Friday, 29 June 2012

The kindest Friday

Slept very late last night. So that I could finish my work early today. 
Felt like a zombie for the whole morning. My performance was slightly weak this week. I was slow & cases were not smooth moving. Rasah taught me alot this week especially on loan package for land purchase & islamic product. 

Friday- judgement day. Where would I be sent next week? I was half expecting Johor. I felt like returning there. But something better came up.
Seremban :)

The feeling of being sent "home" made me beaming with smile for the whole day. 
I got so much to talk to all my seniors & my boss. So much!

Finally after 2 months, I was allowed to go home. I could sense that my superior is mad at me. Felt. So sorry. I gotta start loving myself. Those who knew me know how badly I punish myself emotionally.

Can't wait to go back Seremban Branch on Wed. 


Someone remind me that day about the alien in my body. She took it out surgically. I don't know how different her case compared to mine. She is one brave girl. One year past by and I didn't really bother with it for a long time. Until I realized that it could have worsened. I'm waiting for the day to have finally collect enough of courage to face it. Let me drag until my birthday is over okay :)

Wilson texted me to come out dinner which prompted me to leave early once I finish my work. He & the rest of those who studies 4 years are officially jobless XD.

6 years le... can you believe it. Those were the days we dressed up in green uniform as Paulians. 

My smile becomes precious. U guys drew it effortlessly. 
Thank you dearest. 

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

It's depressing... Sigh > <'''
Bite the tongue missy... Shhh

Home business preparing very traditional dish from Hakka people. Located at Rasah New Village...
I heard it's quite popular in Seremban. Heard of it since I was still in Srbn branch. They would purposely go tapau and bring it back to office. Today a sweet girl friend bring me over to eat. The soup/ or the herb tea is to be poured into the rice according to own preferences. I never see anything like this. 

Tasted very funny. Definitely no 2nd try. LOL

But hey, thanks babe. U brought me to something new :)
I seriously cannot go out admit myself as hakka clan. I wonder if my grandparents know about its existence. 

 This thing was posted by a friend yesterday. I felt like a slap on my face. Hard & burning. What the hell am I doing really? Let me just hold on to my belief for once. Whatever wrong things that I'm doing now will leads me to something right. Yes it would. I just didn't know that I would lose that much, things that I didn't see coming.
Nuff said. 

Time to study banking circular... huhu FML

Oh oh... Happy birthday Pa. The clock strike 12am in 55 minutes.

* There will be a day that I cannot fall asleep because reality is better than dream*

Saturday, 23 June 2012


I drove back from Malacca on Friday- Like a boss. Speed up to 110-120Km/h

I tried so hard not to over speed though. Dad was following at the back XD. Buahahaha. Well, I asked him not to drive too slow cuz he always fear I cannot follow from the back. Then he suggested that I drive in front instead and he will keep up. Okay! On! 2nd lane-3rd lane-back to 2nd lane. I just wanna go home.

Once reach home, I unloaded my bags. No compliant at all. Wow! Great start. Very soon he will be convinced to let me go on my on. :) Finger cross la. 

I'm sent to Rasah branch next week. So I guess my predication was wrong. My instinct was wrong. Fishy la... So damn fishy. The 1st time I was sent to that branch, the Biz manager said they didn't ask for mco. Then consecutively I was sent to Batu Pahat. Will history repeat? I don't really mind to be sent there but alternatively would be good. This whole mind game or rather the anxiousness on every week is driving me crazy. & I'm not the sanest girl to begin with. 

Anyway, the guilt is still there... Well, whatever happened, happened. 

Just came back from Starbucks, yea overrated coffee shop. Met up with dearest Jiayie. She is truly god sent. One of the few things in life that truly reminds me of the existence of Him is her. That's how special my girlfriend is. 

Dad's bday is coming. Due to my work's nature, I dun noe where I would be on his bday. So, I pre-order the suit to be made much earlier. A boutique he always go for tailored made suits. A brilliant idea came knocking & I knew I'm going to make one for him. :)

 A man needs a suit. 
Like a master needs an identity.

