Meeting @ Melaka Raya

7am took off from Seremban to Melaka Raya for a meeting with Regional Manager. He wanna see some newbies... Well, after 7 months here Mr.Teoh! Anyway, So that was an early journey, Dad was forced to take the passanger seat and I drove. Strictly my will. Sometime I seriously pity my dad for trying so hard to talk me out of my job, using so many different version just to make me afraid or understand that on the road job is not save and it's not worth it. The fact that he couldn't command me to resign, he got himself very helpless in conveying his message into my head. So he got frustrated easily. You can never get a more loving dad like this... Too much too late sometimes isn't going to be well justified...Hmm.

Im currently working in this area

Drive mia drive... I hope he was seeing n reading my capability on the road. Yes I'm new, but I ain't bad. So I reached RM office on time. Nice to meet up with few familiar faces. One of my trainee batch mate was there, a pityful GT from the branch that must not be named was there too. N my mco senior. The rest are strangers to me. 

The wise man has alot of brilliant saying... He seriously trying his best to brainwash us. Well, for a man who dedicated his 40 years to bank 1st, then only family cuz he understood without career, he couldn't provide to his family, he has every right n claim that he owed the bank and he loves the bank. No doubt about it. 

Here are the few things I found memorable.

FEAR stands for 

Fake Evidence Appears Real

Attitude is the only word that equals to 100 if you were to assigned alphabet aligned with the numbers

Well, I didn't do the calculation though. 

A lot more really... But I can't get it out one shot now...Mind is partially shut down.

He bought us all lunch at bakuteh nearby the office... I paiseh pulak. I mean, so uncomfortable.

Hmm....Bid goodbye after lunch. My dad came over and taught me another road that could facilitate myself better in Melaka area. Talking about GPS vs my dad... We sambil go to the Melaka Beach... Klebang sumthing... Hmm, slightly disappointed with it though. 

 Bloody big 1Mas sign on the beach

Then, as agreed, we switched seat, I drove us home back Seremban. Only one complaint out from his mouth, which was also only happen when I was in Seremban. 

Isn't so bad after all. Satisfy dear oh dad?

Reached Srb on 3++ noon. Rushed back to Rasah & continue my job. When you get too little work from a branch, you become boring. 

How bitchy~ I know right.... Hmm, where will I be placed next week? I'm already anxious.

 XD... The look after watching MIB3 yesterday night.

MIB3 didn't disappoint. It was a good movie, I can go for another round. 

 The young agent K & Griffin got my full attention. One was his charm, another was his blue eyes. Both are winning actors in reality. 

Can u believe ^ person is the same person as this v...

*Don't ask questions you don't wanna noe the answer*

The movie make me realize that knowing the future pre-handed and celebrating the good news ahead or crying over the bad ones alone is saddening.

Many people could still addressed me that I'm weak. But I wouldn't hide from people the fact that I'm loved. So, maybe I don't get the chance to explain the whole truth to anyone who don't get me, or I don't get to be asked, it's okay. Time will tell. Actions is taking place. Truth will prevail. I don't need the fuss to buy someone believe or someone respect over my decision or principle. 

I had this fwen who told me she was so sad cuz she is now single. I was so worried cuz she was all alone there, far reached from all of us close ones. Now out of the blue I saw them still communicating. What the heck. Tak jadi split I see... So, what... You don't have any initiation to clarify yourself that the split x jadi? Or that you don't wanna mention it? I felt a bit insulted to even bother in the 1st place. 

I'm not gonna be hating you. I know things happen, and overnight on-off relationship could be triggered. I just want you to know, I don't wanna see him in our trip. 

Best Love Match for Leo

 

Leo is aptly represented by the lion, “king of the jungle,” which is truly fitting for this powerful sign. Leos are born leaders. In the time of monarchs, they would have been self appointed rulers by “divine right.”

It is important to state that those born under the sign of Leo are not necessarily obsessive-compulsive and power-hungry individuals, as many would like to believe. True, they have a certain appetite for control and a need to be in charge, but they are skillful at channeling that energy, and are able of exert dominance without upsetting their relationships. Ultimately, the outcome is good for them, their partners, and everyone in their social circle.

Given their innate love of power, the best love match for Leo would definitely not be Capricorn, another sign who craves leadership, but Aries, the sign of cardinal fire.

Helpful Techniques

• Leo’s partner must be willing to appear submissive as Leo’s pride and will is mighty.
• Leo showcases an exterior that seems tough as nails, but the interior is actually quite insecure, so Aries must build up the lion’s innate anxiety with reassurance.
• Leo is not fond of spontaneity, so any change must be gradual.

Why Aries?

Aries is a fire sign like Leo, and when two fire signs get together, the passion is intense. Leos tend to play hard to get when they are the object of affection, which drives Aries wild with the need to pursue.

Both are creative signs and they support each other’s aspirations in life. In times of disagreement, Aries has the ability to win back the Leo partner with exceptional charm and remarkable diligence. Aries is not so much of a submissive individual, as one who can fascinate and bewitch the proud Leo.

