Made my love a special dedicated gift.

I hope he loves it.

He has demanded not to have any gift or surprise.

No special celebration or whatsoever.

Hmmp. All planning to go on budget. 

Save for emergency.
Omg! Mana mia rumah orang tua this old soul came from?

Dear...
You didnt make it easy on me. Not doing anything is a no no for leo. Im more excited for your birthday than my own. If you put a scale and measurement on what can or cannot be done, it will restrict my creativity on how i can execute my inner passion to make your day.

But i know this year, laying low is a better option as a respect to your family. I promise to unleofied myself. But no next time.

It has been the longest since i ever plan for anyone's bday or make so much effort to pull this off.
So next time just let me okay?

Im learning many things through you. All of my ignorants are gonna be expelled soon. Thanks to you. A lady being too independant is not a good sign too yea. Haha...

My last day at work.
Old work debts are not paid.
Such ironic.

Walking out from bank defeated. Admitting defeat to time and my fatique n sickness. Dizzy for the whole of the day. Mc for the past 2 days. Being the last soilder walking out of the warzone i consider myself a winner. Hmmp. I even forgotten the plan to take a last day at job 2017 selfie.

Sudah la...
Sudah tua.
X de mood selfie with makeupless face + sick cat mia face. Langsung no selera. Lolz

Gotta dig deep n find new passion to work next year. Climb some ladders and show some power. Sudah jadi dead fish 2 years dy.

Mari lah.

The one who excel during difficult times is the gloriest one. The only chance to replace old shit with new shit.
I hate my current old shit works.
Huhu... new shits possibly come with more pay n bonus. No harm trying kan.

Come la promotion. Hr see me please. Boss bias me pls. Haiz.

Time to really dress well.

3rd Christmas #withyou

Merry Christmas Dear.

Our courtship started off with a xmas date :)

Only this time we walk hand in hand.

It feels like a full circle. 

2 years back.

My favourite festival + malaysia biggest xmas tree + my love = sweet.

A wonderful eve. The best to date.

Thanks for bringing me here.

Cant wait for our new year date.

:)

If one day my relationship gone haywired i think imma declare war with pms.

Lol

I really wish to love like it was no body business.
Just me and my man. Dismiss those who doesnt matters. Other than family and close friends why would others be any matter?

I cant go public with it.
I cant confirm or deny my relationship to others.
I cant express my excitement and i cant even express my sadness.

Its killing to have this overbearing sensitivity.
I feel a lot.
Changes in your tone or typing pattern would got my brain juice working n pumping.

While, when i miss you ill be behaving like a 5 years old cry baby throwing tantrums.
Dont leave me unattended.
Little affection goes a long way.
Little coldness got me feeling blue.
Imagine little sweetness could get me over the moon. It isnt very hard.

The hardest part is always to get my big mouth saying the right thing and talk about it like a grown up. I thought falling in love on the ripe age at 29 would make me more mature in dealing with relationship.

I thought wrong.
Being in my 1st relationship meaning there are so much of expectation. So much of yearning and so much desire. While being so clueless i am also very curious. In this phase of a few months old relationship, despite having a foundation of 1 year, i need a lot of assurance. That we are fine. That things are good.
That we gonna get through this well.

We said we are going to have a good communication whenever system break down. Tried it done that and they often went well. Like a nut and a screwdriver. I often get loose and you would need to fix me up. Too much of fixation would probably made you feel fed up and i might not be worthy to keep up with.

Hmmp. Since when i become high maintanence?
:(

Problem is i overfeel and overcare.
One side of me wanting the world.
One side of me wanting the world for u.

I truly wish you have patience with me love.
I just really miss you and wanted our own space n time enough to kill my anxiety.
Those present restrictions are not helping and im not sure when n how would they be set free.

I guess i need to have a life outside this relationship.
The fact that we are gonna live like we are in long distance relationship.

I care about you so much sometimes i wish i could really hold back spilled childish feeling i potrayed.
Im sorry love. I dont wish you to feel pressure but at certain time i really could use a hug.

Im happy being with you and i wish to still have that level of comfort and happiness when im not with you.

I hope that you feel that im worth the hassle and we could work this out in a long run. Be patient with me dear.

One thing i love about you is your patience with me during our courtship. To stay long enough to see the best in me.

Will you still do?

Baby said we have been there and i have told him that i wanna be back.

I forgotten what i have said but he remembered them.

But due to my memory being so expended, i manage to guess it out after a few hints.

What was supposed to be a badminton game leads me to I-City cuz he wanted me to bring sport shoes. And to fulfill my surprise quota my deary have to think of a way to get me get my sportshoes without telling me the truth.

Isnt that sweet :)

On the way up to the giant ferris wheel. He knew i wanted to get up there so bad. We end up taking the trip there twice due to rain.

Fortunately we stayed in a walking distance hotel.

Capricorn at its best they often deliver well planned agenda. The details that he went through and research that he did before hand never fail to amaze me. 

No wonder i was being scrutinize before being made as le gf. As long as we are together now. The past let it be past i guess. Revisiting past gets me no where.

