:(

Im sick and im very unhappie.

:'(

Im being very emotional lately. That feeling of not wanting to communicate, to answer or to come clean and wondering what and who to tell is devastating. It happened when my 1st dog died. It happened when my grandpa died. It happened badly when my dearest 2nd dog died. So whats the deal this time you ask?

My mom did a pap smear test and not that we dont already know but this time it was confirmed some growth in the neck of uterus. Doctor recommended to get it off with several manner of operation methods to choose from. 

She being the weak and vulnerable couldnt handle it and cried whole day. Me acting tough can only carry on to act tough and be her pillar of strength. 

It was bad to know that the closest one is sick and you are simply helpless. Its worst when she is indecisive on whether or not to proceed with operation. Me being completely clueless on this matter can only keep encourage her to talk to women around to get more reality check that it is a normal sickness and many of them had gone thru it. Talking is easy but standing on her point of view is different. She is afraid of operation let alone dying in operation. Sigh. 

Im scared too. I dont want this to happen. Everything about her bothers me, which is a good thing cuz i guess i love her. All my life i just wanted her to be happie. When im trying so hard, her never ending misery life put another spin in her pathway. Why? Although the sickness she has isnt an immediate life threatening illness in comparison with my cousin's which i think was spindle sarcoma cells cancer attached to her stomach and liver.

She is a cancer survival and is recovering and still under chemo which leaves her a bag of bones.

It is a pitiful sight but it isnt half of what her mother is enduring. Now im dealing with it, i sometimes wonder if i can choose to endure my mother sickness, would it be better?

I know i had a breakdown too when i first discover that i have a benign in my left breast. But it isnt cancer. And i left it unmonitored for the past ermm...5 years. But i was just starting my higher education and that was my 1st taste of freedom period. Ofcourse i was scare of losing that all. The same is going thru with my mom. Very much the same. 

If i could take that away at least i can make call and take charge of my life. Now that i cant decide for her and i have to be part of the whole solvable misery but with uncertainty, i feel very upset. 

When sickness come visit us by surprises, i begin to suspect maybe some of my skin itchiness and some other issue maybe terminal illness too. Fml.

I hate this wanting to shut down communication feeling. Especially when i wanted to go for the 1st ever asian got talent audition. I dont have mood for preparation. I feel like pulling out. Nothing to lose anyway. I hated any kind of barriers. This specifically the ultimate betrayal life has on me. Im going anyway. 

When i took my banker exam last year, i was dealing with so much pain and sorrow. I failed it and this year they force me to retake when i told them it was a curse and i wont pass it. Indeed i failed again. It wasnt hard. I just couldnt find heart to fight hard.

Im clueless now. I wanna seek help. I wanna talk this over but if only that would even help. I know my mother behaviour. I wanted somebody positive to talk to her. Im not even close of being one and my patience is constantly wearing down. This form of desperation i dont know how many people understand. Everytime i feel like i achieve something, bad news wash ashored. Every single fucking time. I actually have my heart ready to face it but it never feel good. It just never is. 

Look. I dont seek high ambition though i have hope. I dont seek dreams come true but i have wish. I just wanted a non worrisome life. Why this piece of shit so bloody difficult? 

*

Am reading the fault in our star. Im in awe with the author's use of simple but articulate phrasing and story telling. Of course the movie with the perfect Augustes impersonation from the movie helps. 

Got myself some cheap books in Big Bad Wolf sales in seremban. Disappointed with some missing author's pieces though. Anyway, it is a small booth. Ive been to one at serdang upm hall. That was a huge one. Those time they run once yearly only.

Well. Wish me luck tomorow. I just wanna be the best i could. I cant be the best of the lot anyway.   

Oops I did it again!

So yea... i did it again. Surprise! Lol. I seriously feel that i have some adrenalin madness or that i was hungry for agitation! I saw a post by a FB friend and it was an audition call to a show named Asian Got Talent. Im sure those who watch reality shows will know where this theme originated from and who is the big man behind the show. It was named Asian Got Talent and not Malaysian Got Talent or others u may thought of. Thus it will be more internationally designed and there will be no restriction in language or age or other nonsense boundaries. Yay!

Once i have a good look on the venue and time, i quickly got into the link and registered my name to it. 

