Sunday, 30 April 2017

Dear Love.

I think i expected too much too soon from you.
You were back on Wednesday and we spent the evening together.
That was such a relieve to see you brave up to face the world. And me. Every step we took i had an urgency to hug you. Im not sure the hug is for me or for you. As always you never seems inviting for intimacy. I could foresee that you might push me away. Or you might not. I really dont know.

We done some silly things together. As always.
I wish i could distract you but mostly i wish that you can release your pain with me. We can commemorate her in a way u like like recalling your time with her. Her jokes you used to tell me...
Things u wish to do to be able to feel better.

I have this big a heart dedicated to you and its waiting for your calling. But it seems you favour another form of healing. Either way babe. Your well being is my biggest concern. Any method you choose ill be standing by untill you are better.
I wish u heal the right way. A healthy moving on.

To me. For her. From everything i know about her from you and generally as a mother.
Dont doubt that she doesnt love you by leaving in such tragic.
Dont doubt that you are not a good child for not be able to do any extra.
Every small things you do and make her feel.
When you finish all her cooks.
When you watch tv with her.
When you tell her your bad and good day.
When you reach home safe.
When you call her mom.
When all your close friends knows about her.
All these are all she ever wanted from a child.

Surely you may do extra love. But you were not given a chance. Life they dont judge fairly.
Not everyone was ever so lucky.
I wishes her well in afterlife.

Mostly i wishes you be able to carry on her legacy until the day your final day bid us goodbye.
She has given her everything to form this 25 yrs old brilliant independant kind man. A brave heart and a smart head. It took her 9 months to form all your greatness and a long term life commitment to shape you into you today.
The last thing she ever want is to see all these
 collapse before her eyes.

Live on love.
Live on with her gift.
This bitter scare will not heal.
A lost so big will leave a forever hole in your heart that no one can ever fill.
Every day u will be missing her and everything arround you will remind you of her.
And you should.
So that the fond memories will be vividly kept for a good long time.
Its gonna be pain and ache love.
But you will not die.
In fact you will be even compassionate to those who suffer the same.

Every hour and every day you will breathe harder and one day you will be better with this new found rhythm.

She has her calling. Perhaps her duty as a full time mom is finally rewarded with eternal sunshine, a place of forever confort? The best are always taken much earlier right?

I know this is bullshit. But we will not be given answer. Holding grudge will only made her fearing to move on and couldnt bid a final farewell.
Embrace all the ticking time given now and ready to let it be soonest. Let her move on.

Love you have no choice.
I wish i could exchange my every worth of every fibre of my being to give you that choice.
But who are we to negotiate?

Dont be afraid.
Please let me walk with you.
Walk while carrying so much of her inside you.
She will see the man you are becoming.
Now go make her proud.

Be better in time love.
The final lesson we got is to live life now.
Cuz we dont know when is our calling due.
I will only give u up to that 100 days.

Dont make me spend even one more day extra questioning.
Im not gonna give you that chance.
If for the mercy of whoever we got to live and see the 100th days later.

Ill be here and we wont be seeing each other for the coming 7 days. Till then;

Meditate your soul babe.
Time heals.
I have faith in you.

Dont make me lose you too.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

Dear love.

It has been 1 week. And yesterday it feels like you again.
It feels natural but im not sure if you're faking it to appear fine and okay.

It hope you are stable. Cuz it makes me feel better.
I always feel like im talking to 3 different human when he is actually just you.
The face to face you.
The on the phone you.
The texting you.

Each of you give me a different feeling.
They are all good.
Haha... like im dating a man with 3 personalities....
Huhu.... how spooky neh.

I guess it suits me with my own 3 precious personality too. Haha... how crazy.

He knows about it. He knows about it long b4.
Our story goes wat back right babe? Since year end 2015 i supposed.

Wow... how time passed!
I still havent really shake off the 1st image i had of you. You were passing through the alley infront of gilbert's room with the red shirt. How lansi.

Skinny medium height boy quite charming from my seat view. Super young. Aiks... another didi.

Then u gone MIA for course 2 weeks.
No thanks to the Epoh trip and the spell kinda take over. The rest was history.

Fast forward back to yesterday.
It feels like us again.
I feel relieved. I wish this incident made you a stronger man and not the other way round.
Most importantly not to give up on life.
The way u assured me was everything.
Even if whatever we have gotta change, i want the very best for you and it shall only get better in time.

Anything you need to get you there i will assist.
It is no brainer on that matter.

Dear love.

