Thursday, 30 July 2015

Like the matching pieces of puzzle from another jigsaw set.

Like the matching heels of different colours

Like a pair of earrings with uneven length

Same mask wrong theme

Same wants different needs

Same thoughts uncertain desire

Same dreams not in sync

Same distance different route

Same destiny wrong decision

Lost star moon fades

Sad rains and angry storms

Blow the wind roar... shoot the thunder strike

Strike once to dear heart for knowing what it wants but not doing it right

Strike twice to mighty mind for thinking too much of consequence and harms

Strike thrice to pitiful soul who cant stop resonate and seek its calling.

Strike forth to harming attitude of which it exasperates by self control and self protection, assets to save guard all 3 gems above. Only to be blamed as the nonsense.
For each and every downfall.

No room to fail.
Too late to feel sorry.
No room for much negotiation
Too late to accept for the less
No way of embracing shortfalls
No way of taking the easy way out
No way of mistreating and harm my weaken desire
No way of betrayal
No way of further confusion.

This is what confusion feels like.
If this is what it means, then perhaps i should be on my own.
It this is what i received and accept, the worst is yet to come.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Jagged lil pill.


Im a insomniac again. Help me sleep.

Help me ease my mind.

Take them away. They dont belong here.

I need serenity. Eternally for eternity.


Agitation sucks.

Stop making me.

Help me understand.

Deadline is near.

Maybe then ill be fine.

Friday, 24 July 2015

Friday routine.

I have TGIF jugak ;3

Ive made my friday available weekly and i have got myself a fix partner. Something that ive enforced and was encouraged by your invitation and persistence. 

I think the best thing that has happen to me this year was knowing you. 
P/s last year was cjx.
I somehow have more happy days than the sorrowful ones. I laughed more and i have more things to look forward to. 

You have opened my eyes for certain things that ive often ignore and bring me to places i didnt get to visit before.

When you tell me that you are grateful on what i have done and is doing for you, the work stuff and knowledges... they are all part of my responsibility. What i am paid to do every month. However I am specifically bias to you cuz you are my reflection to my past. The hard working attitude and the passion to excel that you have shown excites me once more. It is inspiring. I see myself working before me.

At least i got to inspire and teach and be inspired too. Along the journey you teach me something special too. Maybe that is how friendship works. 

I wont always tell you about your value to me face to face. I wont always acknowledge the importance of someone's presence and spell my love out loud all the time. Not any more. Ego has a control over me. I believe action speaks more than words. 
I wish you to know that i cherish your presence. 

Knowing you is like finding a closure. 
To something i thought that i will never find solace again. 

I like how you remember certain details of me. Things that i have said. Does that matters? 
It does to me. Perhaps you are an observant boy. Perhaps you do care. Either way;

Thank you.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

My Happie Pills

I dont know how we came up with this weekly routine to meet up every Wednesday.
It is awkward and so random and we stick with it. Everyone put effort to maintain this gathering which is hard to get by. Unless anyone of us ffk (my special case) or engage with family affair (jo's paris tour), the gathering will proceed. 

We are serious crapper and Leo and Libra combination are the best match no doubt. 
They made me feel important. A group i belong where i dont have to be fine to be in it. I just have to be myself. 

U gals are my happie pills. Taken once a week for a more interesting life. 


One more week to my bday and ill be officially 27 years old. Funny how the closer im getting to the day the more reluctant i want to count the time.
My friends have spoiled me very badly over the years and each year i was prepared to expect something. Last year i have conducted a party for myself celebrating the starting of the 2nd half of my life. 

One year has passed and i dont see myself achieve any greater height except for personal friendship gain and some changes i made to my life style. A happier one perhaps.

I dont know what to expect this year as i wouldnt know if there is chances that any arrangement on my special day should or could top my previous few surprises and celebration. No one knows what i wanted more for myself. No one could give me what i most desired and dreamt of. 

However flowers and hearts are not bad for a start. 


Nway the ring has been taken off for a week. 
I have yet to get agitated without it. Maybe it is a good sign. Maybe not. I wish to get comfortable without it but my finger is missing its guide. 

