Blogging doesnt make me feel secure any more.
Nobody should make me feel more cautious or self concious should i wish to speak nothing but the truth. However things can be sensitive. And some are not meant to be told. I dont know what im saying now...

Sleepy. These 2 days have made me realized that we are okay. Back to norm. But im now clueless. I dont know what i want and if i want it that much any more. You missed the chance! I guess you are lucky.

You deserve better & I deserve someone who loves me. I cant tell if you are or will. Would u enlighten me with an answer?

We both are sick. But we arent the tailored made remedy for each other. I thought it was possible but apparently when i thought it will, it just wouldnt.

Gud nite #bersih 29 & 30

My heart is a ghost town....

So much so it is hollow on the inside chilly on the outside

Lolz

Im so Lambertfied. 

A bit bitter. 

Aching slightly... 

What do you want joanne?

Whatever do you need?

What happened? Would anyone ask? Would anyone care? What would i answer? Normal practise would be a simple okay or i will steer away from the topic. 

Its easy to tell people what i used to dream or what i wish to achieve. But once people ask me how do i do? Ill be like why do u wish to know? Cuz i dislike answering that question. Im used to be always not fine. I have never been fine. Until i learn that people dont wish to listen to negativity. So an okay will sooth the ear of listeners and perhaps mask the whatever not fine with me. 

Hmmp. But things have got better i guess. Since the furthest worst memory that i could recall... wasnt too long ago anyway... hahaha.

Maybe go watch some porn can make me feel better. Oo well. 

#friendzoned. 

Epoh mali...

Very random shoot. 

Epoh trip cut short. Only manage these. I skipped the ever famous sar ho fun and chicken rice. Just have myself a very brief idea of how epoh old town looks like.

I would go up epoh again soon. That time will be whole of Perak. Visitation to kampar, cameron, taiping, the gua and haunted kelly castle. 

N i will taste all the recommended delicacies for sure.

What i managed to taste today were great. 

I think i wont have any specific craving for seremban food anytime soon. I wish to lose appetite so i could lose weight without much effort and i hope that craving can kick off the next road trip sooner.

My baby Chasez behaved so well. It performed greatly on the road. The traffic was on my side, smooth journey all the way up and down to respective journey.

Safely home but starting to feel light headed and headache. 

*

If u hav yet to watch the fault in our stars i encourage u not to. If you have had, den pls dont rewatch. #sadcryagain

*

i dislike having you in my mind. 

Im trying to be convinced that i just like the idea of crushing rather than being crushed by a crush again. 

Its just a fling. Hinted perfectly. 

Just pls wake up. 

It will end.

Penang Annual Trip; Yr 2015 da quest to gain 3kg with dear love.

Annual trip to Penang. 

To meet my best 3 ladies besties who stay 450km away from me.

This time i brought along my mom. 

And i drove all the way up. 

Free and easy ride.

Im really proud of myself. 

I totally have confident going up and surviving the whole trip no doubt but having the idea and confidence doesnt means it could be carried out as just fine. This time around it was as smooth as planned. I was fetching my best friends from their house and sending them home etc. I even drove to island and over the iconic bridge no.1. Whoa! Muy perfecto!

Those who know me long n well enough know how much this journey means to me. Strangers have no idea and they dont matter anyway. 

I tried my very best to seek an alternate driver friend who would wanna go up play as well. Too bad... i couldnt find one which to my advantage i got to fully drive around whole of penang and see penang much up close n personal. 

Plus, i could giv full attention to my loveliest. This was what really matter. This was the whole trip was all about. Last time,  it was Newtune/ukm which unite us but not everyone could make it to the NT function lately. So i create a need to go penang 1 year once so i could be the reason to gather them for my selfish lil needs. Last year unfortunately i couldnt make it. But they came to me during my bday instead. It was exactly one year since i last seen them.

This year alone none of us have got it easy. Family problem, relationship issues. Some is with bad working environment and money matters. Everyone was dealing with a lot of thing in our own and we havent been keeping close contact with each other. 

This time i managed to come just in time for siewin bday (20th August). Arrived on the 19th and managed to meet everyone on the night itself at arnold cycling cafe. All the stressed 5 hours driving suddenly doesnt sucks at all. I was very tense cuz my mom wouldnt stop yanking at her passenger seat. Gosh. 

