Saturday, 31 December 2016

Happy Birthday Dear You, Last working day. Happy New Year 2017.

I forgot how long i have been planing plans on your coming birthday.
I dont know what and how i should execute it.
Under what position am i doing it with and how do i do it without causing more complications.

Then i thought to myself. Fuck it.
Just do whatever fuck i wish.
I might not have tomorow to regret about it.

It's a silly theme celebration.
It wasnt supposed to be all Captain America craze.
It just happened. Funny.... i hope you like the gifts.


This kinda silly me, you dont get to see it twice in a life time okay? 

Thanks for finalizing 2016 with me.
It has been a wonderful one despite a lot of bumps, dead ends, reroutes... long and winding roads.
Both tampin and mantin roads combined.
A joke only we understand.

Heartaches, tears and self doubts.

You are something different :)

You made me experienced something new.
Shown me things and fulfilled some of my wishes this year.
Things people will promise but never bother to materialize it. 
At least you care to take the trouble to make my yearning came true.

Countless dates and memories.
Damn lotsa movies :)

Im thankful to have you around.
Grateful to have known you as friend.
Perhaps a little more than friend.
Too bad what we had is just this far. 

Life has got its way in teasing my relationship's destiny.
Its either wrong timing, wrong matching, wrong wanting, wrong places, wrong timezone or wrong person.

This time what actually went wrong?

I like it when u feel sweat... this pose never fail to make me giggles.

Fuck rules. Fuck conscious. Fuck norms.

But i guess we are not on the same lane after all.

I respect your decision.
But i wont held my heart hostage for you.
I'll move on.
I have taken ample of time for finally moving on.
Fuck you indecisiveness. Fuck you OCD.

Let's see what 2017 has got for us. For me.

I wish you well.
I wish your dreams come true.
I wish you all the happiness in return.
I wish you smooth journey ahead in your decided pathway. I wish you love and ofcuz getting laid by the one lady you cant resist for good soonest.

Always be kind but keep gentlemaness and compromises on the low. Some girls we fall for soft spoken guys who know how to treat us well.
We easily take the over rated kindness as love, as courtship. Save it for the one lady you fall for as a sense of respect and as your priority.

2017 will be a great year for us.
Gayao and dont give up!
Be a better man and a better person.
The world need more good man.

We dun need superheroes.
We need humility.

While i seek more freedom to love and be happier to this glory year of 2017.

How to? To future potential crush :

Perhaps if i love you, i would tell you in your face.
Perhaps if i hate you, i would speak my mind.
Perhaps if i miss you, i would do more.
I will bug you. I will call you non stop. I will keep my presence sensed. I will wish you good morning and good night. 
Perhaps if you cant decide, ill make the call braver by walking away sooner.

I need to be more selfish for the sake of this delicate heart. Fuck this curse of virginity.

Brave up JC.
Fuck it ms insecurity and ms ego.

Fuck you 2016.
You got my to do list delayed again.
Im ready to make them come true now.

Let me wow you 2017.
Bring what may. Imma face it with grace.
Even if i cant smile, ill fake one with my middle finger in your face. 

Happy New Year!

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Eve & Xmas 2016

2016 is probably a year of RIP. Many big names are being taken away from the entertainment world. The latest being George Michale.

The man who sang my fav xmas song 'Last Christmas'. He literary died on xmas day.
He is the sad case of which his gayness was expose when the world find it hard to accept this tabooness. His fame gone down the drain eversince.
The world has change now and look at Sam smith. He came out straight admiting he is gay and he won bloody many grammy award. Ahaha... and imma fan.

Last Christmas is a sad song and i found a reason to sing it every year. This year is no exception.

On the eve. Due to period again and as always. It was always the woman hormons that are to blame.
It was so close. I wanted to call it off again. For real.
I was so emotional. It was the day which i dont think is a matter to you anyway.

And it has officially become meaningless. Xmas eve is just another day. Not anniversary. Not anything special. And im very sad to revoke the date that i have specific expectation on.

My bff came with her parents to see my house to check out details and see how to assist. Im glad she gave me some ideas into fixing the disasterous ID.

And i watched a bloody meaningful comedy drama called 'see you tomorrow'.
I actually cried for a few moments cuz the touching scences in the film really got into me. I think my mom shed some tears and the man aka stranger next to me did too.

The one that makes you cry effortlessly. Scenes that made you cry cuz the raw emotions displayed are those that you have experienced and recalled. One i would want to watch again. The lame funny jokes didnt really work but gosh. Its really best when you go into a movie without any expectation and let it wow you. It teaches me some values on one of the saddest day i had this year. There are things beyond our control and letting go isnt always bad. 8/10.

As the moody day past by thinking how do i spend the 2 more days rotten at home and how to fix it. He came knocking. One that i expected but i wish not to expect anymore.

I was close to saying no on the invitation with reasons he would buy like... im sick. Im having period. My mom is not feeling well.
Reasons that are solid and real but not the one that stop me from going places.

