Distance. Christine Perri

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have

So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening
How long 'til we call this love, love, love?

***

Some feeling is difficult to put into words. 
I admire lyricist and novelist who could bring out the impossible task of expressing a feeling into a readable and understandable phrases.
At least those who are too numb and dumb to feel could process the words and understand it inside out.

Distance.

N now i recalled the Infinity Theory in The fault in our star's movie.

Infinite measurements in distance. How close is close? How far is far?

The moment you shut me out of your details...
I knew that we are between the moon and earth.

Light years away... my stars failed me. They dont lead to the right path... They are just empty promises.

Knowing some close friend will go to east cost so very soon make me feel even worst.

Tmth.

6 months 8 days 12 hours...

It's hard enough just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind
And where is the good in goodbye?
Tell me why, tell me why...

The radio seemingly sense my need for emotional song and then this song came in. One of my favourite from Brian M. Damn the voice and the killing me softly kinda emotion of the song.

It' s one week b4 period again which means terrible mood swing set in. Easily irritable and annoyed.
N i was irritated. Fuck you! Both yesterday and today. Today was my grandpa death anniversary. Not that it affects much but yea. I could easily have a reason to blame on if i cried for no apparent problem.

Im so very tired. Enough la. Give up lar.

Moonlight Darling

Hmmp. Dun ask me why the odd title and what has it got to do with the content of today's post. 

Basically nothing. Im just trying to catch who would actually read my post base on my blog title. Well.... gotcha... lol lol

Well, tomorrow is the actual day of mooncake festival. As usual being D not so chinese's chinese, i seriously have no idea why we celebrate the festival which rightly, i have some fade understanding of the bullshit history of this festival but you know what? Lets just play candles.... 

I would like to remain clueless on a lot of things. 

Im not someone who wanted and demanded to know everything from a to z. You can call me lazy but i enjoy being clueless.... so that the very next time i can be entertained by a story teller.

 You see being the ms-know-it-all means you always got to be the one to share the story. You gotta repeat it for all the clueless people cuz they are just too lazy to google the history and prefer asking n listening to a verbal guidance. Someone like myself. This is so not true to my leo nature cuz being able to deliver a story meaning that im actually holding ppl attention to me and on me. But... yea... old feline... im selectively choosing the right things to have the lime light on now. 

Sad...

Im kinda moody. Those were the days when i can expect someone to be there for me when im moody. This year is the 2nd year we celebrate this festival without my grandpa. He left us one day after the festival so... its kinda the death anniversary too. So i dont actually found this festival fascinating any more. In fact i had a personal bad experience with this festival where i was caught playing with matches and fire when parents were not at home. Lolz.  I think i was in standard 3 kot. I was scolded n beaten pretty badly... hmmp. So... no... not my fav festival of all time. 

I still like the candles though. 

I like how it burns and illuminates the dark. It wont shine as bright and meaningful if the night is not pitifully dark enough. I dont know since when i dislike being the candle. I prefer to be the one who hang on dearly to the bright light it exudes. Sucks on its beautiful rays and dive into the warmness it delivers. 

But it seems that i am still the candle that burn for others. Some appreciate my presence however some still very much neglect the fact that i could be burned out and take me for granted. 

Im tired. Drained. 

Im a motivator who need to seek a therapist. 

Topic of da day: How to continue being a good motivator ? 

Haha... seriously? 

I guess im natural in this. 

My old friends were surprised on how positive i have become... you have no idea how incredibly difficult i was last time. 

i am surprised too when she can tell something that i am not aware of. Since when? 

Since the day i let go?

Since the day i care less? 

Since the day i realized i have nobody?

Since the day i know i cant change a single fucking fact or my background and all i can do is to move on and live a better life i could do for myself instead of feeling sorry for my past?..... Hmmp yes kot. 

Y not? Is it better? At least my gf likes it. 

Everyone needs a positive energy but nobody is one. You can choose to be one though. 

I choose to display positivity cuz i hold on to a believe that it would attracts positive feedback too. I believe strongly that this is something we can inculcate into a belief. A culture. Rather than u believe in something so superficial like god... i prefer to adhere to something that i could sense and feel. Ya. Aku atheist! A proud one!

When i was most down and suffocate last two years ago, i learned a thing or two about this. You will always be lonely and unloved if you dont allow people to come into your life. Do not expect that there will be someone who will just jump right into your life and so super heroically sense your needs. Not everyone is so lucky to have someone as special as that. So voice out. Seek help. Seek advise. 

