Dated week :)

1stly before i elaborate on my week, i wanna wish my lovely Keen Hoong a very happie bday. He might not read me here but i guess i never wished to be read by the said person be it whether i am confessing or bad mouthing. This guy and i go way back to form 6 period. One of the top 3 paulian i laid my eyes on. He was the cutest, funniest and most 38 boy i ever met. Back then i havent really met a lot of boys yet but after a decade after, i would still place my bet on him. 

He was probably the only one who bloody daringly blew up my 1st crush confession, ruined my special dedicated bday party to 1st crush and expose to the world that i secretly crushed on Justin.

So our love hate relationship went way back then. But i never really hate him. How could i? One look at his face i just melt. We even shared some masturbate secrets via sms last time. Omg. I dont think anyone know this. Hahaha. So hai us. He is one of the most important bff in my life. I never know why i never pursuit him neither does he ever fall for me. ;)

But love, pls dont ever doubt my love n care for u. Whatever you are going through are tough and undeserving but hey, you still managed to pull through right? And you definitely would. I have so much faith in you and believe me, the rainbow is just around the corner. Ill walk with you. Be strong and best of luck. #29thMay2015

Then came wednesday. Movie date. Spy with Joanne Wsy and Lek lek. I thk we can make it a regular date for every wed. Insidious coming leh... pls pls pls watch with me.

Friday... KY persistent to date me made me happie as we end up chatting the whole of the night. After some jap food we head to a coffee house and kill the nite. We sorta become close for the wrong reason. Seriously if only i was his chosen one, i guess everything else will be less complicated. Like he said bright young man, smart and good future whats not to like? I will remember your promise to me at age 30 and 35 years old. You know i dont do jokes and if you ever break your promise i will curse you. Lol. Im dead serious boy. 

Saturday, i dated my aunt and my mom for a dinner for distress. I wonder to whom ironically. She picked a korean restaurant Doerae at seremban 2. Quite decent restaurant, worth for a come back. And somehow this after dinner then coffee break kinda routine has become a habit. I found myself head to the same coffee house. Coffee and dreams. 

Then Sunday, My favourite boy at the moment lured me for coffee and since im not dated on sunday like seriously? Why am i not taken on a sunday?

Rounds after rounds, he chose the same coffee house again. Wtf. I meant 3 days consecutively in the same coffee house with same faces of staffs. I was like dont you take leaves or shifts or anything? 

For once in my life i feel emberassed walking into the same shop for more than once for a far too short interval time frame. Haha. I bet they recognise me too... obviously thanks to my less than appealing hair colours. Very crowded on weekend. Good business eh. 

We had a great time. It has been long since we had a great talk over a coffee break. He had a fabulous haircut thanks to my suggestion and his daring attempt to try. Such a lady killer. Hmmp. 

Someone i grow to admire and like. I hope the like could just stays unshaken and firmly as it is. 

Im trying to work out the fact that opposite sex can stays as bff too without needing to go further emotionally. This is a healthy stage. This is a happie stage. 

Every last crushes end up pretty disheartening. Although we manage to maintain as good fwens, ive lost a great friend. 

The last i crushed someone was a year and a half ago. 

The last i was being chase after was about the same time. Lol. Miss being pursuit after though. Made me feel some what special. 

My instinct made some good detective and fortune teller. I thk she had an insight towards my wanting and she would know if the one is around or still lost in the millionth of stars out there. Apparently he is still lost. 

Dear heart, find a way to lead him/she to me. 

One step at a time. 

Tonight i thought of baby. I miss him so much. I thought of the days before i close the main door i would felt so reluctant cuz i would have to bid him goodnight and left him alone to guard my house at night. He would always be frowning as in to ask me not to leave so i would lay on the floor petting his head and try to close his eyes so i could watch him sleep. My love he is always so charming and i would always talk to him. Every single day and time. Now i only have myself and a messy head and a blank wall i called a blog. 

Ill tell you all about it when i see you again. 

Dearest of all.

Fucking smokers. Spoke publicly in front of your partner and in public... way to go gentleman. Why dont u die?

Was scanning through what i wrote last night... a habit i love doing cuz i often found it cool and funny. God. I was pretty mad. That feeling was submerged the whole day and carried it to the end of the day and release verbally. How amazing my joanne?

How do u do it? Lol. Sounds odd n crazy.

