Saturday, 23 April 2016


Fuiyoo... banyak focus reading my essay. 
Lol. Lazy reading huh? Then most probably you wont have enough interest to read my blog too; to my advantage. 

We both have short hair cut. 
Both so boyish.
I wonder if ill be too manly.
Esp when im often just a jeans gal with a T.
Perhaps you will be the one who could make me wear dress in outing despite my skin flaw.

I recalled you said it is too short. Ofcuz that is my 1st respond too. But i'll hav to carry the hair cut for sometime.
It isnt the shortest ive done FYI. 

The boy was being very surprising today.
He had a planning done but didnt review it until i was in the car, half way reaching the toll. I like  capricorn with a plan. The very first time he took that lead and im very much in favour of that. 
We watched 10 cloverfield Land at IOI City Mall.
I was all smile. Surprised and impressed he pulled that off. 

A favourite place i often like to revisit.
Had some hiccups along the journey. 
But they were okay.
The movie was deep but it keeps getting you on your toe guessing what will be and how it would end up. The last 15 min of the movie was crazy. 
Thankfully it ended well or else the whole 1st 1 hour long part will be wasted. 

Then he brought me to a place where he loves to eat. Padi @ Cyberjaya.
I got him do some crazy stuff with me like getting the restaurant name card and told the bangla that the taco was not nice and got him brought tapau-ed old town red bean drink to starbuck. 
Haha... that was fun. Now when u drink the red bean blender again you will recall the silly stuff we did. 

I found your carelessness matches mine. 
Gosh. My theory was that the thing we could afford to leave behind is because it isnt so important. 
Your theory was that because you have more important thing at that moment to attend to. 
Really street smart answer!

We couldnt afford to spend longer time there.
The journey back from there to my house then back to his will eat up close to 2 hours. 

Ive invited him to go with me on the coming ntlp concert at ukm. Do u noe how difficult that was to me? It is challenging to my ego... i thought perhaps we can take turn inviting each other. 
And i appreciate that you have done quite some initiation. 
The ntlp thing is like a big part of my life. Too bad my batch kakis dont really gather now for it. 
But you didnt say yes or no. :( 

Not sure if he is in favour of that.
I wanted to spend good times with him at my favourite place back in 2008 to 2011. The eating spots and the campus itself. And of course for him to witness the concert i used to perform as a singer and dancer. That will be the part im not sure if he would like to be in. Cuz he has no obligation to say no to sitting stiffly at a uncomfortable chair at Dectar hall watching new songs but new raw talents whole night.
If it isnt for the club i grow up loving, ill perhaps give up going yearly ady. 

I hope you will say yes.

Im lovesick with Yuna feat Usher "crush" and i cant have enough of it. The fact that i couldnt find the ori illegal download of the song and her ep is not in store got me loving it even more. 

I had a sweet night :)
Thank you Lanson.
And you didnt say no to my coffee. 

Friday, 22 April 2016


Lost and found.

However it is no longer the same.

Wounds they heals. But scars remain.

Today we somewhat experienced the same old us routines. Work association like always.

We somehow rekindled.
But it doesn't feel the same any more.
I didnt see you like i used to.
I didnt want you like i used to.
I still very much care of you.
Because i call you as my friend.
That incident didnt make me see past our values and that appreciation i have in you.
Im not sure if you are testing or that you thought that he and i are an item.
We are pretty sure not yet.
He is very much like you.
So different yet so alike.
So many similar uncertainties.

When u stand so close to me today, i felt myself
moved a little away.
It wasnt because i was uncomfortable with you.
it was because i know i have someone else in my heart. That is when i know who.
It is like a muscle reflex. It happens before i know it.
I no longer care how well i dress and look when im with you.
I just need to know that you are alright and fine.

That red car and bull experiences were epic.
I still cant believe that they are so street smart to avoid you in such a narrow road.

You saw the terrible carelessness of me again.

