Our 1st Anniversary / My 30th Birthday

What would have happened if i didnt choose to go to Ipoh trip in year 2015?

Would we even be friends?

We went through so much of denials and doubts before we walked into this commitment.

4 yrs apart and taking all the extremes and the outliers into calculation, it is surely a tough call. 

Falling for you was easy. Loving you is hard. 

Falling for me was hard. While loving me is easy.

My love would probably screaming hell to the no she is not easy to love. Haha....

But really, it is not hard to please me. I'm a sucker for romance and romance is time attention and love. Creativity is bonus.

For us to make this work, both need a lot of patience and love to conquer our differences.

We went through a total of 365 days fighting and making up and still find a reason to stay put. The fact that we took great effort to make this work, we dont simply give up for smallish issues.

He would never.

Falling in love for the 1st time at a mature age at 29 is a terrible idea fyi. 

You have a matured mind with a childish teenage love heart. You could never fulfill both at the same time.

And dear love, stop loving you is impossible.

I only wish that our relationship continue to grow and blossom. 

Deary brought me to Cameron Highland knowing that I have never been there and that we have discussed about this place for quite awhile.

I hated the fact that we have to travel so far for it and it was so endangering with its travelling routes only limited to a few long and winded pathways.

Pity my love for such hard drive up the hill.

Whether or not the view and the air are worth the whole travelling tension, we did have a lovely dates of 3 days and 2 night stay at Copthorn Hotel.

I would put it this way. If you havent been there, you should plan and go for the experience. But if you have been there, you might wanna think twice if you got dated to go up again in the nearest time.

My love is trying to make my wishes come true one at a time. He remember things that he promises and things that matter to me. Although at times he could be having too much thoughts in his head and some over concern issues but that was exactly why i love this man. He cares and he thinks ahead. 

At times he shows too little affection never taking in the fact that i would be borthered by little too less attention shown. 

Deep down i know he loves me by slowly breaking his comfort zone for me.

Love is everthing with you.

Even if i have to lose everything, I know i will still have you. 

When someone's voice calms the storm in you and bring comfort to your core, you know he is the one.

Love quote makes perfect sense when you fall in love. Whatever cheesy shits you read out there, they are all real. 

When you love someone greater than yourself, you literally lay out your heart and put it on someone else's hand. You emplace the power on someone you trust more than yourself. 

I was an emo girl but i wasnt a cheesy hardcore loveshit drama queen.

Now i write better stuff than them. 

I hope many happy returns and wishes come true to your beautiful soul and your every kindness to others.

Happy 1st anniversary my love! 

And on this very birthday, another gf of mine found her beloved. I am so happy for her.

That would be her 1st bday with a man who knows how to love her.

While, i really dont have much and wanted much as i grow elder. 

I only wish i could be given enough years to celebrate more happiness with my love. 

His happiness are mine.

My mom's health and peacefulness. 

His and my families well being.

My friends happiness.

Thats all. Are they too much to ask for?

If I could trade my dreams for theirs, would you allow?

It feels right holding hand and locking fingers with you.
It is the safest place on earth and is one of the best sense of security one can give another.

I find myself seeking for that feeling that i cant describe after my dog passing. And then i found you.
You rescued me.

Every time we lock fingers, you reassured me that our love still persists even after quarrels and fights.
That we still want this to work.

You gave me a platform for me to be myself comfortably. Our intimacy surpassed sexual satisfaction.

You often asked about my high tolerance and acceptable level in everything. While i often said it is only for you.
You would do anything for your loved one as long as it pleases him.
That level grows with love.

Your sweaty palms never bothers me. While you tolerate with my ego in times of madness.

You blow dry my hair while i pops your pimples.

:)

Thank you for fighting on for us love.

Thank you for staying with me.

Please be consistence, slowly chasing away my insecurities.

That is our only set back at the moment.

I hope you can feel my love from the very core of your body knowing i wishes you well, love and happiness.

The thought of losing you to things that hinders our relationship kills me.

I miss you already.

I used to be a very vocal person.
Lively. Talkative. Bubly. Those who know me along the years would be able to tell you how different i am now compared to those times.

I dont know what change me.
Even if i dont talk much, i would write a lot.
If only my english proficiency could do better, i would have engaged in journalism. Or as novalist. I still have this dream parked temporary aside so that i could stop day dreaming and start make a living, to make ends meet.

So yea, so the historical event has begin to settle down to more subtle mode. But it is still damn engaging and i just got so much to say but to no audience. Yea i can talk to my mom but she just not too interested in it. I can talk to my bf but we hardly talk really. So.... i feel imbalance at times.

