Review of year 2014; Hello 2015!

Another year passed by. It's 2015 and i'm still alive. Seeing and hearing so many death involving fellow Malaysian kinda make me wonder what have I done and what more can I do the fact that i am the lucky one who still is alive today living life that many yearns but perished in unforeseen tragedies. 

Sorry for all the losses to those involved. 

I still have a habit of listing down resolution but i kinda wanna stop it cuz it started to look like a joke when i fail to achieve it year after year. After a lot of uncertainties hit me and directly interrupted my year planning i was like what the heck? Resolution my ass! That stupid long list become a pressure and a shame to me. Having said that, i still managed to pull out some great memories in yr 2014. 

1. Curl my damn long hair. Me hair has become the subject of the year. From very long and curly to very short and dyed. Will maintain it as such until perhaps i crush someone again.

2. I organized and throw my own birthday party. Threatened my best buddies to come all the way from Penang, KL and batu pahat... or melaka.

All the loveliest they made my wish came true, giving me the spotlight in celebrating my 2nd half of life journey. Best day ever!

3. Participate in 2 events. Green box karaoke competition and emerged as champion. 

Then i went to Asia Got Talent audition and of course ive failed it. That terrible 6 hours wait saw my best buddies super sweet supports.

4. Went to 2 concerts both at stadium merdeka. Avril Lavigne with my dear Fang. Then my fantastic Mariah Carey on my own. Yes!

5. Performed during Pbb annual dinner. Singing duet with Genesis. 

6. Participate 2 friends wedding. Coursemate Jason Tan at Segamat. Which saw me drove and crossed states' borders with buddies. Then is another Jason Wong, U65 Paulian buddy at Seremban.

7. Those were the ups. The downs include farewell to 2 good bosses which gave me the opportunity to think about opening up more chances my work field could offer. 

My mom underwent a surgery which cost me immobile for i wonder how long. That taught me patience i didn't know i have or perhaps i know. I just wish i dont have to practice it. For you have no idea the value of patience and how fearful i am to it. Thankfully she is getting better.

8. Yay!  Went to the biggest big bad wolf sales. I didnt enjoy what i had bought cuz my favourite arent there. I just enjoy participating, at least i made sure that i do sumthg on special day like xmas and on new year eve. I enjoy my companions. Got to know some good people and made fwens. I slowly learn to appreciate myself a lil bit more. 

So... aint so bad right. In fact quite fulfilling. Could be better!

*Now go make your wishes come true. I truly believe if u want something bad enuff and you wish and work equally hard enough, with the correct attitude and a pinch of stubbornness, dreams do come true*

So 2015! What can i do to make it worthwhile to live. 2nd year to the balance 25 yrs i have. Be positive i guess which is something i often lacking of. Then, erm... travel! Will make it happen. Be eventful? If there is one thing 2014 have taught me well, it was appreciation!

When i was a young kid, time when i begin to understand the meaning of love and marriage i somehow make a vow to get married by the age of 27. Fuck off young joanne! U dont know that ure gonna grow up being so extremely reserved and picky and ego. Ughf. 

Happie new year and best wishes to everyone. Health is often forgotten about its importance. Thus i guess i should start the year by going for full body check up and get myself a pair of spectacle. 

Jason Wong form 6 BFF Wedding :)

The wedding plan was initiated 1 year ago when he first proposed to her. The proposal was videotaped and very discreetly organized and publicly displayed at penang strait quey.

Among all the boys in form 6, i would never have thought that this mr wong will settle down 1st. A boy i learned playful, naughty and street smart and once who set me up on my 1st boy crush who is also our classmate is now a married man. Im so very happy and proud of him. It isnt easy for a man our age to survive let alone marrying his love. I saw him building his career and planning all necessities prior to making this huge leap. I hope they 55 produce a baby and let me be god mother. Well, i have been collecting names of baby of who i wanna be god mother to just in case i end up fulfilling my wildest dream and not getting married.

I missed Munwei wedding, the 1st from our u65rians due to my grandpa passing in yr 2013 september. There is no way i will miss JF's.
27th of December 14 has been highlighted as a no touch day since last year. We got even closer when he started to work in the same town just across the street. Haha.... hi fellow banker...

It's a simple wedding and a great reunion for u65. Ever since all of us went for higher education, there are a few who often gone missing. Some will go missing whole year long where as some somehow come back to us while the constant few keep the gathering going. Yes, i am one of the few. Clap clap*

New people found me serious. Only they know who the real jcdagreat is. Time and environment can change a person. No doubt im very much a changed person. For the better. With them, it feels good to just become joanne again. The loud, childish, crazy gal who i called drama queen, the IT gal. Haha... Who can forget the drama of Justin vs Joanne; the forsaken crush. Those were the happie days spent in St paul institution.

Im looking forward to more of such happie gathering and more and more happie years with them. This is our 8th years together and all of us are already talking about our 10 years anniversary.
I wonder what kind of other relationship can last longer than that. Oh so tua!!!

That night is my 1st night carrying a red dress with semi deep V cut both on front and back of the dress. Then i realize my boobs are quite Ahemp small to cater to the V cut cleavage display. Well, reminder to self, get a push up bra! I was really invested in transforming myself from a lazy piggy gal to a red blooded, heart snatcher cat. Lol. I should walk around the hall more often to publicly display myself but i was so consumed with my fwens i forgotten my intention of the night. Moral of this failure is to never bring a friend while hunting for prey. Lol. Lol. Anyway, this kinda night dont happen very often cuz i normally just wear jeans and nice blouse if not shirt to a wedding. Tee hee...

Nevermind. Dont worry. Being single is not a crime. Being single means more hunting spree.
Watch me! Oops.
* photo @ FB. *Slow data...

falling in love

I wanna fall in love this December. I had a terrible year last year and this year doesnt see any improvement yet. As fast as blink of an eye, the year of 2014 is ending and i fail to fulfil my desires. Xmas has always been my favourite festival. I dont know why i have a strong spirit towards this special day.

I guess the presents (i love giving present), the bells and musicals, the loving santa who loves good child, the snow and the yearly wishes come true kinda spirit warm my weak lil heart.

This year i die die wanna go visit kl malls for the sake of satisfying that desire and shopping!!!
I resisted not to buy anything in seremban and aim for more variety this time. Its year end sales anyway. Why not right?

25th date is on! I hope it will be a good ride with my dearest lek lek.
Oh yea... back to the topic. I wanna fall in love. I fall in love with self transforming. I have learnt that the only constant in reality is changes. I used to say that i hated changes. I come to realize that i dont dislike changes. I just got comfortable to constance. And i fear constance. The familiarity ive been living with is so very scary. There are a lot of things i found abnormal in my life along the years of experiencing life itself out there. And i seek changes. I wish to change to live. I wanna live. It isnt easy. For those who has been living in abnormality with people you call family is even difficult for one to come out and change. Haha... how bad? You gotta walk in my heels. Anyway, being able to walk out from the shadow takes a lot of effort and willingness. I did and i am a better person today. Which is why when i bump to negative people out there who is crazier than i am, i will avoid them very obviously so that they dont ever appear in front of me.

I become more appreciative, i listen and read more cuz i dont easily take external advise. I choose my materials very selectively and then, self taught.
When i have to deal with some personal issue or emotion, i got my own remedy to heal them. Lately i found self loving kinda helps. The idea of transforming itself kinda distract me from negativities. I feel great getting myself fixed!

