30th August 16

August is coming to an end.
Plan A B C failed. Haha...wtf joanne.
I noe i noe... im such a loser.
Ive volunteer the plans. But participant is not interested. Or is lazy.

You know what, seriously...
Old habit die hard. My ego never hurt me.
Cowards did.

I hate that i let dejavu caught me. Again.

Same old stories brand new characters.
Same old venue brand new topics.
It is like a wheel rotating on the same axis on its same faithful designed function.

Kindness.
Kindness not always serves good.
Some kindness could be wrong and misleading.
It can gone haywire.

Perhaps i was receiving kindness.
Not love.
Im loving this kindness. Comfort assurance.
But somehow nothing further.
I wonder why.

Im thankful for your kindness cuz you helped me go through hellish time.
Basically im recovering.
There is one more thing you can do.

Dont throw me back to the same dungeon that you had saved me from.
If we arent from the same page as i thought, lead me to the light. See me shed the past and make life interesting again.

I dont want to play guessing game.
It makes me feel stupid.
For liking someone who dont feel the same.
Time after time.

Happie Merdeka Malaysia.

***

5 years ago today i met you.
I thought to myself how ever perfect you are.
You are everything that i adore.
I will never forget how embarrassed i was on that faithful day.
I was the worst tour guide ever. Ever!
Then there were other meet up but i was really too shy and too preoccupied with my own thoughts.
I cant recalled much of our meet up details.


The 1st concert was with u. One republic at sunway lagoon. You must have thought damn this chic is boring. Haha...
But riding the motorcycle in the night life of KL, you showing me parts of KL with its brighlights was still the most romantic thing ive been through.


If one day you ever read me, i appologize on my obssession and whatever you have read me here about my krazy thoughts about everything i thought of us and stuff. It was just my head and the mess, they gotta go somewhere and they end up here.
Damn im crazy. But i have really liken you.

When i saw you finally is in a relationship this valentine' day i thought to myself that she must be the lucky girl. She is such a delight visually and both of you look well togather.
Best of luck getting laid Malcom. Haha...
I remembered you often talk about that last time.
I often wonder if i do not hold back on trying my luck, would i stand a chance?
Things happen for a reason dont they?

***

Obssession is the worst feeling ever.
I always try to avoid being obssess with something so that if it doesnt fall right on my lap, i wont be so heartbroken.

But when one got me desired and occupied my  attention that is when the clash between head n heart occurs. The collision sucks man.
I dont like what i do when im obssess with someone.
When i cant control myself ill control the setting on devises or ill occupied myself with little time for relaxation.
Zero free time for the mind to hallucinate again.


Im doing it over and over.
One day ill reach my emotional freedom.
I dont wanna feel anything any more.
Not everything you love loves you back.
Not everything you care cares you back.
Not everyone who shows that he cares and loves you truly loves you.
He could be just showing you kindness and your obssession single mindedly ruled that he loves you.
And that dissapointment sucks.

I got pissed off recently over small built matters. It seems that my pms doesnt just tied down to 1 week b4 period. Haha... goodness. Just spare me already. What have i done to pissed whoever u there to blessed me strong hormonal fluctuation?

Karma is a bitch baby.

Hmmp.
Let go.
Dont let go.

So close yet so far.
Thanks for all the memories.
Im seeking emotional detachment.
Freedomist...
I need a far away vacation.
A place where i dont have to tense up to care and give a fucking damn on everything.
Im so tired.

Quates often says do not find a better man.
Find a man who can make you a better person.
You can love someone so much so that it fixes her.
I thought i found him this time.
But ive forgotten that im very much like harley quinne.
It was just me and some voices in the head.

The tought came to me today again.
I really dont mind not having it.
But i cannot being denied when one got me ignited.

Last year today.
Same old feeling.
Better. Deeper.
And if it crashes,
Oh how it kills.

**

September is coming.
Time to revoke and execute some plans.

50th Anniversary Birthday 06082016

Happie Birthday Public Bank.

6th of August 2016 marked an exact 50 years of PBB's glory.

Few regions celebrated it the same day with HQ. My region's was celebrated at The Hatten Hotel, Melaka.