I know you have complication at home and you are sickly yourself. But i cant help to feel that things could be better managed and .... im sorry. Of all things im lacking, insecurity is a bitch.

I know i have your priority too.
Things you have done for me i remember vividly and i appreciate them.

Long story short. I accepted the invitation and we went to IOI city mall instead of pavillion.
It was my choice. One im not sure if i would regretted later but i knew it was the correct decision.

I was slightly weak but i was happy.
Infact i was a little overjoyed i wonder why... perhaps it was due to low blood pressure (period) and delayed medication effect.
I was conscious but delighted most of the time.

Time with him, its a comfortable one.
Most of the time. We suffer the same old indecisiveness on places to eat. Places to go.
Damn. But that gives me power to nag and laugh it off.

I manage to give out the presents that have been stationary in my room for a long time.
Earlier of the noon, i finally found my artistic mood to make him a bookmark. Those who know me will know the value of the bookmark. I dont think he understand. Anyway... not that i wish him to appreciate it like the way i did.

2016 could easily go either way.
Its either a forgetable wasted year with alternative of happy and sad memories. Going into year 2017 single and hostage free heart.

Or the year that changes everything... one that consist delayed decision, confused and painfull days as hell and some great times. Walking into 2017 attached, decision made and experiencing new partnership.

I think the former prediction has higher percentage in coming true. I have a habit of making the most out of even the worst case scenarios.
Hmmp. I still have hope and faith no matter how bad a situation is and it will go to the very end until i truly give up.

Its nearing and i really have no regreat this time. I have make the most effort base on the conditions that im facing. Its not up to me now. And im already doubting. I know its almost time to call it quit.
Delaying decision does more harm than cruel intention and cheating.

And before we ruin our friendship by decision you cant made with your unsolved puzzles and certainties on me, we could choose to be best of friends.

I tried. Maybe you have tried your hardest too.
Still it is not enough.
You dont love me enough.
Because love is suppose to conquer every doubts and fears.
That reason alone got me hit a new low.
It lowers my self worth.
Somehow im still not worthy.

Again. I care about your feeling more than mine.
I know that you could go further and see more years and things beyond now and it will only leads you to more exposure and perhaps you will finally find the one you truly and undoubtedly love.
What you need to do is to stay unattached, committed to your futures and make most effort to things you love now.

You have to be hardworking and stay clear minded.
Never be bothered by things not matter.
Be able to make wise decision steadfastly and steadily. You are only so young. Time is gold and the future awaits. Be more open minded while holding on to own life principles. Be fearless. Do know you are capable to deal with hardship, pain and lossess. Wrong decision never define you. How you come back stronger are the ones. With growing maturity god knows where it leads to.

You have my support!
While wish me lucks and hope the best for me to achieve my dreams too.

I know my ultimate happiness is a delayed one.
I hope by the time i achieve my enternal freedom and happiness, i will still be blessed with good health and enough wealth to see the world and find my own peace of mind.

Prior to everything else. Let me do just one more thing. Let's celebrate your birthday before the year ends. I still wish i could achive plan A with you.
But places always dont matter. It just add fanciness to people. It is always the person sitting next to you that brings value.

Then we walk into 2017. With good health and new memories and whole lotsa new worthy and beautiful expectation.

Its time to create a new 2017 resolution. Only this time the list will make much more sense and being attached will definitely be off the chart :)

2017 is the year to revive Jcdagreat.
Let 2016 be bygone.

Love. Joanne.

Oh yea. The gifts. Are funny and sweaty.
I hope you find a place to use them. Haha...
Merry xmas and happy new year.

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Every last quarter of the year is a curse.
Im not being negative. It has been like this for many years.
I cant denied that. This year aint escaping.

My mom complaint of difficulty breathing right after i came back after celebrating a colleague's birthday. She always got a lot of peculiarness and complaints but this time it was different. She cant breathe, cant focus and was freezing cold n shaking.
So i suggested we go to ER columbia.

It was dramatic from then on. BP was high. Ecg test hinted blockage rhythm so the ER doctor suggested that she should admit for the night. And see heart specialist 2morow morning.

I paid for the deposit of rm 1.5k. Not long the specialist was around and he was willing to come for a visitation. After examine my mom for a bit he suggeated we do a CT scan on the heart 2morow and we could go home for the night.

It was a long night. 10.30pm to 1.30am.
I wasnt too well myself. My dad realizing we werent at home, called in and came right after.

Dear you,
Thanks for accompanying me the whole night.
I knew you were sleepy and tired.
You may not have the right words or the remedy to my sore heart but the presence really does matter.
At least i dont feel so alone.
Time like this i couldnt fight alone.

I dont understand.
Maybe im being tested on my patient level.
It was said that one wont be tested above one's ability to handle a situation.

The next day was hell. 11am to 5pm, we were at Mawar specialist hospital.
Biggest mistake ever choosing Mawar as per doctor's instruction.
Result came out and x ray shows that one of my mom vessel is blocked. Between 50% to 70%.
Doctors gave few solution and we optioned to take medicine for now. To monitor before further action.

