I have a lot of thoughts. These unsaid words are yearning to be unleashed but find no attention. 

I was trying my best not to think, relax & really shut down communication as it further excite my creativity of phrasing thoughts. 

My mind sometimes will act on its own against my will. It seems to have malfunctioned or that it has its own life whereby it speaks for itself, generating ideas & phrasing thoughts. Most of the time those stuff are really brilliant but depressing. 

Tonight it found a channel & it found its listener. 

Somehow. 

Today is the last prayer prior to my grandpa 100th day after his passing. 

3 months & counting. The family, 30 of us (representative of each son & daughters) went to Nirvana Memorial @ Semenyih to complete the service. I being a free thinker questions stuffs, I left them unheard. Not necessary. I do whatever I could to make everyone feel comfortable. It's not wrong. Anything that could possibly be done to make my grandpa feel at ease I would.

I guess it was period, I blamed it on period. 

I was very emotional these few days. Yesterday was unbearable. 

Since my dog passed away, I tried to stay focus & alert most of the time cuz I don't wanna let the the hollowness get the better of me. 

Sometimes I just couldn't. I would cry in complete silence. I wish I could just bawl out. These tears seek no comfort thus, nobody should see them. I was hugging my pillow while sleeping last night, I suddenly missed hugging my dog having his head rest on my chest. He would rest & let me hold him until he got restless. 

 I am trying my level best to find peace. I don't know how to deal with it. 

There must be a way! I wish there is an easier way. Nobody should ever feel this pain of loss. I can't move on like this as I couldn't emotionally attach to anyone this close anymore. 

To spell out every detail of the hell I've been through these few months are just too much for me to share.

Overwhelmingly hard. I tried, some volunteered, some shut me down completely. 

Ignorance is bliss. Some practices that.

I am exceptionally grateful to those I've found comfort with be it intentionally initiated myself or completely genuine offers from others. Having said that, I am also very disappointed for only in time of needs we can see who would or wouldn't be there for you. I'm sad that one of them is you. You chose to shut me out completely. Why only now? But thank you cuz I already knew why.

 *

The Penang trip was meant as an escape. A freedom granted by my baby, I left with no longing, utterly ignoring all things & head to Penang; To find comfort.

Purposely arranged a lonesome one day stay by the beach but I somehow give in to my gfs company. I need them around. Believe it or not, I hate myself crying. I will try my possible best not to cry & having a company will help. I knew Siew Win was expecting me to share out as she already knew what has happened. 

We shared deep thoughts & secrets which reminds me her importance to me. 

I sat at my hotel balcony which faced partial sea view at about 11.30pm. Finally some stars after a short drizzle rain. I was reminded that my dog has already left me for a whole complete month. 13/11/2013 - 13/12/2013. How organized things came out naturally when you least or no plan for it at all. 

I made wishes, I called his name by heart, I cried for a good 30 minutes whiles texting Yonlek who thankfully has been with me & endure for the past 1 month. Siew Win being smart & understanding gave me room to cry cuz she knew if she came to me, I wouldn't be able to release it all. She knew me too well. Not to forget Hooi Ling & Joanne Tan. They kept my sanity in check for a good 4 days.

* 

Tomorrow should be a happy day. It was a day I anticipated & I was the 1st to say yes for another Xmas gathering for PT dancer group prior to my dog's death.

I officially declined it yesterday to many's surprise. Well, they shouldn't be. 

After much thought, I really think I should stay off from this gathering. I'm not sure if it was for their benefit or that I'm just completely selfish. A gathering of new updates, joy & love. What I have now is just complete sorrow & death news. How do I update them? To keep silence? To tell out & cast an awkward spell during Xmas spirit? I couldn't. I wouldn't. I love them too much to do so. I know I might have think too much but as much as it is against my will, I choose to absence from this gathering. If you can't understand this, then you may continue not to.

Perhaps, I'm not ready to face attention just yet. I'm not ready to forget & forgive, most definitely not ready to let go. 

2 weeks to go to year 2014. I only wish to stay calm & problem free. I don't think I can take in another blow, at least not in this year anymore. 

Year 2013 had me near brink of suicidal. 3 lost. Too much a heartbreak. I won't miss you one bit.