy.

You made this lady so shy.
Blushed madly.


Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Pms.
Now it has got to be 2 weeks pms perhaps.
He knew it and you have no freaking idea.
He always know. If he wishes to.
But you. I dont know.
You will ask. But im not sure if you ever wish to know any longer.
If i ever sense you dont care anymore.
I will not ever open up to you again.
You thought i was unhappy.
You have no idea what went wrong.
You have yet to get the idea.
The urgency.
The effort.
Not everything that loves you will sit still and wait for your forever.

I never expect anything from my goodwill to you.
I dont think you can ever repay me as well.
To the extend that ill be thankful for you.
All effort i have pour in for you and us are worth it.
They were not wasted.
Perhaps for now. You may live your live as best as it may take you. That would be your ultimate repayment to me.

I am a extravagent dreamy gal that gone simple and thankful. The little rebelious me and the ever larger than life me is still deeply burried. For everyone's happiness and comfort.
One day it will be unleashed and you will see my biggest smile ever plaster on my face.

I beg n pray for your inner peace and smooth ride in future undertaking.
I wish you well.
Same as his when he walks away.
I will take care of you both so long we are under the same company.

Goodnite


Sunday, 21 May 2017

520

The day that you called without warning.
I pushed you away so many time yet you came back for god knows what reason.
Please be a great distraction.
But please dont be a fuckboy.
I met quite a few these few years and it is enough.

If we are workable. Pls work it out.
Or else dont even try.

I will not be kind this time.
Dear Love.

You called me at an early hour today. Sounding like nothing has happened.
Like yesterday never happened.
The fact that i saw you and you saw me at town and you never called me right after and the hours later.

Was it because of the sensitive 520 date that you wish to avoid me thinking much that you are ready or something.  Haha... if you feel that im thinking too much and sound crazy it is all because how you overthink stuff and complicate things.

To be honest you made me very emotional and sad.
You make me wish to move on and not stay put for you. You made me feel so unwanted. I kept giving you reasons that this is a challenging period for you and that i should be more understanding. But you are not assuring me that things are gonna be okay.
Despite every odd thing i try to hold on and try to persevere. But it seems like im fighting this war alone.

From the get go it was me who keep giving n trying.
And time to time you told me you were trying as well but you just couldn't. It was not enough. It was close to 1.5 years already.

I dont know what makes you think i was not enough. You claimed that there are things between us that cant convinced you. Compatibility.
Im sorry that you cant work on that but i really have tried my best.

Things you found unsuitable other people found it attractive. I try push people away for extra chances for us. I wish not to put myself in a position to find a better person. Im afraid that i will not choose you if i have to make decision. Or do you prefer i choose otherwise? So that you could be spared from making any decision yourself.
Do you understand the unnerving feeling im going through?

There was a saying that says one will never put oneself in a position to lose someone if he or she is important to you.

I knew you were important to me when the tragic incident happened to you.
Because we both collapsed that week.
I wasnt the only one who cried with you.
And she has to make it a point to crush me and continue to tear all the little hope im holding for us.
And you did nothing to assure me.
Maybe you did but it wasnt encouraging.
That week itself. I wasnt needed. I was not needed.

Maybe you rather lose me than to face this drama at all. Tell me. What you wish me to do?
Continue to expect nothing and let nature take its course? Until the day you are ready?
Until you yet to see anyone better?
Or that day you dont see coming?

I had too many people asking me to move on from the get go. Everytime i shudder to the idea because i just couldnt face it.
I really wish to continue to hold on. But up to when? After the passing of the 100 days? How assured you are that you are capable to make decision by then?

I know there are things that cant be force. I wasnt desperate to want to be in love. But i kenot be held waiting for nothing and kept be denied. It really hurts me. It devalues me. I feel so worthless.
I really dont know how to face you love.

Im like a part time hang around gf.
More than best friend. But not a suitable one.
As at when needed then ill be around for you.
Always here waiting. Not seeking. Not forcing.
Cannot expect and cannot be jealous.

And hearing you today breaks me a little.
Cuz it was like it is okay for you to just talk to me when you feel like it and dump me aside when you dont wish to talk. I told myself this is temporary but i cant convinced myself. Days when it matters we dont talk or celebrate and when odd things happened we dont clarify.

I bet you have no idea i was mad at all.

I couldnt bring myself to do it.
Maybe cuz it really dont matter now.
One day when the jealousy subsides.
I will know what to do.

