Damn damn damn.... what i do to make you here n near...#avril

That song was a real deal and was the hottest when i lost my 2nd main crush.

I remember he love this song very much and he often strum on the guitar and sing.
Those were the happy days. And noting much later that there were at least 3 other pairs of eyes locking onto him. Cuz that kinda personality apparently attracted 4 gals having main crush on him which later he broke 3 including mine.

Since then i have banned the name Edmund. Along side with Justin, Frederick, any Chan and some other names.... hahaha

The above are not what i meant to say at all today. Jeez....

Sigh.

Lately. I macam think throughout a lot of things...
I think i will manage to let go and enjoy this platonic relationship.

I have randomly hinted and sensing some answers although not as much preferred. I dislike it but there is really nothing i can do considering my ultra ego issues. Of which the issues only lies in my head. It has nothing to do with him or others. Ultimately if i never let him in at all he will never got the chance to occupy my head and got me crumbled.

So i only got myself to blame.

We talked about the 1 year that we knew each other of and he is thankful for my presence.
I named my 2015 as a year of revenge to avenge my past 2 years of miseries. And you appear in my life bringing so much of colours and fun into every little things that we did. We created a lot of memories together.

I only wonder if those memories meant anything to you. Cuz i cherish them a lot.
I had a merrier journey and i see my self opening up to chances and offers. Im thankful for your presence though i might never tell you in person. I hope by chance you will read this and realize that you made me a happier person. You made me experienced on how to love and be loved.
A feeling of being in a relationship... and why they name it complicated. But i was never in a relationship. Never was. Its nice to be able to tell how does it feels like now. Close but never is.

Thank you for everything.
I wish you well.

There are things i will often do against my will but my curiosity got the best of me...

So i would do it any way and regret almost immediately every single time. 

But whatever i gain from the curiosity might not favour me or be in favour of me. Thus...

After many disappointment, i finally made up my mind not to do it. Not to view, not to find. Not to ask or not to find out any more. 

So im getting use to not kepochi any thing that has to deal with you. While i was pampered by the fact that ill always be informed thinking that i was the one being caring to be a good listener, i forgot that it could also be an effort from you to allow me see an insight into your well being. But again... i could never tell. I... and i dont know how. 

So you being you... always so fluctuate... 

So fickle minded. Indecisive and so overthink everything but the necessary...

Maybe i cant beat my ego to be more direct caring and be well rounded sacrificial person...

Living up to the age if 27 yrs old i thk i understand a lot of things and i dont need you to judge whether or not i understand what you are going through. 

Sick of this. 

Tired. There is time when i no longer give a fuck on what is going on... i will smirk without noticing. Its like a silence victory.

And perhaps u might catch me talking to myself in other languages too. 

Need some good rest. :3 

Imy

*

Be confident. You have already made the decision 6 months ago.

You have never been so convinced and committed as far as i can see for now. 

I know you wanted it. 

Do it. 

So long you know that you can shoulder this responsibility and you would do anything to make it work, then you proceed against all odds. 

If only you see that in something else too. 

* 

I want this christmas to be special. 

My heart and my soul went to kiwiland already so i am only left with pumpkin dear. PT geng said wanted a reunion aka xmas gathering but nobody made a initiation since the last time we spoke....

i wanna have that cycle continue... the pre christmas deco visitation and shopping!!!

Find a santa and seek for a gift.

A gift i named 

Happiness. 

Give me or you shall die.

hahaha

Sigh

Silly me. 

Safe trip my heart and my soul.

15th Nov. A farewell gathering.

Those from ukm will know how close we are. We are everywhere together. 

Not all course mates can become so close together even after graduation. Im so glad we four made it this far. You both have served me 1 year notice on the successfully bided once in a lifetime opportunity; working holiday in New Zealand. 

