June: Ups & Downs

June O June.

The beginning of the month was kinda nice.
How nice?

I was really force making a dream come true. This Birthday gig is going to happen one way or another.
Nothing will stop me from making it happen. No matter how much it costs and how difficult it is to get a venue.

So as always, I will seek help & advise from Alvin. He is indeed a good friend. Whenever I need help, he will never say no. He got some suggestion ready & somehow he kinda insist on Brudgee in Seremban 2.
He told me it was a pub and I knew that the pub also offer live gig to its visitor. Since I'm not really a drinking kaki, I've never been there. I heard Ong Wei Kuan is playing there, a ex paulian schoolmate.

So one fine Sunday, I managed to collect 3 of us inclusive Christine to practice. A good start!
Then we proceed to with venue which Alvin suggested.  We reached the pub around 9pm. The boss was around. He questioned my purpose to organize the party since I wasn't 21 yrs old or something similar to celebrate. Well he surely has no idea why I do so.

We asked to survey the venue. A pub ma... so sure there is some unpreventable smoke stink from previous night. But the moment I stepped in, I saw the stage. An almost complete set of instruments inclusive a drum set, mixer 2-3 amps and few mics were on the stage. 
We did what performers naturally do when we saw a stage! We headed to the stage & performed a few of our songs.

I was so nervous cuz it was sometimes back since I last sang on stage. I sang If I Die Young, Sweet Child O Mine, Dreams & I Believe I can fly.
The boss clapped each time we finished a song. I was like, hey we were adjusting to the environment & we're like shit although I sang pretty good XD.

I think we surprised him. We excused ourselves & headed to talk further about the date & time.
I knew I wanna perform there. I can really stay whole night. I asked for the venue to be on Saturday but he insisted No as he has frequent customers on that day. But he did offer Sunday venue for FOC.
I was bewildered. But on Sunday wor. Now I have to make a decision. Hard! I'm always no good especially one with consequences.

He was full of praises I can still recall in detail. He wants us to be one of his live gig performers. The boss doesn't take agent's singers. He somehow was very interested in my voice. I choose to believe his every word.

Sometimes you just require the right timing, opportunity & people to make a thing work. Everything works out right that very night.
It was awesome!

Middle of June: 2 new officers came to my branch. 1 is a mobile officer who has been servicing KL for sometime came back to be stabilized in Seremban. A new colleague. Then, a new Graduate Trainee came as well. I was chosen to be his Mentor. >.< I really don't understand why not another annoying experience colleague and why me?? But I have fun anyway cuz I love teaching. So I have extra 2 pairs of hand to clear up workload. 

Oh anyway, for those who didn't know, I am the head of consumer team since beginning of this year. My boss say that I must learn to manage people.

OK lor.
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The downs: My cousin sis who is just 18 yrs old is suffering from growth in her belly.
Had a surgery and is recuperating. The feeling of possibly losing someone in your life is so disturbing.
It was just last year when it happened, I am not ready to face another one in anytime soon.
Seeing everybody cries broke my heart to million of pieces. It was a risky surgery which cost her half a liver & half a stomach. Still is under doctor's supervision.

My mom had a pap smear done with HPV DNA analysis. The report shows she has HPV gene number 52, a higher risk of HPV virus is within her ovary. I feel like I was thrown to hell, experienced death and brought back to live just to die again. Yea... that kinda feeling. I know her alright. That would troubles me cuz she will be emotionally disturbed. Wow. That stupid gene aint gonna kill her, her stubbornness & depression would.
I can't control someone else's feeling. I can't help anyone if they don't help themselves. Now after some effort I hope those professional advise from doctor could help her sink those info in and that she knows she is ok. Not dying!

Another one incident caused by a stupid pitiful kitten hide in my car engine. Arghhh....
I would just skipped it. I can't manage a word for this matter. 

My branch will relocate to a new building roughly 1KM away. Massive packing & spring cleaning are required every saturday until the very day that we move. I can't imagine how huge the relocation would be in front of everybody's eyes on a busy street in coming July. Chaotic!

I realized the very reason why I was hardworking in my job. It's the only thing at the moment who could provide me security financially and that it's the only thing that I could fully control! As much as I wanted freedom, I have yet to achieve emotional freedom I yearned day and night.

