Sunday, 23 April 2017

Dear love.

It has been 1 week. And yesterday it feels like you again.
It feels natural but im not sure if you're faking it to appear fine and okay.

It hope you are stable. Cuz it makes me feel better.
I always feel like im talking to 3 different human when he is actually just you.
The face to face you.
The on the phone you.
The texting you.

Each of you give me a different feeling.
They are all good.
Haha... like im dating a man with 3 personalities....
Huhu.... how spooky neh.

I guess it suits me with my own 3 precious personality too. Haha... how crazy.

He knows about it. He knows about it long b4.
Our story goes wat back right babe? Since year end 2015 i supposed.

Wow... how time passed!
I still havent really shake off the 1st image i had of you. You were passing through the alley infront of gilbert's room with the red shirt. How lansi.

Skinny medium height boy quite charming from my seat view. Super young. Aiks... another didi.

Then u gone MIA for course 2 weeks.
No thanks to the Epoh trip and the spell kinda take over. The rest was history.

Fast forward back to yesterday.
It feels like us again.
I feel relieved. I wish this incident made you a stronger man and not the other way round.
Most importantly not to give up on life.
The way u assured me was everything.
Even if whatever we have gotta change, i want the very best for you and it shall only get better in time.

Anything you need to get you there i will assist.
It is no brainer on that matter.

Dear love.

I had 2 unsent gift for u. One was back in year 2016 december. One is from today.
I wonder how i would hand it over to you.
But i guess it would be just a matter of time.
After that incident it further assure me that i should just do what i want. And not holding back. This urgency has always been in my mind cuz i dont see myself having the luxury of procastinate years ahead.

** If i had to leave b4 i hand over to you. Pls claim it from my mom in Joshua.

But i was always more concern towards other 's well being that i rather hold back for their comfort. This time i wont.

What we have is complicated.
I dont like it. Complication has been a norm in my life and i hate it so much i no longer need more of it from anyone or any situation.

Thats y i appear simple and to an extend of being thoughtless. When i was living and breathing thoughts, you were not here in my life yet dearest.
You dont know me yet. You would never want to know that crazy gal.

What we had was clear from the beginning.
What i felt was genuine.

Your certainties? Im not too sure if they were answered.

To me those uncertainties are pointless if you dont seek for answers. Or make effort to solve it.

Anyway. This is our testing time. Your challenging period. I only want the best for you with or without me. But dont push me away for the 2nd time.
I gave in once the 1st time you dont want me around cuz your well being is my sole intention.

But i wont tolerate it this time unless im settled for the fact i am just a burden and im not needed at all for the whole healing process.

If by the end of this journey u walk out better knowing that i am still not the right person for you to walk the rest of your life with, then we make the right call right away. Cuz no point sabotaging our beautiful friendship and our 38 group.

Hmmp. At least 100 days.

I miss you thats for sure.
So much so my world doesnt seems the same when you lost her that day.
Thats when i feel that my world revolves around you.
Thats when i know my heart's calling.

Things i am capable to do and handle for my love sometimes is beyond what i can ever imagine.
I have a lot of things planned for us this coming days.
For us me or you.

I hope it give you some purpose while i keep disturbing you. I might be abit lebih in a lot of ways but my intention is just to make you feel occupied and better, loved.

I hope what we have can grow strong against all odd. If not by this end of the year i wish to conclude and move on. 2 years of prolonged decision making is wearing me out. But i am truly grateful for everything that happenned and knowing you is a blessing.

Friends calls me stupid. But if i were destined to choose the person i love who doesnt love me back, be it.
Cuz i couldnt and will never choose the person who love me more knowing my heart belong to another person.
It i were meant to suffer this curse, be it. Anyway it has been 10 years since 1st crush.
Be it!
Im used to it. Just perhaps after this boy ill go pure lesbian. Even if im not ill just declare as one.

I think if one day i had to leave without goodbye.
Whoever read my journey kindly please lead him here and let him read my feeling to bid me goodbye.
Cuz im not sure if i can do it vocally or even have the opportunity to say it myself.

Ronan keating sings a song once i kinda love..
It goes....

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

The coping of losing someone you love is very difficult to sink in. It takes a great length of time.
I know cuz i never really recover losing my dog.
To you it was just a pet. To me he was my family.

The only one who stood by me when my family couldnt provide me security and love. He was the only one i had. I remember hugging him crying and him giving me hope to carry on this pathetic life.

I only trying to forget to get by and to move on. But it never gonna recover.

So dearest.
You gotta be better than me. Dare to miss the memory and recall the lovely memories or you will regret just like me cuz i couldnt remember my love very well now. Memory hurts but also warming.

It pains but it gets you through tough days when you thought it was worthless.


I wish i had you when i lost him.
I wont let you go through it without knowing that someone care enough for your to break down if u ever wish to.
Your family unity warms me.
I know u are not alone.
I could be an extra help.
It could be little to you.
But it is huge to me.
Cuz it marks my position where no one can replace.

I guess i shall see u coming wednesday okay?

I should be napping but i couldnt.

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