Dearest Jiayie, im so glad you are home early. I got a chance to see u and update a lil bit of you before seeing you on the big day. I was so so happie to meet you and with the presence of the k boy we managed to snap some good photo. But still our wefie are the best. 

You are the best of all and the closest to me spiritually mind and soul. 

You understand me without me having to say a damn word. You always listen and never judge. You teach n guide me without needing to lecture and you are the best, ni zhi dao ma? Haha

Baby love, you are marrying your 1st love and im so very happie for you. I know how much you believe in god and faith and your big heart never fail his words and you live your life the way the best i see u capable of. 

I love u always and i cant wait to spend my time entirely cater to your big day. It would be the greatest celebration ever and ill cherish every moment of that with u and the whole team.

I wish you well and eternal happiness. 

Wishes do come true. 

Bff forever. Love. 

Baby Don't Lie

The red button. If i give you more than one chance, to not to repeat what caused me discomfort then you are considered a very welcome person in my life. But if you need more than one reminder than im sorry you are outta my life for good.

When i beg your pardon, when you obviously say something out loud, im not not asking you to repeat your sentence. Im asking you to rephrase your words and think nicely if you have said something wrong. When i ask you similar or exact question twice, i am not forgetful. I have a very good memory. Im asking again cuz i have doubts or cuz i know you are obviously lying. 

My definition of lie does not just mean the out right untrue statement. It also means the misleading facts and the white lies and the not entirely false but not entire genuine display of facts. It also include unfulfilled promises or meaningless suggestion which is misleading. 

There is a quite clear definition of not telling the truth and not telling the entire truth. 

Reluctantly i am shaped the way i am with very low capacity of telling lies. If i do, you will be able to expose it for sure. Although i think i have horned my skill through my experience in my job (hahaha... you cant be too transparent in banking but if you happen to be my customer, you can assured 100% genuine offer). Still i cant tell lie. Which makes me hate liar. 

If u wish to lie, make sure the true dont come to me as long as i am alive. 

If you are not comfortable with me you could just say so. Don't create story. If you avoid answering my question, i will back off cuz i know my limit. But at the same time i also know where i stand. 

Most of the time stories come to me. 1st i dont ask if i dont care. 2nd i dont wanna know anything that doesnt bother me. 

Im a serious person. I thk i have told everyone i know who is alive that i am a serious person. I dont like jokes and surprises very much. Pulling my legs.... gosh are like pulling yourself down the grave. The just kidding jokes no longer amuse me and suggestive planning taken back is even worst. 

I might sound confusing now. But if you do anything related here to me and if i want to keep a relationship with you, i would tell you. 

Many found me comforting cuz i dont judge. I dont judge cuz i respect human in general. So i listen. I behave the way i wish people do shall i need a listener. But i have found my comfort in blogging, thus most of the time ill just blog. Once i have released them, ill forget it until someone trigger it. This is how i find my closure. 

Perhaps i havent found the perfect listener yet. Many try to be and many fail. Im easily turned off. Im selectively sensitive as much as i am selectively choose my listener. Long story short, i have already gave up looking for one. Dont even try to be one. It wont work. Dont try to understand me. I am unreasonably deep and unwillingly stubborn to release comfortably.

Yea. Yea. Draggy. Impossible. Bossy. Tmth.
You dont say...

U may leave
i dont have hidden agenda.
what you see is what you get with me
whatever unlock later is bonus u yet to discover
if there are facts i hide from u... u shud know they are harmful to both you and i.
Leave them alone.

19th of April 2015 The Script @ Malaysia

I have plenty of good photo and i realised that as long as i am happy and if i am with someone i have trusted, my photos will look great. As in they somehow reflected my exact feeling on that moment and you could easily tell if i was or wasnt feeling the pleasure... of being photographed. 

I managed to get my colleague cum junior to go to The Script concert with me. We went early so that we could walk and shop around. Thus we start the journey around 11am. Reached Mid Valley around 12pm plus and got ourselves some Korean food. Gosh the roasted barley ice drink was the most disgusting drink ever. Well they came together as set drink. So... The chicken wings and less spicy chicken soup was quite good. Kimchi will still be on the same par as wasabi on top of my nottoeatlist. 

And then we hunt for Magnum outlet. Knowing that there is one in Midvalley, we found it at the highest floor near to the cinema section. We realised that they have two sections. One is for take away DIY magnum bar while another shoplot is for dine in meals. Well... im talking about serious fine dining ice cream outlet. Omg! 3 dessert set cost rm130 with GST.

However it was worth it for the 1st attempt. 

I paid the price solely for the ambience. It was a great cool place to be in. The desserts plating was delicate and lovely and the service was fine. 

We were so excited and our hunger for trying new stuff got the best of our rational. 3 dessert sets were too much for two filled tummy. But i was beyond ecstatic. Haha... We were like two big kids snapping photos on those artistic display of food. Lol. 

