I think i expected too much too soon from you.
You were back on Wednesday and we spent the evening together.
That was such a relieve to see you brave up to face the world. And me. Every step we took i had an urgency to hug you. Im not sure the hug is for me or for you. As always you never seems inviting for intimacy. I could foresee that you might push me away. Or you might not. I really dont know.
We done some silly things together. As always.
I wish i could distract you but mostly i wish that you can release your pain with me. We can commemorate her in a way u like like recalling your time with her. Her jokes you used to tell me...
Things u wish to do to be able to feel better.
I have this big a heart dedicated to you and its waiting for your calling. But it seems you favour another form of healing. Either way babe. Your well being is my biggest concern. Any method you choose ill be standing by untill you are better.
I wish u heal the right way. A healthy moving on.
To me. For her. From everything i know about her from you and generally as a mother.
Dont doubt that she doesnt love you by leaving in such tragic.
Dont doubt that you are not a good child for not be able to do any extra.
Every small things you do and make her feel.
When you finish all her cooks.
When you watch tv with her.
When you tell her your bad and good day.
When you reach home safe.
When you call her mom.
When all your close friends knows about her.
All these are all she ever wanted from a child.
Surely you may do extra love. But you were not given a chance. Life they dont judge fairly.
Not everyone was ever so lucky.
I wishes her well in afterlife.
Mostly i wishes you be able to carry on her legacy until the day your final day bid us goodbye.
She has given her everything to form this 25 yrs old brilliant independant kind man. A brave heart and a smart head. It took her 9 months to form all your greatness and a long term life commitment to shape you into you today.
The last thing she ever want is to see all these
collapse before her eyes.
Live on love.
Live on with her gift.
This bitter scare will not heal.
A lost so big will leave a forever hole in your heart that no one can ever fill.
Every day u will be missing her and everything arround you will remind you of her.
And you should.
So that the fond memories will be vividly kept for a good long time.
Its gonna be pain and ache love.
But you will not die.
In fact you will be even compassionate to those who suffer the same.
Every hour and every day you will breathe harder and one day you will be better with this new found rhythm.
She has her calling. Perhaps her duty as a full time mom is finally rewarded with eternal sunshine, a place of forever confort? The best are always taken much earlier right?
I know this is bullshit. But we will not be given answer. Holding grudge will only made her fearing to move on and couldnt bid a final farewell.
Embrace all the ticking time given now and ready to let it be soonest. Let her move on.
Love you have no choice.
I wish i could exchange my every worth of every fibre of my being to give you that choice.
But who are we to negotiate?
Dont be afraid.
Please let me walk with you.
Walk while carrying so much of her inside you.
She will see the man you are becoming.
Now go make her proud.
Be better in time love.
The final lesson we got is to live life now.
Cuz we dont know when is our calling due.
I will only give u up to that 100 days.
Dont make me spend even one more day extra questioning.
Im not gonna give you that chance.
If for the mercy of whoever we got to live and see the 100th days later.
Ill be here and we wont be seeing each other for the coming 7 days. Till then;
Meditate your soul babe.
I have faith in you.
Dont make me lose you too.