Another strong component of a partnership between Leo and Aries is their common desire for autonomy. Both signs allow each other some “me” time so as to avoid a ‘clingy’ partnership. Leo and Aries love to meet new people and engage in exciting activities. Aries brings much needed security to the often insecure Leo, who constantly suspects others of judging their relationship. On the other hand, Aries could not care less about what others think, and is as solid as rock. Pride and security are the main issues in the lion’s love life, which makes the alert Aries the best love match for Leo.

• Since Aries people are unmoved by outside judgment, they provide security to Leo.
• Aries has the ability to create the “illusion” that Leo has the power in the relationship because Aries does not care about being the center of attention.
• If Aries makes the mistake of challenging the will of Leo, Aries’ charm will prevail.

Drawbacks

Since Leos are powerful, typically non-flexible signs, a long-term, mutually fulfilling relationship can be difficult to maintain. Since both are fire signs, an occasional competitive nature can easily turn into repetitive competition. If the Aries partner is not willing to give in to Leo’s strength of character, eventually Leo will triumph over Aries. But if Aries hangs in there, the lion rewards Aries through faithfulness, generosity, and affection, making it is the best love match for Leo.

Hmm

I got nothing to talk to you... there is... I guess I'm just too tired.

I had fun playing with my baby...

He always makes me very happy... Hugging him is like the most comfort comforter ever. His goat milk scents which resulted from bath didn't last for sometimes though..............

Bought a sweet beach wear.... not what u thinking... not a swimsuit, not bikini....

I need just one more long dress n a hat... then my ideal beach fashion will be purfect. 

I really wanna escape reality right away...possibly now...

The blues are in.... with no mercy. 

My weekend is spent with them, for them...

happy ones... irritating ones... funny ones...

When will I have time for myself...for good...

Can I don't wait until August... 

Maybe I could go PD 1st... Hmm............least favorable.. 

Or Malacca one? 

3rd weeks. I don't even know how to start a conversation with you already. You kept mum. I have been emo for some weeks. I made an attempt not to find you cuz I think you no longer deserve to see the dark side of me which by right, nobody should ever share this with me. I'm sorting the balance now, yet my emoness conquered me for good. So, I distanced myself from you. But you being all silent is just bothering. 

Well leo gals.... We either end up as a clan or the other way round. Guessing is tiring. 

Which is why I gave up on a lot of crushes too. LOL. Fuck yea...

 I'm on the brink of losing my head. Don't let me get me k.

DIA FRAMPTON LYRICS

"The Broken Ones"

I know they've hurt you bad.
Wide, the scars you have.
Baby let me straighten out your broken bones,
All your faults to me make you more beautiful.

I can't help it,
I love the broken ones,
The ones who,
Need the most patching up.
The ones who,
Never been loved,
Never been loved,
Never been loved enough.
Maybe I see a part of me in them.
The missing piece always trying to fit in.
The shattered heart,
Hungry for a home.
No you're not alone,
I love the broken ones.

You don't have to drive,
With your headlights off.
It's a pocketknife,
Not a gift from God.
Don't you learn of love from the love they kept.
I will be your anchor slowly,
Step by step.

I can't help it,
I love the broken ones,
The ones who,
Need the most patching up.
The ones who,
Never been loved,
Never been loved,
Never been loved enough.
Maybe I see a part of me in them.
The missing piece always trying to fit in.
The shattered heart,
Hungry for a home.
No you're not alone,
I love the broken ones.
I love the broken ones.

Maybe we can rip off the bandage.
Maybe you will see it for what it is.
Maybe we can burn this building,
Holding you in.

Watched Idol finale... I didn't like the result. God knows who is the clear cut winner anyway, so it didn't matter whose name was announced. 

Then I watched one of the ASQ round ~top 16 so said. Pui!!! On ur face! What kinda standard was that and I couldn't believe I lost to them in the audition round. Oh wait...I lost to myself. Having a link to it kinda made me ashamed that I even went for it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going there for a try next year if there's another year for the show. I truly hopes sumthg like Mas Idol/One in a million come back to the shore. If I ain't finding the will to master mandarin song now, I ain't gonna do it in the near future too.

Doing something to qualify for a reason against my own will kinda sucks. Forceful learning is not gonna work. 

Willingness is not there... 

Reading map... I'm going beaches with or without anyone of you. I couldn't be bothered with much arrangement already. TMTH. FML! 

12pm, CJY report to Malim.

OMG!

WTF!

But with a senior...what, meaning 2 MCO~~~ Erm, Okay then, my pounding heart slows down. 

6.30pm, changes. Report to Rasah instead! Erm... Much better. But I forgotten Wednesday got Meeting at RM office for newbies like us. Aiseyman. If I were in Malim, I would have no problem to travel there le. 

Pro & Cons 

Life

Bahau is heaven, but not exited. Fan zhin right...

I need a break. Really!

2nd day @ Bahau............. So sien. Slowly exploring the small town though... 

