Tuesday, 31 January 2017

CNY 2017.. 1st month is officially over.

There u have us! The Upper Six Five 2006/2007.
Celebriting 11th year of friendship. 
I think we have altogether 31 members but these were the ones we manage to gather this year.
The familiar faces are always spot on.
Once yearly gathering i will never missed.

They formed a major part of my life and they have always been louded as my best friends.

My best gals keepers were all here.
The funniest dudes are all here.
Who else could i ask for?

And Ruth manage to come this year making the gathering much more fun. 
In fact, she was the 1st friend i made in U65.
Lovely gal.

Basically CNY to me is just a few public holiday with a lot of rush driving and a lot of things to take care of. A lot of money spent as well. Those previous years were the worst before my dog passed away and before i was mobile.

Thank god i grew up!

Those faces that i wish to meet especially my far away girl friends, i have met :) Im fully satisfied.

The next round we meet could be in 3 months, half yearly or by year end... sigh. I used to have them all near me everyday all throughout the years.

I will miss you all.

I hope you gals realized that not keeping in touch via texting and calling doesnt mean i care any less.
Im weird. Perhaps i fear the fact that if i got so in touch with you via phone but yet i couldnt see you anytime soon... i seriously dont like that feeling.

You guys bring meaning to my life. It started to blossom the day i met you all. And ill be forever grateful.








1st month 2017 is officially over by today.
Nothing much change.
Seriously not much.

They said dragon is one of the luckiest sign this year.
I hope its good. Just good will do.
All i ever wanted is emotional detachment and physical freedom and some good cash to spend on my special people and traveling.
Only that! 

I suppose im not asking a lot.
Enough health until the ripe year of 50 years old.

Thats all.

Not much right?!

Have not been sleeping well for a few days.
I guess i should just sleep for now and start tomorow fresh and great!


Neglected. As always.
I guess i know where i stand.
Times like this.... signified my importance.

I wish i could tell you what you made me feel but why should i?

You are not mine.

You have no obligation.

That is exactly the problem.


Friday, 20 January 2017

Best of both world.
Diferent kinda shy.
Diferent kinda value sharing.
Both joy and heartache.
Both love and bitterness.
Both are temporary and are passerby.

How unfortunate.
How wasted.

There must be an answer somewer.
I yet to find.

At the end we all give up.
I guess thats for the best.

Before you can love someone. You must 1st know how to love yourself.

And love myself i shall.
Everything is gonna be okay.
Just try to enjoy everyday as it is.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Last week i saw my ex 2nd crush posted a live video on facebook.
He engaged with le gf and i was very happy for him. From his wall and post his gf tagged him of, they seem very loving to each other. And i wishes him well.

When he finally post the video, i suppose his wedding day would be soon and im thinking if he would invite me and the rest of the newtune kakis.
Though we hardly keep contact and his absence on all newtune activities made it even harder to meet one another. But no one should ever doubt i miss him.

We were best of friends. We were all close together. So happy together.
We have been through so many amazing things along our 3 years in ukm. Imagine my shock when siewin told me that she was invited and it seems many of us which were once close to him was not in his mind while enlisting guest to his wedding.

Perhaps i wasnt as important as i thot of him as but the other few close senior and same batch kakis? Arent they special too?

Im very disappointed. And sad to be honest.

Sometimes i wonder if i have been too transparent in my blog. I write everything that crosses my mind.
If they were meant to be spoken, most of the things here shall be filtered.
I thought no one reads me but apparently some does and when ppl terasa or i memang speak of that person in here... please do know that this is the place all the junks end up in. They are not suppose to be taken seriously as this is me barenaked soul clense in a zone out space.

100% real but 100% thoughtless.
It is me with sub zero senses and i shall not be held responsible on all written things.

But i guess ive hurt some ppl over the blog here.
:( im sorry.

This is my playground.
Thus allow me to be frank.
I need some balance. Thus if ure weak and felt like you did me wrong. Please dont read me.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

It has been a year long and it felt like forever.
The faithful day of 10 jan 2016. Well problems occurred way earlier but the ultimate curse of decision forced its way on the said date.