Reluctant and jealous, yet i never wish to talk you out of the idea. I always am selfish and i wish to keep wanting you all near me in the most selfish way. But i love you. So there is a quote that says if you love someone set them free. Cuz if they love you they will come back to you eventually. And that eventually is only a year's duration. 

I have been bawling like a big baby these 2 days. 

I guess the 12 months duration is already feel like forever when they finally went into the boarding room. 

17th Nov has already arrived. I promised to send them off and i even took leave in case if they need my assistance. So i travelled to klia2 for the 1st time. I thought it was a big airport. Well i wasnt in the mood to explore so i wasnt very impressed with its size i guess. Well... its awkward to waive goodbye to your closest. Cuz we dont say goodbye to our loved ones. We just dont. 

I look super awful. Dont judge.

I never like to cry in front of people. Cuz i look super messy and ugly when i did cry. So i hate people who do that. 

And it happen on that faithful monday night when you again questioned my best interest in you and for you in my most emotional days. Whenever i feel like im being misjudged, blamed and out casted aka IGNORED, i will have a tendency to cry. Cuz after all the good that i have done, these nonsense come to me? How wrong!

You never seems to be bothered by what your insensitive expression caused by your high sensitivity perception. And i havent been the most open book you can view. I dont know how to be open with you cuz I dont know what we are.

You said i dont tell things... 1st cuz i dont think u bother to listen to and 2ndly i dont feel that you care. A lot of things i only will tell once. If i feel that you dont listen then im done!

i seriously hate guessing and doubting this. What is all this? Its not even important to you! 

The fact that i care and i made a fuss out of it... its all about my naiveness and stupidity! And i cant even believe i stay put with that whole argument on that day.

Anyway, Im glad you sat and talked through the whole shits and didnt walk off like i would expect you to do. Your initiation to seal the argument is a mature decision. There is still a lot of things im not convinced and i wish to clarify but i hold my tongue.

But then again... who am i to ask? 

Who am i to know? 

What's not given is not mine. 

What's not allow i dont own. 

Thus if we are nothing... then we shud just be that of what we are now. Be just what friends will do and expect and behave. 

It hurts me to know and believe that all we can have is just that. But it better hurts me now than to continue believe a fake anticipation that will never come. So close and real. And it made me believe that perhaps i am not good enough. That crushes me badly. 

Im sorry i have fallen for you. Im sorry to have read the sign all wrong and behave like a bitch when i feel like im being misled again and be disappointed again. Im sorry for myself to have and be convinced to push doubts against all the odds to try nurture this relationship. 

Many a times i've tried given up but somehow something nice that you do again reaffirm that perhaps i can wait a bit longer before jumping to a conclusion. Something nice... well. I thought wrong again. 

But i've never been offered an answer and i dont have patience. 

i guessed wrong. 

I promise to be smarter.

I wish you both well love. 

My heart and soul. My closest and dearest.

Pls be home safe n sound in a year's time. 

Open up your heart and eyes for the bigger world out there. Return with wisdom and more love. 

Be well. I love you both. 

You dont know hard was it for me to hold back my tears when i saw u both walk through the gates, 

The ache of my heart when i hug u both last, temporary... :'(

Pls no more farewell... at least not until the year end for good. 

2nd year.

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
#joshgroban #towhereyouare

13 Nov 15. Yesterday i was in terrible mood.
Today i was super stressed but something about today's date made me feel heavy and sombre.

The shitty day kept raining heavily while i was travelling to Mantin. I suddenly recall today date as the 13 Nov. Then i realized why i behave the way i did these two days, pms aside.

Busy all the way up to meet some people and sign a big loan. Saw cows everywhere. Typical scenarios in Mantin. But yea.. today it significantly stands near my car. Haha...

I wish i can stop looking forward to that date. This year i almost forget... thus i guess im improving. I can slowly put that memory on the place it belongs.

I wish i can someday... i wonder if i should.
Today is the 2nd anniversary of my dog's departure from my life. A loveless 2 years i went through without his love. How unforgiving. How insecure. How lifeless. I miss u old baby...