And making this hearbreak decision myself could be the last good thing i can ever do for you.

I wish you happiness dear.
I wish you love.
It wont be from me but they would be from whom you love.

And it will be worth it.
Day when you know how to make decision because you have no doubt on her.
Compatible at its greatest form.
I dont doubt you will find her.
I only wish she love you the same as once i could.

We are gonna be best of friends.
This i promise you.
And i will show you how i could be diplomatic on work and relationship and this time you will finally see how it is workable.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Much relieved to see you more lively these few days.
Your annoying sarcasm is back and im most glad to hear them out loud.

They said if your conversation with someone you are close with getting shorter, the conversation between that someone with another is getting longer.

I dont think that applies to us yet. Maybe one day. 
I just hope you have sufficient sleep everynight.
Some comfortable dreams and visions that encourage you.

I dont get many good night lately. Haha...
Apparently i still get jealous over translated chinese words on her wall.
I just... i wish the translation option could just disappeared.
Or perhaps ill just increase the ignorance level. Something i became good at.
Im happy that im still jealous.
I promise you one day i will no longer.
We all gonna be best of friends.
I assured you that. Because both of you have different value to me. Both equally worthy to cherish for.

My house is gonna be ready in 2 weeks.
To much expectation and expenses.
I finally begin to see it becoming.
I only hope that the end product is something i can live with.

Boss got me brainwashed for literally 3 hours. All of our colleagues were called in for meeting.
Something i hate especially for repeated thing which doesnt apply to my core job. But then again everytime he speaks i somehow will listen and buy his talk.

I thk he is a good manipulater in a great way. Somehow he can convinced me to do things as he wants. Imagine if he is your bf and he could make you do all he wants. Hahaha...Perfectly realist and his frankness might surprise you.

I begin to really see how he got to be at his position.
Well... pbb together we are the best.

Funny how i become someone who no longer care about my own reputation. No longer feel challenged by others. Either im too comfortable helping others or that i just lose the passion. Leo in nature is competitive. Boss said something that kinda make me feel bad. He said i have proved to him that i am capable to do well in target. But i slumped. Be more aggresive and realligned your strategy. Dont just help others. Haha... so he sees.... :)

What do i do?
I felt overworked.
The compliance and the new centre setting up. More adjustment and changes. Work load and restrictions and gosh... im a bit pressured by all this.

Some more the house stuff. The money arrangement... fortunately i have a very caring cousin brother who helped me so much despite not earning a single dime from me.
He and his sister are very kind to me.
Owe them big one.
Thank you much :)

Distance between us is further than 45 minutes now.
That made me so stumbled. Fumbled.
Things happen i guess.

Again i have to go through my own journey making things happen on my own.
You werent around.
You couldnt. But would you if you could?

Not asking you this give me the power to give you the benefit of a doubt.

I probably dont like your answer anyway.

Sigh.



Saturday, 13 May 2017

Are we gonna lose it?

Is this period starting to make u feel that perhaps it is not all so worth it?

Missing one person and continue loving another has no interference.

It is a challenging period to you. Adjustment and
Changes along the way.
I really tried not to step overboard.
Maybe i still do. But i tried not to.
I really dont know how to uncare once i start caring.
It seems everything i say or do doesnt make sense or even useful now.

I dont know how much you need any support or some warm wishes.
I dont wish to put you off.
I dont wish you to be alone as well.
I knew u have good siblings and family member around. They did wonderful.

Im really just an extra.
I only seek this extra is not being annoying to you.

Perhaps we need a lot of time.
Im not even sure this 100 days can make any different.

We all eventually have to move on.
During this trying period. You will lose some
Hope. Dream. Desire. Wanting. Needs.
Characters. All u ever believe might be no longer valid.

You will see also some truth about human' nature on which of them actually care about you.

Things i dont ask doesnt mean i dont care or dont wish to know. Sometimes i prefer to trust you did everythong for a reason. And i simply know you needed to do so.

Puting your mama photo as ir profile picture.
I thought it was pretty sweet.
It was lovely. She was so beautiful in it. And to do it on mother's day? It was really sweet.
But everything must have its quota.
You can only choose to indulge to missing her some hours of everyday.
You have to have life balance.
Life might not be meaningful anymore but you gotta still be living this life for her.

