April Fool 2016

Not sure if i have written any post on 1st of April for the past 5 years.

I used to write almost daily. So i think there was.

Being a hater to joker i think tomorrow will be a day i hate most. But fortunately im surrounded by sensible people. Thus i dont have to hear and be subject to lame jokes and pranks.

I can be funny and damn serious at the same times. The fact that i often care a lot... if you happen to make jokes of something that matters to me im telling you ill be hating you.

*

1st quarter of the year is over.
I have know you for almost half a year.
So much have changed since then.
Days are speeding with no sign of mercy and
time are ticking fast like no body business.

We are on a slow cruise which is hanging in the middle of the sea.
It's beautiful there. Nights stars us and privacy.
But im fearful as there is uncertainties and no clear directions.
There is no land shall the ship sink.
There is no man shall i drown.

Be my truth among the lies.
Dun let me make the fool out of myself.
Ive been one too many.
Not with you pls.

Lets see if you would keep your suggestion about coming Saturday. Im tempted to know if you will proceed with a plan.

Surprise me.

Batman Vs Superman

Ive never watch any new Batman or Superman series. I swear!
But this one is special.
1stly cuz he mentioned about this movie b4.
And we dont have many other movie to choose from. He reserved his bromance movie for me.
So yes, i was already looking forward for this movie for that obvious reason.

Since it was released last thursday, critics began to poured in in all media. Most of them were bad.
Then there are these battle against critics and fans.
Im none of both. I just wanna have a chilling time.
Most probably because i went in with no expectation i found the movie pretty good.
Of course there were some moments in the movies i might have an idea to improvise esp Ben Afflect's suit.

But overall i gave it a 7/10.
I was not bored by it.
Pretty decent! Surprisingly the boy said the same.
I thought he was expecting more action but i didnt see him yawn. :)

Sometimes in a movie like this, you dont go in expecting full action pack just because it was a superhero movie. I like how the drama unfolds. I like the fact that Lex Luther hated heroes cuz he blamed that the hero plays god and god is not fair cuz god didnt save him when he was torture by his father. So he wanted a revenge. Haiz of course he cant win a hero but that itself was a satisfactory act to me who felt the same way but cant do what he did just to express a hatred we kept for so long. That lunatic gave a good crazy performance. Remind me of Joker.

Superman dies. Damn!

Hmmp...

The earliest movie i had with u thus far.
Not too weird. Accommodated.

Good night Panda.
Cheers. Dun stress out.

Outstanding :)

I watched a lot of Disney. But i never thought of being someone's princess.

The princess is always a needy girl who need some prince to save her from harm and cruel evil step mother. Well... maybe i was just jealous cuz i have never been pampered like a princess. More just like a caged overly protected child. 

Thus i never find comfort of being controlled and i failed to understand being protected is not the same as being controlled. I wasnt given the opportunity to tell the different. 

Yet i still watch alot of disney cuz it represent my childhood. The only joy and escape i have when i was young were school and cartoons. All kinds. I was drawn to the happily ever after ending and the positive value that no matter how sucky one's life is, your attitude towards your future determines all. 

You want a better life, go get it. 

Nobody is gonna give it to you.

Whoever comes and is willing to do so is a bonus.

So Ive attended KY sister's wedding, they have this Happy Ever After theme and it was very lovely. 

I didnt plan to be close to the lovely setup photo booth but KY invited. So, i got myself a princess ride :).

Oh yea... outstanding. 

Thats y i never like to give my post a title. 

You see i wander around alot and i will never do the title justice. 

My appraisal for my work performance is out. 

This time it was given by both new managers and they have actually finalized by year end. But like always, the form for us to sign indicating that you have accepted what the company has evaluate you often delayed. 

Yesterday i was on duty whole day thus i dont have an idea that they were calling each officer in for the appraisal meeting. 

I was curious when i saw biz M closes her door for the whole day cuz she hardly does that. 

When my job was done by 5pm, i was called in and yeah... i was asked to see my appraisal. 

