Realization.

Hearing my bff got bullied by someone he care got me realized and face the truth that I too face the same situation. However i couldnt pick up the courage to seal this problem once and for all.

Months after months i gave myself a prolonged time to re-judge and re-analyse this relationship.
December was the month of beginning of ours. So this year end i have a lot of expectation on him and us. And again he failed me.

Thank you for clearing my mind and made the decision that i cant make.
Deep inside i still wish and ache for you. Maybe i miss the memories.

I love to cherish special days. Specifically birthday, christmas and new year. And you ditched me in all these special days.

U ditched me in a pre planned colleague trip. U almost ditched me in ur bday. I often ask if i have think too much. Want too much. Ask for too much. Did u give enough? And lately i realized that i have care enough. We cant and wont go any further. Perhaps that is the best for us.

Thank you for ditching me in all wonderful days cuz you made way for a blinded girl like me to finally see another presence of affection.

Your absence of not going the epoh trip found a new friend joined the group and that is the very 1st approach i found him being well and fine.

Your absence in xmas got me celebrated the lovely eve with him. Which made me realize how i love to be in a normal and simple relationship. I realized that for a whole prolonged year of 2015 i have been a wonderful listener and helper. I forgot that i love to share and talk too which were denied. Cuz i was busy caring for else one and forgotten to love myself.

Your absence in new year and your choice of appreciation to me and our relationship was just a phone call wishing me advance happie new year.

I went home ditching plan of celebrating new year and it was him who accompanied me thru the night via watsapp. He has his countdown but he would keep me accompanied.

Thanks to him i saw how under appreciated i was when i was with you and it was with another presence that i finally see this.

I dont doubt that you are thankful for my assistance in your career and as a friend. And do know that i too really am thankful for all the memories that we had.

And because of those wonderful memories, i found myself struggling to move on and let go of any tiny bitsy chances that we still have. Now that i see that you dont want this. I finally see.

Thankful for his presence for bringing a freshness for my dull and gloomy days. Pls dont dissapoint me.

Pls be brave and different.
Make my blog a happy playground and filled with stars and love.

2015 has been kind. So much of greatness.

Today is the 1st day of 2016.
I dont wish to do any resolution any more.
Cuz no point if i dont walk the talk.

PBB is 50th years old.
Im on my 5th year with PBB.
3rd year to my 2nd half of my life.

I only wish for 3 items now.
Vacations freedom.
Appreciation of life and celebrate love.
Health to have both the above.

Tq for loving me.
Whoever.

Today i sealed the unforgiving desire.
No more all these lame bullshit ok.
New year new start right?

it has been too long...

Okay. From the day i hide this blog, i myself no longer favour to write down my stories here pun. I wonder if it was me not lured to write as there will be zero chances of ppl reading me or that lately im just more sad than excited to write down anything.

But these few days more or less involve them both.
It all started during preparation for cjx bday.
I managed to get 9 people all of which are my favourite and i know cjx wouldnt mind to have on her bday. Plan was carried out quite nicely. Situated at greenbox we have cjx, jo wsy, derrick, lanson, nasrol, genesis, ms yap, zk n myself.

In the morning itself i have already sent her a bouquet of roses n a bell shaped ferrero chocolate box. She was more scare than happie when she received the flower. Cuz i have been telling her that i am bisexual. Haha...

I got everyone agreed on 7pm at jusco. We were given a medium room and many professional singers around yo...it was a warming and happie new get together. I specifically love it as i managed to carry out this big event. Not easy to gather 9 ppl around u see and it is like a dream team of my favourite participants. Some went home earlier. The seating places was abit odd really. Hmmp. I decided not to choose side. Cjx was occupied by jo wsy. So im glad she is taken care of. Everyone was at ease and have own sit around partner. I went home around 12am plus and once i bath n on bed, i have terrible migraine and was having cold. It was a sign of terrible fever.
How bad u ask? 1 week of high fever. 2 doctor visit.
Losing voice. N diarrhoea many days. 1day mc too.

The day, again someone has intentionally ignored my message making me so much in hatred. Again and again. That was the 1st day I set my watsapp setting in simplest setting n got everyone wonder why. Great! Ignorance done well. I hate it.

Cuz of this fever i missed 20th december PT gathering.
I almost missed a branch annual dinner as well of which i earned a lucky draw 2nd place.

What a month!

Fast forward. Xmas eve. Ky dated me for a lunch. The night before and the whole eve noon, a new friend was chatting with me on the phone. We again talked from a to z and from the moon and back. All sort.

He knowing i dont have any date for eve dated me for a dinner n countdown in a very unconventional way.

At one moment i thought he was just fooling around. But he was serious. He reaffirmed me. I was super excited i dont know why and nervous as hell.

Since KY didnt reserve me for a night date, I accepted his offer. We had a light dinner, a movie and cafe overnight chat past midnight at uptown.

