Monday, 26 October 2015

My new aim looks good in photo. And in person.
He is not handsome. But he has a charm to him. 
And is elder than me. Thank almighty whoever. 
I had my eyes lock in his for sometimes now. Really wish to know more about him. But he is no banana either. Sigh. Im not even close to him. Oh well. 
Shud i build my chances or wait for luck again? 
Wait. Am i thirsty now? Dry after 27 years? Hmmp
Not quite. Can wait awhile more? Ermmmm....
I guess! Yea... i guess i can. Good opportunity and distraction from my current heartache.

Why is getting a banana so darn difficult now?
Opposite attract?  No way. My 1st 3 main crushes were all Bananas. Or appear to be bananas. Haha. 
Have all of them go extinct now?

11 pm plus and im not sleeping. 
My gf ajak me chatting today and reminisced many good old memories and i realized i was in the ocean (during uni) and yet i couldnt catch a fish. She said i was always stuck to my activities and my groups. Perhaps. 
Anyway. Not important any more. Those who i thought potential candidates and had lil crush on end up really pathetic looking and god... am i lucky to escape that. Ok that bitch mouth. (Double slap!!)

But who am i to judge right? Cuz im getting better looking myself? (Triple slap bitch!)... i somehow function late abit...people looks great n youthful in their 18 or 22 years old. But i became somebody only when i hit 26 yrs old esp when i chop off my great length of hairs. That kinda mother fucker heart ache can only be compared to the heartache i felt after my bday celebration. The feeling of losing bit by bit of my passion and dreams. 

I realized some of my dreams aren't tailored made for my life and i dont have enough fabulous genes to carry the big hat over my head. N i have an infinite undefinable link to pigs family. So instead of choosing to work my ass off towards my bigger than life dreams, i choose to let go. If given me another chance will i still let go... perhaps yes. Unless you give me another family or another life and another pathway in my journey, then perhaps ill act differently. If not do not assume i did not make the best out of the chances i have. You have zero idea about me. Yes for regrets and lack of passion as main contributor. 

Hmmp... wer am i going with the story now.
You know what i suddenly have an urge to take up master in English literature. I could have choose this over bio last time. But my course give me the best memories in uni. So no. Maybe now!!!

If education is free, ill be the sole artist who die die try master all the art courses in the world. Anything you could think of. Start with perhaps fashion design school, indian traditional dance and voice as main instrument. Ha ha ha

I need a brand new distraction.
I wanna fall in love. A love so pure that i could free falling without fearing harm and pain. Will this Christmas makes a miracle? 

I wish for a forever. Even if forever only last in some memories. Bring me back to life. Will ya?

Perhaps i need to change job instead. 
Lolz. Not funny. :(


Saturday, 24 October 2015

Farewell loved ones.

Saying good bye is not my greatest strength.
Never is.

Without fail. Ill cry.
Call me selfish. I want everyone that i love to be near me. Even if i dont see anyone of them, i wish them to be near and reachable vice versa.

The worst one that hit me was my dearest wong choi's departure. One goodbye i will not forgive myself for. Forever.

I know all these are temporary but i cant help being emotional. Since ah lek came back from sabah we have been inseparable. We have gone through each other's worst time and best ones. She kept me occupied when one by one of my closest leave me.
Im happy for her to be able to venture out and experience the world on her own. Something i have yet able to try. I hate to see you leaving cuz i dislike missing you. You know i need my gf right? Now who is going to listen to my new crush dilemmas and my new bitchiness attempt? Who is going to give my mom free medical advise ? :(

I know its coming but i didnt wish to face this till the very last day. She is flying on sunday morning.

After ah lek, my best uni mates kheng and fang fang are also leaving for working holiday at NZ coming Nov end. God. That will be painful. It will take them 1 year's tenure to come back. And if they like it there... they could n would find a reason to stay. Haha... i know u girls too well.

My heart is aching so badly. Nobody know it but me. Dammit that song!.

After that Kimyang will leave me as well to Sarawak to join ah lek, possibly b4 December.
Omg. Yokepoh n her husband too. :'(

One leave and then one replace... its like a circle of friendship. After jiayie and eewen left and went to SG and setiawan, i have them to soothe my need of companionship. Now Ill be alone again. :(

Perhaps all these goodbyes are necessary for one to shape a weak girl like me. I need a heart of steel. Cage that lil useless bitch into a treasure box. Bury it deep down cuz i dont wanna see her sobbing and thinking that she is no longer loved. Cuz i know that she is not.

Im definitely missed. As much as you are.