I dont know what i should feel. This time she was more optimistic than i am... for the time being.
Too much filial too soon.
Im scare that one day that i will give up trying.
Give up caring. Give up feeling.

Im not made of steel you know.
I have limitation too.
I grow up knowing that i have to put her as priority and everything else might need to wait.
All the dreams and freedom that i seek will have to wait. And they can wait.
I wont get anything back for my deeds and i know from the get go this burden will not be shared.

But knowing and doing is different matter all together. I think i did okay. Maybe i dont have the kindest words to offer or that ill tend to complaint a lot but... anyway who cares.

Ppl who dont walk on your shoes will never understand. And people who has been on your shoes may suffer worsts.
Its all learning curve i guess.
No matter how much u speak of it. You still need to solve the problem.
Ppl sometimes judge you by what you say and not what you do. Fortunately i no longer care what others may say. They dont matter. Even those who matter doesnt care much.

This could be the reason why i built walls and stay emotionally distance with others. I tend to care too much but i dont have that big a heart to do it anymore. If i appear difficult and if you care, pls bear with me. I have many complications in my life. Thus you got to be simple. Dont add misery to my bruises.

Im very tired.
So drained.
Dont pity me.

Im not just a 11.30pm hi chat partner
And a 12am gudnite sleep wisher.
Im not "You are away, you are with friends.
You are sick. Thus i shall not disturb you.
I shall let you rest. Should let you enjoy your bff times. So i excuse myself today".

I could be a 9am good morning crush.
12pm eat well dear.
3pm suddenly thought of you. I wish to mark my presense even though you are occupied.
7pm lets get dinner mate.
9pm tv buff. The dude kenot act lar... etc etc
11pm doozing off and lets sleep early gal.
3am i cant sleep and i wish to chat with you silly.
You could be" you're away and i wish to wish you well. Are you having fun with bff? Is this sick cat feeling better today?"

Haha... i cant denied that i felt neglected and abandoned those few days.
Am i wrong to feel that way?
Perhaps i think too much and want too much?
I again forgotten who i am in the 1st place.
Perhaps i should just date myself.

The specials dates are near.
2017 is coming. Ill walk through it as a 29 yrs old lad single and tougher.

I wonder if i were to be asked of my fav moments in year 2016. Who would i thought of and which specific dates ill choose to remember for good?

What about yours?
Am i part of the good memories?
Or the sickest ones?

Best wishes. Promise me to be happy at all times.
Others dont matter. Dont worry.

Im okay.
This is not the worst.
And it wont be the last.

See me soar and catch me if i fall.
Ill repay your kindness.

East coast visit @ Sarawak. 8th to 12th december./ Wye Lyng wedding

Pichas are random....haha.
So u may need to read to know the flow.
1stly i went to Kuching after mc for 2 days.
Things i did for love. I tried my level best to recover so that i could board the flight.

We took off from joanne w's house. I was high on medication but more excited than blur.
The flight delayed abit but aside from there, everything else was fine. Reached kuching at 4pm and fetched by lek lek n her new mazda.
Seriously ah lek, among all my fwens, u drive the safest. Good drive.  

We checked into Pullman, a 5 stars hotel but wasnt expensive for a 4 nights. The view from room was great facing the city n river. 5 star quality n highly recomended. The x mas decoration was good too.

Immediately we went out to search for food.
Ah lek said we should try iban traditional food. The restaurant was named Lepau.
Sarawakian is famous for their own fermanted alcohol i forgot the name, bamboo cooked chicken/other meat, midin (sayur paku) and durian cook prawn... well... ewww

Bad sore throat and some sambal belacan, the effect was quite immediate. I lost my voice that night itself.

Lek then brought us for a waffle date as 2nd round. 
A night rounding kuching. Super cool. 
Oh that night itself, upper lip was swollen. Ah lek said it was due to allergy. Hmmp. How wonderful.

2nd day basically was a lazy day. We tried the halal dim sum buffet located just at hotel ground floor. Food was so so but it was a good try. Another evidence that im a total food waster in buffet dining.
Then we head back to room, nap n tried the hotel jacuzzi and sauna room services. 

1st try ever.

Then back hotel relax again. Night time ah lek brought us to premium 101 food court. Huge space for many stalls to choose from. 
Food wise. I didnt manage to try sarawak laksa cuz it was too spicy for a sore throat. Kolo mee. Omg. I finally understand y it never get out of state. Hahaha... but oh.. pork satay is good. 

Then we went for a movie. Sing. got us laughing so loud
 Ofcuz im the only one who couldnt laugh out loud.
Sad... great movie for relaxation.

3rd day ah lek said we were too relax already. As planned, we went to gua pari and gua angin. Being on medication n blur state, it was pretty endangering. Very eyes opening experience. I think i would do it again with other cave. With better health.

After both cave, we dropped by to tasik biru. Chilly cool place to be. But spoiled by rain. Sigh...
We went to kuching town right after.