Then cjx suggested group dinner after short mapex visit. 1st of a very long pause since our last.
Our usual friday group dinner with cjx n her boy whenever he is back from Sabah.
At her favourite place. Crabs and the usual stuffs.
I like how lovey duvey they are. And the most obvious signs among all was we sitting apart, with an extra chair in between us for bags! That never happens before. Never. I didnt feel odd until now.

Homed by 10.30pm.
I was looking forward to new favourite's attention.
That is my new routine.
My night ends with him and made me feel much balance. He and i we often have driving talk. Lol.
45 min talk (at times) during his trip home with 3 lousy line points in between.

As you found out more about a person
you discover abit more about yourself.

Looking forward for today.

Monday, 18 April 2016

New hair too short.
Every single time when she got too high and talked too much and i supposed lost focus
she will forget what i have asked from her and transform me another new hair style.

Another new cut and if i spike it i will look like Gaku from the dragon ball. Smaller length volume of course.

I got emotional. But in order to suppress this emotion, ill go shopping. Ill hurt my wallet before it gets to my heart. So i rather shift my attention towards another difficult task; indecisiveness towards choices. But because of my emotional distress, i tend to make fast choices. Thus i realized the best time to shop is when im emo. Perfection.
I was happie with what i bought home.


Im happy to see you happy :)
Im glad you finally found one and you looked so in love. So charming.
Im jealous but its a good jealous.
Be happy okay. Always.


Dreamt of my baby.
And in my semi consciousness i have to remind myself that hey, baby is gone.
Y are dreams so cruel?
Sometimes some sweet dream pops up and by the time u wake up, u have forgotten all the details.
And when this sad dreams come, all details are vividly plastered in your mind.

If heaven exist, pls lead my baby there and make sure he is not harm.
I dont always ask for help and i dont pray for my happiness.
I only wish you to help him a powerless soul spare him from all pain and misery.
I dun know where he is buried.
I dont know if his place is disturbed.
Or if it is uncomfortable.

Or if he just wanna visit me in my dream when i feel lonely.
But when i feel his needs and i can no longer be with him and... it kills me.
Please. Be well. Whatever you want me to trade in for his well being. My happiness? My companionship? My wealth? My healthy? Spare me enough to live enough.

Take it and leave me alone.
I love you baby.
The warmth of you in my embrace will forever be missed.

Saturday, 16 April 2016


What a Saturday.
Woke up super early to get ready to meet a big customer, signing an offer letter totalling 1.0 mil. Very nice customers thus work wise was pretty smooth. I went home around 12pm and finally ate my breakfast which i had skipped to pull the assignment off. 

Then i took my nap. And got a dinner invitation. After some adjustment, i have my plan for later half of the day sorted out. Meet him for dinner and meet my trio gals at 930pm, of which was delayed to 11pm. Adoi. 

Prior to that i had an argument with my mom on something i have promised to a friend. Gosh. I dont wish to go into details on this matter. I can only tell that there are certain things only a father can handle better and children's and parents' perception in certain matters differ too much. 

But trust me, my decision to help is solely because i really care of this friend. That is all. 

I finally see him around 7pm after he finished his work and took me outta an argument with my mom that shouldnt have begin with. Of course i disclosed this matter to him. 1stly because i think he should know and secondly i want his honest opinion on this matter. I dont think im in the wrong. My mom's denial to my decision often makes me so annoyed cuz the fact that i still felt being overly protected. 
Some emotional battle i still cant detach. 

Everybody knows theory and the rights n wrongs towards a matter but nobody will stands in my shoes and put themselves in that situation. 
Thank you for your understanding. 
I seek your assurance and im glad that you see this as diplomatic as it can be. 

Pattern king :)

You spent the entire night with me while not feeling well and busy during the day. 
Thank you.
I found your longer hair very appealing.
Can we have more nights like this minus off some earlier dramas? 