Feng Shui Palace :)

Too simple in my opinion, but charming. Shining complexion of the clothing materials needs simple design I guess.
This whole idea suddenly reminds me of my designer dream. 
Where is it now?
I can seriously tell you, if I were a boy, I can so totally score any girl that I want. Hopeless romantic. HAHA! Thanks to my father's genes. 

Expensive pun... One year once okay la...  But mom's one coming too... just a week difference. 

So I'll be around Seremban this whole week & since I took leave for 2nd & 3rd July, I can totally go grab some fun. I either go KL find fwens or go watch dance performance at KLPAC or hmm...what??

Think! Just don't leave me at home!

I'm so happy for you... it's indescribable. Beyond words.
For so many of you. But my heart ache cuz I couldn't be sharing it with you and that I wasn't one of the reason that U feel happy about.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Joanne learn 3 things today:-

o  To drive with heels
o  To flash high light to give signal while driving 
o  To enjoy lunch/break time whenever possible

Now this place isn't too bad after all considering I have 2 gals as lunch partners. 
I used to eat alone so that I could adjust my time and go back work faster. 
Another reason is that I want more time alone. Enough of voices, sounds and stress and peoples...
I just wanna be alone most of the time.

But these 2 gals are lovely :) they teach me on how to relax in a place like this. 

Last day here 2morow. I have a great reason to believe that I would be placed in this hell again next week. 
Y? Cuz I could have make someone very mad and he might wanna teach me a lesson. 

I salute the branch people here. How they manage their positivity & sanity while dealing with daily life like this.

 This is exactly how my emotional wave is being there. The sense of calmness do not last for good. 

Came back late from a McD date with a babe :) A leo gal too...
No wonder the sense of familiarity.

Nobody understand a leo more than a leo!

K la, sleep - with great anxious. Whatever must come, must come. 
Bring it on. Send me here again la. 

> <

Tuesday, 19 June 2012


The name Love Affair pops up when I was thinking for a post title... I wonder Y..
Hmm.... Nevermind! Do stupid shoots like this make me trilled. At least for a moment, my focus was lifted to something else. 

I prompted this idea about doing troll face shoots long time ago. Since ferfer & I both have one piece. She did that 2 weeks ago, & I finally get mine done today. Paiseh dear... Kept you waiting :)

But mine more expressive neh.... Ur's kennot see the troll face mia....  SS skill ada problem la...
Lai, let senior teach you :P

I miss you babe... Miss ur damn ego pun... XDXDXD

Wait you fin viva 2morrow.... I find you chat. Provided that I'm not emotionally drained by the branch-that-must-not-be-named 2morrow. I really hate being there. I have never felt so unworthy in a place before. 
Oh well... That lady boss is the mother of all hell bitches :( 

 Don't step on my tail though. I'm not your branch people. Don't expect to lead me. I respect the rules therefore, I will try to follow your standard of perfection. Puik!

I miss 2011

So much!!! 

Monday, 18 June 2012

The Love Letter

Since the love letter did not get the chance to be published, hence I would like to share it here.

My dad, Michael Chai. 

When I was a baby, everyone in the family thought I looked exactly like my father. The chubby face, the big eyes and practically everything on my face resembled my dad’s.  Growing up, he was always on the move just for the sake of bringing home foods and education to us. But that was the only thing he could do – be there when we need him rather than being there to see what we need. Being overly protective of us makes me feel extremely enclosed. Seriously my parents have the best imagination in the world. Every step away from house is like a suicide attempt! Funny how I wasn’t rebellious at all especially when the wild me was bounded in such way. Perhaps they saw my weakness I don’t see for myself. That was then. Way back then. 

Flipping back to current chapter, I have graduated from a renown university in Malaysia namely UKM (I’m not going to hide it). I found a job totally out of my field of study and I’m now currently financially sound & independent. I might not be able to help him share the burden yet but I’m definitely off as his burden. Just when I thought of that, reality threw me back to the whole parent-daughter situation. My current position requires me to travel up to 200KM distance to places by own transportation. Less than one year of driving experience already made my parents freak out. It’s even harder that the fact that I have to stay alone in foreign places without a companion. My dad being a business man himself has the capability to adjust his time just to complements my needs- well, the needs he thought I need. He would sent me to my new work place on weekly basis or let me drive while he guide me from the passenger seat. 