I had 2 unsent gift for u. One was back in year 2016 december. One is from today.
I wonder how i would hand it over to you.
But i guess it would be just a matter of time.
After that incident it further assure me that i should just do what i want. And not holding back. This urgency has always been in my mind cuz i dont see myself having the luxury of procastinate years ahead.

** If i had to leave b4 i hand over to you. Pls claim it from my mom in Joshua.

But i was always more concern towards other 's well being that i rather hold back for their comfort. This time i wont.

What we have is complicated.
I dont like it. Complication has been a norm in my life and i hate it so much i no longer need more of it from anyone or any situation.

Thats y i appear simple and to an extend of being thoughtless. When i was living and breathing thoughts, you were not here in my life yet dearest.
You dont know me yet. You would never want to know that crazy gal.

What we had was clear from the beginning.
What i felt was genuine.

Your certainties? Im not too sure if they were answered.

To me those uncertainties are pointless if you dont seek for answers. Or make effort to solve it.

Anyway. This is our testing time. Your challenging period. I only want the best for you with or without me. But dont push me away for the 2nd time.
I gave in once the 1st time you dont want me around cuz your well being is my sole intention.

But i wont tolerate it this time unless im settled for the fact i am just a burden and im not needed at all for the whole healing process.

If by the end of this journey u walk out better knowing that i am still not the right person for you to walk the rest of your life with, then we make the right call right away. Cuz no point sabotaging our beautiful friendship and our 38 group.

Hmmp. At least 100 days.

I miss you thats for sure.
So much so my world doesnt seems the same when you lost her that day.
Thats when i feel that my world revolves around you.
Thats when i know my heart's calling.

Things i am capable to do and handle for my love sometimes is beyond what i can ever imagine.
I have a lot of things planned for us this coming days.
For us me or you.

I hope it give you some purpose while i keep disturbing you. I might be abit lebih in a lot of ways but my intention is just to make you feel occupied and better, loved.

I hope what we have can grow strong against all odd. If not by this end of the year i wish to conclude and move on. 2 years of prolonged decision making is wearing me out. But i am truly grateful for everything that happenned and knowing you is a blessing.

Friends calls me stupid. But if i were destined to choose the person i love who doesnt love me back, be it.
Cuz i couldnt and will never choose the person who love me more knowing my heart belong to another person.
It i were meant to suffer this curse, be it. Anyway it has been 10 years since 1st crush.
Be it!
Im used to it. Just perhaps after this boy ill go pure lesbian. Even if im not ill just declare as one.

I think if one day i had to leave without goodbye.
Whoever read my journey kindly please lead him here and let him read my feeling to bid me goodbye.
Cuz im not sure if i can do it vocally or even have the opportunity to say it myself.

Ronan keating sings a song once i kinda love..
It goes....

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

The coping of losing someone you love is very difficult to sink in. It takes a great length of time.
I know cuz i never really recover losing my dog.
To you it was just a pet. To me he was my family.

The only one who stood by me when my family couldnt provide me security and love. He was the only one i had. I remember hugging him crying and him giving me hope to carry on this pathetic life.

I only trying to forget to get by and to move on. But it never gonna recover.

So dearest.
You gotta be better than me. Dare to miss the memory and recall the lovely memories or you will regret just like me cuz i couldnt remember my love very well now. Memory hurts but also warming.

It pains but it gets you through tough days when you thought it was worthless.


I wish i had you when i lost him.
I wont let you go through it without knowing that someone care enough for your to break down if u ever wish to.
Your family unity warms me.
I know u are not alone.
I could be an extra help.
It could be little to you.
But it is huge to me.
Cuz it marks my position where no one can replace.

I guess i shall see u coming wednesday okay?

I should be napping but i couldnt.

Thursday, 20 April 2017

Dear you,

Im glad you manage to talk.
Im sorry if i push you too hard on it.
I guess im selfish?
I just wanna hear you. So bad.

You keep assure me to give you some time.
Ill wait. You will be okay in time.
Not rushing anywhere anytime now.
Im just abit uneasy and not used to see you like this.
Take all the time you need. Recovery need its time.

We are human after all.

Somehow in this topic, im blessed with an on off button.

Or else ill probably chocked to dead with my own tears.

Gayao babe.

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Dear you,

It's so weird. Why do i feel weird? Maybe it is just a shuffle of period we must endure. Maybe you are still struggling with the emotion and i somehow couldnt be the one with the most correct words to say. I dont know how dearest.

I dont know how to become your remedy when my presence is not what you want.

All you need is time. I understand and thats exactly what you seek as well. And time shall be granted.

Dont take too long though.
I cant stand being alone too long.
You have spoiled me enough with your attention.
And you know clearly that i have the best imagination ever.

