30 June 16

Last day of June.
Tomorrow will be the starting of the 2nd half of the year. 6 months have passed since.
I have a bad habit of time couting but often fail to keep track.
Today and 2morow is a crucial day cuz i have set a deadline to a decision making. Again. Haha...

Well this time the said person is aware of this matter. Its no biggie. Just a date to Sam Tsui's concert. I think most people know i like him or else i wouldnt have made the effort to buy his ticket without thinking twice. Still its no biggie.
I never wish to force someone to confess or to make any single decision favouring me. Specifically issues as sensitive as relationship or anything related to that.

I dont know what crosses his mind cuz he has maximised the full use of 1 month notice i have given him. But it was me who gave him the luxury of time.
Every feedback from him and how this feedback is presented are telling me something about him.
If he has taken so many days to say no or yes... thats says alot about him.

If there is a no, i would like to know a solid reason. Im open for negotiation. I will have 11 days to seek for a replacement and a back up plan.
I suppose i wont have any problem finding one.

***

My gf told me about office rumours.
I was out for inspection thus didnt join the regular lunch kakis. And done some necessary planning.
Somehow an elder woman colleague ask D on our relationship. He proudly told her that i belong to someone else. He said he will not think of any relationship matter until he is 30 yrs old.
A man with ambition.
At least he has aim and suicide is probably the last thing he has in mind now. And a gf ask if D ever court me now, will i ever accept?

I said too little too late.

***

When a lady in pms be angry with you and give you a hellish time. Most of the time it wasnt really due to pms. It is due to you. For me is a yes. Most of the time i can control my emotion very well even during pms. If i somehow show a nasty side of me to you during that period, it is because of mainly you.

June

Every time i'm confused or almost give up, you will come back calling. With your own way. With unspoken promises :)

If i dont know you earlier i would have thought that you had read me here. But you read me anyway. You often do. And i thought i was a closebook in person. A trait in you i have forgotten you possess due to many randomness that happenned recently. Busy days, complication after my clerk is promoted, your absence, my insecurities and etc.

Eventful saturday. I love it when you took the lead. Cuz i wouldnt be able to guess what you have in mind. Trying new things together. 

A taste of analytical and planing master... 

A good trait capricorn has. 

It would be great if the plans work accordingly to you but it was a great journey we had. 

It was never the where that matters. It was the who you are with. Ofcuz new places do not harm.

Im pretty sure those plans would be super nice. 

Another round perhaps? Would you arrange again? 

It has been long since someone pampered me that way. No concern for the whole day, no disturbance, good weather and a bloody good companion. 

Just lotsa talk and laugh and sharing. 

Im a sucker at spontaneity but im in for a go if i feel protected.

12th July is calling. I have my fair share of plan too. 

Would you be my partner in crime?

Will you keep your assurance going?

25/6/16

Thank you, God. You heard me. Lol

A joke only us shall know. 

Close
Nick Jonas (feat. Tove Lo)

[Nick Jonas:]
Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn
I'm so perplexed
With just one breath, I'm locked in
Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn
I'm so perplexed
On that, it's almost shocking
I know, I know you know you're scared
Your heart, your mind, your soul, your body
They won't, they won't, they won't be careful
But I guess that you don't know me

Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe
Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space
Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too...

Close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no

[Tove Lo:]
Oh man, oh man
I am not really known for ever being speechless
But now, but now somehow
My words roll off my tongue right onto your lips, oh
I'm keeping cool while you keep smiling
Saying all the things I'm thinking
Oh man, oh man
I am like you so I want proof I'm what you're feeling

Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe
Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space
Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too...

[Both:]
Close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no

Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe
Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space
Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too... close

Close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close, ooh
Oh, so close, ooh
I want you close, ooh
Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no
Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no

Phobia once more. Confused as hell.
The last troubled talking: mind vs heart.


This confession is gonna break or make it.

I was asked to confess to stop wasting time guessing.
But the phobia you wish me to face is too huge for me to handle. For now.

He was put on test with our colleague bombarding him with indirect direct questions today.

I felt emberrassed as im not sure how to even react to this. The problem is all of us know what is happening between he and I. But questions like that got him taichi ing around to avoid answering. While me just kept getting more frustrated and more dissapointed.

I know he wish to keep what is happening only between us. But people cant help noticing us. And i cant be only just keep guessing and being treated as KIV.
Im seriously on a very disgusted mode especially when i found that im being entangled in the same spot similar time this year with a totally different boy who share extreme similarities with the last one. Whatever they are different, they are different as north and south poles. But whatever they are alike, they are like twins.

Whatever are alike are pissing me off.
Pls dont play me.
What have i done wrong to deserve this?
Have i been giving you the impression that i love having platonic relationship?
Does it seems to you that im a good flirting partners? Just flirting partner?