So i wont be seeing u for the next 3 days. 
Hmmp. Testing period i see. 
Ill wait for your initiation on a holiday :)
Im intrigued. 

I was occupied until the gals finally made it on 11pm. I miss us very much. It is so hard to only have this gathering only several months once. It is unfair. See u in a month's time. And ill see u soonest at sarawak dear. 
Be brave. Step forward. You will never know what the new sweet fellow can do.
Something i can relate to. As much as i wish to move forward towards this new relationship but it is scary as hell too. Specifically when assurance continue to fade and my confidence falls. 

When a leo feels defeated, she loses her pride.
It is an unusual sight and extremely difficult to revive. 

I used to scare of loneliness.
Now im more afraid to be with people who make me feel lonelier than i am when im alone. 


I used to be a talker. Noisy gal with a lots of thoughts and one that speaks my mind. 

Then i deteriorate into a listener when i realize that nobody is always ready to hear me out. 
Leo is deep. We have a lot of extremes. And sometimes they might not seem too easy to be understood by bystanders. 

They either get you or they dont. 
But not always that they care. So, i might as well just keep quite.

Funny how certain people can draw that out of you. 
How they are willing to hear you out while make ways to dual communications. 

This applies every time i crushes a person.
I wont force a person to like me. 
I wont initiate a chase. 
I often want my crush to fall for me very naturally just by knowing me enough to embrace my goods and flaws. 
Broken as ever be. But never shattered. 

I cant bear the fact that you might, in anyway forced to repay my kindness the wrong way.
I dont wish you to pity me or use me.
I dont have much to give. 
But my pride is ever fragile. 
Thus i dont easily give in.
And when i do, you are special.
My trust has its virtue.

Keep me in your mind. 
Dont mind me lurking in your mind heart n soul.
Im not selfish.
I only wishes you well.

Forget me not.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Dearest of all. oldest and longest.

We go way back. Way back.

1st friend i made in standard 1.
 I seriously dont know what i see in you and somehow made u mine.
A bff i called my own. 
I was always the loudest. 
You were always the introvert.
But when we are together we were one noisy pair.

The rest was history.
I could only recall your kindness. 
Your pressies. 
Your drawing.
Our sailormoon. 
You conteng my JC's poster.

Our lil adventures on the primary school's old tree. 
I think we left quite some markings and stickers there to represent our love and friendship. 

That was pure blessing of innocence and love.
Something we had given then which cant be taken back. 
Something that you've imprinted in my memory that can never be erased. 
Those were the carefree days. 
The only place i could run away was to run to you.

If u were born a bitch or some kinda criminal i would be your best partner in crime. 
Perhaps ill be at the street now with you smoking weeds and talking vulgarity.

Lol. I always thought u were my angel. 
A lot of people when i look at them i saw my past. Something i never wanna revisit again. 
With you i only see my happy childhood. 
You define my innocence. 

You are like a living memory. Walking past that are always there. Distance by voluntary. 
Closing in by choice. 

Whenever we meet we rekindled. 
A silence deal we had. 
Only us to understand.
We owe nobody explanation.

28 years old and we are still alive. 
Thank you for always keeping my deepest secrets and saddest stories. 
While knowing my best and being the one i could truly confide in.

You are my sanity and soul keeper. 
One that i call dearest. 

Happie birthday 28th Ah Lee. 

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Odd tuesday date

This is how it is to date a doctor. Odd date time n places :)
Fortunately you are just my bff. 
Btw, the lychee flavoured sundae cone sucks. 

So hard to get you. Sigh.
Just when i needed you most, you are always there.
My girls are always not around. 
You are the only one i can find comfort with for now.

Please bear with me like how Mowgli bears with Baloo. 
Untill i find my soul mate. 

He appears to be lost in the woods.
R u outta the woods?
Or perhaps eaten by Kaa the snake.
Or chased by Sher Khan the tiger. 

