My funny valentine.

My unconventional boyfriend.

Our 1st. I wish it is not the last.

I hope that everytime i cry you would cradle me just like yesterday.

It was the safest embrace i ever had.

I dont want to cry because of you or us.

Im sorry i couldnt shake the mood away.
I was so bothered by yesterday stubornness and my ego. Then she has to come in the picture and ruin my day. Why must she ruin my day?! What did i owe you??

With the stupid delayed period and these unneccessory disturbance, i got so caught up with emotion. I cant see pass them. Im not happy with it. I just want to have a good day with my baby.

I dont have many days like that. I have countable hours. I need my assurance fed. I dont want to share these hours with others.

Please help me.
How do i fix this?

Instead of really just enjoy the times we had, i end up spoiling my own date.

Im sorry dear.

Im so suffocated.

We dont know how to love each other the right way.

Thanks for your sweet gesture to my mom. I know it is out of your comfort zone.

You are a good man.
And i love you.

But i would like to have less days questioning if you do love me the same.

May we have more great dates ahead so that every date is my valentine's day.

So that i dont fuss any specific date that i couldnt have enough or not celebrated.

My bff said that me and my boyfriend is in a crisis.

Haha... what a brilliant way to call the situation'ship'.

Despite the fact that i truly love him. And the fact that he said he do too.
Wait. He never say he loves me.
Words are cheesy huh? So, he is a man with action.
But with limited action so i guess at times i feel it, many a time i dont.

I dont believe it wholeheartedly. I really would want to. But i dont know how for now. I dont even know if this is my insecurity issues or lack of convincing actions by le bf.

I was touched when he drove me to hq interview last wednesday all the way from tampin to seremban and to KL. A short paktor date. I was more looking forward to our short paktor date than the exploratory interview. The interview could be a big deal, could be not. But i dont think i present myself too well. More like a lecture in the room.

This is how rare our dates are. So sacred. So precious.
Despite the fact that we worked under the same roof and that his physical hometown is 45 min from mine.

When logics came into the debate against defenses that my heart keeps throwing in, i become very unbalance.

I just cannot deny that a lot of times i really feel lonely. And i wonder after the talk we had on that evening, will things get better?

I will never force you do things that you wouldnt do. But if that is the right thing to do, you might need to perhaps work on your comfort zone and weight on the importance of them. Maybe you have yet to have confidence in our relationship. That is the only reason i could name which loosely translate that you dont love me that much... hmmp. Maybe i think too much but this is exactly how i feel. Do you ever feel that i love you any less? You will only feel i love you too much. Feeling cant lie.

I dont bug you too much on daily basis cuz i know you dont like it. While you dont know how to make me feel secure... maybe you just dislike doing that.
You got better things to do than to make your gf feel good eventhough she dont see you daily.

I dont know if this is the way you love your gurlfriend. Maybe your ex never demanded too much from you. But i dont want to be your ex and im not your ex yet.

When a woman feel something is off, mostly it is true. When i feel that you dont love me, you either dont love me enough. Or you just dont.

You have not even date me for vday.  You may be a traditional man with no excitement to all these dates or anniversary. But if you dont expect me to expect that i wish to spend those days with you, then we are really in a serious crisis. I even have to remind you that i have friends waiting for me if i am available on Vday. I dont want to spend the day wasted feeling alone when i actually have a bf. If that is so, your presence have no value to me. Or i guess maybe it is my presence that possess no value to you.

We dont get to spend much time together. Thus specific datings becomes crucial to me.
Last year you wish me happy valentine day on 11.45pm after i came out watching deadpool with my bestfriend. We were stuck in the phase of courtship then.
But if this year you make me wait for your invitation but only to dissapoint me and do the same as last year. I will break up with you.
To prevent this catastrophic event, i have alerted you on my back up plan. And demanded you to tell me if you would want to spend the day with me. If not please do tell me earlier.
Now, am i being overwhelming?
Have i not been kind and considerate?
Im giving my bf a way out for him to excuse himself shall he not wanted to spend vday with me.

To be honest, having a bf doesnt mean you need to have him in my every day life. But if having bf but still living like i have nobody, then something must be wrong. He become merely like a good dreams which visited me some days in a month.


Help me to understand this.
I dont know how to calm mountains of questions and discomfort.
We have talked many times about this. The outcome are still the same.
At the end i only got myself to blame cuz i demanded too much.

Maybe im just needy.
Im sorry.

Help me battle this inner devil.