It was a pleasant evening. It happens quite naturally. I found him very very lovely n gentleman.
He made sure i was pampered despite me wanting to wear the pant.

He wanted to call it quit for the movie cuz we had a limited time for dinner. I didnt want him to waste the money so i insisted we watch. I thought it would be awkward but ours were okay n I was comfortable with our close distance over the movie.

Warm talk at a cafe and we sat thru the countdown and saw santa who gave each of us a kit kat. From his place it was so bloody far and the night wasnt too kind with rain and traffic. Yet he kept his cool and carefree attitude making me breezy and comfortable.

After he went home we continue to talk until 3am. This was not our 1st time. Mid nite chat. It has been long since i last experienced mid nite chatting. He was still shy and i wonder if it was me or he has yet to get used to me. Or was i intimidating? Or i think too much?

It has been a long time since i last felt that way. Very loved n lovely.

But i thk he was thinking a lot. Holding just a little bit. Testing water?

The whole of that day i didnt think of the broken one. He often will find me chat but he no longer. N it doesnt surprise me. This made me realize he would hurt me specifically on special day cuz i will not be prioritized. If i was to wait for him to date me thinking that he likes me i would have wait forever.

Realization sucks u see. He is slapping an answer to my face telling me to wake up.

26th came and kayling bday arrived.
I had a great gathering with u65 kakis the whole of the evening.

I have total zero expectation from him any more.
I know he will need to chase his figure for these last few days. And its crucial. But what i can help i have already done. I have done my very best for him.

I cant do anything more even if im around at branch. I have another 2 days leaves n it happens to be his crucial days. Sigh. I wish u all the best. I really have devoted my best to you. But apparently.... it doesnt matter. I did not matter. never mind.

Get back the top sales recognition and we shall seal our friendship a good closure. Best of luck.

When i wanna talk to you, then im either too happy or too miserable.

I guess thats how i blog nowadays. The so so average day is not enough to lift my spirit and start a whole piece of writing.

I cant recall how many time i have clashed with u. Via watsapp i think today is the 4th. 

You know what it is fine. I said my sorry again for no reason and sealed the communication error. 

U think it was done. Far from done. Cuz it wasnt a problem until you confront me. You got your answer while i was just looking for one. 

Im done with this. Im taking back this privilege and will seek for fairness. Cuz frankly speaking i dont think you understand behind this privilege lies a lot of sacrificial that you dont see superficially and because it isnt visible and i aint bleeding thus you dont know how to respect that. Appreciation is not just what you say or the repaying via rewards or stuff like that. The world dont revolves around you and i dont owe you nothing!

What you think i said wrong i have apologized but what you said that hurt me back i have yet to receive an apology. A sincere one. Anyway u never feel that you done wrong. So fuck it. 

Ur revenge was a successful one.

*

Outta the blue i met another bold man.

Suddenly his presence become visible. 

I dont understand. 

That feeling of wanting to know wanting to explore evoke my curiosity again.

I wanted to know you better.

And i wanted you to know me better.

This is my baby step in reaching out and start to get to know a new person against my phobia for the 1st time. N i choose you.

I duno what u have in you. But i want to know.

I might not like it later but no harm trying.

You are a very good distraction for me to keep me off from feeling like a loser, a junk or a miserable bitch who cant help but wait. 

For one i cant tell if he is an answer or another flop.

I hope u r not a jerk. I presume u are not.

and im not as difficult as the feline i tried to be as long you dont sucks.

I dont hate u which is a good start for everything.

and you dont smell. Lol.

You aint ugly. Not at all.
In a way that i cant help but to look away.

In fact u always caught my attention. 

U have a full lips n a pair of considerably big eyes.

You aint a fat boy. Which i cant accept.
If i cant accept me being fat, you cant expect me to fall for a fat boy. Yet.

U dun text bad english. I can converse with u in a not bad mandarin too.

We dont have dead air moment yet. 

Gentleman 1st. A boy 2nd. 

Age is a factor but despite that you think mature.

You dont call me bitch for fun.

You dont yell at me or show me faces yet. 

You like dogs but hate my clan. Cat. Hmmp

You have dreams and is waiting to claim it.
I applause that.
Not everyone has aim and will work for it. 

Even if all above are fake. You cant fake chemistry.

Im glad we ate and chat over that one dinner.

Which i think cost the 1st bold to question me of being secretive and jealous kot n me hating it the next day. What is wrong with that.

I haven been so open up about my personal details for a long time and you offer a deary ears to listen. 

I hope we get more dates like this. 

However odd this can be. 

I just want to spend time with people who deserve me. 

You missed me.
Whoever.

Damn damn damn.... what i do to make you here n near...#avril

That song was a real deal and was the hottest when i lost my 2nd main crush.

I remember he love this song very much and he often strum on the guitar and sing.
Those were the happy days. And noting much later that there were at least 3 other pairs of eyes locking onto him. Cuz that kinda personality apparently attracted 4 gals having main crush on him which later he broke 3 including mine.