I was given the branch highest score as Outstanding. 

The last i had was just Good by my favourite manager. Who is known for his stinginess haha... his strict evaluation on officers. 

Biz M asked to expect big bonus and treat makan... :)

Any time for you dear :)

My current fav has an odd preference on when and where he wish to talk with me. Hmmp...

Time passes real fast when we are on the phone. 

Listening to you begin to feel right and texting you feels weird. Hmmp... 

See you tonight*

Crush. Yuna feat. Usher

Crush
(feat. Usher)

[Verse 1 - Yuna:]
You call me on a lazy afternoon
Asking me what I'm up to
Let's find something to do
Baby I'd be down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down
You know I'd be down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down

[Verse 2 - Yuna:]
I see you arriving in your car
Jet black Mercedes, built in the 70s
Classic like you and me
I'll be coming down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down
I'll be down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down

[Chorus - Yuna:]
I feel a little rush
I think I've got a little crush on you
I hope it's not too much
But babe when I'm with you, I hear it
My heart singing
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la-la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la-la

[Verse 3 - Usher:]
Honestly I shouldn't waste time no more
Cause all these little boys you're chasing, did they break your heart?
I know you've been down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down
I won't let you down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down

[Chorus - Yuna & Usher:]
I feel a little rush
I think I've got a little crush on you
I hope it's not too much
But babe when I'm with you, I hear it
My heart singing
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la-la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la-la

[Bridge - Yuna & Usher:]
I see you the same
I see it in the way that you behave around me
And I can't tell
What we have is different from anyone else
Cause you stop doing what you're doing
When I call you come to me running
And I would do the same for you
So tell me that you feel it too

[Chorus]

[Outro - Yuna & Usher:]
I think I've got a crush, babe
Crush on you too
Feel a little rush, baby
And I feel it too
I think I've got a crush, babe
Crush on you too
Feel a little rush, baby

*
*
*

I heard about the buzz over this song some times back but i didnt get to hear the song until yesterday while travelling to PD.
Her ability to get Usher to sing with her got me thinking that this song must be something RnB and really groovy. She even said that if she cant get Usher to sing the duet, she wouldnt get anyone to replace her first choice.
True to her statement this song with Usher's voice presence totally light up the emotion of the song.

It could be his song as a whole.
Yuna is an incredible artist but not all her song is pleasant to my ears.
This one...
Crush...
Totally mengusik jiwa. This is the immediate words i have in mind. It plucks a string in your heart...
When a melody meet a matching vocal, it's magic!

And i happen to really like Usher too. Haha...
I dont go recommending songs always but only to songs i really connected to.
But i dont think you would love my choice.
We have different taste in music.

*
*
*

I told him that definition of crush to me is someone i really like but he doesnt like me back. Not mutual.
To date i only able to name 3.

Potential candidate is those who likes me but i havent been able to like them back. Lost count. Lol.
Eventually they gave up. Apparently i was just too difficult.

So what about mutual one?
You gave it a name. Potential crush.
I like that name. I have been using it ever since as though it is the best match pairing of word and connection.

*

Randomz

Men in general, if they do not wish to tell you something, they will not mention it and they will not try to answer even if you ask.

If they need to know something they will get the answer from their best effort basis. One way or another.

These are things i've learnt along the way.
Realizing the nature of how men behave make me appreciate their effort to tell me anything and everything they find comfortable to share.

Bff is a different story altogether. Cuz bff function is to tell and share every bitsy thingy.
Anything against this rule is a crime.

There are things they are persistent about which i found silly but perhaps it was me who failed to look past that, to see the actual reason on why they do the things they did.

I might not like it but im learning to respect that. I like the fact that you actually know that i was not in favour of that. You saw and knew and you will remember. Thus for that i hold no grudge.

I want you to understand on why i felt disturbed when you make the decision to go on with your plan on thursday despite everyone telling you to abort the plan. The weather was not kind, the traffic was heavy, the crowd was bad and the menu has wide range of selection but many of your favourite was outta order. I wanted you to have a say on the selection on order.

