1.3.14 - 2.3.14

My will to blog died as sudden as I had the urge to do it. 

3rd time singing at cafe live with yet another girl singer. I knew this girl, a senior in my high school. Well, she can't recall me. Not that I desire of. Gee... Those few mandarin songs I practiced so hard over the weekend were in her list & she just took em away. Seriously!!

Nway, some high & low points. Same old problem, voice too soft. Bump into a group of people doing gathering so near to the PA system. They were so high, so noisy that it really effect the whole surrounding. 

Well fault wasn't on them. It's a cafe who serve gathering purpose. 

I wanna compliment on my guitarist who was my negative antidote who keep fighting with me & for me. 

If you don't have a gf now, I would perhaps consider you as candidate. It has been too long since I notice any guy who would give me motivation & do so much without any benefit. Not that I could offer anything anyway. With him around, I feel very much protected. When he strums his guitar, I got mesmerized as well. 

He's a good partner musically. Please don't give up on me. You know how much potential I have that you saw that you told me. I know those weren't lies. I promise to work very hard on my weakness. 

Don't even let me let go of it for the 2nd time. I'm committed. 

Funny how u label my voice as popiah. U always got a way to cheer me up. Soft on the outside, very fulfilling with lotsa quality inside :3 That made my night. 

Voice, no matter how much potential there is, if it wasn't able to channel to ears of the listeners, then what good is that? I learned this the hard way. Should have learned it well for so many years back. 

 **

Lousy lack of sleep in the morning, while groaning on the bed, mind flashed back to the good old days when I was playing with my dog. I woke up immediately. Just hated my bloody fool memory box. I hate it. I really hated it. I gotta readjust my focus. Today was my K date with dear Fang. We promised to sing our lungs out in Green Box preparation for Avril Lavigne's concert. March 14. I didn't choose Avril over Bruno Mars which will be scheduled on 21st March at SG. I choose my Fang over Bruno. Huhu... Y u no come Mas?

Then at night had an argument with my mother. Seriously. Getting blame again? I know I have attitude problem lately but I don't snap for the wrong reason. U always have a way to blame & then keep talking shits. I already bear enough of you for the past 10 years cuz of my dog. The day he died is the day I had enough of you. 

Everyone says that I have changed. High school fwen says that I have changed. Pre U fwen says that I have changed.

My mother says that I have changed. What is wrong with it?

Those were the time I was childish, playful, talkative & HAPPY. 

Now I'm mature, somber & angry piece of dynamite. Got problem?

Those problems I faced back in those years weren't problem now cuz I could settled em with all the wrong decision I made for the right reason. I sacrifice my whole life doing what best for others & what's good as a whole. Why don't I get compliment for all the stupid things that I have done?

Why do you need to pick on me on all little fucking details that I didn't do for fucking peoples? 

Is this fair treat you told me? If I could cry infront of you or because of you, that's because I still love you. I don't wish you to take that for granted! Once I'm done with it it's over. For what I know of, those who hurt me don't get second chances. You have challenge my limit for all the extra chances. 

I'm sorry for my behavior. I will fix my wrongs but I don't see any effort you take for your wrongs. 

If your math is good, you might as well just suck all this bullshit in and ignore my attitude cuz u're making me calculate as well.

 **

*

Workload is piling up for no reason. Team member on leave, soon one will be on course, I myself will involve in another round of ATM duty. Fuck! Target! Fuck!

Be Gentle March. 

I'm gonna start with the Shila craze... I saw many people sharing in FB I knew something was amazing there but I couldn't be sure cuz majority people now are sharing for the sake of sharing & 50% of those people who do the sharing were tone deft. N really, I was too busy to open a link n watch any video. 

So I reserve my Saturday night for a me day. I knew this gal even before she got famous in China. A local Malay artist who sang Malay song but couldn't mark a place in the market as many local female artists are strong here like Siti Nurhaliza, Misha Omar, Ning Baizura etc etc even Jacklyn Victor with her super power vocal have to fight hard to be acknowledged in Malay Industry. Cuz seriously, local people just don't appreciate local artist until they get famous everywhere else. So, smart of her to try out in China's marker. So fortunately came a competition who accept international competitors. 