Work life is much breezy here.... good & bad in some way...

Small town mia cinema no Dark Shadow... only Avenger and only nite time show...9.45pm... Zzzzz

MIB got wor...on thur... So maybe I shud go see if there's a suitable time slot...

Well well................ 

I might be sent to Malacca again next week cuz on Wed, all MCO have to be at RM office for a meeting with Regional Manager... Hmmm. Really wish to maximize the usage of my night time as well... rather than just FB n sleep XP. 

I past by Seri Menanti on my way to Bahau... Finally I knew where it was located. I wanna pay it a visit... really. Maybe during Friday, on my way home, I could drop by there and snap some picture :) Mco don't always get the chance to go Bahau and I wouldn't purposely drive 1 hour just to visit Seri Menanti... 

 I wanna be on the beach 

Feet feeling the white sand, hair blown by the soothing wind, skin blessed with sun ray... :)

Of course eyes with my big sun glasses and me with my beach long dress

:)

Think pun happy

I guess Imma go internal Mas 1st... So I could easily plan time with my babes. So I could have 2-3 trips with 3 days basis rather than just one trip with 5 days basis. I wanna fully use my leave to enjoy more places.

Planning Planing... I wan my bday to be celebrated on the beach :)

520- Baby you

Like Master Like Baby~ 38 dao 

That jerk blog my view...ish

I don't know what 520 means but I guess it was a sign of I Love You  from similarity of pronunciation through the numbers... well, anyway, I brought my baby chasez for a car wash.... he's is one charming boy today :) After being as messy as the owner's mind set, he finally breath a new life of cleanliness. 

Master had a hair car, baby had a shower :)

Once reach home, suddenly felt like cam-whoring with my love. Since he's cozily playing with his new toy, of course I grabbed that chance to shoot pictures. Or else he wudn't be able to sit still for me. 

:) He's getting real old...but my time with him will be limited with my current position. Sigh.

Next week, supposedly I should be sent to Melaka main branch but sudden changes was made and I was told to relieve Bahau's instead. Seniors told me Bahau is heaven if Malim is hell. I believe him 100%. Well, I have no right to judge am I? I sympathized another him-senior who was sent to hell. Sorry, I wouldn't lend out my hand to you for the branch that must not be named.-the hell. Sorry. 

I'm looking forward to watch Dark Shadow alone in cinema... abit scare tim... cuz I'm abit lost when I go into a dark room trying to find rows and number. I definitely wouldn't like doing it alone but I need to go through this to tell you how I feel about it. I think I wouldn't like it but who knows right. 

This is the 2nd week we never sms each other since the day you confessed your need of advice to me to grow up. I don't know what is on your head, probably thinking I might be hating you or angry with you and you're pending for my 1st move... Well, I seriously have no idea. I just knew that the moment when I felt so sad, the moment I cried so bad, I so wanted to msg you, but I pulled back. If I need to be strong to you, maybe I shouldn't find you for the time in need, which was also the time I was most vulnerable. 

I don't know where you are. Did I lost you already? :(

"Safe & Sound"
(Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars)

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, "I'll never let you go"
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold on to this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh

'Beautifully haunting, Soothingly addictive' 

***
I hope not all curiosities will kill the cat :P

Miao :3

Starship-Nicky Minaj

Let's go to the beach, each
Let's go get away
They say, what they gonna say?
Have a drink, clink, found the bud light
Bad bitches like me, is hard to come by
The patron own, let's go get it on
The zone own, yes, I'm in the zone
Is it two, three? Leave a good tip
I'ma blow off my money and don't give two shits

I'm on the floor, floor
I love to dance
So give me more, more, 'till I can't stand
Get on the floor, floor
Like it's your last chance
If you want more, more
Then here I am

Starships were meant to fly
Hands up, and touch the sky
Can't stop, 'cause we're so high
Let's do this one more time

Mood Revised - temporary

When u have no one around, you are free to do things alone. 

Tengkera is a much nicer place. Cases were pretty much easy, environment in a way, not so tensed up the moment you see a manager who is a man and has a shadow of my ex-boss. The branch biz manager n OIC reconfirmed me that they don't need too much fussy stuff which Malim occupies and that eases up my mind.

Much much better. In the morning itself, I was quite blury. It's the same damn things to do in every branch. It was the feeling of being thrown to a new place and you are trying to pull yourself together. I appeared very lost in the morning and I was like....sei lor. What to do first? How to begin, which to begin? 6 cases dump to me the moment I laid my buttock on the chair. Wow!

But it trained my efficiency. How much you learn and how fast you learn is the key to survive as Mco. High adaptability is a must. Have to be smart in dealing with people. Social skills. I thought I was pretty good in that, but you never know until you get away with mistakes and problems... But remained humble is a must. Like my dad say, tau pun buat tak tau. Ask to be taught. Then u're smart. 

