Summary (yea...it’s gonna be long =P) of Jcdagreat’s 2nd year, 1st semester

The semester started off with hell lotsa anticipation and expectation. Too much planned and aims to strive for. It’s a semester of achievements and glory i aim to reach.

I thought i will not enjoy being a senior.... but watda heck, i’m after all a sister in the family. The instinct got the best of me and i think i annoyed some juniors being more of a sister than a senior...paiseh la. Don’t wish to...i damn wish for one to guide me when i was in junior phase okay...

...MY LADIES...

 

               

Well, very much anticipated fac night ended up kinda disastrous for me. It was totally outta my control and was a failure despite pulling it thru. I didn’t manage the communication among committee members well. I did not sourced out the main problem and i fail to make it right for each committee members. Tho there were lotsa fuss and annoyances, it was still a glamorous night.

At the end of the day, i was being called as giler kuasa and i dunnoe what else others... i guess i need not explain too much. Juniors and those who witnessed and understand what i’ve been thru are good enough to prove the truth. At least i made perfection in my field of responsibility and i took good care of what others left behind. You may continue to spit on me but i still wanna make amen to our broken friendships. An imperfect princess i might be, still i wish i have provided the best out of the imperfections.

 

Pesta Tanglung.... once a dancer, always a dancer....hence, i continue my journey there with better grip on skills and experiences. Nothing feels more satisfying than your effort and talents being acknowledged. No regret!!! Guess what, i’m just merely an inch to split my legs and mind you, i don’t train it from young. LOL.... will explore more on dancing.... new jazz/hip hop and latin soon. PT geng, stay united k...

superbly awesome nyte....
  

My course mates are just lovely... our relationships blossomed regardless of difference in field of interest and ideas... this team spirit is very important for us to stay united and hopefully, we can continue to be selectively assorted....haha... u noe what i mean...dun go to the different pole....we dun like independence k!!! Hahaha

 

Final exam was kinda depressing cuz despite all the business, i wanna make the best out of it. i was more than determined to score top and make this sem a breakthrough for me as a student. Push aside the cacatness in my study formulas, i did good in few favourites subjects. Well, finger crossed, a dean list is cuming....pls!!!!

 Bio UNITY.... muy perfecto!!!

I passed the two New Tune auditions and probably will be selected to perform the English song. But this time around, there was no expectation and no excitement. I went for it for the sake of my voice to be heard and not exactly hoping to be selected as performer. Guess i learned from the past experience...never expect too much when you did not do enough to impress. So, for next sem i will be exploring more in stage performance as a singer- my 1st love, forever love...lol. Hey, dancing, designing, fb, coffee and boys are all at the lower rang in the list of JCDAGREAT’s addictions k...

Good things aside, the imperfection in my sem was the death of my great grandma during my third paper, one of my fav subjects. Due to the wrong time the death came uninvited, i force myself to be extremely focused, and shutting down ur humanity and emotion is hard uc. My 1st lost was during form 1 where i lost my 1st dog. I used the same way to deal with my emotion. Guess i need to find a cure cuz it sucks. Another one will be the boring 21st bday of mine...lol. My family shud hav celebrated it this year rather than following the Chinese one....haiz.

beauty, crazy, hot, charming....lol...dun mind me...

I lost another favourite guy to another girl. I know her...nice but not prettier than me. Never mind ba, suit you. To add salt to injury, i never initiate any action to be close friend with him when i could have done so. Even if the news is not true, i will try to keep my mind off him for good. Still the same sickness, same consequences, and the same result i encounter. Will i ever recover? Will i ever change my mindset? Getting sick with it....i really wish to be less picky and more of a desperado....then at least i can score the grade B dude...haha.... or is that what i want? Probably i just needed a soul mate in university... FUU?? LOL....insanity vs fantasy.

 the lab memories...

Annoyingly, i have yet to visit Sg.Wang.... and many other places.... so since there ain’t many time consuming activities next sem, it’s my time to explore KL city...i gotta stop acting like a kampung gal uc....

Already looking forward to my x-mas celebration next sem.... dear frews, we hiao maximally yea...

U noe....it's easier to change oneself mindset than to change someone elses.... i really dont understand how insensitive one can be about other peoples feeling when she can be so overly sensitive with others stuffs....ironically, this is life. While other people are trying to be very sensibly understand u, motivate and guide u back to the right mindset, there u are shutting down urself, keeping all the crappy memories and living in negativities, and never fail to make ur life miserable, every elses too. You noe, if u r in pain, the one that care most for you feel far worst than u can ever think of. i hate being sensible.... i hate it when i can be so bothered caring about your well being and there you go keep doing the things that hurt u and me....no matter how willing am i to reach out for you, i will get tired too... i feel worn down, i feel exhousted, i feel meaningless...mind you, i'm just a human...i'm no GOD.Trying to make you feel better might be my selfishness for not letting you n negativities interupting my life.... but is this selfishness too much to ask for? Couldnt you let me live happily? Or do u even noe that i'm not at all please with it? My soft and slow way do not works most of the times, so you enjoy being scold? You enjoy the hard way? Then you get angry with those who scolded you in a horrible way when what he said are rights in certain ways.... i seriously do not noe how to fix you.... maybe i shouldnt... i myself need to get a life and should start to bother less.... so my heart dont ache too much for seeing you in such way as it reminds me how hopeless i am... i suddenly realise how my frenship with my bff got worsen... cuz she is becoming like you.... i knew u lead a horrible life, i noe u are very much in hatred, i noe is pityful to be you but that could not be the reason for you to keep living in the past... im seriously tired.... my patient is wearing out.... maybe, too much of tolerance is a mistake after all...

