.....

I guess i really have been hiding and lazying for a good long time. Hmmp how many months have I been away from being viewable?

Well im just being dramatic. So short of time. So many things has or going to happen.

Only time will tell if those things are good or bad.
My Biz M got promoted to another branch as branch manager. While internal promotion got my OIC to become new biz M. Already foresee many disturbances and changes in negative ways. I dont wish to stay put in this hellish place too.

While, same old same old.
I have been feeling grey as usual.
Nothing too fancy.

Still wondering how much my boy loves me.
Still wondering how to love and be loved.
Without meeting mutual needs, how long can we last?

Sometimes when i look at you and i feel so unsure of us.
There is so much love i have for you but i dont know which way to channel to you.
While i continue to wonder why am i having this feeling that you dont love me enough.

How enough? What is enough you may ask?
When you feel it is enough, that is enough.

I feel so lacking.
You resisted to feed me assurance.
I dont know why.
I wonder by the time you tell me that you love me, we have probably lose this fight.

There were times i teared up when i think about us, because the idea of breaking up crosses my mind.
It hurts me to even think about it. This detachment would destroy me.

I suppose breaking up with someone you love is harder than breaking up with someone who loves you more.
The empathy bond is easier to break than a addictive bond.

I have tried to convince myself to find the hidden 'i love u' sign in everything you say or do. So little reference. So little indicators.
I am really tired. Im so very tired.
Everything is taking a toll on me.
People that i wasnt given the option to choose.
And they werent very kind.
Everything is so stressing but please dont be you.

I shouldnt be stressing over your unquestionable love for me.
I should be celebriting everytime someone ask about us.
I should be lighted up whenever i speak of you.

The thought of breaking up got me chocked up.
Does it ever cross your mind too?

Dear love,

Im a deprived being and im sorry if i make you suffocate too.
Im like a black hole that sucks you away from being you.

If this denied yearning and self doubts continues, i am scare that i will make the wrong decision.

Either way we may end up making the wrongest decision.
But i dont want you to be wrong.

I love u, still.

You have start to pick up a new hobby. Something that doesnt involve me cuz i have no expertise on and we dont see me wanting to pick the interest up.

The new hobby requires your focus and dilligence and time investment. Im happy that you find your passion.
But will that passion require you to sacrifice our already sacred time together?

It feels like de javu...
Will we continue to drift apart?
:(