While in the journey of exploring new places together, he would always brainwash me to indirectly call off the job as life is too precious to be on the road all the time. He has been through this, he thought he had enough and it wasn’t easy. He said he has no choice. Now that he could give me a life with many choices, why do I still commit to this job? He knew he couldn’t command me, so he tries to grumble over it or to talk me over so that the fact makes sense to me. 

Seriously Pa… LOL. No, it's not funny. But... >.<

The guilt accumulates every time he sacrifices his time just to make sure I safely arrive to my destination.  I appreciate the effort that he’s learning to unleash me & my freedom but at the same time, I would let him take control of certain situations especially in something that I have less experience in. I’m making it a win-win situation for me and my dad. My superior doesn’t get me. My colleagues are jealous of me. My friends thought I am weak- well certain maybe. I am fragile. I’m not the healthiest girl nor did the most determine one of all. But I know I’m pushing hard. It’s only wise to move forward in the stage of life with the support of family & always allow them to see you grow. 
My dad needs to be grateful that I’m the most obedient child with very thoughtful brain to complement it. I had utmost respect to my dad of his loving nature & his capability of a man to take care of his family. It might not be the righteous way all the time. But every action taken speaks a volume of love and strength. Many people don’t know this. I’m not sure if my mom knows it. My dad & I always sing duet in the car, singing along to CDs especially those old-times love songs.  I think my parents fell in love through music and he sings good melody too. Now I know where those genes came from. We would randomly talk about politics, the latest news of when & where of the crimes & all sorts. The travel times become our chatting period. The elder I get, the more topics we could share and have in common.

I wish to get this opportunity to wish my dad, a Happy Father’s day. Although my love to my mom is much expressive, it doesn’t mean I love you any less. 

P/s just for the extra information, I look more like my mom now but I have 80% character-match with my dad. 

Your Daughter
Joanne Chai

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Emo post, Post it.

So lifeless.

I hate every monday & friday
I did a right thing yet maybe not entirely the right way.
In a lot of situation, I never prefer verbal confrontation. Last thurday, I send an email to the superior who manage the mco's schedule. I thought I need to voice out my intention before he set the destination. So, I told him I was unable to go Johor next week & I dun wish to be sent there consecutively for the 3rd time. 

He replied that bank's business came 1st and if only I had valid reason of not to be sent there continously?
I felt a rush of angst and disappointment. I kept this for so long and I just spit it all out. 

I said that alternatively, yes, I could still make it. Traveling being the most difficult task. I said I don't think I can make him understand. It's okay and I will accept the company decision. 

I thought I was slightly bold and rude in a way that he might felt that I disrespect him. 
I felt extremely guilty. I told him many times about my situation. He was in a position where he has to be fair and arrange schedule accordingly. I knew he was always in dilemma but he was also in a place where decision can be made after comparing situations of each mco. 

He then emailed to us the destination for next week assignment. I will be placed in the branch-that-must-not-be-named, Melaka. Although I really hated the branch so badly, I have no choice. I made a negotiation with him, I got what I need, to be in Melaka instead of Johor for next week. I couldn't be possibly ask for more.

It's my choice. For the right thing- at least I presume it as the right thing. 
Johor BPT was not bad. One of the most comfortable branch of all. But the distance is seriously too tiring. & I haven't started to drive there yet. Timing not right. So it makes me so stress out, so full of guilt, so emo. 
I'm so messed up. I have this very bad habit, genetically transfer by my mom- to think a lot. I'm so easily be bothered. I care too much. 
I wanted to apologize to my superior. But, I wouldn't wanna call and if I kept doing it through email or text messages, it wouldn't be right too. 

So, I brushed the idea off, but the whole thing is still very disturbing. I'm trying so hard to believe that I did nothing wrong. I tried to seek where is the mistake. But, am I wrong at all?

I'm shivering to return to the hell. 


I took leave on the 2nd & 3rd July and 2nd & 3rd August. 