Since then i have banned the name Edmund. Along side with Justin, Frederick, any Chan and some other names.... hahaha

The above are not what i meant to say at all today. Jeez....

Sigh.

Lately. I macam think throughout a lot of things...
I think i will manage to let go and enjoy this platonic relationship.

I have randomly hinted and sensing some answers although not as much preferred. I dislike it but there is really nothing i can do considering my ultra ego issues. Of which the issues only lies in my head. It has nothing to do with him or others. Ultimately if i never let him in at all he will never got the chance to occupy my head and got me crumbled.

So i only got myself to blame.

We talked about the 1 year that we knew each other of and he is thankful for my presence.
I named my 2015 as a year of revenge to avenge my past 2 years of miseries. And you appear in my life bringing so much of colours and fun into every little things that we did. We created a lot of memories together.

I only wonder if those memories meant anything to you. Cuz i cherish them a lot.
I had a merrier journey and i see my self opening up to chances and offers. Im thankful for your presence though i might never tell you in person. I hope by chance you will read this and realize that you made me a happier person. You made me experienced on how to love and be loved.
A feeling of being in a relationship... and why they name it complicated. But i was never in a relationship. Never was. Its nice to be able to tell how does it feels like now. Close but never is.

Thank you for everything.
I wish you well.

There are things i will often do against my will but my curiosity got the best of me...

So i would do it any way and regret almost immediately every single time. 

But whatever i gain from the curiosity might not favour me or be in favour of me. Thus...

After many disappointment, i finally made up my mind not to do it. Not to view, not to find. Not to ask or not to find out any more. 

So im getting use to not kepochi any thing that has to deal with you. While i was pampered by the fact that ill always be informed thinking that i was the one being caring to be a good listener, i forgot that it could also be an effort from you to allow me see an insight into your well being. But again... i could never tell. I... and i dont know how. 

So you being you... always so fluctuate... 

So fickle minded. Indecisive and so overthink everything but the necessary...

Maybe i cant beat my ego to be more direct caring and be well rounded sacrificial person...

Living up to the age if 27 yrs old i thk i understand a lot of things and i dont need you to judge whether or not i understand what you are going through. 

Sick of this. 

Tired. There is time when i no longer give a fuck on what is going on... i will smirk without noticing. Its like a silence victory.

And perhaps u might catch me talking to myself in other languages too. 

Need some good rest. :3 

Imy

*

Be confident. You have already made the decision 6 months ago.

You have never been so convinced and committed as far as i can see for now. 

I know you wanted it. 

Do it. 

So long you know that you can shoulder this responsibility and you would do anything to make it work, then you proceed against all odds. 

If only you see that in something else too. 

* 

I want this christmas to be special. 

My heart and my soul went to kiwiland already so i am only left with pumpkin dear. PT geng said wanted a reunion aka xmas gathering but nobody made a initiation since the last time we spoke....

i wanna have that cycle continue... the pre christmas deco visitation and shopping!!!

Find a santa and seek for a gift.

A gift i named 

Happiness. 

Give me or you shall die.

hahaha

Sigh

Silly me. 

Safe trip my heart and my soul.

15th Nov. A farewell gathering.

Those from ukm will know how close we are. We are everywhere together. 

Not all course mates can become so close together even after graduation. Im so glad we four made it this far. You both have served me 1 year notice on the successfully bided once in a lifetime opportunity; working holiday in New Zealand. 

Reluctant and jealous, yet i never wish to talk you out of the idea. I always am selfish and i wish to keep wanting you all near me in the most selfish way. But i love you. So there is a quote that says if you love someone set them free. Cuz if they love you they will come back to you eventually. And that eventually is only a year's duration. 

I have been bawling like a big baby these 2 days. 

I guess the 12 months duration is already feel like forever when they finally went into the boarding room. 

17th Nov has already arrived. I promised to send them off and i even took leave in case if they need my assistance. So i travelled to klia2 for the 1st time. I thought it was a big airport. Well i wasnt in the mood to explore so i wasnt very impressed with its size i guess. Well... its awkward to waive goodbye to your closest. Cuz we dont say goodbye to our loved ones. We just dont. 

I look super awful. Dont judge.

I never like to cry in front of people. Cuz i look super messy and ugly when i did cry. So i hate people who do that. 

And it happen on that faithful monday night when you again questioned my best interest in you and for you in my most emotional days. Whenever i feel like im being misjudged, blamed and out casted aka IGNORED, i will have a tendency to cry. Cuz after all the good that i have done, these nonsense come to me? How wrong!

You never seems to be bothered by what your insensitive expression caused by your high sensitivity perception. And i havent been the most open book you can view. I dont know how to be open with you cuz I dont know what we are.

You said i dont tell things... 1st cuz i dont think u bother to listen to and 2ndly i dont feel that you care. A lot of things i only will tell once. If i feel that you dont listen then im done!

i seriously hate guessing and doubting this. What is all this? Its not even important to you! 

