Realization.

Hearing my bff got bullied by someone he care got me realized and face the truth that I too face the same situation. However i couldnt pick up the courage to seal this problem once and for all.

Months after months i gave myself a prolonged time to re-judge and re-analyse this relationship.
December was the month of beginning of ours. So this year end i have a lot of expectation on him and us. And again he failed me.

Thank you for clearing my mind and made the decision that i cant make.
Deep inside i still wish and ache for you. Maybe i miss the memories.

I love to cherish special days. Specifically birthday, christmas and new year. And you ditched me in all these special days.

U ditched me in a pre planned colleague trip. U almost ditched me in ur bday. I often ask if i have think too much. Want too much. Ask for too much. Did u give enough? And lately i realized that i have care enough. We cant and wont go any further. Perhaps that is the best for us.

Thank you for ditching me in all wonderful days cuz you made way for a blinded girl like me to finally see another presence of affection.

Your absence of not going the epoh trip found a new friend joined the group and that is the very 1st approach i found him being well and fine.

Your absence in xmas got me celebrated the lovely eve with him. Which made me realize how i love to be in a normal and simple relationship. I realized that for a whole prolonged year of 2015 i have been a wonderful listener and helper. I forgot that i love to share and talk too which were denied. Cuz i was busy caring for else one and forgotten to love myself.

Your absence in new year and your choice of appreciation to me and our relationship was just a phone call wishing me advance happie new year.

I went home ditching plan of celebrating new year and it was him who accompanied me thru the night via watsapp. He has his countdown but he would keep me accompanied.

Thanks to him i saw how under appreciated i was when i was with you and it was with another presence that i finally see this.

I dont doubt that you are thankful for my assistance in your career and as a friend. And do know that i too really am thankful for all the memories that we had.

And because of those wonderful memories, i found myself struggling to move on and let go of any tiny bitsy chances that we still have. Now that i see that you dont want this. I finally see.

Thankful for his presence for bringing a freshness for my dull and gloomy days. Pls dont dissapoint me.

Pls be brave and different.
Make my blog a happy playground and filled with stars and love.

2015 has been kind. So much of greatness.

Today is the 1st day of 2016.
I dont wish to do any resolution any more.
Cuz no point if i dont walk the talk.

PBB is 50th years old.
Im on my 5th year with PBB.
3rd year to my 2nd half of my life.

I only wish for 3 items now.
Vacations freedom.
Appreciation of life and celebrate love.
Health to have both the above.

Tq for loving me.
Whoever.

Today i sealed the unforgiving desire.
No more all these lame bullshit ok.
New year new start right?

it has been too long...

Okay. From the day i hide this blog, i myself no longer favour to write down my stories here pun. I wonder if it was me not lured to write as there will be zero chances of ppl reading me or that lately im just more sad than excited to write down anything.

But these few days more or less involve them both.
It all started during preparation for cjx bday.
I managed to get 9 people all of which are my favourite and i know cjx wouldnt mind to have on her bday. Plan was carried out quite nicely. Situated at greenbox we have cjx, jo wsy, derrick, lanson, nasrol, genesis, ms yap, zk n myself.

In the morning itself i have already sent her a bouquet of roses n a bell shaped ferrero chocolate box. She was more scare than happie when she received the flower. Cuz i have been telling her that i am bisexual. Haha...

I got everyone agreed on 7pm at jusco. We were given a medium room and many professional singers around yo...it was a warming and happie new get together. I specifically love it as i managed to carry out this big event. Not easy to gather 9 ppl around u see and it is like a dream team of my favourite participants. Some went home earlier. The seating places was abit odd really. Hmmp. I decided not to choose side. Cjx was occupied by jo wsy. So im glad she is taken care of. Everyone was at ease and have own sit around partner. I went home around 12am plus and once i bath n on bed, i have terrible migraine and was having cold. It was a sign of terrible fever.
How bad u ask? 1 week of high fever. 2 doctor visit.
Losing voice. N diarrhoea many days. 1day mc too.

The day, again someone has intentionally ignored my message making me so much in hatred. Again and again. That was the 1st day I set my watsapp setting in simplest setting n got everyone wonder why. Great! Ignorance done well. I hate it.

Cuz of this fever i missed 20th december PT gathering.
I almost missed a branch annual dinner as well of which i earned a lucky draw 2nd place.

What a month!

Fast forward. Xmas eve. Ky dated me for a lunch. The night before and the whole eve noon, a new friend was chatting with me on the phone. We again talked from a to z and from the moon and back. All sort.

He knowing i dont have any date for eve dated me for a dinner n countdown in a very unconventional way.

At one moment i thought he was just fooling around. But he was serious. He reaffirmed me. I was super excited i dont know why and nervous as hell.