Maybe you thought that i was just being fussy...
You know that i dont explain a lot.
And you know that i dont always speak my mind.
I only do so in blog cuz not all the time people wish and are ready to know what you have in mind. Well... joanne is simply too complicated.
However my intention has always been sincere and only to your best favour.

Anyway, if you can read me perhaps you already knew. If you cant, then what is the point for me to explain much?

Despite the long queue and the mess and the day's drama, the dinner was a fine date. Happy group chatting and lotsa laughter. It was my treat to celebrate my 1st house ownership and a cheap staff loan granted.

Yesh. Im a proud owner of a new 'old' house and im 250k richer in assets. It is a 1/4 of a million if u must know. Hahaha... i just cant feel the cash but the victory is mine.

:)

Proud of your achievement this month.
I remember you said that so long you want to do it, you will make it. Fact proven.
Very good job.

Well.
Well.

*

I think i could forgive the past.
I could talk freely with him now.
Because i have finally moved on.

*

KY sister"s wedding.

Quite a different ceremony. 

At a hotel grand ballroom and a fantastic vocalist and the band for entertainment.

Not a too bad saturday.

You are a different kind of novel.
A new found interesting summary inked on you.
Caught me off guard with your artistry and fine values.
As a hard core reader, i hold great appreciation to each past novel i last read.
The last one was irresistibly hard to let go.
I was still lost in the fantasy while the story ended much earlier than i could possibly imagined.
Short lived with a sorrowful ending.
Not something i have ever expected.
The author was a masterpiece.
The story was my masterpiece.

It took another great piece of work to pull me off
the last novel to another great deal of promise.
A huge bet as you would need much effort of compromise, time and heart to invest on a new try.
Expectation was higher than ever and comparison is definitely on the line.
Could the summary delivers?
Or could it be just a beautified cover and another let down.
My collection of junks are mountain high and ready for disposal. I dont need another replacement.
Let alone resentment.

My oh my.
To my surprise, i found myself drawn in
timely. What do you have in you?
Different league of genre. Different kind of reading.
Calming yet perplexing and intriguing.
A sense of similarity yet so contradict.
Interesting. But so fluctuate.
Im tempted to read on.
Complicated, like me reading myself.
However dont got me tangled in your lines.
Or rather my mind. Simplicity wins.
My loyalty is tested.
Thus dont lose it.

On what page are we now?

-joanne-

*

Liar.
Liar.
Liar.

No. You didn't lie.
It was the promising figure of you in my head that lies.

So basically it isnt you.

It's deceiving.
At least at this moment i think you are misleading me. Either then or now.

If you have read me, then you are ignorant.
If you did not or could not, then...

Are you testing me or are you in the middle of settling some bothering issues?

If you are testing me then you are just being silly.
I have a bad ego issue.

You got me in an expectant consistence and then you take it back just like that.
I need to praise you for your swift unplug of emotion without the sense of guilt.

They said it is hard to trust a flirtatious man.
I thot i was different cuz i got the more real you.
And it was me you and us when we communicate.
i thought that was different.
I thought you were different.
True?

So u said some chatters wont take flirting seriously thus its okay. They wont misunderstand.
I never take it as a matter.

But it becomes one when i feel like i am too just a flirt partner.
I am no different with them. Or am I?
How do i tell? I was so certain that i hold a different position. I was.

One's position is valued not only when he thought of you in late mid night, when most people are lonely or genuine.
It is also measured when she crosses your mind when you are most busy or stressed, when you have an urge to share your feeling of both excitements and grieves. No?
You dont hide and go emotionally detached when you are not in the mood??

But then again, who am i to say this really?
Im in the wrongest position and these above mentioned qualities are not applicable at all.

Coming from a fresh bad entanglement of emotion got me even more insecure towards this alien topic of relationship. As much as i denied it, im pretty sensitive and i think a lot. A lot.
I often try to change by being ignorant and because of that i try not to be emotionally involve in a lot of stuffs and with people.