And i feel fresh. Killer colours and dye on top of the super styled hairdo. Once u go short, u never go back. The short hair gal league has been telling me that very often. Never say never... perhaps until i fall in love again.

Anyway, if ure reading me, pls listen to the song Lost Star from the movie Begin Again. 2 versions each from Keira knightly and Adam Levine.
Equally lovely.

***
Please, don't see
Just a boy caught up in dreams
And fantasies

Please, see me
Reaching out for someone
I can't see

Take my hand
Let's see where we wake up tomorrow
Best laid plans
Sometimes are just a one night stand

Who are we?
Just a speck of dust
Within the galaxy?

Woe, is me
If we're not careful
Turns into reality

But don't you dare
Let our best memories bring you sorrow
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Turn the page
Maybe we'll find a brand new ending
Where we're dancing in our tears

And God, tell us the reason
Youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season
And the lambs are on the run

We're searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars
Trying to light up the dark

I thought I saw you out there crying
I thought I heard you call my name
I thought I heard you out there crying
But just the same

***

My boss gave me a call today morning when i least expected it. Why? Cuz he call from Melaka branch number. T.T.

He gave a very brief opening conversation starting with how was everything in my place and some question about his cases under my care.

Then he finally revealed his intention and asked if i have interest to go over Melaka cuz there is a vacancy there. Im flattered cuz i am still the one he looked into when there is an available position in his new branch. I am very delighted im not gonna lie. I would have go and say yes if i have less obligation which i couldn't ignore. I would've go for it and i will name you all the reason why i would want it but i declined his offer this time. The fact that he even ask this time around shows his kindness and understanding towards my situation. He said he understood and didn't question more after asking about my mother's condition.

I dont know how many other colleagues of mine that he asked about going to melaka branch but hearing him today made me feel somewhat special. After getting the call i became emotional. I don't know what got into me. I cant even conclude what was the reason this time. Was it because i rejected his offer and that i disappoint him? Was it because i wanted to go but the fact that my freedom of choice is again restricted by family matter? Or that it's simply because it reminded me that my boss have left the branch and that i really miss the way my branch use to be? Full of determination and ambition. Or all the above!? Lol.

My clerk cum friend said that i was acting like im going through a broken relationship. Putus cinta. Hahaha...damn right. Dulu cinta tak berbalas. Now cinta tak sampai. Later cinta tak kembali. Seriously... i was like a kid. I was so happy i told a few close colleagues intended to show off i guess but i just couldn't contain my happiness.

I thk this just don't occur to me. Later in noon another colleague answer a call and it was him on the line. Then she too happily told us that boss could tell it was her who picked up the phone and seek her to transfer the line to another person. We weren't exaggerating. We simply just miss him a lot.

Since the changes have to set in whether i like it or not then i suppose we should let it carry on for some time, let me experience something new, long enough for me to tell the difference and then only make a choice on how my subsequent action would be. Maybe i will like the new B.M too?

Today i went home at 6pm. Of all my 3 years i dont recall myself going back at 6pm at all. The sign of laziness kicked in. Nah don't care! :/ I dont feel inspired. The relieve manager for the moment is so... so... so not Mr Danny. I'm basically taking 2 weeks off until new B.M come.

No Mr Danny, no OT. I told my friend. Seriously i slowly begin to realize that my diligence was really an act to impress. Or is it not? I cant tell for sure but im definitely taking a good break for now. I am pretty sure that there was not a single lazy day ever spent during my entire 3 years working with/ under my boss. He was such a hard working boss he put many new employee generation to shame. And it somehow was contagious and i got effected.

I hope he will be happy there. While im having some lazy sweet time here, i cant help but wonder what will my next journey be. Both managers kept hinting me to stay put, work hard and ill be just like them as if they could tell that i am making some plan already.
Well, i guess i could adapt to changes, i just dislike saying good bye. Enough of these in 2 horrible years.

Work was smooth. People around are fine except for a certain few who never stop being annoying. Each working field must at least have one of such character, the nature has its plan to restore some norm into reality. Well... if u get what i mean.

I take slower steps in everything that i do which left me feeling so weak. Sigh. Case was slow. Respond was slow. Its year end anyway. Its normal.

Have u ever have that feeling of being very happy and devastated at the same time? Words cant describe how it feels.

Gosh. Medicine kicks in much faster today. It kills my insomnia. :) and hopefully my emo too.

Farewell

My last post unable to save itself thus all written details were gone. Well i no longer enjoy rewriting dramas. I no longer love reading what i wrote. Sad news keep coming. I lost my familiarity bit by bit. I was just adjusting myself having my ex biz manager transferred to Tampin branch as brand new branch manager. Then some bullies came disrupting my mood from bad to worst. U know what? They really are annoying. Just when i thought work cant hurt me more than chaos in my personal life, it came with a different twist. My branch manager will be promoted to senior manager and shall be transferred to Melaka Main branch. :(

I dont think anyone understand my feeling. Quite many may assume that i was over reacting.
Well be it. I was in a state of confusion, shocked and grieve i do not know how to react to the news.

I am really sad. Departure is never easy especially towards a loved one. There is no doubt i sayang my boss. He is more than just a boss to me. Working in pbb is never easy and i survived these fucking 3 yrs. If it's not because of his encouragement and guidance, i wouldnt have wanted to stay and learn and grow. The added values that i have now as a banker, a responsible employee and a well rounded person is mainly inspired by him. He is a mentor and often like a father figure to me. My own father wouldnt have so much time and patient to nurture me and encourage me. He sees me grow and he sees me performs. From being somebody he saw weak but hardworking to someone he believed can soar and excel. I am one of his greatest student, i wish, and he often compliment me despite my carelessness and lacking of knowledge in the field. I wanna fight to impress, to make him proud. He would assured me to not be intimidated when a new girl was joining my team in July. He supported me when he assigned me as consumer team head last year. :'(

He is a man with brain and has a string of success and evidences under his historic long belt to prove. He deserve the promotion and to be sent back to Melaka after 20 yrs serving Negeri branches. I suppose his family will be happy. He would also be able to lessen travel for his health's sake. Im just too sad and shocked over the news and that trigger me to post another emo post in fb. It got quite some friend worried. I didnt mean any of this. Most of the time nobody care what i post anyway. At least im not as annoying as pirate king notification.

I am emotionally attached to people i care and i appreciate the familiarness for it has been very comfortable and satisfying. Now in 1 month time, all these were taken away with short notice. Although i was aware that my BM and biz M went for interviews earlier but i never would have thought that coming so soon. It was even more difficult as i understand his feeling for having built a kingdom and never gotta enjoy the glory. Leo hate unknown surprises. We both were Leo! It wasnt his 1st time receiving such news but this time it involved me. So it matters!

I can only wish him well, wealth and health. I hope he will be happy there. I truly believe a man wouldnt be happy unless he know his family is. And i believe his family would. I feel that its time for him to count his blessing soundly.

Well, new biz M.... Luckily she is known to me and a favourite one. Rumours had it that my new BM is aggressive, handsome and still a bachelor. I hope he is not gay.

Now i may resign any time with no hard feeling without their presence in the branch.
Words cant describe how grateful and thankful i am to this wonderful man i grow to respect, adore and love.

