June: Ups & Downs

June O June.

The beginning of the month was kinda nice.
How nice?

I was really force making a dream come true. This Birthday gig is going to happen one way or another.
Nothing will stop me from making it happen. No matter how much it costs and how difficult it is to get a venue.

So as always, I will seek help & advise from Alvin. He is indeed a good friend. Whenever I need help, he will never say no. He got some suggestion ready & somehow he kinda insist on Brudgee in Seremban 2.
He told me it was a pub and I knew that the pub also offer live gig to its visitor. Since I'm not really a drinking kaki, I've never been there. I heard Ong Wei Kuan is playing there, a ex paulian schoolmate.

So one fine Sunday, I managed to collect 3 of us inclusive Christine to practice. A good start!
Then we proceed to with venue which Alvin suggested.  We reached the pub around 9pm. The boss was around. He questioned my purpose to organize the party since I wasn't 21 yrs old or something similar to celebrate. Well he surely has no idea why I do so.

We asked to survey the venue. A pub ma... so sure there is some unpreventable smoke stink from previous night. But the moment I stepped in, I saw the stage. An almost complete set of instruments inclusive a drum set, mixer 2-3 amps and few mics were on the stage. 
We did what performers naturally do when we saw a stage! We headed to the stage & performed a few of our songs.

I was so nervous cuz it was sometimes back since I last sang on stage. I sang If I Die Young, Sweet Child O Mine, Dreams & I Believe I can fly.
The boss clapped each time we finished a song. I was like, hey we were adjusting to the environment & we're like shit although I sang pretty good XD.

I think we surprised him. We excused ourselves & headed to talk further about the date & time.
I knew I wanna perform there. I can really stay whole night. I asked for the venue to be on Saturday but he insisted No as he has frequent customers on that day. But he did offer Sunday venue for FOC.
I was bewildered. But on Sunday wor. Now I have to make a decision. Hard! I'm always no good especially one with consequences.

He was full of praises I can still recall in detail. He wants us to be one of his live gig performers. The boss doesn't take agent's singers. He somehow was very interested in my voice. I choose to believe his every word.

Sometimes you just require the right timing, opportunity & people to make a thing work. Everything works out right that very night.
It was awesome!

Middle of June: 2 new officers came to my branch. 1 is a mobile officer who has been servicing KL for sometime came back to be stabilized in Seremban. A new colleague. Then, a new Graduate Trainee came as well. I was chosen to be his Mentor. >.< I really don't understand why not another annoying experience colleague and why me?? But I have fun anyway cuz I love teaching. So I have extra 2 pairs of hand to clear up workload. 

Oh anyway, for those who didn't know, I am the head of consumer team since beginning of this year. My boss say that I must learn to manage people.

OK lor.
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The downs: My cousin sis who is just 18 yrs old is suffering from growth in her belly.
Had a surgery and is recuperating. The feeling of possibly losing someone in your life is so disturbing.
It was just last year when it happened, I am not ready to face another one in anytime soon.
Seeing everybody cries broke my heart to million of pieces. It was a risky surgery which cost her half a liver & half a stomach. Still is under doctor's supervision.

My mom had a pap smear done with HPV DNA analysis. The report shows she has HPV gene number 52, a higher risk of HPV virus is within her ovary. I feel like I was thrown to hell, experienced death and brought back to live just to die again. Yea... that kinda feeling. I know her alright. That would troubles me cuz she will be emotionally disturbed. Wow. That stupid gene aint gonna kill her, her stubbornness & depression would.
I can't control someone else's feeling. I can't help anyone if they don't help themselves. Now after some effort I hope those professional advise from doctor could help her sink those info in and that she knows she is ok. Not dying!

Another one incident caused by a stupid pitiful kitten hide in my car engine. Arghhh....
I would just skipped it. I can't manage a word for this matter. 

My branch will relocate to a new building roughly 1KM away. Massive packing & spring cleaning are required every saturday until the very day that we move. I can't imagine how huge the relocation would be in front of everybody's eyes on a busy street in coming July. Chaotic!

I realized the very reason why I was hardworking in my job. It's the only thing at the moment who could provide me security financially and that it's the only thing that I could fully control! As much as I wanted freedom, I have yet to achieve emotional freedom I yearned day and night.

& Since I mati mati  to deliver my job and that everybody say my boss sayang me. We shall see how much bonus the branch will allocate to me. Sayang is total bullshit if you can't translate my hard effort to something I deserve. Nuff said.

-emo-

-always-

I always have random thoughts at the most odd hours. However my smartphone isn't smart enough for me to blog it right away. Eventually I would forgot by the end of the day or the laziness prevent me to even starting to write in.