Im more confuse than ever and this is sickening.
I thought we highlighted communication as the key to make things clear. To clarify. Now what?

Tired?
Stress?
Or i make you mad in anyway?

If you are giving up already of which you told me that you will only do so if i give up 1st, please cut the drama short and do tell me. Or was it a lie? A joke?

I dont expect you to understand why i think or feel like that. Man has his way of behaving. Woman just have way extras.

Your clarity made me give in to believe you. Now i think it might just be merely flirt talking. This hurts me a bit. I wanted so much to trust that intangible promise. Every move i take took me some guts to execute it. It hurts my ego but i dismiss it. Cuz apparently i wish to try.

I have loved. But never been in a relationship. And we are not in one. Thus we are hanging somewhere and i dont know where i stand.

As much as i thought that i could tell if this is real or not, i am still doubting cuz somehow the out comes often proves me wrong. Will this be the same?

They say be you. Just be you. Dont have to know how to act or respond to attraction.
This is me. Insecure. Ego. Doubting. Would you be able to accept them?

I know u r not in the position to do what you should do.
But your assurance is fading and this caused me feeling uneasy.

I feel that you are even happier with another person as friend and colleague than with me... who is well... just me. Haha

Gosh. Reading this made me feel so wanting and desperate. Silly joanne. Silly.

What the hell...

Kk.

Yellow card.

Underneath these all, im worried.
I hope you are not facing anything stressful other than job. Apparently when you are not happy, you dont talk.

Im sorry if my doubts caused much trouble.
Im sorry if i have misunderstood all these and it was just purely my fantasy.
Im sorry if i have caused you any unnecessary rumours. I have never intentionally tell out what we had as a topic of conversation.
Apparently what we had is not suppose to see lights. I respect that but i dislike it.
Im sorry for my necessity of assurance. But anyway... its not needed now.
Maybe all these are just misunderstands.

So i dont expect you to do what you are not comfortable with.

Just dont keep me misunderstood.
Cuz the last misunderstanding i had cost me 1 year of heartache. It was my fault. It will continue to be my fault. Cuz i let them in.
I shouldnt have. Should i?

Nobody want to see my battle scars.
They dont like it. You know what, i dislike them too.
I cant believe that you will got me feeling the same, just like how they've treated me.

Got me teary.
Got me questioning.
Got me feeling out casted, unwanted.
Got me wronged. Lost.
Got me doubting myself again.

" Joanne, you misunderstood again.
  Joanne, you think too much again.
  Joanne, you mess it up again.
  Joanne, you gotta be kidding me.
  Joanne, you just never learned. Why dont you            ever learn? "

Well. If you want real, this is exactly how i feel
now. I know some are just over rated. Pure nonsense. Too much thinking. Too hardcore. Fyi, i can go crazier. Its normal. Pretty normal. I happen to voice out.
But yea.
Women, we got a way and away with all these.

Pls dont read me.
Pls dont read me.
Pls dont read me.

Sleep well and good night :(

Imprisonment

There. No more turning back.

I had a bad headache this morning. And stupid hq got me really pissed and made me wanna fight back. I did my revenge and lets see how this turns out. If i win, that manager is totally screwed. 

Stupidity is infinite. 

While i was pissed, a lunch date came invited :)

U.

Im trying to gauge more about you.

You often come and go without notice. 

Perhaps you dont wish me to expect your arrival... idk. Cuz u know how i feel about expectation and over promise under deliver kinda doings. 

To be reviewed.

I really wish you were there with me at the lawyer's firm. But anyway i dont wanna lose my independence still. If i get used to it i might not be able to stand on my own shall things dont work out. 

*

My mom gotta call me again at the most crucial time to fuss me over unnecessary things. To revert me a family request. 

Yesterday was a false alarm. 