I guess the bday party was the righteous decision ive ever made cuz that wake up call worked its magic. Now im not gonna sit on any opportunity, no more hesitation. 

Anyhow, this whole thing involve not just Malaysian, it will spread throughout Asian. Thus the amount of talent who may bump to the competition will be incredibly high which also mean i stand a very little chance to be selected.

Since i might not at all be making it big, why dont just go and even try for fun. With little to expect, i should hav no pressure to deliver and be judged. 

Maybe my luck will somehow get me noticed rite? Well i wouldnt noe but no harm trying. 

I truly believe effort will bring in success. Mine was minimal against my passion. So trying out and exposing myself is already a great deal. 

Wish me best of luck okay? 

The only issue is that the audition is scheduled on 28th of september. Only 1 goddamn week to practice and to make decision on song choice. Maybe its a good sign after all. If i were to be informed earlier on this like the greenbox competition, i will continue to have sleepless night for a very long time. 

Lol

I like the current me :) 

(minus the sleeping issue!)

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Recently, i see a lot of name tagging involving driving license, top 10 books and 20 things ppl do not know about you kinda games in FB. I suppose all these starts once the ice bucket challenge stops as abruptly as it goes viral. 

I thought it is pretty fun. Listing it in FB macam very overrated. In blog means more subdued kan...

Lets go: 20 thgs u may not know about me. 

Hmmp, im really like an open book particularly in here... Oh well, cuba la.

1. I have a big crush in Jc Chasez from Nsync since yr 5 to form 5. This is his current look. Dont u think angmoh has ever lasting beauty? I thk we can make pretty awesome baby. Hahaha.

2. Ever since i was young, i knew i will get married in the age of 27. Whoah! Expiring jor. 

3. I had a girl crush when i was in high school. She was very charming. Wondering if she is alive. Same batch, non chinese. Dont bother guessing k. But then i fall for boys in f6. Not so gay after all. 

4. I was very Very WEAK in english up to form 4. Had a factual slap in the face about how bad my english was by a form teacher. I couldnt even phrase a proper sentence. Yes, the gruesome effort paid off living by the dictionary everyday until form 6. Muet band 5 okay :) i took twice tho. Still bad in spelling. Always mispell stuff.

5. I took spanish language as an extra in university cuz nsync sang a spanish version of This I Promise You. And guess what? Both my male and female spanish teachers were hawt!! Imported from Europe! I fail the exam :( was too busy with activities. Super busy!

6. I always love singing but i always lie about my dream. I will often say that i dream of being a fashion designer which was my 2nd love. Not now of course.

7. I never have long hair the whole primary school period. Somehow my mom like to make me keep it short. T.T which i dont like. Well.

8. I thought i had a mental breakdown when i was in form 2 i think. Can't recall clearly. But it was pretty bad. The details... erm, long story short, i couldnt tell a lie. Lol. If u make me lie to u, i will hate u.

9. I have COD. Mild case ba. But please dont talk to me when i wanna switch off my car engine. Or i will have to go one big round of checking. Very embarrassing k. 

10. My 1st original album bought was Dato Siti Nurhaliza'. 1st karaoke competition song was her killer hit Purnama Merindu in standard six.

11. I will try my best to avoid 3 types of person.

a. Stingy ppl

b. Weirdo

c. Big old smelly yucky male with bad manner.

12. I have a bad tolerance to odour. Although i do have problem in my nose senses, somehow it works perfectly well when smelly people walk past me. So most of the time, i will hold my breath if i have to deal with them.

13. I must visit the toilet before i sleep in for good. And i will always bath prior to coming into the bedroom cuz i am scare of my own odour too. 

14. I like practising speeches. This include talking to myself and self convincing. It got serious when i was so self consumed at office. My colleague would be like... joanne, are u talking to me again? Lol

15. I sing and dance in bathroom. Yea~ naked. Thats how my showmanship was awesomely good. Haha. Dun visualize anything. 

16. I eat like mad people when im stress or in great despair. 

17. I hate making decision but i cant let people with bad taste make a decision involving me. So lately i practice not wanting. Then i would have nothing to decide on.