Me n my gal went for our makeup at 12pm at Seremban town. I used to love being makeup for performances back in university time. But this round i actually was fearful about it. 1stly i recalled the incident that i have decline the lady boss's loan application. 2nd was because she seems old school. 3rdly she wanna spike my hair. I told her to be mindful. She said that although I looked wild but internally aint so wild at all. Dammit lady! We took off from seremban around 1.30pm. The journey was smooth but the route in Melaka town was hellish. And ofcuz i was the driver.

This year everyone gotta be early as we will have live telecast from HQ celebration with Tan Sri Chairman. We made it at 4pm to collect doorgift and checked in to hotel as we decided to stay overnight.

We almost do everything together and i like making her believe that i am a lesbo. Haha...she is never used to girly stickiness... oh my goodiness... a mantra she always use. She is the 1st best thing ever happen to me in Pbb. She is likeable and not a calculative girl at all. Independent and smart :)

If i am really gay, ill definitely hunt you down. Hahaha... im not kidding.

She brings youth to my branch of which i thought mine drowned long time ago.

Then US happen.

I named our group FlyLikeAG6.

Dont ask me why. It just came to me when i set up a watsapp group. I guess the song might have pops up somewhere while i was asked to name the group.

This photo was taken by ms lim who sat opposite us.

Something about this photo i like very much.

We were physically apart but it seems lovely and warming.

Something about you make me feel demure and womanly. 

Sigh.

The more i step in, the harder i'll crash and burn.

I wonder who will catch me when i fall again this round.

Current Pbb Seremban Branch.

This is just part of us. But the ratio is correct. Women to men is 8:2

Hahaha... see why i was single for the past fucking 5 years in bank?

This is one of my favourite selfie on that day.

Nobody can take my photo better than myself.

Some people just know how to take good photos but some it takes the loved one to stand behind the lense.

He dislike taking photo. And he never take my photo as well let alone a wefie.

If i were to judge how much he likes me through all these small act of affection, i guess we will be as distance as strangers.

I started to love taking photo of the moment because

I want to remember better with the slightest details.

The where, The how, the which, the who

The face, the smile, the us...

You dont understand.

You dont.

You dont want to.

 Today is the 4th day i didnt see you.

It has been too long since the last time you gone MIA.

Hmmp. Maybe i can get used to it.

I have great adjustment to new environment.

I may not be happy but i can survive.

If you wish to back off anytime soon, perhaps do it sooner.

Im sorry im not the typical gal who just know what and how to do. Im as innocent and insecure as you may see and as ego as you should see.

My deepest condolence to you and family over your grandma passing. Sorry for not being able to share your grief and it seems im never good in handling such situation. 

I just know when it happen to me, i only have myself to cry to.

Le surprise friday

If you are reading me today, you would find me utterly cute and down right humiliating to have even guess that the confession was your surprise.

What was i thinking!!

He kept asking me to guess as we continued to head to Seremban 2. And we went to Aeonbig. Yet i still couldnt guess it until he drove up to 2nd floor parking and we faced greenbox.

That was really a big surprise dude.
I got overwhelmed and i couldnt hide my excitement plus nervousness as well.
I was like why wouldnt i guess it...

Earlier of the months i would pester him about singing with me but he kept denying it. I gave up long time.

Perhaps i was too obssess with the idea that he would finally confess to me.

I guessed wrong.

It was a great evening and it started off quite funny. Both of us were shy about starting it. I took the lead and very quickly he warmed up too after we ate our buffet.

Another good vocalist. He has a different tone, one i have yet to encounter. Damn high pitch wei...
Still i perfer your happie bday song. My happie bday song on my day... la la la...

I guess the illusion of you in my head dissapoint me yet again. I thought you would date me on Vday. You didnt. I thought you would date me on my bday. You didnt, sincerely. I thought you would finally confess on friday as you told me about a surprise i kept asking. You didnt.

In all the occassions, you were there, close and warm but you denied everything that i wish you would.

Did we try enough?
Im losing patient and it is getting on my nerve.
This got me thinking what a real relationship is?
Would i rather be in a relationship and not having this connection? Or that I should wish for a certainty to bring value to this relationship?

I dont think of you as a player.
I genuinely see you as a good man.
I dont know if you understand what you want.
Or that you are certain of your feeling.
There are a lot of things in between, of which might make you change your mind.