I have been ignorance for a long time specifically things that could overworked my brain... but this one really spark an interest in me.
Suddenly that dreams to write ignited again.

Sigh.

My New Malaysia. Negaraku Malaysia.

It has been a historical week for all Malaysian.

On the faithful day of May 9th 2018, Malaysian has shown a powerful will to overturn a corrupt government in the most democratic way in our 14th general election. 

I have registered myself as a voter 1 year before the due date and I kept reminding myself that i could not affort to miss this event again after witnessing the horrer of how dirty and low the last election was. I decided there and then that this government has to go. 

Thus, without studying much on what the opposition has to offer, i casted my vote to support them, my one humble vote and wishing hard that they will be granted a victory. After all, the oppostion group has been fighting for the past 60 years with no financial support and all of them came from very briliant educational background, all for the sake of speaking for Rakyat's wellfare. When all they fight for was not for the personal gain, you know they are pretty genuine. (other than for power of which they were denied pretty much and in term of wealth, they are pretty poor cuz they just depends on public donations of cuz it is different when you win a state or two of which the opposition only has 2 states)

So lets examine...

The right will, checked.

The passion and new blood, checked.

New direction and agendas, checked.

The rightful leader... erm... checked twice!

And then came Tun Mahatir wanting to right what was wrong and collectively binded all the opposition parties known as Pakatan Harapan. As the name suggested, a hint of hope to the country which was under the clouds of bribery at large, scandals shamed by all international news and Menteri with low life ill mannerism. 

Thus came the battle. So many dramas and dirty tricks saw along the day. But the most alarming thing that surfaced out of this crazy ride was the displays of unity by rakyat in so many levels of supports. From the highest level by politician to the very minor details if supports being given by rakyat. 

Media.. only certain pages in FB that runs independently manage to deliver us truthful news while other media were government linked.

A burst of patriotism suddenly ignite out of the blue no thanks to the sacrifices made by many unsung heroes that enable this miracle to happen.

On the 10th of May 2018. Malaysia made a world wide record for overturning a 60 yrs strong gigantic government by Barision National. 

It shocked many if us specifically the Barisan Nasional team. Many dreams came true that very day. 

Tun mahatir became the oldest prime minister being elected. 

Despite many grandmother dramas of which are very disturbingly exciting, we manage to pull through successfully.

I have never been prouder to be called as a Malaysian.

A reborn. A reformation. A clean start. However this is only the beginning. I hope the country will continue to be blessed with inteligence and dignity.

That the government elected by Rakyat will do its very best for Malaysian 1st and foremost.

And to hunt for those corrupt individuals.

I love my country. 

An influencial lady said on the tv that pregnancy makes a woman better likewise when a woman is very much loved by her man.

I am sold for that.

Cuz i am that kind of person. I wont be agreeing to every advise my man has given me but i will do it out of love and guilt shall i not listen to the man who love me genuinely.

As at now he was kinda successful halfway. Sometimes. I know he care. At times i need more commitment and evidence. And plus i am stubborn. Not many people are allow to lecture me.

I am very happy that you finally become much better and stronger in person. Except that big panda eyes u have, you appear okay. So energetic :)

I really like it when u blow my hair dry. That was a sweet lovely gesture. It feels intimate.

I like you singing infront of me. Although sometimes you just purposely do it to annoy me, i feel warm knowing that u feel at ease and that you are trying to tease and make me laugh at the silly tricks of yours.

I like it when u told me about your family. Your past stories cuz it holds values from where you came from and how they shape you into you.

I already miss you so bad.
I wanna hold your hand and feel you next to me.
That would be waiting till another paktor date.

Take care baby.

Best wishes and blessing for your mama and your family.

Be strong dear.
I wish you find your happiness again and i wish that i got to contribute into your well being.

The old place we called it.

The mall we frequent to. 

The first place you fulfilled my desire to eat the most expensive ice cream

 that i know of.

That day i knew that a boy remembered his promise.

And today he is my one and only.

I have yet to eat my second cone cuz we were always late and in a rush for dinner or movie.

I dont know what is there for us in the coming days but right now holding hand with you wherever we are is my favourite activity.

I only wish for your good health physically and emotionally. 

The rest of others issues like suitability and insecurities... i guess time will tell. There is no one man show in a relationship.

I cant force things that speaks answers to my doubts. Thus i might as well just leave it to the flow. 

My heart knows better.

When it comes to feeling, im not confused.

Only when it comes to action, im restricted by emotion.

You say that there is no maths in relationship. There is no ratio or amount of who loves who better or more. 

You just love and let things come naturally.