The satelite has been signaling all others that the award for best saddest gal goes to her.
That kinda pissed me off.

I know my position.
I hope you like me to be in that position.
And respect it and continue invest in me.

Dear love.

I know you are never a reader and perhsps you might never come accross this page ever in your life.

Things i do for love.
I dont go shout out loud and let the world knows.
I only seek him to feel and aware.
I dont mind people misunderstand me.
Cuz they werent the one i need to report to.

Im coping with alot of work load and stress.
And my urgency for your trusting in me in your cases got me push even harder.
I never like this feeling. Im most willing to endure this for you but you gotta be back soonest.

Ill be strong for as long as you need me to.
But by the time i collapse you may need to help me pick up my pieces too.

Life is cruel and kind.
They let you have the best in world but may demand back whenever they wanted. You told me so.

Thus be appreciative towards important people and priorities.

Slowly love.
Im not going anywer anytime soon.
Till you decided you are done with me.


Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Dear Love.

How are you today?

Did anyone disturb you?

I only manage to cover so much. I hope it is sufficient.

Since im not allowed be near you or see you or brace this difficult time with you, covering these pack of agents and new cases are the only thing i can do. Which im good at. Hmmp...

Not that im given a chance to choose am i?

I guess some people rant at it publicly?
How inconsiderate at this moment of truth.
I mean she can be immature at all time but cant she at least spare a respect for the person who is grieving a one day off? A simple request demanded.
Considering who is whose most important i suppose i should be more pissed.

Anyway. Its never about her.

I am wondering the fact that you hold the cases as long as you could and out of sudden you really listen to me and allow me to assist you. It could be a way to keep me occupied huh? So i dont have to think about you?


Or maybe not.
I wish you can take the time off over the weekend and really chill down and back fresh and with strength.
No one can ever recover from a lost so huge.
No one is ever ready.
We can only slowly accept and move on.

Dont take too long leave.
You know i cant take it anymore too.
I wanna laugh and cry at the same time at my intention now. Haiz...

We still have many days and perhaps years ahead of us. Together or not.
You made me wanna live longer now cuz you are not going to lose anyone ever again.
Haha... if i ever mean so much to you.

I wish you have a safe journey to send mama to her eternal peaceful rest tomorrow.
A place next time you might wanna bring me see her to pay my respect when you are ready with both she and I.

I hope the day be kinder to you.
Enough of the rain and the sun can back off for awhile.
It would be the longest and hardest day for you.
Hold on dear...
Just hold on.

Loved child.
Be okay.

Ill be here waiting with embrace.

Monday, 17 April 2017

Dear Love,

These few days has been awfully long and painful.
I wonder for a second if you ever wish i was by your side.
I hope you knew that i wishes to be with you every hour.
I hope you know your importance to me.
I wish every night that i could wake up to next morning like these past days were just nightmares we both wake up to.
Then you will wish me good morning and ill start nagging u on daily task while u nag me back on my water level.

But i guess it wont be happening. Silly still it seems like im the one who cant move on.
Im a sucker to changes. I can see many things will follow suit.
I dont wish you to lose your passion and vibrant.
While... i just dont wish to lose you.

Ill be your rock as you have been mine.

Your absence makes the office mode somber as everyone here felt for you.
That is your impact to us.
You made your mark in Seremban branch.
And that defines you as a wonderful colleague and as a person.

I heard the satelite will loom over to your place without consent given. Then i guess im not brave enough to disobey you cuz your well being is my priority. Be it emotionally or physically.

I know u will be back and against all odd, we will make it. Because im not giving up. Unless you say outright wanting me away and im nothing but a burden who is consuming you alive.
Or else im not backing off.

When i lose my baby. Not a day goes by i cried while saying goodnight to the space where he normally laid while i closes the door. 12 years of practice and i had to put him to sleep.
Not a day goes by without guilt and pain.
In order to function, i try to forget. Try to avoid.
To a state i cant recall much of his memory. It wasnt a way to recover but i had no choice. I dont have you yet.

I hope you recover in the right way.

Dear love.
No one will ever come close to match her love and best wishes to you.
But one can always come next.
Only if you could open up your heart again to love.


Take good care of yourself until we meet.
Ill brave up for you.

Sunday, 16 April 2017

Dear love.

Your voice has the best meditation effect on me.
Hearing you knowing you are there and fine calms me.

These few days has been hard.
Someone who has always been so caring of me suddenly suffers the darkest moment in his life.
I wanna be there for you so much but you denied my presence.