She has Malay singer's singing quality to her voice & when she sing typical Chinese songs with Chinese singing, it explode. This is always a theory I had in my head. The same things I thought of myself. I'm the type with R&B flow & I do runs. Thus when I apply to Malays songs & Chinese songs, I can deliver it differently. No doubt she is a brilliant vocal powerhouse & she sang so beautifully in the latest offer. So passionate, so dearly, much better pronunciation than her previous videos. It also reflect something. Although she is the rare species in China which makes it a selling point in the market however, at the end of the day, it was the voice that capture hearts & it knows no boundaries & races. Brilliant Shila!!!

About the craze, G.E.M videos kinda being shared many times lately. A HK singing with super vocal. But anyone mind telling the news? 

 I've been working my ass off lately for pinyin lyrics with little energy I'm left with every night. I hope to see improvement & hopefully I could wow respectively people who could enable me to sing weekly. 

Sigh. Things I do for love. Every little thing I pull off is an extra effort. I basically am too weak & tire for everything. I am so lazy to speak & bath & even sing out loud anymore. I needa adjust my diet & work out soon. Soon!!! The forbidden word that kills. 

All of these shits weren't supposed to be here as I had my piece of story in my head earlier. Now I lost my will to write em. Arghhh.... Super hot lately. Why u no rain!? Whats wrong with you?! 

Sang publicly for the 3rd time this year on the 15th of February. One day after Valentine's day as well as Chap Goh Mei. It was a trio performance. I specified on English songs as usual. Had a brief conversation with an agent. Finally. Heard what she has to say & I'm glad to have feedback. I only can appreciate the opportunity to sing now & I'm happy my guitarist offer this chance to me. I hope this go on. & I'll make sure that I improve myself in no time. Seriously, I'm surviving only on this by this very love I still possess. 

Angeline & SauKheng dear were there to support me. They don't know how much energy they could channel to me when they were around. I didn't inform anyone on the 1st time I sang in January cuz it was too sudden. The latest one I did informed everyone but it seems I didn't draw much attention. 

Well, I don't get much chances now especially I'm still under screening which means I only sing when the scheduled singers couldn't make it. 

I did ok. Always just OK. Sometimes better. Inconsistent. Experience will tell & I could tell how far I could go. Time will tell. Till then, shall get myself prepared. 

I finally watched The farewell episode of Glee where I just knew how many crying scenes there would be. I cried along so much that I couldn't tell whom I was crying for. I had to watch it & I did. 

I kinda am fostering a cat lately. The stray was always near my house. Since my dog passing, I have been feeding her occasionally. I loves animal. No doubt. But this grieving period is just so hard. It seems taking care of another animal is just too much to bear emotionally. Especially when the cat wanted to play. She just keep lingering around my feet & it kills me. 

Sigh. I planned to take some photo & send it to people who could love a cat better than I do. I wouldn't take her in. I hope good people could love her die die like I love my dog. Eternity.

People say that when they got their heart so broken they don't know if they could love the same anymore.

Now I truly understand that feeling. 

I couldn't. 

Hi. How have you been?

Have been dying to blog. Couldn't get it out like I wanna. I'm simply too tired everyday with limited rest. 

Anyway... Too late for me to start anything. I just wanna lay myself on bed. Hope sandman would find me.

17-01-2014

I've visited a Miracle today. Well, he hasnt been named yet. Thus I shall called him Miracle.

The girl I'm closest with in the bank whom I met on the 1st day itself & became best friend gave birth to Miracle on the 13th of January. He was 3 days early. Guess he wanted to see the world much earlier. 

He chooses 13th. The day my baby left. Before my mind wander far enough to suggest wild & incredible theories, I was delighted enough to inform everyone else in the bank. She texted me on 8 am about the contraction & was already in labour room. A brave mom she is. After almost 10++ hours, Miracle finally arrived to mother earth with 3.5 kg of weight, safe & sound. I was all smile. I was there with her all through her marriage to her owning a house to her pregnancy. She is now a complete woman. I'm very happy for her. Safe journey of motherhood ahead dearest.

PMS week sucks. I kinda make lot of enemy & caused a lot of troubles. 

My patient level is normally very low during that week. Slightest thing could irritate me. Everything everybody does could annoy me & thats pretty damn huge area to not get into. 

It scares me sometimes but at the end of the day they deserved it.

Still I'm sorry I did these. I don't expect you to understand my behavior & I don't care if u can't forgive me.

Perhaps, you could possibly stay away for good. 

All these wouldn't happened if people just put some effort to understand each other better. 

I get very annoyed if friends tell lame jokes. Some jokes are not meant to be jokes & some are

 not funny at all. 

