Yesterday. 
Clarification. 
I guess it is important to come clean and be clarified prior to moving forward. Its only fair and crucial for recovery specifically towards the special one and oneself.

It was a unplanned dinner and we met after his game with friends.

The day b4 yesterday i finally told him the story that has been bothering me for a month which was actually a problem carried forward since complication occurred.

But i didnt tell him the person involved. 1stly i though the less people know about this the less issue will incur as we are all colleagues.

And i suppose he will know who is the party eventually. How hard it is to guess anyway cuz i cant lie. And he is so good in interrogation. Lolz.
But i appreciate the fact that he care to know.

The topic somehow reignited over the dinner and the cats were finally outta the bags. I spilled the beans and we even discussed over it.

Initial hesitation was gone as i can tell his intention to know and his sincerity to clear my mind and perhaps his uncertainties as well.

We shared past stories.

It was a 4 hours chat over a cosy dinner. :)
You got me thinking and listening in a good way. It's really difficult for me to open up especially when the drama just occurred recently. It's even harder when i couldnt tell or truly understand the story as a whole even though i was in the drama.

But my assurance was true. Leo doesnt make decision solely base on just one accusation or a fight. It was an accumulation of anger and upsets that got us behave the way we did.

When delaying decision is finally made there is no turning back. I could take forever to decide thus taking a huge leap and make a call that could totally change our life path is pure horror. So if i ever make a decision then it is for real. Dont doubt my choice.

Yesterday i saw another side of maturity in you. You are indeed very different. Enlighten me...

Rebirth?

One Last Time

The moment i mention this word... my heart fell.
1st of all, my distraction got distracted. It got lost and i wonder if it is doing something else busy with stuff or got some other wonders to attend to.

While it was at it, i tried to get my thinking straight and explore what my heart really want.

I am someone who wish to escape all pain and suffer if i can so i dont have to face them and make any decision.
So i often chill 1st and cry later kinda Bitch.
You may bully or hurt me today but ill probably cry 2 days later... depends on how hurtful it is i suppose. Slow emotional reaction kot. Haha...
But prior to the final reaction ill do a lot of thinking also. Weighing on decision's consequence and giving excuses to those who are involved you know like they dont mean it or i could give another chance to you kinda stuff... i mean... whats wrong with 2nd chance?

You know whats wrong with it? Some people dont deserve a 2nd chance. Some people waste it. And im just a terrible liar... cuz i may give you second chance but i will never forget your 1st mistake.

Going back to the last drama i had, today i did some revisitation to old photos and my old posts in blog.
I am wishing to reopen my blog to public. I have always been open about my blog cuz not everyone really read anyway. I feed bad when i have to hide it cuz i was having this dark period and everything written is just pure nonsense and hurtful. This part of me is not me. Its not what i want. And nobody can help me but myself. Thus i need a moment of silence.

I thought i was about to ready today but when i checked the posts for over half a year... i felt stupid. The last drama, whatever happen was inevitable. Cuz it wasnt me who trigger the shits. But the pain that came with it was so bad all thanks to my stubbornness and my believe to the impossible that so long there is still a hope and something i can hold on to, therefore ill still hold on to it. Such bullshit.

The struggle my heart went through cuz its blinded view cant make a way outta the mess. It is like the stuff i have been avoiding coming back as karma and hit me hard.

Like me believing that he could be the one and after all the heartache i still wish to believe and i still work for a hope. It took 1 fucking year, alot of confusions and only with a sharp disturbing accusation and painful lashed out I finally wake up to this funeral of the death of a beautiful friendship.

This fact is like the fact that i dont believe in god. Why i hate it and the idea of even wanting to believe a superior power beyond my scientific mindset? What harm it does to me? I was mad with it because i have no one to hold on to when my world was dark and hellish during my childhood. I pray for him to take me away. To heal my family. To give me happiness. It never happen. What i have today is due to my perseverance and because of that i appreciate my life even better. But if i can believe the human who could continuously hurt me then why cant i start believing this almighty?

