Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Ways to cure my emoness.
Do random things to make people happy.
If the people i care of are happy then ill be happy too.

It was randomness that caught people offguard and give the best surprise. I didnt meant to make a huge agenda. I just wish to share things i found nice to my colleague esp those few i love to be with. One of them will be leaving soon, promoted as officer at KL.

I found the news very disturbing and its too unfair. Too short notice. This is pbb protocol. Not something  that i can challenge. She was there for me the whole 5 years im with the bank. One extraordinary person. Someone my gayness will lust for hahaha....

Sweetest and most hardworking clerk i have ever met. She is more than just clerk. She is a colleague, a senior,  a friend and a sister to me. I got so pamperred i cant help but became lazy pig in branch. No wonder yr boy is heavy too. Haha.

Im gonna miss her. Without her my work load will be hellish. She knew that. I knew that.
But it is best for her career. She deserved this promotion and it should have come earlier. With her overall well being, she will make a good officer. Sadly she has to be another branch's profit.

Saturday, 28 May 2016


I wanna talk to you.
I wanted to text you.

Lacking of assurance makes me wonder if i should or could.
Not knowing where i stand makes me even more cautious.

There is a lot of things i dont understand.
I wanted to ask you. I wish you could tell me.
But i wouldnt ask. And you wouldnt tell.
Why are we behaving like this?
I thk we both likes to have assumption rather than making effort to get an answer.
We somehow believe our own judgement rather than making it clear.
Perhaps we were expecting each other to show more, do more, tell more... and when both were asking, no one is answering.
Thus we got stucked.

I often like to think it is my problem and i should correct my way of thinking and doing.
Apparently many say that i dont know how to react to courtship. That i should be more daring.
Believing it is my problem will make the matter easier cuz fixing own self is simple. Fixing others is imposible.

Despite me failing all the time, i still hold on to a strong point of view. A man has got to be a man.
If u cant do what the least a man could, then you fail as one. Man is no longer defined by an availability of a dick.

I dont understand your hot n cold fluctuation.
I dont think i deserve it.
I dont thk it is the right thing to do despite how unavailable you are.
Thus i think it was intentional.
Perhaps you assumed that it was okay.
I have come clean to you about my past failure and how i was misled.
I thought you should know better.
If we are on different lanes, please hold back the inconsistence affection.

I can survived being alone. But i cant be put in a position whereby i have to question myself. If i was loved or unloved. If i was wanted or not.
Coming from my nature, i was supposed to be shown that i was loved or despise. And not have to guess around beating bushes getting random answers.

If you are really into this, i hope you put more effort. If you are not certain or you cant commit then i hope u could hold your horses.
Im tired of having to guess, wanting but fearing to move forward. Your inconsistence elevate my insecurities.
I had a very difficult time moving out of the past relationship. I dont want you to become the 2nd person who hurt me as such.
I thought you know.
I thought i made it very clear.

And you dont have to show me mercy. For any reason. Shall you finally decided we cannot go further, dont push me to another person.
It is bad enough that you have trigger my affection but denied its reaction. The last and kindest thing you could spare me is to let me go with some dignity by not chasing me away and getting a 3rd party in to detach me.

Ive been single for too long. I have past those age where people experience puppy love. I dont know how. I am too ego and traditional to show much hint whats more to confess. Im complicated in person but i wish to love simple.

My affection has a royal loyalty to it. I can only like one person at a time.
If you could not appreciate this privileage, kindly return it.
If you wish to object my accusation, kindly show me more than necessary. Cuz if you found my accusation lacks evidence, then stop making me felt so distanced.
Im not a needy person. I only wish to be assured.
Perhaps thats y you behave the way you do.

I truly believe being an experienced man in a relationship, you should know how to love right. At least you have had 2 great lessons against me who mostly just failed in crushes, terribly.
Then i take it very personally that whatever ignorance and cruel zero conversation and fluctuation of affection are intentional.
Either you are testing me, uncertain yourself or you are merely playing game.

Or i could take it as i think too much again cuz you are taking me as best friend.
Or it could be just me wanting too much too soon.


Whatever it is.
I cant denied what i am feeling now.
Im suffering from pms.
Terrible emotional swing.
Everytime you thought i was preoccupied you left me alone.
Everytime you were preoccupied you distanced yourself.
This is what i truly felt.

Can you help me understand it?
I cant express myself any better than writting.
They are too complex to be channeled through verbal and most of the time they only dried up on my lips before any content makes a leap out from my mouth.