The next day i was suppose to go bako beach which include hiking n beaching. But my condition got weaker by day and jo not so incline to hike. Thus we chose damai beach n cultural village instead. There we see Santubong mountain. Huge and full of greenary. 

We tasted the best soft n crunchy waffle in kuching.
It was so good we ordered another set. 
Overall, the trip was a great one. New place, same old trio. It is like a revenge to all the missed wednesday date we used to have before ah lek was assigned to Sarawak. Kuching itself is a developing area, too many malls and new buildings against the population.

I only manage to check out one cat statue. 
My energy level was so low, for the past 5 days there i only had 50% strength to carry on the day.
For the gals, i must hold on. But i think im more of a burden to them. I really wish i could recover on time but it seems the weather aint so kind as well. Relapsed every day due to rain n cold hotel room.

Moral of the story is dont travel during sick. N do not plan back to back trip with not enough buffer day to cool down.

I went back home with total lost of voice. Super headache and fever. I cant even see doctor cuz it was public holiday. Dammit. 

Thanks Dr Yap for being a superb fine tour guide and recommending good stuff to us. Let me pamper you when u back seremban okie?

Jo and i had a great time.
Next trip sabah perhaps?


The trip got me thinking.
Do your presence matter?
Do my presense matter?
I begin to doubt mine. I havent matter much.

Its okay. I wont let denial happen for the 3rd time.


December is really a month for reunion. 
Today is Low Wye Lyng wedding.
Meeting up with primary school friends for the longest time. 

1st met with Kwan n Low over a decade long.
Glad u all are fit and kicking :)
Best wishes. 

Monday, 5 December 2016

3rd to 5th December 16. Endless penang trip...

Dear Life.

Im travelling again after 2 years. By flight.
Im blogging while witnessing the great nature of sky and all forms of candy like clouds. It never cease to amaze me. Infact by traveling alone i got to really see these in silence.

At this moment of truth, i thank you life for let me living thus far. For seeing such beauty above sky and be above all the mess ive thrown into. 
Right at this second, they dont matter. They have given meaning to this opportunity for me to appreciate silence and lonesomeness (literarry cuz im travelling alone and damn im so near to the plane engine... its noisy... hahaha).

It was a rainy morning n season. Half way thru and im seeing mist. Worried pun...
I had a silly morning, boarding the wrong plane and it had totally spoiled my carefree morning with a cuppa of caffeine on hand and mood to blog. Anyway, kapten lee just greeted us with steady voice and hinting safe journey along for now :).

Potential crush woke up early for his business but didnt fail to greet me morning too. 
One that matter for now. This months is filled with a lot of plans and expectations. It will either be the do or die kinda planning. Either way, it will jump start to a better year of 2017. Alone or with special someone.

Selfie queen... i only take selfies when im happy.

I always believe everything happen for a reason.
Its the only way i could hold on with. I have no previlage of being given what i wanted thus from early on ive learnt to understand life. To appreciate what is given and to be thankful for even a little reward. I used to be someone who is leaning towards extremist. Wont settle for anything less than expected. Knowing ill be doing great lotsa things and meeting best of the world.
But sadly life has got another path for me.
For everyone indeed. 
Instead of fighting with it, i learn to negotiate with it. If not now perhaps later. If not this maybe that. If not there then here. If not you maybe someone better.:)

I never want to know the 'what if' story anymore because it will make me miss what im going to experience the 'now'. If it is important then it shall be now. Or ill be aiming with bulleyes bullet in nearest future. If it is not important than it can be later or neglected.

Easier said than done. But yea. So long you have aim, seek and try... you are going distance.

Me vs the beach

Arrived safely and as usual, for such rushed trip, lacking of sleep's days are expected. Joanne Tan my forever - roomie fetched me from airport and off we went for lunch and checked into Holiday Inn Batu ferringi right after. We were so happy with our room, damn good views of partial mountain and sea. Toilet and everything looked well and clean. It was close to perfect. If only i could witness stars at night...

 I spent the whole day with her. We walked and without fail, talk a lot... the long beach walk at evening, night market and we had a great environment fed good dinner with superior customer line services. Fine dining way.Super expensive but worth to go again. People shop for tou sah pia in penang, i shopped for xmas cookies there. Cant help it le. Chika the staff sold me his courtesy and i bought it.

Dear Joanne, having the same names meaning whenever people call out joanne, we both see the same direction. However we just hardly use the name to each other. Haha. U made feel at home again. The extreme comfort being with you, seeing your difficulty in packing bags and indecisive in purchasing goods got me Lol.
Miss every quirkiness we had and your never failing to scold me to shut me up when i got too loud. I wish you well love. I really dont mind coming up yearly just to make sure you and other favourites here are doing fine and heathly living n experiencing life. With or without me. Great fulfilling day with u love.