Eg 1. Happened to a nice friend of mine. He was talking about joining the function I was going to attend. I was delighted & was thinking of a way to get him in the list which was a little impossible. The key point was that I actually believe him that I made an effort to try to fit him in. Then he said he was scheduled for work for a whole week inclusive of the event date.

 I just snapped. I confront him about that & he got angered cuz I can't take in a joke & that I was being too serious. I mean seriously? It was that disappointment you caused me that enraged me. 

Well, he would never get it. Now I see the better of you that I dislike & you better stay with that believe that I'm too serious to be messed with. My faith, the believe I have on friends is ultimate, beyond question. I will not ever question on anything they say or ask. Which makes it incredibly hurtful if I found them betray me. 

His was not up to that extend but him making me sound foolish cuz I took his jokes as a truth, then that makes him wrong.

2nd. Don't compromise if you cant. Don't promise if you cant keep your word. Don't say yes or take too long to answer me to keep me hanging only to her saying no or sorry that she cant. 

All these are reflection of super low EQ actions.

Those people who talked about travel but never put effort to plan, sorry you guys are out of my list forever. 

3rd. Don't ignore me when I asked something. When I talk you listen. Cuz when you talk I listened. 

If you choose to ignore me, politely tell me you're not free & that you wish not to talk to me. 

& If I choose to ignore your message several times in a row, please understand that I don't wish to talk to you & seriously, we are not so close friends. I don't like to talk to strangers. & for goodness's sake, if it ain't urgent, don't fucking call me. Phone is on my hand 24/7. I heard message that comes in, or at least the vibrato.

4th. As much as I needed attention to stay alive, there are some me time in a day that I truly cherished. Especially time with friends, my favourite TV show times and everyday after 10pm. That is just me time. This is a time i am most better leave alone unless permission granted for a chat or stuff that I agreed & preferred. 

5th. People who failed to keep in touch, one way or another, pls don't just barge into my life as you wish being overly friendly & sweet & expect nothing has changed since we last met. You should really know whether I still want you in my life or not. It could be me dismissing you just simply caused I decided on it. It might not be your fault but just respect my decision. I don't appreciate people who never been through my most difficult & happiest moments together. 

Of course I don't expect you to understand me. Even my closest friend I knew since I was just 7 years old don't. She said I understand her most. I was wondering does she know why I kept asking to see her recently. When I hit rock bottom, all I need was a friend presence. If you think that I will spelled my troubles to you from A-Z then you're very wrong. For your record, the only person I've talked & cried to about my love's death is Yonlek. Maybe caused I couldn't provide her me many years back that I don't deserved it now. & how could you judge me on friend no.5? Anyhow, I know you're enduring difficulties urself which is why I never force you. I hope those bad luck will leave u soon. 

These are among the biggest pantang I hated the most. Disgust in fact. Which makes me believe I'm quite an introvert to have those qualities in me. Anyway, take me or leave me. Like many people did. Those did not they appreciate me & I love them to death. 

If only losing my love could be as easy as losing a crush. Again! No wonder that's a saying that goes songs for the moment, songs for life. They are certain songs that just sings your feeling. 

I watched Glitter on TV, starred Mariah Carey, which happened to be a flop in cinema & I was in touched with the song Never Too Far again. I love that song many years back but it gave a new feeling to me that very day cuz It sings my feeling. It goes

You're with me
Til the bitter end
What we had transcends
This experience
Too painful to
Talk about
So I'll hold it in
Til my heart can mend
And be brave enough to love again

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved
In my mind
In the memories I'll find solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
And I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
And I'll remember

A place in time
Still belongs to us
Stays preserved in my mind
In the memories there is solace

Never too far away
I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
And though we can never be
I'll always think of you and me
Always remember

Love

You're never too far

 

I am afraid to look at my photos album be it in the phone or laptop cuz I really wanted to move on & try to avoid to remember him. But the more I tried to hide, it seems harder to forget. The fact that I didn't seek remedy, a chance to bawl out, to release, to talk all out which I find no one I could, I couldn't heal.

I had myself the negative one to consult me & of course it didn't work. I was the one who blame & I was the one who correct it. Sound ridiculous but yeah, I was dealing it this way. I don't think anybody could understand this pain of how attached I was to my baby. Thus I remain tight lip.

The last time I lost his sister due a car accident, he came into my life. He heals me. This time there wouldn't be anybody worthy.

I miss u so so much. Pls heal me dear.

I guess liking lotsa animal page in facebook is really a bad idea especially when I'm in my recovering period. 