Hmmp. Sleepy... and lazy. Why am i so lazy lately?
Where gone my inspiration? Oops. Lunch hour is over. Wish i could walk over to those freako and slap the mother fucker born crooked mouth who smokes.

Till then.

Dont fucking do that again! Fucking cross that line again its over!

Every fucking shit of it! Ill shut my bloody mouth if that should save the day.

Apparently they are pointless, useless and create havoc. Fucking drama queen i am dont i. Always 

love to make a scene. Trying to save the fucking day and make some heroes out of nothing. Wohoo... way to go gurl. 

So spend little, expect less and be selfish. 

I have little to spare and none appreciation. At least when shits come, i am the one to be blamed. Vulnerably exposed only to have hurt, broken and accused. Caused uneasiness and inconveniences and disturbances. 

Im sorry. The fault is always mine. Ive learned some lesson today. Ill bear in mind to be less stupid and more ignorance. 

Ill zip my fucking mouth and stuff some potatoes in. Spy (the movie which was fucking funny) inspired fucking day. 

Drugged with pills for nose allergy. Wing wing dei. Seriously?

Hmmp. I am smitten.

How bad? Idk. I cant tell.
Ok. It makes no sense. Im sleepy.

No. Goodnight

bff

One of the earlier bff since Puteri times. One of the few in the school that i got along well and much love to this woman. We stayed in the same garden after form 6 and we share quite a lot of things together. Quite a journey we had huh dear? Until she moved to kl and work there for sometimes that we kinda look for each other a lil less. Thank goodness we rekindle our friendship. Nothing really change. I just got more independent and u are happier yourself. 

Great night out with you. Happie ramen and coffee meals and our 1st to both shops. Haha.... more to come. I promise. :)

It seems that when a leo is emo, all people are emo be it directly or indirectly involving that particular leo.

All my life i am trying to avoid messiness. Problems. Trouble makers. Difficult and emotional people. But i keep bumping into them. Some i grow to like. Some i grow to hate.

I led an unfortunate series of misery life before i met my form 6 friends who teaches me that there are more to life than the shits that engulfed my world. From there i find myself one step at a time.

So as much as a big dreamer i am, all i ultimately want is a simple life and total freedom. Its not just distance wise freedom. More towards emotional detachment over everything that feed on my youth and happiness. I deserve better.

I cant choose my family but i can choose who else walking into my life. I have a lot of friends thanks to very active me in activities in ukm. And my lovable personalities too. But i kept my circle very small. Those few that know me from head to toe and inside out can be literary counted by fingers.

How do i say this? I try to serve my closest's right. Provide them the best of me that i could. Invested time and support shall they need them. Hugs and cheers and advises and just listen to them and be their pillar of strength for their darkest days.

But do not take me for granted. As i grew older, my patient level wears off. I got cranky very easily and many a time ill just give up.
I realized that if you voice out to me, then you actually believe in me and is seeking help to recover. If that is so, you gotta listen to what i gotta say regardless of whether i provide the correct remedy to your problems or not cuz bottom line is that you have voiced out and everything from my mouth means well.

I cant help/fix a person who dont which to be helped/fixed. Being a sister and a daughter to troubled family, the fact that i actually survive the drama and still sane, i have the tendency to nag.
Which solely due to the reason that i care. Sometimes i overwhelmed myself and got carried away in other people misery.

Which is why i would be so pissed when i realised that i have failed in offering assistance while you stubbornly repeating an argument, a lifestyle that haunts you, an uncertainty that bother you, a relationship that kills you, a troubled head and a saddened heart. Im so freaking mad at you and myself.

I am a broken soul myself. Why dont you fix me? Why dont you care? Why dont you listen to me instead? Its not that i dont share about me n my broken world, its the fact that you totally ignore my whole being or presence that needs to be salvage too and you infest on my generosity that put you first over myself.

My family did this and some friends too. I cant ditch my family but i could definitely filter some friends.
When i warn you, please dont ignore the signal im projecting. Dont make me give up on you. Im really trying my very best if thats what you seek for. To recover. Im not strong spiritually. We could help each others. Im no god. I cant play god. I have my limitation.

I cant dwell in your misery that you keep sinking in with intention. Your recovery mission must begin with a choice. Im reaching out for you but you must hold it dearly and push yourself out of the messiness. I wont call myself a survivor but i could hide my craziness very well buried deep down away from my reality. They will always be around and a simple trigger will explode the threat. Which is why i often stray far from negative people. I had enough of these self doubting, self consciousness torture and all shits i have inherited from my parents. I seriously have enough of all that fucking shit.