Hooi ling got her new slimmed figure and her kawaii china doll haircut. Super cute... i am tempted to try it out myself. Im happie to see her less emo. She doesnt always get too emotional and the moment when she looks for me i knew she is not doing well alone. 

Siew win is getting skinnier than ever. But she is more relax and calmer. She talks slower but more determined. I wasnt here when she most needed me but i hope she is aware of how much she means to me. I dont always willing to listen to any leo. She is the only leo that i listen to and be heard. The route dont come easy for you. Have faith babe. Rainbow is just around the corner. I shall see u there. If it doesnt, ill ensure one myself specifically for u. 

Cake candle and flower.... okay la. I did well. Hopelessly romantic. 

She doesnt need all these. But i just want her to have extra and more of the earth n heaven could offer and be reminded that ill be there for her as long as she need me. One way or another. 

Joanne tan aka my ukm roomate

One cute babe i adored.

She is living the romeo n juliet love story and it is such a pain to see her go through it. But she knows what she wants and she will work on it. For that i respect her and i wish her all the best. I will see you through it dear. Dont lose hope.

All 3 of them means a lot to me. Without them Penang is nothing to me. All the fattening food the beach and the city are just complimentary products to me. 

20th morning hooiling dated me for dim sum date. 

We went to buy flower for siewin for her bday. It was coincidently a chinese valentine day too. So i presented one bouquet of roses to hooi ling too. All 3 of us love purple, are single and strong in personalities. So different but yet so similar... if you know what i mean. 

Then we went to island to buy some biscuits n jalan jalan and i was introduced to a cake shop selling cakes...rm20 for a piece of cheese cake. All kind of exotic flavours. Special theme based cafe. Dark n lusty #moodycow

No batu ferringi beach walk. Sad... I was there at night with siewin on the 20th. Too bad the rain was pretty bad and it was late at night. Bad weather spoiled the journey. We had a full dinner at a famous food court. 

Its good to be able to view Ferringi at night. If only there were stars and full moon n no rain. Not much visitation in island this time. Ive come to penang quite many times. So i wasnt looking towards to places visitation. I just wanna spend more time with them and it will be bonus if they choose to introduce me more new places.

Last night at Penang... 21st August.

Hooiling performs at Tao @ auto city. 

As promised me n joanne went to participate the performance. Laymei is around too. I got to meet her for good after 4 years and then headed to supper @ BW. 

Earlier in the day i managed to try the duck egg fried keow teow. God it was good. Wei quan said BM got one special one but it only starts at 9pm... time frame doesnt allow me to fit in the trip at night so i went visited BM at noon instead. Bumped to the big prayer for the 7th month festival. 

I didnt know i miss laymei until i met her that night.

Glad to be able to sit down and really listen to her current condition. Happie that she has achieve so much and so much more offer that she could get. 

You go girl. Support you all the way!

Thanks roomie for having me and accompanying me few nights. I have a soft spot for u always and i care dearly of you. 

Next destination Epoh. Possibly just half day cuz im getting a bit too uneasy and home sick? And i dont think my mom can take it any longer...

ill come back for more for sure. Many road trip require similar passion's kinda person and if she isnt into the same idea then its a turn off. 

But im proud of how my mom cope with the tiring trip. She did well. Thumbs up!

Nway... time to rest. :)

night dearest bff. Ill be emo missing each and everyone of you.

Close your eyes so you don't fear them
They don't need to see you cry
I can't promise I will heal you
But if you want to I will try

I'll sing this somber serenade
The past is done
We've been betrayed
It's true
Someone said the truth will out
I believe without a doubt, in you

You were there for summer dreaming
And you gave me what I need
And I hope you find your freedom
For eternity...
For eternity

Robbie Williams. One of his good songs. 

Lazy sunday. I wanna sleep the noon off. But it just seems difficult. Sleeping is precious. Something i cant own easily. Sleeping a lot of times is awful. Countless night that end without nicely sealed day often leads to nightmares which will subsequently make me feel more tired and sombre in the next morning.

