I used to be very eager to participate in a gathering. I am picky toward whose gathering to go to but I never say no to those few groups which include U65, NTLP, Bio girls & PT dancer's. I'm a regular.

It seems I managed to decline all their offers this year. Sigh. Latest being tonight's. 

I had a karaoke season with one of the U65's gf. 

Our first duo K date. It's comfortable & voice was at its best. 

Duo date to gathering, another gf whom cannot join us in karaoke initiated a yamcha gathering instead.

I for the 1st time hesitated. I don't wish to go. I'm dying to see those faces again but not now & definitely not like this. 

It's awkward when everyone shares update & most awkward when people ask about my current being. 

Friends who care enough will definitely avoid question like this. I really want such comfort from them but at the same time I want to avoid. The only answer I might throw out could be simply as Don't You Already Know? No? Then You might As Well Don't Ask No More. 

I'm not looking forward to share my recent updates & I'm not ready to take in much information about others yet. I might really enjoy the gathering but I can't guarantee of not being restless & moody. 

If I have to be on guard to how I behave even in front of my closest friends, than I think I better give it a pass. 

The new year date with Kheng & Fang also not finalize thanks to my uncertainty. 

I wanted to say no but I really want them to be with me in welcoming 2014.

:(

Pls help me! Fix me! Guide me! How do I come out of this mess?!

I realized that people come to me when they have unsolved matter & sadness. Or that I will go to them.

I on the other hand often wish people will offer me comfort by figuring out that I'm in trouble. 

I'm not sure why I behave the way I did. Maybe because I couldn't figure who could be the one who really stand by me in time of needs & who would be willing to listen & save me. Ego matter maybe.

Attitude problem at its worst. lol. There is no cure for this sickness. Just let me die with it. 

I have a lot of thoughts. These unsaid words are yearning to be unleashed but find no attention. 

I was trying my best not to think, relax & really shut down communication as it further excite my creativity of phrasing thoughts. 

My mind sometimes will act on its own against my will. It seems to have malfunctioned or that it has its own life whereby it speaks for itself, generating ideas & phrasing thoughts. Most of the time those stuff are really brilliant but depressing. 

Tonight it found a channel & it found its listener. 

Somehow. 

Today is the last prayer prior to my grandpa 100th day after his passing. 

3 months & counting. The family, 30 of us (representative of each son & daughters) went to Nirvana Memorial @ Semenyih to complete the service. I being a free thinker questions stuffs, I left them unheard. Not necessary. I do whatever I could to make everyone feel comfortable. It's not wrong. Anything that could possibly be done to make my grandpa feel at ease I would.

I guess it was period, I blamed it on period. 

I was very emotional these few days. Yesterday was unbearable. 

Since my dog passed away, I tried to stay focus & alert most of the time cuz I don't wanna let the the hollowness get the better of me. 

Sometimes I just couldn't. I would cry in complete silence. I wish I could just bawl out. These tears seek no comfort thus, nobody should see them. I was hugging my pillow while sleeping last night, I suddenly missed hugging my dog having his head rest on my chest. He would rest & let me hold him until he got restless. 

 I am trying my level best to find peace. I don't know how to deal with it. 

There must be a way! I wish there is an easier way. Nobody should ever feel this pain of loss. I can't move on like this as I couldn't emotionally attach to anyone this close anymore. 

To spell out every detail of the hell I've been through these few months are just too much for me to share.

Overwhelmingly hard. I tried, some volunteered, some shut me down completely. 

Ignorance is bliss. Some practices that.

I am exceptionally grateful to those I've found comfort with be it intentionally initiated myself or completely genuine offers from others. Having said that, I am also very disappointed for only in time of needs we can see who would or wouldn't be there for you. I'm sad that one of them is you. You chose to shut me out completely. Why only now? But thank you cuz I already knew why.

 *

The Penang trip was meant as an escape. A freedom granted by my baby, I left with no longing, utterly ignoring all things & head to Penang; To find comfort.

Purposely arranged a lonesome one day stay by the beach but I somehow give in to my gfs company. I need them around. Believe it or not, I hate myself crying. I will try my possible best not to cry & having a company will help. I knew Siew Win was expecting me to share out as she already knew what has happened. 

We shared deep thoughts & secrets which reminds me her importance to me. 