Unless she wants it back.
Or else you fucking deal with it on how to survive this cruel world. It was her gift for you.
Weather it was laws of attraction or power of nature or watever shit. Things happen mostly without explanation. This time it chose to hit you hard and leave no reason for you to decipher.
Its unfair. Painful is an understatement.


I am sad seeing you and us deteriorate like this.
Could you ease my mind once in awhile?
On what you think about us and do we still have nothing within us.
Will you still try your level best?

Or would you send me to someone else ?
Would you fight to want me stay?
I know i shouldnt be questioning this now.
But im still alive. I feel things.
Maybe at this hour im still not important.
But i hope you manage to be better for those family members who are also trying to live for her.
Time will help you. Given enough time. You will be able to stand strong. I hope you dont push this away as well.

Happy mothet's day to both your mama n my mama.
You have been a good boy and she deserve all the credit every compliment directed to you.

Mrs Koo.
Pls know that your son has been so well mannered.
Mostly all of us likes him due to his good nature snd overall well being.
Thanks for forming him into the man he is and gving us the opportunity for us to meet him.

You will be missed deeply.
Help him slowly moved on.

Continue to bless him.
Every boy need his mama.
You were his rock, home and every reason he came home to.

I hope you knew he loves you so very much.



Monday, 8 May 2017

Dear love.

No matter what my future holds.
What us will lead to.

I will walk with you this rough patches.
I dont know why it has got to be this rough at this period of time.
But this halt is never welcome period.
I wish i could make you fall asleep at least one peaceful night so it could reduce your pain.
At least temporary.

Trust me when i tell you i could feel your pain.
There isnt a day goes by that i wonder how are you going through each day without her.
It was how i exactly i go on without my baby every day since he was gone.

A lot of things you need to get used to.
A lot of things will change.
Every corner at home you will still see her and too many memory flash back that will kill you.
Because i knew that feeling so it hit me as hard as it hit you now.

You have to be strong for her to move on. Help her and help yourself love. No matter how you cant let go. You have to slowly do so.
When i lost my baby. Every night i pray.
I hope he goes to better place.
I hope all his love for me and his saviour and sacrfices will lead him to a better place.
Everyday i seek forgiveness and if i have to trade anything for his well being in afterlife. Just take it.

But i guess im the worst example you can ever refer. Cuz i couldnt move on. I just try to forget and ignore.
Try to wipe off the past 12 years memories i had with him. Pure stupidness. Haha...
Thats y i hardly say much. Nothing anyone say will ever mend your heart now. Especially it seems i just couldnt bring the right word to say at the right time.

I can only continue to be here and whenever you need someone to listen to. To talk to. Anything you ask babe. Im just one text or call away.
You have no idea how willing i am. At least for now.

But you gotta promise to try to live. I promise you that the world still got alot to offer. See more and experience more before it takes you away from people who loves you.

Believe that one day u guys will be reunited.
Funny how i dun believe in god. But i would pray when im lost. When i am incapable to help the one i love. Like you. For now. I just duno what i can do. Im helpless.

The energy of believe and having faith is very powerful. I knew it was intangible to say that my baby and i will be together again once i die. You knew it might not happen. But it doesnt harm to believe in it. At least i am not afraid of dying.
I only dont wish my mom to suffer without me around.

Haha...

Things i suffer for those that i love.
Love. She dont has a choice. You have.
Live for her. Be fair to her. Cuz those up there they definitely didnt been fair to her.
Be better in time.
I know you will manage it. Slowly and surely.
I will support you until you are ready to brave the world alone.

Let it ache.
Let it tear.
Let it crumble.
Collapse if you may.
When you hit rock bottom please do remember to reach out to us. We are here waiting you to walk out of somberness.
Whenever you are ready. :')

Take care love.
Im so used to being fed with your attention and
I am too a bit lost not having it suddenly.
Maybe its my turn to reverse the role?
Your well being is my concern.
I couldnt be the reason for your happiness. I wish though.
I would like to try. Maybe you wont be ever to feel the same contended feeling again.
But yes. You will be able to be okay soonest.

Ill be strong until you get better.
Gayao.


Saturday, 6 May 2017

Things i did for love.

Went to ntlp 20th last friday alone again. Every year since i became ex newtuner and officially joined the oldtuner's gp, i will reserve 2 seats for me and if i am lucky for the plus one.

And every year that he will dissapoint me.
I guess it is for the better. When you are alone u get to do things your way. And ntlp was always a gathering for all newtuners.