Sometime if u wanted something so badly you must first believe it.
Then you are at least half way there in getting it.
I also believe the contradiction to this whereby if the something is meant to happen and is destined you shudnt have to work so bloody hard and risk everything to get it. You are either doing it wrong or that it is always the wrong aim. 

Im a little bit of both believer. I just dont know which i wanted to believe in more.

Tell me that what i thought and experiencing is true. 
Tell me that what i had in mind is not just purely my imagination.
Tell me that i am not wasting time and effort on the wrong one.

Do tell me.
And let me let go if i have always been wrong.


Penang trip soon. 
Happie :)

Friday, 17 July 2015

A house is not a home...

it is easy to see why

i dont believe owning your own space could define home.

A home could be a place, people or desire. It can be anything as long as you feel warm and secure when you are in it.
The feeling that you wont be having to worry when you are gonna leave or be left. 

Where is my home? I really wanna go home. 
Been lost too long. I seek for route to home.

My patient is wearing thin and im not convinced. 
I dont want to have to choose when i have already made my decision. 
But my decision got me holding my horse and uncertainty again hits in. 

Lets see how long i can survive without my independence rings. 17th July.

When dear heart decides, havoc rises because brain is full of worries and make a scene out of everything.
if brain takes over perhaps ill be more sorrowful but safe as ever. 

Monday, 13 July 2015

Speaking out loud.

Someone could be angry with you just like that.
Could it be just that simple?

What about the bff promises... THE-If-you-are-mad you-gotta-let-me-know-and-we-should-talk-about-it so-it-doesnt-hurt-us-in-the-long-run?

I guess im the only one who is applying the rule. I hate when one of the closest few bring back those bad memories of mine.

The loud talk, screams, anger and hatred. The ignorance, vengeful, sarcasm and pain. All of the above experiences were with loved ones. Some of that i couldnt escape when i was young and some i dont foresee coming. But it happened. They made me a smarter but a hurtful being of today. I dont like myself. I dont appreciate myself to the extend of not treating myself kindly with food health or love.

Certain important ppl easily trigger those feeling back and they sucks. I am very against the idea of being ignored and walked away from. These people are completely moron and hav no manner to begin with. What kind of issue that cant be solved? If kenot then find a proper way to deal with it.
I was told that i was entrusted. Was the closest. The kindest. All these impression you have in me were gone when u got mad at me? Didnt that appear in your head when you intentionally ignore me?

Sigh. I guess its good that i can see this clear now.

Jiayie is coming back on August. Gosh. Happiee...
A simple homecoming by my gal could enlightened me so much. The sense of appreciation that i was always the one she has in mind and the 1st to be informed made me a privilege friend. Time doesnt define friendship. Distance doesnt define friendship.
Similar values and mutual appreciation does.
Perhaps we might have less topic to chat about now but that doesnt mean i love u any less.

Many people gave up on me.
i too gave up on a lot of low value's friends and some one-way crushes.

They came into my life, brought to life n shone some light into my dark dark world.
Spring and summer came along as well as flowers and scents... pretty delicate petals and greens
Laughter and hearts filled up my time zone.

But none choose to stay. Away they took out the light and came autumn then winter.
To wipe away memories and doubts.
As if no one has ever set foot in.
Leaving just scars and memories.
Like the star hanging on the sky, so clear yet intangible, shining so ever brightly.
Like a distanced future. A failed dream. A broken hope.
As beautiful as it seen, it will only be a far fetched wish. A wish that will never come true.
Tears stream upon face washing away pain and sorrow.
Taking away passion and desire.
Down into the drain of reality.
Leaving an empty hole in the shallow body.

Until the circle continue again with the arrival of another shooting stars.
Until the day i no longer wish upon the star.
Until the day i wish no longer for a starry night.

Now i learn a new word. Haha... Platonic.
Y hadn't i come across the word much earlier?
Oh... does it matter?

Sunday, 12 July 2015


Dun be blue. Dun be sad.

Dun be mad. Dun self torture.

Talk to me.

Just talk to me. 

Every of my friend know that they can always look for me when they need someone to talk to. 

Those with better self control n self meditating is quite good on their own. They perhaps are the one i look for when it is my turn to be blue. 

My rule is simple. When i talk you gotta listen. Or i will never open it up again.

