Ive taken the bait and now im hooked for all wrong reason.
Sometimes some view are best enjoy from a distance.
You dont always have to be part of it.
Cuz u might either ruin its beauty.
Or you may end up hating it once it strays too far from your expectation.
Fickle hearts.
Red buttons.
Complicating distracting misleading and irritating
issue and human.
Fuck you!
I'm hurt. Seriously. It felt like a slap on my face.
The moment you start shooting me with your inconsiderable words i knew there is no way you will try to understand where i was coming from.
I did what i do best. Shut up and apologies. Cuz in matter of factly, it was my message that prompt you scolding me. So im sorry for triggering you to slap me in the face literary.
I understand the fact that you may never understand why is replying any simple message is important. In any way it is rude to the ignored. If you dont do that to your customer why you do that to a friend?
Stupid me 1st to think that maybe we are more than friends. So i end up caring you more and wanting to know your well being especially when you told me the down turn of your emotion.
Stupid me 2 to even bother telling you again and again about me having issue with people who dont reply. Again because i thought we were friends and friends have certain standard of preferences in whatever things concern. Obviously i thought wrong again. You have no idea what does it feels like to talk to a wall. My way of telling you this morning has angst but i tried my very best in any way not to make it a fuss but it exploded your moodiness.
Bcuz no emoticon? Because no lol or haha or any indication to hide that i was bothered but not willing to show so that we could avoid the drama we have? For the 2nd time over text messages!!!??? Apparently also due to my reply and my choices of word that bothers you.
So stupid me 3 of not being able to tell your impossible mood swing at any time. Cuz the same phrase of word has different meaning when you are in different mood. The last time i asked you to sleep back when u were chatting me up, u were mad at me for 3 days and you did not tell me about it until i confronted you. But many other time i asked you to sleep back, u would send me smiley faces or and ok. If ignorance doesnt mean anything why would u thought i was mad at you when i didnt reply ur message soon enough at times?
Stupid me 4 of failing to understand that your insensitivity towards my sensitivity is actually my fault. And perhaps vise versa. Apparently if someone wish to know you and care of you, you only need to tell once or they just manage to observe. And if you arent important, no matter how many times you highlight an issue it still wont be a matter to them. 1stly it isnt their problem. 2ndly they dont think it is a problem. 3rdly they hav more bigger problems than this. Yes! Thus, Its really not a problem! Its really not.
Cuz stupid me 5. I thought i was prioritized. So i was the problem. I happen to spoil one person mood whole day just because i wanted a reply. U feel bad when someone ignored you in person but you dont think people will feel ignored if you happen to intentionally not reply one in text? Cuz the blue ticks supposed to indicate that my messages were seen. I was supposed not to expect a reply after that. I was supposed not to wonder if you will get me or busy or still moody cuz it was seriously not an issue and i shouldnt care about it at all.
I thought it was a nice gesture to seal a conversation. I thought wrong. I cant apply the same rules or thinking to all people. I understand my difficulty. I just learned that seeking a reply implying a nice gesture or appreciation is a ridiculous wanting. Problem seeker.
Im not perfect in anyway as a human. But i set priority. The moment i thk i was second choiced or unappreciated, i feel devastated. You continue to make me question myself. Am i being too needy? Was i asking a lot? I thought im being a very decent person to everyone in many many ways. Matter of factly i still failed!
Maybe i expected much from you. Asking too much from you. Wanting too much from you. Something you dont buy as important that i must exaggerate it as a fucking issue and spoilt your day.
My bad. Thus, my sincere apology to you.
There will be no next time. I never make a same mistake twice except for liking the wrong person.
We will remain as best working partner.
And i should expect nothing more than that.
Work is work! No more personal feeling.
Your outspoken and straight forward respond is actually a good sign. A wake up call so i dont need to day dream and be confused with our somewhat platonic relationship. We should just stay professional so that i know how to respect your personal time and your rights and your rules.
And to expect your gentlemanly towards me.
I dont like to be scold if im not wrong. I specifically dislike when all i wanted was the best to everyone and all i get was a piece of shit, scolded and tears.
I will no longer seek your understanding about my perception and it should not bother me at all.
It is always me and my head and my sensitivity that cause drama.
I will not even explain or clarify anything any longer. If you get me you will. If you dont, you may think whatever you want. I no longer interested to express myself any more. Unworthy. I dont worth your understanding. I dont worth it. And for your needs, i have advised enough.
Im so tired. A simple demand of reply and a scold and a post of stupid lengthy essay. I thk i have always been uncertain on a lot of confusion between us that i dont wish to confront. Every time ill be the one who need to find a reason to walk out of a crush. I guess i just found it kot. Less fuss when u expect less or none. Ill miss you and us. Lets just be normal. Okay? I appreciate all the nice things u have done for me. I dont know what we are but was taken as a pair by outsiders. The uncertainty makes me stay loyal for no reason.
Deep down i know the answer but i didnt wish to confront. Uncertainty continues to harm my ego and shamed me.
Deep down i was hurt not because you didnt reply me. It was your respond to me thinking that i attacked you, stressed you up that made me feel really bad.
Perhaps u want to make me feel what i accidentally made u feel. So u revenged. This is really cruel. Do i deserve this kinda revenge?
A woman is much valued if she is loved. Certainly this is not the case.
Its like only depressed ppl surrounds me.
Good article i read. I have tried my level best to really understand from your point of view. But i have again stressed on my limits. Which again is simple but unnecessary and irritating. For this my last apology. I hope you find your way out from the maze of your depression.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/09/27/5-things-to-remember-when-someone-you-love-is-depressed/
It takes me back to the relationship my bro n i had. Im only important when im needed. No sense of respect to my messages. If im lucky i will get an ok text. Whatever i say is nonsense. Especially when he decided not to talk to my mom. The moment he leave the burden and walked out of her life i lost him forever. Cuz i can never love him any more. So i decided to give up on him. I cannot take this torture. The conversation we had was either things that he need, things my mom want me to remind him and things i need to tell.
I dont know how to love him any more.
I just dont know how. I cant forgive him.
All i can do is wish him all the luck in the world. Him being happie in his future. And forget the past. And live well by himself. Ill take care of his burden while he need to find his own loving outside. When the burden no longer here, he wont be seeing my face ever again too.
Thanks.