Day two was a lot of delaying in timing and unexpected stuffs happen. But mostly good and we manage it. Breakfast at holiday inn sucks but once you were placed at your seat and view the whole ocean before you while eating away the breakie, everything was worth it.
I got to see a cat shit into the sandhole it created, 1m away which totally spoiled my favourite moment of letting my feet drag along the seashore. Damn.
I got to video of a pegion sneaking on human table eating the leftover wasted by human. Yea... i forgotten birds are omnivors. I just didnt know that they like scramble eggs and ham over noodles.

We went to gurney as i wished to shop for watches. I got to see rm30k watches to rm700 watches.... which got me slightly imbalance. I think i have elevated my preference in highend watches again. And it will be some years before i can own a piece that really satisfy me. So, with a heavy heart i decided to forgo the purchase. Then I saw another brand of purse i aim to purchase. Price fall out of my expectation and i walked away feeling super down. Roomie just knew right away that i was unhappy. Haha. I love how she can tell. That was how you hold a dearest spot in my heart. Anyway. I didnt left empty handed. Haha... i got to bump into Channel boutique shoplot and bought the latest no.5 series 50ml perfume. :)
Merry xiang xmas joanne :) If only time permits, i could have my 2nd godiva ice cream dy.... oh well.

Checked into Pearlview hotel instead of Ixora hotel due to overspent these few days. But i rather be sleeping rm300 a night than spending little for such upset room again. Ive seen better offer for a 3 stars hotel room and the one at pearlview was pathetic. Perhaps thats the reason why you shouldnt down grade purchase or any choices to be exact unless you are certain of the reason why you choose otherwise in the 1st time. Ill definitely give it a bad review.

I have my minimum items with me. Not even hair dryer which i have forgotten to expect that there is no hair dryer at a 3 start hotel at pearlview of which not in my planing in the 1st place. Haiz. So with minimum make up, lousy hairdo, no push up bra and allergy strikes (bad skin) and mismatch heels and painful feet, i went to the wedding with no expectation. Just wish to greet the bridegroom and wifey and see some long lost faces of NTLP kakis.

Happy to see all of them doing well. When i saw siewwin spotting me, i ran to her like i saw my lover. Haha... she is one of the lover ofcuz. Good old times. She gave the best tightest hug ever. 
Managed to see faces that i wish to see. Done some unexpected stuff and fulfilled some wishlist. 
So Penang, you and I we have some amazing journey together. You store alot of our best memories.

3rd day now and im waiting for my Hooiling to settle her function and fetch me to airport. Blogging at mcd while waiting. Potential crush called in and we had a 30min sweet sweat talk. Hooiling fetched me by 11am and we went to queensbay mall for lunch. English western restaurant. By 1.30pm she n her bf sent me to air port. Im glad we manage to catch up. Among all 3 gals, she is the least i talk with. Doesnt mean i care any less.

3 hours of sleep kinda weaken me abit. Old dy. Those were the days that i could go a day without sleep and spend the next day singing karaoke. Many years back.

Back to back journey is tiring man.
After today, there will be 2 more working days b4 i fly off to sarawak with another joanne wong. :)

This penang trip is a bit rush and timing with gf is a bit off. Its never enough any way. I just further realize whom i prioritize more. 
Weird how im bestie with each individual gal but they are not besties with each other. Hmmp. Gotta make them group up soon. 

Skin allergy is bad everytime im outstation. 
Hopeless sickness. 
But it is all worth it.

Though my love life hasnt been too kind,
I have other blessing to count on.
Distance does blurred the certainty however
Effort changes the outcome.
It melts away time. It brings back memories.

Till we meet again.
Miss you already.
Safe flight to me :)

Kuching trip 8th to 12th december 16.
Another pair of besties journey.
Our 1st together.
Damn. Y do i feel like i was just being dump and im recuperating by traveling places with bff while mending broken heart?

When will it be our 1st trip together?
When can u make up your mind so that we could move on together or seperately so we could still be best of friends?

When will your enough be as my enough?
Such a waste im not a published and acknowledged poet/author.

Off to boarding. Adios.

Thursday, 10 November 2016

Thursday Date.

If i die today,
Will you regret about the things you wish you could tell me? Chances you never wanna take?

Would you wonder if it is worth it to live a life with so much doubts and uncertainties?

Would you decide otherwise and not to waste time?
Or would you still think you need more time?

There are a lot of things i dont understand.
But no point clarifying if we are going no where.
I guess i just got from difficult to complicated.
Maybe i dont worth it.

So much of principles huh?

You gotta take the good with the bad.

Funny how we discuss about it again.
I never thought i can. We did it twice.
It hurts like hell. Lol. Silly silly us.
Foolish me.
Thanks for not letting the awkwardness catch up.

I guess we have reach a mutual agreement.
We will be okay.

Trolls is fun. Thanks for taking the risk to be nonsensefied by the movie. Pretty good selection of songs.

Happiness is not something you find. It is inside you. Sometimes you just need someone to find it.

Branch. Poppy

Happiness is an inside job.

Sunday, 6 November 2016

Dear November.
Pls be over soon.
In fact 2016. Pls be over soon.