I sat at my hotel balcony which faced partial sea view at about 11.30pm. Finally some stars after a short drizzle rain. I was reminded that my dog has already left me for a whole complete month. 13/11/2013 - 13/12/2013. How organized things came out naturally when you least or no plan for it at all. 

I made wishes, I called his name by heart, I cried for a good 30 minutes whiles texting Yonlek who thankfully has been with me & endure for the past 1 month. Siew Win being smart & understanding gave me room to cry cuz she knew if she came to me, I wouldn't be able to release it all. She knew me too well. Not to forget Hooi Ling & Joanne Tan. They kept my sanity in check for a good 4 days.

* 

Tomorrow should be a happy day. It was a day I anticipated & I was the 1st to say yes for another Xmas gathering for PT dancer group prior to my dog's death.

I officially declined it yesterday to many's surprise. Well, they shouldn't be. 

After much thought, I really think I should stay off from this gathering. I'm not sure if it was for their benefit or that I'm just completely selfish. A gathering of new updates, joy & love. What I have now is just complete sorrow & death news. How do I update them? To keep silence? To tell out & cast an awkward spell during Xmas spirit? I couldn't. I wouldn't. I love them too much to do so. I know I might have think too much but as much as it is against my will, I choose to absence from this gathering. If you can't understand this, then you may continue not to.

Perhaps, I'm not ready to face attention just yet. I'm not ready to forget & forgive, most definitely not ready to let go. 

2 weeks to go to year 2014. I only wish to stay calm & problem free. I don't think I can take in another blow, at least not in this year anymore. 

Year 2013 had me near brink of suicidal. 3 lost. Too much a heartbreak. I won't miss you one bit.

2 week & counting

I miss you everyday

Not a day passes by without a tear

Not a day passes by without whispering your name

I'm trying to believe that I never had you

That you were just a beautiful dream

That I have just woke up to reality

Sometimes I tried to believe that you never died

Cuz I still see you everywhere

So close yet so far

I'm trying so hard to act strong

Not to cry in front of others

Cuz they will laugh, they will not understand

They will not care

They will not help

The one I love dearest has leave me forever

Never thought a loss could have such power

To break and crumble

Far greater than any pain I've been

To endure, to last

11 years of memories

I cant promise to remember all

Yet can't choose to lose any

I seek for mercy

I seek for forgiveness

I seek for your comfort in afterlife

We shall reunite soon in one sweet day.

After all the necessary

25 years to go....

I love you baby so very much.

The hollowness is killing me. You don't go miss me. Seek for your freedom & joy.

Thank you for keeping me grounded & sane. That dies with you. A gift taken back.

:') Muah Muah.

Remembering My Love Wong Coi

 Today I became a murderer. 11 years ago I was a savior. Or so I thought.
He has been with me for a good decade of wonderful journey since I was in Form 2.
He came into my life when I lost his little sister in a car accident. I was crying very badly which prompted
my dad to bring in another puppy to cheer me up. The rest was history.

Greeted him good morning and good night became my daily routine whenever I'm at home. While I was away for PLKN & University, my mother became his mother, taking care of him, feeding & cater to his needs & he would keep my family safe and sound. He was not the typical dog like others. He was a scary cat who's sensitive to thunder, fire crackers, bathing & even big men. I became very protective over him. I remember how my parents often scolded me for being too close with him. I would be hugging him, letting him lick me all over my face and we would share foods. I often smell like him too.

As time goes by, responsibility caught up, social network got widen, more people and work needed to be handled. However, without fail, I would pet and talk to him everyday. I have a lot of nicknames for him but he respond to me anyhow. I would annoy & make him jealous when I pet a stray or neighbour's pets & in return he would bark and come disturb as a warning. He makes home a sweeter place to come back to after a long working day. He was a comfort when days get rough and being with him give me a sense of serenity.

Now that I'm a working adult, I could provide him more necessities he could use especially medical care. Sadly, his health deteriorate as he ages. By the time I realized it, he was already too weak and old for advance treatment. Doctor could only prescribed medicines to control & hopefully prolonged his life.
Not long after my grandpa pass away in September, his condition worsened by day. The abdomen & testicle swelling aside, his hind legs were weakening. I was made known to expect the worst and was even offered to put him to sleep. Subconsciously, I believe that as long as he could still eat and be responsive, he might be able to carry on further. I wanted to believe that he wants to stay alive, with me.

