Saturday, 27 May 2017

We finally met.
Thanks for making the effort.
I never know how much i worth until i see people making effort in knowing me a little bit better.
And it turns out better than i can ever imagine.
You are my type of choice.
Those type that i will fall for. Men i will look twice if i see them on the street. And that is exactly what i am afraid of.

I am afraid of faling in love again.
I would be even afraid if you have that intention to see me more than friend.
I have had more than 3 rotten potatoes showing intention but never materialize it.
I dont wanna repeat this circle.

You are something odd. Something facinating.
You are funny and i wonder why you appear so familiar and it feels like i have known you for sometimes. Cuz you are A LEO!
Thanks for letting me know that you're a Leo.
Thanks god for a leo. But a leo is not easy to deal with.
I know cuz i am one hard bitch.
I know how ego and revengeful i could be.

You made me feel like a princess today.
Laugh like a kid.
Pampered like a lady.

I shall see you in next effort maybe.
Yours or mine.
I dont know.
Im not sure if im worthy for a second date.

Thank you for being the best thing that happen this year. You are one big hell of a distraction for me to try let go of the hesitation im facing.

A dog n baby lovers cant be that bad of a boy.

You made this lady so shy.
Blushed madly.


Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Pms.
Now it has got to be 2 weeks pms perhaps.
He knew it and you have no freaking idea.
He always know. If he wishes to.
But you. I dont know.
You will ask. But im not sure if you ever wish to know any longer.
If i ever sense you dont care anymore.
I will not ever open up to you again.
You thought i was unhappy.
You have no idea what went wrong.
You have yet to get the idea.
The urgency.
The effort.
Not everything that loves you will sit still and wait for your forever.

I never expect anything from my goodwill to you.
I dont think you can ever repay me as well.
To the extend that ill be thankful for you.
All effort i have pour in for you and us are worth it.
They were not wasted.
Perhaps for now. You may live your live as best as it may take you. That would be your ultimate repayment to me.

I am a extravagent dreamy gal that gone simple and thankful. The little rebelious me and the ever larger than life me is still deeply burried. For everyone's happiness and comfort.
One day it will be unleashed and you will see my biggest smile ever plaster on my face.

I beg n pray for your inner peace and smooth ride in future undertaking.
I wish you well.
Same as his when he walks away.
I will take care of you both so long we are under the same company.

Goodnite


Sunday, 21 May 2017

520

The day that you called without warning.
I pushed you away so many time yet you came back for god knows what reason.
Please be a great distraction.
But please dont be a fuckboy.
I met quite a few these few years and it is enough.

If we are workable. Pls work it out.
Or else dont even try.

I will not be kind this time.
Dear Love.

You called me at an early hour today. Sounding like nothing has happened.
Like yesterday never happened.
The fact that i saw you and you saw me at town and you never called me right after and the hours later.

Was it because of the sensitive 520 date that you wish to avoid me thinking much that you are ready or something.  Haha... if you feel that im thinking too much and sound crazy it is all because how you overthink stuff and complicate things.

To be honest you made me very emotional and sad.
You make me wish to move on and not stay put for you. You made me feel so unwanted. I kept giving you reasons that this is a challenging period for you and that i should be more understanding. But you are not assuring me that things are gonna be okay.
Despite every odd thing i try to hold on and try to persevere. But it seems like im fighting this war alone.

From the get go it was me who keep giving n trying.
And time to time you told me you were trying as well but you just couldn't. It was not enough. It was close to 1.5 years already.

I dont know what makes you think i was not enough. You claimed that there are things between us that cant convinced you. Compatibility.
Im sorry that you cant work on that but i really have tried my best.

Things you found unsuitable other people found it attractive. I try push people away for extra chances for us. I wish not to put myself in a position to find a better person. Im afraid that i will not choose you if i have to make decision. Or do you prefer i choose otherwise? So that you could be spared from making any decision yourself.
Do you understand the unnerving feeling im going through?

There was a saying that says one will never put oneself in a position to lose someone if he or she is important to you.

I knew you were important to me when the tragic incident happened to you.
Because we both collapsed that week.
I wasnt the only one who cried with you.
And she has to make it a point to crush me and continue to tear all the little hope im holding for us.
And you did nothing to assure me.
Maybe you did but it wasnt encouraging.
That week itself. I wasnt needed. I was not needed.

Maybe you rather lose me than to face this drama at all. Tell me. What you wish me to do?
Continue to expect nothing and let nature take its course? Until the day you are ready?
Until you yet to see anyone better?
Or that day you dont see coming?

I had too many people asking me to move on from the get go. Everytime i shudder to the idea because i just couldnt face it.
I really wish to continue to hold on. But up to when? After the passing of the 100 days? How assured you are that you are capable to make decision by then?

I know there are things that cant be force. I wasnt desperate to want to be in love. But i kenot be held waiting for nothing and kept be denied. It really hurts me. It devalues me. I feel so worthless.
I really dont know how to face you love.