Otherwise, just like me... cry out and walk out of the misery a much stronger individual. 

There is many degree of recovery. Im a beginner. I can easily fall back right into the dungeon of hell. 

But yea... fake it until you can make it. Multiple personality sickness helps. 

Spring cleaning my junks again today and i found a lot of happie items... the art box, bday, convo gifts and old time letters... the happy pills. I dont need a doctor. I need a reminder. A memory. A belief. Something that i have forgotten but it is there... 

*

You always walk far ahead of me. I wonder what preoccupies you and your mind. I wonder if i should just be invisible. May be i should not be around. Cuz i dont find my presence has any added value or has any difference to you. You just continue walk ahead... n i just follow. Sigh. If i do matter to you, i wouldn't be left behind in anyway.

Im sorry i chose the wrong movie and have force you in the deal. Im sorry you dislike it.  

19th Sept 2015 #jcjaneWedding

Ok. I said it before imma say it again. 

Im a lazy pig. To dress up and make up takes a great effort out of me. 

I think it took one year of my life's energy to be beautiful in a day. Lolz. Okok... just exaggerating. 

It was a wonderful evening, a great gathering with my PT dance mates. It has been such a long time since we all last met. 3 to 5 years. 

Jcjane's wedding is a testimony that true love exists.

Im glad to be invited and be part of the ceremony. 

And to this lovely gathering. 

I was expecting Longeh, Bear bear and Darren. But Chansey's appearance was a surprise. 

The food was fine and the wedding was a simple and a cosy one. 

After the dinner we continued for a short limteh catch up at Bros cafe. Short but memorable. 

You will never know how much you miss someone until you finally see him. 

I miss my mates so very much

I miss dancing

I miss the passion

I miss jcdagreat

15th Sept 15

Happie Birthday Derrick

A rough day eh? Sorry. I could only do so much with the limitation that i have and of what you could allow. 

I cant pull off a big surprise without the confirmation of the participation of the hero of the day. 

Thank you for being at ease and truthful with me. I know opening up of the past and realness and expecting people to understand is difficult. Im glad you are comfortable with me to allow me in. 

I have never walked in your shoes. Neither have you in mine. Nobody shall ever be judged and be taught to how one behave and think. Nothing is wrong. 

But i wish you find true happiness. From the bottom of my heart. I wish you could. Im also searching. Maybe my presence dont contribute much. But yours did.  

You're a good boy. 

Dont you ever think that you are insignificant. 

Find your worth. 

Find your gift. 

Live for your name. 

Live for yourself. 

A sad soul doesnt mean a bad life. 

Sad souls are normally high achievers. 

Hold on to yourself. You presence alone should be the solid reason to continue striving in life. 

Make a change and create a new great ending.

Sorry cuz im not a great motivator. Im a freshly recovered addict myself. I can only help that much. 

Apparently not enough. But we could try. 

Dont hurt the one who cares. I dont know how many will care but i know who would. Only if they are enough to make you feel complete or in a sense, enough. 

Its all in the mind. 

Bear Huggies. U owe me one.

I know my place. Somewhere, just Somewhat special.

Its cool i guess. 

Jcdagreat

p/s 

U asked me why did i on leave today. I said it was for fun. To clear leave. 

I lied. Perhaps you knew it anyway.

The initial plan was to date you buffet or sumthg special at kl on 15/9. 

But u decided to take leave and you told me you could be away. Leaving me clueless and a failed plan. 

So when you said nobody plan any surprises for you today it was entirely not true. You denied my request even before my proposal manage to take place. 

My ego wont let me let you know the true. Shall you happen to read me and perhaps already know more than you necessarily need to (cuz u read too many of my post before this), i hope you find this information heart warming. 

Value of a gift determines one's position in a relationship. Thoughtfulness in a gift reflect one's understanding of another. I didnt come across any gift that made me understand my position in our friendship. But i bump to a little idea of which this item could tell you a story i wish to inspire you of. 

It is valueless in term of price but it comes from a pure sincere place with a strong message i also wish someone could ever told me. 

Thought of the day:

Measure worthiness in this way:

One who has 100k and giv u a 2k worth of gift and

One who has 1k and giv u a rm200 worth of gift.