Surely verbal conversation clear things faster but i dont think i can handle it. The answer if it doesnt favours me, i have no idea how to face it.
Just like a public confession i did for the 1st crush. Which ended in disaster. If it favours me? ... hmmp

Either way.
Im very bothered now.
Maybe it is just me being demanded.
I often forgotten my place.
Im nobody.

Who am i to make such demand.
You have every rights.

If you ever read me.
This is just part of me when i feel lonesome.
Time when i cant seems to find an answer but i couldnt clarify with you.
Just that day you said that if we have any hard feeling we should open up and tell out. Just like i have told you before.
Yes for all matters but on this?

It seems that i was the only one affected.
It was only me feeling disapproved.

Good night.

Saturday, 21 May 2016

X-men latest instalments.

Have been exposed to marvel's n DC Movies lately.
Movies that have never catch my attention b4.
But they are all very tempting. Now i understand how these fans become fans.

A soft guy (the sales) asked him if i was the gf when we were shopping for the facial wash. He and i both said no.
It was super awkward but when he said that,
He kinda screw it. He could have answered something else. Something that... well.

Maybe it should be that way. Bukan.
Bukan belum. X mungkin.
We are just friends.

I do like public affection.
I would like public recognition.
Hide n seek is really not my kinda game.
We shall see then.

The previous temptation kept asking about him and thought that he and i were together.
I was wondering if that random questions are some kind of testing.
I gave no answer. I didnt admit or try to deny.
Anyway... it was not a yes or no question anyway.
I just dont wish to highlight any possible wrong answer to the wrong question.
And when im with current lust, he would often mention the the other person's name in a conversation.
Why? Why dont you both ask each other?


And i heard and verified a damn bad news.
It seems another lost is coming.
That would affect me in many ways.
And most importantly, it is another good bye i dont wish to bid.

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

So very beautiful.
So very tempting.
So very exquisite.

I am proud that you were once almost mine.
Or so i thought.
Or so i was told.
Or so i felt.

I felt wrong.

If only one day you could enlighten me that
Perhaps it was not one sided affection?
I guess it doesnt matter now.
Cuz ive gone thru hell believing that it was not mutual.
To believe stupidity isnt a crime.
That nobody will remember my continuous shame to my youth.
Choices and beliefs i had on people... and on myself.

Saw you in that spot on white vehicle gave me an overview of your future.
You will make it.
It will come true.
Stay very positive.
Have aim and be kind.
Have a heart. Learn how to love.
Be brave. Be humble.
Be everything i wish you could and would.
You have an incredible drive and thirst for success
And it is contagious.
But also unnerving.

It's a shame how it goes that way.
How it has to be this way.
And you continue to tell me that you would leave.

I saw her.
They said she is your current favourite.
I didnt believe them.
But I cant help to feel bothered.
I will continued to be bothered.
I knew of her.
She is pretty. Slender and sweet.
What is not to like?
Even if it is not her, a new she would arrive.

She might not be the one that you could share a lot with but she could be someone who wont walk away.
No matter what.
She could be there physically for you.
Whoever she is.
Whoever soon.
I hope she will love you well like i once thought i would.

I do wish you found true love one day my dear.
Someone who could fix all the broken pieces and make you whole again.
You are not broken.
Bruised lil boy. You aint broken.
You are hurt. You are yearning but you aint asking.
You aint looking. You dont see...
And one day someone will help you do so.
You will be fine. You will be happy.
Its okay to be a sad soul. Dont have a sad life.
Remember we used to say this?
I will miss you calling me dear and bae.
I wonder when you called me so,
do you ever mean it?

Perhaps if only i could say im sorry for all the misunderstanding irregardless.
If you have never walked into the coffee house that fucking night.
If i never have wanted to meet my bff because i felt so empty while u were out meeting your friend instead of me.
If i never care of you leaving me insecure.
If only i wasnt already giving up on you.
If you could just...

Oh gosh. Im so baby... :'(

Ill be okay.
I have since lost the insanity that drove me to the brink of madness.
Or so it seems.
I lost something i never had.
I felt something intangible but surreal.
Thus i find no cure to this sickness.
I got sicker. I got worst.

Until he came about out of no where.
Someone neutral.
He pulled me back onto my feet.
Out of the self grounded misery.
So random.
Appeared at the wrongest time.
Or perhaps the righteous time.
I couldnt tell.
Im just thankful that you came on time.
Im grateful for your presence.
For not letting me go through this alone.
I was at my worst when you pick me up.
You didnt give up on me.