So many things have changed.

Good and bad. Good and bad.
Great and worst.

2016 is one heck of a long year.
Towards the end of it i coulnt take it anymore.
Everyday i hope it will end faster. I chase after the day for a brand new year.
In a way i hope it could bring me new light.
Despite failing the recurrence desires, i found my self a proud owner of 2 houses.
Existing parents' house and the one next to it.
Despite not having expertise as buyer, guided by my banking experience i managed to do everything by myself.

My parents were spared from the misery of having to help me in anything at all.
After 5 years of working, i finally manage to do what i need to do. Despite it being not my wanting, it was for the necessary.
From the get go i knew i have to be tough and independent. But i knew i wasnt meant to be that.
I have a bad manja nature and im clingy.
Im afraid of messy troubles and hate making decision.
But i just have no body to depend on.
Fortunately i have people around me that i could seek help from. The colleague. The lawyer. The superior. Those that involved in the whole procedure. Thanks to my good banking financing behaviour and capacity. I managed to deal with it nicely.

Next step is to renovate the house.
God. The house! Sigh.
Nevermind. Mama gonna make u decent and presentable.
I will find a way. Despite being lazy as hell and totally not having an idea how to start. I will find a way.
I will make it happen.
Sadly im on my own again.
These are the things i really need advise and good people around to assist. But... sigh.
This will only enhance my superior ego as again life has proven that i need no body to survive. Lol...
Sudah lah...
Its all for the best.
It shall only be for the best.

In fact i have the whole house for my own creativity.
Counting the days to kick start this whole renovation work and moving in asap.

Mom is getting sicky and her dreadful superb negativities is eating me alive consuming and draining my soul. Everyday there is a new trick coming out. From the hormonal issues to blood pressure. From the unrhythmic heartbeat to blockage of heart vessals and her never dying dizziness. Her astma attacks. Blood pressure yoyo game and the latest one being thyroid gland got blotted. Not sure wat kinda cyst. But it will be ignored untill cny is over. Not to forget her kidney being weak, cholestrol issues, and other minor repetitive health matters.

I dun wanna fall as low as her. Im trying my very best to deal with it.
But the realy scary thing is to face the truth.
The eerie feeling of facing my dying dog is coming back to haunt me.
I remember vividly how i always wish to be away from home. Trying to escape reality that my dog is dying. Trying to ignore the fact so that i could cheat my mind that my baby is fine and so long im not facing it, i dont have to deal with the truth.

You have no idea how fucking painful for me to feed my baby medicine only to prolong his life. To apply medicine to his body of which is rottening and torning. To watch his pain and his difficult breathing. To see him suffering stroke and blindness. Unable to walk and urinate and eat and breathe. Always have to call walk in animal doctors cuz he was too big and too weak to travel in the car.
2 kind indian doctors came at least 5 times prior to his last day.

You had no idea. You had no freaking idea!
You had no idea how i wish to die making the decision to let him die peacefully with an injection.
I presume it was a letting go detaching him from misery. But perhaps i was just choosing not to face it anymore. I killed him. I could have wait for his nature calling but i chose to let him die.
You had no idea how awful i need to live on as a murderer to my baby whom i have love for 12 years.
Who was my life and my everything.
He was my love. Jcdagreat died the same day he died. I was never the same person i was.

Im not a good daughter.
I really am not.
I wish i dont have to deal with this alone. Yet again she has only me to depend on.
Im having a really sour shoulder.
I beg you please slightly uplift certain pain from me. Dont throw me so many hardship at one time.
I know you dont like me. But please just please ease it with your kindness. Please.

Elderly sickness and deterioration are inevitable.
But... you are not playing fair.
You are not fair to me.

Im raising my ignorance level.
Im really tired. For the longest time i dont feel

Walking dead. Haha...
Bear with me.
Those who care.
Please do care.