Then the cycle continue. Bad morning busy noon sleepy evening active night sleepless midnite and again it goes. I cant fix this. As much as i wanted to sleep i just somehow reluctant to give in. I dont know what i am afraid off. A new sad day or to go to an unknown nightmare awaiting in sleep? Both are equally dreadful. Hmmp. Fan zhin. Seriously. I need to be sick to be able to rest. 

Last friday nite...

Triplet date. Very wrong triplet. Very awkward. 

It will never happen again. There is rules with triplet date. My trio with jo n lek is match made in heaven. 

Most of the time ill just have duo or group gathering. But it was a good and mind provoking date. I see clearly what i truly want and what is right for me. 

The strong woman article i read in FB was a total bullseye. I feel like it was written for me and by me to remind me not to lose me. Lolz.

I need jcdagreat back. Pls. Come back to me. 

I used to have difficulty differentiating left n right side with other languages except if you mention it in english.  

I have OCD when it comes to things under my responsibility. A nurtured OCD. I didnt born with this mental disease. 

I have trouble saying no. I cant say no even if it is against my will. I hate disappointing people so i end up sabotaging own interest. So i start measuring people needs on their demand. If there is no death and health related and no persistence thus i will secure my own interest 1st above everyone else. 

Cuz i realize not many people are grateful for the extraish thing you have done. Everyone have short term memories and easily take things for granted. And many are vengeful and cruel. 

Thus selfish is my new aim. Nothing is fair in the world. Gender equality and fairness my arse. Mutual love and understanding are total bullshit. 

Failing to prioritize shows disrespect to the important ones. 

So ive learnt. As much as i hated it reality sucks. 

You maybe one of the many gems that dont mind burning to sacrifice thyself but some like their world in eerie darkness and you would just be the bitch who blinded them with light. Whoah...

If only i took english literature and not biology.... hahahaha 

I like being a banana. I love how i could mess around with words so that only another banana with similar sign or who cares will understand. 

Thanks for taking back everything that was ever given. A temporary shelter that provide warms and fun. The 4th. Im used to the circle. I just thought wrong. Again. 

Sensibility against emotion. Dammn.... 

Ding ding ding. Emotion won round 1. 

Haiz. Try napping la. 

Well i didnt know that i could still hurt anyone with my choices of word.
What have i done wrong to ever be revenged upon in such way.
I cant believe people will choose to judge you by something u dont know you should be responsible to and got pissed and try their best to hurt you back and totally ignore all the good that you have done for them.

Either you dont bother or you dont know me enough or you dont care. Why would i intentionally hurt someone i care to teach, to listen to and to spend time with?

One single blinded fury moment you thought was hurtful of one innocent fucking word that ive said you need to seek revenge on me. Ignorance is my red button. You made me question myself. That is also my red button.

One simple reason why i dislike making new friend. Cuz i need to learn ones personality all over again. When im willing to do so and im being repaid in the most foolish way made me feel incredibly stupid!

You reminded me of my bff betrayal on me.
You made me feel sorry for myself.
As sensitive you are to wording so am in body language. U spent ur 3 days avoiding me.

What in the world that any issue cant be talked over? You couldnt tell me n fix the issue? and you need to create a drama making me wondering for an answer?

Goodness

Ill just keep everything simple. Ill watch my bloody mouth and words cuz i wouldnt know what is right at the wrong time and what is wrong at the right time for you. Nothing is right. Back to square one.

And im sorry. To you. And myself.

Do you know that i hate apologizing for something i dont think i am wrong? Maybe i am guilty. I guess i am.

Surprise Surprise...

BFF said he wanna replaced a bday celebration for me cuz he has missed the actual date.

So on the 9th he dated me for a dinner. My moodiness turned him off. Apparently 1 week before my period and on the week of period i would make many enemies. My choices of words got bad and wrongly deliver at the wrongest time and my friend somehow feel sensitive with it after a tired day. But being understanding he would just let me be a messy cat with annoying purrs n bad scratches aka tantrum randomly. Very brief dinner only cuz i could see that he was tired. He drove all the way back from meleka n need to go back the day after for work. He promised me flowers which i always doubt if he would ever. Well... he being him is always a joker... so i gave up waiting for one.