Why are we more like couple than i am with the person i crushes on?

Something is wrong. :)

Can you like slow down on your date life and help me fix mine? 


Kindness overload.

Dun shed tears. It hurts me.
Be brave. It's part of the learning curve.
Dun take it too personal. Take in the goods and forget the rest. 

It will be okay.
Trust me.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

The Saturday

I think i should start acknowledging my patience as the ultimate gift and talent cuz shall i have any less of it, most probably ive killed some people by now. Perhaps the closest ones. Cuz only the closest are capable to hurt you. Those who dont matter never matters. But those you care the most have the closest shooting point to kill you without the sense of mercy.
Know why i say so? Cuz the closest knows best. They know you too well on what will and not hurt you. And when they do hurt you, it is either intentional or they are being ignorant. Nuff said.

But how close is close?
You can be in a relationship or married with kids and yet not knowing your partner as a whole.


I went back to office yesterday to meet a customer and worked for a few more hours.
Few others were there inclusive my current favourite. Then a lunch date initiated. I was full and it was quite odd for a random 3some thus i declined the offer and continue my job. While at it, there was another colleague of mine in the office who is a woman with sixth sense and of course that comes with kepochi ness. As a person she is kind and motherly.

So some talks and questions. And the same old topic crops up. I should have accepted the lunch offer really. Then i wouldnt have been more emotional than i already was.

The night before, my ex roomate told me a known friend of us with her bf of 7 years have split. Gosh.
Another long term couple splits.
Why? Since i dont know them well, I dont have an idea. The suggested reasons were perhaps cuz they understand each other too well and thats why realized that they dont meant for each other or no more sparks between the 2 of them cuz too close for too long?

For me, i think those are wasted youth. Bullshit.
Do u really need 7 years to tell if your partner is the suitable one or the one you will love for always and forever? And if he or she is the one, why would there be less of a sparks now than before. As a relationship develops, it should only be more intense and rich in details. My best guess is either one falls for another person. Very soon one of them will perhaps show off another partner in public. I dont know. Im sad for them. Cuz they appear to be lovely together.
Sorry to know that.

Somehow couples even if they love less tend to stay together until another person comes by.
Cuz loneliness kills. Those who have been in a relationship will know the hollowness.

I kinda got used to being alone. So i never really look for one. And for that, the last thing i wish for is one that come to stir my interest and leave me hanging on a wire.

Something u shud never question.
Once u do, im done.
The main killer to the past.

Then i begin to review on my quest to search for a partner. And i realized that i have never really look for any specific one. I know what i like in a man but i wont invite extra opportunity to meet that person.

I might have trouble believing in higher authority they named G.O.D, but i truly believe in faith to a certain extend. I was being called stupid to fend off potential candidates by telling them im in a relationship or that i just very am busy to go out. I know myself too well, incapable to say no and i can be persuaded. So i wont take that chance to be put under such circumstances, to make decision... to hurt another person or to be questioned.

But seeing one couple break up after another lowers my confidence even more.
The lady said that i have to be brave to enter a relationship. If you dont, then you will never know if it will works out or not. Sure a break up will hurts badly. But because of that u would be stronger.

I told her that i understand too much to be hurt now and being able to tell how bad it could hurt and choose to enter the uncertain relationship anyway... wouldnt it be stupid? I guess you'll never know.

My question is can you tell if you love that person without walking into a relationship? Or u can only tell after being in a relationship?
The lady said most importantly you need to protect yourself. Be financially independent and he has to like you in the 1st place. He has to be a good person.
Cuz if he likes you, the least is that he wouldnt hurt you.

True that.

If he ever was. He wouldnt be able to have hurt me.
So can i tell that he has never liken me?
Many have ask if he has ever told me that he did not.
Many have seen how drifted apart we were.
Does that matter?
He was never at fault.
Mostly just me. Me mostly.
He is a sweet kid with a lot of potential.
Broken soul but one day he will be whole again.
Plenty of space for improvement as a being.
Young blood. Most importantly, he is still a friend.
One day he will be fine. Not mine to call.