Im looking forward to a great December and a better ending of year compared with last year.

Pls grant me some joy and hope to cross over a much better year.

29 doesnt sound so treathening does it?


Set me free.

Saturday, 29 October 2016

Shower Rain : Relapse.

Tear streams as shower rains.
As heavy as they could.
As silent as they could.
Clinging each other as droplet falls.
Finding solace in somber embrace.

Raw and nude as ever be.
Body and soul.
Heart versus mind.
Yearning for closure.
Seeking none.

Nobody should ever know.
Nobody should ever bother.
Because the flaw is mine.
One too many to decipher.
Not whole to begin with.
Not yours to begin with.

Emotions they ran free.
Wild and chaotic.
Shameless and unforgiving.
Forcing its way out from misery.
Feed on craze and delusion.

Low as the depth of the ocean floor.
Dark, ugly and brusied.
There you see me fallen and despair.
Rise for certain in due time.
Stronger than ever you shall find.

While time may be not kind.
Memories shall fades in time.
Another storey ends hanging.
Only future holds the truth.

Set the rain falls hard as it can be.
Washes away doubts and grief.
Days will turns into months.
There you find me rise once more.


Its okay.
Its a good release.
But i wonder due what reason.
Have i decided to walk away again?
Do i wanna?

I think mostly i was devastated not because i have an ending to the matter.
Its because i always have to seek a way to walk out from it.

So that things can go back to normal.
At least it can be applied to others.

I dreamt about you today.
Nothing fancy. As usual.
Always a distance in between.

Oct pls be away soon.

Friday, 28 October 2016

2nd week since.

My eyes' bags got bigger and im getting blinder too.
Guess it is time to get a new spectacles and send out more wrong vibe to others.
I appear even strict and bitchy with glasses.
Sigh. Good also ba. A strong disguise.
So that people will just stay away.
Im happy with the people i know now.
I dont really wish to enlarge my circle of friends.
If i happen to have the rotten ones within the exsiting bunch, then consider myself unlucky.

Photos taken today.
It was super early (for me) and i was super sleepy and my eyes are super tired. Damn. Someone told me that eye bags are sexay. Haha... that cheer up my day. 

Yesterday was our 2nd time outing in 2 weeks after the open negotiation on our relationship.
I still dont know what im doing and how do i carry on with it. 

Are we still on testing term?
Or bff outing? Either way i am fine with both.
I am happy being with you. I really am. At least when i am with you, i know i am being with someone who care and enjoy my presence. You treat me well. I appreciate it. 
Who likes me but not enough to go further. 

Although i really do mind about not knowing how to label my self as best friend or more than friend but not lover... there is nothing else i can do. I hate it when people persuade me into something i dislike. Like wise i hate to persuade another person to do anything for me. If anyone should, he should do it willingly.

If this relationship shall proceed, it must be from his certainty. I hope i will still be there waiting.
Fyi, there are rules for in-between kinda relationship. 
But im definitely opening up chances.
My loyalty is expensive. Its intimate and very deary to me. Something delicate and its the only thing i have for the worthy one. I will hold back. 
It is not that im not willing to give or that im expecting a return goodwill. 

Im afraid to go too far and fall too hard and perhaps this time there wont be any saviour.
I dont wanna lose hope.
Hoping that the reservoir of holding back and faith is sufficient to mend broken heart and try again.
Seriously im very tired. 

You know, i have never been lucky in this kinda matter. Perhaps it was due to some wishes granted with traded lucks. There were desperate time wen i did pray. For my dog and my mom. I prayed for their recovery and times like this i trade with my number of living years and my happiness... things i thought i wouldnt mind losing at least for the loved one, i am willing to trade.

Everyone is afraid of getting hurt. But if i was destined to be hurt, at least i was hurt by a good man and for the entire existence of the relationship was base on nothing but sincerity and truth.
Ultimately perhaps it was worth it.

No one will have an answer for the future and no one can guaranteed forever. 
No one is ever ready.
One often fails and continue to fail cuz one cant surrender to own ego.
We are afraid of failures.
We dont believe.
We cant let go.

I used to believe that there is always someone better. Something better. Further. Future. More. Extra... N years ago.

Like a bee who collects honey. It flies to one flower to another... a selection that will never ends.
Failing to know that the best do not exist.
Compatibility might not either.

Its about the right thing happen on the right time.
By chance or by will.
An exhange of wants and needs.
A lot of understanding.
A lot of compassion.
A lot of compromise.
A lot of love.

The moment you said it was not enough, i guess i am lacking of a lot of The A Lot. 

Thank you for bringing the Thai gifts pack. The whole bag of food and goodies. My goodness. I didnt expect that at all. I was only asking a new water bottle cuz apparently you will keep pester on me not being able to drink 1 litter of water per day.

The banana cake is special but nothing beat this passport holder. 
It has my name imprinted on it. Awhhhh...
When i really like something i wont be able to hold my excitement. And it has a cat there too. Damn!
It was warming to know that it was a DIY gift and everything of it was hand picked by you.