Fair share of love is never too overwhelming to ask for right?

Despite everything else, i had a great limited hours with him. Im glad he is getting better.

Please keep your health as priority.

When i was most down, 2 of my best friends sensed that and quickly texted me if im okay.

I guess their sensitivity matches mine. Haha...
I was really touched and im happy that despite we hardly meet one another, you girls just know me.

Joanne and Kheng, thank you. If i was on the verge of suicide, you gals might have just saved my life.

But i wasnt.

I was really having a bad mood and bad thoughts.
Work and relationship and my family.

All of them are out of my control and i was not able to calm my mind at all.

But then i realized i got my friends worried. And it was the time i gotta wake up.

We have talked again about my feeling and although i was not convinced by his words, i know he cares. We dated over the weekend after a fucking deadly week in the bank.

It finally feels like our good old time in the longest time.

It is almost one year since your mom passing.
That whole month was so dreadful for us and i never ever want you to go through that period anymore. Never again.
I cried almost everyday thinking of your well being while try to be tough to cover both your needs and work.

I wanted to hold you so badly and just let you release but i couldnt. You dont want me there.

Tell me love. Talk to me.

Anything that i could so long my love persist.
My vow to our love.

To her. To you.

.....

I guess i really have been hiding and lazying for a good long time. Hmmp how many months have I been away from being viewable?

Well im just being dramatic. So short of time. So many things has or going to happen.

Only time will tell if those things are good or bad.
My Biz M got promoted to another branch as branch manager. While internal promotion got my OIC to become new biz M. Already foresee many disturbances and changes in negative ways. I dont wish to stay put in this hellish place too.

While, same old same old.
I have been feeling grey as usual.
Nothing too fancy.

Still wondering how much my boy loves me.
Still wondering how to love and be loved.
Without meeting mutual needs, how long can we last?

Sometimes when i look at you and i feel so unsure of us.
There is so much love i have for you but i dont know which way to channel to you.
While i continue to wonder why am i having this feeling that you dont love me enough.

How enough? What is enough you may ask?
When you feel it is enough, that is enough.

I feel so lacking.
You resisted to feed me assurance.
I dont know why.
I wonder by the time you tell me that you love me, we have probably lose this fight.

There were times i teared up when i think about us, because the idea of breaking up crosses my mind.
It hurts me to even think about it. This detachment would destroy me.

I suppose breaking up with someone you love is harder than breaking up with someone who loves you more.
The empathy bond is easier to break than a addictive bond.

I have tried to convince myself to find the hidden 'i love u' sign in everything you say or do. So little reference. So little indicators.
I am really tired. Im so very tired.
Everything is taking a toll on me.
People that i wasnt given the option to choose.
And they werent very kind.
Everything is so stressing but please dont be you.

I shouldnt be stressing over your unquestionable love for me.
I should be celebriting everytime someone ask about us.
I should be lighted up whenever i speak of you.

The thought of breaking up got me chocked up.
Does it ever cross your mind too?

Dear love,

Im a deprived being and im sorry if i make you suffocate too.
Im like a black hole that sucks you away from being you.

If this denied yearning and self doubts continues, i am scare that i will make the wrong decision.

Either way we may end up making the wrongest decision.
But i dont want you to be wrong.

I love u, still.

You have start to pick up a new hobby. Something that doesnt involve me cuz i have no expertise on and we dont see me wanting to pick the interest up.

The new hobby requires your focus and dilligence and time investment. Im happy that you find your passion.
But will that passion require you to sacrifice our already sacred time together?

It feels like de javu...
Will we continue to drift apart?
:(

My funny valentine.

My unconventional boyfriend.

Our 1st. I wish it is not the last.

I hope that everytime i cry you would cradle me just like yesterday.

It was the safest embrace i ever had.

I dont want to cry because of you or us.

Im sorry i couldnt shake the mood away.
I was so bothered by yesterday stubornness and my ego. Then she has to come in the picture and ruin my day. Why must she ruin my day?! What did i owe you??

With the stupid delayed period and these unneccessory disturbance, i got so caught up with emotion. I cant see pass them. Im not happy with it. I just want to have a good day with my baby.

I dont have many days like that. I have countable hours. I need my assurance fed. I dont want to share these hours with others.

Please help me.
How do i fix this?

Instead of really just enjoy the times we had, i end up spoiling my own date.

Im sorry dear.

Im so suffocated.

We dont know how to love each other the right way.

Thanks for your sweet gesture to my mom. I know it is out of your comfort zone.

You are a good man.
And i love you.

But i would like to have less days questioning if you do love me the same.

