Saturday, 25 March 2017

I hope one day if u open my page here and realized how much ive have tried.
But in tired.

I kinda foresee the fragment of our future and how unfortunate it will be.
I hope it will not happen that way.
Because if it does. It will break my heart to not choose you cuz ive done giving you chances and excuses.

I might regret it if i choose to do so.
I might regret it all time.
It is very difficult for me to detach but if im capable to saying no to you. It means i have chosen someone else who respect my worth more.
Who doesnt make me question us.
Who doesnt deny me.
Who doesnt choose otherwise.

I cant possibly hurt someone who put me as priority right?

But hey. I guess im overthink anyway.
You are much wiser.

Some silly lady luck.
Its funny how my mouth or mind have some magic spell.
Whenever i want something. It will happen.
And i was kept distracted lately.
I hope they are all good people.
I dont yearn for anything seriously.

I just wanna know more people.
See more things.
Be more open minded.
Be positive.
Be stress free.

Family issues they are ever revolving.
Mine, they are under control. For now.
But they are land mines. You never know when or what will they be triggered.

But theirs, i seriously cant cope and they have to come to me.
Why me? Easier to be bullied?
It is a curse i believe. Some curse it last for few generations. Some skips generation.
Worry not. All will end in this with my generation.

Broken genes shall not be passed down.
The world doesnt need another Joanne or any Chai's passing down.

Im scared.
I kinda know what i should do but im not strong.
Im not built with armour and im no hero.
Im kind. Stupid kinda kind. I can be selfless so bad it will scares you. But i cant. At least for this time i cant. Im sorry i cant.

It is not my responsibility to bear and it shall not be.
Dont put the pressure on me.
I had enough of them from my own source of genes.
I dont need it from others.

I got a life to live.
Dont force me back to the place i tried so hard moving on.

I would reach out for u if i can.
But i have limit.
If you have mind. You will understand.
But i never really care how other perceive me.
The one who cares will know.
Those who cant doesnt matter i guess.

Im sorry.

Saturday, 4 March 2017

Kindness. Not something people use on me except for the closest ones.

Am I? 

I think i was betrayed by a good friend who really cares of me.
I will never confine in her again.
Cuz she has broken my trust.
I wonder if she did the same the previous time.
And the said person took her advise.
And i wonder if that is the outcome of today.
To my benefit or not i dont think ill ever find out.
Cuz if that didnt happened. I wouldnt have know you today. 

But ultimately i know she really cares of me.
Im touched but mad at the same time.
My affections are publicly displayed while hers are mostly untangible. But i felt them. So thank you dearest.  

But if he reads me here. The story would be almost the same.
But by reading me details are more accurate i guess.
At least on the date. On the genuine heartfelt unhidden. Unafraid to be expressed.
Remember that by the virtue of conversation, we are often challenged by ego and shame. Thus there will always be variance or facts unspoken.
Im glad by the nature of a man or just him who cares, clarification was done.

Am i hurting? 
Am i suffering? 
Yes. If i continue to expect something being denied for countless time.

Hence the 4th round of long talk.
An assurance to him that im okay.
And we are okay :)
Talking to him makes me understand things about me.
Its like while you are learning about another person, you discover part of yourself that you never knew.
When you talk without much hesitation and judgement... you know you are talking truth rather than talking nice.

If my friends knew this. They will definitely said that this is absolutely stupid and lebih.
X suka dont waste time. Why continue to talk so much?

There are more than just that. Perhaps im just stupid. But i care. Friends 1st above all others.
We were good friends above anything else.
So i have fallen for a good friend?
Awh... cheesy typical stupid gal.

Why do i always feel like im confessing?

The 1st was when i was told that i misunderstood a fact from him. I called him a cheater. He denied it. That night all hell break lose. The night on my senior's wedding. It was a pretty bad weeks i must say.

2nd was when?? I cant recall the exact date. But i thk somewhere in the blog i have it written. Hahah...
Oh yea. It was about his bestfriend and how i manage to be normal against the taboos. Now i show you how.

3rd is definitely after vday 2017. I tried holding back by avoid talking and texting. One sided and it turns out i was mostly revenging. Lol...

