30th July 16. A promise fulfilled.

It was a miserable Friday as i wish to eat out but i dont have the heart to ask le boy to be my company. Ala lonesome Tgif.

Normally when he has the time he would ask me out earlier. If he dont, that means he got something to do. I dont understand it initially. But i somehow get it when i ask and he answer with no hard feeling. 

Some fridays or other random weekday i would ask him out but it seems alot of complication in arrangement. 

Cuz it got me questioning whom we are tying to escape and hiding from?

So, i went to jusco to eat my carving ramen and take a final look towards my needs for next saturday; company annual dinner. Le boy call in and talked and asked if i wish to go for an outing. On saturday :)

How unexpected. It was a late invitation. 

But i would always say yes.

There is always a priority for him.

I wonder if he knew he was having my priority card.

The morning itself, he asked where i wish to go but ofcuz i wouldnt tell him. I knew he would bring me wherever i ask for, for now. The fact that i knew he would do so makes me unsure if he would be comfortable with whatever decision on the destination that i will choose. I chose IOI despite it being not my favourite choice that day. The date only start at 3.40pm when he finally arrived from his place. 

So near yet so far. 45 min away is tiresome. As he already need to travel everyday for work.

And i used to think that i would like to get a penang boy. Gosh... i dont think 45 min is near let alone 6 hours non stop drive to penang. 

He told me he would bring me to somewhere he and i have never been. It was only when i arrived that i know the place. We were playing guessing game all along. Nu sentral. Place where he fulfilled his promise and got my to do list 2016 check box ticked.

A place where Godiva dark chocolate exists.

Yea. That was his hand. Eh, nails are nicely trimmed. :) it was a long drive from my place. 2 hours journey due to jam n waze led routes. 

We had very breezy chat over a comfortable weather. Im happy he got to be my best friend first before anything else. U got to be you when you are with your bff. Very comfortable. 

He dislike taking photos.

Not sure if he feels the same.

He has yet to ask me to be his.... hmmp. 

Or will he ever?

It seems like im having a probationary period on which i have to pass some certain tests before he made up his mind. Hmmp. Did i pass the tests?

He had fulfilled his promise of bringing me to Godiva. Something i have been pestering on and on.

It was super expensive for a cone but it was very heavenly delicious. I love it. 

After savaging the last bit of the whole cone, we walked for a bit and i got myself a new bag for annual dinner. It was our choices. 

You made good choices. Haha... *smirk*

Our dinner was just okay. 

The movie Skiptrace was a lot of fun. 

Got us laughing out loud. Maybe me louder. Haha...

Typical jackie chan holywood movie. 

It was around 11pm and we quickly made a move.

The way back was easier and simpler. We stopped by at sg besi toll for a mcd break. Haha. I knew he wasnt full cuz his dinner portion was too small. And i dont think he like it at all. 

I remember fb posted some stories about relationship and that it isnt fair. Fb gave a naration example. 

A gal demanded a cold drink but was offered a hot water. Boy A tried his hardest to blow to make the drink colder in time. And then while he tried so hard, Boy B came along and offered some ice cubes. 

The gal chooses Boy B. 

When i first read this story, i dont understand it. 

But at the end i got it. 

For me, it is all about mutual liking and wanting. 

If i was the gal, i would have ask the waiter to get the order correct. If i do not wish for the hussle, ill drink the water only when it gets chill. 

And the boy that can sit opposite me is definitely someone i choose to be with. If he has been trying hard for me with me, why would i be interested in another boy getting the ice cubes when i could get them myself if i want. Hahahaha

And im not suppose to take ice thanks to my weirdest nose allergy ever.

That is just the sensible me.

I guess you never know. 

*

Dun let me keep guessing okay? 

Insecurities sucks.

Im thankful for every little things you have done.

Not sure if i did say enough but i really am.

You might have told me through actions. But do tell me anyway.

Lalalala.... :) 

Anticipating days to come.

But you have yet to ask for your priority on 3rd of August. Hmmp. 

We shall see. 

*

When we see something we like, we light up. That smile is simply a genuine upward curls of lips.

Not something you can easily fake. 

We dont always notice how we light up toward thing we like. But we do see it on other people.

I smile my brightest when i saw godiva booth.

And i saw u smile that smile when u saw me. 

Specifically the one you offer when i came out from the toilet looking for you while u already waiting for me at the walk way. 

That bright smile on your face is the real charm.

To me that is the most sincere gratitude one could give another. 

:)

Smile a lil smile for me :)

It is hard to dislike someone who you once like.
No matter how much he/she might have hurt you.
What changes is the way we see them.
And that we move on.

I was once told that timing is important.
It is nothing if both lovers fall in love at the wrong time.

I could have love him alot and he could have wanted me equally but we just arent compatible at the moments due to different needs and desires.