I have always been called lansi due to my resting bitch face. Mainly cuz i dont know how to be comfortable with opposing sex beings. Even to date, im still very selective on whom i seek to be around with. And i... i dont know how to be a girl perhaps.
A normal one at least.

Im having this trauma on guessing game. I dont mind not moving forward at the moments and force any kind of commitment. But i wish to have a clear sign on my position and are we moving on the right direction? Or am i hallucinating?
Thinking about that, the 1st mistakenly taken genuine inexperienced confession cost me an unlucky 10 years of relationship ride.
Why Justin? Haha... Why la?

I wish to believe you so much.
But your inconsistency and reluctancy got me questioning your sincerity.
Im very borthered.
Cuz very likely you will be the second guy who make me worth less of half that i already am.
Once bitten twice shy. I have made the same call twice. This is not a mistake by chance. Is by choice. Thus it makes me more of a fool.

Seeking clarity on between what is meant and said.
Enlighten me.
:(

Again.
Im sorry.
I shouldnt have question this.
I just couldnt help it.
I have learnt my lessons.

I have expectation nobody could fills.
Which is why i dont seek no more.
Strange of how i dont believe in god, but i do believe in faith. And faith will always be a choice.
No matter how bad one's life is, there will always be a way out.

Today is the last time i speak of this.
Cuz its meaning doesnt serve its purpose.
There is more to life.
Going to kick start ticking some small dreams alone or with besties.
Someone who deserve my time.

*

Perhaps i was too dwelled into the somberness.
And my late baby sensed me. He came into my dream and jumped and hugged my legs while i was standing reaching for him cuz he was somehow chasing some visitor's dog at my old house. A place where i spent most of his years with.

Thats when i woke up soothing myself that baby is gone and its okay. It has been sometimes. It was just a dream. It is okay to dream of him.
You had no idea... the realization of knowing the loved one is no longer with you while u wide awake... that kind of feeling.

Baby left a hole to big for anyone to ever fill. Not even my family. Not even my best friends.
No amount of distraction can take that away.

Home is where the heart is. Been living heartless for awhile.
Damn i should go for a lone movie tonight. At least im away from this place with past memories.

I miss you love.
There are alot of memories fading away.
I cant recall back. I dont let them pass by thus alot of the good times we had i cant remember.
Im so sorry.
I will not forgive myself for taking your choice in my hand.

Do visit me :')

*

You are unexpectable arent you?
You are not forgiven for the 3 weekends MIA irregardless of reason due to non preinformed notice.

Oh well.

Those who know me well... ermm... not sure anyone know me that well.

If i behave exceptionally emotional or happy or loud, im normally hiding my true feeling. I remember the day i confessed my feeling to my 1st crush, i was crushed beyond words. 

That shame and ego shattered were so unbearable. 

But in order to make everyone feels a lil more comfortable i had to act like i could live with it and that confession was just like a bitter gulp of chinese meds. 2 min stinks. 

But in actual fact i felt like i was drowning with shame. And that took me 10 years to forget.

So basically i am pretty good at hiding my feeling. I am master in misleading people with a mask i put on. I mean whatever goes on in my head has nothing to do with others and i dont have to bring all the unnecessary messiness to other people. 

Today is my clerk last day at SRB. 

We have done an early farewell to her so that she could focus to settle her stuff and we both to learn as much as possible prior to her leaving. 

You can bet if today branch is to conduct a farewell for her, we both will be crying out eyeballs out. 

Ill miss her very much. I care of her a lot. 

All the best Alice :)

You have been a wonderful colleague and friend to me. I appreciate the time we had and more to come.

Not just as regularly as we used to have but im pretty sure we will have dates together soonest :)

I had a sudden urge to selfie. It means i felt beautiful.

Thanks for being around today.

You've made the day a little easier for me to deal with.

I realized i wrote a lot but end up not posting many.
But knowing that im mostly alone here makes 99.99% of what i wrote here genuinely me cuz basically there is nothing to hide in a world of my own.

Except a few people that i have invited them into this space, a place my soul rest assured that nobody will harm her. Some i end up regretting. Those who could not appreciate me i hope they never visit here again. Those who i have yet invited them, i hope they never trespass without my permission.

I used to think i would like people to know me without letting too much of myself via verbal. So i would share my thoughts in public via written information instead. Back then ofcouse to show off a little about my proficiency in English. Im ofcourse not the best but somehow better than a lot. I was inspired to be better and have the ability to show off. Thus i thought i could possibly use the same method to inspire others.

Hahahaha...  seriously. Im not kidding.

Its all in your mindset. If u think im showing off. Then i am. Be it. If you think im just merely sharing. Them i am inspiring. Anyway. I no longer share any of my post public anymore.

