Saturday, 30 September 2017

A very unwell plan of date.
I dont like rushing doing anything.
But so long i am with you i guess im okay.

So long you are okay and by my side. I'll be happy.
I like it when you sing to me. Cuz that is when i know that you are comfortable and relax.

We did a lot of unexpected things today.
Since we were late for our 2pm movie thus we sneak into 2.30 pm slot which happened to be just opposite room and thank god for the pre-enter visual board which allows us to view the room beforehand.

Lets not do this all the time okay dear...
Or we will continue not to be on time ya.

Thanks for making my day wonderful love.
Meeting my expectation and being so attentive.

We kissed for the 1st time. And i wish you would never leave me without a kiss for future dates onwards. :)

Continue to break our barriers.
Melts ours years and anxiety away.

You gave me a lovely 5 hours companionship.
And i miss it already.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Unoffically official.

Complicated.... my god. It takes years to make me understand the meaning of complicated in a relationship.

I used to ask why would people put complicated in their relationship status. On means on. Single means single. What is complication means?

I think i kinda have a late puberty? The period officially came in form 2 but it seems my innocence or perhaps stupidity vs ignorance kinda took longer time to evolve...


He called me his gf. While he called him as my bf.
I guess it takes a lot of courage for him to do so.
It doesnt make my heart leaps out wanting to shout out loud that he is finally mine.
I suppose it was because we has been emotionally so close and was in this courtship long before the label. Thus it seems just mediocre at the moment.
So this is the feeling when one call you theirs?
Perhaps we are still very new. And the fact that im elder...

No doubt the sincerity is there. And it feels so much sweeter to talk to each other now. Lets just see how it unfolds.

As much as i have wished to see this coming into a realization, I am always prepare to see one walks away. I am not afraid to see them choose the latter. I am just annoyed to have them hang on too long in my life.

Dont disappoint me again.
Let's explore.

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Pbb 2017 Annual Dinner #cosplay


51st Anniversary of PBB Southern Region Annual Dinner.

As usual. Got my best gal colleague as hotel roomie.

Another 2 males colleague at another hotel.

Having had a very unsatisfactory make up done by a MUA last year, i decided to DIY myself this year. And it is 100% better than last year's outcome.

Had a terrible OCD moment with which dress to go with. I had a very grand navy blue dress which really compliments my figure but i eventually let go for this black chic 3/4 jump suit.

Reason being i have to participate the dinner without a plus one, not having a masculine partner to hold me around when i need support. 
With my imbalance composure (gravity hates me),
I suppose it is wise to dress down-to-earth a little.
And i have nobody to impress. Thus let's keep the dress for another year. Bought in year 2012. Hmmppp. It was so so close...

The sampatness and damn model pose failed ...

When make up done right, obviously selfie time is needed. And because nobody ever get my picture right... either because im never comfortable with someone taking my solo photo or that nobody see me the way i see myself thus only selfie of mine captures my best angle.

Bravo JC. I guess i can do more and it will only gets better. Pretty much all were there except for fake eye lashes which i hate most. 

Entire length view. Oh yea... the hair.. god. So messed up. My hair and i have the worst body to owner relationship. They hate me. They never stay in shape no matter what i do with it.

Had most of my favourite people around me. 
Same place similar faces. Glad to have you all around. Derrick is missing.

Wefie is a must. Because asking stranger to take our photo is definitely a risk. And i think wefie better reflect our relationship.

My private security.

Bank celebrate another year of success. While us celebrate another year of employment. A nice night to dress up and show up. 
To be present and to hang out with nice colleagues.

I won a table lucky draw too. Rm50 aeon vouchers per table mate.... for once i got lucky.

After a long night, i got a date to watch a highly anticipated movie 'IT' with him.
Midnight slot and it was a super duper long movie. 2.15 hour long creppy movie.

He dislike it very much. 3/10.

He asked for my comment.

I never regret any movie i watch.
I will only regret the date i chose to watch movie with.

I didnt hate the movie and i dont regret watching it. It still freaks me out as a horror/thriller dark movie.

So it serves its purpose.
And i got a private 3 hours with you.
Though it was a little too cold and was a little too late a date but i wouldnt mind to do it again. But preferably dont end by 3am again.
We were so close yet so far. Why are you so distance.

We are in a delaying position againt arent we?


The next day 4 of us walked around Melaka town.
Didnt manage to do what was planned last minute but manage to still hav a good time. Good laugh.

Weekend well spent.

Thank god for my annual leave.

Im off monday :)

Monday, 4 September 2017

I kept chocking on water.
I wonder why.
I guess water and i have a love hate relationship.
Those were the days i hate pills cuz i thought i chocked on pills.
Now i finally realized it is water that i chock on with.
No wonder y i never really thirsty no matter what hour or day.