Absence is a tool to test a relationship. It either grows or wilts. Ill wait u guys home. :')

Or ill go visit you guys if i couldnt tolerate missing u all. Now i have a perfect reason to plan vacation. Far far vacation.

I sucks in goodbye. Im not even sure if i can send you guys flight. I cant waive goodbye knowing well that i can only see you much later and there is nothing i can do about it.

I guess waving goodbye to crushes is much easier.  So much easier. Cuz i have a reason to let go. Many valid one.

Excuse my emotional disturbance for a moment.


i need a new adjustment. Meanwhile ignore my
my needs for comfort and manjaness.

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Only banana can understand another banana.

The way we talk somehow make more sense to each other.

We dont got to step on each other tails cuz we know what will sound wrong to another people's ear.

Our interpretation and expression of a feeling and motion definitely gone through several layers of filtration so they soothe all kind of communication with all kind of others.

Thus our sensitivity level are quite high cuz we tend to pick up feeling in wordings and conversation as a whole. And if you dont mind your words, you may easily hurt us. Okay perhaps its just me. Coincidently me happened to be a banana.

My adjustment to environment is high and strong.
I managed to mingle with non banana and become one as them as a team. On and off some will step on my tail and ill forgive them.

But things might not be as what we have plan.
I wonder what im talking about. Dammit....


wai ho weng yuen fong bat dai
wai ho chor ngoi zeh yat wai

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Dont make me say sorry if im not wrong.

My apology is expensive.

I used to be someone who will argue till the end even if my tear pores never strong enough as my head.

But as i aged, i find it ridiculous to argue with zero sense human. Waste of energy. Waste of breathe. Waste of time. Seriously. You can proved them wrong with evidences yet they still think you are wrong. Its your problem. It is you who dont understand. Its you. Me. Yes. Me.

So i swallow my pride and my ego and spit out an apology despite it being not my wrong. As long as everyone is happy and i can end a stupid nonsense argument.

I will remember every single sorry that i have said which im wronged. Whoever and whenever.

I cant handle rude, stupid, lazy and unappreciative people. Cuz stupid people are just too rude and lazy to learn how to appreciate what others have done good for them.

Im really tired. Im keeping up with the world ignorance and its cruelty. Yet its not enough. And these all have to come from you.

Your my sweetest mistake.
One too sweet to be bargain with.
Im sorry.
im sorry.
Im sorry.

One more counting yes, im crazy.
Just one more time then Im done.


Sunday, 18 October 2015

17th of Oct 2015. A wonderful day

It started off with a break on friday. Ive taken a day off on friday knowing i wont be able to enjoy the weekend doing nothing. The usual wednesdate was switched to fridate for the bday purpose. 

Jo made a bday blurberries cheesecake for ahlek and we celebrated at her house before going for dinner. And of course we often moved on to 2nd round and somehow we end up loving coffee and dreams. Both the crazy girls were their usual self... well as crazy as ever. I like my girl loving my gift. She use the doraemon pouch i gave her and it was really a pretty sight. 

We played till 12.30am and i reached home around 1am. I slept well late and knowing tomorow morning will be hell cuz i wouldnt be able to wake up not grumpy. But the adrenaline rush got me going. Ok. 1st wake up bath and get dressed. 
Then make up and be normal pretty. Not pretty pretty cuz i cant outshine the bride. 
Then wait ahlek to fetch me to join the jimui mission and be barriers to the bridegroom n hengdai to crush in. Fun games.

As tired as i was, i looked forward to the wedding dinner cuz it will be u65 gathering as well. 
Familiar faces, so loving so comfortable so soothing. The dinner was wonderful with them as companion. Most importantly, its yokepoh next journey in life; marriage with dearest husband. 
I called them the shy couple. Very sweet together. 

I remembered i ask poh poh once on why he would accept her bf then. She is always the sweet shy girl and smart for sure. And why among all, she chose him. 

She told me that he was persistence. 
He didnt give up. 
You go boy! 
A gene i look for in a man as well.
Cuz i cant help being difficult. Im born difficult. Complicated. Thus if i dont see that in you. You wont withstand me.

The night continue after we waved goodbye to the dinner mate n the couple. Somehow all of us were reluctant to leave. Dunno y.... oh by the way... the invited band i thk was named as the retro king was so entertaining. The main vocalist god dammit given wonderful vocal! Holly crap!

We celebrated one more round of bday celebration for ah lek at I-delicious. We cant choose coffee house cuz we are always too loud and we cant be chased away. 

I miss you all already.