I know your intention was kind and it was a pressure to see me while you are meditating and focus for your loved one.
Still it will be my biggest regret not being able to be there for u physically.
It wasnt a measurement of what anyway.
It simply means i care.
Whether im with you or not. I cant function knowing you are heartbroken.

I can only choose to respect your decision.
Im glad you are surrounded by your family and siblings.
Trust me. Nothing else your mama wish to see now other than this. Family unity surrounding her and walk with her to her final eternal journey.

I am one not good with words in the right situation.
I might not always give the best solution or the right advise at this situation.
Like you, when i suffer from lost, I only choose to hide myself.

But unlike you, i never have someone like me to keep bugging me during my darkest hour.
I havent know you yet.

So i dont know how i would react to over caring close to bugging state given by the closest one.
But knowing you for as long as i have and can get,
I would respect your time and space.

I promise to be around.
To be here there and whenever you need.
I dont wish you to deny the only one thing i could do now for now.

Be brave to pick up the pieces when you are ready to walk again. She will shine your way.
Do it for her. For all of us who care and love you.
Take all the time you need.

Friday, 14 April 2017

Dear love.

Seeing you so broken and distance breaks my heart.
I wish i could hug you and and let you release all your pain and if it comforts you.
But i dont know how.
I can see that you are fighting back tears and emotion. You are trying to assure everyone that you are okay and is trying to at least.

I dont know if my presence is more of a pressure or comfort. Worst still if my presence or textes annoys you for now.

Still I wish to be with you right now. I dont mind the hospital accomodation. I might not like it. I might be afraid but im willing so long i can standby for you. We can be in total silence or we could just talk random things. I could listen to you all day. U knew it.

I know im nobody. That makes it harder for me to request being by your side and for you to want to accept my offer now.

Gosh... fuck positions. It didnt come across my mind at all. All I know is that you matter now and i wish to deliver any effort at all for you and your beloved.

This has never happen before. This raw emotion and heartache i felt seeing someone so despair.
Wanting so much to take your place and trade negotiable worth to free your sadness. I wish i could somehow lift your sorrow and i wish all these were just nightmares.

I wish we can undo things.

I wish we could choose things.

I wish you could forever be happy and carefree.

I never love someone enough to want all the very best for him even if it takes all of me to grant him his dreams.

Dear you.
It has been unfair to have you deal with this sudden critical adjustment.
I hope you can allow me to be there for you.
Knowing that i will let go everything now just to go through this with you.
I knew i have a special place in your priority.
Promise to tell me. Anything at all.
Anytime you want it.

I just want you to be okay. To eat and sleep.
You need energy and an alert composure to make decision, to monitor and to fully take care of your mama.
The more i ask the more it gets on your nerve.
I might not be the right person or speak the most correct words at the right time.
But it kills me to see you so fragile.

Let me be part of the assistant.
I have cried so much these 2 days for a woman who i have never met (until today) but heard a lot since the day i know her son. All from her son's compliments about her cooking, her well being, his effort raising the family and her grace.
Knowing the bitter truth that he could have lost her forever and how it could affect him.

Aunty aka Mrs Koo
You dont know me yet.
Im your son's bully.
One that always causes him bad late sleeps.
Sometimes got him thinking hard too.
I wish you could get to know me.
Scolding your son on his slow progress in courtship.
I wish you can see the man he is becoming.
Watch him do great things.
A good man whom you raised and be proud of.

Dear Aunt.
Do know that youre so loved by family.
Dont just give up without a even trying.

Silly things i did for love.

I came across 1 doctor and 1 nurse.
Because i wanna ask and help and ask too many questions, the next reply from them would be who are you to the family?

You know what i answered?

Im the daughter in law.
Im the gf.

The sudden glee moment to even tell it outloud. It was necessary to use the position. Cuz hospital apply Pdpa setting too. So i lied. It was almost a privilege.

But i guess what we have will be further prolonged.
This incident got me even clearer on things.
I guess it will be hard for someone else to challenge your position.

If this can be exchanged to your mama recovery.
Im willing to wait forever.

Dear Love.

Please be well.
Sleep and eat good cuz u need the energy.

I promise to take care of myself cuz i cant fall sick during my standby mode.

Im just a text away.

Dont push me away please.

Do know that i am here waiting for your request.

I miss us already.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

I didnt know someone you love could affect you so much.
But i rather not get it proven like this.
I wish i wake up 2morow and all these were just a nightmare.

That we didnt encounter the incident.
That she was fine. And you were home.
Today is the longest day i had to encounter.
Time passes so slowly and every minute is so suffocating.