if there is the mighty god watching over us, i will no longer have faith in you,

if there is an angel keeping us safe and sound, i will never wish for your existence,

and if there is eternal happiness, sorry...i will hunger no more for you,

if there is really dreams come true, then i guess i should never long for it, no more....

for when i needed you the most, you just never be there for me....

.....

those who read this, yes, i am very EMO right now... dun bother me much cuz i'll be fine.... no worry k...

no advises, no question

but i could use a lil comfort tho...

LOL

My Ah Mah

My great grandma.... she passed away on 1st november...

I was still sleeping  when the handphone rang. i was so pissed to answer the call cuz i slept very late the day before revising cytogenetic. I was like...arghh... my mom again... she just never stop... but when i answered the call, she sounded she had just cried. she told me that 'lou mah' passed away last night... i was shocked... What? then i ask why so sudden? There was no sign this time...is this for real? i tried to calm down as i don't wanna trigger my mom sadness... she cooled down already it seemed. I was so chocked up during the end of conversation...i wanted to cry... but i stopped as i don't wanna made my mom worry...


i overslept...i was supposed to wake up early to go library to continue my study...exam on 3.30pm...
so as planned, i went to bath with tears fighting hard not to shed, very much hold back so i don't scared my roomie... the lost, my 1st lost in the family seemed surreal...but, i was more worried with my mom's feeling... my mom cared so much for her as she is the only family that really love her. She took care of my mother since she was born, supported and watched her progress in life all thru the years... until, my mom married and gave birth to me, she was the one who gave her lessons on how to take care of the youngs, and so on....

A wonderful woman, a pure china breed... some one who had suffer much while she was young to make a living. Married to a pathethic man. When she finally reached the age to enjoy her old years, she diagnosed with stomach ulser. But with medicine, she controlled it well. A good cook and took good care of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. As years gone by, she was suddenly told she was a hepathethis B carrier... and her immune systems droped dramatically and got weaken day by day. Despite these few sickness, she was one strong woman.

But sadly, everyone turned their backs on this poor woman. Avoidance and ignorance took place. This is what happen when you are old, sick and fortuneless i supposed. All her childrens but her daughter do not wish to stay with her when she wanted so much to be with them. Standing on her point of view made my heart ached so badly. There were already few inciddent happened that could caused her life but she survived.  I really don't understand why would god wants her to suffer so much...how do you expect me to hav faith in you when you have been so cruel ...

During those period, i will always thought of her... wondering if she is being left out again and i just cant bear thinking of her feeling... such helping heart i have, yet i can't help my great grandma at all.... my mom who which to take care of her was totally helpless...

I heard from my mom that on the night she passed away, she was in pain. The ulcer caused her pain worsened and everyone in the old folks home knew it but us, the family members...death is a release to her and all the family members...esp her daughter... who never fail to fulfill her needs...

The death came too unexpected to me... i was in a state of holding back, shutting off my emotional self, and stay extremly focus in reading so that i don't think of her at all. At first i thought, it was an okay matter... her death was just a matter of time, but it really came at the wrong time. I actually care about it and she means alot to me. I was not able to see her for the last time, i cant be there for her when she was in pain and not even when she was receiving final goodbye from every family members.

I know she loves me...all the while she will asked my mom to take care of me and compliments never stop whenever she see me... she will be like... 'ah yang very pretty'...lol. She never pronounce my name correctly...such regret that i never learn hokkien...or else i could have communicate with her... now thinking back, i never really talk to her... what i always did was just smile to her, and i will ask my mom to be the translator...

i'm sorry ah mah... she can never make it to hear me speak hokkien and serve her good as her GGchild now...

i should have learn to appreciate the moments spent with her...

i can finally let my emotion flow as i write this down... i kept this too long that i fear i will never want to face the truth... i guess i don't even have time to cry. These few days, i really wished for someone who could talk to me, someone who could let me give in to my emotion and cry out for good... there was nobody...or did i keep it too well... i really don't noe who i can seek...infact, i have to take care of my mom feeling rather than dealing with my own. i no longer wanna be someone who could only share happiness... i dont wanna hold back when i cry... i am after all, never am strong... i just wanna protect my self from pain n sadness but im not shutting down helping hands... will there anyone who can really c joanne for real...

Thanks alot for the fwens who send me condolences and wished for my well being to go thru exam strongly. Really appreciate it. I did not dissapoint... n i knew i did good. Silly it is, but is real- it has been already few times i cry infront of my laptop, either while chatting or writting... N u think it's funny when i said my lappy was like my soulmate...