I miss hugging you and im tired of missing you.
:'(

Today was the day i waived you last goodbye.
Some pain i will never ever want to experience again. That ache on and off came back and crushed me but i have another 23 years to live babe.

Shine me your love and warmness from where you are. My blessed 10 years with you.
I love you Choi Choi. Always.

Forgive me. Pls forgive me.

No, we're not promised tomorrow.
So would you love me like u're gonna lose me?

I know when the hotline bling.
That could only mean one thing...

You used to call me on my cell phone...
midnight when you need my love.

#mat jiwang

After many months...
We finally practice songs again. No, not the above songs. Haha.
Dammit. I miss us doing that.
Thanks for reminding me how much i love singing and how good i am doing what i love doing. I have always love u with the guitar Alvin.

I almost gave up yesterday night cuz bad flu and i felt sickly. But then today woke up and things went well slightly.
Little excitement but i promised to go and i did.

The moment i open my voice i knew i can and will and cant wait to perform this saturday.
Hope my best that it will be materialized.

I am often so close to say no or to decline an offer or an audition. Which is why my dreams never come true cuz i dont even allow myself to fall and fail and grow and be better.

By the time i realized this and thought that i finally ready with necessities,  i am already too old for audition and lacking of experience takes me no where.

What i can do now is to seize any chance to perform. I love being on stage that is for sure.
And i truly believe i have good enough talent to be the one in the spot light.

Sigh. Sigh.

You're hot and you're cold
You're yes and you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

What is not given i wont ask
But i will yearn
I will not beg but i will hope
i will seek but i wont steal
i will try but only to my heart's will
i will give only to my head's given sanity
i will learn only for the rights
i will wait only for the truth
i will stop when u fail me more than my ego could accept.

what you dont let me know i wont ask
but you dont expect me to understand
what you keep away from me i wont ask
but you dont expect me to be understanding
when you rejected me from entering your world even if i have tried time to time against my ego
you dont expect me to share mine wholeheartedly too.

there is no equality and there is no fairness too
i respect your secrecy
But i dislike it a lot cuz you denied genuine transparency that i seek for in a relationship between friends.
However like i have said, i respect that.
But dont expect mutual understanding flow and willingness to sacrifice,  a giving relationship from me.

I have been betrayed before.
Thus im extremely choosy in people who i let into my life.
Dont make me feel sorry for my choice.

Therefore, i will let go when the time is right.
It has passed anyway.
Ive failed my own promise. So how do i expect people to keep theirs.


Gah... whatever. Im throwing in the towel.

It tooks a lot of effort to keep my hair long for the past 10 years. 

Ever since i was young i love going to the saloon. I like it when they cut my hair. I dont know what kind of interest is this. The longer the stylist cut my hair the better. I found my entire focus diverted to the hair cutting procedure. I feel at ease. Somehow they cut away my stress. My stylist she often use more than 30 min on my hair. I often catch her free and she would provide appointment for me. 10 yrs with her :)

And in that 30 min i found myself transforming all the time. And every time i want to leave my hair long, i am lured to cut again. There is always something that crop up and make me stress all over and the only painless cut i can have on myself is on my keratins. 

Why dont i make this decision when i was in ukm?

Everytime i have something in my head that i can no longer bear ill just go cut it. 

The more i cut the prettier i got. Dammit. 

Haha

Whats the point anyway?

Now im a bit sick and left not accommodated and pampered both yesterday and today. 

Im more a man than a man who i wish i would met. 

I dont know how i caught some cold today. But im not feeling so comfortable.

I wish to talk to somebody. But lazy communicating both ways. Only this never-talk-back-blog can hear me out and let me channel my inner feeling non shamefully. Sigh.

We are becoming bff eh? How odd. 

Im so tired. 

Guess ill stop here... :(

Delighted with your offer. Movie n dinner. 

