Sunday, 30 July 2017

Kota Tinggi... i mean Bukit Tinggi.


My lmao face. Everytime im happy my face fails me. I either look smashing pretty or i look awfully wrong. He says i looked natural. Well. Im not sure if that is a compliment or what. But i love whatever appear in that very shot. :)

Somehow i couldnt bring myself to look at him while he take my photo. I guess im adjusting. I feel so shy...


I guess he is adjusting too. He dislike taking photo but tag along anyway. Buff up your camera skill dude.


I really love this shot of ours.
We have come a long way. 
To here. This place.
From where we were. Todate.

From the day i was certain to how confused i am now.

One thing for sure is that i love seeing you happy.
I love seeing you laugh like a silly boy and carefree.

I miss that.
I am happy if i could be the reason behind your smile. Be it because of my clumpsiness or my random ass jokes. Or simply because you like seeing me around.


This is one of the place i always wanted to go.
Thanks for all the long hours drive to make my dream came true.

You may not be the boy with surprises but you will try your level best to make my day.

Please dont fail me again.
Because this is the last chance and the very last time we try.

Thank you for the road trip.
It means a lot :)




Wednesday, 26 July 2017

My last 20 ish bday is nearing.
And yet im left dumbfounded on what i should and could do on the big day.
Apparently it is just another day.
If im not celebrating it with someone i like or care,
I dont wanna celebrate it anymore.

Rather i just wish to do something diferent and special on that very date so when i think back i can recall the year.

The last 2 years celebration was rather forgetable except for my lovely gals who never fail me.

This year everyone was busy and far away.

I found it very disturbing how one can act like they care in one minute and then be gone by another second. I cant even fake a face if i dont care about you.

How scary and cruel it is.
Again proven apps dating sucks. Haha
Im saddenned that it only takes 3 dates to find out that you're tired of me.
Or leo just couldnt get another leo.

Im thinking of hiding away that week. I've taken the whole damn week off.
So wish to spend it on an island and some beaches. Too bad again i buy chance that i could go and plan it with someone special.

And yet again specials one always back off on most crucial times. Haha... fuck you all greatly. Fuck you!


What have i done you wrong?

Seriously.

It is time to finally wake up and do things for my own.

Im really really tired. :(


Tuesday, 18 July 2017

What has happened?

A U turn and a dead end.

I would be very happy if you have take the lead much earlier.

Im not a coal. Simple ignition to restart the fire.

Im more like a wet matches. Lol.

Im undecisive and im so scare of hurting you.

Talking about matches.

I found a broken one which got burnt out too quickly as soon as it has begun.

Wasted. But i know im not deserving.

So tired.
Gtg sleep.


Sunday, 2 July 2017

When you have trouble and phobia in making choices no thanks to the fucking OCD mental fucking disease and you gotta make a single choice cuz apparently a heart can only be owned by one soul.

How dumb am i? Rather innocent?

I am really the simplest person ever.
Mostly im being misunderstood due to my personality and appearance.

I either being taken as overfriendly too open minded or the other extreme as bitchy demanding and difficult to be pleased.

Purlease! Seriously.

What scares you most always comes find you.

And they did found me.

How am i not hitting the lotery but got all these awards for being a nice person??

Has the world gone mad??

Lol.

Okay okay.

I threw away a letter from 11 years ago.
1st crush. Denying my affection. On today. His bday. How coincident that you probably think that i staged this whole agenda up. Haha...

No. I did not... i was packing and filtering my gems which are overloaded and not organized.
And i saw it and i had an urge to read it again.
Nope. Not again. I tore them before my lil heart screammed no. Bubye... curse no more. Fuck u lil piece of shitty paper.

No i dont hate him. He was the 1st cutest banana i ever known. I truly wish he find one person he loves and capable to love him more than friend as well.

On the other hand.

Big sigh.

What is happening to my life?

Am i not good at handling my personal agenda?
They say buat baik dibalas baik kan?

Please know that my heart ache as much as you the moment i had to deliver the news that i might be seeing another. I can dont inform you but i could never let you be the last to know if i ever walk out.

Having to walk out from something that i have invested so much thinking that he could be one that changes my life sucks.
It is like a suicide leap over a building.
A decision built by despair and dissapointment and knowing ending it all is the only solution to keep both party comfort as priority.
A decision i fear and knowing that i will not revisit the same love twice caused me frustration.
I was one leg above air and edging to fall freely to start another phase but i hesitated again.

4 hours of texting and no problem solve. Again! Im so very tired really.

I came with a conclusion.
If we are meant to be we will be.
If you believe in faith. Then lets the nature take its couse.
If you believe in yourself, then do as your wish.
If you believe in love, work your hardest to secure you desire.
As simple as that. Dont complicates life which is complicated as hell.


If i am too much of a husstle, too hard too costly too overwhelming, then it is not worthy for the price.

I will not wait for you because i could not accept the reasons given. I understood your kind intention and the whole idealogy. But to me, frankly speaking you dont love me enough. And that is enough.

Certainty in life is bullshit.
Guaranteed of all truth in life only happens in mathemathics where formulas always lead you to an answer of certain.

Im not going anywhere.
But if someone successfully came by and sweep me off my feets. I wouldnt resist this time. Im not gonna chase them away telling them that im attached or i have my heart locked and will wait for that one guy.
If i choose him over you it is because he wanted me enough to prove his worth and not because i love you any less.

I cant unloved someone i ever loved. Im not A.I.
But i will try to forget you. And try to move on.

Thank you for your kindness your patient and all the good beautiful memories.
I dont think we can ever talk about all these face to face. So if you read me. I wish that you knew what you ady felt that i have chosen you once. And it matters.

Lets see what the balance 2017 might take me to.
And im going to lose it this year.
Claim your price!

*

Some people has no sense of consistency.
Sigh. As expected. Fuck tinder
What do you expect? Haha...
Just like everyone say... tinder is a hook up apps.
What? Like you expect true love coming out of it?
Well. I thought i got lucky this time.

*

I re read a letter from my old time bff. She wrote to me that she prefer to call me ah yan. A girl she knew. She dont know who is joanne.
Joanne is not familiar to her. So much of Joanne she is not know of.

I begin to not understand myself too.
Who am I? What do i really want?
What is happening?
:(