Yours.

Was it too early? Will it ever be too early?

Mostly it is just the perception of time.

Am i ready? Will i ever be ready?

I was very much certain with my choice from the very beginning. Our relationship was a delying one and i didnt get to make a decision for us. But when it finally materialized, the up coming decision become mine.

There was no hesitation. There was no doubt.

My certainty was as solid as rock. 

I choose you and i will choose u one thousand times over again.

It came so natural and it was a no brainer to me.
That requires a lot of trust and love.
With you, those were never a question deary.

The day started late and we checked in around 5pm.

It was a gloomy day. Whole of seremban was in heavy rain for 2 hours.

But PD was superbly kind. Windy and lovely weather. I got pranked by love. I was told that we would be going to have a staycation at a place called WinWin boutique hotel which really exists cuz i went for a checking myself earlier.

We drove to Avillion Admiral Cove hotel cuz he set me up to be the driver while he check the waze and the whole we-got-lost story and the urgency of a nature call. 

It was the sweatest prank ever and i cant believe he pulled it off so romantically. And boy isnt him charming the whole of yesterday.

Waking up to this beautiful sea view.

Way to win me, love.

Muaksss.

The view over breakfast strolling.

Dinner at restaurant by the beach. Food... meh.

But the beach... i bet the sand feels soft as powder.

But love catches a cold and it was too dark to walk about. 

Make up-less face. We both hardly get some sleep. Hmmp. Unfamiliar bed and 2 insomnia kakies....

Pity baby. He was so tired :(

And he gotta work on a Saturday.

Making our gateway even shorter.

Thank you love for everything.

You dont talk about love very much but you show it whenever we have time for us.

Love u.

Vol 3.

Dear Love.

*shy*****

It's crazy how one person can make you feel so shy but brave at the same time.
It's crazy how you know how much you can love one person so much and receive it back at the same time.

This journey came so late to me and i dont know what is the reason behind all these delays. But eventually it leads me to you. If those passer-bys have worked out then i wouldnt have met you.

Cheesy but true.

2 days ago i didnt intentionally find fault with you but we kinda adopt this "please tell all or we are pretty done" kinda communication and it happened.
So i asked you so many questions which i normally will bring to grave with my mouth sealed shut no thanks to my ego.

And you answered them with sincerity of which i took it without much doubts. That kills away my anxieties and my discomforts. After all i just want to understand. And all i ever wanted is to know why having no comparison as guidence.

I know i have my demands and i dont want you to felt chocked up. But i wanted this relationship to work and not just let go like previous flings.
Im not sure i can lose you like anyone else before you.

Unless you wanted to let me go.

And so came our 3rd week dried non dated date.
You were mostly occupied with work while i just keep waiting untill we finally have the time of our own.

Seen you so hardworking made me feel pleased.
Im drawn to efforts and wisdom in a man.
And your kindness. Minus overthinking.

Things happens and then we got some hiccups towards the end of the day.
Baby please know that no matter what happen, i will not let you go through them alone anymore.

Its crazy your emotions are so contagious to me.
Your laugh makes me gigles.
Your anger scares me. Pls dont be mad when you are with me.
Your sadness makes me cry.
It hurts me so bad i wish to lift it away from you.
Your being affects me.
Your presence are comforting and pleasent.
So long you are happy and well. Everything else doesnt matter.
With you it is love.
I am very clear headed. I wish that you feel that and of the same too.

Right there and then i knew you are more than just my boyfriend.

We went 2nd base.
And it was the most beautiful and wildest moment we had thus far.
Hugging is dangerous. Thanks for highlighting it.
I finally see why.
Haha... im loving every bit of it.

Let's make every wish of yours came true.
Mine is simple. Really. As complicated as i am, i am very easily satisfied.

Your happiness is mine.

Let us miss her together.
She is someone i loved through you.
She made you the man i loved.
The kindest and the modest man.
The old soul.
The one that never fail to remind me to drink water.

I love you baby.
Muaks

Vol 2.

The problem about me is that i always either say nothing or i say too much.

Saying partially is not my norm. If you see me doing that then perhaps there is something that i couldnt resist anymore but you are not giving me enough comfort to burst out.

Funny how you used to be that person who manage to let me free flowing confessing all out but now it feels more restrictive.

I guess it is because the topics now include us and not just me.

Im not happy with what happenned this week.
But you were not the first person to know.
I couldnt feel your presence and you were sick too and i dont wish to bring this up the next day.

Bringing wrong topic at the wrong timing is another killer. Im really sad to hear the tone of your voice and how it was reverted to me.
It almost seems like you were not open up for discussion and that what i said was pointless.