All these fury mammals are dear to my heart & it wouldn't fail tearing me up. There were specifically two animals that got my attention recently. Christmas by MIAR & Happy by MDDB. I cried when I read about them & I'm very happy to know they've survived. 

Whatever happen in a day brings forward to night's dream. Had a rough one this morning. I dreamed of tsunami washing off to my DSTH. I don't have a balcony but I had one in my dream & my house was facing open sea. & Hell these few days were rainy days. Me & my mom was there. Somehow my brother appear in my dream. In the wildest disastrous dream, I found someone so familiar. My baby!

He was there wagging tail & me as usual petting him. He doesn't look like baby but I knew he was it. 

I don't know the reasoning behind the dream. Perhaps it means nothing at all. By the time I woke up, the story was still clear in my head. Sometimes dreams seem so real that you struggle to tell if those were real & reality was just a dream. Which is why I often hate dreaming. 

At times I couldn't believe that baby has just left me loosely about 2 months. Coming 13th is 2 months. 

These 2 months seem so long. It's like I never had him & those good times were dreams. I guess his passing gave me too much of times for myself or perhaps my way of meditating helps. I'm struggling to get by everyday hoping that my mind could shut down easily and not a single moment of free time to even reminisce anything about him & us. I either leave it blank of fill it up with messy stuff. The same way I used to go through that tormentor 13 days of hell.

I believe Karma. I believe in doing good deeds & it repays you in one way or another. 

I just don't know if they will come in time or in times of need. 

I know that I'm not a lucky girl. There is a lot of things I need to fight to win over. 

Sometimes love, attention & friends. Maybe soon health & money.

Not a day past by I wish not to go to work. Has been like this for awhile. I don't know what kinda disease has struck me. Early Festival fever disorder perhaps.

Won't be celebrating CNY this year. Still family is eager to buy lotsa stuffs. Play along lor. Temper has been bad. Pretty bad & I still not willing to sleep early every night. Somehow my yearning to live long is deteriorating further. LOLZ. Seriously. My friend told me about PRS product for retirement scheme & its benefit to reduce tax payment. The only thing is that the profit in the investment can only be taken out after one reaches 55 years old. I was like hey, by that time I think I should be dead. I wasn't kidding though I was laughing. 

I met a guy while I was performing that very sunday. He was a cousin to the main lady & he was residing in a western country I cant recalled~ Spain? or something. We talked a little, He said he was a guitarist in a band & he asked if I were a full time performer? I told him I am a banker. He said that was very sad. That feels like a big tight slap on my face. Such a shame. If I could make a different this year, I had him to thank for. 

 XOXO

Performed at an engagement party tonight. It was Christine's secondary school mate which is also my senior. We were Puterian. But I bet she couldn't recognize me. Anushka asked Christine to help her with entertainment. Of course Christine would want to perform & she offered me to be the partner. 

Met up with the couple 2 days earlier to give them a view of how our songs are gonna be. 

Apparently she is gonna be engaged with a long time boyfriend, an Italian guy. Davide is his name. 

He was very tall, fair and shy in nature. While the girl was the total opposite, very bubbly & bright. I would say a perfect match. 

Today, we went to the private club where only registered member could come. Non member will be kicked out which happened to me once. Met up with her MC friends & her parents as well. They were all so sweet & kind. They made me feel at ease especially when I was the only one that was new to all. It's a Hindu style wedding, very simple & simply joyful to be part of the ceremony.

Sang half of the song that we practiced. Most are classic wedding love songs. 

It made me want this even more. My voice is not superb master vocal but it hasn't been bad at all. 

I really wanna make full use of it. I vow by heart that this performance would not be the 1st & last performance of year 2014.

Things one's gone through makes one grown up. Being through some of the most difficult times makes me think & wonder. 

Singing is my passion. Something I master & is good at. If I'm nervous & screw up doing something I love, perhaps then I should rethink what really suit me. That knock some sense into my head. 

Thus today onwards, I will not back off from any chances of performing. 2014 came with a new dream which is to have a breakthrough for my passion. I have stuff in mind. Now the job is to find a committed musician to start it off which was also difficult. As I say a million times, commitment is one thing everyone fears. 

I just realized I never sound more like myself except when I'm singing. I talk with a different voice. I can't help it. lol.

Many plan in year 2014. Having been given an eternal freedom by my love allows me to go far n fearless. 

Another hole to fill in. I need a new crush target. Hung on too long for the last one. 

I'm 25 & I'm rocking 2014!