I love every moment with you dear. 

I hope i made your day wonderful too, now and always.

18th Nov 2017.

Dear love.

It's a happy family affair for your family. 2nd brother is getting married.
May he and wifey be blessed with great harmonius marriage and health to all of you.

I know it is gonna be quite heavy hearted for u and family due to the absence of your beloved mom.
Be strong baby. She would want you all to be happy and continue to make her wishes come true.

I dont dare to bring this up to you with you in the conversation. I know it will bring sorrow. Not that if we dont touch on the topic or we dont mention then you will be okay. But at least i let you take the lead. If you ever feel the comfort to talk to me and tell me your feeling i would love to hear every bit.
I dont like to put you in a position where you feel uncomfortable. You never like surprises. You definitely dont like to do things unprepared.

I dont know if my guess was right dear.
Not bringing this up might risk you thinking that im not caring enough to comfort your feeling at moment like this. Or not sensitive enough to console you knowing that these few days will be heavy for you.

I remember you asking for time and space whenever you feel down and emotional. As hopeless and reluctant as i am, i have to spare you privacy.
God knows how blessed i am in consoling another being. At least to you im not the best.

Dear love.
Be moderate.
Easier said than done.
But you're stronger than you know.
You can do it.

Please be well love.
Your well being is my priority.

Sometimes i wish you read me between my lines. Sometimes i wish you know me more than i could present to you.
I wish you would satisfy with both my truths and my flaws.
Because when i choose you, i choose a betterman.
I didnt choose the frame.
I love you enough to still choose you shall the frame continue to change.

Dont let me think twice.
Im learning to be better in a relationship while i hope you continue to learn how to love me better.

I could be difficult at times but im not impossible.

Haha... poetic ke hapeh...

Muaks.

Wondering when we can come out as a couple publicly.

4th years and moving on.

Missing our hugs. Every great of your good morning.

Your bad breath and your craving for food always.

This year i hold on to my love to go through this hell day.

Im pretty sure he is clueless on my mood swing and im not sure if he remember this. But i prefer to really just enjoy his company while he filled me in with comfort and love.

Dear love,

I finally know what i have been waiting for.
I would love to have more mondate like that please.
Thank you for not giving me up.
Thank you for loving me.

:')

Its november again.
4th years of living without you is due soonest.
Maybe yesterday we talked about dogs at my bff's parents bday bash. My bff she has 4 pooddles at her house.

So my baby came to my dream. Again the dream was set up at the old rented house.
Maybe he was happier there. I dont know.
I saw him yelping discomfort cuz he poo poo in the house and he definitely need to get out of the compound.

Prior to that he gotta lick n kiss me in the face and i was like baby... you just shitted and now u lick me... omg.

I let him anyway. Like always. I almost forget how it feels like. That was his way of showing affection for the precious 10 years we had.

As i walked him out, he started chasing something. Something moving so fast but i couldnt see it. It was a snake. That was the most ridiculous crazy fastest moving baby snake. Baby was chasing it while it seems like it was chasing me.
That chaos.... adoi.

I was so scare he got hurt.
Then i jolted awake.
Under semi consciousness, i started wondering if baby was okay. Has my mom walked my baby this morning. If my mom going to nag me cuz she gotta walk him out this morning instead of me?

Then i remember baby is no longer here.
He is gone.
Calm down.
He is gone.
It was just a dream.
Slowly i dooze off again.
But i knew i wouldnt have a good day when i see the light.

Maybe he misses me.
Maybe i miss him too.

Yes. I miss him much.
That longingness is undescribable.
Irreplacable.

4 years of searching for something and nothing comes right.

Love is not something you can replace.
Love is a conscious affair.
A voluntary contract you walk into.
A silent promise to uphold the commitment.
A foundation you vow to nurture and protect.

This permanent guilt and lost will not find its closure.

Until i found this familiar feeling i long lost.
I found you.
My new chapter begins.
Lets have a good one :)

I knew baby will be happy for me.
You will always be my 1st love until i breathe my last breath.

Vol 4.

Losing you is not an option baby.

You rope me in and there is no way i can easily let go of us.

I want you here and now, all the time.
I hope we can spend more time together.

You got me smilling when you sang that i was always on your mind.
It better be. But im a sucker for romance anyway.
Haha... im sticky and i know it.

Till our feeling fades.
Till then, i promise to love and be yours always.

I hope we walk on strong along the life line.

I miss you.

Yours.

Was it too early? Will it ever be too early?

Mostly it is just the perception of time.

Am i ready? Will i ever be ready?

I was very much certain with my choice from the very beginning. Our relationship was a delying one and i didnt get to make a decision for us. But when it finally materialized, the up coming decision become mine.

There was no hesitation. There was no doubt.

My certainty was as solid as rock. 

I choose you and i will choose u one thousand times over again.

It came so natural and it was a no brainer to me.
That requires a lot of trust and love.
With you, those were never a question deary.

The day started late and we checked in around 5pm.

It was a gloomy day. Whole of seremban was in heavy rain for 2 hours.