I wanted a soulmate. He wanted a lover.
Little things he did reminded me the reasons why i have fallen for him in the 1st place.
But it is different now.
He is still the same boyish spot on boy that i know of but i no longer linger for him.

Thats when i know someone else is occupying this broken lil heart.

Its quite a drama if you must say. If you ever ask me then if i would like to be chased by younger boys under the same roof at around the same time today... i would have called u crazy.

What is this luck with the younger boys?
What have i done to deserve the attention?
I seriously have no idea.

Perhaps of how i becoming me? Getting comfortable at being myself kinda elevates me and perhaps that is attractive to new generation?

Lol

What i knew then was that i have liken some boys of my peers when i was their age but not having the same love returns. There were also time where some boys of my age liken me but i never know how to show equal liking to them. All throughout the uni time, i think i got myself 4 cupids kot. And one of them recently have their home loan application arrived to my hand with another girl (current gf)... how disturbing.

Hmmp.

While i found myself genuinely being occupied everynight with phone calls of which has been consistent for the past i think 3 weeks, i still lack the feeling of being completely secured.
I wonder why am i rushing and to where...
I guess it has to do with phobia of guessing and waiting.

Women are stupid. Women will forever be stupid for the men they love.
No matter how outsmart woman over her man, she will still choose to be somewhat level to him at max just because she loves him.

And how stupid a woman to her man is depend mainly on how much she loves her man.
And on love she build trust.
On trust most man build betrayal.

Hmmp.
Sad.
I have my whole live surrounded by bad role models of men and women.
Trust is a huge deal. Betrayal no matter how insignificant it is a betrayal.

I built my life trying to be open with all sort of ideas and matters. Trying to accept all kinds so that i could take in changes and new things. Thus i only wish that those who genuinely appreciates me do not lie to me. Tell me. Tell me ahead. So that i know and that i would feel my importance.

I always feel that the only man who can satisfy me by feeding my soul is only me. I dont have to ask myself to treat me right. I just know how. But that is imposible to want this on others. It is not their job to satisfy me. It is not their duty even as legal partner.
That is another complicated issue to begin with.

Seriously, now i finally understand why those time they put complicated as their relationship status.

Adoi. It took me 28 yrs to understand it. Haha...
What the hell...

Aish.

Every year i wish i could tone down and not make a fuss on wantings on my bday. But i guess i fail every year and this year is no exception. Im eagerly waiting for my bday to come. Those time when i would be surrounded by friends, my bday would be celebrated masively with big group gathering and lotsa happening things specifically from form 6 onwards.

But lately, friends are disperse far away. The best ones are always the furthest.
I will still anticipate because i believe how much you are loved is by how it is celebrated on special occassion. That is why i often look forward to special days like xmas and new year and bday.

I wish to see if i meant anything to people i care about. Not that it should be any kind of fwenship measurement devise but it somehow reflects me as a person and how much love i deserve from others.

Maybe i am wrong but there is no harm being happy waiting for bday to come. At least im happy being alive and is looking forward to age another year elder.
If this year expectation do not come true, ill make sure that day is a worthy remembering as well cuz nobody is gonna spoil my day ever again.
And i chose to work again on my bday this year.
Hmmp. My initial planing didnt work. I never thought of taking the house this urgent spending all my saving on it and my bonus come so late. Late august.

I guess holiday can be postponed anyhow....

Still anticipating.
If he fails me this bday. He wont get another year trying.

I like you calling me everynight.
And im happy i can be the reason helping you sleep well at night.

You became my every goodnight and my happy pills everyday. For that im grateful :)

A random expressive sunday....

I think many of us didnt take serious attention towards this talented guy enough.

The album gave a great pack of decent pop music. 

Shadow is definitely my favourite. 

Gayao Sam Tsui.

I'll be watching you in years to come.

I didnt like you for your face or other matters. Your vocal n determination are the main qualities i cheers on. :)

***

Random quotes i found meaningful. Things i wish to say or i would say but no longer tell.

I remember solidly then,

Times when i would wait...

Wait for texts,

For calls.

For ascertains.

For affections.

For attentions.

For him. Crushes. Repetitively.

You may find it funny on why i dont make the 1st move. He once ask me why i dont ask when i feel like questioning. (He was there when i was mending my broken heart)

I asked him back. Should I ask? Am i suppose to ask? Call me a freak living in the 20th century. Talking about fair n equal rights on gender bla bla bla. Sue me! 1st is was ego. 2nd still ego. 3rd if i were to take that role, i wouldnt be able to entrust and put faith on this man cuz not having the courage to even ask for a lady's hand totally turn me off. So yea... it says ego right?

I often wonder why is it so hard?

I dont understand.

Not that i fully get it now. 

But I do know why it has never worked out previously.

I always believe that since i have been reserving for so long, i wouldnt settle for anything less than perfect.