What i know is simple.
I like you. And love should be simple.
It is not suppose to be filled with so many doubts and delayed certainty.

Perhaps you have your own planning and maybe i was rushing in for no reason.
But one thing i know dearly of, confession need courage. Maybe it is not there yet or that i dont worth your's yet.

I would not talk about this anymore cuz it will just exposes how vulnerable i am to this wild thing called love. I just wish to enjoy my time now in august.
You have already been given ample of time to prove yourself.

I dont like to be questioned.
But i question myself everyday.
And i was being questioned everyday.
So many 8pozai n 8po nui.
Sigh.

I know i have your priority too.
I just cant help my pms and today sensibility is low.
This is the most raw of me and most heartfelt you could ever read me.
You have occupy my attention and my interest and when i really care of someone, all i ever wanted from them is their happiness.
I just want you to be happy.
Best if i could be the reason of it but if you are best without me, i would walk out myself.

Just be clear with me.
Okay?

Dont be dejavu.

Happy 28th tcher jo. 4th August 16

A date which was suppose to be on the 3rd.

But im glad it falls on the 4th. So i could again play the master coordinator.

The car gave up on me with almost flat front tyres before i went out. So i have no choice but to drive my brother's car of which im not comfortable in. 

Rushed to get the precious ballons at s2 before getting ah lek at rahang. The ballons are the best idea ever. Im a romantic freak if u must know.

But only if you worth a lot to me.

And dammit it jo, you mean a lot to me.

The helium ballons occupied almost the whole back passengers seat. Blocking back mirror's view. Horror i tell you. But i cant lose it now. Steady!

The face when i, lek n jo saw the ballons for the 1st time was the same. That excitement was just so awesome.

We brought the ballons all the way to PD. Ky brought me there before. A restaurant at pd that is famous for its seafood and sunset view.

I love it. And i bet they love it too.

It was a great location for photo shooting especially for a bday gal with candid ballons.

I wish someone could do the same for me.

I dont need fancy expensive gift.

I only need thoughtful display of affection. 

Bloody simple and yet the simplest thing is always the most difficult thing to pull through.

Ofcuz bday gal must blow some candle on cake.

I couldnt find the delicate firework candle.

We crashed at pd waterfront at mcd for hersays sundae cone and starbuck just to chill and blow candle. Prior to that we walked around the place and drawing attention from passerby. Im pretty sure they were all jealous. Haha...

Dear love.

You are special to me in every way.

It is not everyday you wake up and got to meet an awesome silly girl like you along the way to work or sumthg. You dont get to build a friendship over 15 years so easily and who understand you inside out like we did.

As complicated as our mind are, our needs are simple. Correct me if im wrong.

Although i dont have much faith in god n life itself, but if i were to count my luck, you are definitely one of the top in my list.

Love always, 

From the least desperate of our union trio.

Muahahaha.....

Counting down the day ahlek no longer need to fly back to work at sarawak and us as often again.

Thinking out loud

Not every year wishes will come true.

The fact that i met someone this year make more of my crazy wishes not coming true. Those include taking solo wedding shooting, getting a tattoo, bday escape gateway among others.

The worst that could happen was dejavu revisits.

Me against the world. God.

Seriously. I dont mind not having. But why let me have it but then taken back when it was most delicate and precious?

The fake illusion however perfect it seems like will continue to be fake if there is no actual and definite verification done.

My heart and mind know for real that you and your everything is concrete. Solidly true and sincere.

Actions supposedly speaks louder than words.

Yes. True to the wordings, i have no doubts when im with you. The engagement that we have is not something i have experience before. For that i know it was special. I know you were special.

But i couldnt help it when everyone else seems to take notice on us as an item but yet you continue to deny me the position that i could admit. It matters cuz when it comes to a point where i start to judge on my importance and who am i to you, i got doubtful.

You may take me as a bipolar emotional freak.

I could be super confident in one minute and by another ticking of minute ill be super down and withdrawn.

My bff actually said that i was too stubborn. Too specifed on dates and stuff. Oh god. She is the most stubborn and ego gal i know (we are both so freaking similar.. damn leo). But she got rational. And i dont.

Oh damn oh damn oh damn.