But PD was superbly kind. Windy and lovely weather. I got pranked by love. I was told that we would be going to have a staycation at a place called WinWin boutique hotel which really exists cuz i went for a checking myself earlier.

We drove to Avillion Admiral Cove hotel cuz he set me up to be the driver while he check the waze and the whole we-got-lost story and the urgency of a nature call. 

It was the sweatest prank ever and i cant believe he pulled it off so romantically. And boy isnt him charming the whole of yesterday.

Waking up to this beautiful sea view.

Way to win me, love.

Muaksss.

The view over breakfast strolling.

Dinner at restaurant by the beach. Food... meh.

But the beach... i bet the sand feels soft as powder.

But love catches a cold and it was too dark to walk about. 

Make up-less face. We both hardly get some sleep. Hmmp. Unfamiliar bed and 2 insomnia kakies....

Pity baby. He was so tired :(

And he gotta work on a Saturday.

Making our gateway even shorter.

Thank you love for everything.

You dont talk about love very much but you show it whenever we have time for us.

Love u.

Vol 3.

Dear Love.

*shy*****

It's crazy how one person can make you feel so shy but brave at the same time.
It's crazy how you know how much you can love one person so much and receive it back at the same time.

This journey came so late to me and i dont know what is the reason behind all these delays. But eventually it leads me to you. If those passer-bys have worked out then i wouldnt have met you.

Cheesy but true.

2 days ago i didnt intentionally find fault with you but we kinda adopt this "please tell all or we are pretty done" kinda communication and it happened.
So i asked you so many questions which i normally will bring to grave with my mouth sealed shut no thanks to my ego.

And you answered them with sincerity of which i took it without much doubts. That kills away my anxieties and my discomforts. After all i just want to understand. And all i ever wanted is to know why having no comparison as guidence.

I know i have my demands and i dont want you to felt chocked up. But i wanted this relationship to work and not just let go like previous flings.
Im not sure i can lose you like anyone else before you.

Unless you wanted to let me go.

And so came our 3rd week dried non dated date.
You were mostly occupied with work while i just keep waiting untill we finally have the time of our own.

Seen you so hardworking made me feel pleased.
Im drawn to efforts and wisdom in a man.
And your kindness. Minus overthinking.

Things happens and then we got some hiccups towards the end of the day.
Baby please know that no matter what happen, i will not let you go through them alone anymore.

Its crazy your emotions are so contagious to me.
Your laugh makes me gigles.
Your anger scares me. Pls dont be mad when you are with me.
Your sadness makes me cry.
It hurts me so bad i wish to lift it away from you.
Your being affects me.
Your presence are comforting and pleasent.
So long you are happy and well. Everything else doesnt matter.
With you it is love.
I am very clear headed. I wish that you feel that and of the same too.

Right there and then i knew you are more than just my boyfriend.

We went 2nd base.
And it was the most beautiful and wildest moment we had thus far.
Hugging is dangerous. Thanks for highlighting it.
I finally see why.
Haha... im loving every bit of it.

Let's make every wish of yours came true.
Mine is simple. Really. As complicated as i am, i am very easily satisfied.

Your happiness is mine.

Let us miss her together.
She is someone i loved through you.
She made you the man i loved.
The kindest and the modest man.
The old soul.
The one that never fail to remind me to drink water.

I love you baby.
Muaks

Vol 2.

The problem about me is that i always either say nothing or i say too much.

Saying partially is not my norm. If you see me doing that then perhaps there is something that i couldnt resist anymore but you are not giving me enough comfort to burst out.

Funny how you used to be that person who manage to let me free flowing confessing all out but now it feels more restrictive.

I guess it is because the topics now include us and not just me.

Im not happy with what happenned this week.
But you were not the first person to know.
I couldnt feel your presence and you were sick too and i dont wish to bring this up the next day.

Bringing wrong topic at the wrong timing is another killer. Im really sad to hear the tone of your voice and how it was reverted to me.
It almost seems like you were not open up for discussion and that what i said was pointless.

End up i just shut down conversation and i woudnt wanna argue further. You have your statement and ill just rest my case.  When a judge said you were wrong and you know it was just hopeless to get your appeal going knowing it is going to further damage the result, you will just give up.

Not admitting defeat. Not agreeing but to just let it go. It wont help or solve the issue but lets just see what it will bring.

What surprises me was the consoling that came right after i thought we both gave up that night.
That was the man i fall for.

A man who wouldnt let me sleep angry.
Knowing i wont be able to sleep.

I know nothing is perfect.
But right at this moment i need a lot of attention and i crave for your assurance.

I felt like im in a long distance relationship.
One that kenot be told and be cherished upon.

Overthinking kills. But if saying this all out made me sound crazy and desperate than i might as well just shut the fuck up.

I felt like i am not asking too much but i felt like im chocking you. I dont want that love.

How do i fix this?
I complicate things but love, you knew i was a chaotic person. Would you always be the one that calms the thunder and silence my fears and insecurities?

I wish i am easy.
I wish i am simple.
I thought i am simple.

Apparently innocents doesnt mean simple.