Im like a part time hang around gf.
More than best friend. But not a suitable one.
As at when needed then ill be around for you.
Always here waiting. Not seeking. Not forcing.
Cannot expect and cannot be jealous.

And hearing you today breaks me a little.
Cuz it was like it is okay for you to just talk to me when you feel like it and dump me aside when you dont wish to talk. I told myself this is temporary but i cant convinced myself. Days when it matters we dont talk or celebrate and when odd things happened we dont clarify.

I bet you have no idea i was mad at all.

I couldnt bring myself to do it.
Maybe cuz it really dont matter now.
One day when the jealousy subsides.
I will know what to do.

And making this hearbreak decision myself could be the last good thing i can ever do for you.

I wish you happiness dear.
I wish you love.
It wont be from me but they would be from whom you love.

And it will be worth it.
Day when you know how to make decision because you have no doubt on her.
Compatible at its greatest form.
I dont doubt you will find her.
I only wish she love you the same as once i could.

We are gonna be best of friends.
This i promise you.
And i will show you how i could be diplomatic on work and relationship and this time you will finally see how it is workable.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Much relieved to see you more lively these few days.
Your annoying sarcasm is back and im most glad to hear them out loud.

They said if your conversation with someone you are close with getting shorter, the conversation between that someone with another is getting longer.

I dont think that applies to us yet. Maybe one day. 
I just hope you have sufficient sleep everynight.
Some comfortable dreams and visions that encourage you.

I dont get many good night lately. Haha...
Apparently i still get jealous over translated chinese words on her wall.
I just... i wish the translation option could just disappeared.
Or perhaps ill just increase the ignorance level. Something i became good at.
Im happy that im still jealous.
I promise you one day i will no longer.
We all gonna be best of friends.
I assured you that. Because both of you have different value to me. Both equally worthy to cherish for.

My house is gonna be ready in 2 weeks.
To much expectation and expenses.
I finally begin to see it becoming.
I only hope that the end product is something i can live with.

Boss got me brainwashed for literally 3 hours. All of our colleagues were called in for meeting.
Something i hate especially for repeated thing which doesnt apply to my core job. But then again everytime he speaks i somehow will listen and buy his talk.

I thk he is a good manipulater in a great way. Somehow he can convinced me to do things as he wants. Imagine if he is your bf and he could make you do all he wants. Hahaha...Perfectly realist and his frankness might surprise you.

I begin to really see how he got to be at his position.
Well... pbb together we are the best.

Funny how i become someone who no longer care about my own reputation. No longer feel challenged by others. Either im too comfortable helping others or that i just lose the passion. Leo in nature is competitive. Boss said something that kinda make me feel bad. He said i have proved to him that i am capable to do well in target. But i slumped. Be more aggresive and realligned your strategy. Dont just help others. Haha... so he sees.... :)

What do i do?
I felt overworked.
The compliance and the new centre setting up. More adjustment and changes. Work load and restrictions and gosh... im a bit pressured by all this.

Some more the house stuff. The money arrangement... fortunately i have a very caring cousin brother who helped me so much despite not earning a single dime from me.
He and his sister are very kind to me.
Owe them big one.
Thank you much :)

Distance between us is further than 45 minutes now.
That made me so stumbled. Fumbled.
Things happen i guess.

Again i have to go through my own journey making things happen on my own.
You werent around.
You couldnt. But would you if you could?

Not asking you this give me the power to give you the benefit of a doubt.

I probably dont like your answer anyway.

Sigh.



Saturday, 13 May 2017

Are we gonna lose it?

Is this period starting to make u feel that perhaps it is not all so worth it?

Missing one person and continue loving another has no interference.

It is a challenging period to you. Adjustment and
Changes along the way.
I really tried not to step overboard.
Maybe i still do. But i tried not to.
I really dont know how to uncare once i start caring.
It seems everything i say or do doesnt make sense or even useful now.

I dont know how much you need any support or some warm wishes.
I dont wish to put you off.
I dont wish you to be alone as well.
I knew u have good siblings and family member around. They did wonderful.

Im really just an extra.
I only seek this extra is not being annoying to you.

Perhaps we need a lot of time.
Im not even sure this 100 days can make any different.

We all eventually have to move on.
During this trying period. You will lose some
Hope. Dream. Desire. Wanting. Needs.
Characters. All u ever believe might be no longer valid.

You will see also some truth about human' nature on which of them actually care about you.

Things i dont ask doesnt mean i dont care or dont wish to know. Sometimes i prefer to trust you did everythong for a reason. And i simply know you needed to do so.

Puting your mama photo as ir profile picture.
I thought it was pretty sweet.
It was lovely. She was so beautiful in it. And to do it on mother's day? It was really sweet.
But everything must have its quota.
You can only choose to indulge to missing her some hours of everyday.
You have to have life balance.
Life might not be meaningful anymore but you gotta still be living this life for her.