All i ever wanted is peacefulness and simple wanting. I want to be happie. I tried to be happie. Something i learned the hard way. And i fucking made it possible cuz i wanted to be happy. Do you understand how difficult is that? Dont take that away from me. Please.

So please get yourself away from that stubbornness. Try and make it work. Dont make people who cares give up on you. Perhaps it isnt me who could make it work. Somebody else perhaps. I dont know. Wrong star. Wrong sign. Wrong being.

Im willing to try. Only until i give up. I cant promise how long. You gotta be worth it.

Hi Dr Chong :)

I never know opposite sex being can become best of friends. It takes one to know the impossible before settling in though. We both have someone in heart and they specifically have so many things in common. Dont you think we look kinda matching together? I admire that view so jealously. 

If only we have fallen for each other. Things will become so easy. So lovely. So comfortable.

I dont have to keep guessing what he is thinking. He would have tell me all the times. He would initiate two way communication and listen to me mumbling and just invest in communicating with me. Intrigued by what i had to offer while i can freely question and happily obtain answer with no hesitation. 

I wont have to ask twice and i dont have to keep guessing his everything. Maybe become best of friends is even better than lovers. For us. 

Which makes me think of my rule of thumb in relationship. I cant have lover who is not my friend to begin with. Which is why i can never crush a stranger. Which is why i fall in love only with close proximity be it physically or emotionally. 3rd crush was a special case. Apparently it doesnt work as well. 

While we both so smart in understanding each other we fail to understand ourselves. 

Hold on to me my dear. Dont give up on me like everyone else did. Promise that you will always stand by me. Keep me sane and sensible. 

The krazy and NTLP.

U wanna noe what is crazy? Crazy is when you try to silent your head voice. No. Im not talking about singing voice. Im telling you about talking head. Its weird sometimes when i thought about the capacity of my mind talking while my heart could stop and think and my mouth silence. What am i? 

I am intrigued by how this work but i never really understand it. There must be a name to this called sickness. I used to call myself having multiple personality disorder. Then i realized i wasnt too sick to be tagged as one thus i forgo the whole idea. I thought it would be cool to have a psycho disorder in my resume. 

Everything that i dont understand then that i possess slowly come to me as i grow to learn more word n wisdom. Although i never fail to continuously spell some words wrongly no matter how many millions times i could have spelled it... i still think that i grow up pretty well especially on my grasp in english language. Thanks to jc's diligence and ego. 

Jcdagreat. What a name i gave myself. The fearless and feisty woman she is. Woman! Gosh... a woman! Lols. 

Now lately the mind speaks too much and i have difficulty shutting it up. If i could strangle it i would. Sound so crazy isnt it. Now i cant even sure whether this is me talking or my mind is. 

Anything happen today must settle today. I never like to carry unfinished business to another day. 

I dislike people bringing the past to the presence and to talk too much ahead of the future. 1st i dislike most of the past and 2ndly i cant foresee too far ahead of tomorrow. So dont ask unless i wish to tell and you wish to know. Dont trigger me to talk but you never listen. I will hate you. Cuz you make me open up a door that i felt reluctant to and for you to left me hanging there is like leaving me unclothed. A bared soul with no safety net. You will never understand. 

Sigh. Heavy heavy sigh. I also dislike when i have questions with no answer. I cant ask and worst is when i fear for the outcome. Do not make me confused and clueless. When the mind says no the heart wants. When the heart palpitate, the mind stays numb. Stupid organs. Haha. 

Lately joanne is kinda taken over the body rather than jcdagreat. Gosh. I hate this woman! 

This is how crazy sounds like! Somebody gotta do something! 

Anyway, NTLP 18 was a great gathering. Happie to see many old birds mia faces. Heard some nice songs and very good informal emcee acts. Good senior band performance. I hope for good continuation on this routine so that i could always revisit nostalgia. Had my tummy filled with alfaris maggie goreng. I wish i had more.... sad....

I miss my stage. NTLP 14 was my greatest year. Forever love love love! I miss my moment. I miss my favourite past. I miss my sparks. I want them back!

Evolution konon.... self evaluation.