I often say i wish to avoid all the negative person in my life who in anyway reflected my family members... i end up taking one more sick person and got me sicker. Pls dont get me wrong. Beneath all shits of recent, this man i adore is magnificent!
He is just not mine. I will always miss your attention. Your devoted needs and everything you have done for me. You open my eyes to a lot of views and teaches me a lot on being more relax and open minded. I couldnt thank you enough for all the sweet memories.

It was entirely my choice. My incapability to let go when i was suppose to. My inability to brave up for an earlier answer. My unwillingness to face the truth got me fallen so deep and plunged into somewhere darker. I dont wanna go there anymore. Pls. Pls pls pls pls.... pls dont do this! I dont like it there.

I revisit our photos and memories and i couldnt believe that that was the person who lashed out all the terrible words on me. Im still in a disbelieve state.

You will move on cuz 1 year is nothing to you. I dont think this is the 1st time you ever hurt anyone. I will move on with memories cuz i cant forget. You force broken this bond.

You will always have doubt in my words because of your accusation even though you know too well that i am incapable of lying. With that you plucked the purest form of foundation of a friendship. You told me you trust me. You told me however great i was to you. You took everything back when things got outta hand.

You will always have issue with my ego. My confidence is built solely by my ego to excel, my ego of self reliance, my ego of my good nature and humility. Those of what draws you to become my friend. Today you told me those are the things you cant bear with cuz i never apologize for my mistake and that i wont admit my wrong doing. My sorry is not cheap because i wont intentionally hurt those that i love. With you i have said way to many sorry. This time i wont. No more!

One last time. Knowing my behavior much too well thus i revisit one last time to have my heart completely broken so that it wont ache again the next time i see hear or talk about it. I will not even tell one more story about this cuz its damn over. I wanna recover. I wanna be healed. Thus this route i must take. I have deleted even the chat box so i wont revisit it again. Great.

This new distraction is starting to act and talk like the one that i have lost. And im on my nerve on this matter.

One last chance. Then Im done!

January dates

Dated at IOI city mall :)

Luckily the spoiler didnt manage to spoil our date.

Im still not sure if this is call a date. 

And im not sure if you want people to know it or not. 

So i dont really dare to take photo of us or post any of yours at fb.

Course finished early so i checked in to the Wellness Mines Resort 1st thing once work is done.

Then I rest bath and i went to ITTC to fetch L to the mall as per agreed. After eating and walk about, the clock shown 10pm and the mall was closing. He didnt appear to wanna go back hostel and suggested bowling and movie too.

Eventually we agreed on driving around Cyberjaya and Putrajaya.

He told me all the historic past of his, his 1st job at Cyberjaya. The house he used to stay, his eating spots during lunch hour and so on...

He openly told me alot of things. 

:)

Do you tell them to others too?

Those memories that you have there at Cyberjaya were they include your ex?

I hope you werent reminiscing past memories of hers with me. Dont make me her replacement or a better version?

Pls convince me

Dont give up on me

Make me fall for you for good

Let me forget the past.

Im giving in and im accepting the odds

So be clear and be real :)

***

22th of Jan. 

Exactly 20 days from your bday.

Your gift which i have earlier booked 1 month ago finally has arrived. So happen that you have dated me so i was wondering if i should deliver it or wait next time with another purpose. 

I dont wish you to feel that i was rushing to something or wanting to make u stress ...

It was really meant for bday gift.

So i decided to send to you. 

We had fun guessing it didnt we?

A Thermos.

I hope you like it.

We watch a movie that i really wanted to watch. 

The Boy. 

A few scary part got me really scared. i have warned you about my pattern if i watch a horror movie. Haha... sorry i cant help those habit.

Sorry that it was boring beyond my expectation. 

Huhu... but im glad you are willing to keep me companied. 

We tried food court tonite and it was heaty. You fulfilled my Sangkaya request too. Few boxes ticked.

This week you shown more appearances.

I expected next week too :)

*

Your attention got me distracted and made me focus on you and myself in another dimension. 