When i do reach for you.
Please know that i really couldnt help it anymore.
Thank you.

Happy Birthday Dr Chong.

Hi best boy buddy.
This is the 2nd consecutive year we celebrated your bday together.
Thanks for giving me your actual date for me.
With you i dont need to ask twice.
Sometimes i dont even need to ask.
That is my previlage of me to you.
For that im thankful.

Last year you help me gone through a lost of a friend, heartbreak and helped me cope not having gf around me for whole year long.
This year i expected similar fate and i wish you would always stand by me. Im not as strong as i used to be. And dammit you spoiled me cuz your shoulder to cry on is such a comfy place to be.

You always let me cry without seeing me do so.
I thk it happened a few time at K Room. 

We both yearn for the wrong people and they said broken souls are the kindest.

I wish you eternal happiness and wishes coming true soonest.
I hope you find one that is deserving of you.
One that sees you the way that i do.
One that knows how to love and be appreciative to your love, like yours to me.

I hope i will be able to meet that person too.

Looking forward to our achievement together.
Celebrating 11th year of frienships.

Thank you for coming back into my life.
You fight your way back into my world and im glad i didnt miss that opportunity to let you in.

I wish you love.

Be well.

Please know that you're worth it.

Dont give up!

Friday, 6 January 2017


Stop liking people's son and people's brother.
They are her's.

Stop it. Its not yours.

Stop creating misery to others.
Why do you have to make people choose between two things he cant choose?

Havent you learnt your lesson?
After all these years. Why are you still so dumb?!
I thought all these years you were just a bit slow and innocent.
Today i realised you are way dumber than how people see you.
Because even the retarded ones know not to touch the hot kettle twice.
Somehow you just love to submerge yourself into hot boiling water.
I cant believe you got to live up to this fruitful age of 28 plus, surviving and doing pretty fine.
People like you should be cheated, impregnant and abused.

I dont understand how your lady luck assisting you again and again and yet you dont know its presence.
Guess you are just that ignorant.
You and I dont deserve good.

I have made a few more decisions today.
I decided to be the ferryman (watch the movie @see you tomorow) and i shall be the one assisting you to the shore.
Decision you cant made, ill made for you.
Your well being is my concern.
Her well being was once my concern too.
But what has happened all year long got my heart really sore.

How immature all of us. We are rotating between these few characters.
The jealous one.
The wanted one.
The yearning one.
What the fuck is wrong?

Let me be the wise one.
Let me always be the kindest.
Let me let go.

The more i stay in this position the more i felt stupid and enough of me hitting new low.

Im done with this childish drama.

She can have her brother and son back.
I never intend to fight with her.
She was the one that i was glad having around then. I miss the period where we were all so carefree. No hard feeling. No extra feeling. No nothing.

Silly heart.
Because of your stupid decision and wanting causes so much of troubles.
Why wouldnt you listen to your mind?

Its not the 1st time you let go of something good.
Do the right thing.
The awkward and sour feeling will just be temporary.
You always wishes for goodness all around and everyone to be happy right?
Even if it means to be unhappy alone?
So what are you waiting anymore?

Help him help her help yourself.

You came later. In anyway, you should come second.
The world is always not fair.
Hasn't been fair either.

To her. Grow up. Be mature pls. Lower the possessiveness.

To him. Learn to manage priority. Do the right things. Make up your mind.

To you joanne. Be abit selfish. Be smarter to walk away sooner. And dont be the spoiler to people's friendship/relationship.

Together we are the best.
Its good to be home.
Cuz im yours again.

If you gotta choose between us and you cant make up your mind. Choose her. Always. For watever decision and  desire.

But you wont be getting the choice to choose anymore. Because i have chosen.

Take care both of you.
Today sucks.
And ill be more reserved.

I deserve better.
I love like a queen. Not a rat.
I felt like a rottan rat. Playing hide and seek.
The problem is we have nothing between us and yet
I still causing problem.
I guess my presense kills too.

Im done.