I know you would try.
But if one day you felt that i do you more harm than love. Please do tell me.

I will be okay.
I rather be in pain than to watch you suffer pain.

Among all words that people used to tell me is that i always think too much.

You said that too.

Vice versa. 

But dont leave me alone too long with no assurance cuz i will really complicate things.

Im a terribly manja being and i love attention from the loved one. Very. I dont need material stuff or fancy dates. I just want an undivided attention, a warm hand to hold and a caring shoulder to lean on.

Low maintanence. 

High assurance. 

Sounds complicated already.

We had some topics last thursday which got the warm night became cold.

It wasnt an intended question. I dont like the answers but i respected that.

Sometimes we do things for our loved ones eventhough we dislike it. But because it makes that person happy, there is no harm trying with negotiated term and condition.

I hope you understand this.

You knew me very well and the fact that i care about you above all else, i will never force you to do anything you dont want to.

Fight for each other. Not with one another.

I have fight to stay put despite everyone ask me to stop waiting. Despite past tense n future tense calling. I still prefer my presence. 

Ohh... they always said that i expect too much as well.

I never really understand how i got this label but now i kinda understand it. I always have a visualization on my partner. A pressure i put on others and a misery i created for myself.

As i get elder, expectation worn off bit by bit as i got to understand that everyone is flawed. Perfection wouldnt want me and i wouldnt find us matching.

We came a long way. We dont stumble to each other. We crossed path and we got hiccups along the journeys. It was a lot of effort and many of the letting go but still try on and denials. 

I thought to myself that it was not suppose to be this hard. But then i forgotten i was difficult to be loved.

Many ppl come by and shown affection. But they leave too soon and give up eventually.

You were the only one who really stuck hard and persist.

Im sorry cuz i would appear insecure at times cuz i am really an insecure person. Coming from what i had and whatever shaped my past tense, i will have a tendency to please people i care for to keep everything okay. But deep down i might have a volcano erupting in my head. I will be overly sensitive towards changes in tone of voices, message delivery patterns and even facial expression.

With me you have to be open. You have to tell me and assure me. Dont let me have a guessing mind cuz mostly it goes haywired. Meanwhile i will learn to be less chaotic. I hope you have patient to fix this while showing me enough to kill this anxiety for good.

Feeling cant lie. That day i held on to your hand for a very long time and you asked me why. I have no answer to that. I just hope that night will continue to last longer or just stays at pulse mode.

I was really savouring the moment. 

That this at this moment it was real. 

That security i held onto was mine to protect and love who loves me back.

Since the day my dog passed away, I could never find warm in someone else arms and hugs.

You gave me that exact feeling i long lost. :)

Give us strength to walk on stronger.

Love, Vol. 1. 

Oh love.

What can i do to make you feel loved?

Would you appreciate your health better?

I know every festival now will be difficult to endure.

I have no word to console you. Because no word can do. No word would ever bring back the one person you love the most.

I only wish that you will allow me to be with you throught this journey. Let me walk with you.
I am not blessed with a sweet mouth.
But do not deny my capacity to love and my sincerity to want you feel protected and happy.

Please dont push me away.
Please. It hurt me more than you are hurting yourself.

I miss playing candles.
I just find no meaning playing it now.
Event my younger cousins no longer do so.

Would we bring back festival joy in each other?

You have been a brave boy today.
I like that you face your problem with fear than to cowardly run for easy option.
It wasnt comfortable but it is the only option to avoid it once and for all deary.

I will reward you :)

Guess guess...

:3

A very unwell plan of date.
I dont like rushing doing anything.
But so long i am with you i guess im okay.

So long you are okay and by my side. I'll be happy.
I like it when you sing to me. Cuz that is when i know that you are comfortable and relax.

We did a lot of unexpected things today.
Since we were late for our 2pm movie thus we sneak into 2.30 pm slot which happened to be just opposite room and thank god for the pre-enter visual board which allows us to view the room beforehand.

Lets not do this all the time okay dear...
Or we will continue not to be on time ya.

Thanks for making my day wonderful love.
Meeting my expectation and being so attentive.

We kissed for the 1st time. And i wish you would never leave me without a kiss for future dates onwards. :)

Continue to break our barriers.
Melts ours years and anxiety away.

You gave me a lovely 5 hours companionship.
And i miss it already.

Unoffically official.

Complicated.... my god. It takes years to make me understand the meaning of complicated in a relationship.

I used to ask why would people put complicated in their relationship status. On means on. Single means single. What is complication means?

I think i kinda have a late puberty? The period officially came in form 2 but it seems my innocence or perhaps stupidity vs ignorance kinda took longer time to evolve...

Anyway.

He called me his gf. While he called him as my bf.
I guess it takes a lot of courage for him to do so.
It doesnt make my heart leaps out wanting to shout out loud that he is finally mine.
I suppose it was because we has been emotionally so close and was in this courtship long before the label. Thus it seems just mediocre at the moment.
So this is the feeling when one call you theirs?
Perhaps we are still very new. And the fact that im elder...

No doubt the sincerity is there. And it feels so much sweeter to talk to each other now. Lets just see how it unfolds.