Today is another bullshit about wanting me to be the driver for grandma request to do a PR job which should be her children job. And if her children do not wish to do it then there are still many nearby elder grandkids who can do this. Y me? 

Easier to bully? 

Fetching and sending once in awhile is fine. But fetching waiting pr-ing then sending grandma n her sisters back home is too much asking. 

You know what... im doing this every fucking saturday's obedient duty for my mom and you guys benefit it only because of my mom. I dont see anyone of u do the same or offering her a lift when im not around. I dont always calculate kindness but if i feel that im not being fairly demanded then you just erupted a mathematician. 

Lets do a calculation shall we. 

Now im not sure if i should say yes or no... my heart surely says no la... sigh. Guilty 

So i was pretty pissed when i told my mom i wont do it. And he was there. And i dont know how ugly my face was. He called that a pek chek face.

I guess he dislike it. Haha...

Sorry...

*

Dont you worry about the meeting today. 

Everything is gotta be alright. 

Trust me. I can see you are quite bothered. 

Chill okay... 

You know how i can foresee and predict distance future kan?

It will work out. 

I just cant see mine.

*

U noe what?

Dont test me. It wont work.

Im serious.

Be frank. You dont know me. 

So im telling you.

Or are you telling me now?

Is that what you are hinting?

Wish me to presume?

Its easy you know?

Sigh.

Whatever la.

Another promise unkept. 

Who am i?

*

I have forgotten.

K. 

Y must everyone attempt to leave me?
I sucks in farewell. There is no fair in farewell.
And when a heart breaks it dont break even.

They often hint that they will leave and they will remind you time to time that they wish to leave.

Today there were already two people told me that you wish to leave. You did not tell me. And that i must know it via another people's mouth.

So this is where i stand now?
I have always been the few last person to know everything cuz i only eavesdrop selectively and i appreciate prioritization that seeks me.
If im the 1st then be it. If im the last then im fine with it too.
Unless that person is someone i truly cares about.

U know that threatening to leave will cost me utmost discomfort. U have always been doing that  last time. Then u changed and never mention it again. Now u tell everyone about it and im the last to know. And i used to be the 1st to know about everything yours. That was where i stand. And it was nothing.

Well.

Maybe it is for the better.
im just not used to it.

When a feeling got involved and entangled, it is difficult for detachment. It takes time.
The time will come.
And i will believe again. To learn how to trust.
To want to have faith again.
In myself. My judgement.
But i am not convinced.
By both ending and beginning.

*

I was nagged by boss for an hour.
This is fun i got to share with my gal.
We both were nagged for an hour. Haha...
Hmmp... upgrading eh? I dont think im looking forward to it.

I know im more than qualify to go higher and climb the hierarchy ladder. I was trained by the best.
He often speaks good of me. But if the opportunity come, will i wish to jump into it? I consider myself pretty strong for a branch officer. Hmmp...
Im getting fat and comfy in my environment now. Esp after my ex manager left.

*

Tomorow is a big day for me.
A huge commitment all by myself.
A dreaded call i wish i never would have compromised.
A deal that could break me or benefit me.
For all the good reason.
A trying time to my ego versus compassion.
Im signing it.
I wish you would be there with me.

Witness and assure me.
It would be alright, right?

*

I know i care of you when i notice every single changes in you.
I know you are important when everything you say matters.

*

Get me out of this maze.

Happie White Valentines Day

Initially my request to date him out was purely just wanted to have our us time and his companion to watch Kung fu panda 3. 

It was a monday, my annual leave of which i took out of the blue and it was Tan Sri Dato Sri Dr Teh Hong Piow bday. 14th of March. 

Until facebook told me that it was also a White Valentine Day where some asian likes to call it and it is a day where gals confesses to guys.

Wow.

I was like this is super coincidence. So will this work to my advantage or ill just end up being cheesy when the other party doesnt feel that way.

Aiks... like he often says... 

you think too much joanne. 

Funny how i almost buy him a white chocolate. Kinder bueno,  a brand i really like and i thought he might like to try it too. But i changed my mind. 