You redirected my attention to my health and well being. My emotion and feeling and comfort was prioritized. That i am supposed to love myself because only that i am capable to love others. 

All these theories that i have learned are finally finding its reason to practice. I promise that no matter where this new lead leads to, i will keep this well being onwards. 

I know i cant waste any more time on unnecessary and i shouldnt have put my all to others and make others as reason and only reason to my happiness.

23 yrs left for my ultimate years. 

I have given a lot... i have taken back much...

Nothing too much of what i wanted but i end up satisfying to little gratefulness. 

As long as my family are healthy.

As long as they are safe.

As long as my friends are happy.

As long as i have enough money to spend.

As long as i know i can still possibly achieve my dreams be it just a glimpse or a permanent success in coming future.

Ill be happy.

Thanks L

14 Jan 2016

Colleague trip eh...

One from the original epoh mali gp pulled out. So left 4 of us.
Cjx is natural in gp gathering.
It was a happie fun trip.

The destination was to Pulau Ketam near port klang, Northern Selangor. I think.
Well... since i was not the driver all i care was to arrive safely and have fun.

L was the driver and he fetched us all from along tampin to s2 and then off we went to the destination.

Its odd when there was this intention of us wanted to have personal time while we were in a group of 4 and we were always together.

And cjx n wilson kept poking fun around us and wilson was testing water as well on both myself n cjx for L. I was wondering what was his intention.
Either way... it was just awkward when there was this unspoken truth between he n I and neither of us wanna reveal it yet to each other, more so to them.

He done the crab and prawn skin removal while we had our lunch sea food feast. Haha. One box is checked.
Im abit fancy of this shy intimate relationship but i hope his sign n intention can be clearer.
I have enough of previous fake flirt relationship. Thus this time around i only seek serious contender.

After the cycling, eating and fish farm visiting, it was time for us to move back to the land.
Instead of going to the famous bak kut teh we went to I city shah alam instead.

Another one box checked.
Promise fulfilled indirectly.

I city is a place i heard pretty and i have yet to explore. But it was just an over view... wilson need to rush back cuz apparently when i reach my door step it was already 10.30pm. Meaning to say the driver need to reach home only by 11.30pm and tomorrow was a working day.

Im glad i hold my tongue and didnt argue to play around.

The whole day of activity i was pretty messed up. I was emotional and i cant shake the recent incidences away.

***

i cant believe it had to happen to me. Between he and i. And against me.

Although facts and truth are on my side and im clearly still a victim in many ways which he didnt feel applicable at all. But why do i still feel unhappy?

Even if im at the right, im not happie wining.
Because i have to mourn a death of a loving relationship we had. You have taken away everything the moment u spit that u wish to end this friendship.

Since i have granted ur wish, im only being sensible in no longer prioritizing u, keep sending well wishes and kindness to you cuz there will be friends who genuinely valued my love needed them.

You dont deserve it at all.
Cuz what you have hurt me that faithful night of 10th jan and a public insult to me when im still angry with u on12 of jan totally blew me off.

You made me hate you.
Someone who offer love n care to you without wishing anything in return.
Someone who do so much in silence for you in your rubbished filled head actually thought that I am capable to hurt you.

So this whole year of time you dont seems to know me at all.

Before you even spit on me does any of the values we have ever crosses your mind?
The only thing i demand is respect.
Our relationship was cheap. You know? Baseless foundation.
We had nothing.

Perhaps all we had was a fake friendship from which we both draw necessary benefit only;
That i was looking for a companion and you were just getting a good PO to assist you in your job. We did well together.

Deal done well. And deal is broken when we both dont need each other anymore. Thats when you can simply demand for an ending to what we had.

Sorry you are not sorry.
And sorry to your idealogy of me being a liar, rude ego and a betrayer. I dont know where it came from outta me of which i believe i never ever would have done it esp to you up to after 10 of jan.

