Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Bitch Gone Nasty

So I gave you 3 weeks of chances already. 
I hate talking on the phone yet I pick up ur calls everyday. 
Since the 1st day I asked for your identity which I supposed I have already accept ur existence in my life.

But you didn't make the best out of it. Instead you beat around the bush escaping the question, not disclosing.
I got so fed up with the way you talk to me. The more you speak, the more doubtfulness it seems. 

Then you make me look like I am naive & that I am easy to get. Making me wonder do you want a relationship or do you want fast cheap sex?
Then you try to ask & control me like I am somebody to you when you are clearly a nobody to me. 
What's the matter with you?

I don't know if this is the way the 70's era guy chases girl but it definitely doesn't appeal to me. 
Especially a Leo gal to begin with.

That Sunday was the day I lost my temper. I literary scold him in the phone. By night, I thought myself this is enough. I don't wanna proceed with the maize while not knowing what to expect in each corner, each calls. 
I know he has low standard of English understanding but I have no choice but to send him a long msg to asked him not to call in anymore & that I won't pick up until he realized what this is all about & his intention.

I expected him to call right after. I expected him not to understand the msg. I hope he tries. I hope he fix this.
Give me room to breathe.
To date, I received 10 calls. I didn't answer. Do you have any idea how extremely bad I feel. I noe how improper for one not to answer call. You left me with no choice. I feel so awful. I really hate how you make me feel. 

I don't hate you really. I appreciate you attention on me. Whatever happen on the 1st week was sweet. However, once you started to question me stuff & the fact that you let me know I shared this position with someone else makes me pissed. 

Some one so brave yet so cowardly. Someone so truthful yet so secretive.
I don't know how long I can stand this. 
Or what will he do further to fix this. 
Will I allow another chance?
Did he deserve another chance? 

Mind you I still don't know his name. Madness. & I allow 3 weeks of phone conversation. 1 lunch & I dinner date. Stupid right? I felt stupid. He fails me everyday yet I thought maybe this could go on for awhile.

Which is why you think it was okay of delaying facts I need to clarify. Dafuq.
 You made me feel so awful right now.
You're gonna pay for this!

I pity you! I pity myself even more!

I talked to my senior about this. 
I told him everything. He is my mentor, my direct, my friend. 
He question me of what do I want really?
 I thought awhile. I actually want a lot of things he don't have.
But it boils down to one thing.
I said Sincerity. 

I remember this Idiot asked me the same thing before. What do I want to know. He once also say that I don't appreciate his effort. 

My ego & its madness. 
What do you expect me to say? to react? to respond? 
The fact that you make me questioned myself is already indicated to me u're a wrong choice.

 I think I'm gonna be sick!!!
Month end dy. Chasing acceptance!

PMS lagi... & you... What am I gonna do?


Friday, 25 January 2013

Screw u Joanne~

Scaring your crush ain't gonna save you from being scared by someone else. 
Okay. But I'm happy. Just let me. Thanks for allowing that.

 I guess I'm still able to scare good boys. I just didn't expect to be revenged in such a way by a stranger. 
I guess what comes around goes around.

Monday, 21 January 2013

Stupidity is Infinite

As per Sir Einstein~
Well, I saw that quote being shared in FB; I didn't thought of any title for the post. 
I heard something that's very saddening not to myself but the fact that it hurt the person I love, I kinda pissed off knowing this ugly truth. It was actually made known for a long time ever since I knew wat was going on in the world. I didn't try to escape but I tried not to care.

Now that I'm all grown up, I even care less about it than I could possibly wanted to. 
I guess this person no longer own my respect & I wanna detach from it for good. 
If I am forced to face it one day, I wonder what would be my impromptu respond~
I couldn't imagine. I guess me doing nothing & saying nothing is the worst punishment to this person cuz only then it would know how does it feels to be betrayed. 

One fine day I will let you see it for good. 
Untill then pray hard I don't bump to you with your sins.

When I say I have a handful of jerks in my life I hope you know this is no joke. 
All males entities in my world are jerks. Only when I reach uni life & current working life that I see real living men. However, they are still passer by. They still don't make sense to me. 

This none particular fly who happened to blindly bump into me is no good boy too. Maybe it was my appearance, I kinda born with a stupid wild play-gal face which I had my father to thank for. Which many says that I look like my mother who definitely is innocent enough to jump into life's miseries. 
Maybe it was my friendly persona that people thought they could know me for good from one conversation. 