Nobody will ever know how to face someone who is losing a loved one.
I brave myself cuz i really care of him.
I would rather be there being helpless than not seeing him not knowing how he is doing.

That is exactly what is happening.

He is a strong man and i know he can control and react to situation very analytically and independently. But it just pains me seeing him so somber and not able to release his tension and ache.

It kills me to see him go through this.
I would wish that i could take it out from him and let me endure instead.

That is how much i love him as i know.
But only if the world works in my way.

I pray for your miricle recovery dear Mrs Koo.
He loves you dearly and please be strong for the family.

You havent even meet me yet.
Stay strong okay.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Dear God,

Im sorry. Im really sorry.
I know im a sinner.
Im filled of guilt and im most willing to bear it all on myself.

Spare it from my love.
Please please please i beg u please.
He is innocent.
Dont take his love away.
Please dont take his youth and freedom and most importantly his everything away.

He is only so young.
He dont deserve any heartbreak like this.
It is too hard and too unfair.

I beg you please.
Spare him. Take away my happiness.
Let him be okay.

I couldnt live without knowing he is fine.
I cant even see him being so helpless.
I promise to be better.
I seek your forgiveness.
Dont take away his comfort.
Dont take away his love.

He is only so young.

My heart cant cope with this pain.
Spare me this cruelty.

Take my happiness.

I seek your forgiveness.
If only your generous soul can ever find place to forgive me.
Let me fix myself.
Let me be better.

Ill do good.
Ill be kinder.

Just let him has his escape.
Dont take away his happiness.


Monday, 3 April 2017

Silly of me who still wait for u.

Another 5 min. A abit more while. Until 12am maybe...

Yes. I was the one who wish for it. And i also wish to see how you do otherwise.

Stupid me who still hesitate to start seeing another potential contender just because i feel like betraying when we have nothing between us.

I appear to be like single but not availble.

But in actuality im like available but feeling not quite single.

Do you get what i mean?

Ill get better i promise.

Time heals.

Time forgets.

Time erases.

Time is all i need.

2nd quarter of the year.
April is officily in.
Lets see what it has got to bring.

A lot of movies in line.

Saturday, 1 April 2017

A sky full of stars concert @ Singapore.

A sky full of stars and A head full of dreams.

Just the song and album titles are enough to catch my attention.

And that faithful day of 31st March 2017 marked a historical day of my life seeing one of the most respectable band in the world perform at Singapore.

Ohhh the effort i have to make to see them at Singapore live!

I was really lucky. I manage to contact a friend who is working at SG to assist me. She got a nice colleague who with sibeh good luck managed to logged in and score us all tickets.

March is a crucial time for bank and almost all of us were close to being denied leave.
I worked very hard to achieve my target so i can go onleave peacefully.

The long awaited concert since last year has finally arrived. I was seated next to yenming and her fiance.

The crowd. My goodness. It was even crazier than BSB's. The great stadium was a full house.
I think it was stated either 50k or 60k capacity whole house.

We were given LED wrist band and a pin for average price seating. More goodies for vip i think.

They were on time and played non stop for 2 hours.
Show started at 8pm and by then there was no turning back. We got so high and start jumping screaming and dancing like no body's business.
My old bones and muscles are aching now.

The old hits got me shivering and goosies all over.
Some songs got me teary and many songs got me jumping so crazily. Everybody was. The crowd was amazing! Hardly anyone sit anyway.

I was not at all disappoint!
I can only imagine how great it must be to be at the rockzone. But i couldnt afford the youngster's energy to line up super early just to queue to get the best rockzone spot. And im not super tall and i went to the concert solely.

Met some old friends and junior.
Slept over at bestie rented apartment.
Got to go and do some crazy tourist stuff like ridding the eye of singapore.
Sky ride at Sentosa.
Walk around marina bay for the 2nd time. This time it was at night and with a broken shoe.

I got to experienced the impecable discipline of MRT and bus and cab services.

It is a whole new culture and eye opening experiences. Now i truly see why and how they are capable to stand so strong with ever growing currency.

Something which Malaysia will need more time to learn.
1st thing 1st... bribery gotta be stopped.
Children need to be taught well. Discipline.

Coldplay concert and SG visitation is the 1st good thing in this 1st quarter of year 2017.
I hope it doesnt stop here.

To coldplay:

Thanks for coming to South East Asia and chose the closest spot to my country so that i can witness your glorious performance live at Singapore.

You are the band i grow to love. And will keep loving on. I might not be your biggest band' fans but i am one who truly appreciate your concert and your songs.
I am one of the stars that sparks with your wonder and will continue to be one so long you cater the universe of wonder for us.