Since I hit my target today, I left branch at 7.30pm. Crazy early. What the hell, and I was even half way finishing 2 others for 2morrow's target. Sweet. Just nice...cuz finally I can go walk around in Melaka. I went to Mahkota parade for dinner. Sushi King.... then of course the overrated coffee la. Kitchen fashion is slowly drawing me in... :)

I wouldn't say that I love shopping alone. But the moment my friends are around, they are my priority. I couldn't focus on anything else.  So I wouldn't be able to do what I want at times. At least today, I gotta visit the mall, relax my mind, satisfy my belly...i mean tummy...arghhhh. A reward to myself. :) Or else, I'm seriously telling you, earning all these money aint gonna make me happy. Cuz you find no way to spend it and enjoy it. Yor my big fat tummy!!! 

I passed by a store selling musical installment. Those beautiful electric guitars displayed right before me.... and I thought to myself....ha, no earn more money how to buy and do what you want.... But the fact is, even if you managed to bring it back home, can you find time to master it? Your weekend is limited, and your daily work is excruciatingly taking ur dreams away. So tell me...what choice do I have... Determination is one thing. But when you get to the point where you can only choose comfort/relaxation or excitement/passion after a tiring day... how do you choose...

Experience proves that I prefer to side comfort more than passion. 

But still no matter what, I still write almost everyday. Now you see what I am less fuss about...

No sweat.. I love talking, I really do, to myself and to those who would listen. In reality, I'm not sure who would wanna listen, but in blog people can choose to care or ignore. So, I find this more appropriate. Which also why I never enjoy to repeat myself in verbal communication. I've already spit the whole thing out here, and you want me to translate it back in vocal? Sorry la... I will bitch tell you to read my blog. Read me, don't ask me. If you care, you have already seen it. You don't have to ask. And please, read jor don't question it back one by one to me.... Most of the time when I blog about it and not talk about it simply cuz I just don't want to talk about it. So be smart la... dun go ask me "hey you really not happy ke?" or maybe statement as in " got someone cry ooo" ... you noe, lame stuff like this is not drawing me into talking to you at all.

Some choose to read me cuz I'm reader friendly- as in easy to be understood, some read it cuz I pretty much a drama queen, hence bitch talk is fun to read about. Who actually read me to know me better? 

Wow... Why did I always deviate from my talk mia... LOL

Anyway... Gonna go back hometown in the weekend. Mom miss me & I miss my dog. Anticipating where I will be sent next week. Pls no Johor, Pls no Malim. I beg you pls...

Nite : ) :

You can only imagine my face when I received the confirmation letter and was asked 

" You must be expecting this don't you? "

I was like ... err.... 

LOL.

Tengkera please be good to me. Malim has been so so bad....

People is okay, but the culture is simply not right...

Melaka suddenly become a night mare to me...

:(

Hotel to hotel

I suddenly sympathize those who work outstation mia people...

 

Sunday

Dad lead the road. I drove behind with mom. I guess in his entire life, he has never drive that slow in highway before. I in fact got so impatient.... Very tiring really. But I learned road. Reached hotel, re-check in, then went out lunch at Tmn Merdeka permai. Whoah new commercial site... alot of shops n eating place. 

Parents went back after lunch.

I was left in the hotel. Anybody in Melaka?

 Nobody really... It's Sunday. I would really wanna celebrate Mother's day with mom. And then I would have time for my fwen on Saturday. 

Well, I must go out. I need to find the new branch I'm reporting on thursday and the hotel in Melaka Raya. Perfect reason!

Drove to have my Nadaje... :) Found the Dataran Pahlawan, went into the parking lot, happy to finally able to use my touch-n-go card ~weee.........

Take away nia... Explained it in the picture itself in FB. Then, get back on the road to seek for the hotel and the new branch. Found the hotel, I thought I found the branch too but was later told it was the wrong one.... PBB, why u so bloody many branches...

Went to McD drive thru for the 1st time myself. XD.

Many 1st times of myself today eh~

The night drew closer and I'm scare... I'm so reluctant to go to that branch. 3 days could be bloody long. I'm scare I couldn't take it and I have to go through the emotional battle again, alone. I can only tell you that it was painful to me. I don't like seeing myself like this. 

I felt a lot of love today :) Thank you. I'm thankful. I don't know what I did to have you beautiful friends with me. And to my pretty gf, the lost wasn't due your imperfection. You perfected the love when you let him let go. Cry ba dear, cry out loud. You have every rights. I will cry with you. Until you're strong enough :) Love you deary :')

I heartache le.... fearsome lagi. Oh gosh. Cool down.... Like my senior say... 

Dun give up. 

Testimonial!!!!!

You go through this battle, you reach another stage of maturity dear Jc.

U're strong enough Joanne, You just gotta believe it

Sometimes things happen for a reason. He purposely arranged me to go to PBB Srb branch cuz my mom wanna deposit her money into the bank. So happen that today the branch had a roadshow. Everyone I knew was in the branch. I saw many people, infact, one of the senior came out to see me. I was touched, happy but I realized meeting him made me felt I was thrown to hell again. I kiddingly rude telling him I x mau talk to him, and turned away to get my mom's deposit done. 