There's a saying that goes that the more you hate whatever in life, those are the one that will come after you. I guess I'm feeling it. All my life I know I'm an unlucky gal. All good things that ever happens will be subsequently followed by sadness. So it makes me believe that I don't deserve love & affection. When I come to believe in 'em, finally knowing that it's tangible, that's when I really am most vulnerable. Those are the people I have opened my heart to & if they were to crushed it, they most certainly could & I would just die.

This is the 1st guy who ever aggressively seek for my attention. I can see he tries so hard & pushy. I doubted his sincerity. I doubted his intention. I know guy at his age is already looking for long term wife who can cooks & clean house n give birth. It could also be that he enjoy singlehood & all he wanted is fresh women & fun in the bed. 

Either way, I'm not keen. It's not that I don't want sex or that I only want sex after marriage. Infact I really hate calling myself aging virgin. The precious 1st time watever. I had my principle. That very 1st time can only be given for the love of my life. I don't see my self having much luck in love either.
I just don't want to repeat my mother's footstep & any lady figures in my family. 
I was so close for allowing chances when he disappoint me in a way I couldn't imagined. 
He failed badly.

Having grow up in such broken tarnished family; spoiling my childhood was already enough hardship I need to go through. Repeating it myself is like slaping myself hard on the left face. Accepting it would be another on the other side. 

I know myself pretty well. That's when I fall in love, I will give in & give up on everything I ever wanted, on whatever principle I govern myself with & whatever ego I keep to survive.

So  I'm choosy. So choosy. Set the bloody bar so high, I can't even reach. Act as though I'm the millionaire daughter. Demand on good stuff when I am not someone who could do the same. Only when I'm willing to try; only when he's worthy for me to do so. 

There are still several things I need to clarify before I made my final call, to whether even accept him as friend. A lot at stake. I talk like it was a bet right? It is indeed a bet when I know what's there laying ahead. 
Selective of course as I already have enuff bff on the line I can't even be fair to each and everyone of them. Do I need more? If not extra good, I don't think so.

Some might say that I think a lot, some even say I think too much. But if you could ever think deeper, or kinda step into my shoes, you will know why simple stuff like this would need extensive evaluation. 
There' no room for mistake. I won't allow it. 

This is rare case. Highly uncomfortable. 
Nasty air of trapped unspoken drama had finally unleashed. 

Imma sleep. Finally, heartfelt blogged. :)

Friday, 11 January 2013

1st Dinner Date

Do I like to take it nice & slow? I guess so~ but not to the extend of taking me around the garden with no conclusion.

Now that I bump to one outlier who seems to come from Mars, I was very much petrified so badly I blamed my tummy discomfort on him. I never has gastric & I'm sure why am I having it now. 

He is nothing close to what I wanted. I don't think I will ever turn my head on him if we ever walk past each 
 other. I wonder what drive his actions. Was it desperateness? Bravery? Or just pure lunatic.  

He made it clear by day 1 that he's gonna make me his. Can you imagine how sick am I to my stomach. 
But as calls get by, he just kept making me LOL. I'm not scare of him.

But I don't wish to give him any hint of green light as well. I will allow one thing at a time maybe. 
Gurlfriends ask me to give it a try.. as in a lunch or dinner or even a movie is no big deal. 
You don't try, you never know. 


I came to a conclusion that there's only 2 type of men a gurl can bump to. 

1: The one that you like
- Like myself, If I know I'm gonna meet up with someone I crush on, I will make sure I look good, dress well & talk fine. I will try my best to impress him & highlight all the goods of me in the effort of leaving him a good impression.

2: The one that you don't like.
- This is much simpler. Just be the worst of oneself. How hard can this be right? Seriously, to me it's tough. 
My egoness fight against my will to act bitchy towards human kind. 
I just spill all my bads & even created lies just to look even worst to that particular person. 
If he couldn't take it, he will leave it. 
The fact that if he could ever accept you the being the worst, he could be the one deserving your very best. 

I don't know. I'm just saying that this willingness of acceptance marks a great deal of sincerity. 

Anyway, as far as the dinner is concern, it's not what I ever thought of a date. 
Well, he's a man. Not a boy. LOL!

Anyway, not much impression yet. Simple man who isn't afraid to act himself. But I still doubt his intention.
He is concern about me knowing what car he is driving, his full name & age... Sigh. 
Not right!!!

What makes me even sad was that how would a stranger ever appreciate me more than my crushes?!

I'm not gonna lie. I like the attention.

I just wish he could buy time & take it slow. I'm not in the rush AT ALL for goodness sake. 

That's all for the update. I hope I dun get burn myself playing fire. 

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

This year could be the year. 
However, it was very random. 
One comes after another. 
Tummy is misbehaving. Very uncomfortable. :(