As much as i have wished to see this coming into a realization, I am always prepare to see one walks away. I am not afraid to see them choose the latter. I am just annoyed to have them hang on too long in my life.

Dont disappoint me again.
Let's explore.

Pbb 2017 Annual Dinner #cosplay

9.9.2017

51st Anniversary of PBB Southern Region Annual Dinner.

As usual. Got my best gal colleague as hotel roomie.

Another 2 males colleague at another hotel.

Having had a very unsatisfactory make up done by a MUA last year, i decided to DIY myself this year. And it is 100% better than last year's outcome.

Had a terrible OCD moment with which dress to go with. I had a very grand navy blue dress which really compliments my figure but i eventually let go for this black chic 3/4 jump suit.

Reason being i have to participate the dinner without a plus one, not having a masculine partner to hold me around when i need support. 

With my imbalance composure (gravity hates me),

I suppose it is wise to dress down-to-earth a little.

And i have nobody to impress. Thus let's keep the dress for another year. Bought in year 2012. Hmmppp. It was so so close...

The sampatness and damn model pose failed ...

When make up done right, obviously selfie time is needed. And because nobody ever get my picture right... either because im never comfortable with someone taking my solo photo or that nobody see me the way i see myself thus only selfie of mine captures my best angle.

Bravo JC. I guess i can do more and it will only gets better. Pretty much all were there except for fake eye lashes which i hate most. 

Entire length view. Oh yea... the hair.. god. So messed up. My hair and i have the worst body to owner relationship. They hate me. They never stay in shape no matter what i do with it.

Had most of my favourite people around me. 

Same place similar faces. Glad to have you all around. Derrick is missing.

Wefie is a must. Because asking stranger to take our photo is definitely a risk. And i think wefie better reflect our relationship.

My private security.

Bank celebrate another year of success. While us celebrate another year of employment. A nice night to dress up and show up. 

To be present and to hang out with nice colleagues.

I won a table lucky draw too. Rm50 aeon vouchers per table mate.... for once i got lucky.

After a long night, i got a date to watch a highly anticipated movie 'IT' with him.

Midnight slot and it was a super duper long movie. 2.15 hour long creppy movie.

Hmmp.

He dislike it very much. 3/10.

He asked for my comment.

I never regret any movie i watch.

I will only regret the date i chose to watch movie with.

I didnt hate the movie and i dont regret watching it. It still freaks me out as a horror/thriller dark movie.

So it serves its purpose.

And i got a private 3 hours with you.

Though it was a little too cold and was a little too late a date but i wouldnt mind to do it again. But preferably dont end by 3am again.

We were so close yet so far. Why are you so distance.

We are in a delaying position againt arent we?

*

The next day 4 of us walked around Melaka town.

Didnt manage to do what was planned last minute but manage to still hav a good time. Good laugh.

Weekend well spent.

Thank god for my annual leave.

Im off monday :)

I kept chocking on water.
I wonder why.
I guess water and i have a love hate relationship.
Those were the days i hate pills cuz i thought i chocked on pills.
Now i finally realized it is water that i chock on with.
No wonder y i never really thirsty no matter what hour or day.

If water will get me chocking. Cock x payah say la... haha

Now this scares me lol.

Sigh.

So north korea testing nuclear power again?!
So when do u guys wanna launch world war 3?
If he is gotta start something funny guess which country the man wanna bomb 1st?

Nway. Wherever he aim to bomb. Many of us will eventually died. Haha... so it kicks off my senses to write sumthing again. FB memory remind me today in year 2011 i wrote a piece of article about my performance journey in ukm and The Star newspaper was kind enough to have it published.
Such a boost to my writting talent. ..... tsk tsk.

We are all temporary people.
Human we dont get to own anything in the world.
Really. You thought you bought a house. That piece of land belongs to you. So? It will be passed on to whom? So you get to reproduce. But i dont plan to get my genetic flows into the vast already broken genetic pools out there. How long basically you think u can live in this whole damn world? 100 years max right?
How many out of 10 of us can by pass even 50 yrs old?

We will never know. If only we know when is our final day, would you be happier? Would you do things sooner? Would you say the things you wish you would say?
So i dont know when is my final day.
But im not dying. So im wasting everyday of my life wondering why things are happening to me?
Why am i being tangled in such complicated relationship?
Why am i so stubborn fighting on?

One year and another wasted wanting to go somewhere but end up wishing it could be done and thinking something or someone will come up and that it would be planned otherwise.
Mother fucker joanne. Wake up!!!

Wake up!!

Sometimes i pity myself. But many a times i just hate myself for allowing these to happen.
I am what i eat. I am what i do.
Surrounding n family factors are one thing but mostly im just pathetically self pitying tired soul.

I dont appear as one seriously.
I only sound like a attention craving bitch and non self worthy crying baby in my blog.
It's an open blog. But yea... i dont see many people come to pampare me after many post anyway. So i have been abandoned. Haha...

Well well.

I cried so much these few days. Im really done being a haggard soul.
Lets start 2morow blues with a bang.
Start by dressing well. Put on the most vibrant killer smile and push my chin up.