I should have go in and greet my ex-boss but I didn't. I don't think I could face him with this kinda emotion bothering me. I don't know how I would act, what I would say, and what's appropriate to tell. So, I made a heart aching decision, not to go in and meet all of them. =(

:(

Had a nice walk in mall with mom. Bought a peach coloured rose to mom... RM8, definitely not worthy to buy, but to draw a silly smile from her face, it worth the world's fortune.

She was playing with a relative's dog 

She said she don't want it cuz it's a waste of money. But I just thought it's a must thing in a special day. Like a cake in a birthday. A flower on a valentine's day. A treat in a special day. 

Mom, I just want you to know that you don't need a doting loving husband nor a perfect obedient son. You had me all along. Don't be greedy K.... haha. Love you like I always do. 

I'm going back to Melaka 2morow. Another week there. :(

I only hope things get better, so this one more try could be justified.

The only one luring point accepting this position is the freedom to survive on my own, to visit more places...

to prove...

Pls.... don't make me give up. 

-----------------

I noted that you don't just have that particular issue, you don't even have the basic manner a man shud hav, to answer, to respond

utmost dissapointing

----------------------------------

I only allow a certain amount of friends to come and care of me... to understand me, to flirt with me...

Normal friend pls know your boundary... Don't do more than you should. 

I'm sensitive and I'm vulnerable...

Watch your action, I don't need extra comfort. I thank you for that... I just don't wanna get used to a certain kind of warmness that doesn't turns out to be something I want or would like it to be. 

-------------

I hope to get some excitement 2morrow before the hell resurface on Monday.

Lady luck, please bless me. 

---

Drama Queen

The title itself is an insult to me....but it totally reflect me or at least the way I behave today. I was feeling much relax today knowing that I will leave the branch this evening. I lost the interest to resign and I was looking forward to where I will be send to next week. I couldn't access to my lotus notes/email cuz the PC I was using can no longer use the normal/old hard disk and the interface has change. That was my only comforter in branch and it was taken away from me. 

Around noon time, CA told me that Mr. Koh, the one who arrange our schedule had email to me and that I will remained in the same branch for another whole week. I could feel a shiver. I couldn't react, I force a smile cuz my CA too was feeling my pressure. In fact, they think I was too tensed up. I went out for lunch feeling so lost, maybe this could be the ultimate reason for me to resign. I found the courage to message Mr. Koh. I ask for a branch switching cuz I couldn't take the pressure here. It was so bad I knew that was my limit already. He wanted me to call or to drop by to RM office for a talk. I said I can't cuz I don't want to cry in public. The fact that my tears were already shedding while eating nearby the bank, it was only wise to not have more verbal confrontation. That was very shameful. This situation happened once when my 1st dog died. Well. He was very persistence to meet me. I promise to call him after work, but I didn't.I just text him again, and told him that I will lean to control my nerve. 

While I was preparing to leave, my OIC asked me to meet him. I thought it regarding things I needa amend, again. So, after doing the report and claims, I met him, expecting his lecture. He wanted to see my reported cases instead. Shaking his head, possible acting very yeng zhai there...but he might not know that that insulted me. Then he told me that Mr. Koh called him just know. He already helped me amend the schedule so that I only need to be in the hell branch untill Wed. Then Thur-Fri to Tenggera branch. Now, he called to the branch to talk to my OIC. I don't know why he didn't ask for me or maybe he wanted to check out what actually went wrong in the branch that made me prompt such request. My OIC said that I did okay, coping with it. I just frown... I wish he could told the actual truth. In fact, I do want him to know that I didn't do well. He was protecting me thinking that Mr. Koh was inspecting my performance. He even told me not to self-admit bad.. what he didn't know was I already made that confession way earlier in the day. 

Sorrey.... A senior MCO called to the branch at noon to look for me... I thot Mr.Koh asked him to do so, but he said he sensed something wrong when I didn't reply email. Very nice man indeed. 

Nobody can really help me but myself. I decided to give it another try. Let's see if I could last a month alright. My weekend here is too precious now. I will need to be at Melaka this Sunday until the next friday. Gosh....

Imma specially dedicate my Saturday to my mom only. I couldn't celebrate MotherDay with her on its actual date :( She needed me...Or perhaps I needed her... Haiz. No more crying pls. 

Bengkak le la....

Never ever thought leaving someone suffer in the lurch will make him grow. Not all the time it works. For me, I will appreciate your effort but I will not thank you. Cuz you made me realize you are not a friend in need. 

Pls be happy Joanne for the weekend... Smile the widest smile of the week.

Finally I broke down in branch....

I just....pls, don't talk to me... I'm so gonna cry... n I did. Many of them trying to consult me, even the one who indirectly force me to cry out is asking me not to be mad. Now they made me even guilty. Dahlah I kenot help in branch, now I made them work extra. Resign? Or maybe, the lady boss can help me with it. Just bitch talk to the RM manager, say how bloody awful I am... I hope they fire me directly.