18. I seriously hate phone calls. I dont like to talk over the phone. I end up hating songs that i choose as my ringtone. I used to hav bad calls involving bad news and unhappy stuff. If im in a bad mood i will choose not to pick up your call. But i will answer your message. Then i will lie and i will hate u.

19. Never been to clubbing. I look wild. Maybe i am suppose to be wild. I wanted to be wild. The next bday i want a tattoo :)

20. I have bad skin since i was a kiddo. Lotsa mosquito bites and those ache and itchiness end up in long lasting scars. So kenot wear short skirt lor... sigh. Im a girl with flaws but underneath em all, im pretty good. 

Ha, i can go on... but seriously tired wei listing down stuff. Thats why numbering fail in blogging. Only essay format applies. And which is why i hate numbers. Somehow life has a different plan. Now i end up dealing with number, amount, figures, target, phone calls and mean people. Argh. 

Ok la. Done for today.

xoxo

Adult's playing space involves square room eg, hotel bed room, karaoke room, band room, studio room... haha. That stupid stuff just crossed my mind. I had an incredulous urge to post it at FB but well it was a stupid statement. So i just ignore it. It was a boring Malaysia day with no special planning except for a k date with love. Lol. I think he wont mind me calling him that. We love rumours dont we.

Kimyang, a fling of mine since pre uni. My perfect duet partners. Our voices sync beautifully. I can tell. The last time we sang together was during my bday but that didnt count as k date & that duet was a disaster. We didnt get a chance to practice and i was so stubborn to reminisce good old paulian star moment. He improves a lot. I can recall the first time singing with him. He was very shy and he wouldnt sing out loud. Gosh, how well he has changed. Our endless love was perfect  :)
You made my day!

Such a good package. I dont understand why is he still single? I truly believe u're being choosy. Lol.

Pbb Srb branch opening and stuff...

Today was a working day. Yes it was. Thus no OT claim la. 

But it was a pretty cool day except that i kinda have the privilege to escape the bigger crowd. The lion dance was surely something worthy to remember of. A chinese society in Chung Hwa High School offered a good package to us with 2 lions and some energetic boys. Boy are they young. My gosh. Now i feel pretty old. Pretty and old! My regional manager was around. All and all, the function was smooth even though not as the way we have planned it. I remember suggesting the main idea from the management is not gonna work but it was fallen to deft ears. So since indeed it didnt worked out, i kinda suggest accordingly a salvation plan for the day and myself and save a chaos from happening. Haha. Thats why, do not ignore when the leo speaks. We dont talk rubbish.

 Anyway, today was suppose to be a road show cum opening. And branch invited all those big boys n humble millionaires. Instead of mingling with them, i hide myself with smaller crowd :) wasted my makeup though. Haha. 1st of all, lack of idea to differentiate whom n whom kinda intimidating. And i see many of them are being served rightfully by my seniors. I can live with that-not stealing the lime light.

Life in bank is at the moment pleasing. I was awarded accordingly but it could n should be better. I have yet to see my increment n i hope it does justice to my hardwork. 

Having a few younger blood colleagues in bank is the best thing ever happened this year. Only y generation understand us better. Age is definitely a barricade and any age gap exceeded 5 years will definitely caused communication breakdown. 

I appreciate these new kakis and it makes everyday much more excited and competitive. I thk we can be best of fwens too which i never thought can be found among colleagues.

*

The trip to segamat, well as usual wherever i go out station for the 1st time n far away, i will have to endure a hell round of some arguments. Never fail! Up to a point i tell my mother that of i were destined to die that very day i travel, all i remember was us fighting for rubbish if thats what you want. Rough morning plus all the waiting were not the best feeling to ensure a good travelling. We used the old road via jalan tampin from seremban to gemencheh, gemas to segamat. Very adventurous and seriously, long distance driving need focus and experience. There are many fucking dare devils who wish to die young on the road especially on small roads.

Glad i have both of them. 

The idea was to celebrate course mate wedding and to meet up with long lost members. A dear fwen of mine, my only king Frederick. Gosh, he looks so old now. Which reminds me not to get married until im fully committed and ready.

Visited some recommended places and drove around the town and a must do visitation is definitely to see for myself pbb segamat branch. A performing branch at my region. 