Since KY didnt reserve me for a night date, I accepted his offer. We had a light dinner, a movie and cafe overnight chat past midnight at uptown.

It was a pleasant evening. It happens quite naturally. I found him very very lovely n gentleman.
He made sure i was pampered despite me wanting to wear the pant.

He wanted to call it quit for the movie cuz we had a limited time for dinner. I didnt want him to waste the money so i insisted we watch. I thought it would be awkward but ours were okay n I was comfortable with our close distance over the movie.

Warm talk at a cafe and we sat thru the countdown and saw santa who gave each of us a kit kat. From his place it was so bloody far and the night wasnt too kind with rain and traffic. Yet he kept his cool and carefree attitude making me breezy and comfortable.

After he went home we continue to talk until 3am. This was not our 1st time. Mid nite chat. It has been long since i last experienced mid nite chatting. He was still shy and i wonder if it was me or he has yet to get used to me. Or was i intimidating? Or i think too much?

It has been a long time since i last felt that way. Very loved n lovely.

But i thk he was thinking a lot. Holding just a little bit. Testing water?

The whole of that day i didnt think of the broken one. He often will find me chat but he no longer. N it doesnt surprise me. This made me realize he would hurt me specifically on special day cuz i will not be prioritized. If i was to wait for him to date me thinking that he likes me i would have wait forever.

Realization sucks u see. He is slapping an answer to my face telling me to wake up.

26th came and kayling bday arrived.
I had a great gathering with u65 kakis the whole of the evening.

I have total zero expectation from him any more.
I know he will need to chase his figure for these last few days. And its crucial. But what i can help i have already done. I have done my very best for him.

I cant do anything more even if im around at branch. I have another 2 days leaves n it happens to be his crucial days. Sigh. I wish u all the best. I really have devoted my best to you. But apparently.... it doesnt matter. I did not matter. never mind.

Get back the top sales recognition and we shall seal our friendship a good closure. Best of luck.

When i wanna talk to you, then im either too happy or too miserable.

I guess thats how i blog nowadays. The so so average day is not enough to lift my spirit and start a whole piece of writing.

I cant recall how many time i have clashed with u. Via watsapp i think today is the 4th. 

You know what it is fine. I said my sorry again for no reason and sealed the communication error. 

U think it was done. Far from done. Cuz it wasnt a problem until you confront me. You got your answer while i was just looking for one. 

Im done with this. Im taking back this privilege and will seek for fairness. Cuz frankly speaking i dont think you understand behind this privilege lies a lot of sacrificial that you dont see superficially and because it isnt visible and i aint bleeding thus you dont know how to respect that. Appreciation is not just what you say or the repaying via rewards or stuff like that. The world dont revolves around you and i dont owe you nothing!

What you think i said wrong i have apologized but what you said that hurt me back i have yet to receive an apology. A sincere one. Anyway u never feel that you done wrong. So fuck it. 

Ur revenge was a successful one.

*

Outta the blue i met another bold man.

Suddenly his presence become visible. 

I dont understand. 

That feeling of wanting to know wanting to explore evoke my curiosity again.

I wanted to know you better.

And i wanted you to know me better.

This is my baby step in reaching out and start to get to know a new person against my phobia for the 1st time. N i choose you.

I duno what u have in you. But i want to know.

I might not like it later but no harm trying.

You are a very good distraction for me to keep me off from feeling like a loser, a junk or a miserable bitch who cant help but wait. 

For one i cant tell if he is an answer or another flop.

I hope u r not a jerk. I presume u are not.

and im not as difficult as the feline i tried to be as long you dont sucks.

I dont hate u which is a good start for everything.

and you dont smell. Lol.

You aint ugly. Not at all.
In a way that i cant help but to look away.

In fact u always caught my attention. 

U have a full lips n a pair of considerably big eyes.

You aint a fat boy. Which i cant accept.
If i cant accept me being fat, you cant expect me to fall for a fat boy. Yet.

U dun text bad english. I can converse with u in a not bad mandarin too.

We dont have dead air moment yet. 

Gentleman 1st. A boy 2nd. 

Age is a factor but despite that you think mature.

You dont call me bitch for fun.

You dont yell at me or show me faces yet. 

You like dogs but hate my clan. Cat. Hmmp

You have dreams and is waiting to claim it.
I applause that.
Not everyone has aim and will work for it. 

Even if all above are fake. You cant fake chemistry.

Im glad we ate and chat over that one dinner.

Which i think cost the 1st bold to question me of being secretive and jealous kot n me hating it the next day. What is wrong with that.

I haven been so open up about my personal details for a long time and you offer a deary ears to listen. 

I hope we get more dates like this. 

However odd this can be. 

I just want to spend time with people who deserve me. 

You missed me.
Whoever.