Ourtime is a comedy/love/drama and i like it much. I thk i would have laugh out louder if i understand chinese better. Thanks for introducing.

The movie made me laughed so badly cuz it reminisced a lot of school time on how girls behave and they dwell in girl's thoughts which are quite true also. At the same time it leads us to a innocence love storey... one that is denied its chance to be blossomed. Thanks to human nature... we dont try enough, we arent brave enough, we dont want enough... only to let chances go. 

It is a bit aching to have a movie reflecting my situation before my eyes with my uncertainty. Or his. 

Never brave enough cuz fearing of losing a friendship. The ultimate reason all my life. 

It is okay... its ok. 

I was getting tired with my hair style so i thought i should have cut it. But you know why i always wanted to cut my hair...

And i like how boyish i look with a bang.

:)

Short hair craze. 

Why make me believe and fall and then take back everything....

selfish and despicable.

I heard this quote that says... identify a growing man and a wrong man. What is my position to determine that? 

I have low tolerance of pain... so i avoid. I try to ignore and forget. So now i try to jump queue and wish to let go. Problem is u cant skip the growing process. Now im stuck. Save me pls.

Im learning to understand the sign all over again. Apparently horoscope judgement have sense and it aint no fake random details k.

It was my eyes being blinded, heart fluttered some wrong beats and the mind wander too far from home. 

Innocence. Or stupid. Or both. 

I remember yonlek and i wished for someone we love that could make our heart skips a beat. 

But i read that we should always find someone who makes us comfortable being around with instead of someone who always makes us stand on our toe.

im gonna sulk a long time. Another 3 years?

Suddenly the song Unwell makes some sense lyrically to me. One of my favourite song of all time. 

"Im not crazy, im just a lil unwell 

i know right now you cant tell

but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

a different side of me

im not crazy im just a lil impaired 

i know right now you dont care

but soon enough you're gonna think of me

and how i used to be."

Will i want to stay?

'There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?'

Coming from the same place.

I always wanted some spiritual freedom. 

"It is okay... 

you will never understand. 

You dont understand. 

Sigh. 

I dont want talk to you now.

i dont want to say the wrong thing. 

I dont know how to talk to you any more. 

What you want me to do? 

What can i do?

What do you want now?

I cant answer you that. 

I really dont know what do you want."

Would i ever want? There is no if and no rewind button even if i wish to. 

Tq for all the beautiful memories. 

Year end coming. Close to a year now. 

So fast the time pass me by...

if felt like just yesterday. 

Many things have change over the period. 

I need a new start and a new aim. 

Help me. I need a pay raise and some good luck charm. 

More beach vacation yea! 

With committed human. 

Jcdagreat has to be back!

#epohmali super odd foursome awesome

I didnt noe heaven exist in epoh. 

Im just saying. Not that i believe in heaven. But i presume if it ever exists, it should be as beautiful at this minimum level. I have the same feeling when i was at bali. A place between heaven and earth. Y? Cuz i always believe there is surely a place more beautiful than the one that just got u in awed. Thus most definitely that place i cant call heaven yet. Perhaps it was the people that ive been with has yet to make me feel heavenly. I dont know. But this was close. What epoh never cease to amaze me is that it is surrounded by mountains. Greenery all the way in and out of the state. 

This temple in the cave is a must visit. In comparison to all the too much colour too much prayers going on too many statues... this one is full of peace and serenity. I thought temple is suppose to make your heart at ease and mind awakes. 

Plan b. I was like what so special about a restaurant which there is another branch at kl? Kl restaurant lor... i walked past it the 1st time i was there. Little that i know that there is a hidden tour inside. Smart la the boss. If i have another nite to chill at epoh i'll definitely hang out there... i saw a live band equipment there... hehe...

2 from sales team. 2 from processing team.

We may clashed at branch a lot... but nevertheless we clicked quite well during the trip. 