I wanna have a sweet escape on my birthday. To a beach preferably. Internal Mas or external. But I guess I'm not quite inviting or people somehow find difficulty to commit to me. Timing being a problem. Expenses being a problem. Anyone in the world could ever possibly prioritize me? 

 Gosh. Why is everyone being so disappointing? Or was it me who is being dramatic? LOL
What? LOL!!!

Before I die, I would wanna visit these few places specifically. 

1) Stonehenge 
 2) Easter Island
3) Venice
4) Niagara Falls

Internal Mas within 3 years. South East Asia within 5 years. Asia within 8 years. 

A promising idea. Materialized or not is another matter. 
Being a girl has so much of disadvantage. 
So problematic. 
So irritating. 
What's most difficult is when I'm so daring but I am mistakenly trapped in a lady's body.

So trapped. 
I'm miserable. What can I do? 

Other than making so much noise here, I can only act normal and carry on life as usual. 
Fact remains that I'm not OK. I'm not K. 
But I'm not ready to seek remedy yet. I don't believe anyone could help me now.

Father's Day coming. Pa bday is also coming-within the same month. I got just a brilliant idea on what to buy for both the celebration.


There are things sometimes we just knew. Was it just me or that few of you simply walk out of my life already? Part of me being disappointing. & you found another one to replace me. Yes, don't deny that and No, I'm not talking about you. In a way, it reflects you, but it wasn't entirely you. 

Pls don't bother reading anymore. 


Friday, 15 June 2012

Sometimes all you have to do is to forget what you feel & said and remember what you deserve
Post by a friend in FB. 
I could use it for a moment. Needed it so badly. 
I'm dying! 

Monday, 11 June 2012

I played truant... how? I lied. Why? Cuz it's for my dad & I's comfort. 
6am the hell.... So 9am... from Seremban. 

Reason for Emergency Leave (E.L): Car broke down.
Wow. It slightly hurt me by cursing my own car when it was super fit all the while. 
I'm sorry baby Chasez. I have no choice, cuz it's the only believable fake reason where no one will bothers how does it got broken. Even if I prepared myself with a proper answer, nobody will understand it. So, it was perfect. 

So Monday feels like Sunday :)
The perfect morning
with my perfect melodious play
4 perfect rounds of coldplay
So beautifully haunting 

I was actually nervous of lying... really
Especially when it was intended. 
I sucks... with a pinch of what.... with a wholesome of stupidity to complement it.
E.L meaning whole day sudden leave...
I actually gave back another half day to them just to make my heart feel better...After all they're gonna pay me some cool claims at the end of the week. So, I don't work for free at the same time, I will make sure I deliver my job when I get paid. 

So it's easy to really test me. You could ask me something very sudden. If I take longer than 1 minute to answer you, surely you can start to doubt if I were telling the truth. 

Since I was actually on leave today, I go back sharp at 5.45pm. It feels like heaven. With a determined heart, I went to the gym at The Summit. RM10 per walk-in le... For a try out okay la... haiz. It's only when you paid, you gotta appreciate the sweats that you drain out. 

If only I have the whole big mirror to myself. I could use it for dancing. I dun wanna lose my skill!
Will go another time in the week. :) 

Sunday, 10 June 2012

How many regrets I calculated earlier this year? 
Just to add in a new one.... I will miss the Mickey Exhibition!
This is mad saddening. Though I'm not the miss gaga that goes stupidly crazy over Hello Kitty or Pikachu (which I do fancy), I really love Mickey :( 

I went for the Disney's Concert for a reason K...
It's all for a better reason. My mom finally went for a vacation. She went for the 2nd wedding celebration organized in Penang, a place she hasn't visit for over 24 years. Thank goodness she agreed to it. We argue alot of time about it. She has this demanding, restriction that made herself locked up in the house and then blame it on the dog which practically it goes back to me. I'm so glad she broke her shell. I hope this goes on. I don't mind taking charge of the house although I totally dislike home chores and she kept insisting me to follow her direction... Pls. 

See you had fun and home safely made me happy :)
Though you're going without me, you know the dog & home is safe guarded by me, just like before you left. 
U trust no wrong person.