May we have more great dates ahead so that every date is my valentine's day.

So that i dont fuss any specific date that i couldnt have enough or not celebrated.

My bff said that me and my boyfriend is in a crisis.

Haha... what a brilliant way to call the situation'ship'.

Despite the fact that i truly love him. And the fact that he said he do too.
Wait. He never say he loves me.
Words are cheesy huh? So, he is a man with action.
But with limited action so i guess at times i feel it, many a time i dont.

I dont believe it wholeheartedly. I really would want to. But i dont know how for now. I dont even know if this is my insecurity issues or lack of convincing actions by le bf.

I was touched when he drove me to hq interview last wednesday all the way from tampin to seremban and to KL. A short paktor date. I was more looking forward to our short paktor date than the exploratory interview. The interview could be a big deal, could be not. But i dont think i present myself too well. More like a lecture in the room.

This is how rare our dates are. So sacred. So precious.
Despite the fact that we worked under the same roof and that his physical hometown is 45 min from mine.

When logics came into the debate against defenses that my heart keeps throwing in, i become very unbalance.

I just cannot deny that a lot of times i really feel lonely. And i wonder after the talk we had on that evening, will things get better?

I will never force you do things that you wouldnt do. But if that is the right thing to do, you might need to perhaps work on your comfort zone and weight on the importance of them. Maybe you have yet to have confidence in our relationship. That is the only reason i could name which loosely translate that you dont love me that much... hmmp. Maybe i think too much but this is exactly how i feel. Do you ever feel that i love you any less? You will only feel i love you too much. Feeling cant lie.

I dont bug you too much on daily basis cuz i know you dont like it. While you dont know how to make me feel secure... maybe you just dislike doing that.
You got better things to do than to make your gf feel good eventhough she dont see you daily.

I dont know if this is the way you love your gurlfriend. Maybe your ex never demanded too much from you. But i dont want to be your ex and im not your ex yet.

When a woman feel something is off, mostly it is true. When i feel that you dont love me, you either dont love me enough. Or you just dont.

You have not even date me for vday.  You may be a traditional man with no excitement to all these dates or anniversary. But if you dont expect me to expect that i wish to spend those days with you, then we are really in a serious crisis. I even have to remind you that i have friends waiting for me if i am available on Vday. I dont want to spend the day wasted feeling alone when i actually have a bf. If that is so, your presence have no value to me. Or i guess maybe it is my presence that possess no value to you.

We dont get to spend much time together. Thus specific datings becomes crucial to me.
Last year you wish me happy valentine day on 11.45pm after i came out watching deadpool with my bestfriend. We were stuck in the phase of courtship then.
But if this year you make me wait for your invitation but only to dissapoint me and do the same as last year. I will break up with you.
To prevent this catastrophic event, i have alerted you on my back up plan. And demanded you to tell me if you would want to spend the day with me. If not please do tell me earlier.
Now, am i being overwhelming?
Have i not been kind and considerate?
Im giving my bf a way out for him to excuse himself shall he not wanted to spend vday with me.

To be honest, having a bf doesnt mean you need to have him in my every day life. But if having bf but still living like i have nobody, then something must be wrong. He become merely like a good dreams which visited me some days in a month.


Help me to understand this.
I dont know how to calm mountains of questions and discomfort.
We have talked many times about this. The outcome are still the same.
At the end i only got myself to blame cuz i demanded too much.

Maybe im just needy.
Im sorry.

Help me battle this inner devil.

I set myself a new FB page. 

Instead of spamming my wall i can spam a page of which people will choose to stay put with my random wisdom quotes, by willingness.

Lmao.

I have wanted to do it for a long time.

I love poetic. But im no way close to Lang leav.

And i have so much things to talk about but not many of them can be publicly discussed. And all my friends are so far away from me. Imagine a book full of lives but sitting in a shelf with no attention given. Yea... that is me. 

And my blog is far from any sign of positivity. 

Thus it has been refrained from being share out and im hiding it time to time to prevent satelites and loud speakers to tell everyone my unpublic love story. 

Yet. Not yet. I dont know how and why and when it would be. Dont ask me. Decision is not in my hand. 

Leo has always been open. I would have wanted the world to be happy for me that im lovingly attached. I would love to share how nice it has been to finally call him mine. Or yet. Of cuz along with many hiccups and some dramatic nonsense and pms posts with lotsa unspoken sourness from just my point of unfair views. 

Im just playing along the rules.

The volcano is still young and immature. Before it stabilizes i guess it is wise everyone leave this volcano alone to work out its things. 

Yes. Let us work out fine and when things is finally right, my man will proudly acknowledge and announce our romance accordingly.