I dont know what is the right time to do the right thing.

It was a good night. I just wish we can have a longer dinner time so we dun hav to rush for a movie. 

Or that today was a weekend so i dun have to chase you home and that we can have our 2nd round cafe visit like last time. 

I had a great time ive forgotten to take a photo of you to remember today. Even before you told me that CJX noted your hairstyle i already saw it and it looked somewhat refreshing. Not too much n revealing but just smart and cool. Just like urself. 

I like that a lot. 

Cjx told me you used to put effort in setting hair for outing and stuff as she examined your previous photo. 

And she said you dont really do that now. Perhaps you are not feeling it or you have no reason to do it. 

Thus today you gave me a pleasant surprise. 

Weekday date is a bit too rush. If you even call it as one. 

Lets go find godiva with me. 

Full fill this desire of mine.

Seeing you put effort in working on your target made me feel proud. 

At least i know if u want it u will do it and excel. 

Gayou! Best of luck n wishes.

My bad.

45 min rides is damn tiring especially at night.

Hmmp. Forgive me for my demand.

*

Imma try something. Lets see if you are smart enough to notice that. Haha

...

Happy White Valentine

To ask.
To not ask.
To ask.
Dont you dare.
To ask pls.
I said no.
Pls ask.
Shut the fuck up joanne.

Damn u ego.
Damn u bitch.
Damn u wanting.
Damn u thirsty?

What now?
Mutual now?
Believable already?
Unguarded?
Letting lose?
So very sure?

Diu.
Fine.
Dont.
Just shut up.

You always win
dont you.
Ego always does.
Save U from hell.
Shield U from bitter heart break.
Protect U from predators.
Prevent U from casanovas.

bla bla bla

bla bla bla....

How much is enough?

Enlighten me pls.

the kid from the big apple

A movie full of praises.

Im not really a fan of heart warming family movie but i have heard of people mentioning this movie and news papers have very good review on it.
And my mom wants to watch it.

This movie got me laughed and cried like a baby from the beginning till the end.
Lovely. But yes, made me look like a mess.
It was like a roller coaster of emotion.
The songs are pretty good too.

Made me miss my grandpa a little.
Though he and i did not have too much together time like this. But i never dislike my grandpa.
He often full of smiles and i remember being able to fetch him home and to town before his mobility was taken by sickness.

A real good malaysian movie.
Sorry ola bola.... i like this movie better.

*

So, i was prioritized...
:)  Will i be taking your bro's spot?
Well... if ady given cant take back yea.
You know me well enough not to take back anything spoken. You will not be forgiven.

Good night.

I wonder what drove me mad today.
Dissatisfaction of my Hq practise, acting quite stupidly recently.
Or stress over rushing many ready to complete works esp when ill be off on Monday.
Or what? What is that Joanne?

If i slammed my phone, then you know how pissed i was. Immature hor? But trust me. I can do worst.

*

We ate lunch for the 2nd time after the complication. With her presence. The magic is lost.
But it's okay. Okay is good.

*

Funny why u need to walk away when he came during our conversation. We werent taking shit. We were talking work. This wasnt even about prioritization. It is about 1st come 1st serve basis. He lost my prioritization. I havent even give it to you but you are more than ready to throw it away.

And u feel the needs to walk away even before i finish briefing about your case. Again, i wasnt taking shit. I was talking works. So i guess i was repeating shits.

A rush of madness.
I felt like im being given away when i dont even belong to anyone.

Its okay.
Its okay.

Dont i already got used to it?

Very well.

Happy Women Day?

My Oppa. 

1stly i hate his eyes. The make up artist highlighted his sepetness and... hmmmp is it on purpose? 

He always act cute and sometimes too much kiddoness for a 30 yrs old is unbearable.

But when he open his mouth and belt out the strong deep sultry vocal melodies... im all melted and wooed. 

That oozes charm and im all for the charm and talents. 

And when he dance... oh god. 

Just what if he could dance with me. 