Now no one will watch over my back. And no more priority given. No more extra protection. Things that i gotta enjoy cuz others seems to feel that i was the favoured one. So be it. My 3 years were pretty pampered and protected despite equivalence  of hard work, time and youth spent for it. There is no such thing as free meal in the real world. Its all about mutual interest and some pinch of luck.
I was lucky to have him as my BM.

Thank you Mr Danny!
Best wishes.

My business manager is promoted to branch manager and thus she will be transfered to another small branch. Im happie for her. She finally can break free from all the nasty people who couldnt work along with her. I will miss her. When i started joining bank, she was also new as biz manager. We learn together and we sat face to face in old branch. We always stay back to late hours and we will have small talk cuz she doesnt geboh or talk nonsense. She just work n sale as many loans as possible. 3 yrs as sales then jumped straight to biz manager & after very tough 3 yrs she is now heading to branch manager. Such a role model. Pretty, hard working and super tough lady. She always compliment me and that day she told me to just keep going dont bother too much of the environment and that me too will go up as boss will guide me for sure.

I just smile. I hope she will be happie there. What she sacrifice here to get there will allow her comfort of time and freedom from stress. Her perseverance and endurance is beyond what normal people can lead. Another woman will take her position in my branch. I know her and she is also another tough lady. A boss favourite too. Haha. Now my branch has too many women which can bring men to shame. Bad for me cuz i wont be able to target anybody here. Well, i wont date a banker. Banker sucks! Im not kidding. We sucks!

Weekend dont feel like weekend now. I used to hate weekend cuz those were the days i need to stay at home with no friends and nothing to do. Bad history i guess. So when i finally have my ultimate capacity to really enjoy my payback and other stuffs come creeping in and take it away from me i go insane. Seriously, i go crazy. What the hell are u kidding me? I just started to like weekend! Sigh. What to do? My mom needs me. I just hope this will be over soon. Expect too much too soon. Sigh. Im really sad. The more you deliver, the more people expect from you. This shit happen no matter where you are be it at work or at home. People will then start to push ur limit and throw their responsibility to you while seeing you suffer. Family is just the same. I take in more than i could shoulder and they started to treat that as if that was my duty. I guess i victimized myself for their freedom. The least they can do is possibly be appreciative.

This week alone 2 of my gals are also surrounded by family problem. All sorts. Family dislike the boyfriend then some money issue. Sad. We are all daughters. Apparently daughters life are harder. Arghhh....

Chill. Chill. Wait till i get sick then you all shall be happy. Like it or not i might not live longer than them. So give me more emotional trauma and i will make u all face ur sin.

If you could hear me now, i wish to tell you that i am very sad right now. Such unbearable heartache. I wish i could sleep away the pain. I wish i... i wish living can be less painful. Im so sad i could not even cry. Helpless... pick me up and guide me pls?
I giv in to you. Pls lead the way. Take me in. Give her life. Take mine instead. Have mercy pls.

Pbb 48th Annual Dinner 1st of November 2014.

It has been a week since that dinner and It feels like forever. The week after that day wasnt too bright and shiny as i wish. Well, if you know my life path, this is the rule. 1 portion of happiness = double the sorrow. 

So, that dinner. Me and my partner in crime arrived early to Hatten Hotel, Melaka for the informal rehearsal. He made me feel so very comfortable on stage. The management cancelled my solo act due to too many staff performance this year. Hmmp... it's okay i guess. I didnt feel confident however I knew things will eventually came around but since i need to choose to sing only one song, without a doubt i choose Beauty and The Beast with my buddy Genesis. 

It was scheduled on the 2nd half show performance number 4. Supposedly no.3 but somehow they let another duet go 1st. The rest of the night was blurry. I didnt really wanna socialize with people around. I just wanna get things done and go home. I hardly even wanna make up. And i didnt. I only had my eye liner and lipstick on for the sake of my performance. Oh and some wax on the hair cuz my darling waxed his hair. His gf is a sweetheart and i obtained her permission to be all over him that very night. Lol.

This time around i told my branch people and my boss much earlier so that they know Seremban has a representative. I didnt go out represent myself as i wish, i went out as a representation of my branch as a whole. Boss ada muka leh... Seremban has been dormant before my arrival. My boss was so delighted he urged all branch staffs to the front stage to give full support to me. My buddy also has a group of supporter cuz well, he is a very popular mobile officer in my region. The cheering was so loud we cant even hear the music. We kept it cool and also showed appreciation to our supporters. So we were basically torn between wanting to indulge in the emotion of the song or to freak out and be responsive to our supporters. 

It was a lovely beautiful duet song. We gave it a finishing hug ending and it was a blast! 

I had a great duo performance. A public duo, short but full designed performance. Working wise i had a great time. My buddy was assigned to my branch for a week. I got to enjoy his companion and it has been too long since the last one. We get to talk so much and the fact that we share so much of similarities, we could talk days. The surprise came on Friday when he got to know that he was grounded in the sister branch. And there will also be many promotion and transfer of staffs happening around me. Could and will affect me indirectly but it would be a new and refreshing start. 

Home wise. Well, mom was on and off dizzy and yea difficult. In this month. Similar time of hell just like last year. Im so depressed! So very disappointed and unhappy. I hated when i care too much but eventually these people made me cry. 

Its so frustrated! 

Sigh. When people fail me more than once i will give up on them. This has been my principle. I dont spend my time for unnecessary people cuz i dont even have time for myself. I told my buddy this that day and he was like awhh... i feel so privileged. Lol. 

When i talk to him i feel like i was reassuring myself of certain thinking of mine.

Mainly about friendship cuz recently i feel like i have nobody really. I remember joanne wong once told me that i should be grateful during my bday party that all my friends came as per invitation. I know it by heart and i never have a doubt that they love me. Maybe i expected too much. Maybe i was yearning something else. I dont know. I just feel so bad and sad when i cant even name a person in need when i needed a friend to share my pain. I dont necessary need a person to shoulder me while im crying. I just need a figure to tell me hey, ill be around and my company will let u escape your problem for awhile so you dont lose your head when you face it later.

My dog passing will soon reached a year's period. I want to.... i mean i dont wanna forget my baby. Yoke shan told me when she recall the time she spent with late Ruby she can smile cuz she genuinely remember how happie they were then. 

I havent been able to do so. I dont allow even pieces of memory fly by cuz it does more damage than recovering. I wonder how i will go through that day this time around. 

I used to dream big and want everything the world could offer. Now i just wanna be happy and nothing else. 

Could you grant me my wish?

31st Oct 2014

It has been a year. Last year today I was at Sunway with a friend attended One Republic concert. One of the day that i cherished. 1st concert. Before everything turn upside down the next day.

1st November 2013 i was told that my dog couldnt stand on his own and having difficulty walking. Last year that day i have forgotten that 2nd Nov was my 2nd anniversary of me joining pbb. This year 1st November, Pbb the n'th anniversary annual dinner is conducted. I'm performing 2 songs this time. 1 solo act singing Saving all my love 4u (yea, i noe i screwed up that song in audition, but i screwed up many times and i bounced back right?) and another duet belting Beauty and the beast with Genesis Khoo. :)

I havent feel any nerve wreaking yet. Maybe tomorrow when i see the stage and how everything not working... then ill be scared. For now...chill. i was so angry since yesterday cuz i just couldnt get my downloaded song in phone to my lappy and then channel them to my pendrives. Omg! Why is this happening? Well, i cancelled my broadband. And i somehow got a way to dl from phone and all the methods i know from bluetooth to usb connections all are not working. Not even share modem...  wtf. Until today when i finally sorted this out that i feel somewhat relieve. And my throat ache. Hello lucky gal!!!