The fact that i care and i made a fuss out of it... its all about my naiveness and stupidity! And i cant even believe i stay put with that whole argument on that day.

Anyway, Im glad you sat and talked through the whole shits and didnt walk off like i would expect you to do. Your initiation to seal the argument is a mature decision. There is still a lot of things im not convinced and i wish to clarify but i hold my tongue.

But then again... who am i to ask? 

Who am i to know? 

What's not given is not mine. 

What's not allow i dont own. 

Thus if we are nothing... then we shud just be that of what we are now. Be just what friends will do and expect and behave. 

It hurts me to know and believe that all we can have is just that. But it better hurts me now than to continue believe a fake anticipation that will never come. So close and real. And it made me believe that perhaps i am not good enough. That crushes me badly. 

Im sorry i have fallen for you. Im sorry to have read the sign all wrong and behave like a bitch when i feel like im being misled again and be disappointed again. Im sorry for myself to have and be convinced to push doubts against all the odds to try nurture this relationship. 

Many a times i've tried given up but somehow something nice that you do again reaffirm that perhaps i can wait a bit longer before jumping to a conclusion. Something nice... well. I thought wrong again. 

But i've never been offered an answer and i dont have patience. 

i guessed wrong. 

I promise to be smarter.

I wish you both well love. 

My heart and soul. My closest and dearest.

Pls be home safe n sound in a year's time. 

Open up your heart and eyes for the bigger world out there. Return with wisdom and more love. 

Be well. I love you both. 

You dont know hard was it for me to hold back my tears when i saw u both walk through the gates, 

The ache of my heart when i hug u both last, temporary... :'(

Pls no more farewell... at least not until the year end for good. 

2nd year.

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
#joshgroban #towhereyouare

13 Nov 15. Yesterday i was in terrible mood.
Today i was super stressed but something about today's date made me feel heavy and sombre.

The shitty day kept raining heavily while i was travelling to Mantin. I suddenly recall today date as the 13 Nov. Then i realized why i behave the way i did these two days, pms aside.

Busy all the way up to meet some people and sign a big loan. Saw cows everywhere. Typical scenarios in Mantin. But yea.. today it significantly stands near my car. Haha...

I wish i can stop looking forward to that date. This year i almost forget... thus i guess im improving. I can slowly put that memory on the place it belongs.

I wish i can someday... i wonder if i should.
Today is the 2nd anniversary of my dog's departure from my life. A loveless 2 years i went through without his love. How unforgiving. How insecure. How lifeless. I miss u old baby...

I miss hugging you and im tired of missing you.
:'(

Today was the day i waived you last goodbye.
Some pain i will never ever want to experience again. That ache on and off came back and crushed me but i have another 23 years to live babe.

Shine me your love and warmness from where you are. My blessed 10 years with you.
I love you Choi Choi. Always.

Forgive me. Pls forgive me.

No, we're not promised tomorrow.
So would you love me like u're gonna lose me?

I know when the hotline bling.
That could only mean one thing...

You used to call me on my cell phone...
midnight when you need my love.

#mat jiwang

After many months...
We finally practice songs again. No, not the above songs. Haha.
Dammit. I miss us doing that.
Thanks for reminding me how much i love singing and how good i am doing what i love doing. I have always love u with the guitar Alvin.

I almost gave up yesterday night cuz bad flu and i felt sickly. But then today woke up and things went well slightly.
Little excitement but i promised to go and i did.

The moment i open my voice i knew i can and will and cant wait to perform this saturday.
Hope my best that it will be materialized.

I am often so close to say no or to decline an offer or an audition. Which is why my dreams never come true cuz i dont even allow myself to fall and fail and grow and be better.

By the time i realized this and thought that i finally ready with necessities,  i am already too old for audition and lacking of experience takes me no where.

What i can do now is to seize any chance to perform. I love being on stage that is for sure.
And i truly believe i have good enough talent to be the one in the spot light.

Sigh. Sigh.

You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

What is not given i wont ask
But i will yearn
I will not beg but i will hope
i will seek but i wont steal
i will try but only to my heart's will
i will give only to my head's given sanity
i will learn only for the rights
i will wait only for the truth
i will stop when u fail me more than my ego could accept.

what you dont let me know i wont ask
but you dont expect me to understand
what you keep away from me i wont ask
but you dont expect me to be understanding
when you rejected me from entering your world even if i have tried time to time against my ego
you dont expect me to share mine wholeheartedly too.

there is no equality and there is no fairness too
i respect your secrecy
But i dislike it a lot cuz you denied genuine transparency that i seek for in a relationship between friends.
However like i have said, i respect that.
But dont expect mutual understanding flow and willingness to sacrifice,  a giving relationship from me.

I have been betrayed before.
Thus im extremely choosy in people who i let into my life.
Dont make me feel sorry for my choice.