Thursday, 15 October 2015

How could an angel break my heart - Toni Braxton

I heard he sang a lullaby
I heard he sang it from his heart
When I found out thought I would die
Because that lullaby was mine
I heard he sealed it with a kiss
He gently kissed her cherry lips
I found that so hard to believe
Because his kiss belonged to me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling star?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

I heard her face was white as rain
Soft as a rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name
I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesn't make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling star?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

Oh, my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling star?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?


Read the sign Joanne. 
The very sign ur 1st crush taught you. 
Havent you learned anything since then. 
They are not stupid. 
You are the one being stupid and
be ignorance of it. 

The signal is clear. Crystal clear.
Wishes well and move on.
Dont spoil a good friendship.
Dont pick up rotten wave length any more.
10 years since your 1st love and yet you are too dumb to understand?

Im proud of how strong you have hold on to yourself so long. Why didnt you see it? And giving in and giving up now is so shamefully wrong. What are you thinking?

Listen to the brain. The heart is the most hollow n shallow zero intellectual bitch i have ever known in you. One month delay of what seem promised didnt come true cuz you have yet to acknowledge the signal.


Lock it up and bury it for real.
Let it be.
You will be normal again.
Till the next butterfly come.
I got a feeling it will comes soon.
Cuz i see it flying by always.

How could you break an angel's heart?

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

That dim light, it comes again.

Signalling a way out perhaps.

Maybe it could be it. This time it must be it.

No wait! Can it be another fake sign?

Just like every other one that i have encountered

Sometimes i couldnt tell reality from dreams.
No. This time it feels real. 

They are almost the same... i can no longer tell.

i hesitated so i walk very slowly.
Part of me is dying to know and discover it and wishing i could run as fast as i could to it. 

Part of me is holding back. I wish i could go paralyse now...
'Dont go' says the heart.
'Pls dont... i cant take it no more... for every misery and heartache you caused me, it takes years out of me. Im bruised scarred and bloodied.'

I paused again. Digesting the warnings. Yet my body lurch towards the light.

Closer. Closer... steps getting heavier. I wonder why. Light getting dimmer. As if haze has set in or as though i have walked into a tunnel or something.
Speed it. It is warning me now. Am i losing it?

I shivered... what caused this breeze? Im in the middle of the maze with no ending sign. 

How come there is no ending towards the light?
The route seems too long. For each step i take, the light gets further. 
Pls dont go away. I cant chase you any longer. 
Im weary and fragile. 

For every new step towards it i am met with new cuts. Pain. Tormented. I have low tolerance towards pain. But for you.... i embrace the beauty of pain.

The light gets brighter finally. It must be the welcoming sign of its embrace. Yes. This could be the end of my searching. 

I picked up pace. I run and run and feeling very close to the end of this. Just when i am to reach, the light shines its brightest and it goes pitch black. 

I feel blinded and horror set in.
What has happen?
i try to pick up the lightest sound...
No. Nothing.
Haunting silence.

This must be a trap...
help me help me....
Answer me... 

Y lead me here... yet another sorrowful ending
I was just getting used to my familiar ground,
The last i got tangled.
I was just adjusting...
Sense of betrayal, bitterness and shame sets in...

I cant feel anything except for the cold ground and its gravity which is the only thing that hold me firmly.

there is nothing here... 
I scream and shout...
wishing so hard i could be less stupid

let me out. Let me go

what do you want from me?
i fall flat on the ground sobbing as hard as possible
from every ounce of energy i still have

i can hardly breathe...
this must be just a dream...
it must be it.
for if it is not a happie ending...
it is not the end...
and reality dont end unless u give in.

pls wake up
pls wake up
i cant go on with this anymore...

just yet another dream...
its okay...
its okay...

let me let go

The demon eyes....


Dreams were used to be beautiful, hopeful and encouraging.
As i grow up, waking up to beautiful dreams made me sad cuz they are never being materialized. They are hardly come by too.

Nightmare creeps in and memories washed over unrestricted cuz i wouldnt let them come over when i am conscious.

Not being able to control scares me.
Cuz i dont know how to recover.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Ive taken the bait and now im hooked for all wrong reason.
Sometimes some view are best enjoy from a distance.
You dont always have to be part of it.

Cuz u might either ruin its beauty.
Or you may end up hating it once it strays too far from your expectation.

Fickle hearts.
Red buttons.
Complicating distracting misleading and irritating
issue and human.

Fuck you!