Perfection sounds inpossible.

However my defination of perfect has always been about individuality.

He just has to fit the mold.

Compatibility. Compromise. 

Like puzzle.

Hmmp. Puzzle. That is overrated as well.

Its all about giving n receiving.

Give & Take :)

Let me get this straight. Haha...

I know i might sound fickle minded.

Trust me i always know what i want.

Because i always fall for one ultimate criteria in a man.

Kindness.

A good man.

Thus far he is the only one who exude this personality (base on my observation) and louded mine of which i thought it was long gone. 

Brave enough to break the ice and patient enough to study and test.

Someone dare enough to try to change me. At least my old bad habit.

Consistency is there :)

The rest lies on your where when and how.

Im setting you another time frame.

If you wish to give up on me, that will be the perfect date and time.

If you wish to proceed, do make that day count and as wonderful as possible.

You have less than 3 weeks.

I have an expectation.

But im very afraid that you will be failing me.

I dont know how this will unfold.

But i have faith :)

Not sure on you or myself.

Continue to swoon me pls.

Dont make me say no to you. 

Well. Does that sounds flirty?

Apparently i can be turned off just by few main red button issues despite my high acceptance towards weakness and tolerance towards undesirable traits.

The moment i 1st said yes to your invitation you should know that i dont hate you.

The next yes and continuing yes was because i have interest in you and i would like to know you and what you could offer.

When i slowly accepting your call, it means i am very comfortable with you.

But there was once i didnt and it was on purpose because you got me falling back to last year misery. There is one period of time where you got me feeling abandoned and gave up on and you had no idea on it.

If you were ever clear sighted and could read me as per claimed, you should know that everything changed when you finally stepped up a gear on that wonderful saturday... it should be our 1st long drive journey to sekinchan trip which didnt materialised due to time contraint... oh well, your time management.... T.T

But your effort counts. Your thought counts.

Your assurance level down my ego and i found a balance position on where i can express myself equivalently.

Gosh. I hope you will never read me.

Ill be blushing like hell.

Dont even tell me that you have read me.

***

Last year bday was a sweet, bittersweet day... mostly bitter.

I wont let it happen again. It is a day i celebrate my appreciation of my life.

I want a little fireworks.

If you remember :)

I told you when we had that 4 hours dinner after your badminton game, some months ago.

I bet you have forgotten.

This is what you get when you make writer fall in love. We write love stories. 

It started as a potential crush, your defination on mutual likeness on crush. 

Once upon a time.... :)

12th of July 16

Today is Sam Tsui and Kurt's mini concert in Malaysia.
I've somehow force him to go with me and he agreed.
Not sure how wilingly but im glad he said yes after delaying an answer despite being given 1 month's notice.

Im excited and have been looking forward for today since end of May. Well, the day i bought the tickets lar...

Hokey.
Yesterday was a mean day. 11/7/16
Everyone was bluey and totally stressed out.
He was. She was. I was. Everyone was.
I was suppose to have the deadliest aftermath disaster. Leo always does.
But i sensed that he needed a break more than i do.

I was surprised that i could pulled that off. I remained calm and sensible when i should be throwing tantrums. For you kay?
Just like when you were there for me.
Sometimes im not sure if i like to face that situation from anyone but im glad i understand you better now.

So, i expected you to be at your vibrant mood today.
We made a move only about 1pm. (Tbc)

13th July 2016

...continue.

I was onleave and you took time off to bring me up while meet a customer in KL. 

It was a breezy journey up. We got to go SetiaWalk and road travel around Puchong after you met your customer. An area i havent got the chance to see or  be aware of. 

We ate late lunch at 4pm and made a move around 5.30 pm to Avenue K. I have great fanciness over our nation pride KLCC twin tower. I am always in awe with its glorious building and i was effing near to it yesterday. You will never get tired of viewing it as it was a 360 degree differences sides to it. Since im not local, i only got to witness one at a time.

Everything was perfect until someone unrelatively matter came in questioning and accusing certain matters towards my companion which supposedly has nothing related to her. 

I was in my happy mode and was in awe with the whole mini concert set up facing part of the beautiful KLCC and the night was kind. I was so eager to wait for the concert and watching Sam n Kurt live was surreal. But i was more concern towards my companion. Half way down the show he appeared distanced and distracted. I was wondering if he was tired standing for hours or uninterested or something else lingered in his head. 

I didnt guess wrong.

The concert was brilliant. 

I would skip the both local n oversea opening acts as both were dissapointing. Both opening act failed to understand what song should be perform live and what song should better off view online. Im a vocalist myself, thus i can only judge on that point of view. 

Sam n Kurt kept us engaged with their charms and energy. It was so hard to catch any flaw in Sam's performance. His vocal was steady and gave a superior adrenaline pumping performances. All through his 2 hour shows, despite sweat drenched body he gave 100% power and what a wonderful vocalist he is! He needed a big break and i wish his day of making it huge with Kurt will be soon. 