I think I shock them or probably they were expecting anyway....

While working, I kept thinking how to say sorry to those who help me through being a GT to SOO. Cuz I wanna resign. I wonder if I should just pay one month salary and get it done with. Yes, I was so suffocated. I did feel that way once in a while in Seremban's but I never once wanna cry so so badly. I hope the rush to resign peaks tomorrow... imma bitch bidding them bye bye 2morrow at 7pm. I gotta reach there earlier 2morow so that it wun look that ugly to leave EARLY. Friday cut off time is at 4.45pm if you must know. Today is the 1st day I work until system turn off. To be correct, I amend mistake until the system chase me out. This is not what I want. MCO is not suppose to be like this. Will I get thru this? Pls answer me.... Should I give up trying Or should I even bother trying at all?

Gym Class Heroes: The Fighter ft. Ryan Tedder

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say of me, say of me, say of me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
... Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one's a fighter

Perseverance....

I was so stressed out when OIC asked me to came to him. He told me about my mistakes, and how the work done was imperfect and how unrepresentable it was... in a nice way. Slightly sarcastic though.  He tried to make it sounds like it was the branch's fault that I came unprepared. To compare, definitely this branch-that-must-not-be-named is more demanding in details and their way of perfection for a win-win protection to branch and to officers. My branch, has much freedom to express our approach to cases. Cuz a man simply know what's needed minus all the crappy fussy requirement. 

If that wasn't bad enough, another senior told me that it's hard to survive in this branch, you could survive here, you survive everywhere. If I were you, I will ask to stay here and learn.... wow, that lady is a bitch - with its high pitch voice. 

If that wasn't hard enough, the biz manager come to me after already many amendment needed from me, he said we need more AA. You just came up with one in 3 days. WTF!!! I didn't!!! It was because of you and the branch that made it so difficult to be done. All of a sudden I was back to basic. I was thrown back to infancy stage where I gotta relearn- only this time, expectation was higher, work was tougher, new environment.... I couldn't perform. I was under perform. I felt zero again. I hate failing others. 

I thought I wanna work much later, but I was hungry and I just couldn't take it anymore. 9pm. I gave up. I sensed that teary eyes were failing me. I kept holding it, trying so hard to hide my face not to be seen by others. But I think the very nice kind senior saw me with it. She wanna date me for dinner. No, I just want to hide away and cry already. I can't date you. I gave her a reason and went to my car. 

Cry gao gao... very few occasion that I would burst out so badly, so long... I texted my ex-boss, I told him that I wasn't performing, indicating him that I would be disappointing cuz that was my promise to him, not to embarrassed him in other places. This time, I sure did. :'(

He and like many of the rest ask me not to think too much. Learn as much, accept challenges.

But am I allowed time to do so? Yes, hardship makes u pick up stuff faster. Soft approach is warming but not quite effective. 

Cry punya cry, I then stop by Oldtown for dinner. Time alone is time for me to do thinking or just simply left it blank. I just don't wanna have much verbal conversation cuz I know I will either cry again or I will be annoyed. At one instance moment when I was sympathizing myself, I really wanna resign. I just knew it was enough, and it wasn't worthy. 

You could take back the title and the bonus and the salary. 

I don't want you.

The moment I cool down, I asked myself the same question. Worthy or not? 1st, how many people will I disappoint? Am I inclusive as one of them? Will I regret? What do I do? 3 days of hardship you thoroughly understood it wasn't the right thing for you and you took 6 months adjusted yourself into the commitment? 

Wow...

Where do I go from here? I hope to last for a month 1st, to really learn how to master this new position. Anyhow, I will need to serve one month notice prior to resignation already. So, what's the rush. 

 

2 more days...no, no, one more day and a half.

.....

 ......

No, the silence is my way of testing you. Not the other way round. So I guess, you lose out greatly. 

***

Independence Part One

Sometimes, I wish you could be my boyfriend.

Someone I could show all my shamefulness and hear all my nagging...

Dear you, 

 I surprised myself today. I reach Melaka Raya alone and found my destination. A kind officer in the branch-that-must-not-be-named brought me to that area yesterday so I could locate it today. But it was dark, and there were many turns. So I could probably just took in 50% of the significant signs. So today, taking off early after asking the permission from a fierce looking lady boss, I took off with my GPS switched on. I completely depended on it. That digital thingy couldn't locate the bank itself, hence, I tried with Dataran Pahlawan instead. Mana tau, the road didn't link to the one heading to RM office. I could see it, but can't reach there. I have no choice but to go around the area hoping to find a turn exit to it. 

 while chilling out @ Bostan 

I found it eventually. With the lil technology and my lil intelligence. That kind of excitement was just indescribable. I surprised myself. Time like this you learn things fastest. I wouldn't like it very much but I have no choice. I'm not sharing this credit with anyone. Thank you for not being here. Whoever it is. Anyway, RM office's people are so nice. So kind, so thoughtful. In fact, I always bump to nice people. Maybe everywhere I go, I tend to carry the new word in me. New trainee, new SOO (senior operation officer), new mco, new arrival to branches...new all things... So people tend to forgive and guide. 