Since it was a brief dinner so he promised me a lunch for the next day as well before he go back. After a lunch at Yeekee, he asked me to walk to his car. I was like hey... im late for duty. Its monday... and why would a girl walk a guy to his car... but for all the sweetness he did, i cant say no. 

He said he has bought a cake for me and its at the car booth. I got agitated and i sensed something amiss. 

There goes my forever promised flower bouquet of rosses and daisy. No one found sunflower. Haha... but i found love. 

It was very romantic and how he presented the flower got me all floored. He told me that he wanted the whole office to know that i am wanted. 

He made me the centre of jealousy and who would not be jealous of a girl receiving a beautiful bouquet by a doctor boyfriend? 

Unfortunately it isnt so accurate but who care anyway? Im fucking single. His thought of giving me the ultimate demand of respect and attention totally won my heart. Too bad he cant love me as i wish he would. Some people is luckier i guess.

No woman even with the heart of steel in the world would hate a lovely delivery of floral, heart and sweetness. 

For that i love you. 

Both 8th and 9th of August were lovely. 

Work occupied me on Sunday. 

Im a proud kid with my baby project.

It is growing well. 

Happie to know some banker friends too.

***

What have i done wrong? 

What is with this ice cold treatment? 

What is your problem? 

Do that fucking one more time im done with you. 

Surprise Gathering

Jiayie came back from SG.
N i was dated. Funnily enough she told me that she wanna date me on Saturday alone and want me to choose a restaurant much earlier than our practice.

To my surprise, as much as she loves me dearly im pretty sure she miss u65 gathering as well. But i never give much thought to it. Im just glad she is home on my bday month. So she said she is gotta fetch me to dinner. Once i entered the car i was surprised by a bouquet of flowers. Rosses n lilies.
Awhhh... so sweet of her. I may be as hard as steal but i could easily be melted by flower n heart.

She said there was no sunflower so she choose yellow lilies as replacement. A beautiful packaging indeed. As soon as we reached Pizza Italia, to my horror i saw a group of familiar faces.... omg. My u65 mates were all neatly seated and were expecting me. God. It was form 6 birthday prank reminiscence. Total playback. I was delightedly pranked.

My gut told me that my jiayie is not as simple as that. But that was totally cool. We had a fun crazy dinner n definitely a loud gathering there.
So many small gifts and meaningful presents they have for me. Most importantly is their beautiful Saturday evening given entirely for me and the lovely gathering.

We proceed with 2nd round at coffeeholic cafe house. Another crazy season.
I am pretty lucky. I always have really good friend who would want

5th of August

Its Mr Danny's Birthday.

He wished me on the 3rd during my 2nd round bday celebration.

I was delighted beyond compare when i saw his sweet message. I told him once last year perhaps that we are both Leo babies. He has learned how to use note 3 fast pun... the fact that he remember and he didnt even have facebook to remind him.

Some people who matters, you dont go refer to facebook for their bday. You remember by heart. You will mark bday date on your calender and set a reminder/alarm in case you forget. You will put effort to remember it.

K boy delivered me a special starry pricey baskin robin ice cream cake in the office. It was full of stars and it was the 2nd sweetest thing a crush ever do for me on my bday. Its a lovely delivery. Coming from you specifically it took alot of U and courage to pull it off alone. For that i thank you and appreciate your surprise. The surprise was expose too early cuz i already saw it at bizM table. Haha

The 1st sweet one was during form 6. The bday surprise prank that involve kidnapping, forced lunch and delivering me to the 1st big surprise of my life.
That was done by my 1st crush n his/my fellow U65rians. Weeks after he said no to my confession. The day i told myself not to be a love fool any more. I guess i fall right back 3 more times todate.

Then cjx joined the trio group for bday dinner, a heartful and thoughtful dinner planned 1 week ahead by joanneW and yonlek.

They dont assumed that ill be booked. They booked ahead and seek my consent on my date n time. As much as i like surprises, i also demand respect and be prioritized.

Azuma date and then to coffee n dream. Jo and lek left us at the coffee house while they go get the cake. No surprise dy. If they have not booked i would have stop them but jo' s bday is the day after mine. So must have another cake.

Another bsskin robin starry cake. Awww... but pls, ill just pass for any more incoming ice cream cake at least for the rest of this year. n the best part was the cardboard with best wishes and love. They just stood out side the shop and start waiving it until i saw it and that just totally got me good. Hati lebur.... dui.