Since we were travelling in car and was crossing states, we decided to stay one more day at melaka. Visited jonker street night market for the 1st time. Wanted so badly to stay n listen to the live band at hardrock cafe. Sigh... wasnt feeling very well that night. Wasnt in the right mood. I found out that melaka raya will definitely be another shopping heaven i will go to the very next time when i wanna shop till i cry. Lol. I was at the largest carlo rino boutique and was almost being lured to buy a sweet handbag. Im glad my senses kicked in earlier before the sales woman catch me for good. Haha. 

I hope to travel by car further this year to penang. Then i can bring my mom over. The idea was that la until she potentially screw it up with lotsa fussiness. Trust me, if u could live with her head for a day, you will die of suffocation. I dont know how she live with it for the past 50 yrs. 

*

Lately, i was pretty hardworking putting on make up and working out my short hair. Cuz it alone is too out standing. Without the hair length, my face feature is greatly expose. Those were the days when i can just go to office with flat face and make up free hidden behind the hair. Now...sigh. The troubles i put myself into. 

Anyway, i never thought i can carry this new look until i make the effort to. Since im so bored of being myself, working out a new image is kinda cool. 

Putting on a make up is like wearing a mask. 

I used to feel that i have multiple personalities disorder. When im on stage without a doubt im jcdagreat. When im at work, im joanne. When im at home or alone im just Yan.  

To convince myself of that so that each character function correctly and efficiently, make up was one of the best tools to enhance the features.

Eye brow pencils and eye liners are my best fwens now. I look like crap without them. And i totally understand now how they function and give sense of respect. I can very much live without them but only during my off days.

Hiding behind a mask is better than being an open book. I feel very vulnerable when someone wanna noe me by force. Which is why i use to think that it's not easy to make new bff. As we get elder, we get to know more ppl from all walks of life. We reach a stage where fortune and else stuff besides sincerity become a tool to measure your importance. 

I also live with the principle that i cant fall in love with a boy who isnt my best fwen. Noe why?

You call someone best friend cuz you basically know how nice that person is and how comfortable you are with them. Which is why i like them. Which is why i will fall in love with them. Of all the 3 crushes ive lost, 2 of them were best friends. A lot of time were spent knowing and liking that someone but i guess those were the times wasted. Cuz eventually, we didnt work out cuz knowing each other too well only to find out that we simply dont clicked as couple. And i wasnt that someone who call it quit. 

So i though liking without knowing too well might give a different result. I guess wrong. Cuz 3rd crush  didnt work out too well too. Everything just went wrong and fallen apart. I even risk losing a friend. Lol. To answer many question by many friends who care and geboh lebih lebih, i would either answer them that i was gay or that i have personality issue. Did they sound alike? Erm... haha. 

I havent been crushing anybody for a good 9 months. Fuyoo... so very dry kan. I might slowly hav phobia in falling in love cuz im tired of all those waiting and expecting and wanting and needing. So baby kan? Homosapiens named it the act of desperateness. 

I call it the art of suicide. Haha. Since i only have 24 yrs to live gloriously, i guess my next move is to materializing my travel list and start my volunteering works asap. For that i need to work on my financial strength right. 

So im kinda busy. Lol. :)

Oh yea... i miss u baby love. Tonight a bit more.

Today so sui... my boss stuff kept me on my toes, made me so gan cheong the whole day just to ensure his case is in the right hand. Made multiple calls and yes, tho i learned much faster and ahead of others, i found this truly annoying. I really hate being pushed in such a way that i kinda lost my cool. Then a bitch came wanted to see my boss cus she kenot accept me rejecting her case. Walou eh, really? Though i know im at the safe position, i seek and was told to salvage the case. I was being spilled with sarcastic comments and punches. If only i can tell her off for good. Im surprised of how well i can keep my cool and calm her down until to a stage where we both can negotiate. But that doesnt mean i like dealing with this kinda pressure. The colleague give me problem. Why on earth is she so bloody calculative and unfair. Sigh. Speechless.
U know what? im kinda revengeful. I wont treat u the same but if you ever need me do the extra miles of help for u, sorry la. U wait la yea.

Blurting out anger is much easier than narrating my journey last weekend. Im so lazy n i have so limited time for myself. Gosh. If it isnt for this unspoken madness im dealing with now, i guess i wont even have the heart to start blogging again.

Fml.