Why do i say it as confession.... in all 3 uneventful situations, we both confesses liking.

But it wasnt enough for him to proceed while i couldnt bring myself to force him to.

He couldnt let go while i havent.

The final time i asked him to hold the affection to allow me to back off slowly.
That hurts me. That was pain.
Wanting the whole thing to stop while i never wish to.

I got so used to it and i expected conversation every night. Sometimes i forget my place and i yearn a little bit more. And every expectation comes with a blow of failure. That is the thing i wish to abandone.

And as he knew, i often keep things inside my heart with all the unvoiced dissatisfactions.
But we came clean about this cuz he has a way of making me talk. All the freaking time. That was the 3rd round of talking it over. I remember i told myself not to allow myself going through it for the 3rd time. Im scare that it will be the final chance that i will ever give to him.

And this time my feeling were truly heard.

I want you to be happy.
I want us to be happy.
So i choose a way we both can live.
You are allowed freedom to do anything you want and i can reaccess my my position. Our position.

So that i can take back my loyalty and my unkept freedom to allow more opportunity to come my way.

Dont worry about me.
I just need a new distraction.

If you come to your senses after i manage to let go completely, pls try harded to convince me. Because when a leo gives up, we dont turn back around.
I hope this trial time makes us see things clearer.

You're a good person.
Im sorry if i cause you sadness and
Troubles. Discomfort and heartache.
I think i have caused enough troubles.
Alot of mixed emotion. And unnessary people get entangled when it has nothing to do with them. Especially your goddamnsister.

When i 1st met you.
It never cross my mind that we would end up like this. Complicatedly uplifting and dramatic.
You were the closest thing that bring me joy and happiness to a so called relationship. Perhaps a half hearted one. Thus its complicated.
Someone who is unafraid to confess but couldnt make me as the priority any time for now.

I dont blame you.
I admit that im difficult to love.
Im beginning to feel so tired of being me.
Too man as a lady. Too independent.
Too level headed yet emotional.
So close yet so far.

If you read me.
Please know that from the bottom of my heart that im thankful for you. I wont tell you in person.
But if you ever find yourself here. Pls know that.
Every person brings a story to our life chapters.
You hold a specific chapter of which im not sure if i wish to revisit.
But it was a good one.

I wish that i could be brave enough and accept offers and meeting new people.
I find it difficult to open up to new people.
Only to have them tear me apart while knowing that they will keep a secret between us i can not retrive back.

I could be as good as paradise but if im not the chosen one. All good doesnt matter anymore.
You choose a forever over certainty.
I choose certainty over a forever.
Forever is overrated. Nothing is.
Even metal rust n raptured.
All atomic bonding eventually breaks.

The ride will be smoother soon. I assured you.
Now focus on your career.
Both long and short.

Both yin and yang.
Both fallen victims.

Gosh im so poetic my words have double meaning only i myself understand hahahaha.....

Be happy, for me.
Please. At least until im occupied again. Till then,
Your happinesss is relevant/parallel to my emotion.
I wish us well.

Goodnight to you.

Tonight is another night we go through without our goodnites. Those were the nights i would wait and wonder why you never nudge. A consistant affection you said came naturally. But why would you leave me hanging for a night while knowing that i will wait for u? You actually can go through a night not giving a damn about me. Or perhaps you are expecting me in return?

Are you okay?
Are you not happy?
Shall i wait?
Shall i text 1st?
Is he busy?
Is he holding back?

You know, the typical gal thoughts.
You see.... these lil expectations are things that sufficate me.
We are in an unclear state of mine doing things as if we are an item. Then some nights it hits us wondering if we should continue doing this....

But tonight and future nights when it happens, i would know that it was for our deal to hold back a little as per my request. Rather than wondering why you are not visiting me, i have an answer to your absence. Non work related pls.

For my accessment. For me to stop expecting so that i could be better in time.
Time for you to clear your mind and know what you really want. If you want this to work. You need to show me.

And for me to step back and see if this is what i want despite the overflown emotion i thought was certain. Cuz im not longer certain.
Im ready to detach.

I like your attention. But do it because you wish to. Not because due to all other reason.

Lets see what this will bring.

When words fails..
They got it conveyed.