So we will try to gather around and chat.
Well.
It is okay.
This is a precious thing i always wish to share. But only for those who cares.

Ntlp is already 20 yrs old.
How time pass.
Im on my 6th year as senior.
I cant remember very strongly how the past 5 years has gone but i did went every year.
The only passion that has yet to die.

Period. House renovation.
Noise polution.
Stress. Eating disorder again.
Love is sick. And me too is sick.
Next week atm week lagi.
Arghhhhh....

Hope you are fine, love.

Sunday, 30 April 2017

Dear Love.

I think i expected too much too soon from you.
You were back on Wednesday and we spent the evening together.
That was such a relieve to see you brave up to face the world. And me. Every step we took i had an urgency to hug you. Im not sure the hug is for me or for you. As always you never seems inviting for intimacy. I could foresee that you might push me away. Or you might not. I really dont know.

We done some silly things together. As always.
I wish i could distract you but mostly i wish that you can release your pain with me. We can commemorate her in a way u like like recalling your time with her. Her jokes you used to tell me...
Things u wish to do to be able to feel better.

I have this big a heart dedicated to you and its waiting for your calling. But it seems you favour another form of healing. Either way babe. Your well being is my biggest concern. Any method you choose ill be standing by untill you are better.
I wish u heal the right way. A healthy moving on.

To me. For her. From everything i know about her from you and generally as a mother.
Dont doubt that she doesnt love you by leaving in such tragic.
Dont doubt that you are not a good child for not be able to do any extra.
Every small things you do and make her feel.
When you finish all her cooks.
When you watch tv with her.
When you tell her your bad and good day.
When you reach home safe.
When you call her mom.
When all your close friends knows about her.
All these are all she ever wanted from a child.

Surely you may do extra love. But you were not given a chance. Life they dont judge fairly.
Not everyone was ever so lucky.
I wishes her well in afterlife.

Mostly i wishes you be able to carry on her legacy until the day your final day bid us goodbye.
She has given her everything to form this 25 yrs old brilliant independant kind man. A brave heart and a smart head. It took her 9 months to form all your greatness and a long term life commitment to shape you into you today.
The last thing she ever want is to see all these
 collapse before her eyes.

Live on love.
Live on with her gift.
This bitter scare will not heal.
A lost so big will leave a forever hole in your heart that no one can ever fill.
Every day u will be missing her and everything arround you will remind you of her.
And you should.
So that the fond memories will be vividly kept for a good long time.
Its gonna be pain and ache love.
But you will not die.
In fact you will be even compassionate to those who suffer the same.

Every hour and every day you will breathe harder and one day you will be better with this new found rhythm.

She has her calling. Perhaps her duty as a full time mom is finally rewarded with eternal sunshine, a place of forever confort? The best are always taken much earlier right?

I know this is bullshit. But we will not be given answer. Holding grudge will only made her fearing to move on and couldnt bid a final farewell.
Embrace all the ticking time given now and ready to let it be soonest. Let her move on.

Love you have no choice.
I wish i could exchange my every worth of every fibre of my being to give you that choice.
But who are we to negotiate?

Dont be afraid.
Please let me walk with you.
Walk while carrying so much of her inside you.
She will see the man you are becoming.
Now go make her proud.

Be better in time love.
The final lesson we got is to live life now.
Cuz we dont know when is our calling due.
I will only give u up to that 100 days.

Dont make me spend even one more day extra questioning.
Im not gonna give you that chance.
If for the mercy of whoever we got to live and see the 100th days later.

Ill be here and we wont be seeing each other for the coming 7 days. Till then;

Meditate your soul babe.
Time heals.
I have faith in you.

Dont make me lose you too.










Sunday, 23 April 2017

Dear love.

It has been 1 week. And yesterday it feels like you again.
It feels natural but im not sure if you're faking it to appear fine and okay.

It hope you are stable. Cuz it makes me feel better.
I always feel like im talking to 3 different human when he is actually just you.
The face to face you.
The on the phone you.
The texting you.

Each of you give me a different feeling.
They are all good.
Haha... like im dating a man with 3 personalities....
Huhu.... how spooky neh.

I guess it suits me with my own 3 precious personality too. Haha... how crazy.

He knows about it. He knows about it long b4.
Our story goes wat back right babe? Since year end 2015 i supposed.

Wow... how time passed!
I still havent really shake off the 1st image i had of you. You were passing through the alley infront of gilbert's room with the red shirt. How lansi.