So tomorrow will be a busy hectic day until i finished with both songs. Then come Sunday... holly molly sunday which marked my 3rd year with Pbb. 

No comment! 

No. Im just kidding! How on earth would i have nothing to say about my 3rd anniversary. This kinda relationship is like you are married to your 2nd love and you often find it so unsatisfactory but somehow some love bridge is built and it is workable and that you could lead a perfectly normal life or maybe fulfilling too. 

But you will always craving for a love far fetched. 

What do you think? I think it perfectly makes sense. 

That sound utterly sad right? 

If you feel me then pity me. Once in awhile maybe try to cheer me up or something. 

That day a senior told me about the regrets he had and how that feeling hurt him.

The wanted feeling was gone and he is wanting that back. When i meditate him i feel like i was actually soothing myself. 

I have a fair share of feeling about this kinda dilemma. This almost complete gal with flaws also managed to get some flirty boys. Every time when things seem to be going somewhere or when they thought we could go further when we are really not or that i thought wrongly, those attention will stop eventually. Being highly needed attention i suddenly feel lonely which im used to. However i do not like the feeling of having it and then have it being taken away. 

Sometimes it was me who back off. Cuz i only want the attention i seek for. I feel discomfort and reluctant for other kind of sweet talk and those flirty relationship which aint going anywhere.

For who still confuse, im a pretty serious person especially towards sensitive issues like relationship and gender equality, strays and family. 

You dont come mess with me and tell me things you dont mean cuz i will give you one tight slap on that pretty face. Oh i love you but sorry cuz i say it to other gals too. Oh i wanted to know u more and i really like you but i dont wish to be with you now, oh wait im just joking! 

So, thats why im still alone and lonely. I am not waiting for mr right. God, mr right will have to die many times to get all the genes to be the man i truly wish for. I dont wanna die as old virgin too. Anway, work keep me going and the constant care to my job and my mom kinda make me not wanting to commit to another responsibility. I wanted to take in a puppy though. Yearning... but until i can find my heart to accept another future blows. I keep my ultimate goal close to my heart. To buy a banglo lot and save strays by which i mean poor animals. I wont save humans cuz they have functional brains. If human dont help themselves then they must die cuz they dont deserve to be alive and breathing. Waste of environment resources. Lol. 

Im testing pendrives now and good, those stuff are working nicely. OcD kicks in. Downloaded 2 same songs but cant decide to keep which. Arghhhhh....

12am dy. Well if i must choose between being pretty or to be flawless in performance tomorrow... then i rather have the latter. Cuz im already pretty. Roll eyes...

okok. Report more soon. Xoxo.

Oct 22nd 14 part 2~ The night of The Elusive Chanteuse Concerto.

I reached BTS around 3pm. Met up with Fang and she fetched me to The Mines to eat, walk and shop. Didnt plan to shop but we have plenty of times and so very fortunate i shopped. 

Got some cheap shirts and a pair of discounted hush puppies heels. Everything was packed in Fang's car. I was sent back to BTS and change route two times and reach Maharajarela monorail station to Stadium Merdeka. Once i reached and walk out from the station i was so panic cuz it was raining very heavily. I had my poncho ready but gosh i cant tell you enough how bad my day could be. 

I reached there 7.30pm and i wore my poncho and quickly checked in. No umbrella no water bottle and etc. Stupid management.

Fine! Many got stuck at the corridors cuz they were unwilling to get wet so soon. Nah, i cant wait to begin. When i walked to my seat, the field was wet and muddy. Soaked up to my levis. Arghhh. Then i begin to check on my number. Row 10 no.59. It was at the last few seat at the end of the line. Fuck! There were 2 other siblings behind me. Luckily they were pretty nice for some chat. Very young siblings. 20 and 18 yrs old. The boy face resembles my 1st love. People of all ages were there. Some come with partners while some come with children as young as 5 yrs old. You know who else i saw? Jacklyn Victor. 1m away and i called out to her. She didnt layan me. Im so sure she hear me but she was so babi she didnt layan me. She might wanna be low key but still you cant go around making people looking like a fool. Anyway, the show is about Mariah and Mariah only. So what if Obama is here. 

This one was taken by her team posted online. Yes she is that pretty :) Her 1st costume.

The siblings came as early as 6.30pm just like Milo teacher. The show delayed for 1 hour and 15 minutes. God. My fingers were crinkled and my hair was wet and dripping with rain water. Guess what? My poncho was badly broken. The head and armpit sites were all slit open. That piece of shit was bought in April and has never been use. The one given by the management was so paper thin and cheap like it would be easily damaged just by the slightest touch. My bag zipper was also broken. So my wallet and phone was expose to snatcher and rain. Fuck! 

The show finally start at 9.15pm. 

The crowd, all poncho clad was so pumped up we started screaming like crazy. The news paper quoted a 12k attenders. The scream was so infectious like a continuous wave and it only got stronger with every higher note sang and much anticipated whistling. 

She also changes a few set of dresses and whoah, they were pretty hawt. Not too revealing to suit our Malaysian culture but sweet sweet pee-a-boo at the cleavage. Lol. 

She was energetic, in a fantastic mood and very attentive towards our respond. I know almost every song. But she sing best in Fly like a bird, a song that i wasnt very familiar in. You can almost feel she bare all her soul into it. Every single word was sang so beautifully. As a singer (amateur) myself i can hear that she struggled through some songs and she couldnt reach some lower note or higher one as easily as she could last time. Very very minimal flaws. But she control and cover it smartly of course. 

I went to witness my idol, a hero that inspired me to be a singer, my trainer who can never do wrong in belting ballads. A figure who indirectly teaches me singing techniques where most chinese cant do. And i have a weak dolphin whistling too. I cant recall which song she sing that caught my attention before i made her as my fav. But she is one of the 3 diva i love dearly. 

Mariah 1st, Celion then Whitney. 

Her song help me meditate when i was grieving. I would purposely drive long journey and listen to her songs especially Butterfly so that i could shed tears. I also remember one time when i participate in high school english week singing competition, i daringly sing her song Hero but screw up kinda badly. Now if u ever hear me sing her song in k room, you will know what a fan i am.

When you love someone you see her as a perfect being with flaws. So what that she is now plump, mind you she gave birth to a twins and she embraced motherhood as womanly as possible. So what she cant hit all her song perfectly? So a singer cant be anything less than 10/10 all the time? She is 45 yrs old! You cant expect her to sing her hits like she was 20 yrs old. Com'on lar bro. Be fair okay.

 I like how thestar newspaper comment on the concert. The author say Mariah sings like she has got a point to prove. Even is she is not fit enough in anyway that very night, the only person who can point that out is us, those who went to the concert. So the rest please keep silence. Respect yourself!

I like it when she call us darling. I love it when she communicate with us with passion, alternately and spontaneously addressing kuala lumpur and the rain and us. She would talk melodically with us. Her soft whispering tone was so alluring. And boy, she hit all those whistling effortlessly. 

There were also technical errors when the team fail to set the grand piano so she could sit on it. After the meteor shower, the spark caught fire on the curtain. The camera got a good close up at it and audience was very concern. It was put out within seconds though. 

The last song was We belong together. All Vvip people rushed to the front to celebrate the song and she too got so excited and requested her team to get a good photo of us waving hands to her. The fans being hard core fans will not leave until encore was ensured. She sang Always be my baby. 

