Thursday, 28 November 2013

2 week & counting
I miss you everyday
Not a day passes by without a tear
Not a day passes by without whispering your name

I'm trying to believe that I never had you
That you were just a beautiful dream
That I have just woke up to reality
Sometimes I tried to believe that you never died
Cuz I still see you everywhere
So close yet so far

I'm trying so hard to act strong
Not to cry in front of others
Cuz they will laugh, they will not understand
They will not care
They will not help

The one I love dearest has leave me forever
Never thought a loss could have such power
To break and crumble
Far greater than any pain I've been
To endure, to last

11 years of memories
I cant promise to remember all
Yet can't choose to lose any

I seek for mercy
I seek for forgiveness
I seek for your comfort in afterlife
We shall reunite soon in one sweet day.

After all the necessary
25 years to go....

I love you baby so very much.
The hollowness is killing me. You don't go miss me. Seek for your freedom & joy.
Thank you for keeping me grounded & sane. That dies with you. A gift taken back.
:') Muah Muah.

Friday, 15 November 2013

Remembering My Love Wong Coi

 Today I became a murderer. 11 years ago I was a savior. Or so I thought.
He has been with me for a good decade of wonderful journey since I was in Form 2.
He came into my life when I lost his little sister in a car accident. I was crying very badly which prompted
my dad to bring in another puppy to cheer me up. The rest was history.

Greeted him good morning and good night became my daily routine whenever I'm at home. While I was away for PLKN & University, my mother became his mother, taking care of him, feeding & cater to his needs & he would keep my family safe and sound. He was not the typical dog like others. He was a scary cat who's sensitive to thunder, fire crackers, bathing & even big men. I became very protective over him. I remember how my parents often scolded me for being too close with him. I would be hugging him, letting him lick me all over my face and we would share foods. I often smell like him too.

As time goes by, responsibility caught up, social network got widen, more people and work needed to be handled. However, without fail, I would pet and talk to him everyday. I have a lot of nicknames for him but he respond to me anyhow. I would annoy & make him jealous when I pet a stray or neighbour's pets & in return he would bark and come disturb as a warning. He makes home a sweeter place to come back to after a long working day. He was a comfort when days get rough and being with him give me a sense of serenity.

Now that I'm a working adult, I could provide him more necessities he could use especially medical care. Sadly, his health deteriorate as he ages. By the time I realized it, he was already too weak and old for advance treatment. Doctor could only prescribed medicines to control & hopefully prolonged his life.
Not long after my grandpa pass away in September, his condition worsened by day. The abdomen & testicle swelling aside, his hind legs were weakening. I was made known to expect the worst and was even offered to put him to sleep. Subconsciously, I believe that as long as he could still eat and be responsive, he might be able to carry on further. I wanted to believe that he wants to stay alive, with me.

Starting November, I began to see his partial blindness. His breathing was hard and forceful and he would have difficulty to stand up on his own. I cater to him to walk in the morning and night since then. It was difficult of course but I was most willing to. There was a chinese saying that goes 'the light bulb burn its brightest before it burns out'. He was somehow giving me his best effort to cheer me up prior to his worst condition.

On the 13th of November, I made my life's hardest decision, that's to put him to sleep. I was pondering, fighting my thought not to do so. Am I being kind to let him go from being suffering or am I cruel to continue to let him stay suffering? I don't have an answer.  Either way I knew I was dying witnessing him gasping for air while waiting for his heart to stop unpredictably if it was prolonged. It was a forced decision, it was the right decision. I could do it better, I could do it later. I then called up to the doctor & the caretaker.

He was a family, my best friend & soul mate for a good 11 years. I don't know how I will live through this but my only wish now is that he found peace. I hope he knows that I love him dearly.
I will miss him forever.

I'm sorry I don't know how to say a prayer to you dear love. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the best care and times you deserve. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you now. I keep wanting to chant your name like I used to when I come home. I keep wanting to go out for you whenever the commercial break comes in. I keep spying on you spying me when I'm eating. I miss wishing you good night & that I'll see you tomorow morning when I lock the door. I don't know that a lost could be so surreal and intimidating. Pls come visit me in my dream. I really wanna see u coi coi.

Thank you. I owe you my life :')

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

I know I shouldn't be here. But the pressure is too high I cant restrain myself to drop by.
Suffocated. Like real suffocation! Since my grandpa's death, I refrained myself from being emotional in front
of anybody. I swallowed everything. I thought I'm already okay. However, every time someone talks about him, it reminds me about him that he no longer alive. I got teary.

Now, someone closer to me than my grandpa, my father & my brother will soon leave me alone too.
My dog, my life companion for 11 years is suffering from aging health issue. His hind legs are weakened, so badly that he has difficulty standing up. Very soon he will lose his ability to walk. His breathing got difficult as standing up takes him great effort. It kills me seeing him like this. No pain is greater than this. Still I need to take it all in and try to carry on whatever I can still do. I'm living in denial. I know he won't get any better. But I really wanna make the best out of this and keep him as long as his wanted to. Despite his weakness, he is still responsive & eating. I cant put him to sleep in this condition. I'm living everyday in fear. I'm not sure if I can still see him in the morning or the next call I received from my mom is that my dog is dead. Life can be really cruel. Maybe this is a punishment? The fact that I disowned god when I was little? Everything happened too many too soon. I'm too weak to cope with all these anxiety & challenges, all by myself.

A day of happiness bring me a day of sadness. I haven't even have time to digest all good things on the 31st then came surprises on the 1st. Again it concludes my negativity has a solid facts to it.

Exam coming this saturday. I'm not in the best position to focus in it. I wanted to just fail it and have more time for me & my baby but ego shut the idea down. I'm sick of myself.
Time to leave u. Come back to you on Sunday. Hopefully, my baby would still be around. :(