Starting November, I began to see his partial blindness. His breathing was hard and forceful and he would have difficulty to stand up on his own. I cater to him to walk in the morning and night since then. It was difficult of course but I was most willing to. There was a chinese saying that goes 'the light bulb burn its brightest before it burns out'. He was somehow giving me his best effort to cheer me up prior to his worst condition.

On the 13th of November, I made my life's hardest decision, that's to put him to sleep. I was pondering, fighting my thought not to do so. Am I being kind to let him go from being suffering or am I cruel to continue to let him stay suffering? I don't have an answer.  Either way I knew I was dying witnessing him gasping for air while waiting for his heart to stop unpredictably if it was prolonged. It was a forced decision, it was the right decision. I could do it better, I could do it later. I then called up to the doctor & the caretaker.

He was a family, my best friend & soul mate for a good 11 years. I don't know how I will live through this but my only wish now is that he found peace. I hope he knows that I love him dearly.
I will miss him forever.

I'm sorry I don't know how to say a prayer to you dear love. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the best care and times you deserve. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you now. I keep wanting to chant your name like I used to when I come home. I keep wanting to go out for you whenever the commercial break comes in. I keep spying on you spying me when I'm eating. I miss wishing you good night & that I'll see you tomorow morning when I lock the door. I don't know that a lost could be so surreal and intimidating. Pls come visit me in my dream. I really wanna see u coi coi.

Thank you. I owe you my life :')

I know I shouldn't be here. But the pressure is too high I cant restrain myself to drop by.
Suffocated. Like real suffocation! Since my grandpa's death, I refrained myself from being emotional in front
of anybody. I swallowed everything. I thought I'm already okay. However, every time someone talks about him, it reminds me about him that he no longer alive. I got teary.

Now, someone closer to me than my grandpa, my father & my brother will soon leave me alone too.
My dog, my life companion for 11 years is suffering from aging health issue. His hind legs are weakened, so badly that he has difficulty standing up. Very soon he will lose his ability to walk. His breathing got difficult as standing up takes him great effort. It kills me seeing him like this. No pain is greater than this. Still I need to take it all in and try to carry on whatever I can still do. I'm living in denial. I know he won't get any better. But I really wanna make the best out of this and keep him as long as his wanted to. Despite his weakness, he is still responsive & eating. I cant put him to sleep in this condition. I'm living everyday in fear. I'm not sure if I can still see him in the morning or the next call I received from my mom is that my dog is dead. Life can be really cruel. Maybe this is a punishment? The fact that I disowned god when I was little? Everything happened too many too soon. I'm too weak to cope with all these anxiety & challenges, all by myself.

A day of happiness bring me a day of sadness. I haven't even have time to digest all good things on the 31st then came surprises on the 1st. Again it concludes my negativity has a solid facts to it.

Exam coming this saturday. I'm not in the best position to focus in it. I wanted to just fail it and have more time for me & my baby but ego shut the idea down. I'm sick of myself.
Time to leave u. Come back to you on Sunday. Hopefully, my baby would still be around. :(

Hi, it has been long. I miss talking to you too. Many unpost blog & many unwritten memories. I wonder how I could have actually missed doing what I favored. I used to have time to for this... a time intentionally given to voice out alphabetically. But it seems I rather sacrifice it for something else. Yet I was reluctant to sleep regardless of whether I'm spending time blogging or not. So where did my time went?

Anyway... nothing really special has happened recently. Except for my grandpa was hospitalized for coming 3rd week already due to stroke. He is now bed ridden, however stable with constant care with family. I am impressed & proud that all his 7 children took turn to take care for him. 3 of his sons take night shift alternately including my dad. I'm touch to see such spirit & I'm just glad my grandpa will not have to be alone at any moment he is in hospital. We knew he would be scared.

At the very same time, I have discovered my dog aged dramatically these months. His stomach's bloat was obvious & I couldn't act like nothing has ever happened. Sometime my only way to care less is to ignore. This is beyond my will. He got weakened, urinated more & drank & ate excessively. Doctor said a term I kept forgetting, then simplified it as weakening of heart which leads to excess fluid accumulate in tummy area.
Every time I touch it I could feel he is suffering from it. Not long ago, his tail bottom near anus bleed. That was the part where I noted darkened then subsequently it swollen & bleed. Doctor said it could be cancer/tumor. My dog is too old to go under the knife. Old or not I wouldn't let him be operated. Selfish I might be, I would not unless critically needed. I can't let him bare the fear.