Damnmit. I was so close yet my stupid note 3 didnt get a best shot due to shaky hands. When Mariah spot some fans with pretty sign boards, she addressed them. 3 men managed to talked to her and show her their cardboard stating undivided 24 yrs of love towards her work and presented her a fans book. They call themselves lambily. God. I hate them. I am suppose to be the one getting that attention. Now i call myself lambily too. :p

Noting that she might not do 2nd encore, and time was already 11pm, i rushed back to monarail only to see a sardine packed train. That sight was more terrifying than the muddy field. I wasnt very conscious the whole journey back to Bts cuz i still havent manage to get my soul out from the stadium. If i could i wanna be the last person who got out from the stadium so that i could catch a glimpse at her closely. On the way out i saw Marsha, a local malay celebrity. Oh well.... x layan lar. Lol.

I couldnt be happier seeing Fang already at Bts station waiting for me. My rescuer. We were both so hungry we tapau at a mamak and only ate at 12pm. Then only I realized my heels was broken...TOO. Can you imagine what could have happen to me if they get completely broken when im in the concert.

I call that night perfection! The fans endured rain and thunder all the way through the concert. 3 1/2 hours under the rain. I am more than happy to be  part of the event. I hope Mariah have a good time here too. A return after 10 years. You dont get this often. 

It seems so surreal when she finally show up that night. I feel so alive, i guess that is what happie feels like. A dream come true. When i was singing before my fwenz during my bday i had this feeling. When i was at bali, at tanah lot i had this feeling.

*

*

*

The only concert i regret skipping this year was Alicia Keys'. Im not gonna miss any more of my fav. 

22 Oct 2014

A.K.A

The Elusive Chanteuse Concert of 

Mariah Carey

At Stadium Merdeka. 8pm tonight. 

Well, again numbered seating outdoor concert. The only different this time is that i switch my position to Vvip and its numbered. So i dont need to rush to the event and try to secure a better seat to watch her live. I dont longer go gaga over celebrity. Maybe if Nsync will reunite and come to Malaysia then you may find me screaming and lining up at wee hour just to catch a glimpse at them. 

I cant wait to see The Script next year though.

Oh well, after 2 weeks of challenging period i guess i deserve a lovely date with Mariah without much disturbance. Finger crossed. Fang will be providing accommodation for me :) Sweet sweet fang. I wanted to book a hotel earlier but it will be costly especially im in such a rush. You dont pay unless you got to enjoy right?

Longing... the train stopped!
 Im always longing for something. There is always something missing and i wonder why. Thats why im always going after something. Well.

I needa find a secluded place for a selfie. Cuz i look kinda pretty today. ;)

I wonder if tonight will rain? I thought of doing something or dressed up in some way so that Mariah will notice me just like what Milo teacher did. But all those stresses from home, fulfilling office assignment to rushing home to cater to my mom totally taken a toll on me. My me time for reading, bloging, chatting and day dreaming...lol... all have to put on hold. 

The only joy i have at the moment is to watch tv, some reality singing show and spongebob squarepant (U). I use to hate spongebob and i thought it was the ugliest cartoon ever produced. But its capability to reduce stress with its nonsense story lines kinda make you fall in love with its characters. Unlike family guy (18sx), the way they make u laugh is from its pure and simplest story telling, sometimes ugly.

:)

Today will be a good day. 

I hope my journey from here now onwards will be a smooth one. 

BTW day 2

After having 4 days of EL i dont really feel like going back to work. Not that i dont wish to work and prefer to stay at home. I cannot slow down on anything. When im at work, im basically on fire. Im on the go. I started to miss the energetic me, the one who people tease who produce the most number of cases. The speedo. Well, sales goes down, slow moving of cases and some attitude issue got in the way. I become lazy. Its quite impossible to link me to laziness at work but i guess it shows lately. This month is a hell month. These 2 days were quite rushy. I missed out two blessed afternoon caffeine intake. Rush home to check out on my mom, and cater to her lunch. Cant stay late at work cuz needa pick up food from aunt and send back to mom. Hope my boss will understand. He is more a fatherly figure to me than my dad sometimes. A man i wish to impress and be liked. 

My aunt, her daughter is fighting with cancer. Today she had a CTscan to check on her illness and they spotted two more spots of bitches lurking around in liver and bladder. My heart sank cuz i feel for her parents. I feel so terrible. She already had two season of chemotherapy and is on going on her third. Why is life so unfair? She is only 19 years old! 

I applause my aunt. She took it coolly not because she aint scare but she has no choice but to see beyond fear and be in control. Something my mom might not be able to do. But my mother indeed take her best courage to face her health issue for me. If i were in her position which already happened 5 years ago, i do what i did best lor. I crumbled and fallen to pieces, then when i get the fact that i wont die immediately, i choose to ignore and totally forgotten about it. Lol. Now im scared. Im pondering and am very reluctant to meet specialist. But my health care fee is surely protected by public bank. Only the procedure wise is a bit tedious. 

These week i experienced a working woman cum housewife's routine. I hated it so so much. I never like doing house chores. You dont necessary like what you do best right. Oh well i score another best dislike into my list. It's so fucking routine based and fucking tiring. And the best part is the boys at home is completely useless. If they can participate just a little in just doing their part of necessity, i would have spared a great deal of shits. A house cannot have an available woman or the boy will make the best use of her. Worst of all, my mom will keep pester on how certain thing needs to be done in certain ways. Of course she get herself an earful shares of annoyance from me too. Seriously, my point is a woman can be a superwoman, be completely proficient in both world only if she dedicates her whole life to her man n children. Well, if they are worthy to die for. 

For me it will be clear with either or kinda choice. 

If i am to work, i rather pay a cleaner to satisfy my cleanliness needs. 

Im too ego to completely devote my best to men i dont feel worthy of. Nuff say. Practically, if i can pay them to do their job, i would. 

Thanks to my mom of spoiling them, now they face the consequences. Basically i was the one have to deal with it. Arghhhhh. Equality and fairness among genders, fuck yea, talk to my ass! People never learn. Or they just ignore. Men choose to ignore, women try to care less, men continue to ignore, women feel agitated and finally give in to cleaning, babysit these men and die for them.

Growing up in this kinda family make me more cautious in meeting and even choosing male fwens. 

T.T

Mom is doing okay anyway. 

Congrats!!!

EL day 3...

I missed a day... oh, i was too busy doing the hospital discharge, get medicine, packed and unpacked stuffs, get my mom homed and upstair, then fixed her on bed, get her to toilet, reassured her emotion and physical needs and all. God i do all these myself. Very fortunately my aunt step in to assist in taking care of her meal. The rest the house and exclude ironing the clothes i have to bao ka liao. 

I didnt know i am capable of that. Maybe i do but i just dislike doing it. Particularly maybe because i was selfish and calculative. Why me and not my brother? How come he can escape all these? If its not for my mom, i would teach him a good lesson. After all, he enjoy having a mom without being a son, then he should enjoy washing the underwear himself right? Correct or not? Anyway, maybe touch wood, he will fully take charge the next time if my father ever need to be admitted to hospital. Of course nobody wants anybody to be in either position. 