When im emotional. I am a self torture kinda person.
I dont eat well. Too much. I dont sleep. I cant sleep.
I dont talk. I dont wanna. I waste time.
So i waste time.

How much more do i have?
Kinda a wake up call right?

Be tough gal.
The key to own happiness shall always be enplaced on your own hand. Hand the power to someone else and your life is done.

Be well. Us.
Be strong. Us.
Together or seperately.

Its okay. It will be okay.

My heart ache knowing you teared up from the other side of the phone while i teared up here knowing i cant do anything to make you feel better.

I dont know what to say or what i could do.
I will never know if it is wise to let you indulge in missing her, that it will get you through these days or to keep distracting you to keep you preoccupied with other stuffs will do better.

This is a major self recupperating lost only you can fix. I promise to stay put until you slowly regain composure. You will never be the same. But that is not the reason you use to be hopeless in life.

You dont give up in life untill she wants it back.
She didnt gave you life just to see you waste it lifelessly without her.

Life itself is short.
Take it. Use it.

I dont know why it hurt me so much to see you like this. Perhaps because knowing how it hurts reminds me how bad it was 4 yrs back when i lost my baby dog. Knowing everyday i pray for my baby to move on. Pray that he wont miss me and dont come back and stay put just to suffer. Let me suffer. You go to better place. I will live till the day i can see you again.

It was just words i used to comfort myself.
I blame myself everyday until the day i manage to forget it. Like a slot in my memory for that 10 years totally erased. I know i cant go on living with lost.
It takes months or years to do that. I dont know when it happened. But i moved on in a bad shape.

I wish you could blame me for wanting you to go out that very night. If it wasnt because of me, the night incident might have another ending.
I wonder if you ever see me and having that thoughts playing in your head.
Im really sorry love.
I made you suffer this decision.
You will forever be troubled with this decision.
Its my fault.

I really dont know what to do to make things better other than giving you enough time to regain your control in life. Time is the only cure but time is also very cruel.
I dont know what will be the most perfect duration to recover and what can be done.
Im sorry for asking too much from you.
My only intention is pick u up and your well being...
I didnt mean to push or rush you and expect you to stand right up immediately.
Im so sorry

Im not in the right position to say much or to want you do anything for now.
Please do know that i care and i dont know why i take it as hard as you.
I dont understand myself very much too.
I guess i care too much.
That is what i am afraid of.

Take all the times you want.
I will not force you anymore.
Come what may. If this is meant to be it will be.
But do know everything that happen between us and you, i care deeply.
It's genuine and my aching heart cant lie.

Please be strong for your family.
Your siblings are being strong for you and her.
No matter what happen, you can always confine in me. Please be well. For her. Dont hurt yourself.
I love you.

Pms caused me cried to sleep these 2 nights.

Im so afraid of my emotional fluctuation. Especially when im alone.
But im not suppose to be alone or feel lonely.

Something is wrong.
Something has always been wrong.

Im sad when you are sad. I wish that day never happen and bring back the happier you.
I rather never ever have you or know you or anything i can trade for you to have her back.

Im so sorry that im powerless.
No child should ever live without a mother.
If only i can do anything to change that night.

If only i can make you feel better.

How?

The moment you fall in love thats when you screw your heart.

Despite hardship and inner demons, i manage to pull through life considerably well.
I can make the best out of the things i hate and in a place i always wanted to leave.
Perhaps i grow to love or merely me just kinda give up fighting things which seems too tough.
Cuz kindness pulls me back.
This fucking big heart is like the sucker black hole pulling me into its shit...

Nway. Despite being manageble and kinda okay in everything else. I find my self fail in relationship.
More towards the fact that i dont know how to choose to avoid and to find.

Those who escape, trust me that is the best decision you or i made for you.

Thanks to me. You are away from one hell of a big fat bitch.

I fail in relationship big time!

I guess i fail it again...

Its going to be month end and your promises fails me.
Again!

Perhaps it is another non deadline kinda never ending empty promises.

:'(

Happy belated birthday to you.

I didnt know. Cuz you never tell.
And i dont know why you never do.
You choose this.
I dont know why i feel bad.
I feel so heavy hearted.

It was short but very special.
It wasnt convincing. But it was lovely.
It was an infactuation. So strong i knew it would go terribly wrong or i would be hurt.
You are special.

I wish you success and happiness :)

While.

Me and my unofficial boyfriend.
You always make me question my position and your bravery/decision.

I think im really better be left alone.
Im incapable of loving myself resulted that i keep expecting sky high demands on others on how to treat me right. Forgetting the fact that everything people do voluntarily is a way of love and affection.
Because i could do so much more.
But it is just me.
Just me.

Am i wanting too much?
Is my want too much for you to give?

I came to realize material fulfillment is much easier to be obtained. Emotional needs are the terrible ones.

Are we making the right decision?

Last 20ish Birthday.

Low maintenance.

High expectation.

Easy yet demanding.

Difficult but flexible.

The next time whenever public need to know anything at all about me, ill mention the above mantra.