Then being geboh and sharing, she asked if there is anyone in my life now. Lol. I said i dont know.
Is there?

I should really went out for the 3some lunch date.

The contrast between the past and present is mountain's high, river's deep.
I cant tell. I couldn't differentiate.
I mean is that my problem for being unable to tell or is that my luck to continue meeting water tester?

Confuse than ever.
For me relationship should be easy.
Complicity is caused by human in general.
Anything extra is a game. You are playing games.
You are not seeking for love.
You are thrilled by lust.

Relationship thus become a game for 2 and players are mostly crippled. Blinded by their perfect vision on their fantasy against reality.
I dont know what im talking about. Arghhh...
Having zero expertise in this topic yet i talk like a pro. Macam yes la. Dammit.

But there is a saying i hold on strongly.
Relationship of those time lasted longer cuz the fact that they practice a simple rule. When something is broken they will fix it. They dont throw it away. They dont take memory and love for granted.

These days, people practice conveniences.
Choices are more than ever.
Appreciation level has depreciate.
Everyone is waiting for something extra.
To be given extra.
Some perfection that will never comes.

They have forgotten that a wilted plan can be nurtured back to life.
They have forgotten that the plant itself is the outcome of their input. It represent how much of time and love you invest in it.

You cant expect a wild plant adopted by you by random of choice to grow as perfectly as it is in the wild now that it is grounded by you in a pot, infested by your selfishness and negligence, deprived of basic necessities.

When you love something, it grows.
It becomes the reflection of you.
But of course, why would anyone in their best sanity would want a wilted flower in the 1st place right?
That is crazy. Crazy person and crazy job.

But if you are not a gardener, perhaps the best thing you can do is dont in your kindest soul destroy an innocent living of a wild flower that perhaps its life itself might not really be worthwhile but still it has a value.
It has its job in the nature. Little to the world but sufficient for its own living, to stay alive.

It could use some credits though :)
Gracing the dirt on the road, making honey to bees etc...

So. I for instance is not the wild flower.
I am given a perfect set of limbs to walk out of other's life. A sanity level high enough to make the best judgement, in making the best decision to myself. Being Leo, i am not to be condemned.

As for now, my head is a mess and my vision is blurry. Until the storm is over, nothing is gonna change. Until a certainty is obtain. Till then.

So what i did on yesterday night was another epic decision. I went out to have my dinner and movie alone. The Jungle Book.
Good movie. It is good to watch with a partner.
But watching alone ain't so bad.
I could get used to it. Less self conscious.
Ill perhaps continue to buy 2 seat for 1 person aka my butt cuz i dont wish to have an unknown person sit next to me. Haha... gila.

The last time i watch movie alone was the last Ice age movie at Batu Pahat, during my status as mobile officer. It was a dark period of my life. I havent felt that for a long time. Not yesterday tho.

So the lion falls for the lamb.
My perfect Edward. 

A time for the soul. I need a me time. Yesterday was a perfect one.
I was reminded of some past memories and was being told something i think ain't so true but still i know that day and that change will inarguably gonna happen. That got me teary. I could still get teary for that. I guess wound heals but scars they remained.

Im just glad you accompanied me during the day, noon and the talk at night, got my mind off some emotional battles.
Thank you.
I might not tell you how much your presence have got me through this period. But im thankful.
I dont know what are we now and im not gonna request for assurance any more.
If it is not given voluntarily i wont ask. It's not mine.
Then perhaps ill be more emotionally stable.
Knowing where i stand perfectly.
The rest shall sync in naturally.

Pls go watch The Jungle Book. I can see your what the hell face already and hear u chuckle along the movie too. Or maybe just big wide smile. Esp when the wolf howls. Aww ah wooo... :)

The man cub is mine. Mine to me.