Very touched.
I sound like im easy to please right? 
Gosh. Im pathethic.

Did i have intimidating eyes today?
Why are you avoiding my sights?


What should I do? 

Sunday, 23 October 2016

Weird how it seems random quotes in FB somehow sense 
My emotion.



Friday, 21 October 2016

Curtain close?

16 Oct 2016

Tws wedding with his beloved wifey.
One that i have been waiting for.
Great reunion with some familiar faces and some favourite companion.

If only i could hand pick those that i love to be with on the same table. But some of them hate each other...  why are people being so difficult to each other?

I would be lying if i say that i wasnt expecting 
Mr Crush to initate a sweet fetching. But he didnt.
Why saturday and not sunday?
Because Sunday has another lady's presence? Avoiding complication?
Or what?
What is with the hot and cold presence?

Thats when i got the answer.
The oddest way.
The unexpected way.
And the entire truth.

It started with a white lie which i took it bad.
You asked me if there is still trust between us? 
I was challenged if i could ever trust again.
Then i question on what trust we base on?
As friend? As best friend? As potential crush?
I dont know what we have.
One thing led to another and the beans were spilled.

I cried, a little... disclosing and knowing the truth because what i have doubted were all true. This was what i was escaping from.
Knowing that i was right after all and yet i cant bring myself to face it.

My instinct was right. 
But im glad i was brave enough to bring it out.

It was by chance and i didnt mean to clarify it at all.
I have hinted many times and the way you avoid these hints already tell me enough.

That subject alone took 10 effing months to lift it off my chest. I guess from my blog you could trace back all the heartache. Excluding those which are too emotional and they end up being deleted. 

 Im dissapointed that i was the one who bring up the matter. This will be something i remember for a long time. 

So it was mutual. I wasnt day dreaming or having some fucking illusion. My confidence was shaken and deteriorated along the years due to misjudgements... thus i cant be sure.

And No, This time it was proven that i was right.
But what good does it bring. 
So i was right?
What now?

It was just not enough to get it started. It was a long night chat. It wasnt a comfortable night.
Im glad you have taken the initiative to talk it out face to face the next day because i would have avoided it all. Funny how.
This was the 1st time i was placed in this hot seat and im surprised on how well and steady ive handled it. 

I thought i would bawl out or remain total silence throughout the conversation. I dont know if i could talk and speak my mind. I have the tendency to get teary.

Honestly saying, i never thought i could do it verbally because i didnt know if one will care or ever listen.

There were a few moment i thought i couldnt hold it in anymore and your sincerity to listen almost got me chocked up. Im glad that my big eyes didnt betrayed me. And when the eyes didnt, my voice start shaking. Haha... how come all my nervous system somehow didnt work in coordination that day? So this is how it is when it comes to love matters? Being blind? Being uncoordinate? Being bipolar?

Good is not enough. Almost is never enough. All i have is just not enough.
Good is just bonus. Maybe by comparison i wasnt as perfect as your ex. A glimps of similarity between she and i got me questioning. Am i a replacement for her? Did u like me because i somehow resemble her?

I questioned myself many times the same thing before i decided to wait for your action. 
I was very certain against all the odds that i wasnt a replacement. And everything else doesnt matter.
Or maybe not.

Coming from your place with rough patches and my understanding of you overall made me fully aware of your condition. I respect your decision and answer. That doesnt mean i could accept being a second choice.

The delayed decision made me feel like im returning to last year's misery. 
A lot of guessing game.
A lot of argument. A lot of empty promise.
A lot of fake illusion and wrong perception.
I was in a really bad place.
Its like im yearning for decision and im being denied.
I feel so hopeless.
It hurts my ego.

For all you know, this ego got me through hell.
But for you, i betray it and I swallow my pride.
I never know how to let go and be more normal but i tried. And i try a little more. Have a little more faith and trust a little more.

Because there is something in you that make me believe that you could be entrusted. Unlike others. 
But entrusment is subjective.
For you, position to clarify truth is also important.
Clearly you have alerted me on my position.

Do i deserve this? Why am i enduring this time to time? Do i have problems?
Perhaps i dont worth it?
My good is not good enough.

There is no way we can tell how this is going to end and there is nobody who could promise forever.

I didnt know that i was that comitted until today. It appears that i was sweet talking you in. But no.
I wasnt talking you into this agreement. I respected your thinking cuz that assured me that you are not fooling around. You are looking for a forever. 
But will your forever guaranteed me an eternity?
A promise to uphold our relationship above all, never to cheat and always be loving?

I cant be certain of that. 
Trust is built overtime.
Not by way of confessing.

I choose to believe that if you can, by all means you will never try to hurt me and that you would give me the sense of security that im lacking of. I truly think you're a good person.
Because i only fall for a good man. Ofcourse the charm, the manner and etc etc. Hmmp.