I was being a rebel as a bank officer. I escape almost all calls. Tomorrow is my last EL so im a bit worry of wednesday arrangement. How to cater to my mom? Aisey! Work wise should not be a big issue. There is some complication happening but i guess both my strong relieves colleague will do a good job in assisting. I have in fact guided and helped them a lot during their entry to the branch and another during her maternity leave. Its time i claim my reward. 

My junior is also doing a fine job. I hope my boss sees his hard work. He maybe annoying at times flirting with almost every gal in the bank, but he indeed is hard working. Very difficult to get a newbie like this any more especially a good guy newbie. 

My mom is still quite dizzy which could be resulted by many reasons. Sigh. The doctor say her urine femine test wasnt very nice and indicate weakening of kidneys. I feel like my world is collapsing again. That kinda feeling isnt very pleasant. Tomorrow need to see that doctor again to follow up on the wound. I dont really like dealing with her but as long as she do a fine job for my mom's recovery i will continue using her service. 

Sometimes some burden are meant to be shared. Some are meant to be kept to our own. 

But i could use a break. 

Saturday EL weekend

3rd day at hospital. Mom was much better. After her final vomit after dinner yesterday, she no longer felt too much pain. She managed to get some sleep which means i too managed to get some sleep. 

Morning came and she was totally a different person. Her urine bag was removed. Her drip was taken out as well. She can walked to the toilet too. Her doctor said she can be discharged tomorrow. Thank goodness! I have been on zombie mode for 48 hours. Some great fwens came to give support both mine and my mother's. Some relative is also very caring. My aunt and my grandma & my cousin bro too.

These 2 nights i only have my open diary, bad line facebook and a new novel to accompany me. 

I wish to find some chatter but i guess i dont have anyone i can open up to. Sigh. 

This morning i had my brother packed my panties and a shirt to me. Haha. I hate to ask so but i have no choice. I think i hate my dad more than my brother? 

Whatever! 

Now that i have a full set of cotton made under garments, i feel much complete. But i looked like a mess.

She had to stop smoking. A blood and urine tests were done and her urine test seems weak. Doctor say this indicate weak kidney and need some effort to stop hurting them. Sigh. I almost instantly feel like crying again. 

Doctor say tomorrow she can be discharged. So i have 1 day earlier to adjust myself on how to handle my mom at this condition at home. 

I hate how i allow the nurse to make us move to another room to allow another male patient's entry. My senses only kicked in questioning why on earth must i move instead of another patient? Cuz she is malay? Cuz she is weaker than my mom who underwent a major operation? You may think removing uterus is very common among women but removing an organ is a major operation. You can survive without it doesnt mean you could survive the complexity of its surgery. My aunt said i wasnt calculative but my uncle said i shouldnt have gave in. Fuck! Bullies in hospital? If it isnt for their good hospitality which made my mother feel much comfortable i wouldnt be nice with them. 

God stop this nightmare already. I seriously need sleep. I have not stop coughing and i feel fever is coming. I hope not. This is the part when i see a heartbroken scenes in some hong kong drama which i would be glad that i am not part of. 

Unfortunately this time i am part of it. 

I only seek quick and full recovery for my mom. It is beneficial to both of us.

She is a solid fighter. She really is.  

:')

EL day 2

I couldnt sleep whole night basically cuz the room was stupid cold and the aunty who sleep just next to the controller whom is also freezing cold didnt adjust the temperature. 6k vacation trip to Columbia Hospital with bad sleep and worry. It should only happen once and result should be a great one. 

I only managed to doze off in and out. I dont think my mother sleep as well. 2am nurses came in once. 5 am they came in again. Reminding my mom to take medicine, not to eat any food. Then again around 7am they hooked her up with Oxygen tank for her lungs due to her asthma history. Then ask her to change clothes a sexy bare buttock cloth and detach all necessary. Basically she has no time to fear much cuz that transition time for her to prepare from not knowing when to operate to knowing now to operate is so short. There is no time to freak out. However by the time she was asked to lay in another bed to the theatre room we both cried. I can never see her cry. I wasnt suppose to cry until she is knock off but i guess i need to improve on it. Actual time frame is 40min plus. But it might take longer if she is not prepare or too scare resulted a shoot in blood pressure. Arghhhhhh... pls dont take my effort for granted.
*
Ok. She is fine. Out safe but in great pain. Initially it was a lot of shiver and terrible cold. The great pain and discomfort comes afterword made her so restless. The pain was literally killing her.
At 3.3pm, we finally decided to giv her morphine. Then finally she was able to sleep in with the dizziness. But the injection made her vomit several times which doctor and nurses said it was the side effect. Today is a difficult long day for her.

I feel so useless. I cant do anything to stop the pain let alone be comfort to her. I manage to go home and bring blanket back for another cold night. I never like sleeping in hotel with a presence of room mate. So now i can add a new dislike. I dislike unbearable cold resulted by air conditioner. I was so blur with no sleep for 24 hours plus leaving my mother to several people who i couldnt count on make me rush things over and anxious. I forget to bring underwear! I cant be wearing the same for another day. Luckily i found some paper underwear which was suppose to be use by mother provided by the hospital.

Sigh. Im very sad. Im so sad i have to endure this alone. Im sad cuz she suffer so much. Im so sad i was part of the bunch who advise her to execute the operation. Im sad seeing her this way. Im sad im not wearing my own comfy underwear. Fuck!

But she is alive n kicking. Thats all that matters right?  A survivor. I had an urge to cry. I just do not know how to start now?

:'(

EL day 1 part 2.

Hi there. Some test were done but mostly was just pure waiting from 10am to 3pm. 

We get a room at 1st floor no. 96 b, a 2 patients room. Huge with a built in toilet. My aunt was there with us whole day cuz she has experiences dealing with hospital rules and regulations. She talks a lot which is good cuz it keeps my mother busy & accompanied. 

Sigh. I am worried. Im really worried. But i know it will be a smooth one. Im ready to handle all the consequences. Im ready. Im gonna miss annebelle. Im gonna miss any weekend dates and karaoke all at least for a weeks. 14 days maybe. Sufficient enough for my mom to gain energy to allow me to go mariah's concert on 22nd. Sufficient enough for me to practice and to perform on Nov 1st PBB annual dinner. Which is why i say this surgery thing is at a perfect timing. Anything after will be much difficult to arrange. Ive utilize 4 out of my last 6 annual leaves. I didnt take compassionate leaves cuz i dont like the option available. Death, disaster or critical illness. Not of these sounds comforting. 

Gosh. Im now not sleepy yet. She is too not sleeping yet. Another patient in the room is snoring so ever loudly. Omg. 

Im sorry you need to endure this. I might not be this brave to face sickness too. But i have a good life tenure to battle against any sickness at my age. U dont. Ure 50 yrs old. Each year weaken ur body and by then u might be too weak to do anything. 

Good deeds u have done is witness by the universe. 

Im the perfect evidence. Your masterpiece your proud creation. For that you deserve nothing less than great long life. 

Love u mom.

EL day 1

Ive taken EL from Thursday till next Tuesday. 

It was in the morning and boss mood wasn't at his best. Morning is always his angriest period. I seek his permission to take a long EL. His expression was a bit out of my expectation. He asked what about my dad? Why do I need so many days? 

I was brutally honest, i say he cannot be count on. 

I think he fumbled a bit on my answer and ask me to explain. I couldn't and he just kinda talk a little bit more but i couldn't listen further. I want my leaves and there is no room for negotiation. He knows it.