After all these years, i still cant help it. There are a lot of things i can tolerate.

I just cant lose. At least i cant lose the only little faith i have left. When i give, i give a lot. There is no in between or faking it. I dont know how to do things half heartedly. If you know me, you should know it well.


I never wish for mutual benefit. I never ask for payback. But you dont play me. Please dont.

Because when i fall, i fall hard.

And i wont know how to recover.

And i dont know how to forget.

You of all, have experienced this. And you of all have been through my last heart broken stage.

I thought you knew well.

***

The 3rd morning got us tested.

I have nothing to hide anymore with all truth spoken. I have given you the priority card which you have no use. Ive told you that i have waited for you and i feel stupid for waited. I know that if i were to celebrate my bday this year alone or with anyone but you, it wouldnt make any different.

Thus i chose to eat at home with mom.

Denying your last min invitation kills me.

It was what i was waiting for from you.

I knew i would be happy celebrating it with you.

But how you did it turns me off.

Cuz it seems to you that you wouldnt mind that ill be occupied or not.

You said you were trying your luck.

I was close to saying yes but as i confessed that i feel foolish for waiting for you, i said no despite every fibre of my being screaming hell yes.


There is no point if i give my most precious anticipated day to you but we will just be best of friends with your lacking of interest trying your luck kind of invitation. You can have my everyday but i dont want to remember a day so special yet so wasted cuz i failed again another expectation. Anyway the choice ive chose on how to end the day this year kinda pitiful and sad too. What a somber day to remember this year.


It sucks as bad. Perhaps suck more. Worst still, you didnt insist. Ive told you before. With me you have to insist. Unless im convinced that you are convinced. You got it too late while im surprised on how my previous crush could recall all these details of me vividly.

After self pitying, my senses kicked in.

The best gift this year was a dream fulfilled.
Last saturday was a happie date.
And you were right there on the 2nd.
You sang me personal bday song :) 
You got me occupied in between
Not physically. But emotionally. 
You didnt leave me alone.

*touched*


While my sanity fighting off my emotions, you booked me on friday. This time much earlier, much sincere. 

You said you will make another wish of mine come true. 


The hint was: Something i have been asking. Fyi, he was the one who taught me that i should ask.


My earlier guess was: Firework candle on bday cake of which he really forgotten.

2nd guess: His confession.

For the past 8 months, i can only recall the several things i ever ask from you. 

1. Godiva.

2. Random tgif dates n movies.

3. Your delayed confession. Mostly indirect while you act dumb.


If you dissapoint me again, help me set boundaries.
So that i could be single and available again.


Expectation sucks.
But you know what sucks worst?


Denial. 
When it was most certain.

3rd of August 16

"Baby, this is what you came for
  Lightning strikes every time she moves
  And everybody's watching her
  But she's looking at you.... "
*dance n swinging along the you.... you... you...*      haha.

The flower was received on 3rd of august noon when i was guarding customer service season while attending to a very angry customer theatening to complaint my bank thanks to operation department to bank negara. We both were surprise to see the arrival of the flower and immediately he knew it was my bday and wishes me happy birthday before he continue to complain further before hearing me out. 

Adoi. What a day.

I dressed the new gaun and i think i looked perfect. Sadly I wasnt in the mood for a full body length selfie.

The rest of the photos were from 2nd of august.

A date cjx dated me and of cuz the master of coordinator. Despite me able to guess all along, she continue to try and work her hardest to keep me occupied and work the surprises along the way. 

Those who came are definitely in my guessing list but the real surprise was her boy participating and jo n lek. Jo, lek n i were suppose to meet up on thursday. So it never cross my mind that they will come at all.

Last year when i was enduring emotional battle, it was them who stick with me. Kept my sanity in check. We have the same photo taken last year different place on my bday. What a great reminiscence!

Happie bday Jo.

We might be from different background and upbringing but we have similar set of mind and thunking. Haha... trust me. Mostly similar.

Perhaps you are braver. Is that such word as braver?

How often do you get colleagues who care like best friends and make effort to celebrate your bday like this?

You.

So hard to get you in my photo. And damn this one makes you look good while i look like a mad gal.

At least it takes only one take to look well.

I appreciate it.

A lot.

Thank you :)