& Since I mati mati  to deliver my job and that everybody say my boss sayang me. We shall see how much bonus the branch will allocate to me. Sayang is total bullshit if you can't translate my hard effort to something I deserve. Nuff said.

-emo-

-always-

I always have random thoughts at the most odd hours. However my smartphone isn't smart enough for me to blog it right away. Eventually I would forgot by the end of the day or the laziness prevent me to even starting to write in.

To solve this & all problem caused by my phone, I must get a new smartphone. :P
I find it hard to make that decision. I count myself married to things that I attached with. My phone, my watch, my laptop, my bag, etc etc, they all stay until they get themselves broken. I won't buy another or even look for one if they behave & stay functional.
My bloody phone is causing me so much of discomfort. It keeps shutting down on its own, i suspect battery problem.

Yes, I'm divorcing it! I hope my Myvi stay with me for a good long run. Though I always wanted a Honda, but I can't afford to have another commitment.

My mom asked me today why I didn't want my dad to buy the phone instead. He bought my mom & my brother's when theirs are worn out. Why wouldn't I want a free gift? Really? Since ages ago, I only ask for necessity. The last most expensive gift he had given me was my Myvi's down payment. What I can do for him as a daughter was his financial freedom on my portion & my freedom of ownership. I do not want to be held responsible for people's gift. My purchase my stuff. Mine! What I do with it is my full responsibility. My freedom! I don't like being questioned, being told what to do anymore. The slightest rebellious act I can execute. So let me be.

Don't get me wrong. I love gift. Gifts that surprise, gift that's selfless, thoughtful & seeks no return. Gift that comes from the heart that seeks no expectation & interest. A gift as simple as a hug. A gift as simple as a letter from across the continents. A value beyond measurement.

I don't know what happen to me! Emotional as always. Becoming an introvert. Hating big gathering! Always so angry. Maybe I know, I just don't want to face it or not discuss about it.
As long as I can deal with it, I'm fine.

After series of unfortunate events last year, I've learned my lesson!
Nobody could help me better than myself. Talking to anyone would not solve my problem unless he could solve it for me. Good listener my ass! Maybe I haven't met strong motivator yet. I found most listener & solver wannabee irritating. I have to constantly keep reminding myself that people are just trying to help & that I should be grateful. Why do I even have to put myself into this yet another situation to deal with.

Now I don't just wanna chase perfection, I stress badly on chasing freedom.
Sorry happily ever after & a fairy tale wedding. I never wish & now I do not want you at all.
Silly right? Why would I even have that concern? Not that anybody want me anyway. 
Lol. A constant reminder is good.

I used to feel awful being neglected. Now I find silence powerful.

I watched Pinnochio today on Disney channel. Now that helps. Nostalgic! I grow up watching cartoon. The only escape I have when I was a child. Maybe I should be grateful that I even have chance to watch cartoon then. I'm still a big fans for animation. There is where I reminisce good old times. 

The other night, my family have a gathering. My aunt the good cook made some serious good dishes & as usual the family have random talks & big laugh filled the air. They throwback those happy moments during their childhood. Those poor but very happy childhood. They laughed so hard I can almost tasted their joyride of memories. I'm pretty sure my mom didn't have a fair share of good times. I'm not sure if my dad was satisfy with his cuz I was told he was a pretty good elder son for my grandma. But everyone of them know I don't have a happy one.

I. Mine was pretty intense. Haha. It wasn't a good one I must say. I turned out to be quite obedient. Understanding & good was always my label. My aunt said I was my mom's bonus. Her struggles in earlier life become fruitful in her later years, which was now, my most independent, prime stage of life.

My past shaped me into who I am today. I have manageable attitude problems but I'm okay. But I started to hate behaving the way I did. Can't help doing what I did cuz it's becoming my weapon of defense. Since nobody protect me from what I hate, I might as well jump on that matter & make a big fuss out of it before they come hurl at me. LOL. No, not like that. Never mind. None of your business.

That's why I'm grateful to those who embrace me & I don't blame those who walked out of me. I just hope you don't regret it cuz I don't bloody give 2nd chance. Those who know me knows.

Macam very repetitively right? Women! Biasa la. Nothing new in my life. Except that I'm planning a gig. Like usual I'm forcing myself to be committed with it. However, I have to seek help from my musician fwens. Not sure if they are willing to but I think they are & will make it work together for my Bday. Pls make this work. :)