End up i just shut down conversation and i woudnt wanna argue further. You have your statement and ill just rest my case.  When a judge said you were wrong and you know it was just hopeless to get your appeal going knowing it is going to further damage the result, you will just give up.

Not admitting defeat. Not agreeing but to just let it go. It wont help or solve the issue but lets just see what it will bring.

What surprises me was the consoling that came right after i thought we both gave up that night.
That was the man i fall for.

A man who wouldnt let me sleep angry.
Knowing i wont be able to sleep.

I know nothing is perfect.
But right at this moment i need a lot of attention and i crave for your assurance.

I felt like im in a long distance relationship.
One that kenot be told and be cherished upon.

Overthinking kills. But if saying this all out made me sound crazy and desperate than i might as well just shut the fuck up.

I felt like i am not asking too much but i felt like im chocking you. I dont want that love.

How do i fix this?
I complicate things but love, you knew i was a chaotic person. Would you always be the one that calms the thunder and silence my fears and insecurities?

I wish i am easy.
I wish i am simple.
I thought i am simple.

Apparently innocents doesnt mean simple.

I know you would try.
But if one day you felt that i do you more harm than love. Please do tell me.

I will be okay.
I rather be in pain than to watch you suffer pain.

Among all words that people used to tell me is that i always think too much.

You said that too.

Vice versa. 

But dont leave me alone too long with no assurance cuz i will really complicate things.

Im a terribly manja being and i love attention from the loved one. Very. I dont need material stuff or fancy dates. I just want an undivided attention, a warm hand to hold and a caring shoulder to lean on.

Low maintanence. 

High assurance. 

Sounds complicated already.

We had some topics last thursday which got the warm night became cold.

It wasnt an intended question. I dont like the answers but i respected that.

Sometimes we do things for our loved ones eventhough we dislike it. But because it makes that person happy, there is no harm trying with negotiated term and condition.

I hope you understand this.

You knew me very well and the fact that i care about you above all else, i will never force you to do anything you dont want to.

Fight for each other. Not with one another.

I have fight to stay put despite everyone ask me to stop waiting. Despite past tense n future tense calling. I still prefer my presence. 

Ohh... they always said that i expect too much as well.

I never really understand how i got this label but now i kinda understand it. I always have a visualization on my partner. A pressure i put on others and a misery i created for myself.

As i get elder, expectation worn off bit by bit as i got to understand that everyone is flawed. Perfection wouldnt want me and i wouldnt find us matching.

We came a long way. We dont stumble to each other. We crossed path and we got hiccups along the journeys. It was a lot of effort and many of the letting go but still try on and denials. 

I thought to myself that it was not suppose to be this hard. But then i forgotten i was difficult to be loved.

Many ppl come by and shown affection. But they leave too soon and give up eventually.

You were the only one who really stuck hard and persist.

Im sorry cuz i would appear insecure at times cuz i am really an insecure person. Coming from what i had and whatever shaped my past tense, i will have a tendency to please people i care for to keep everything okay. But deep down i might have a volcano erupting in my head. I will be overly sensitive towards changes in tone of voices, message delivery patterns and even facial expression.

With me you have to be open. You have to tell me and assure me. Dont let me have a guessing mind cuz mostly it goes haywired. Meanwhile i will learn to be less chaotic. I hope you have patient to fix this while showing me enough to kill this anxiety for good.

Feeling cant lie. That day i held on to your hand for a very long time and you asked me why. I have no answer to that. I just hope that night will continue to last longer or just stays at pulse mode.

I was really savouring the moment. 

That this at this moment it was real. 

That security i held onto was mine to protect and love who loves me back.

Since the day my dog passed away, I could never find warm in someone else arms and hugs.

You gave me that exact feeling i long lost. :)

Give us strength to walk on stronger.

Love, Vol. 1. 

Oh love.

What can i do to make you feel loved?

Would you appreciate your health better?

I know every festival now will be difficult to endure.

I have no word to console you. Because no word can do. No word would ever bring back the one person you love the most.

I only wish that you will allow me to be with you throught this journey. Let me walk with you.
I am not blessed with a sweet mouth.
But do not deny my capacity to love and my sincerity to want you feel protected and happy.

Please dont push me away.
Please. It hurt me more than you are hurting yourself.

I miss playing candles.
I just find no meaning playing it now.
Event my younger cousins no longer do so.

Would we bring back festival joy in each other?

You have been a brave boy today.
I like that you face your problem with fear than to cowardly run for easy option.
It wasnt comfortable but it is the only option to avoid it once and for all deary.

I will reward you :)

Guess guess...

:3