Pls go out play more. Fully sponsor by me.... :P
Until I quit my job, you can go everywhere you want. 
That would be...ermm, hard to tell. Anytime! Then you have your daughter back, but no monthly side income lor... LOL

Love you mom

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Batu Pahat Again

Furious, Unacceptable, Unfair

Well, unfair... nothing is fair... You're paid! Therefore you follow instruction and get the job done, by hook or by crook! Who bloody care about you problem. Your superior? Your friends?

Bitch Pls. Shut up!

I'm sorry that I'm shutting down communication. Few very nice friends came forward but you guys are one day late. I dated Xtine & LokeWoon on Friday at my new hang out place~ Pizza Italia. Xtine right away knew I was emo. Both them are my bestie turned colleague in BP Lab. I thought I wanted to sealed my lips but I couldn't. Cuz I knew they would hear me out. They would understand. Thanks dearest. 

I realized one thing. Problems are not meant to share with everyone. Not every bestie. Not every close friend.
Just like the quote I read today. Some would prefer to watch and cheer you on on every battle you won. Some would wanna be there to help you won a battle.

To think of it, it wasn't really a big deal or some hard battle anyway. I'm just so messed up emotionally. I'm unhappy, really. I couldn't find way to unearth it to its core. I jog yesterday evening. I was actually speed running. I want to distress. To my surprise, I still had it-the speed. Today I shopped alone. I tried to date sumbody but since it was pretty last minute, everybody has a date. While I was singing out loud the song 'Im your Angel' in the car, I cried.  I didn't see that coming. I begin to really scared myself. 

A senior jerk told me that I was getting plump. He met me twice in Jusco, and text me when I left. He never made an attempt to wave at me or to say hi~ So was that my problem or yours? He texted " you must be getting alot of good food out station now" Seriously WTF! Jerk like this.... Sigh. One hell of a jerk.  He couldn't stop using the annoying childish word on me when I told him the truth and the hell saying that I must be having fun running around...all these rubbish. If I could, I would be pleased to slap him hard on his face. He thought he was being caring but please, just shut up. If you cannot say the right thing at the right time, just shut up! The fact that he couldn't tell that I was so fucked up, He made me feel incredibly disrespectful. Bless you. PBB need you! No wonder all the colleagues hated you!

Gosh. BPT is not a bad place at all. Not even close. It's just that... ah, I don't wanna repeat this. This week, I shall swallow it in. If I continuously sent there for the 3rd time, I will made my bitch talk heard. I'm not in my most comfortable state to be most obedient to you. If you cannot get me, fire me pls. Don't ask me to take up the challenge and all those rubbish foolish advices. You can ask your daughter/son to pick up my job. I'm too weak for you. Perhaps they can do a better job. Thank you. 

Now I can really shut up. Released. :) Need not anyone else to hear me over. So, don't go around asking me how's life? How's work? Shush! Just shut!

Random pictures~

 I guess the broken leash gotta mean something

 Dinner mate @ BPT~ Very charming guitarist :)
Thanks bro... Thanks for not leaving me alone. Lai, let's go more places next week cuz I ain't bringing car this time too.... muahahahaha.... pls dun neglect me ya XP

A rush to own them...I almost bring my Bruno back... Tsk... ME n my stupid stinginess... Didn't manage to buy in promo price... I didn't have the right combination. 

I even had the rush to cook tonight... Wow. Who says emo is bad???
Mom still in Penang... So I had another whole day to myself. Shall spend it satisfactorily. 

After all, I only had myself to please now. 

Maybe soon, every nice people who are reading me should stop doing so. Cuz it's not beneficial at all. Unhealthy. This is a site for my emo site to tell bad stuff.

Jcdagreat is dying.

We shall see if I could revive her okay. I will try, I can't promise.
She can't even sing her melody right.:'(
Bless her!

Monday, 4 June 2012

Is Anybody Out There

(K'NAAN feat. Nelly Furtado)
[Nelly Furtado]
I don't wanna be left
In this war tonight
Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?