I wish for none 

For all i ever wanted couldnt be measure by cent & dollar. 

Its okay.
Im okay.
No matter what happen i will still have you.

Greatest joy of my life. Fang, Pumpkin and Kheng.

I can only lead so far sadness. U must learn how to walk and have faith hope and joy. The rest is up to you. I have tried my level best. 

Happie birthday dearest Jiayie  

Bee.... the loveliest of all. The kindest of all. The bravest my sweetest, my pillow and pillar of strength. U changed my life. U brought life into my hollow soul and led me to light and for that im eternally grateful. I only let u go so far and pls come home often so i dont need to miss u always. 10 yrs and counting. Muah muah muah. Love u lots. Happie 27th bday.

14th Sept 2015

My pride is far expensive than my virginity. 

Lol

Fuck this shit. 

Recalling what Genesis said yesterday. He said that i should look for a man who is strong enough to take care of me.

He is one of the friend who cares and know my story and try to understand my personality from my point of view. That makes him somewhat special and he did not suggest the wrong idea. 

10 years back i wouldnt have agree to that idea. 

Coming from all girl school, i embodied girls power and i believe strongly that one need no another to survive especially boy. I live my most sensitive period of teenage's life confined to only girl's species and have totally made zero male friend. I have an imbalance male to female friend ratio. Thus made me an sexism extremist. 

I would have disagree with that sexist concept of his and start a never ending argument. 

But gradually and naturally although not much willingly i give in. 

Back then, I became so strong and tough and built walls around me to ensure sanity so that i could stay focus in life. 

I wasnt born power freak nor an extremist. 

As you mask yourself too often you tend to forget who you are and who you wish to become. 

I am tired. Really. 

Then i realized that needing someone is not pitiful. 

Its okay to need a man, a friend or soulmate. 

What is strong is strong?

Genesis said that i need a man to take care of me. To lift me off my burden. 

True to the fact, i would love to meet a man who can do so. But how do you define who is that deserving man? One who is willing? One who is capable? One who is willing and capable and wont get tired of me and anything that comes along with me? Who can embrace all flaws which comes along later?

Growing up in this broken family built my senses and values in a negative way.

There is a lot of things i dont know how to do it right. 

So i might appear funny or act funny in a lot of situation or how i react to certain matter. 

I have a weird way of how i show affection and hatred. 

But im glad im good at self motivation. I manage it ever since i become conscious of how terrible my life was as a child. From the day i know sadness and fearsome and pain. 

Phobia of people fighting, of people shouting, of people ignoring me, of them threatening me, of them being selfish... 

I hated my life. I hated god and i scold him every single day. I denied him. I hated my parents and i wish them gone forever. But i never try to end my life. I endured so much of pain that i somehow know that life is too precious to be sacrificed. Why sacrifice mine when i know it will be the most glorious of all. My future is my ticket to escape and excel. 

Nothing much is more painful that the whole dramatic childhood combined kot... 

So in conclusion, do i need a man for a better life? 

No. But it could be fun for physical intimacy. 

Do i need a man to be happy? 

Only if he is and wish to be strong for me. There is no one in life that is made for each other. It is the willingness that counts. 

Do i need a man? 

She could be a woman, it could be a gay... 

Yes. 

I do need someone who is willing to shoulder me one day if i collapse. 

Someone who will not give up on me.

Someone who wont let me go even if i shout and push him away. 

Cuz he know too well that i need him. 

Hmmp

Lol

Well. I thk i have answered the question. 

Why?

Sigh. Why not?


*

Happie Birthday Genesis Khoo.

One step forward, two steps back.

Of every effort made each time, both withdraw an opportunity. Therefore we could never meet.
Are this little signs?

Not every thing you learn in life or lesson can be applied towards the similar situation whats more on different condition or person.

Leo never take defeat lightly. We hardly forgive and we never forget. I might act silly or calm but at one particular time thousands of thoughts could have occupy my head. I may appear busy but my mind could be blank. Just my body doing the pre assigned job but my soul drifted.

I always thought i know myself. But apparently not.
I thought i have everything figured but i dont.
I thought i am almost quite confirmed but not entirely certain to quit yet i jump back right into the same misery who got me tangled in this stupid mess.