And after the excitement overloaded period was over, reality kicked in and both were too stuffy to finished the food. There we end up swearing and making vows not to eat any more ice cream until a certain period of time. Never in my life that i would have ever thought that eating ice cream could be a torture. 

If i dont force the waiter to tapau and paid the bill the silly boy who insist that we cant waste food will torture his tummy even further. He even challenged me that if i dont eat he will not send me to the script concert. Well honey, you picked the wrong one to negotiate with. But i knew he was just kidding. Dont dare me seriously. Then we proceed with shopping. 

He has a great body to dress with. I could dress him whole day like a ken doll. Meanwhile i only manage to find myself a blouse. Hmmp bad clothing season. 

It was 6pm. It was raining and traffic was bad. 

But we had plenty of time. So we moved slowly up to Sunway and to Stadium Malawati. It was an indoor stadium. Cool. No ponco needed. 

I was so excited as there was not many people yet. We reached at 7pm. That means i have good opportunity for middle and nearer seating in non assigned sitting area. Cheapest but still each ticket cost Rm255. By the time i bought the ticket the venue has been changed from stadium putra to stadium malawati. Which i dont mind as i have been to none. I can only tell about how much i dislike stadium merdeka. 

Once i step inside i knew the concert gotta be great. Indoor sound system will definitely be much collective and well projected. Some maniac who never know some concert manner almost spoiled my mood but they were lucky as my attention fixed to nothing but the band. The intro was cool and they were so pumped up and sounded great. Danny voice was a bit worn out in certain part of the song towards the end of the concert but my gosh repetitively singing the same set of songs for months and almost 2 days break only in each continents are very tiring. 

The opening act Coltan Avery was a new breath of fresh air in music artistry. His song and voice was great. It was really good that the crowd was highly responsive to his performance. 

The script got my attention when Breakeven was on air. It was a very special song and definitely not a mainstream genre. The man who cant be moved was my favourite all time and many more really great songs. 

The fans they were amazing. Seriously. Danny and Mark were so responsive to us they got down to the audiences many times and it was so much fun. What a way to make me feel regretful of not buying hotlink zone. I would have sweat out with so much of jumping and dancing and chasing them across the hall. Haha... 

They will pose for every concert they sang for a signature collection of where they have been and this is for Malaysia. 

The interaction between them and us was so sweet. Undeniably the best one for me thus far. 

Nsync will never come here even if they didnt disband. But BSB yes. I ady missed them one time. Not this one. May 3rd. I seriously hope BSB tops my expectation. I have been a fan way back since they sang As long as you love me. 

It was a super great day. The best thus far this year and for a longest period of time as i recalled. 

Could be the event, could be the companion could be collectively of both. Could be a promise could be a validation. My high consciousness will keep me sane and clarity in check.

You could simply put it as eventful. 

That is what i call happy. And happy is sweet. 

What if... hmmp. Things happen for a reason. 

:) Thanks for everything.

Sometimes we just gotta count our luck. It might appear to be gloomy and dark and eerily cold out there at times but you gotta be willing to walk through it and walk out of it. You either brave it yourself or if you happened to bump to a knight with shining armour, let him lead you out. Its not everyday that you see one and its not everyday that you need help. So ditch that bloody pride and reach out a needy hand.

And that was what exactly happened.

A yes as companion brought me to Putrajaya and to IoI city mall. Had a large meal at Tony Roma's. And a surprise in a bill paying trick totally got me lolled. A lot of bright lights and easy talk.
And suddenly i wasnt so blue any more. 

Thank you. 

If it is meant to be that i need to pay u back this life time ill do it. But i dont wish this to happen to me next life time. Make me a boy and an orphanage. Or give me a complete set of life of what i am having now. Fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml

I hate everything thats happening now. 7 months ago i thought it will be over. 7 months later it only get worst. Worst! How long u expect me to be filial? U r only 51 and im 27 my goodness sake. Omg. To think about it u r controlling my fucking freedom at my most active and fruitful youthful period. And to be thankful could you just control ur fucking anxiety?

1st time went to emergency room today fearing that she might suffer a stroke while we are having dinner. It was near to columbia so we went there, met the doctor and high blood pressure overshoot to 180/108. Waited for 1 and a half hour there and pressure was measured 30 min each interval. Blood pressure subsequently reduced. She was discharged. All doctors were telling the same fucking shit. Anxiety anxiety anxiety!!!!! Each n every fucking doctor! She is suffering from hormonal reduction and all its lacking off effect in some extreme ways and all other sickness but what really is killing her is her mind. I dun noe how to help her. I raised my white flag. I only have enough to send her to doctors and buy medication. Help her please. I dont wish to get involve in all the drama that comes along. Doctors cant help her, my friend couldnt help me. Ive devoted all my times for her and all her shits and my work. And u expected me to go commit into another relationship? How? Who do u wish me to care about? How do i make a decision on two people that i prioritize? Yes im thinking very far ahead cuz i dont longer feel like i have a future. The future that i dream of. Or maybe i dont deserve one.
:'(

Cant u tell ure suffocating me?
If yes why dont you be more thoughtful?
What do i need to do to make things right?
I just want more time n freedom to myself.
Emotional stableness and a peace of mind...
Am i asking a lot?