I'm hurt. Seriously. It felt like a slap on my face.
The moment you start shooting me with your inconsiderable words i knew there is no way you will try to understand where i was coming from.
I did what i do best. Shut up and apologies. Cuz in matter of factly,  it was my message that prompt you scolding me. So im sorry for triggering you to slap me in the face literary.

I understand the fact that you may never understand why is replying any simple message is important. In any way it is rude to the ignored. If you dont do that to your customer why you do that to a friend?

Stupid me 1st to think that maybe we are more than friends. So i end up caring you more and wanting to know your well being especially when you told me the down turn of your emotion.

Stupid me 2 to even bother telling you again and again about me having issue with people who dont reply. Again because i thought we were friends and friends have certain standard of preferences in whatever things concern. Obviously i thought wrong again. You have no idea what does it feels like to talk to a wall. My way of telling you this morning has angst but i tried my very best in any way not to make it a fuss but it exploded your moodiness.

Bcuz no emoticon? Because no lol or haha or any indication to hide that i was bothered but not willing to show so that we could avoid the drama we have? For the 2nd time over text messages!!!??? Apparently also due to my reply and my choices of word that bothers you.

So stupid me 3 of not being able to tell your impossible mood swing at any time. Cuz the same phrase of word has different meaning when you are in different mood. The last time i asked you to sleep back when u were chatting me up, u were mad at me for 3 days and you did not tell me about it until i confronted you. But many other time i asked you to sleep back, u would send me smiley faces or and ok. If ignorance doesnt mean anything why would u thought i was mad at you when i didnt reply ur message soon enough at times?

Stupid me 4 of failing to understand that your insensitivity towards my sensitivity is actually my fault. And perhaps vise versa. Apparently if someone wish to know you and care of you, you only need to tell once or they just manage to observe. And if you arent important, no matter how many times you highlight an issue it still wont be a matter to them. 1stly it isnt their problem. 2ndly they dont think it is a problem. 3rdly they hav more bigger problems than this. Yes! Thus, Its really not a problem! Its really not.

Cuz stupid me 5. I thought i was prioritized. So i was the problem. I happen to spoil one person mood whole day just because i wanted a reply. U feel bad when someone ignored you in person but you dont think people will feel ignored if you happen to intentionally not reply one in text? Cuz the blue ticks supposed to indicate that my messages were seen. I was supposed not to expect a reply after that. I was supposed not to wonder if you will get me or busy or still moody cuz it was seriously not an issue and i shouldnt care about it at all.

I thought it was a nice gesture to seal a conversation. I thought wrong. I cant apply the same rules or thinking to all people. I understand my difficulty. I just learned that seeking a reply implying a nice gesture or appreciation is a ridiculous wanting. Problem seeker.

Im not perfect in anyway as a human. But i set priority. The moment i thk i was second choiced or unappreciated, i feel devastated. You continue to make me question myself. Am i being too needy? Was i asking a lot? I thought im being a very decent person to everyone in many many ways. Matter of factly i still failed!

Maybe i expected much from you. Asking too much from you. Wanting too much from you. Something you dont buy as important that i must exaggerate it as a fucking issue and spoilt your day.

My bad. Thus, my sincere apology to you.
There will be no next time. I never make a same mistake twice except for liking the wrong person.
We will remain as best working partner.
And i should expect nothing more than that.
Work is work! No more personal feeling.

Your outspoken and straight forward respond is actually a good sign. A wake up call so i dont need to day dream and be confused with our somewhat platonic relationship. We should just stay professional so that i know how to respect your personal time and your rights and your rules.
And to expect your gentlemanly towards me.
I dont like to be scold if im not wrong. I specifically dislike when all i wanted was the best to everyone and all i get was a piece of shit, scolded and tears.

I will no longer seek your understanding about my perception and it should not bother me at all.
It is always me and my head and my sensitivity that cause drama.

I will not even explain or clarify anything any longer. If you get me you will. If you dont, you may think whatever you want. I no longer interested to express myself any more. Unworthy. I dont worth your understanding. I dont worth it. And for your needs, i have advised enough.

Im so tired. A simple demand of reply and a scold and a post of stupid lengthy essay. I thk i have always been uncertain on a lot of confusion between us that i dont wish to confront. Every time ill be the one who need to find a reason to walk out of a crush. I guess i just found it kot. Less fuss when u expect less or none. Ill miss you and us. Lets just be normal. Okay? I appreciate all the nice things u have done for me. I dont know what we are but was taken as a pair by outsiders. The uncertainty makes me stay loyal for no reason.
Deep down i know the answer but i didnt wish to confront. Uncertainty continues to harm my ego and shamed me.