It is funny how FB kept reminding me days on previous years up to 7 to 8 years back.

And i saw how my bday celebration got smaller but more meaningful :)

Every year i see myself seeking different wanting.

But one thing remain the same.

Being loved and in love.

I guess the hardest subject in the world is often rule by the rebelious heart.

One that never listen and one that never bow to rules.

Selfish and fragile.

Initial plan for this year bday was to have a gateway to an island. But things got in the way though i have taken a week off.

So 2nd plan took place. Fulfill the checklist of having an expensive fine dining experience facing my still iconic klcc view with a guy i still fancy of.

Dinner took place at Thrity8 @ Grand Hyatt hotel, a 5 start hotel. The research took place last year and i came upon this restaurant and im drawn to all the reviews. I have decided there and then that it would be my 1st fine dining experience in KL.

But every decision i made somehow link to his preference. Ever since i knew that feeling, everything i do or plan will have him and his well being on my mind. 

I wonder if he ever knew that i care so much. 

Perhaps he thought he did the same and wonder if i ever knew. 

:) Funny issues we have. Yet we felt that we are not compatible. Big time. 

I could have another person sitting across the table but i dont think i ever wanted any other way.

Overall the dinner was a decent experience.

I had a table booked with klcc view. One that came with TnC that i have to spend a min Rm500 a la carte menu or a couple menu set of rm425 but the list of food were not very appealing.

The hotel and view were spectacular. You immediately feel expensive being there but yea... like he said you could buy 10 person dinner with better food at another place with the same amount spent. Hahaha... 

Ikr.

He dressed to the occation and my o my... one charming man indeed. A compliment i never gave him but he knew i approved of.

But its my birthday. I made the call.

It would be perfect if all these were all pre planned by your loved one. I would be totally pleased and spoiled maximally. But these all aint practical and he will never do it. Thus i would never have these experienced. So no, ill make the call.

So yea. I threw myself a luxurious party. Wohoo... a pat on the back Jc.

I wish to spend the night at the same hotel but it cost a bomb price at rm1006 per night. I guess thats another level of expenditure... perhaps on another year bday.

I had a staycation at another hotel.

Not before a movie and a karaoke season which he set me up. Our night ride end by 3am.

I demanded a special movie date. And he got us a Bennie special seat at Sunway Putra watching my fav Baby Driver. 

The seating was fucking uncomfortable and both of us were so annoyed. Haha... no more bennie...

Seriously i dont understand how others can be so comfy while i was struggling to balance my shoulder and my butt. Well, I guess mainly cuz i was on a short exposing mini dress with a pair of killer heels.

Spending the night with a man you knew you have feeling for (mutually) need a lot of trust knowing and believing that he wouldnt touch you unless you are ready.

Knowing that he wont and trusting that he wont try to seduce me is totally different issues.

I have trust issue with men, generally human in existence but when it comes to him, I have no doubt. Trust is the ultimate foundation in a relationship right?

I walk out from an infatuation to a humble man who persist. Your indecisiveness causes mine to behave the same. 

But I have chosen a thoughtful coat over a romantic bouquet of roses. 

Both who has yet to make me see beyond years.

Both who has caused and will cause me heartache.

I believe everyone who crosses your life long journey brings you value in life.

They either teach or take something to or from you.

Both experience will be added value in moulding our future.

Sometimes choices decide their own fate.

I just stand still watch them choose.

I no longer wanna force your participation in my life. Come what may. Just dont fool around and waste my time shall your intention is not clear.

I am at my ripe age of 29 now and im sad to tell that i am not sorry to make bad calling or to make decision that should be good to my well being. 

I am also blessed with part of the innocents to trust and be trusted on promises and that i should have faith in certain prospect in life. 

I am thankful to the beyond aged's maturity that i have to be able to understand my wants and needs so that i could only make wrong decision with a conscious being.

Thank you for the time spent and effort made.

I had a great time.

I guess we are getting there. Not official.

Make it.

You have your last shot baby.

:)

Kota Tinggi... i mean Bukit Tinggi.

My lmao face. Everytime im happy my face fails me. I either look smashing pretty or i look awfully wrong. He says i looked natural. Well. Im not sure if that is a compliment or what. But i love whatever appear in that very shot. :)

Somehow i couldnt bring myself to look at him while he take my photo. I guess im adjusting. I feel so shy...

I guess he is adjusting too. He dislike taking photo but tag along anyway. Buff up your camera skill dude.

I really love this shot of ours.

We have come a long way. 

To here. This place.

From where we were. Todate.

From the day i was certain to how confused i am now.

One thing for sure is that i love seeing you happy.

I love seeing you laugh like a silly boy and carefree.

I miss that.

I am happy if i could be the reason behind your smile. Be it because of my clumpsiness or my random ass jokes. Or simply because you like seeing me around.

This is one of the place i always wanted to go.

Thanks for all the long hours drive to make my dream came true.

You may not be the boy with surprises but you will try your level best to make my day.

Please dont fail me again.

Because this is the last chance and the very last time we try.

Thank you for the road trip.