To solve this & all problem caused by my phone, I must get a new smartphone. :P
I find it hard to make that decision. I count myself married to things that I attached with. My phone, my watch, my laptop, my bag, etc etc, they all stay until they get themselves broken. I won't buy another or even look for one if they behave & stay functional.
My bloody phone is causing me so much of discomfort. It keeps shutting down on its own, i suspect battery problem.

Yes, I'm divorcing it! I hope my Myvi stay with me for a good long run. Though I always wanted a Honda, but I can't afford to have another commitment.

My mom asked me today why I didn't want my dad to buy the phone instead. He bought my mom & my brother's when theirs are worn out. Why wouldn't I want a free gift? Really? Since ages ago, I only ask for necessity. The last most expensive gift he had given me was my Myvi's down payment. What I can do for him as a daughter was his financial freedom on my portion & my freedom of ownership. I do not want to be held responsible for people's gift. My purchase my stuff. Mine! What I do with it is my full responsibility. My freedom! I don't like being questioned, being told what to do anymore. The slightest rebellious act I can execute. So let me be.

Don't get me wrong. I love gift. Gifts that surprise, gift that's selfless, thoughtful & seeks no return. Gift that comes from the heart that seeks no expectation & interest. A gift as simple as a hug. A gift as simple as a letter from across the continents. A value beyond measurement.

I don't know what happen to me! Emotional as always. Becoming an introvert. Hating big gathering! Always so angry. Maybe I know, I just don't want to face it or not discuss about it.
As long as I can deal with it, I'm fine.

After series of unfortunate events last year, I've learned my lesson!
Nobody could help me better than myself. Talking to anyone would not solve my problem unless he could solve it for me. Good listener my ass! Maybe I haven't met strong motivator yet. I found most listener & solver wannabee irritating. I have to constantly keep reminding myself that people are just trying to help & that I should be grateful. Why do I even have to put myself into this yet another situation to deal with.

Now I don't just wanna chase perfection, I stress badly on chasing freedom.
Sorry happily ever after & a fairy tale wedding. I never wish & now I do not want you at all.
Silly right? Why would I even have that concern? Not that anybody want me anyway. 
Lol. A constant reminder is good.

I used to feel awful being neglected. Now I find silence powerful.

I watched Pinnochio today on Disney channel. Now that helps. Nostalgic! I grow up watching cartoon. The only escape I have when I was a child. Maybe I should be grateful that I even have chance to watch cartoon then. I'm still a big fans for animation. There is where I reminisce good old times. 

The other night, my family have a gathering. My aunt the good cook made some serious good dishes & as usual the family have random talks & big laugh filled the air. They throwback those happy moments during their childhood. Those poor but very happy childhood. They laughed so hard I can almost tasted their joyride of memories. I'm pretty sure my mom didn't have a fair share of good times. I'm not sure if my dad was satisfy with his cuz I was told he was a pretty good elder son for my grandma. But everyone of them know I don't have a happy one.

I. Mine was pretty intense. Haha. It wasn't a good one I must say. I turned out to be quite obedient. Understanding & good was always my label. My aunt said I was my mom's bonus. Her struggles in earlier life become fruitful in her later years, which was now, my most independent, prime stage of life.

My past shaped me into who I am today. I have manageable attitude problems but I'm okay. But I started to hate behaving the way I did. Can't help doing what I did cuz it's becoming my weapon of defense. Since nobody protect me from what I hate, I might as well jump on that matter & make a big fuss out of it before they come hurl at me. LOL. No, not like that. Never mind. None of your business.

That's why I'm grateful to those who embrace me & I don't blame those who walked out of me. I just hope you don't regret it cuz I don't bloody give 2nd chance. Those who know me knows.

Macam very repetitively right? Women! Biasa la. Nothing new in my life. Except that I'm planning a gig. Like usual I'm forcing myself to be committed with it. However, I have to seek help from my musician fwens. Not sure if they are willing to but I think they are & will make it work together for my Bday. Pls make this work. :)

An awkward situation when you feel like crying and tears were at the edge of your eye balls while you were eating in a public crowded restaurant. Funny how when I was surrounded by noise & people I could still lock myself pretty much to my own world. Yesterday saw a photo post by MIAR. A gal found a dog in a bad shape where his testicles were badly infested by maggots. My dog suffers similar sickness, milder one & his testicles were so heavy due to either excessive body fluid or tumor that its skin teared :( That was before he couldn't walk, that was before he went blind, that was before his hearts fails him.
I couldn't shake that image out of my head. The only time when my mind is at ease is when I'm out of office, that's when my mind drift. & I miss him. Sigh.