If water will get me chocking. Cock x payah say la... haha

Now this scares me lol.


So north korea testing nuclear power again?!
So when do u guys wanna launch world war 3?
If he is gotta start something funny guess which country the man wanna bomb 1st?

Nway. Wherever he aim to bomb. Many of us will eventually died. Haha... so it kicks off my senses to write sumthing again. FB memory remind me today in year 2011 i wrote a piece of article about my performance journey in ukm and The Star newspaper was kind enough to have it published.
Such a boost to my writting talent. ..... tsk tsk.

We are all temporary people.
Human we dont get to own anything in the world.
Really. You thought you bought a house. That piece of land belongs to you. So? It will be passed on to whom? So you get to reproduce. But i dont plan to get my genetic flows into the vast already broken genetic pools out there. How long basically you think u can live in this whole damn world? 100 years max right?
How many out of 10 of us can by pass even 50 yrs old?

We will never know. If only we know when is our final day, would you be happier? Would you do things sooner? Would you say the things you wish you would say?
So i dont know when is my final day.
But im not dying. So im wasting everyday of my life wondering why things are happening to me?
Why am i being tangled in such complicated relationship?
Why am i so stubborn fighting on?

One year and another wasted wanting to go somewhere but end up wishing it could be done and thinking something or someone will come up and that it would be planned otherwise.
Mother fucker joanne. Wake up!!!

Wake up!!

Sometimes i pity myself. But many a times i just hate myself for allowing these to happen.
I am what i eat. I am what i do.
Surrounding n family factors are one thing but mostly im just pathetically self pitying tired soul.

I dont appear as one seriously.
I only sound like a attention craving bitch and non self worthy crying baby in my blog.
It's an open blog. But yea... i dont see many people come to pampare me after many post anyway. So i have been abandoned. Haha...

Well well.

I cried so much these few days. Im really done being a haggard soul.
Lets start 2morow blues with a bang.
Start by dressing well. Put on the most vibrant killer smile and push my chin up.

When im emotional. I am a self torture kinda person.
I dont eat well. Too much. I dont sleep. I cant sleep.
I dont talk. I dont wanna. I waste time.
So i waste time.

How much more do i have?
Kinda a wake up call right?

Be tough gal.
The key to own happiness shall always be enplaced on your own hand. Hand the power to someone else and your life is done.

Be well. Us.
Be strong. Us.
Together or seperately.

Its okay. It will be okay.

Friday, 1 September 2017

My heart ache knowing you teared up from the other side of the phone while i teared up here knowing i cant do anything to make you feel better.

I dont know what to say or what i could do.
I will never know if it is wise to let you indulge in missing her, that it will get you through these days or to keep distracting you to keep you preoccupied with other stuffs will do better.

This is a major self recupperating lost only you can fix. I promise to stay put until you slowly regain composure. You will never be the same. But that is not the reason you use to be hopeless in life.

You dont give up in life untill she wants it back.
She didnt gave you life just to see you waste it lifelessly without her.

Life itself is short.
Take it. Use it.

I dont know why it hurt me so much to see you like this. Perhaps because knowing how it hurts reminds me how bad it was 4 yrs back when i lost my baby dog. Knowing everyday i pray for my baby to move on. Pray that he wont miss me and dont come back and stay put just to suffer. Let me suffer. You go to better place. I will live till the day i can see you again.

It was just words i used to comfort myself.
I blame myself everyday until the day i manage to forget it. Like a slot in my memory for that 10 years totally erased. I know i cant go on living with lost.
It takes months or years to do that. I dont know when it happened. But i moved on in a bad shape.

I wish you could blame me for wanting you to go out that very night. If it wasnt because of me, the night incident might have another ending.
I wonder if you ever see me and having that thoughts playing in your head.
Im really sorry love.
I made you suffer this decision.
You will forever be troubled with this decision.
Its my fault.

I really dont know what to do to make things better other than giving you enough time to regain your control in life. Time is the only cure but time is also very cruel.
I dont know what will be the most perfect duration to recover and what can be done.
Im sorry for asking too much from you.
My only intention is pick u up and your well being...
I didnt mean to push or rush you and expect you to stand right up immediately.
Im so sorry

Im not in the right position to say much or to want you do anything for now.
Please do know that i care and i dont know why i take it as hard as you.
I dont understand myself very much too.
I guess i care too much.
That is what i am afraid of.

Take all the times you want.
I will not force you anymore.
Come what may. If this is meant to be it will be.
But do know everything that happen between us and you, i care deeply.
It's genuine and my aching heart cant lie.

Please be strong for your family.
Your siblings are being strong for you and her.
No matter what happen, you can always confine in me. Please be well. For her. Dont hurt yourself.
I love you.