My face trying to act like a mouse....this is ducky face... but the expression was so cute thus i name it the mouse face. Lol. Pls just dont ask why... isnt the mousy look obvious... hahaha

However being the cat me i cant help but to unleash the felinity. Not everyone has it okay? The upward moustache smile... with a force dimple... hahaha...

But nothing beat a diva selfie. We just know which angle is the best for the face. The ingredient for the perfect selfie is unreasonably easy. You just gotta be happy and think pretty. Apparently these must have items are free of charge. 

And then when im finally feeling the short hair vibe

some people begin to tell me that i was prettier in long hair. Sudahlah i miss it very much. Don't remind me of my past. I never dislike my long hair. And cutting it so farking short was one of the hardest and saddest and torturous decision ever made. But look at what it had bring me... A new start, a new image, a new attention, a new age, a new perception, a new focus and a new direction. 

I just want to say that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Kindness is the most beautiful asset of a human. I see beauty in all kindness. Pretty is just pure physical. Beauty is beyond what the eyes could translate. Its the depth of ones soul, emotion and value. 

Every beautiful people understand the pretty images  while not every pretty people understand the value of beauty. 

Im not pretty. But i dig deep to understand the value of being beautiful. To understand what it stands for. This boost my confidence and it ignite my charms. 

Charm is knowing what i have and what i can deliver and it attracts positive vibe. 

Which is why i often call myself charming.

:3

Nah, this whole shit is just to calm my sub conscious that the fact that although i am not the prettiest being on earth, i am still not the ugliest. Lol. 

Well. 

It takes a lot bravery to came out of insecurity, negativity, self doubt and self hate/blame and hatred and all the broken ones. 

Please dont send me back to the place i once stay. I dont belong there. I deserve better.

You deserve better too. 

Only you could walk out of the black hole yourself.

If you want something so badly, you will find a way to it. If you never want enough perhaps that isnt what you want at all. 

You maybe clueless but you aint silly. Wait till the calling make its way to you. Meanwhile be the best in what life has to offer.

At least there is no regret to time wasted in indulging in something worthy than pure junks. 

Life is never easy but you may take the joyride or the sorrowful path. 

Im not asking you to change. I'm asking you to evolve. 

Sometimes its just wise to take one step back, take a deep breath and observe. Count the lucky days, your favourite people, the best jokes you heard thus far and the good memories. It they make you smile then you should know that life isn't so sucking as it seems. 

Xoxo

The fault in our stars

I rewatch the movie and cried again. Not as painful as the 1st time but still is painful.
1stly cuz i can relate to this story in many ways.
2ndly cuz the actress who act as Hazel Grace was so believable and so real and 3rdly cuz i really fall in love with Augustus Walter.

I cried again for many different reason.
It is sad when you have to deal with lost. There is an infinity to pain and lost. And love. Many levels of emotion.

Being an ego girl, not that i want to, its difficult for me to open up to a person specifically to the opposite sex being. I found it hard to trust and i am scared to develop any new found feeling.
So the pattern is always similar like this. Ill be super cold and then when i am finally relax being with you thats when i begin to trust you. Im not talking about love yet. If you have no likeness towards a person, you cant even be friends with them dont you? This apply to me.

I cant continue my words... mainly cuz im farking sleepy and 2ndly i might need to rephrase and gather my thoughts in order. Will you wait?

Okay?

Memories :)

A perfect week! #jiayiewedding #BSB #inaworldlikethistour

The amazing week! Too fulfilling!

I knew it will be a busy one cuz Jiayie had already told me the date of her wedding and my role on her big day since 1 year in advance. What i didnt plan was BSB arrival and i agreed with no hesitation when my roommate asked me to go with her. I was like thank goodness! Yes yes yes! 

So on the get go itself i knew it will be a super mad rushed week. 

It all started with a break on tuesday 28th. I took one day early off so that i could prepare my family emotionally n physically needs. 29th morning the road trip took place. After fetching my 2 princesses, we were all set to go. Zz who knew the road and yonlek was all ready with waze and stuff. Glad to have them around. On the way up we stopped by for mcd icecream on a rainy day... haha. 

To be honest, the driving was fun but was also challenging. On the way up, the rain occurred in a few stretch along the roads. I cant really see the road and i was driving 110/120km per hour. Hmmp. Steady la. 