Oh, I went to NTLP 17!!! Yes! & I manage to go to Dayao UM too! Managed to teach some juniors about showmanship. Glad I could contribute in sumthing & I'm glad I'm still being remembered positively on my best strength. :)

Happy to know some committed juniors & most excited to meet dear old birds. Now even my batch last juniors are watching NTLP with me as audience. Can't help feeling old & nostalgic. Wish I could took more leaves, be the first to welcome earliest new & old tuners & also be the last to wave goodbye to dearest one.
Didn't manage to meet quite a few that I care of. Anyway, there was improvement. I fought my will to drive up. Stay overnight there at a friend place. Spend quite the entire days @ Dectar & had a fabulous dinner date at al-fariz <3 p="">
A friend has been giving me cold-shoulder lately. I kinda know why but I don't know why she need to do so. Couldn't you tell me what went wrong & your feeling? Tell out & fix it once & for all. I really am speechless.
Of all the good things I have done for friends & I deserve this? Yet I give a damn. I truly am disappointed!

When I look into the photo of me & my baby, (if I ever manage to lay my eyes on one as I have been blurring my vision especially when I need to scroll back previous photos) I see another girl with him. Very unfamiliar sight. 
I'm not trying to be dramatic. She was a sad girl but she wasn't alone. When she is sad, she finds him and he gives all he could for her. Baby he cant talk but his eyes convinced her not to give up hope.
Now I look into a mirror I saw a sad reflection & I was alone. It's so difficult to see beyond that.
I have to face every difficulty myself. I lost my comfort & pillar of strength.
Maybe someone like me don't deserve a good soul like him. After all, he has given me a good 12 years of
companionship. During a time I don't have my very best to give him more than I could. 
I made many many wrong decision inclusive time when he suffers in old age. Until today I wonder whether
letting him go was a wise choice?
I just feel so surreal to live my life without him. It's like for the past 5 months I was living lifelessly. I return home for no reason.

Every being of my fiber miss him badly. My yearning to hug him grow every insomnia night.
The warm & fuzzy hugs, the hairs on my lips when I kiss him on his head and nose. The manja things I did on him, the tricks that we played... the good old times.

I love you Choy Choy. I hope every tear that I shed pay you good wishes in afterlife. There is nothing else I could offer. Please stay in my heart forever.

I guess I'm not made to deal with any of these feeling. 

It was one fine night when she talked shit I wished I didn't argued back. Her extreme practice of stuff kind pushed me to a point break emotionally. I wish that she was just a nobody so I could walk out on her as I wish. She was not wrong not entirely right & that made me so hating her attitude. 

Again she want to put the blame on me for doing the things I love, things I'm positively vulnerable on. 

She assists me in a way I thought I got a silent approval to proceed & out of a sudden she push the red button again. So to shut her mouth to ever blame me on it again, I chased the kitty away. 

Kitty has been asking for too much of attention that I could ever provide & it's too much for her to bear with. 

When too much goes beyond, I got to be blamed. Selfishly, I just wanna feed kitty cuz my family is food wasters. So why waste when I could use it for better reason. I wish to play with it only when I wishes to cuz I wouldn't take any pet in now, so long that she is alive or only  when I buy my own house, stay alone so that whatever I do is none of her business. 

So I chased Kitty away hopefully kitty could be smart enough only to come to eat & don't make so much of noise bad enough to be forbidden of foods. 

The next night I came back late again, prepared the food & went out to seek for Kitty. She was always around since I started feeding her. :( But she wasn't there. I went out twice but she was not around.

Today is the second day she disappeared. She said the whole street of cats are missing. It rarely happens. 

That sudden disappearance & lost got me startled again. 

That feeling is very awful & I hated it when it strike. & prior to her missing, I chased her away against my will. 

When we argued that night, she repeated those history stuff again, toughing the forbidden subject again.

I lost it. Why does she always love making me cry. For goodness sake! She always have to keep me guessing & questioning was it love or responsibility that keep me staying?

All of these years, if must be she who is capable of making me sad & sorrowful. 

Gosh. I really miss my baby. :'( Help me heal. Help me get through this! 

Sometimes I'm glad I have this demanding job cuz it keeps my mind off my personal stuff. I just need to focus on the work & everything else comes second. 

I was so good at it, my boss stood up for me when someone wanna shoot me. You and your selfishness can't bring me down. TQ boss. I have faith in you so don't betray me so long I don't fail you. 

Wherever the kitty is, I hope she is fine. She deserve good home & caring owner. Just a little too sticky. 