I realized nobody that i care cares about whatever i have to say while those i wish not to care come read passionately about my day.
I know im a horrible person.
But im just a human. I hav flaws i dont mind admitting.

The past week has been horrible.
Pms n period week sucks. That took away a few meaningful days of my life. A ha ha
I was having a difficult time but none human around me notice how suffocating i was. Perhaps i was good at hiding. Some saw my condition but chose to ignore me anyway.
You know what, if you cant take me at my worst, dont dream of getting me at my best.
Im not horrible during that period. Im just difficult. There is a sure fine line between the two states but shall you stay and study me in details, you would know.

*smackhead*

Oh well. Who am i kidding? Who am i to draw such attention right?
How silly because i used to believe that someone does read mind. Oh wait... am i showing enough sign again? Or did i intentionally mislead a sign here?
There.... this bitch is nasty.
Hmmp.
Seriously. That period is the most sensitive and emotional time of the month. Anything can make me cry. I just wanted attention. Is that so difficult?

Perhaps i am.

I was asked to scan an apraisal form into the computer and my bizM made it a point to hide something at the back page. So since i was asked to execute the task ofcuz i peeked into the back page.
The scanned page stated some good comment and a review to upgrade position for the officer.
And the back of the page was my name.
Im not sure if my bizM actually want me to know about it. But ofcourse i act tak tau la... haha

In banking industry and in branch level, to upgrade in position or just grading itself really depends on opportunity be it given or by chance. You gotta be seen. I have never been lazy or bad until lately. To think about my whole journey in banking industry, i did my best to minimise my flaws and turn the impossible to possible. It took great effort. And it was not wasted.

Oh well. No big deal. Just a small upgrade. Might not be granted anyway.

*

Woman are the mirror, reflection of a man.
How we behave and our responses to you mainly depends on how you present yourself to us.
How we feel about you treating us.
Woman we tend to give more of each feeling we are given.
It takes a mature man or a self awareness man to be able to feel and tell and act accordingly to this.
Guess i havent been given that opportunity to meet this man yet.

There is this brilliant quote that says
Dont confuse my attitude with my behavior.
My attitude is how i carry myself while my behaviour is what i show when i am with you.

I can be naturally kind but i might not be kind to you.
If my loyalty is tested, i deemed not appreciated.
If you trust me, you wouldnt have questioned me.
If you care about me i wouldnt have to guess around and feel insecure.
If i do matter i would have been prioritised.

I cant tell. I feel deep. Thus if i cant tell via my extreme sensitiveness, i guess you are not giving enough.

Work harder.
Or let go.
Simple as that.

I deserve a lot.
I deserve better.
If you arent my better half,
Dont waste my time.

Time is all i have.
Dont left me bruised and shaken just like the time when you 1st picked me up.
Show me what it is like to be with the right person.
Show me what does it feel like to be not given up on.
Show me how to be loved and not hold back.

Sigh... i read a romance novel recently.
Guess i have to cut down on this cheesy novels and find more about 50 shades related novels, those kinda shits.

:)

Early Farewell to Alice 2nd of June

Upon reaching 2nd half of year 2016, a sad news had invited itself to my shore telling me that the best clerk of which belong to me is promoted by Hq to be an officer, which of course i was delighted by it. She truly deserved it. But she has got to transfer to PJ branch to start over. What the hell is that? 

Too short notice. I am going to be left crippled. And i have no time to get her preoccupied with officer's skills. She has done a perfect job and has been an incredible side kick to me. Eversince she was assigned to me, my work life has been a smooth ride. I was an out standing officer because she is an out standing clerk. 

I was so blessed. Only for 2 years though. 

You gave me the best time and then you take it back from me. You thought me what it feels like to have the best and then you rip it off forcefully from me. 

I wonder if i would rather never have that much of good only to feel much lost later. Oh well. This is life. 

Not something that i can control.

Thus we make the best out of the time we have left prior to her leaving to another branch. 

She is actually a year or 2 elder than me but gosh isnt she pretty?

12 of us. Biz M, officers, sales and her bf (ex pbb officer). A happy gathering.

I never like to say good bye. 

It is hard to waive goodbye and knowing i wont got to see that person in the near future. Esp if you have got used to see them very regularly. However, life itself is a great teacher. It teaches you to move on and toughtened up. I become reserved and i dont find new friends as replacement to the one i lost to opportunity and distance.

Im slowly adjusted to loneliness and not letting it get to me like it did when i was young. Thus, this good bye thingy is no longer new and too disturbing. Im only worrying about my work load having been so much taken care of by her dilligence and kindness. 

Ill miss her greatly. 

Dear Alice, i wish you all the best and best of lucks. 

I promise you once and i promise you again. By any chance i can get ill get u as my PA :)

And you often say yes :)

***