Im sorry to know you cuz now it hurt me so bad.
Its so painful i rather i have never know you at all.
Never confide in you.
Never entrust in you.
Never believe in for you.
Never have love you.

All i have is tears and best of memories.
We cant go back to where we used to.

I hope you find a way in life to change your way of facing problem and anger. Cuz i will not be there for you listening to your dissatisfaction and care of your well being any more. I cant do it any more.

Learn before you push everyone who has ever love you away forever.

I dont deserve your good any way.
Someone will.
Take good care of yourself.
While i learn to love myself better.

:'(

10th of Jan

Heart broken was an understatement.
I cant believe that i was too just a subject to you.

You were disrespectful, rude and plain ugly with words and attitude.

I didnt find your accusation on me which got you triggered very convincing. That was your subjective view and it was not my fault.
But what your subsequent revenge to call me a liar, rude and a betrayer was stupid.

Your lack of compassion and fucked up words with zero sensibility totally threw me off.
You asked for the end of our friendship. You ask for it twice.
And i shall grant you your desire.

What i did today i hated every single shit of it.
But they were all what you want.
You wish for it.
You ask for it.
No matter how hard and how painful is my heart, i know i should agreed to what you want.

We were best of friends at least i thought. In fact i even fantasies we could be something more than just friends.

The fact that you blast your anger on me without even crossing your mind that our friendship has a value. It totally crushed me. A value you tarnished now is unfixable.

I didnt know what we built over the past one year was so easily screwed up. Its presence was so cheap and what we had along the year was all fucked up fake ideologies of friendship in my head. It wasnt mutual.

U slept one night and realized you barbaric attitude and regretted it and you said your sorry. Underneath this sorry i cant find ultimate sincerity.  Cuz u still think im in the wrong. What i did was a simple ignorance all because i was prioritizing my friend's bday.

So it was a red button issue for u. But that could trigger u to slammed the door shut in front of me denied for my clarification and send me rubbish requesting to end this friendship i valued dearly.

I put alot of effort in building each friendship i care and wish to keep. I swear to almighty what i have done for you were all truth n only extra goods. But that was what i deserve at the 10th jan night.

Do i deserve this?
Apparently yes.
Your sorry was fake.
Your sorry was late.
Your sorry doesnt work anymore.

I cried for a lost.
I want the best for u.
I want to wish you well.

Sorry that my heart is broken and i dont know how to find its way to forgive u at least for now. Your sense on appreciativeness has been worst with every given prioritization.
Ill take back all that so i can focus in my life.

Be careful of what you wish for cuz you just might get.

I hate you
I really hate you for making me hate u.

*

Just when i thought things were getting better...
You fucking ruined it again.

Give me strength.
I dont know how to go through this.
Changes is not something i could easily adapt to.

Im very tired.
Im sorry.

I have loved you.
Now we cant even be friends.

:'(

Lately ive been jamming some Daughtry songs. A few of them really spoke to me when his 1st album was released. Along the releases i found a few specifically special like It's not over, I got over you, Coming Home and Fighting for superman.

And I got over you suddenly become my favourite again. Year 2009 mia song applies to me now.
The lyrics hit me like a hammer...

"When you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others open up, so did my eyes
So i can see, that you were not the best for me
....
Im slowly getting closure
I guess it is really over ..."

I think i really let go :)
Cuz this sucks realization doesnt hurt anymore.

Esp the moment when u keep telling and hinting perhaps indirectly or not purposely about your...
hmmp... nevermind na.

What we had all throughout 2015 was good.
I wish you well. I officially name u bff. Haha...

I say it always. U cant be bff with opposite sex without failing in an attempt to fall in love either way and knowing the impossibility of being a couple.

Ill keep a new open diary. I hope i will write enough
happy memories here before releasing its private tie to it.

It has been months of misery and i feel bad to even visiting my blog.

Be kind.
Be well.

Give me back my health.
Give me strength.
Give me bravery.

I found someone who could, want and able to read me. Im a close book to an extend im often confused if i am who i am or if i am the person who i try to portray.
He is rare and above all, different by a lot from the bunch.

