Saturday, 28 December 2013

I used to be very eager to participate in a gathering. I am picky toward whose gathering to go to but I never say no to those few groups which include U65, NTLP, Bio girls & PT dancer's. I'm a regular.

It seems I managed to decline all their offers this year. Sigh. Latest being tonight's. 
I had a karaoke season with one of the U65's gf. 
Our first duo K date. It's comfortable & voice was at its best. 
Duo date to gathering, another gf whom cannot join us in karaoke initiated a yamcha gathering instead.
I for the 1st time hesitated. I don't wish to go. I'm dying to see those faces again but not now & definitely not like this. 
It's awkward when everyone shares update & most awkward when people ask about my current being. 
Friends who care enough will definitely avoid question like this. I really want such comfort from them but at the same time I want to avoid. The only answer I might throw out could be simply as Don't You Already Know? No? Then You might As Well Don't Ask No More. 

I'm not looking forward to share my recent updates & I'm not ready to take in much information about others yet. I might really enjoy the gathering but I can't guarantee of not being restless & moody. 
If I have to be on guard to how I behave even in front of my closest friends, than I think I better give it a pass. 

The new year date with Kheng & Fang also not finalize thanks to my uncertainty. 
I wanted to say no but I really want them to be with me in welcoming 2014.

Pls help me! Fix me! Guide me! How do I come out of this mess?!

I realized that people come to me when they have unsolved matter & sadness. Or that I will go to them.
I on the other hand often wish people will offer me comfort by figuring out that I'm in trouble. 
I'm not sure why I behave the way I did. Maybe because I couldn't figure who could be the one who really stand by me in time of needs & who would be willing to listen & save me. Ego matter maybe.

Attitude problem at its worst. lol. There is no cure for this sickness. Just let me die with it. 

Saturday, 21 December 2013

I have a lot of thoughts. These unsaid words are yearning to be unleashed but find no attention. 
I was trying my best not to think, relax & really shut down communication as it further excite my creativity of phrasing thoughts. 

My mind sometimes will act on its own against my will. It seems to have malfunctioned or that it has its own life whereby it speaks for itself, generating ideas & phrasing thoughts. Most of the time those stuff are really brilliant but depressing. 

Tonight it found a channel & it found its listener. 

Today is the last prayer prior to my grandpa 100th day after his passing. 
3 months & counting. The family, 30 of us (representative of each son & daughters) went to Nirvana Memorial @ Semenyih to complete the service. I being a free thinker questions stuffs, I left them unheard. Not necessary. I do whatever I could to make everyone feel comfortable. It's not wrong. Anything that could possibly be done to make my grandpa feel at ease I would.

I guess it was period, I blamed it on period. 
I was very emotional these few days. Yesterday was unbearable. 
Since my dog passed away, I tried to stay focus & alert most of the time cuz I don't wanna let the the hollowness get the better of me. 
Sometimes I just couldn't. I would cry in complete silence. I wish I could just bawl out. These tears seek no comfort thus, nobody should see them. I was hugging my pillow while sleeping last night, I suddenly missed hugging my dog having his head rest on my chest. He would rest & let me hold him until he got restless. 
 I am trying my level best to find peace. I don't know how to deal with it. 
There must be a way! I wish there is an easier way. Nobody should ever feel this pain of loss. I can't move on like this as I couldn't emotionally attach to anyone this close anymore. 

To spell out every detail of the hell I've been through these few months are just too much for me to share.
Overwhelmingly hard. I tried, some volunteered, some shut me down completely. 
Ignorance is bliss. Some practices that.
I am exceptionally grateful to those I've found comfort with be it intentionally initiated myself or completely genuine offers from others. Having said that, I am also very disappointed for only in time of needs we can see who would or wouldn't be there for you. I'm sad that one of them is you. You chose to shut me out completely. Why only now? But thank you cuz I already knew why.


The Penang trip was meant as an escape. A freedom granted by my baby, I left with no longing, utterly ignoring all things & head to Penang; To find comfort.
Purposely arranged a lonesome one day stay by the beach but I somehow give in to my gfs company. I need them around. Believe it or not, I hate myself crying. I will try my possible best not to cry & having a company will help. I knew Siew Win was expecting me to share out as she already knew what has happened. 
We shared deep thoughts & secrets which reminds me her importance to me. 

I sat at my hotel balcony which faced partial sea view at about 11.30pm. Finally some stars after a short drizzle rain. I was reminded that my dog has already left me for a whole complete month. 13/11/2013 - 13/12/2013. How organized things came out naturally when you least or no plan for it at all. 
I made wishes, I called his name by heart, I cried for a good 30 minutes whiles texting Yonlek who thankfully has been with me & endure for the past 1 month. Siew Win being smart & understanding gave me room to cry cuz she knew if she came to me, I wouldn't be able to release it all. She knew me too well. Not to forget Hooi Ling & Joanne Tan. They kept my sanity in check for a good 4 days.

Tomorrow should be a happy day. It was a day I anticipated & I was the 1st to say yes for another Xmas gathering for PT dancer group prior to my dog's death.
I officially declined it yesterday to many's surprise. Well, they shouldn't be. 
After much thought, I really think I should stay off from this gathering. I'm not sure if it was for their benefit or that I'm just completely selfish. A gathering of new updates, joy & love. What I have now is just complete sorrow & death news. How do I update them? To keep silence? To tell out & cast an awkward spell during Xmas spirit? I couldn't. I wouldn't. I love them too much to do so. I know I might have think too much but as much as it is against my will, I choose to absence from this gathering. If you can't understand this, then you may continue not to.

Perhaps, I'm not ready to face attention just yet. I'm not ready to forget & forgive, most definitely not ready to let go. 
2 weeks to go to year 2014. I only wish to stay calm & problem free. I don't think I can take in another blow, at least not in this year anymore. 
Year 2013 had me near brink of suicidal. 3 lost. Too much a heartbreak. I won't miss you one bit.