I always give myself pressure... I don't want to be disappointing. I wanted to live up to expectation. I forgot the fact that I'm eligible to take time and adjust myself to different environment. I forgot or I bother too much. The MCO seniors kept advising me to be relax and that I would enjoy being a MCO soon. They are so considerate, we utilize our internal email just to talk and help me with my questions. Different branch have different practice and approach to cases. So I didn't just have to learn up commercial loan more, I need to learn about the branch's practice as well. Gosh, please don't waste my brain capacity. And definitely lady boss is hard to handle. Now I know why Segamat wants me urgently and why my request to turn it down is a must. Mr. Danny, could you take me in Seremban branch? I promise to try hit 1 million loan target... Pls. 

LOL. So desperate wei... Why must I go through all this alone?

I'm learning everything new everyday. 

I hope it's all worth it. 

Thanks dear you for listening... I wish you were human my dear blog. Cuz you are the only one I could share all my heartfelt, the one I could cry to, the one I trust completely. 

You wouldn't judge me, cheat on me, laugh at me, shame on me and most importantly, when I need you, you never turn your back on me. 

Why you no human??

Grow Up!

Emo peaks.... You came at the wrong time saying the wrong things.

At one moment I just thought that I'm actually disappointed with you. I thought you know me. Or maybe that just proved that you don't completely know me yet. 

I find explaining is a tough action and it requires time and an open heart to listen. 

The reality is I'm weak, vulnerable, dependent and completely a loser for a gal at my age.

I started everything late. Don't expect me to fly when I'm just making my baby steps firm on the ground. 

I scolded my parents and I'm so clearing my throat on you too. Cuz if I choose to ignore or not telling you this, I might lose faith in our friendship. You are important to me please know that. I appreciate our friendship hence, I'm telling you this. You questioned my weakness and it's a death point. You made me doubt myself for the n-th times, left me pondering if they should be blame, or that I should bear the blame-for being so not grown up. I hate this kinda internal-voice-in-the-head-battle. I seriously think I have mental sickness. This kinda topic leads one thing to another. 

Too much forced pampering granted makes them too use to being overly protective of me. I need time to convince them to let me go bit by bit. So enough of you all asking why not you do this, why not do that? Why the fuck. The fact that I'm not skillful is enough to make em sick of worrying. You could say that I give in too easily. But it was my method and perhaps I love them enough to consider their feeling. Yes, I need to be more selfish! They are learning that too, so may I have a little more time on fixing them?

When you're new at that thing, and you turn down their offer to help when they could... It doesn't make sense. In their eyes, I was fearless, daring, not afraid of the world, wanted to try everything, wanted always to prove to them that I can... which prompt me my angst when I said how come you guys wanted me to be vulnerable? Even when I'm scare, I don't need to tell you that I am. I just need to be very careful. I really don't understand. I guess that make sense to my dad. He made a surprise call saying that I could drive in Melaka.

And to your eyes, I needed to grow up and be less dependent... 

Where do I stand now? It wasn't harsh as you apologized for, but it definitely hurts me especially when I was just so emotionally exhausted today and that it came from you. It was this judgment you made when you aren't completely aware of my life nor understood me well. Whatever you said I know, in fact, I knew it way long before it even come across your mind. 

I'm sorry for not letting you into my world, if you ever try anyway. It wasn't a fantastic one. So dun bother.

I love you, I do. Just allow me times. Pressure is not a friend.

***

2morrow reporting to Taman Malim Jaya Melaka. 

I will be driving from hotel to branch. Not sure if I would be daring to explore other nearby area. I will have not much time for that. My dad is a doting father, even if he disagree with my work nature now. I has no intention to quit hence, he try to compliment me. Though he successfully made me extra guilty by doing what most logical father would do/wouldn't do-i don't know... He will drive me to Melaka. Then he go back himself. 

Friday come pick me up again which I hope he let me go back myself. I hope he will find his laziness more appealing to the fuss of taking bus down to Melaka then lead me back to Seremban. 

Much fuss required when things could be so easy- I know right.

But to make your old man feels secure, can you find the heart to decline his offer especially this is my 1st trip to work outstation. 

I couldn't I'm sorry. Sorry for being so weak. 

Gosh, I'm miserable!!! Thanks for the extra spice you gave to me tonight. For that, I managed to pour out like baby for a moment. Now I felt better. 

Taking off 7am 2morrow~ I update u guys more when I online 2morrow, provided that I reach the hotel safe n sound. 

As much as thegreat I label myself, I'm very much insecure and lacking in confidence. There many seemingly hard task I've done that surprised me-I actually could execute em. 

This time is no exception. 

NTLP XV~ Melodance Delight

How to begin? I seriously have no idea how to get it started. My mind is pretty much bothered by the new workforce thingy which is due next Monday. The hell... It spoiled my weekend and now I could only wish that it's all worth it. I love you PBB. 