Deep down i was hurt not because you didnt reply me. It was your respond to me thinking that i attacked you, stressed you up that made me feel really bad.
Perhaps u want to make me feel what i accidentally made u feel. So u revenged. This is really cruel. Do i deserve this kinda revenge?

A woman is much valued if she is loved. Certainly this is not the case.

Its like only depressed ppl surrounds me.
Good article i read. I have tried my level best to really understand from your point of view. But i have again stressed on my limits. Which again is simple but unnecessary and irritating. For this my last apology. I hope you find your way out from the maze of your depression.

It takes me back to the relationship my bro n i had. Im only important when im needed. No sense of respect to my messages. If im lucky i will get an ok text. Whatever i say is nonsense. Especially when he decided not to talk to my mom. The moment he leave the burden and walked out of her life i lost him forever. Cuz i can never love him any more. So i decided to give up on him. I cannot take this torture. The conversation we had was either things that he need, things my mom want me to remind him and things i need to tell.

I dont know how to love him any more.
I just dont know how. I cant forgive him.
All i can do is wish him all the luck in the world. Him being happie in his future. And forget the past. And live well by himself. Ill take care of his burden while he need to find his own loving outside. When the burden no longer here, he wont be seeing my face ever again too.


Sunday, 4 October 2015

PBB 49th Annual Dinner 2015

Ive decided to self makeup again this year for the annual dinner. 
I dont have some fancy skill to transform my face into a beauty queen look but i guess i managed a quite presentable one. Knowing that my make up always dont last a night, i must get a nice photo before the paint wears off. 

This year i have expectations. I didnt want to perform this year cuz i only wish to enjoy the night. Eat and chat without pressure. It has become a routine or a pattern whereby i perform in alternate year. Last year was hectic and nervous and everything was not comfortable until the song was done. 

Me n my gf decided to stay in the hotel this year. 
Wise choice. I always enjoy staying in the hotel despite my horror over free spirits. I like the silence staying alone in a confine space just for myself. And well Rm 267 for 5 stars hotel is just way cool. 

The boy dressed super handsome. Perfect combination of attire and everything oozes charm. 
Something i supposed he is aware of. We sat with my favourite people in the branch. 

Food was okay. Performances were fine. As usual, familiar staff's talents. Cant expect superb singing and perfect band or surprising magic show right? It was the people i miss and matters that brings the night to life. I managed to talk and take photo with my ex BM and ex BizM. Both of them looked great and i miss their presence. 

I thought the night should last longer. The dinner finished at 11pm. I was a bit exhausted but i do wish to go out and see Melaka night life. Too bad the rest of the team is either tired or wish to play themselves. Thus i end up in my room comfortable but longing. Im ageing kot. When i was 23, sleeping in hotel when im out from seremban at 12am is just ridiculous.  

I have a very cute gift from him. Somebody enjoy himself walking along jonker street night market on friday and bumped to something yellow and thought of me. Thanks. 

A great night. The day after of course is shopping time. Melaka is really not bad for shopping around. I think i found myself a spot to spend money in coming year end. 


I realized i left my scarf at the ballroom. Yesterday night was not cold so i place it on the chair and i left with many distraction and anticipation. :(

It was my 1st valued scarf and it has been with me since 3rd year in ukm. Since i fear cold, a scarf is always my saviour. It has been with me for a good long and valued time. I tried call in to Hatten already. I supposed someone collected and keep it or thrown dy... so sad :'(

I dislike it when im being questioned. Multiple times. And specifically when i have no answer for. Im sick and tired of guessing. Enlighten me pls. 

The value of distance. 

Especially after the talk i had with KC on the way back to Seremban, i understand the value that i deserve. 

I love them for being accommodative to me the whole trip and their understanding too. 
Thanks guys.

More photo @ FB

Thursday, 1 October 2015

N I thought ill be miserable if people assuming it wrong.
Apparently i am miserable too when people can see through it.
It has become clear to them but yet on me. Its still hazy and i thought i have decided to move on.

I was hinted that you like someone. Or liken.

Im feeling heaty now. Feel like feverish.


Im that kind of person who try not to make mistake. Whatever i do i do on my best kindest level. If you take it wrongly and my apology is necessary, i will say it for the sake of what i think worthy.

My apology has a value beyond compare and it takes part of my ego away. Im not sorry for what i have done but im sorry you dont appreciate me as a whole. Those who know me know that my level of accommodation is super high. Yet i miscalculate my weight on wordings. Thank you for educating me that there is another extreme level of sensitivity exists.

A past i mistakenly recall again due to the day's agenda.