Don't wanna be left left in this world behind
Say you'll run to my side

Something 'bout mary
Never won a pageant
Never felt pretty
Never looked like cameron
Diaz was her last name
Always been abandoned
Keep your head up

Baby girl this is your anthem
There goes hannah
Showin' off her banner
Rocking that crown
Make them boys go bananas
When you're insecure about yourself
It's a fact
You can point a finger
But there's three pointing back
I can see her crying out, yeah
Is there anybody out there?

She's really counting on your love
Still struggling uphill
But you act like you don't care
Right now she could really use a shoulder
Hanging onto the edge til it's over
She's crying for your love tonight
Lonely is hard to survive, she said

[Nelly Furtado]
I don't wanna be left
In this war tonight
Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?

Don't wanna be left left in this world behind
Say you'll run to my side
Is anybody out there? yeah, yeah, yeah

Is anybody out there?
(somebody, anybody)

His name was adam
When his mom had him
Dad was a phantom never took a look at him
Grew up mad and antisocial
Hated outdoors, always in playing madden
Adam was lonely
Drugs were the only
Way out of his own life
Now he's slowly losing his fire
Close to retire
With one last hope he puts his arms up higher
I can see him crying out, yeah
Is anybody out there?

He's really counting on your love
Still struggling uphill
But you act like you don't care
Right now he could really use a shoulder
Hanging onto the edge til it's over
He's crying for your love tonight
Lonely is hard to survive, he said

[Nelly Furtado]
I don't wanna be left
In this war tonight
Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?

Don't wanna be left left in this world behind
Say you'll run to my side
Is anybody out there?

If you feel the way I feel
Like you've been talking to yourself
Well this one's for everyone who's felt invisible
Lonely in a crowded room
Searching for someone like you
Can't do it all alone (no one can baby)
Can't do it all alone (no one should baby)
Is anybody out there?
(somebody, anybody)
Is anybody out there?
I'm right here for your
Is anybody out there?

I don't wanna be left
In this war tonight
Am I alone in this fight?
Is anybody out there?

Don't wanna be left left in this world behind
Say you'll run to my side
Is anybody out there? yeah, yeah, yeah
I don't wanna do it all alone
I need your love to take me home
No one said you should be all alone
I'm right here
Is anybody out there?

Sunday, 3 June 2012


 I found this new toy.... I saw Mr. Bryant Chua played last time during our mentoring section & I felt in love...with the toy. Now I found it in BP mall... Apa lagi? Beli la.... I had a rush to buy more than one pair. I bloody should. Walk for almost 2 hours. No sense of direction though... I just kept going, trying to find similarity... Trying not to feel so alienated. 

Spent! On unnecessary stuffs! But I'll do anything to make me delighted.

One of my fav senior~ Mr. Blackman! LOL
Ever funny man.
The only thing worth coming to BP is him and only him.
His perseverance & passion are things I look up to... I truly wish I could be that strong.

Everything gonna be okay... Bro, you too, a little bit more patience, it could leads you a long way of success in the future :) All the best... bless u with 'lady' lucks... both spiritually n literary...  XD

You cured my Sunday emo....

Let's just hope this week will just be like every working week. 

Every Sunday & Thursday I'll be extra anxious. It's not helping my anxiety & impatience sickness at all. 

Enough is enough!
When the time is right, I will make the righteous decision. 

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Sent to Batu Pahat for the new assignment.

Wow! I guess everything that I've said & ashamedly admitted weren't in your consideration at all. 

I understand you & your dilemma, but did you really make the best effort for me & my situation. 
Utmost disappointment.

Never mind. I thought I might wanna stay until Bonus come or until my dream come true....
But I guess I might not wanna wait anymore. When the limit is pushed and my faith is crushed again, I will not consider giving you face anymore. I don't wanna put anyone's priority above my own needs anymore. I don't wanna think on your behalf, care on your behalf.

Aliz's wedding today. My fav cousin sister... She looked extremely pretty accompanied by her husband, very charming guy indeed. Bless you dear newly weds. :)

Emoness kills. It happened to a friend literary. It hadn't kill him like for good, but it definitely affected him in a way. Couldn't help him at all, cuz I couldn't even help myself. I am always on the edge emotionally, anything against my acceptable range of patience, I will be on rage. Hence, I choose to talk less. I'm really trying...

Who could lead me out of this blindness?