So back to NTLP XV!!! 

I arrived on the 2nd of May for the Rehearsal in Dectar@UKM. The big stage which I used to perform every single semester. Watching em perform live on stage makes me itchy.

The year has come where I need to step down and let them shine instead. It recalled a lot of memories I had with my batch of newtuners. 

Major technical problem occurred during the 1st rehearsal. Draggy transitions and arrangement kinda get many seniors on their nerves. But performance wise, I thought they were pretty much ready. The spirit was there, the only matter was the execution on every details that were necessary to cover. The dance crews were amazing. No doubt!

Oh yea... Kajang was having flash flood when my geng & I went out to purchase something in town. It was raining heavily but it didn't cross our minds that the flood will occur. Which it did while we were still in the bookstore. We saw bunch of people freaking out running in and out of the shop. Then only I knew that the flood was coming. In a blink of an eye, the water level reaches our knees. Crappy lor... It was so disgusting and scary cuz we couldn't see the road, trying each step slowly so none will fall into the drain. 

Fhew... No injury, no spoil items...just very wet.... N remember, the cat dun like water... 

literary....

What an experience... 

3rd of May... The Concert day has arrived.

I made myself available for the final rehearsal. Something happened during the last song. One of the dancer has his hand bone joint detached...well, how do you call it? I never had that word crosses my mind. He was rushed to hospital by his dance mates... I was like, doom, he was one of the best in the team. I was a dancer, I knew who can dance. Particularly when he is cute....LOL. In the end, he was okay and he danced the whole night briliantly. 

I booked the front row's seat for a perfect view. And of course for the sake of my voice being heard on stage le. I was ready to scream and clap the whole night. Deep down, I wish the lady luck will have mercy on them, to be with them until the show ends. I enjoyed myself being an audience for the very first time. Of course it was an emotional one. I would be lying if I said I don't long to be on the stage. In fact, during one of the rehearsal slot, I was pushed to step onto the stage to help one of the singer on the showmanship. The light hits me and I was blank for awhile. What? What was that? Such an incredible feeling it gave...

The seniors

Being a hardcore supporter for the juniors, me and my batch's senior tuners totally lost our manners... we were bitchy loud, screaming our lungs out for good performances... we practically did the same thing on every song. Oh well... 

Some melodies are stubbornly attached to my memory box...looping non stop and I hated this. I don't know some of the lyrics...no pinyin....so I can only do humming...*DISLIKE*

Great job juniors. Although it was pretty rough in the beginning, but you guys pulled it off greatly on that night itself. You should be very proud of yourself. In fact, the main worry was also settled when quite a number of people turned up last minute. The responds were good too. 

I was surprise that my name still rings a bell among outsiders when the song Let Go was on. My name as the lyricist was displayed. And people came up to me saying that they can relate to it. Huhu...I'm glad that it could cuz it was based on real heartfelt. Thanks for that... credit goes to KimLeng too. He was the composer. I'm glad that I actually wrote the lyric cuz I might need to use that song pretty often~ to amend the bruised heart whenever it ache... hmm, deep....watever~

 Gatherings that we had~

NTLP XV is a sweet escape for me. I took a total of 3 days leaves for it, to follow the journey and to fully enjoy the show and of course the seniors gathering afterward. A wonderful event!

I'm so picking up electric guitar soon. It's too charming to be true. Let's see how this idea set itself in the pending list yea. Pls Pls Pls edit the songs fast and upload em to our group.

Let's hope NTLP XVI is plausible and it could only be better if not near perfect. 

Gosh, I miss you all already. Last year this time, I was feeling very lifeless while battling with Thesis. This year today, the lonesome was slightly bearable but I kinda dealt with another problem. Well, solvable. No sweat.... definitely solvable! Gosh, I love you PBB.

I'm the great for a reason! 

Kept me reminded of that! Pls!

It's very sad to leave

Now that I have to leave one day earlier than the rest makes me emotional~ well, extra emotional.

Luckily no any big plan was organized or I would totally skip the whole fun. But the fact is, all we really wanted was to be together. We don't get to see each other much especially this Tracie from Sabah. LOL. 

I know I need to go back. If I force to stay, it would be difficult for me to adjust myself to completely ignore the Melaka assignment. :( And now I'm sad. Cuz I made a correct decision which I dislike. 

Checkin in to reality one day earlier...walou~ how to be joyful!?!!

7-11th in Taman Malim Jaya Melaka, Stay at budgeted hotel (provided) @ batu berendam. I have zero knowledge where the hell that place is. And it's definitely slightly in secluded area.... Damn!

Wouldn't be allowed to drive there yet....so the whole week will be difficult. Fuck!!! 

Hope the workload will definitely be lighter and the hell, I'll be blasting off from office at 6.30pm everyday. The rajin bitch is gone. I want my Melaka night life...so anybody @Melaka next week?

:( 

The cat is not happy :(