Therefore, i will let go when the time is right.
It has passed anyway.
Ive failed my own promise. So how do i expect people to keep theirs.


Gah... whatever. Im throwing in the towel.

It tooks a lot of effort to keep my hair long for the past 10 years. 

Ever since i was young i love going to the saloon. I like it when they cut my hair. I dont know what kind of interest is this. The longer the stylist cut my hair the better. I found my entire focus diverted to the hair cutting procedure. I feel at ease. Somehow they cut away my stress. My stylist she often use more than 30 min on my hair. I often catch her free and she would provide appointment for me. 10 yrs with her :)

And in that 30 min i found myself transforming all the time. And every time i want to leave my hair long, i am lured to cut again. There is always something that crop up and make me stress all over and the only painless cut i can have on myself is on my keratins. 

Why dont i make this decision when i was in ukm?

Everytime i have something in my head that i can no longer bear ill just go cut it. 

The more i cut the prettier i got. Dammit. 

Haha

Whats the point anyway?

Now im a bit sick and left not accommodated and pampered both yesterday and today. 

Im more a man than a man who i wish i would met. 

I dont know how i caught some cold today. But im not feeling so comfortable.

I wish to talk to somebody. But lazy communicating both ways. Only this never-talk-back-blog can hear me out and let me channel my inner feeling non shamefully. Sigh.

We are becoming bff eh? How odd. 

Im so tired. 

Guess ill stop here... :(

Delighted with your offer. Movie n dinner. 

Ourtime is a comedy/love/drama and i like it much. I thk i would have laugh out louder if i understand chinese better. Thanks for introducing.

The movie made me laughed so badly cuz it reminisced a lot of school time on how girls behave and they dwell in girl's thoughts which are quite true also. At the same time it leads us to a innocence love storey... one that is denied its chance to be blossomed. Thanks to human nature... we dont try enough, we arent brave enough, we dont want enough... only to let chances go. 

It is a bit aching to have a movie reflecting my situation before my eyes with my uncertainty. Or his. 

Never brave enough cuz fearing of losing a friendship. The ultimate reason all my life. 

It is okay... its ok. 

I was getting tired with my hair style so i thought i should have cut it. But you know why i always wanted to cut my hair...

And i like how boyish i look with a bang.

:)

Short hair craze. 

Why make me believe and fall and then take back everything....

selfish and despicable.

I heard this quote that says... identify a growing man and a wrong man. What is my position to determine that? 

I have low tolerance of pain... so i avoid. I try to ignore and forget. So now i try to jump queue and wish to let go. Problem is u cant skip the growing process. Now im stuck. Save me pls.

Im learning to understand the sign all over again. Apparently horoscope judgement have sense and it aint no fake random details k.

It was my eyes being blinded, heart fluttered some wrong beats and the mind wander too far from home. 

Innocence. Or stupid. Or both. 

I remember yonlek and i wished for someone we love that could make our heart skips a beat. 

But i read that we should always find someone who makes us comfortable being around with instead of someone who always makes us stand on our toe.

im gonna sulk a long time. Another 3 years?

Suddenly the song Unwell makes some sense lyrically to me. One of my favourite song of all time. 

"Im not crazy, im just a lil unwell 

i know right now you cant tell

but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

a different side of me

im not crazy im just a lil impaired 

i know right now you dont care

but soon enough you're gonna think of me

and how i used to be."

Will i want to stay?

'There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?'

Coming from the same place.

I always wanted some spiritual freedom. 

"It is okay... 

you will never understand. 

You dont understand. 

Sigh. 

I dont want talk to you now.

i dont want to say the wrong thing. 

I dont know how to talk to you any more. 

What you want me to do? 

What can i do?

What do you want now?

I cant answer you that. 

I really dont know what do you want."

Would i ever want? There is no if and no rewind button even if i wish to. 

Tq for all the beautiful memories. 

Year end coming. Close to a year now. 

So fast the time pass me by...

if felt like just yesterday. 

Many things have change over the period. 

I need a new start and a new aim. 

Help me. I need a pay raise and some good luck charm. 

More beach vacation yea! 

With committed human. 

Jcdagreat has to be back!

#epohmali super odd foursome awesome

I didnt noe heaven exist in epoh. 

Im just saying. Not that i believe in heaven. But i presume if it ever exists, it should be as beautiful at this minimum level. I have the same feeling when i was at bali. A place between heaven and earth. Y? Cuz i always believe there is surely a place more beautiful than the one that just got u in awed. Thus most definitely that place i cant call heaven yet. Perhaps it was the people that ive been with has yet to make me feel heavenly. I dont know. But this was close. What epoh never cease to amaze me is that it is surrounded by mountains. Greenery all the way in and out of the state. 

This temple in the cave is a must visit. In comparison to all the too much colour too much prayers going on too many statues... this one is full of peace and serenity. I thought temple is suppose to make your heart at ease and mind awakes. 