But dont let me get too adjusted to you.
Because if one day you choose to walk away as well, just like everyone would...
I am not sure if i could rise above level headed
Like i do everytime i fail.

Im sorry for not able to love cheap.
Im sensitive and emotional.
It is both a gift and a torture to be able to feel too much and hurt so deep.

If only you knew.

Sunday, 15 May 2016

Back 2 Back Movie Date

13th May

This week has been chilling.
Has been kind. It wouldnt be the same next week i suppose. Atm week next monday!
Kind and boring.
So on friday itself i needed a break. I want a tgif.
Was choosing between him n my gf.
But my gf she has got other plan Damn.
Again u ffk me.

I thought i was going to watch movie alone again.
So i fished out some courage to ask Lanson to watch with me. :)
I somehow feel that he dislike weekday's date.
Anyway he said yes.
He often say yes except for that one NTLP concert. Hmmp.

So i got myself a date. Still undeciding on which two comedy to choose from of which both is not from his favourite genre.
He is not a cartoon kinda boy. So i chose Bad neighbours 2 despite not watching the 1st movie.

So many sexist remarks, sex topics (that is how i know the vibritor has a name... it is called dildo) and so full of vulgarity.
It was all about #fuck #fucking #allkindoffucks.
Its an adult movie anyway. Haha.
Sorry. I didnt know.
It was a cheap fun movie though.
Esp when zac effron dance exotically with his abs and a lot of skin flaunting. Awhhh.

I enjoyed our chat over dinner.
Carefree long lung talk.
Time like this i wish it stays. Disruption free.
But my mom often find her way in poluting the carefree period of mine. Seriously. Do u mind? Aint i give enough? In return i just wish for some me time. Sigh!

Your persistence to my persistence kinda pissed me off earlier. We did resolved that dont we?
Thank you for letting me be demanding, compromising your demands.
Esp when i recalled the date 13th.
Some months ill forget. Some months it sticks out like a popping reminder.
And you manage to figure out why. How?

@Black Canyon.

A selfie taken earlier. 
Was at inspection with my gf at Senawang. 
Good lighting and in good mood. 
Good selfie guaranteed.

A game i played in FB but failed to post. The transition of profile pics i had over the year. 
I did transformed didnt I?
I was an ugly duckling. I know i aint the conventional pretty type. 
Worst was my low confidence and laziness got the best of me in earlier years. It took me 25 years to make the ultimate decision to chop off the hair and finally transform. 
Much thanks to the mid life crisis of which mine somehow is earlier than many of you. 


14th May

On duty for bank's road show.
Woke up at 8am to get family stuff done and rushed to bank at 9.30am to work.
Signed a letter offert with a customer. A case i am very satisfied with. Customer was very thankful as well. 

Saw the boy working extra time to learn processing cases and chase his target. Very impressive. He is the only sales person who walk the talk. I hope this will enhance him on work progress in a long run. 
Gayou boy.

I am impressed with a workaholic because i am one too. 

Once i finished my work, i went home still feeling something missing. And i had to participate the family dinner. Boy bo jio dating. He went for sport instead.

So i forced my bff to watch angry bird with me.
Haha. I knew it would be funny but i have never play the game before. So i went in with zero expectation. Laugh dao lungs pain la....
It was a great fun watching the animation. Fun cinematography. Graphic was pretty and lousy sarcasm and forceful intentional laughing points are the killers. Do watch for a good laugh. Side seats are still the best in cinema. More privacy.
I would like to try gsc signature next time.

Sorry for the late bday treat gal.
Im glad you are finally working at seremban. Plenty more time for us next round.

He got worried when i randomly post disturbing post on FB. Sorry... but i like it when u do care.
And we randomly got into topics... hmmp. 
How very random. 
And i wonder why i was so honest.
I dont know if it was you being brave or me being innocence or just us wanting to come clean with each other. That was new. And surprisingly not too uncomfortable and undoubtedly honest.

I have given you an honesty i cant take back.
It is as pure as virginity and as sacred as 1st love.
Hmmp. How very special.
The more you learn about another person, the more you figure about yourself. 
Does that make sense?

I hope this discovering journey is worthwhile. 

# If you can appreciate the rainbow after the rain, 
Why not learn to love again after past pain. #

# If you can accept me at my worst, you surely deserve me at my best. #

Thursday, 5 May 2016

NTLP 19th May 2nd 16.

