Thursday, 24 April 2014

When I look into the photo of me & my baby, (if I ever manage to lay my eyes on one as I have been blurring my vision especially when I need to scroll back previous photos) I see another girl with him. Very unfamiliar sight. 
I'm not trying to be dramatic. She was a sad girl but she wasn't alone. When she is sad, she finds him and he gives all he could for her. Baby he cant talk but his eyes convinced her not to give up hope.
Now I look into a mirror I saw a sad reflection & I was alone. It's so difficult to see beyond that.
I have to face every difficulty myself. I lost my comfort & pillar of strength.
Maybe someone like me don't deserve a good soul like him. After all, he has given me a good 12 years of
companionship. During a time I don't have my very best to give him more than I could. 
I made many many wrong decision inclusive time when he suffers in old age. Until today I wonder whether
letting him go was a wise choice?
I just feel so surreal to live my life without him. It's like for the past 5 months I was living lifelessly. I return home for no reason.

Every being of my fiber miss him badly. My yearning to hug him grow every insomnia night.
The warm & fuzzy hugs, the hairs on my lips when I kiss him on his head and nose. The manja things I did on him, the tricks that we played... the good old times.

I love you Choy Choy. I hope every tear that I shed pay you good wishes in afterlife. There is nothing else I could offer. Please stay in my heart forever.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

I guess I'm not made to deal with any of these feeling. 
It was one fine night when she talked shit I wished I didn't argued back. Her extreme practice of stuff kind pushed me to a point break emotionally. I wish that she was just a nobody so I could walk out on her as I wish. She was not wrong not entirely right & that made me so hating her attitude. 

Again she want to put the blame on me for doing the things I love, things I'm positively vulnerable on. 
She assists me in a way I thought I got a silent approval to proceed & out of a sudden she push the red button again. So to shut her mouth to ever blame me on it again, I chased the kitty away. 
Kitty has been asking for too much of attention that I could ever provide & it's too much for her to bear with. 

When too much goes beyond, I got to be blamed. Selfishly, I just wanna feed kitty cuz my family is food wasters. So why waste when I could use it for better reason. I wish to play with it only when I wishes to cuz I wouldn't take any pet in now, so long that she is alive or only  when I buy my own house, stay alone so that whatever I do is none of her business. 

So I chased Kitty away hopefully kitty could be smart enough only to come to eat & don't make so much of noise bad enough to be forbidden of foods. 
The next night I came back late again, prepared the food & went out to seek for Kitty. She was always around since I started feeding her. :( But she wasn't there. I went out twice but she was not around.

Today is the second day she disappeared. She said the whole street of cats are missing. It rarely happens. 
That sudden disappearance & lost got me startled again. 

That feeling is very awful & I hated it when it strike. & prior to her missing, I chased her away against my will. 

When we argued that night, she repeated those history stuff again, toughing the forbidden subject again.
I lost it. Why does she always love making me cry. For goodness sake! She always have to keep me guessing & questioning was it love or responsibility that keep me staying?
All of these years, if must be she who is capable of making me sad & sorrowful. 

Gosh. I really miss my baby. :'( Help me heal. Help me get through this! 

Sometimes I'm glad I have this demanding job cuz it keeps my mind off my personal stuff. I just need to focus on the work & everything else comes second. 
I was so good at it, my boss stood up for me when someone wanna shoot me. You and your selfishness can't bring me down. TQ boss. I have faith in you so don't betray me so long I don't fail you. 

Wherever the kitty is, I hope she is fine. She deserve good home & caring owner. Just a little too sticky. 
I would still preserve my love towards animals. Until the right time comes. My neighbour's 2 hyper active poodles loves my attention. That kinda helps.

 I wish I could tell somebody how not OK I am. But it never escape my mouth whenever I feel like it. It seems that they have more stories to tell & mine will just be too dark & they need me to listen rather than talk. Thus to even out, I would just stay home, hide & turn down offer to go out.

Oh well, it dies here.