Let's rewatch. N ill watch u this time.
Complaint me chuckle lagi huh.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016


Its great when someone could express emotion into words.

This week I will be hell busy. 

Hmpp...  and while im at it, pls bear with me. 
So close yet so far. 
So near yet so distanced.

Natural or intentional. 

Ser feliz Joanne. 

Monday, 4 April 2016

Almost is never enough.

It was a Monday and I wasnt feeling very okay.
And i was missing quite a number of people lately.
And i cant make decision if i should go Penang coming 30th as much as i wish too or i should watch Ahmei concert instead. Thinking about the past experience of attending concert kinda scares me a bit.
So yes, like usual, when i couldnt make decision and time is ticking i will try to avoid thinking all together.

I was on bed quite early but i know i wouldnt be able to sleep. I had a feeling that he will find me chat cuz he often finds me on the right time.
Macam can sense.
Like superman's ability to hear Lois's heartbeat...
Whenever she is in danger, he can tell and he is right there to save her.

Haha... i could hear him say that this is impossible and im thinking too much in my head.

His presence to me in my life was at the right time.
For that im grateful to know him.

While predicting if my 6th sixth sense is trustworthy or not, i put on my current fav ballad on repeat while net surfing.

And tears escape my pores. A bad need of emotional bawl. I dont know why but after that i feel much better. That lasted for hmmp... 20min kot.
My pms was supposedly over for good.
So i dont really have a reason for the cry.

While i almost gave up on my 6th sense,
you came inviting. Wild guess came true.
The night ended well.
Calm and light.
Thank you for that.

A gift for my biz m. 
She loved it. :)
The moment i saw this gift i knew she would love it. 

While pampering others, a lovely junior i sayang drew a portrait of me. 
Mad love gurl :)

It was early Sunday morning when i saw the mid nite message and i thought i was having a dream cuz my senses were not back to my body.
And u can totally imagine how surprised again i was when i recheck my message box and it wasnt a dream. Hahaha

A visit to Nirvana
Miss u Ah Gung. 
See u again in Sept :)
It will be 3 years of departure already then. 

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Almost Is Never Enough By Adriana Grande feat. Nathan Sykes

I'd like to say we gave it a try
I'd like to blame it all on life
Maybe we just weren't right, but that's a lie, that's a lie

And we can deny it as much as we want
But in time our feelings will show

'Cause sooner or later
We'll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

Almost, almost is never enough
So close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me the way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart
But right here in each other's arms

And we almost, we almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough

If I could change the world overnight
There'd be no such thing as goodbye
You'd be standing right where you were
And we'd get the chance we deserve

Try to deny it as much as you want
But in time our feelings will show

'Cause sooner or later
We'll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

Almost, almost is never enough
So close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me the way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart
But right here in each other's arms

And we almost, we almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough


Almost is never enough.
Finally one damn song that do her voice justice.
She is like a young mariah carey... such a talent.
Sang all the wrong pop song for stardom exposure. Sigh. Wasted.

Beautiful melody, some aching lyrics and damn emotional luring to me. Kinda stir some memories.

A coincident flipping of channel and heard this song. Timeless ballad.


A lunch date... 
Never too odd with u.
Thot you would take up my whole day but u didnt ask. I got a few things on mind. Hmmp.

I guess we should have keep the movie for Saturday. It was a rushing tuesday anyway. 


I need my gals to be home asap. 

Friday, 1 April 2016

Daughter by John Mayer


I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too [3x]

One bitten twice shy

Words. Nuff said.

Ky said that is normal. For them to be that way. 
Normal is not an answer. 
A question i wouldnt ask. 
Like usual. 

So i just go around giving excuses to that. 
Until im fed up of giving a reason.
Then ill start to presume. 
And when i do, it often goes wrong.
Then ill be sad. 
Full circle.

Whatever la...
Who am I?
I know where i stand.