I would still preserve my love towards animals. Until the right time comes. My neighbour's 2 hyper active poodles loves my attention. That kinda helps.

 I wish I could tell somebody how not OK I am. But it never escape my mouth whenever I feel like it. It seems that they have more stories to tell & mine will just be too dark & they need me to listen rather than talk. Thus to even out, I would just stay home, hide & turn down offer to go out.

Oh well, it dies here.

Today was a rushed out days. My bff bday falls on weekday and we could either celebrate a weekend earlier or later. She couldn’t make it for the latter thus, out of a sudden my laid back Sunday is filled with a rushed happy leisure. 

Fang came down again. The next time we will accommodate you love. Sorry to make you making the trips down always. My girls are making so much effort to keep a relationship rocking that would put any boy to shame. 

A simple purposeful gathering to cheer our Kheng up especially she fought & won a battle with dengue fever just recently. The three of us despite being luckily near, we made an unsound vow to go trips & celebrate days together. It used to be 5 of us. Maybe soon we will resume as 5. 

I truly believe friendship depth can’t be measured by years of knowing each other but grows along the number of years. Along the years I meet new people got pretty close to a few and eventually dump others that don’t worth my care. 

I saw an old friend past me by one morning while I was driving to work. I could recognize her instantly. Part of me wanted to call out to her excitedly but part of me hold back wanting to hide my face fearing she could see me. That respond startled me because I couldn’t tell if I was ashamed of myself or that I hate her that much. 

I cannot remember what had happened to us but it must be something I hate that she did to me or that a disappointment so great she caused that made me disowned her.

Bad memory or simply I choose to forget it because recalling it saddens me. 

One of my bff was being called names. She was accused of being self pride cuz of being overly self proclaiming due to low self esteem. She got upset & I know why. I see a lot of myself in her. We have similar attitude. Normally people who have similar attitudes don’t get along well. I have2 of such friends & we proved otherwise. 

Being dealt with such issue long time ago, having to discover these problem myself made me immune to critics. I like myself, I know myself & I show myself off once in awhile. I don’t see it as a problem. If you do, kindly shut up & walk away. I’m sorry my greatness caused you any discomfort. 

 

Many people have walked out from my pathway. Some happened to be my favourite people but they choose not to keep in touch. Some I regret knowing some I regret letting go. 

Since November last year, losing the love of my life made me realize nothing is forever. Nothing!

I don’t want be attached to anything that would cost me such grief by any chance or choice.

Then the stupid cat comes along. Arghhh…..I don’t know what to do with it. I’m feeding her daily. She makes annoying sound & stick to my feet all the times I walk out. I don’t hate her. I don’t wanna love her.  

I’m finding closure in a lot of things, in a lot of ways. But definitely not to replace a loss with a love. I dwell myself into work & it hasn’t been kind at all. I find bullies everywhere & I snapped pretty easily because I’ve been working so hard & I found it being misused & unappreciated. I am after all in demand & I’m not afraid to lose my job. I could go anywhere anytime with given experience & exposure. You piss me off again & I shall let you see what I am capable of. I’m waiting for just one opportunity. It came & you’re gone!

I need a life you life sucker!

I seriously need a break prior to anymore hell break lose. My work load is getting crazy & sales are good. 

I just don’t earn as much as I’m worth of. That’s very depressing & sad. Just too sad. 

 

I’m a woman with talent with no audience. A woman with capability but immobile, temporary.

A woman who is underpaid & unloved. I’m just very uneventful you see.

However, I should be grateful. I should be. But a lot more people should be more grateful for the extra time & freedom their parents could give them for them being healthy & independent & lovely towards each other that it provides you so much of free wills to do what you do best in your prime age. 

Yes you should be grateful!

I have a soft spot for people that I care. Thus limiting it allows me to be more selfish & be more kind to myself. I think I’m getting confused & draggy. It’s time to hit the sack. 

Rise super early in the day for the past 6 days & sleep late as always every night. 

Bad dreams every night. Few nights continuously dreams about dogs & one of the fine night, it was my dog. 

It was clear, so vivid. He was there laying, going to get excited cuz I began to lure him with bread I was eating. Reality hit in in my dream, a voice told me he was dead & I woke up sombre. 

It was bad. So very bad.

I used to share my food with him. Now I have to take it alone & it makes me fat. 

That's y. :'D

Anyway... I begin to enjoy driving alone exploring places while doing inspection & listening to the radio whole day. 

I hope I don't get use to this, worst still enjoy doing everything alone. 

Possibly not but I begin to doubt. 

More vacation planning soon.

National Park will come 1st & soon.