Regardless of whether if it's important or not, it matters cuz i dont always let it out. If i ever need to, i guess i am on the brink of explosion. If u choose to shut me out then i will know where i stand.

Sometimes i really have no idea how to solve certain issues. So ill just be the best consultant. Ask very selectively and listen a lot. 

I wish i could hug you off the mess. Off the burden and the sad soul. 
Cuz when im down all i ever needed was a broad shoulder and an embrace. I dont like to talk nor dwell into my problems. I want to take them off rather than reliving them. 

Maybe that is why i become touchy when i am close with someone.

I hope you are here for the right reason.
So it will all be worth it. 
So that i could do more. 
So that i wont be the fool again.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

11. 07 2015

Cousin dobi shop opening. 
3 Seeds Laundrette :)

Happie for u all dearest!

Baby blue. Don't be blue when you are with me. 

I keep giving you random names... perhaps im trying to find you a place in my dearest list. 

U have given me whole day. Minus 40 minutes phone talk though...

Terminator Genisys! 
Bloody bad ass movie. The best one after Terminator 2. 

Full circle!

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

If you dont know how to become a husband dont marry your wife.

If you dont know how to become a father dont fuck your wife.

If you dont know how to become a mother just abort the pregnancy.

If you dont know how to become a parent then dont act like you do.

How much you can hurt someone so deep and not feel remorse about it?

How could you do and say something so bad that you could hurt someone you love much as you clarify?

How much do you love a person if you could always repetitively hurt someone? I thought the fucking love means to protect ones from all harm and sadness.

How easy for you to hurt someone who cares for you?

You love your husband. You dont love me. Cuz if you do love me, he wouldnt be able to hurt you enough for you to hurt me.

You would have listen to me and not him.
You would have been protected.
You would have been happy.

You say you love me, would do anything for me but you lie. Cuz if you do, you would have fucking listen to me.

You would have know that when you make me cry i couldnt breathe. I suffocate. You never realize. Or you did but you dont care. You would know that smokes blocked my air passage and i already had a bad sinus problem and you still fucking smoke with a stupid reason that it could destress you after the fight.

You would know that i had a terrible day at office and has suffered pressure from all stuffs.

You would not bother me on my day out with girlfriends that i have been anticipating for a week.

You would not spoilt my day and risk me driving insanely agitated just to come home and see what u pathetic people are up to again this time around.

You say you love me but these are all you got me questioning. His words have such impact that all kind and good things i have ever done to you vanished within seconds.

I told you million of times before you do anything stupid or say anything crazy,  watch your mouth towards who you speak to. Do not hurt someone who care for you and love you.

You never listen. You never listen. You dont even listen to what you have said. You just spit them out and forget the world. You are selfish!!!

Now you left me hanging.

My dog doesnt wish to die. If only he could buy time he would wanna stay with me and love me unconditionally. One who cant speak and think could love me greatly while someone i spent my whole life fixing could hurt me time to time again.

You dont deserve me. You dont!
All of you. I have your genes. And you cant help to trigger your crazy genes in me.

It is so easy to say you love someone.
Very difficult to prove. Now i dont believe you.
Cuz this is not love.
Never is.
It was pure responsibility.
Im sorry that your life sucks.
I cant help you cuz mine is equally the same.
Perhaps worst. Thanks to you!

Saturday, 4 July 2015

3rd and 4th July 3015

Mom's bday and America Independence Day

With You. 

You have a way with me. 
Im buying it but yet to be completely sold. 
Im confused but convinced.

It was still a great day. 
Thank you.

Friday, 3 July 2015

If you feel empty and felt like being left alone and that he or she doesnt bother about you... perhaps you should start believing that he indeed dont care.

U meant nothing and you dont for one second think too much.

Whatever deeds he do or done intentionally or not is his own impression of what he needed to do for his own reason and not for you to over think anything further than what he has in mind.

No. Not true. You are not being wanted. You are just what he need. No. You are important only to his needs of extend. You cant full fill further unless requested. And for anything more and beyond you stand no chance.

This is what you make me feel.
Unwanted. Unnecessary. Unwell.
Undesirable. Undone. Unfathomable.

I guess im keeping my ego.
She is a bitch and she is mind.
At least i feel secure and unhurt when i have her.
I love u JC.