Upon reaching Setiawan, the girlfriends said that we should drop by at Teluk Intan for a view of menara condong, gift shop and chu cheong fun which the last one unfulfilled. This short escape was worth the rush. We also managed to go to one of the largest temple in Ipoh which also located in Setiawan. That was what they said. Cuz im not a fans of temple or anything religious. They fooled me by saying that the temple can diagnose some fate thingy and predict some good future. And the next thing i knew was that my faith in love needs time and has not arrived. Dont i already know it?

Once reached Jiayie's place, we worked on the church wedding display and went for dinner at bridegroom house and worked the rest of the details in our homestay, which all of us went sesat. Apparently waze could not detect the location and only google map can. Ha ha ha...

That night itself jiayie sneaked in and we had a great bachelor girls night pillow talk. God. 4 of us in a double bed. So very compact but highly intimate! Its like we were in u65 again. 

Jimui journey start at 8am the next morning. Eewen n peaimun joined in the morning. A war happen during the jimuis n hengdai confrontation. Well. Haha... game well played. Again the rush. After all the rush in the game, the flow went from picking up the bride to bridegroom house, then to the church where i almost cried when the couple confessed their love and agreed to commit (i was like the parent who send off their daughter to her eternal contentment), then the wedding luncheon. The jimuis then rushed to touch up the restaurant and the booth we pulled out was super lovely. 

4.30pm the Seremban kaki have to leave early as we decided to head back right after. Eewen offered us good accommodation to bath n change at her new house. Yes, she is going to married to Setiawan too!  I saw her future husband for the 1st time and her new dog. So happie for her and her coming future. 

I dont wanna go into details of how the night drive was. Long distance drive is manageable. But it should only occurred not so frequently. That back to back 10 hours drive in total just took a year off my life. Haha. Jk jk.

So it was 1st of May. 2nd wedding dinner. The noon itself was also a rush as i had an urge to buy Jiayie a gift. So i rushed to Seremban 2 and head back to home and the rain was heavy. Once ready and after fetched zz, we arrived at the dinner at 7pm. Not even late. Well typical chinese dinner. But this was different cuz i dont mind how late it could last cuz it was like a perfect reunion for u65 gathering. I sang 3 songs with KY. Vocal was outta control abit... seriously, this mad rush week totally takan a toll on my body. There is a handsome dude who played saxophone so very well. He played Sam Smith. Arghh so geram! :)

I went home around 11.30pm and slept at 2.30am. 

The next morning was another killer. I got to wake up at 8am and tapao for family. Then rushed out to ktm station at 9.30am to kl to meet roommate for BSB concert. I cant have a moment to even catch my breath.

Reach BTS and switched to LRT to Plaza rakyat station as per my roommate instruction. Another new try out of route. Cool. A 400m walked to Swiss Garden hotel. We spent the whole noon at timesquare and ate a full lunch at a korean restaurant . Why is everybody so into korea stuff lately?

We should be early to the concert. Dammit. When we were there, the queue was mad packed. Free seating category 5 was even worst. By the time we seated we were at the side of the concert's hall. No middle view was available. Sad! But the stage was designed so that it was pretty near to side view if the boys moved to the front.

BSB. 

It was 8.30pm or later when they finally came out. I was so touched and star strucked and in total disbelieve when i saw them. It was so surreal. They were my childhood favourite. It was like a deathwish came true. Oh u noe the 50 years old thing... and its was like a wish box ticked. So, i got Mariah concert and BSB's fulfilled. Haha. Now i wish for Nsync and Celion Dion. Oh... i got to dance during their encore when the crowd was wildest! I was holding back just like the other audiences as we didnt wish to block view in earlier of the night. 

These boys, i mean men were as good as old times. I never like them dance be it back in 1995 or 2015. They have 22 years history for you information. 

But their voices are undeniable the most solid one for a boyband. 

Brian and AJ's voices were strong. Always are my favourite. They were so entertaining and the crowd was crazy. We actually sang louder than the boys during their old hits. They also showcased their musical talent in a capella, instruments and some dance. They got the fans jumping and laughing and who would have thought that they are so funny especially Brian. 

The concert was too short and stadium negara was leaking rain waters. Omg. AJ was like i dont wish to be struck by thunderstorm. Hahaha.

Awh... what's not to love!

So fulfilling... so exciting... i thk i just fell in love again all over again. Only that this time it was 5 of them and they are all men. 

More love!

The whole 4 days were super amazing!

I would wanna revisit this mad rush of love any time anywer again with those that i love. 

For more photo, kindly view my public diary @ FB.