What would i give in?

Haha... Well probably he wont resist me cuz he is perhaps is a kind soul cuz he smiles alot. :)

Today is not my day. I suppose it was because of the headache. It was afternoon when it happens.

I think i have highlighted many times that i hate 3 kind of attitudes.

Intentional ignorance.

Stupidity.

Rude.

I faced all 3 of them today.

Pissed me off early in the morning. 

Rude and shameless customer came with no warning blast into my bizM room without my consent. 

Fortunately i have the best bizM and someone who will not just protect me, but always fight for our rights than to cater to rude customer. 

I felt like i was being shamed, like an indication saying that i didnt do a nice job. 

Lesson learnt. Just be straight forward. 

This kinda people dont deserve dignity. 

They have none. Fuck u.

Then came selective ignorance.

That is also rude. 

Anyway... yea. I talked a lot of nonsense.

Thus it doesnt matter really. 

Plus i ignore certain demanding and rude people too. So i think i deserve this karma.

So imma give u sense. If that is what you want!

Becareful of what you wish for cuz u just might get!

Then came a stupid. 

Why will one be stupid is mostly due to her ignorance to be better and smarter. 

If your stupidity and ignorance doesnt bother another person... be it. Be it forever. No one is gotta care. 

But if you interfere my job im sorry imma screw you up for sure. Dont be surprise if i give you hard time. 

Im not those kind soul who can continuously spoon feed everyone every time all the time. 

Put some effort pls?

Then came a hq manager who called in for the 2nd time to nag me. Fuck la... 

I think im quite understanding and pleasant to listen to for my incredible humble and sweet voice. Thus he made it a point to chit chat and nag me. Actually there were 2 of them this week that got me all fucked up. 

Damn u guys. 

Hmmp.

Woman rite...

We double everything you share with us. 

I give you an additional 10% of every 100% you gave me. Anything lacking i wont be negotiating. 

If you are looking for a tough time with a hell yea bitch. Here you are!

Dammit. 

I live by this quote.

I never fight for attention.

Attention always find me.

Sometime so much so that i have to run and hide away.

I wonder if that is my problem.

But when it doesnt come when it should, then im tempted. 

I hate you for that. 

Sometimes the best partnership doesnt have to be a couple. They could have love each other so much at a different time and wave length and all they can do is just see each other happiness they each found individually. 

I wish i would be lucky enough to be spared from this torture.

God. I feel sickly these 2 days. 

You ridiculously vanished for 5 days. 

If your presence doesnt makes a presence, then you doesnt makes a difference. 

So did i feel that? 

A little bit if that. A little bit if this.

One spoonful of sugar. 

One spoonful of shit.

This is what i always get.

And you know what? I rather i dont and ever taste sugar if shit is eventually what i deserve. 

Im ego. Im down right an ugly super human being. 

Cuz im emotional thus i should stop writing or i would have name u, u, u and all of your fucking disturbing stories cuz im just so pissed and tired. 

Lol. 

Damn.

C.O.L.O.U.R.S

Dear blue,

Ive been grey for a long time.
Sometimes light, sometimes darker...

Those were the time when i was as pure as white lilies.
I like to stay that way. I really do.
But i couldnt help the interference of colours and some colours attach to me strongly.
Unwillingly. Shamelessly.

On the good day,
Violet brings elegance to me.
While yellow cheers me up and wishes me a blessing day.

On contrary,
There will be days when ill be dark as hell and it always prolong its stay.
The gloom n darkness are chilling but never comfy.
But little that i know without pitch black night, i wouldn't be able to see stars.
They wouldn't come out and i wouldn't hv love them ever greatly.
The moon will shy away...
I don't like that.
Dont avoid me like that.

I can't own or claim the rainbow as mine.
That would be selfish.
If i ever named as the owner to the glorious rainbow...
I would love to dedicate it to my dear Siewin.
She never gives up on me.
Irregardless of what.
My iron lady. My leo partner in crime.