It means a lot :)

My last 20 ish bday is nearing.
And yet im left dumbfounded on what i should and could do on the big day.
Apparently it is just another day.
If im not celebrating it with someone i like or care,
I dont wanna celebrate it anymore.

Rather i just wish to do something diferent and special on that very date so when i think back i can recall the year.

The last 2 years celebration was rather forgetable except for my lovely gals who never fail me.

This year everyone was busy and far away.

I found it very disturbing how one can act like they care in one minute and then be gone by another second. I cant even fake a face if i dont care about you.

How scary and cruel it is.
Again proven apps dating sucks. Haha
Im saddenned that it only takes 3 dates to find out that you're tired of me.
Or leo just couldnt get another leo.

Im thinking of hiding away that week. I've taken the whole damn week off.
So wish to spend it on an island and some beaches. Too bad again i buy chance that i could go and plan it with someone special.

And yet again specials one always back off on most crucial times. Haha... fuck you all greatly. :/


What have i done you wrong?

Seriously.

It is time to finally wake up and do things for my own.

Im really really tired. :(

What has happened?

A U turn and a dead end.

I would be very happy if you have take the lead much earlier.

Im not a coal. Simple ignition to restart the fire.

Im more like a wet matches. Lol.

Im undecisive and im so scare of hurting you.

Talking about matches.

I found a broken one which got burnt out too quickly as soon as it has begun.

Wasted. But i know im not deserving.

So tired.
Gtg sleep.

When you have trouble and phobia in making choices no thanks to the fucking OCD mental fucking disease and you gotta make a single choice cuz apparently a heart can only be owned by one soul.

How dumb am i? Rather innocent?

I am really the simplest person ever.
Mostly im being misunderstood due to my personality and appearance.

I either being taken as overfriendly too open minded or the other extreme as bitchy demanding and difficult to be pleased.

Purlease! Seriously.

What scares you most always comes find you.

And they did found me.

How am i not hitting the lotery but got all these awards for being a nice person??

Has the world gone mad??

Lol.

Okay okay.

I threw away a letter from 11 years ago.
1st crush. Denying my affection. On today. His bday. How coincident that you probably think that i staged this whole agenda up. Haha...

No. I did not... i was packing and filtering my gems which are overloaded and not organized.
And i saw it and i had an urge to read it again.
Nope. Not again. I tore them before my lil heart screammed no. Bubye... curse no more. Fuck u lil piece of shitty paper.

No i dont hate him. He was the 1st cutest banana i ever known. I truly wish he find one person he loves and capable to love him more than friend as well.

On the other hand.

Big sigh.

What is happening to my life?

Am i not good at handling my personal agenda?
They say buat baik dibalas baik kan?

Please know that my heart ache as much as you the moment i had to deliver the news that i might be seeing another. I can dont inform you but i could never let you be the last to know if i ever walk out.

Having to walk out from something that i have invested so much thinking that he could be one that changes my life sucks.
It is like a suicide leap over a building.
A decision built by despair and dissapointment and knowing ending it all is the only solution to keep both party comfort as priority.
A decision i fear and knowing that i will not revisit the same love twice caused me frustration.
I was one leg above air and edging to fall freely to start another phase but i hesitated again.

4 hours of texting and no problem solve. Again! Im so very tired really.

I came with a conclusion.
If we are meant to be we will be.
If you believe in faith. Then lets the nature take its couse.
If you believe in yourself, then do as your wish.
If you believe in love, work your hardest to secure you desire.
As simple as that. Dont complicates life which is complicated as hell.


If i am too much of a husstle, too hard too costly too overwhelming, then it is not worthy for the price.

I will not wait for you because i could not accept the reasons given. I understood your kind intention and the whole idealogy. But to me, frankly speaking you dont love me enough. And that is enough.

Certainty in life is bullshit.
Guaranteed of all truth in life only happens in mathemathics where formulas always lead you to an answer of certain.

Im not going anywhere.
But if someone successfully came by and sweep me off my feets. I wouldnt resist this time. Im not gonna chase them away telling them that im attached or i have my heart locked and will wait for that one guy.
If i choose him over you it is because he wanted me enough to prove his worth and not because i love you any less.

I cant unloved someone i ever loved. Im not A.I.
But i will try to forget you. And try to move on.

Thank you for your kindness your patient and all the good beautiful memories.
I dont think we can ever talk about all these face to face. So if you read me. I wish that you knew what you ady felt that i have chosen you once. And it matters.

Lets see what the balance 2017 might take me to.
And im going to lose it this year.
Claim your price!

*

Some people has no sense of consistency.
Sigh. As expected. Fuck tinder
What do you expect? Haha...
Just like everyone say... tinder is a hook up apps.
What? Like you expect true love coming out of it?
Well. I thought i got lucky this time.

*

I re read a letter from my old time bff. She wrote to me that she prefer to call me ah yan. A girl she knew. She dont know who is joanne.
Joanne is not familiar to her. So much of Joanne she is not know of.

I begin to not understand myself too.
Who am I? What do i really want?
What is happening?
:(