I bet he wont. But we will see. 

Does it matter?

As an assurance to my insecurities and my pride, yes it does matter.

...

I think i dont just have ocd. Im developing cronic multiple personality disorder too. Muahahaha...

Before the kind and lovely joanne came back into the picture.. imma gonna post this out and unprivate my account again. 

So long beaches. 😏👿

Our dates do not come easy. So it makes so much sense for me to have every date a highlight. Silly me. I wonder if this happen to other people too.

Im so happy with most Sunway Velocity has to offer. Both the accommodation and the mall.

And of course him.

I love it when you smile and started to take care of yourself.

Posting this made me miss you already.

There will be another long break before we can pamper ourselves again. :(

Sales convention is this coming weekend and you would be occupied with people and functions.

Take good care and relax dear.

He doesnt really like taking photo and being taken in photo. So these are all candid shots.

I was very moody after you sent me home. And the talk we had about the problem im facing made me certain that i did not choose the wrong guy.

You are not just a listener, you are a thinker. You solve problems.

You can be reliable if you care and im glad im in the priority list. 

Thank you dear.

If only i can have more of you instead of just hearing most of you.

2017/2018. Wishing upon the stars.

Happy Birthday Love

Thank you Mrs Koo for such a beautiful man you made him be. 

Bless him with good health and happiness for him to continue your legacy, to care for the family.

He is a wonderful sweet family boy :)

I will support his route to recovery and continuous passion to be well in life, as long as i am capable of.

Checked in on the eve of new year to Ibis Style KL hotel after much negotiation with babe for which accomodation to choose from. He said must get the best deal wor... I made a special noting to the hotel that we have a birthday boy and we came into the room with this view. 

I was laughing so hard and was jumping around. I think i was more amused by it than it surprises my boy. But he kept the balloon fight on and obviously i was the victim. Ciss... i provided him bullet to knock me out.... notty ass. 

Feast for my king.

New year at Mid Valey. We tried the premium GSC seats for the movie All The Money In The World. Damn the seats. Very uncomfortable. Why are the more expensive seats got my back feeling more sore... Hmmp.

We end the day by singing the whole night away. The last time we sang karaoke was in July. The month we almost called it quit. 

Baby has a great voice. Wasted if he does not train it and get it be judged if it could potentially goes somewhere. 

Didnt manage to blow a candle with you this year. Im not even sure if you would want to. But i think a prayer, a warm wish and a sincere thought for your well being and our well being are more delightful.

2017 broke your heart and forces you to be strong regardless you are ready or not. Not a day im okay knowing you are not fine. 

Who are we kidding right?

Recovery is just a word we use to tell people hey, i have move on. Life goes on and i have to brave the world with an obvious heartbreak you cant possibly see but guess what? I have n will continue to live on.

And you would and im not gonna let you face it alone. I thought i couldnt take care of someone else anymore after my dog passed on. 

Never know how love really functions huh? 

It this isnt love, i dont know what it is at all. 

Dear love, i could never replace the most important lady in your life. 

But i hope when you see me, you can see a similar warm, love, confidence and joy in me.

Embrace every low for every celebration because it will never be the same. Be brave.

2018; to ensure and help my love rise up. Let him and family be protected. Let them be blessed with health and family harmonious.

Blessed my family and let their dreams come true.

And my best friends too... hope they all continue to be well and happy.

Mine? Lets just ensure all of them get what they wish for while ill take care of myself. 

I just seek for the luxury of freedom for space n time to travel places with my love. 

That would be very nice. 

Im not hard to negotiate with. Im not greedy for myself. That is a great deal right? 

:)

Im not ready to face 2018.

But i cant wait to detach 2017 either.

So i kinda stuck in this stuffy buffer period and thank goodness im not working these 2 days.

Happy marriage Woon Pei Chen. Sorry i missed your wedding. I wish nothing but the very best marriage life ahead of you. You sweet petite bunny, be happy always okay?!

2017;  a year of loss and gain.

I dont know how life judges its nature and how it truly works. The best person might not be able to get to live longer while the innocents cant be exempted from sickness and pain. And then there are us striving to live and not always being contented.

And there are others who couldnt get passed dramas, traumas... 

Life is too short. You never know it is over until it is too late. Some people never get to say goodbye.

Yet many of us take it for granted of what we already have. Sinners. When will i learn too?

2018 resolution! Lets just keep things simple.

1. Work out lar... 52kg in 3 months.

2. Promotion by year end.

3. Dress well to work every fucking day!

30 is my new 27!

Kthxbai. Ciao!