Plan b. I was like what so special about a restaurant which there is another branch at kl? Kl restaurant lor... i walked past it the 1st time i was there. Little that i know that there is a hidden tour inside. Smart la the boss. If i have another nite to chill at epoh i'll definitely hang out there... i saw a live band equipment there... hehe...

2 from sales team. 2 from processing team.

We may clashed at branch a lot... but nevertheless we clicked quite well during the trip. 

My intention for this whole trip was initially to celebrate holloween at the castle. Dream come true partially. The castle has a history of death n pain which is sad and eerie. But they walked in anyway. I didnt want to go in cuz i dont want to bet on meeting one of the spirit. Free thinkers may have no belief but doesnt mean that free spirits dont exist. I respect people believe in their beliefs but i wish to relay on humanity even though it has its flaws and is depreciating in value. Seriously i truly wish i can love something wholeheartedly like them loving their almighty. Cuz wen thing goes wrong they can hold on to this spiritual power to get them trough.  Many a time... i just have myself. 

A blur shot....  but i love it anyway. 

I have a believe that one will have the brightest smile in the photo when one is being photograph by her loved one. 

This group is a fine one with a lot of get to know each other and new fun found in epoh. 

Im not done there. Many more places to be explored. 

Thank you for giving me a wonderful 3 days fun and take my mind of some messy shitty stuff. 

I was pampered because i happen to be younger and a girl. It has been long since i last felt that way. 

By the way... i hate waking up in the day super early just for hotel breakfast cuz i seriously dont mind not eating in the morning and im okay with wasting the free buffet. Im not okay with the hotel bathroom cuz i dont pay the freakin rm168 just for bed.

I dislike picking up random calls and loud ringing tone is a red button. So dun fucking intercom the hotel phones... i really really hate ringing tones especially its meant as a morning wake up call. Do u have any idea how long have i put my cell phone on silent. I depends on vibration only... i dont wish to hate the song i put as ringtone. 

However i like it when you can tell that i am clumsy especially when i need to go up the stairs. Weak cardio, lacking of oxygen thanks to my nose... ill get wobbly feet. When you reach out for me... im thankful. 

Wont be able to discreetly tell how much i have eaten n stuff. Good stuff always best to keep to myself until u ask for it. Muahahaha.... 

Nights. 

* 

It could have been perfect until you say no. 

But we will never noe. 

I'm lucky to be alive now after the afternoon water rafting incident.

Shall I died, which i cant and i didnt... I seriously dont know how bad 

things will be. 

I cant describe how close i was to drown and die at the pretty age at 27 years old and with hideous attire. 

Those who knew me know that i cant swim. The closer ones will know the reason was due to my phobia of water after an unfortunate drowning incident when i was a kid. 

I vowed never to die under suffocation and drowning cuz inability to breath sucks. If you ever allergy on air (air particles) you will understand. 

Today agenda was a twisted faith of event which leads to this wonderful journey of water rafting. The journey down the stream and back up the hill via a truck was super adventurous and exciting. 

But that 1 min drama in the middle of the journey will haunt me forever.  I was thrown into the river twice and the last one was an intended accident or could be real accident, the boat overturned and collapsed on us. Having no experience in this playground and being the terribly unfortunate one, i was trapped inside the boat and i cant resurface. Fear, suffocation and panic hit me badly. Waters immediately rushed into any possible air pores that i have and i swallowed too much of water. 

The instinct was obvious. To stay alive. To get out and resurface. I kept chanting i cant die. Must get out. I pushed so hard and away from the boat. Everything happen so fast and i was finally resurfaced. Nearby boat managed to grab me and pull me up onto their boat. I remember i manage to muttered something from my barely enough oxygen state... please pull me up...By the time my concious hit me, i found myself breathing so hard and the other team mates were all fine. All were saved by the other boat and pulled to safety.

Shamed, angry and grateful at the same. 

I can only imagine if i was to stuck in the boat not being able to resurface...

if there was no other boat round or if the stream was even rougher than today's...

if my equipments did not function and if i knock something hard and is unconscious...

if only i died today...

:'(

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to face my phobias and possibly die going through one of them.

You have no idea how fearful i was at the moment. 

I saved myself. 

At the moment of death, you realized that you actually wish to be alive. 

And im alive! 

*

And i supposed it didnt matter to you. 

Cuz i dont see your fear of losing me. 

My new aim looks good in photo. And in person.

He is not handsome. But he has a charm to him. 

And is elder than me. Thank almighty whoever. 

I had my eyes lock in his for sometimes now. Really wish to know more about him. But he is no banana either. Sigh. Im not even close to him. Oh well. 

Shud i build my chances or wait for luck again? 

Wait. Am i thirsty now? Dry after 27 years? Hmmp

Not quite. Can wait awhile more? Ermmmm....

I guess! Yea... i guess i can. Good opportunity and distraction from my current heartache.

Why is getting a banana so darn difficult now?