I remember vividly how the doc came to my house, ask em to wore him the mouth shutter preventing him to bite or bark. He ask me to hold my dog so tight that he could barely breath so doc could inject some medicine near the buttock for the heart strengthening. Nobody could tell how badly I felt at that moment. That injection n some pills at Raya 3rd day cost me RM100.

People say if money could solve the problem , then it ain't a problem. I only wish that all problem I wanted to avoid could be solve by cash. I have very weak heart. I lost a dog once. I will very soon be forced to face another lost. How do I get by? I normally do it alone... But as year goes by, I don't think I'm strong enough.

Work got me feeling like a pro at one second, so very scare/stress at another second. Very soon I need to check-in into bipolar rehab for sure. I doubt I could handle these much of work pressure. I could but against my nature. Blurness & careless, lazy & creative are my element. All these are not meant to work well in bank.

I got very sick last wed night. High fever. I don't normally fall sick but once it comes, it's gotta be some strong viruses. The moment I'm in pain & ache, I pray. To whom you ask? I wonder too! If Nsync could save me, I pray to them. If you could save me I'd pray for u. Which is why I'm always grateful to those who ever lend me a hand. Be it small favor or not, when I needed you, You're always there. Well, not many. So, not quite hard to repay them.

Guess I pretty much sum up these 2 months of griefs. Of course there are also good news and stuff. The good ones I often share out loud. The bad ones always end up here. Fair la... Nobody wish to share negativity & sadness. Let them just died here & be gone.

Good. Cried, while Emo & Hatred are all released in one shitty post. Time to sleep & get ready to face the bloody world tomorrow. Seriously weekend pun work? FML. I meant saturday & Sunday combined. Again, why do I work so hard for a fixed income? U tell me.

August - Mine!!!

August has arrived, it's a month for all Leo boys n gals. 

I had a nice birthday date with few of my favourite babes. I had a pleasant outing, dinner & movie with Kheng & Choco.

This one was 1 week prior to my Bday... Lek Lek predicted that I would be taken by someone on the actual day... Awhhh

I wanna make the whole August as a celebration of my entry into the world. :)

I keep making decision & surprises to myself. Bought myself One Republic concert tickets which is due on the 31st Oct 2013. I often wanted to celebrate Halloween in KL. Purfect! I often wanted to explore Sunway Lagoon. Purfect. I want my 1st concert date to be purfect. I'm not sure about my companion yet. So Malcolm, dun ffk me. Gosh, I'm feeling excited everyday knowing that I will meet Ryan Tedler very very soon!!!

I wanted VIP location though cuz I'm pretty sure Ryan will spot me. Hahaha.

I had myself 4 new CD collections out of the blue. Don't know why. I just thought that buying these CD are better than another stupid ring on the finger or a fuji-lomo cam which is an expensive hobby when I already had my digital cam which recover itself after weeks of being broken or an overly pricey white leathered analog watch RM1.6K when my Titus is still kicking.  

Special thanks to Hee & Tee Publishing House Co. LOL
It was a brilliant surprise :) It was like love at first sight... so much love lies in the poster.
So thoughtful So genuine. So in love with it.
 

I don't need a lot to be happy. I need the right thing. 

This bufday, one of my dearest decided to be out of malaysia. 

My bff chose to go NewZealand for working holiday on my bufday. I was so sad that she has to go alone & knowing that she is gonna be away for at least 6 months made me teary. :(

I just wanted her to come back safely soon. U owe me a present. Make sure u bring it back & hand it to me personally. I'm not gonna forgive u if u ever break this deal. 

Hitting the age of 25 makes me realized time is ticking off. I have an intuition that I only have time on earth till the ripe age of 50 yrs old. I'm kinda 50 yrs old now if u noe what I mean. LOL....

I'm a bit of a rush for everything now. 

& I feel utterly poor as I have enough cash & leaves for me to enjoy lifebut somehow I couldn't find kakis to go wherever place I should be going. 

I have specific taste for all type of preference. Sigh. Y couldn't I just be normal?

:)