What you could be certain of, of me is my ultimate loyalty. You can be assured that you would get the priority when it comes to timing and decision making. The phone calls. The emotional intimacy and values sharing. It wont be tested until you do me wrong. If you know me good enough, you should know that I pick up vibe easily and im overly sensitive towards changes, senses and all. 

I only expect your equal loyalty and whole truth.
Whatever you could bring to the table is bonus.

I dont know if you could ever love me the way i wanted it. Despite of everything you have learnt over the past relationship, im of different time zone and class. Im a new subject. I am hard to love. I yearn for assurance. Im afraid to be happy. Can you handle me?

All these are just words. Again how could you be certain? For the past one year how do you see me? Do you believe what you've seen? Have you seen the best of me? The worst of me? On what i could offer? Have you see the entire truth of me? Can you accept my flaws?
How do you know? How do you judge?

Apparently you cant or you had seen enough. Thats why i was denied. Or delayed?

What about me on you?
Can i believe everything i know about you is the entire you? I see you letting go bit by bit slowly entrusting me. That gave me a sign of progress. Im happy with the progress. What i like about you are they of certain? Would i be able to accomodate to your flaws? Are there still things about you that i should know but not seen?

You were brave enough to mark your presence. Despite my bitchiness and the 9 feet tall's ice walls, you manage to see it through. By luck or by effort. We end up being close. Perhaps it was kindness effort gone haywired. It was suppose to be a rescue mission but end up as a trap. Now we both stuck.

I really think it takes two joint effort to make a long lasting fwenship/relationship.
You have to fight for it.
You have to respect it.
You have to try to stay true.
And when problems happen we try to fix it.
We try to communicate and hold nothing back.

Against all odd.
Against all other fanciness.
One stays loyal to another.

I didnt know that i could be so vulnerable with you.
You empowered me to disclose the dark side, the well kept heartfelt and my thoughts. They were complicated but everything spilled out that day was somehow clear. I was clear. Mostly because you care to listen.

A lot of time i keep everything to myself because you didnt make me feel that i could give you the privilege. The passage to my dark side. Things i dont wish people to see because they dont have to. And if they do, would they still stay? Will they judge? Will they care? Those who mind doesnt matter. Those matters never mind.

I have nothing for you.
I just have myself.
That is all i got.
Im a lot lacking.
I dont know how capable i am to love someone.
I guess ill never know.

This assigment is new. Everyone has own topic to covers and they have different lecturer and guidence. Incomparable.
I dont want to fail but i would never know if im the right materials to excel in this assignment.
I promise to try on my best effort. Im scared too. Being new attempting new subject out of my comfort zone. I am insecure too. I have no confidence.

If my tutor are willing to accept me after some accessment, does it mean that this could somehow work out?
But if my tutor took me in under his wing but already see me failing what chance do i stand?
No matter what i do, i am not sufficient.
Then why accept me in the first place?

I dont know much.
But I do know that i could love someone enough to walk away if loving me is so difficult, that choosing me is such a difficult decision, that wanting me is an uncertainty.
All i know is that i care of your feeling more than mine. It is always easier to mend own broken heart than else one. I have a way with burrying bad memories and hurts. I just need to stay alert and dont let them come to haunt me.

I would love someone enough to hurt myself to make the decision someone couldnt make.
I would care enough even if it kills me inside to make someone else's life better.
It is not that i couldnt wait. It is the doubts that i cant withstand. 
I too have decision making problem.
Im often indecisive.

You could have choose someone special and better shall you wait and see further ahead. 

One day, the right person will pass by and by instinct you would know that she is the one. One that will not make you hold back anymore. One that you dont need a year of accessment. One that you wont hurt by delaying your decision.

Future awaits and no one will know what it brings.

I wish this loop of misery will die off soon. 
I dont know how many more times my heart can take it. I already started to be afraid of being happy and trying to fall for someone because what it leads to often is misery.
It has been a curse.
This is my loop.

I already try by being difficult.
By being cold. Being nasty. Being ego. Being strong headed. Being independent. Being sexist.
I guess i should just declare that im gay.

How do i end this?
What should i do?
What i already know now cant be unknown.

Should i remember or should i forget?

Ive been foolish.
But i know that you did try.
You did.
Did you try enough?
Did i want enough?

Will i still want this?
Will you still try?
Should i wait?
Can i still trust?

Because i would always wonder and worry if you would like me enough. Could you? Would i be able to tell? By the time you are ready, will i still be borthered by what had happenned?

Thank you for everything. I am a happier person knowing you. I am a better person with your value sharing. What i am certain of is your sincerity and kindness to me when we are spending time together. I cherish them a lot :)

When it was almost certain.
The doubt revisits. 
You and I.

I need a break.
Worry not. I'll be okay.
This is not the 1st but hopefully the last heart torment ill ever face. 

You deserve better.
Promise to be happy always. Shall i choose to walk away, it should only because you would be happier and gain somehing someone better. Make it worthwhile.

You're a wonderful friend and i worship it above all.

Safe flights.
I wish you well :)

See u in a week.