And i sang bday song on the road side at 12am to joW and witnessed by 3 malay men. Aisey... but that smile on her face worth every bit of that effort.
Happie birthday my love.
Every single word on my card to you came from my heart core.

Doesnt sound like a bad day day isnt it.
Then why do i feel like something is missing?

What went wrong?

Guide me.

5th of August. The day i wear my ring back. Record broken. 2 weeks off. Do me no good at all. Vulnerability was exposed and i feel so ashamed.
Ill be wiser. Today onwards, jcdagreat is back!

Im so sleepy. Very.

Im not feeling so well.

Didnt sleep well. Couldnt sleep well.

Got drizzled over by rain yesterday night.

Was super happie super down super mad

And then super disappointed.

All in one day. Yes, on my birthday.

A lot of people wanted to protect me.

Even I myself know what is right but the heart wants what it wants.

Anyway, i dont really understand. Unless i stop being a coward or...

I want to give up.

I dont want to play any more.

I cant afford to lose.

Game over.

Im not sold.

my wish my demand

Ok. Every pms week ill be freaking emotional to a point i could cry without a reason.
Erm... not really without a reason cuz that would be a bipolar symptom which i once thought i have.
I have a lot of reason to cry but i always manage to ignore and forget about them.

Lately ageing hormone are disturbingly awful and inconsiderably hateful. Ive been suffering emotional rollercoaster during pms week.
I cried twice today. I played with my bff's dog and im in pms week. So i wonder which was the reason i cried.

Many things are bothering my head for sometimes and i have no one to voice out to. So the outburst was really a good relieve.
I bought myself and my gf a stalk of rose each for no reason.

Met up with her only after decades. Diu. We both stay in seremban n most weekend both undated. Yet she always ffk me.

But bff dont forget birthday and no matter how long we dont meet each other, we can always talk like years... i mean months melt away like it was just yesterday. There was no awkward moments or dead air between us.

We were in my favourite coffee house sipping our favourite cuppa and talked away the hours.

I love you Lee Yoke Shan. More than ever. Never changing. This year you are the 1st i allowed to celebrate my bday.

So... back to the topic. My wish my demand.

I'll be officially 27 years old in coming Monday.
I realized what i dont get to have all these years is because i care too much, think too much and not wanting enough.

What do i really want? My ego nature has been the bitch who save me from a lot of misery but also sabotage many moments of which now become guilts. What do i do?

What i want is simple. Dont make it harder to me that its already is.

1. I want to be in a relationship.
To someone who loves me more than i do to myself n to him. Dont confuse me. Dont need me for other thing than my love and loyalty. Dont talk to me about money if it doesnt involve urgency or future. Dont talk to me about how valuable i am when you dont protect me and need me like your basic necessity.
Dont make me feel like i am a second choice because you cant place your priority. Dont make me love you and walk away. Dont make me believe and take those things away. Dont use me. Dont make me a fool to keep guessing your intention. A fucking lion doesnt play game. And you dont wanna play hide n seek with me. Dont belittled me. Dont take me for granted. It will backfired. You wont know me as long as you cant convince me to let you.

If nothing above says you, fix this once and for all and make me understand. Spit it!

2. I wanna have a long gateway.
To an island preferably.

3. I want to successfully write a song which i hum randomly.
I often feel i have some talent in music. Must learn some instrument really.

4. I need a promotion or bigger reward at work.
I need a good change. Coming November will be my 4th year with pbb. Fuck that shit. N this year has been some good n bad moments.

5. I wanna be able to change my wardrobe.
I want to be able to wear hot pants. Fix the skin and get something fresh.

6. I wish to fix the lump(s) in my breasts.
Either i take some pills or i take those bitches off. Fuck u piece of shit. Potentially take away more years of which i dont already have.

7. Get back in shape.
Just like when i was in 2nd year in my University. Or when i was in form 2 or something when i could feel my hips bone.  I wish to dance again. Be it whether i have a partner or not.

8. I want to be happy.
I really want to be happy.
It is not hard. I wanted it. In fact im yearning for it.

So... dont sadden my sad soul.