Unless she wants it back.
Or else you fucking deal with it on how to survive this cruel world. It was her gift for you.
Weather it was laws of attraction or power of nature or watever shit. Things happen mostly without explanation. This time it chose to hit you hard and leave no reason for you to decipher.
Its unfair. Painful is an understatement.


I am sad seeing you and us deteriorate like this.
Could you ease my mind once in awhile?
On what you think about us and do we still have nothing within us.
Will you still try your level best?

Or would you send me to someone else ?
Would you fight to want me stay?
I know i shouldnt be questioning this now.
But im still alive. I feel things.
Maybe at this hour im still not important.
But i hope you manage to be better for those family members who are also trying to live for her.
Time will help you. Given enough time. You will be able to stand strong. I hope you dont push this away as well.

Happy mothet's day to both your mama n my mama.
You have been a good boy and she deserve all the credit every compliment directed to you.

Mrs Koo.
Pls know that your son has been so well mannered.
Mostly all of us likes him due to his good nature snd overall well being.
Thanks for forming him into the man he is and gving us the opportunity for us to meet him.

You will be missed deeply.
Help him slowly moved on.

Continue to bless him.
Every boy need his mama.
You were his rock, home and every reason he came home to.

I hope you knew he loves you so very much.



Monday, 8 May 2017

Dear love.

No matter what my future holds.
What us will lead to.

I will walk with you this rough patches.
I dont know why it has got to be this rough at this period of time.
But this halt is never welcome period.
I wish i could make you fall asleep at least one peaceful night so it could reduce your pain.
At least temporary.

Trust me when i tell you i could feel your pain.
There isnt a day goes by that i wonder how are you going through each day without her.
It was how i exactly i go on without my baby every day since he was gone.

A lot of things you need to get used to.
A lot of things will change.
Every corner at home you will still see her and too many memory flash back that will kill you.
Because i knew that feeling so it hit me as hard as it hit you now.

You have to be strong for her to move on. Help her and help yourself love. No matter how you cant let go. You have to slowly do so.
When i lost my baby. Every night i pray.
I hope he goes to better place.
I hope all his love for me and his saviour and sacrfices will lead him to a better place.
Everyday i seek forgiveness and if i have to trade anything for his well being in afterlife. Just take it.

But i guess im the worst example you can ever refer. Cuz i couldnt move on. I just try to forget and ignore.
Try to wipe off the past 12 years memories i had with him. Pure stupidness. Haha...
Thats y i hardly say much. Nothing anyone say will ever mend your heart now. Especially it seems i just couldnt bring the right word to say at the right time.

I can only continue to be here and whenever you need someone to listen to. To talk to. Anything you ask babe. Im just one text or call away.
You have no idea how willing i am. At least for now.

But you gotta promise to try to live. I promise you that the world still got alot to offer. See more and experience more before it takes you away from people who loves you.

Believe that one day u guys will be reunited.
Funny how i dun believe in god. But i would pray when im lost. When i am incapable to help the one i love. Like you. For now. I just duno what i can do. Im helpless.

The energy of believe and having faith is very powerful. I knew it was intangible to say that my baby and i will be together again once i die. You knew it might not happen. But it doesnt harm to believe in it. At least i am not afraid of dying.
I only dont wish my mom to suffer without me around.

Haha...

Things i suffer for those that i love.
Love. She dont has a choice. You have.
Live for her. Be fair to her. Cuz those up there they definitely didnt been fair to her.
Be better in time.
I know you will manage it. Slowly and surely.
I will support you until you are ready to brave the world alone.

Let it ache.
Let it tear.
Let it crumble.
Collapse if you may.
When you hit rock bottom please do remember to reach out to us. We are here waiting you to walk out of somberness.
Whenever you are ready. :')

Take care love.
Im so used to being fed with your attention and
I am too a bit lost not having it suddenly.
Maybe its my turn to reverse the role?
Your well being is my concern.
I couldnt be the reason for your happiness. I wish though.
I would like to try. Maybe you wont be ever to feel the same contended feeling again.
But yes. You will be able to be okay soonest.

Ill be strong until you get better.
Gayao.


Saturday, 6 May 2017

Things i did for love.

Went to ntlp 20th last friday alone again. Every year since i became ex newtuner and officially joined the oldtuner's gp, i will reserve 2 seats for me and if i am lucky for the plus one.

And every year that he will dissapoint me.
I guess it is for the better. When you are alone u get to do things your way. And ntlp was always a gathering for all newtuners.

So we will try to gather around and chat.
Well.
It is okay.
This is a precious thing i always wish to share. But only for those who cares.

Ntlp is already 20 yrs old.
How time pass.
Im on my 6th year as senior.
I cant remember very strongly how the past 5 years has gone but i did went every year.
The only passion that has yet to die.

Period. House renovation.
Noise polution.
Stress. Eating disorder again.
Love is sick. And me too is sick.
Next week atm week lagi.
Arghhhhh....

Hope you are fine, love.