Opposite attract?  No way. My 1st 3 main crushes were all Bananas. Or appear to be bananas. Haha. 

Have all of them go extinct now?

11 pm plus and im not sleeping. 

My gf ajak me chatting today and reminisced many good old memories and i realized i was in the ocean (during uni) and yet i couldnt catch a fish. She said i was always stuck to my activities and my groups. Perhaps. 

Anyway. Not important any more. Those who i thought potential candidates and had lil crush on end up really pathetic looking and god... am i lucky to escape that. Ok that bitch mouth. (Double slap!!)

But who am i to judge right? Cuz im getting better looking myself? (Triple slap bitch!)... i somehow function late abit...people looks great n youthful in their 18 or 22 years old. But i became somebody only when i hit 26 yrs old esp when i chop off my great length of hairs. That kinda mother fucker heart ache can only be compared to the heartache i felt after my bday celebration. The feeling of losing bit by bit of my passion and dreams. 

I realized some of my dreams aren't tailored made for my life and i dont have enough fabulous genes to carry the big hat over my head. N i have an infinite undefinable link to pigs family. So instead of choosing to work my ass off towards my bigger than life dreams, i choose to let go. If given me another chance will i still let go... perhaps yes. Unless you give me another family or another life and another pathway in my journey, then perhaps ill act differently. If not do not assume i did not make the best out of the chances i have. You have zero idea about me. Yes for regrets and lack of passion as main contributor. 

Hmmp... wer am i going with the story now.

You know what i suddenly have an urge to take up master in English literature. I could have choose this over bio last time. But my course give me the best memories in uni. So no. Maybe now!!!

If education is free, ill be the sole artist who die die try master all the art courses in the world. Anything you could think of. Start with perhaps fashion design school, indian traditional dance and voice as main instrument. Ha ha ha

Sigh

I need a brand new distraction.

I wanna fall in love. A love so pure that i could free falling without fearing harm and pain. Will this Christmas makes a miracle? 

I wish for a forever. Even if forever only last in some memories. Bring me back to life. Will ya?

Perhaps i need to change job instead. 

Lolz. Not funny. :(

 

Farewell loved ones.

Saying good bye is not my greatest strength.
Never is.

Without fail. Ill cry.
Call me selfish. I want everyone that i love to be near me. Even if i dont see anyone of them, i wish them to be near and reachable vice versa.

The worst one that hit me was my dearest wong choi's departure. One goodbye i will not forgive myself for. Forever.

I know all these are temporary but i cant help being emotional. Since ah lek came back from sabah we have been inseparable. We have gone through each other's worst time and best ones. She kept me occupied when one by one of my closest leave me.
Im happy for her to be able to venture out and experience the world on her own. Something i have yet able to try. I hate to see you leaving cuz i dislike missing you. You know i need my gf right? Now who is going to listen to my new crush dilemmas and my new bitchiness attempt? Who is going to give my mom free medical advise ? :(

I know its coming but i didnt wish to face this till the very last day. She is flying on sunday morning.

After ah lek, my best uni mates kheng and fang fang are also leaving for working holiday at NZ coming Nov end. God. That will be painful. It will take them 1 year's tenure to come back. And if they like it there... they could n would find a reason to stay. Haha... i know u girls too well.

My heart is aching so badly. Nobody know it but me. Dammit that song!.

After that Kimyang will leave me as well to Sarawak to join ah lek, possibly b4 December.
Omg. Yokepoh n her husband too. :'(

One leave and then one replace... its like a circle of friendship. After jiayie and eewen left and went to SG and setiawan, i have them to soothe my need of companionship. Now Ill be alone again. :(

Perhaps all these goodbyes are necessary for one to shape a weak girl like me. I need a heart of steel. Cage that lil useless bitch into a treasure box. Bury it deep down cuz i dont wanna see her sobbing and thinking that she is no longer loved. Cuz i know that she is not.

Im definitely missed. As much as you are.

Absence is a tool to test a relationship. It either grows or wilts. Ill wait u guys home. :')

Or ill go visit you guys if i couldnt tolerate missing u all. Now i have a perfect reason to plan vacation. Far far vacation.

I sucks in goodbye. Im not even sure if i can send you guys flight. I cant waive goodbye knowing well that i can only see you much later and there is nothing i can do about it.

I guess waving goodbye to crushes is much easier.  So much easier. Cuz i have a reason to let go. Many valid one.

Excuse my emotional disturbance for a moment.

:'(

i need a new adjustment. Meanwhile ignore my
my needs for comfort and manjaness.

Only banana can understand another banana.

The way we talk somehow make more sense to each other.

We dont got to step on each other tails cuz we know what will sound wrong to another people's ear.

Our interpretation and expression of a feeling and motion definitely gone through several layers of filtration so they soothe all kind of communication with all kind of others.