I offer that i can come back if needed during that period. He say that is not necessary but on only 1 condition, on call on the phone. I had too many stuff to follow but recently sales slow down. What he didn't know is that i have everything under control and i have plan timing very nicely. Furthermore i have 2 good relieves. I have assigned my cases out like a Santa. Yes, i'm becoming less target oriented. Well, this month performance will suffer anyway. Which i have done a lot to prevent being scolded.

My boss would understand. Anyhow, he has a few newbies to train. I guess he will be entertained. 

My mom's mood gets a little better. I teased her the way she pack her necessary into luggage like she was going on vacation. 

Then i told her that she needed to practice and i was wondering how she gotta go vacation by bus with all these packages. 

Ha ha ha.....

I know its not funny. Sigh. What can i do?

I have been wondering whether i gave any wrong advise? The same happened when i decided on my dog's life, making decision on his behalf. Seriously, who am i to decide on anyone's life? Im still blaming and hating myself to my core of how i betray my love. How i make that ultimate decision blinded by other's needs... my gosh. He was suffering.... that doesnt matter anymore right? :'(

 I can only wish he deserve all wellness and love in after life. If i can torture myself to allow his well being i would. 

Now, im again thrown into a similar situation. This is my mother. Why do you always want to punish me this way? I always have the best solid reason why i advise my suggestion to certain people. 

But... who am i to decide on people's life. Arghhh

Now i can't even cry cuz i have no room for myself. 

Maybe when she is in the operation theatre then i would bawl out. Fuck!

Fml

Review of Asian Got Talent. Just me ~

So yea, Ive failed the audition. Not surprising though. Just very sayang. Let me tell you why. 

Lol. 

Well, 1st of all, i didnt go with much enthusiasm. Ive never go to an audition without a fixed song choice. Ive set my mind with Saving all my love by late Whitney Houston earlier. However i keep having anxiety over that song choice and was torn between some other song like If i aint got you, Mercy and Ocean Deep. I was thinking how to prioritize cuz they also ask for a preparation of 3 songs just in case they wanna listen further. 

Arrived on time to audition meaning arrived late. When i was there 5 min b4 9am, crowds were already in. Silly of me thinking that i would have an advantage cuz ive registered online. Well, there aint any. The gals, pumpkin, fang and mun were with me all along. The night before we were having a karaoke date together at green box cheras selatan. I was invited to stay overnight at fang's place. 

The crowd quickly filled in at taylor' university block B theatre 21 and 22. Very nicely maintained environment i must say. The line move so slow and i wonder what take the arrangement so long. I was moving very slowly and if my timing was right which i dont doubt, i was standing before the entry measuring 3 meters away for 4 hours. People was getting tired and restless. Some with instruments started jamming with each others and strangers. It was a beautiful sight. The youngs get together jamming song, beat boxing and chatting. Some bring along friends while mainly made new friends. Me too being cold somehow manage to chat along with a few in the same row, front and back row's strangers as well. 

Eventually once we get our registered number, we were sent into a room, i suspect lecture hall to wait for another 2 hours. Then i got to know that there were 5 audition rooms with different judges for different act. A total 6 hours of waiting worn me down. If i know i will have to wait for that long knowing that i wont even have a heart to fight hard, maybe i will hold my horse. 

When it was my turn, i was going in with so much annoyance for holding my pee for sometimes. Hold or risk being call in much later.Those fucked up faces of the judges and their tired and bored faces arghhhh... i noe ive lost even before i sing. 

I fought for 2 songs to be heard. It only lasted almost a minute plus. They urged you to speed to its climax cuz they cant wait you to finish and leave them. Perhaps i should have just sing a chorus of my fav. Perhaps i should fill in all my performance list and award into the registered form before sending in. Then i need to wait for the 10th person to sing before we were led to another waiting area to know our result. 2 guys with guitars and another malay gal from my group got it. Sad n yes, it was over. It was a good journey and im happy that i experienced it. The gals then fetch me to have late lunch/dinner as i only manage to take a few bite of buns and latte from starbuck for breakfast. How cool was it that taylor university hosted a starbuck and oldtown cafe in their enclosure?! 

We went to the famous boat noodle at kuchai lama and i had 6 small bowls and sealed the night with a dessert. My gals never fail me for being the best companions and the best comfort when i fell hard to the ground. My mind was a mess before i see them and knowing that i would need to compete in this kinda make it worst. The moment i saw pumpkin at ktm station i felt relieved. Its like i found an answer to a hard solving question. :) They dont turn away when i needed somebody. I dont mean to compare but if i have to choose, they will be the 1st i will share my reward with.

*

Its kinda weird for me to report stuff after weeks of its actual date but i havent got time for it. I was kinda sick with cough and flu and some work stuff though lately i was kinda free. I started to find courage in leadership in my job and im happy for the fact that i can always escape from being in the hot soup. It must be something that i ve done right.

I tried my hand on marketing and sales, basically walking distributing flyer and marked my territory with another colleague at Mantin. Whoah, i felt my skin thickened by an inch. I dislike what i did but it was necessary. Guess what? Im going to a Ecohill developer to work tomorrow. My beautiful Sunday will be taken. Yes, it was necessary too. 

*

I have done reading The fault in our star. 

I fell in love with yet another fictional character. 

Augustus Waters. A beautifully written love story.

I cant judge John Green yet just by one novel. So i will read another one of his before telling if i like him as a whole. 

I love his cancer loving story. How those effects of dying is more than just wanting to die. What brilliant quotes he has in his pockets. Reading his novel is like going to a valuable ride. But i dont wanna love this way like Hazel and Gus. I might be afraid of dying but im also afraid of losing a loved one. I never want to experience that any more. 

Even finishing that novel makes me sad. 

:(

Im sick and im very unhappie.

:'(

Im being very emotional lately. That feeling of not wanting to communicate, to answer or to come clean and wondering what and who to tell is devastating. It happened when my 1st dog died. It happened when my grandpa died. It happened badly when my dearest 2nd dog died. So whats the deal this time you ask?

My mom did a pap smear test and not that we dont already know but this time it was confirmed some growth in the neck of uterus. Doctor recommended to get it off with several manner of operation methods to choose from. 

She being the weak and vulnerable couldnt handle it and cried whole day. Me acting tough can only carry on to act tough and be her pillar of strength. 

It was bad to know that the closest one is sick and you are simply helpless. Its worst when she is indecisive on whether or not to proceed with operation. Me being completely clueless on this matter can only keep encourage her to talk to women around to get more reality check that it is a normal sickness and many of them had gone thru it. Talking is easy but standing on her point of view is different. She is afraid of operation let alone dying in operation. Sigh. 

Im scared too. I dont want this to happen. Everything about her bothers me, which is a good thing cuz i guess i love her. All my life i just wanted her to be happie. When im trying so hard, her never ending misery life put another spin in her pathway. Why? Although the sickness she has isnt an immediate life threatening illness in comparison with my cousin's which i think was spindle sarcoma cells cancer attached to her stomach and liver.

She is a cancer survival and is recovering and still under chemo which leaves her a bag of bones.

It is a pitiful sight but it isnt half of what her mother is enduring. Now im dealing with it, i sometimes wonder if i can choose to endure my mother sickness, would it be better?

I know i had a breakdown too when i first discover that i have a benign in my left breast. But it isnt cancer. And i left it unmonitored for the past ermm...5 years. But i was just starting my higher education and that was my 1st taste of freedom period. Ofcourse i was scare of losing that all. The same is going thru with my mom. Very much the same. 