Yesterday u mentioned something i dont think i have ever told you.
A bit spooky but i like how you try to read and analyse me.

Shy. Gosh. I blushed.

I realized i dont often try to be difficult.
I only need the right person to tell.
Dont take it easy.
Dont give up.

Is this what it feels like to be head over heels?

I have a feeling that this is really happening.

But im a bit scare. 

Initially i thought if this is just too fast to move on from a bad wound from the previous unforgiving crush. And we move on from text to dates pretty soon too. Is this because it is a mutual feeling? Or that we both have the same intention? 

I have been chase before both by younger boy n elder man but they both made me feel pure horror and doubtful, excitement aside. Who doesnt feel excited when there is a special attention dedicated to one? But if i have no similar feeling toward that person ill be agitated. 

But in this case this boy make me feel comfortable and i feel giddy with his gentleman ness and his charm.

I like him being awkwardly shy and yet he tried to be brave and is thoughtful.

From the get go i have already heard a lot of good about him. 

But when my focus wasnt on him earlier, i only care about the other unworthy love.

Now that i noted his presence i begin to think back on how we could have started. 

Nway that is not really important too i suppose. Im just glad that i have had the opportunity to get to know him and his beautiful soul.

Im still trying to gauge more details and see how far we can go from here. And thankfully this relationship is finally a mutual one. Erm...

But i cant tell for sure as well. If he happen to be just a flirting partner or whatever... I would be devastated. It would be one of the worst ever feeling following the last sour grapes. Like he said.

I want to trust him.

I really wish to. 

I dont want to rush into a relationship.

But i do not wish to waste more time seeking figuring committing loving but to not avail.

Failing one crush after another is taking its toll on me.

I dont have problem to wait for the right one but if you happen to be not the right one then dont make me believe that you are.

Could you not be another rotten potato?

Be brave pls. 

Be persistence and consistence.

Break my wanting to persevere.

Okie? 

Shy?
Cuz we are not alone?
Cuz i seem busy?

U missed my gaze this morning as though yesterday never happen.
Like it was just a dream.

That make me feel stupid.
U need to find me alone?
I cant be seen close to you in public?

It is weird you know?
Is there is something that i have done wrong?
For someone as low confidence as myself
You know... dont keep me guessing like that.

It was rude that you pretend that you didnt see me when i try to meet your gaze. It feels disrespectful.
Perhaps you are just shy.

I cant tell now.
Maybe.
Im a bit afraid right now.

Haha...
Who am i?

Like jiayie say, take it easy n slow.
Even if that doest work out. Or he gives up just like the previous one does...
i wont be hurt as much.

Oh well.
:(
:(
:(

4th of January :)

1st working day of year 2016.
3rd date with you.
5th year with Pbb.
2nd interview with UOB.

Special dates are meant to be celebrated.

I braved up, collected all the courage i have to ask him out on the fine monday. A belated dinner i said.
I wanted it to be on its actually date but i dont wish to take away his friends gathering. I doubt he would give it to me as well. We do text quite a lot over the phone especially on that very days. So i thought it was only fair that i treat him dinner.

I started the day pretty nervous. As usual he only came to branch after lunch hour and he wore a blue shirt which to me its pretty presentable.
He left around 4 pm and i begin to wonder if he actually forgotten our dinner plan.

Anyway, we eventually made our way to uptown and i introduced him D' bangkok Wok. He can easily make me feel comfortable and conversation was smooth and light. We had our 2nd round of coffee just the way i like it. Slowly he begin to shake off the shyness as well. He was very open with me and he could make me tell almost everything. Hmmp... im supposed to be a close book.

His shy smile is seriously charming. Someone i really wish to explore better.
Thanks to his presence, i feel very much less miserable for the time being. I can definitely see myself giving in bit by bit.

Hmmpp. Pls just be kind 2016.

BFF 2015

The year ends with u my gf.

Thank u for being around for me all the time this whole year long. Your persistence and respect to me earned my affection to you.