My intention for this whole trip was initially to celebrate holloween at the castle. Dream come true partially. The castle has a history of death n pain which is sad and eerie. But they walked in anyway. I didnt want to go in cuz i dont want to bet on meeting one of the spirit. Free thinkers may have no belief but doesnt mean that free spirits dont exist. I respect people believe in their beliefs but i wish to relay on humanity even though it has its flaws and is depreciating in value. Seriously i truly wish i can love something wholeheartedly like them loving their almighty. Cuz wen thing goes wrong they can hold on to this spiritual power to get them trough.  Many a time... i just have myself. 

A blur shot....  but i love it anyway. 

I have a believe that one will have the brightest smile in the photo when one is being photograph by her loved one. 

This group is a fine one with a lot of get to know each other and new fun found in epoh. 

Im not done there. Many more places to be explored. 

Thank you for giving me a wonderful 3 days fun and take my mind of some messy shitty stuff. 

I was pampered because i happen to be younger and a girl. It has been long since i last felt that way. 

By the way... i hate waking up in the day super early just for hotel breakfast cuz i seriously dont mind not eating in the morning and im okay with wasting the free buffet. Im not okay with the hotel bathroom cuz i dont pay the freakin rm168 just for bed.

I dislike picking up random calls and loud ringing tone is a red button. So dun fucking intercom the hotel phones... i really really hate ringing tones especially its meant as a morning wake up call. Do u have any idea how long have i put my cell phone on silent. I depends on vibration only... i dont wish to hate the song i put as ringtone. 

However i like it when you can tell that i am clumsy especially when i need to go up the stairs. Weak cardio, lacking of oxygen thanks to my nose... ill get wobbly feet. When you reach out for me... im thankful. 

Wont be able to discreetly tell how much i have eaten n stuff. Good stuff always best to keep to myself until u ask for it. Muahahaha.... 

Nights. 

* 

It could have been perfect until you say no. 

But we will never noe. 

I'm lucky to be alive now after the afternoon water rafting incident.

Shall I died, which i cant and i didnt... I seriously dont know how bad 

things will be. 

I cant describe how close i was to drown and die at the pretty age at 27 years old and with hideous attire. 

Those who knew me know that i cant swim. The closer ones will know the reason was due to my phobia of water after an unfortunate drowning incident when i was a kid. 

I vowed never to die under suffocation and drowning cuz inability to breath sucks. If you ever allergy on air (air particles) you will understand. 

Today agenda was a twisted faith of event which leads to this wonderful journey of water rafting. The journey down the stream and back up the hill via a truck was super adventurous and exciting. 

But that 1 min drama in the middle of the journey will haunt me forever.  I was thrown into the river twice and the last one was an intended accident or could be real accident, the boat overturned and collapsed on us. Having no experience in this playground and being the terribly unfortunate one, i was trapped inside the boat and i cant resurface. Fear, suffocation and panic hit me badly. Waters immediately rushed into any possible air pores that i have and i swallowed too much of water. 

The instinct was obvious. To stay alive. To get out and resurface. I kept chanting i cant die. Must get out. I pushed so hard and away from the boat. Everything happen so fast and i was finally resurfaced. Nearby boat managed to grab me and pull me up onto their boat. I remember i manage to muttered something from my barely enough oxygen state... please pull me up...By the time my concious hit me, i found myself breathing so hard and the other team mates were all fine. All were saved by the other boat and pulled to safety.

Shamed, angry and grateful at the same. 

I can only imagine if i was to stuck in the boat not being able to resurface...

if there was no other boat round or if the stream was even rougher than today's...

if my equipments did not function and if i knock something hard and is unconscious...

if only i died today...

:'(

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to face my phobias and possibly die going through one of them.

You have no idea how fearful i was at the moment. 

I saved myself. 

At the moment of death, you realized that you actually wish to be alive. 

And im alive! 

*

And i supposed it didnt matter to you. 

Cuz i dont see your fear of losing me.