While i'll just hold on to grey.
Grey is comfortable. Soothing.
Never too dull.
Never too bright.
Never too shy.
Never too loud.
Never too intimidating.
Never too exposed.
But its okay. Okay is fine.
Okay is great!

So dear blue...
Would you like to be my shades and dress my sky as bright as possible?
Or would u floor me like waves of ocean, bring me warmness with your embrace every time you hit the shore?

Or would you answer the moon's calling every night and leave me alone again?
Just like every singing bird who flies away to its comfort tress every time the wind blows?
Every single time.

Have you ever be afraid of your own shadow?
Or are you more afraid of not seeing that again?
One will only miss the value of another presence when it is gone forever.
Will you miss me when im gone?

***

You have mark you trail to the enchanted forest, sacred thorny pathway, a road not taken.
Your silly bravery.
What were you thinking?
Who are you really?
Address yourself.
Speak your soul.
Nothing but the truth.

Or you shall brave the storm and cuts.
Im caged and i cant help hurting those who try to cut me loose. I dont know how. Im sorry.
I wish to protect you.
Perhaps thats how i protect you.
While i stay the same.
Gloom, hollow but rather safe than sorry.

Now you found the door.
Would you knock or should you think twice?

***

Fuck my poetry.
Lol
Lol

I really should write a book.
Perhaps get a master in English literature 1st?

#jcdagreat
#shamelessselfproclaimedpoet
#hollow

My dream to stare at stars every night on my lazy chair is going to come true. Very soon.
Then ill get a puppy (maybe pupies). :)
Guess what... i already have name/s ready.
I shall name it/them Bay/bee... awhhhh :)
Then A dance floor.
A studio.
A stage.

Then a room full of wonders, magic and happiness.
Would you be around?
Would you stay?
Would you?

***

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains
Can you paint with all the colours of the wind
Can you paint with all the colours of the wind...

Random

My gurl told me that whatever he did he thought of me.
Shouldnt I be happy?
After all the shits happened.

She was told that i have been distracted and has long not been prioritizing him.
What?

I was promise a sky dinner reward as a gift and i truly thought that i was the only special one.
Not that it matters but i wasnt the only one being offered.

I was offered a date to search for a new ice cream named godiva... guess i should just go get it myself.

These few nights of failed plan outing got me thinking of my happy dates last time.
Those with the besties, the ladies and him.

Im back to my old me.
Not that i hate it. I just begin to step out of my comfort zone.

Should be sleeping. Period time is all emo and tiredness. Atm duty coming in 2 weeks time.

I need a vacation. So bad. So very bad.
Perhaps just jump on a plane and go penang or sarawak find me bff?

I have a love hate relationship with my job

Something happened in my branch.
Something bad and cruel. Dealt with work purpose and he suffered the consequences.
I never would have imagined that this could actually happen and it happened to one of my closest colleagues.
This is unfair.
This is stupid.

Some stupid people do wonders and they got away with it.
This man is one of the kindest and he did not deserve this shit.

It was a serious matter and none of us can do anything. Thats when my HQ acted on this and ensured my branch level did all we possible could to fix it. I was told that HQ was very stern with this and that we must in our power to get the right thing done.

Noted that when we have to deal anything with authority in Malaysia, it could take forever and everything can go wrong if there is no powerful hand to fix this.

I was on my nerve the whole day even before the news came in. Not being able to be told got me randomly worried about nonsense. This news really blow my mind as it is the worst that could have happened.

I know i shouldnt talk about it. To discuss about it.
To ask further at all. I was not suppose to know anyway. It was so sensitive and im not sure if im even helping in the matter if i keep harping on this news. Im not in my power to help. So i keep my mouth shut. And work the best that i could. At least im contributing to my company who is saving my friend.

Arghhh.... fuck it. Fuck it.
When i finally saw Ms Yap and we talked about it when she came back with good news, i got teary eyes. Everyone was worried about him and those getting the news were more than relieve.

Take care bro.