If i could take that away at least i can make call and take charge of my life. Now that i cant decide for her and i have to be part of the whole solvable misery but with uncertainty, i feel very upset. 

When sickness come visit us by surprises, i begin to suspect maybe some of my skin itchiness and some other issue maybe terminal illness too. Fml.

I hate this wanting to shut down communication feeling. Especially when i wanted to go for the 1st ever asian got talent audition. I dont have mood for preparation. I feel like pulling out. Nothing to lose anyway. I hated any kind of barriers. This specifically the ultimate betrayal life has on me. Im going anyway. 

When i took my banker exam last year, i was dealing with so much pain and sorrow. I failed it and this year they force me to retake when i told them it was a curse and i wont pass it. Indeed i failed again. It wasnt hard. I just couldnt find heart to fight hard.

Im clueless now. I wanna seek help. I wanna talk this over but if only that would even help. I know my mother behaviour. I wanted somebody positive to talk to her. Im not even close of being one and my patience is constantly wearing down. This form of desperation i dont know how many people understand. Everytime i feel like i achieve something, bad news wash ashored. Every single fucking time. I actually have my heart ready to face it but it never feel good. It just never is. 

Look. I dont seek high ambition though i have hope. I dont seek dreams come true but i have wish. I just wanted a non worrisome life. Why this piece of shit so bloody difficult? 

*

Am reading the fault in our star. Im in awe with the author's use of simple but articulate phrasing and story telling. Of course the movie with the perfect Augustes impersonation from the movie helps. 

Got myself some cheap books in Big Bad Wolf sales in seremban. Disappointed with some missing author's pieces though. Anyway, it is a small booth. Ive been to one at serdang upm hall. That was a huge one. Those time they run once yearly only.

Well. Wish me luck tomorow. I just wanna be the best i could. I cant be the best of the lot anyway.   

Oops I did it again!

So yea... i did it again. Surprise! Lol. I seriously feel that i have some adrenalin madness or that i was hungry for agitation! I saw a post by a FB friend and it was an audition call to a show named Asian Got Talent. Im sure those who watch reality shows will know where this theme originated from and who is the big man behind the show. It was named Asian Got Talent and not Malaysian Got Talent or others u may thought of. Thus it will be more internationally designed and there will be no restriction in language or age or other nonsense boundaries. Yay!

Once i have a good look on the venue and time, i quickly got into the link and registered my name to it. 

I guess the bday party was the righteous decision ive ever made cuz that wake up call worked its magic. Now im not gonna sit on any opportunity, no more hesitation. 

Anyhow, this whole thing involve not just Malaysian, it will spread throughout Asian. Thus the amount of talent who may bump to the competition will be incredibly high which also mean i stand a very little chance to be selected.

Since i might not at all be making it big, why dont just go and even try for fun. With little to expect, i should hav no pressure to deliver and be judged. 

Maybe my luck will somehow get me noticed rite? Well i wouldnt noe but no harm trying. 

I truly believe effort will bring in success. Mine was minimal against my passion. So trying out and exposing myself is already a great deal. 

Wish me best of luck okay? 

The only issue is that the audition is scheduled on 28th of september. Only 1 goddamn week to practice and to make decision on song choice. Maybe its a good sign after all. If i were to be informed earlier on this like the greenbox competition, i will continue to have sleepless night for a very long time. 

Lol

I like the current me :) 

(minus the sleeping issue!)

*

*

*

Recently, i see a lot of name tagging involving driving license, top 10 books and 20 things ppl do not know about you kinda games in FB. I suppose all these starts once the ice bucket challenge stops as abruptly as it goes viral. 

I thought it is pretty fun. Listing it in FB macam very overrated. In blog means more subdued kan...

Lets go: 20 thgs u may not know about me. 

Hmmp, im really like an open book particularly in here... Oh well, cuba la.

1. I have a big crush in Jc Chasez from Nsync since yr 5 to form 5. This is his current look. Dont u think angmoh has ever lasting beauty? I thk we can make pretty awesome baby. Hahaha.

2. Ever since i was young, i knew i will get married in the age of 27. Whoah! Expiring jor. 

3. I had a girl crush when i was in high school. She was very charming. Wondering if she is alive. Same batch, non chinese. Dont bother guessing k. But then i fall for boys in f6. Not so gay after all. 

4. I was very Very WEAK in english up to form 4. Had a factual slap in the face about how bad my english was by a form teacher. I couldnt even phrase a proper sentence. Yes, the gruesome effort paid off living by the dictionary everyday until form 6. Muet band 5 okay :) i took twice tho. Still bad in spelling. Always mispell stuff.

5. I took spanish language as an extra in university cuz nsync sang a spanish version of This I Promise You. And guess what? Both my male and female spanish teachers were hawt!! Imported from Europe! I fail the exam :( was too busy with activities. Super busy!

6. I always love singing but i always lie about my dream. I will often say that i dream of being a fashion designer which was my 2nd love. Not now of course.

7. I never have long hair the whole primary school period. Somehow my mom like to make me keep it short. T.T which i dont like. Well.

8. I thought i had a mental breakdown when i was in form 2 i think. Can't recall clearly. But it was pretty bad. The details... erm, long story short, i couldnt tell a lie. Lol. If u make me lie to u, i will hate u.

9. I have COD. Mild case ba. But please dont talk to me when i wanna switch off my car engine. Or i will have to go one big round of checking. Very embarrassing k. 

10. My 1st original album bought was Dato Siti Nurhaliza'. 1st karaoke competition song was her killer hit Purnama Merindu in standard six.

11. I will try my best to avoid 3 types of person.

a. Stingy ppl

b. Weirdo

c. Big old smelly yucky male with bad manner.

12. I have a bad tolerance to odour. Although i do have problem in my nose senses, somehow it works perfectly well when smelly people walk past me. So most of the time, i will hold my breath if i have to deal with them.

13. I must visit the toilet before i sleep in for good. And i will always bath prior to coming into the bedroom cuz i am scare of my own odour too. 

14. I like practising speeches. This include talking to myself and self convincing. It got serious when i was so self consumed at office. My colleague would be like... joanne, are u talking to me again? Lol

15. I sing and dance in bathroom. Yea~ naked. Thats how my showmanship was awesomely good. Haha. Dun visualize anything. 

16. I eat like mad people when im stress or in great despair. 

17. I hate making decision but i cant let people with bad taste make a decision involving me. So lately i practice not wanting. Then i would have nothing to decide on.

18. I seriously hate phone calls. I dont like to talk over the phone. I end up hating songs that i choose as my ringtone. I used to hav bad calls involving bad news and unhappy stuff. If im in a bad mood i will choose not to pick up your call. But i will answer your message. Then i will lie and i will hate u.

19. Never been to clubbing. I look wild. Maybe i am suppose to be wild. I wanted to be wild. The next bday i want a tattoo :)

20. I have bad skin since i was a kiddo. Lotsa mosquito bites and those ache and itchiness end up in long lasting scars. So kenot wear short skirt lor... sigh. Im a girl with flaws but underneath em all, im pretty good. 

Ha, i can go on... but seriously tired wei listing down stuff. Thats why numbering fail in blogging. Only essay format applies. And which is why i hate numbers. Somehow life has a different plan. Now i end up dealing with number, amount, figures, target, phone calls and mean people. Argh. 

Ok la. Done for today.

xoxo