Thus our sensitivity level are quite high cuz we tend to pick up feeling in wordings and conversation as a whole. And if you dont mind your words, you may easily hurt us. Okay perhaps its just me. Coincidently me happened to be a banana.

My adjustment to environment is high and strong.
I managed to mingle with non banana and become one as them as a team. On and off some will step on my tail and ill forgive them.

But things might not be as what we have plan.
I wonder what im talking about. Dammit....

*

wai ho weng yuen fong bat dai
wai ho chor ngoi zeh yat wai

Dont make me say sorry if im not wrong.

My apology is expensive.

I used to be someone who will argue till the end even if my tear pores never strong enough as my head.

But as i aged, i find it ridiculous to argue with zero sense human. Waste of energy. Waste of breathe. Waste of time. Seriously. You can proved them wrong with evidences yet they still think you are wrong. Its your problem. It is you who dont understand. Its you. Me. Yes. Me.

So i swallow my pride and my ego and spit out an apology despite it being not my wrong. As long as everyone is happy and i can end a stupid nonsense argument.

I will remember every single sorry that i have said which im wronged. Whoever and whenever.

I cant handle rude, stupid, lazy and unappreciative people. Cuz stupid people are just too rude and lazy to learn how to appreciate what others have done good for them.

Im really tired. Im keeping up with the world ignorance and its cruelty. Yet its not enough. And these all have to come from you.

Your my sweetest mistake.
One too sweet to be bargain with.
Im sorry.
im sorry.
Im sorry.

One more time...im counting yes, im crazy.
Just one more time then Im done.

:'(

17th of Oct 2015. A wonderful day

It started off with a break on friday. Ive taken a day off on friday knowing i wont be able to enjoy the weekend doing nothing. The usual wednesdate was switched to fridate for the bday purpose. 

Jo made a bday blurberries cheesecake for ahlek and we celebrated at her house before going for dinner. And of course we often moved on to 2nd round and somehow we end up loving coffee and dreams. Both the crazy girls were their usual self... well as crazy as ever. I like my girl loving my gift. She use the doraemon pouch i gave her and it was really a pretty sight. 

We played till 12.30am and i reached home around 1am. I slept well late and knowing tomorow morning will be hell cuz i wouldnt be able to wake up not grumpy. But the adrenaline rush got me going. Ok. 1st wake up bath and get dressed. 

Then make up and be normal pretty. Not pretty pretty cuz i cant outshine the bride. 

Then wait ahlek to fetch me to join the jimui mission and be barriers to the bridegroom n hengdai to crush in. Fun games.

As tired as i was, i looked forward to the wedding dinner cuz it will be u65 gathering as well. 

Familiar faces, so loving so comfortable so soothing. The dinner was wonderful with them as companion. Most importantly, its yokepoh next journey in life; marriage with dearest husband. 

I called them the shy couple. Very sweet together. 

I remembered i ask poh poh once on why he would accept her bf then. She is always the sweet shy girl and smart for sure. And why among all, she chose him. 

She told me that he was persistence. 

He didnt give up. 

You go boy! 

A gene i look for in a man as well.

Cuz i cant help being difficult. Im born difficult. Complicated. Thus if i dont see that in you. You wont withstand me.

The night continue after we waved goodbye to the dinner mate n the couple. Somehow all of us were reluctant to leave. Dunno y.... oh by the way... the invited band i thk was named as the retro king was so entertaining. The main vocalist god dammit given wonderful vocal! Holly crap!

We celebrated one more round of bday celebration for ah lek at I-delicious. We cant choose coffee house cuz we are always too loud and we cant be chased away. 

I miss you all already.

*

How could an angel break my heart - Toni Braxton

I heard he sang a lullaby
I heard he sang it from his heart
When I found out thought I would die
Because that lullaby was mine
I heard he sealed it with a kiss
He gently kissed her cherry lips
I found that so hard to believe
Because his kiss belonged to me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling star?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

I heard her face was white as rain
Soft as a rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name
I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesn't make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling star?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

Oh, my soul is dying, it's crying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me

How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch my falling star?
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?

*

Read the sign Joanne. 
The very sign ur 1st crush taught you. 
Havent you learned anything since then. 
They are not stupid. 
You are the one being stupid and
be ignorance of it. 

The signal is clear. Crystal clear.
Wishes well and move on.
Dont spoil a good friendship.
Dont pick up rotten wave length any more.
10 years since your 1st love and yet you are too dumb to understand?

Im proud of how strong you have hold on to yourself so long. Why didnt you see it? And giving in and giving up now is so shamefully wrong. What are you thinking?

Listen to the brain. The heart is the most hollow n shallow zero intellectual bitch i have ever known in you. One month delay of what seem promised didnt come true cuz you have yet to acknowledge the signal.

Com'on.

Lock it up and bury it for real.
Let it be.
You will be normal again.
Till the next butterfly come.
I got a feeling it will comes soon.
Cuz i see it flying by always.

How could you break an angel's heart?