Why do i feel like im the only child?
Im too relied and depend on. Am i doing too much too soon and steering it the wrong way.
or that i over promised anything?

Sigh. Fml.
Save her body n soul.
Then u will be able to save me.

drunk bitch

Bahahahaha.... yes im calling it quit. Im a hopeless drinker and ill just remain at that. Fuck that shit. God, so embarrassing. Yesterday after a hectic and pressured day, boss ajak makan dinner. 6 of us went for a popular shop in Seremban famous for fish dishes. And somehow he always came with wine and each of us have a 3/4 portion of it in kopi o glass. That was totally weird. I knew i will have trouble finishing it but somehow i gulped it all. I wonder if it was because of the fucking day pressure or that i was somehow challenged cuz i was the only one in the group who cant drink. And guess what i drive that evening. Ahahaha.... wait for the best part.

2 gulped down and my face was as red as a plum.
And boss keep the evening going with a lot of stories which was entertaining and all fresh and new about kl club and women and stuff la. Haha.
The dinner end around 10pm and once i walked out of the shop i know that i was swinging already.

While i was driving i was okay until i walked into the house only then i felt dizzy. It was so bad, far worst than the previous 2 times when i got drunk. I felt suffocated. And nobody told me that if you drank so much you should not bath immediately. Since it was always night when i got drunk, i pun bath la cuz that was what i did every other normal night. Hot bath lagi. Habis. My face turn ghost white. My lips were pale and me legs turns jelly. God. I tried so hard to hide from my mom but i turned myself in. I wanted to vomit so badly and the discomfort and dizziness were really odd. I never had that extreme feeling before.

Hmmp. Anyway i wasnt that silly to get drunk with stranger k.... i was with close colleagues. I know if i cant drive home more than 1 person will be most willing to send me back.

Tgiv. Happie dinner at azuma today. Wrap up my working week beautifully. :)

However personal life continue to suffer. Mom health fluctuate and with paranoia attitude it kinda get on my nerve at all day and night. You will never know when she will tell you about her heart beat and dizziness and so on. I dont know how to help her anymore. Will some one just please. I beg u pls.

The rest of the family will never fail to disappoint too. Each with own agenda and never fail to recruit me into the picture.

What a happie family. Whoah. I love them all.

Giving Up

I don’t like the way he’s looking at you
I’m starting to think you want him too
Am I crazy, have I lost ya?
Even though I know you love me, can’t help it

I turn my chin music up
And I’m puffing my chest
I’m getting red in the face
You can call me obsessed
It’s not your fault that they hover
I mean no disrespect
It’s my right to be hellish
I still get jealous

'Cause you’re too sexy, beautiful
And everybody wants a taste
That’s why (that’s why)
I still get jealous

There.... i guess im jealous.
The rotten tomato. Rot n stinky tomato.
It is really sickening to endure this shitty fucking feeling again.

It is okay. I just gotta give it up and focus in what i do best. Life will go on. And i will be okay again. Okay is just fine as in if the fabulous come with heartache, longingness, confusion and helplessness than i rather just stick with an okay.
Dont challenge my ego. It is the only shield i have for myself other than dignity, talent and self reservation.

Now i know how this friendzone works.

Good that this happen this 2 months. I can have a lot of distractions.

1. The Script concert. 19th. Can lepak kl.
2. Preparation to bff wedding. 1st of may and 2nd of may wedding dinner.
3. Heading to setiawan road trip for the wedding. 30th morning.
4. Bsb concert may 3rd with joanne tan.
5. Ukm NTLP may 10th.

Gosh.
Patient, lady.
If ego was my 1st name, impatient is my middle name. And u can call me bitch. Now spell my full name. Lol.

Im somber. N stupid pms must happen now making my hormone more outta control.

Fuck this shit.

Unspoken pressure and madness. If i could tell out how frustrated i am, you know it wasnt so hard to deal with. I managed to swallowed it. But there is this one person i cant escape that make me so wanna die infront of her just to let her know how impossible she is and how painful i am being with her. I always wanna cut and torture myself infront of her just to let her understand that she is driving me insane. I cant tolerate pain thus i let go of the idea. The fact that she often hurt my feeling being intentionally or indirectly i couldnt bring myself to hurt myself even deeper than i already am to the pleasure of this fucked up woman.
I cant help myself thinking the dark side and wanting all the cruel stuff to happen and to keep wishing if i could turn back time.
A lot of thing happen today. But nothing tops wat i always have to endure at home. The aura she exude is toxic and im a polluted kid.

I often think that mylife this lifetime is to repay the sins ive committed last life. I have to be tortured and i gotta feel miserable here. Or that she is actually serving karmas, thing of what she did when she was young. God.... im done. Sad n sad