Long break, plans to escape failed, period. 
So basically i was not in my right state of mind. The only thing i can look forward to is NTLP in hope to see similar faces that reminded my love for my passion. Each year my favourite batch mates are getting lesser as somehow they've found reasons not to come back. I thought i was being superbly loyal as i make it every year. Perhaps it was just me who dont have a life. Fyi, they often inform the performance date to the senior very much earlier. Anyway, deep down i know the club will still survive even if i dont go back. But i wish to carry this legacy as a loyal participant and hope it last and persist as long as possible. 

I manage to get a tour around ukm, places with beautiful memories for a good 3 years. 
The happiest days months and years' memories i had were mostly built over there. 

I was worried when some fwen told me their rehearsal kinda not coming together. And i knew the big man Andrew was away for some oversea assignment. So i was pretty aggitated. I reached only about 3.30pm and got into the hall quite late. I only manage to guide a pair of duet some choreography and showmanship. Then i got jealous again cuz i wasnt the person performing that night. Sigh. 
I love standing on Dectar stage. So overwhelming. So empowering.

As usual those old tuners who came back will be jio for a dinner at restaurant old man. It is a ritual for the old tuners. From 6 people initiated to a total of 15 ppl. Nais. All my favourite people are alive. It has been too long since i last ate there. So nice but so full of ajinamoto.

This year for the 1st time i drove and went alone. 
Not that i dont like it. I go as i like and decide as i perfer. 
I have invited my 1st choice to go with me but i wonder what made him indecisive. And he didnt say yes or no. Being always the dissapointed party, i suposed he say no with silence. As i mentioned before, i will only invite once because ego is one issue. 2nd is very much about priority. 
Whether or not it is given. I guess i wasnt given the priority. Who am i to ask for that right?
I seriously dislike it. 
Do not delay an answer to any invitation.
Because if i were to know my 1st choice will not wish to go, i could have ask my other choices to go. 

But im glad i went alone anyway. 
I have decided early on that it would either with him or i go alone.

The show was great.
Juniors did well. The informal mc were hilarious as hell and dancers were hawt.
Many good vocalist this year. Musicality flow was okay and some songs were memorable. 
Ended too late though. Resulted i x go alfaris for a supper. Dammit. Dammit. 

I could have just really join them and go back much later. But thanks to my family earlier drama initiated by a airless tyre. Fuck that shit. Thank you family. So i thought i better go home earlier to prevent other drama. And ive promised to get to one person about a movie date. Thus i would like to get to him earlier. 

Well done NTLP 19. 
I hope each junior feel the excitement and experience like i do. When you get to my point of life, you will most probably be thinking hey, i was great on that stage back in NTLP 14... once in a life time experience.
Well. Unless u r jess lee, who turns out to be having much bigger stage out there after ukm n ntlp.
Fyi, she is our ntlp senior yea if u havent already know. 


D movie date May 3rd.

Captain America : Civil War

Sorry im definitely on Team Iron Man.
You cannot always go your on way because it was right and along the way sacrificing all the important persons and necessities. 

Before you set who is your enemy in a fight, you must know if this fight is worth it. You must know why your friend turns into enemy and why they stand on you way. There is always a grey area where compromise can be made and final peace decision can be agreed.

So for his head strong and little concern to all parties involved, i have no choice to stand with Tony Stark. 

And you chose Captain America. 


May 4th

FlyLikeAG6 team dinner.
A team built by 5 colleagues. None of them wanna come out with a name. Thus i named us that. Seems legit!

We ate at Bangkok Wok. A place where a few special occasion occured before. 
Was sickly and moody. He got pissed off with something and whenever he is pissed, he kinda lost his cool and become distanced. Which i dislike. He chilled much later after everyone has arrived. 
I wonder why the relationship topic came about and it became an issue everyone is harping on. 
Being the least experienced one, i just sit in silence and listen. Im glad they were harping on you as well. 

Well. Surely everyone has ones idea about relationship stuff. No right or no wrong.
But i may agree or disagree. 

I have a lot to say but i wasnt sure if they are ready to listen or wish to listen. Thus at the end i kept my mouth shut. For a leo not to speak her mind is incredibly difficult. You have no idea. 
Basicaly you just need to be sick. Haha. And you wish to listen to that specific person in the group to talk his mind. 

But somehow i wasnt liking all the details that night. 
I wonder if it was the feverish feeling or i was blushing madly. 
My face was heaty. I was not angry but i just wanna get away. I dont know why. 

Nway. Better get back to work. Double effort at work got me an oustanding spot. But in an uncertain relationship? Im not even sure if it is worth it.

So long this uncertainty is not taken away, i wont be able to have faith in you.