Im a semi perfect example of a typical leo. Self proclaimed charming, likes being the centre of attention and likes to lead among others. I only wish i inherit all others strongly cuz i begin to lose the feline charm. Im getting tired of leading, i might shy away from a lot of matters and for that alone i dont feel as passionate and charming as i use to be.
Without the feline power, i am nothing.

I want to do what i used to do to make me feel superior again. I want to stand on the stage. I wish to be recognized. I want to be able to impress someone i admire n respect. I want to travel. I wanna feel whole again.

Y is it so hard?
Haiz period delay cost me so much of emotion leaking.

I always know what i want. All along. Perhaps I dont dare to ask for it. End up i lost them forever all the time.

I hate it when one directly or indirectly threatened to leave me. Wanting to depart and be away from me. Wanting to die. Wanting to resign. Wanting to travel far n away. Wanting to be apart with me. Im no good in goodbye. I know how it works. I know if our foundation is not solid we will end up like strangers in the future. Far too many experiences i have. Hardly anyone leave promise to keep in touch. Hardly who promise to keep in touch keep the promise.

I always thought i have a crystal clear heart. I am observant towards things n person i care about. I might surprise you on things i know about you. I might selectively ask question or i might not as i never wish to make ppl feel uneasy shall they wish to keep secret from me. No point. If you believe me at all you wont hesitate to even question my loyalty. Once they got interrogated they might start to divert attention to other issues or may start to lie. I hate liars. I hate those who make empty promises. I especially hate those who confuse me and make me believe the illusion of what they wish to let me see.

All i ever needed was a simple life. No it wasnt then. Now perhaps. I dont know. At least im trying to go simple. I wish for a drama free life. Total freedom to love and be loved. What is it so difficult to say an i love you to the one that you love? Yet it is impossible for me. Perhaps deep down i know once you love you never go back. There is no unlove button in life. And when life claims it back i have no right to keep it.

If i say i love you, can i keep you forever - casper

Baby i miss u so much. But i really wish to let go thinking of our final journey together. You were sick and all i can do was to watch you suffering and die in my arm. 12 years of our love shall be forever embedded deep in the core of my heart. I wanna miss you all the time. But a lot of memory fades and i dont dare to rewind. Recalling your final day tore my heart into pieces. I broke down every single time. What have i done to deserve you for a good 12 years. I could have give you a better life now but you couldn't wait any longer.

Im sorry for all the undeserving pain and drama you accompanied me through. Im sorry you never get to enjoy your doggie freedom as i sucks in obtaining mine. I may have once thought you were my additional obstacle in my freedom only because i have an extra worry to consider on every choices i make. I may have neglected you when i moved on to certain stages of live. But i never once not love you.

Whatever i have with you i have completely lost it for 2 years without you.
I want to love again baby.
You will always be my 1st.
Pls wish me luck in finding your successor.
I wish you dont miss me wherever you are. A happier life and and much love there and after.

A Sunday

A well Sunday

Nice dates and movie.

The movie is named Inside out by pixar. Im glad i watched it as unlike other pixar or disney movie, this one was somewhat special but it never drew enough attention for me to wanting to watch. But i heard many praises on it and my bff wish to watch it with me.

Apparently she is more to sadness the character while im more to joy's. We were opposite extreme but little that we know we compliment each other so well.

The movie is very brilliant and funny and totally engaging. The imaginative items and how they put it together in the movie was superb. There were times i was so pissed with sadness cuz she was so negative and bloody turn off. The whole drama was basically caused by her and her sadness.

But by the end of the movie u will realised that she was the missing factor when things turn ugly. One needs sadness when things go wrong. One needs to cry to release built emotion. U cant always be happy cuz life is not always rainbows and butterflies.

The movie focus on a girl of 11 years old who life was perfect until the family need to relocate to a new state. The innocence happie life suddenly turned upside down and sadness took it hard. She did a lot of silly things involuntary but it turned out necessary. Joy was agitated and things gone chaotic. The whole journey later introduced more on the director's creative mindset of the human mind. I like bingbong character too.

Hmmp... thought provoking movie. Good job pixar.
I only wish bing bong n joy stay with me forever.

Then dated bae for dinner. Ermmm limteh kot.
Say dinner but he ate like a mouse... ish. Then he gave in and ate again... he is gotta hate me for all the fats...
My coffee partner who dont drink coffee...
Free flow of lemon water... he drank so much we were offered a jag of it. Lolz.

You and ur silly mouse ish charm :)