Thank you for a wonderful night!

• 
  

I got moody myself when i saw him being distanced. Its like Dejavu. One of the reason i like him is because he never make me feel alone when im with him. Half way down the show, i suddenly got that bad feeling and all i wanted was to be alone, totally absorbed by the music and the view. 

I really hate that feeling!

I dont wanna go back to last year where i kept tolerating this connection thinking it was okay. 

It was not okay!

Sticking to the plan, we walked n drove in silence for almost 30 min after the concert ended at 11pm.

I broke the silence. 

And true to my guessing. It was because of that person again. 

I think for the past 2 weeks of consistency, i got to know more of you and us.

From a person who dont reveal much, im glad we both find our comfort in each other. 

Even if this leads us nowhere, im assured that you are a wonderful friend. Only that im not sure if i can keep me from falling for you. 

The night might not end well at the concert but we sure did talked them out with your sorry, my concern, your assurance and my thank you. 

For that i like you even more. 

But the last thing i want is to stress you out and that my progression of relationship with you will not cause another 3rd party to be jealous and therefore cause even more inconveniences to you.

Im not sure if you know how to handle this thing as mature as possible as to me it seems complicated. 

What we have for me is pure and innocence. 

It has nothing to do with anyone or anything and if i need to always be aware of getting noticed and appologise for experiencing my 1st mutual courtship, i think i have rights to be angry as well. 

I am keeping a low profile as we have mutual friends and colleagues and rumours are best off in work place. For your best interest. Thus understanding these concerns, i play it low. To be honest i never like to love like i was being hunted. All hide and seek as though expressing love is a crime. 

Leo does not buy this kinda of hesitation. 

We love big or dont love at all.

I only wish we can go on smoothly without much people keeping their nose on our business.

But if this appear messy to you perhaps we need to recalculate our route. 

It was an almost perfect outing.

So close.

But almost is never enough.

Still, i appreciate and im grateful that you kept me occupied. I wish we could have more of such time.

:) 

RIP Take senior

Devastated.
Take Titanium. A name he 1st used as FB recognition.
I was a young junior in newtune club.
Seniors are our direct idols and there was this tall handsome dancer kinda stole the limelight.
I cant recall if my 1st year was his final year or he was just coming back to assist the dance group.
This is new tune spirit. We always come back to the team to support in one way or another.
I can still recalled bumping to him even after i have graduated.

He is my bio senior best fwens too. They were NT dancers.
We were never close. But nobody has ever said anything bad about him. We are from small close music club. So we knew who is sucker and who is not.

Never in my mind i ever imagine anyone i know appear in newspaper for such news. This is awful. I only wish the best and my condelences to his family. Nobody should ever endure such feeling of losing a family member in such a cruel way.

I dont believe the story entangled in his murder.
Even if it was true, no one should ever determine his faith and decide on his death. He is only 31 yrs old. So full of life. So full of love from family members and blessed with good job and best friends. Why such good life got cut short so soon?
What has he done to deserve this?
He is the only son among siblings to his family.
He has parents and siblings.
He is a human.
Killing is an act of animal!

Im so so sorry.
This is hard.
All of us from Newtune feeling sad n heartbroken.
Rest in peace. Who are we kidding right?
How would he rest in peace?
:(

I want your murderers to die 100× worst than they can possibly imagined. Served them well. They shall be sorry to not think of their consequence before ripping someone off their loved ones.

Humality dipped so fucking low. I dont know how to trust moral and be real anymore.

1st Of July 16

A little wild do no harm.

Intimacy is not granted without a functioning relationship.

Do continue to prove to me.

However 2nd day of the month July has arrived.

You still dont have an answer for me.

Yet i still choose not to force you to give me the answer.

I would want to see how this unfolds.

12th of July.

I had a great friday. A granted tgif. My secretive plans failed miserably. Cuz he just cant keep questioning. Still i like messing around :)

The legand of tarzan might not be the best movie ever but i love how connected Jane and Tarzan is.
That might be the darkest tarzan yet. But i like how similar the feature of both the ever famous animation and the real movie this time. The jawline, the body, the butt chin and the sweetness between tarzan n jane when they 1st encounter.

He didnt like it though. 6.5/10
Haha... Well i gotta appreciate the pretty cinematrography. I really pity the gorrila when the zoo keeper killed him to protect the child.
But after this movie, i can totally see how wild a real gorilla can be. A how the child could end up with. Real scary.

I hate how some kissing scenes were cut off. I was like... how intense they can go la? My goodness. When they cut it from Me b4 U, i got fed up.
Now this? Seriously???
Not that i wish to watch that when he is around cuz that would be super awkward... Erm.

Well well.