Skinny medium height boy quite charming from my seat view. Super young. Aiks... another didi.

Then u gone MIA for course 2 weeks.
No thanks to the Epoh trip and the spell kinda take over. The rest was history.

Fast forward back to yesterday.
It feels like us again.
I feel relieved. I wish this incident made you a stronger man and not the other way round.
Most importantly not to give up on life.
The way u assured me was everything.
Even if whatever we have gotta change, i want the very best for you and it shall only get better in time.

Anything you need to get you there i will assist.
It is no brainer on that matter.

Dear love.

I had 2 unsent gift for u. One was back in year 2016 december. One is from today.
I wonder how i would hand it over to you.
But i guess it would be just a matter of time.
After that incident it further assure me that i should just do what i want. And not holding back. This urgency has always been in my mind cuz i dont see myself having the luxury of procastinate years ahead.

** If i had to leave b4 i hand over to you. Pls claim it from my mom in Joshua.

But i was always more concern towards other 's well being that i rather hold back for their comfort. This time i wont.

What we have is complicated.
I dont like it. Complication has been a norm in my life and i hate it so much i no longer need more of it from anyone or any situation.

Thats y i appear simple and to an extend of being thoughtless. When i was living and breathing thoughts, you were not here in my life yet dearest.
You dont know me yet. You would never want to know that crazy gal.

What we had was clear from the beginning.
What i felt was genuine.

Your certainties? Im not too sure if they were answered.

To me those uncertainties are pointless if you dont seek for answers. Or make effort to solve it.

Anyway. This is our testing time. Your challenging period. I only want the best for you with or without me. But dont push me away for the 2nd time.
I gave in once the 1st time you dont want me around cuz your well being is my sole intention.

But i wont tolerate it this time unless im settled for the fact i am just a burden and im not needed at all for the whole healing process.

If by the end of this journey u walk out better knowing that i am still not the right person for you to walk the rest of your life with, then we make the right call right away. Cuz no point sabotaging our beautiful friendship and our 38 group.

Hmmp. At least 100 days.

I miss you thats for sure.
So much so my world doesnt seems the same when you lost her that day.
Thats when i feel that my world revolves around you.
Thats when i know my heart's calling.

Things i am capable to do and handle for my love sometimes is beyond what i can ever imagine.
I have a lot of things planned for us this coming days.
For us me or you.

I hope it give you some purpose while i keep disturbing you. I might be abit lebih in a lot of ways but my intention is just to make you feel occupied and better, loved.

I hope what we have can grow strong against all odd. If not by this end of the year i wish to conclude and move on. 2 years of prolonged decision making is wearing me out. But i am truly grateful for everything that happenned and knowing you is a blessing.

Friends calls me stupid. But if i were destined to choose the person i love who doesnt love me back, be it.
Cuz i couldnt and will never choose the person who love me more knowing my heart belong to another person.
It i were meant to suffer this curse, be it. Anyway it has been 10 years since 1st crush.
Be it!
Im used to it. Just perhaps after this boy ill go pure lesbian. Even if im not ill just declare as one.

I think if one day i had to leave without goodbye.
Whoever read my journey kindly please lead him here and let him read my feeling to bid me goodbye.
Cuz im not sure if i can do it vocally or even have the opportunity to say it myself.

Ronan keating sings a song once i kinda love..
It goes....

*
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
*

The coping of losing someone you love is very difficult to sink in. It takes a great length of time.
I know cuz i never really recover losing my dog.
To you it was just a pet. To me he was my family.

The only one who stood by me when my family couldnt provide me security and love. He was the only one i had. I remember hugging him crying and him giving me hope to carry on this pathetic life.

I only trying to forget to get by and to move on. But it never gonna recover.

So dearest.
You gotta be better than me. Dare to miss the memory and recall the lovely memories or you will regret just like me cuz i couldnt remember my love very well now. Memory hurts but also warming.

It pains but it gets you through tough days when you thought it was worthless.

Gayao.

I wish i had you when i lost him.
I wont let you go through it without knowing that someone care enough for your to break down if u ever wish to.
Your family unity warms me.
I know u are not alone.
I could be an extra help.
It could be little to you.
But it is huge to me.
Cuz it marks my position where no one can replace.


I guess i shall see u coming wednesday okay?
:)

I should be napping but i couldnt.
Sigh.