U noe....it's easier to change oneself mindset than to change someone elses.... i really dont understand how insensitive one can be about other peoples feeling when she can be so overly sensitive with others stuffs....ironically, this is life. While other people are trying to be very sensibly understand u, motivate and guide u back to the right mindset, there u are shutting down urself, keeping all the crappy memories and living in negativities, and never fail to make ur life miserable, every elses too. You noe, if u r in pain, the one that care most for you feel far worst than u can ever think of. i hate being sensible.... i hate it when i can be so bothered caring about your well being and there you go keep doing the things that hurt u and me....no matter how willing am i to reach out for you, i will get tired too... i feel worn down, i feel exhousted, i feel meaningless...mind you, i'm just a human...i'm no GOD.Trying to make you feel better might be my selfishness for not letting you n negativities interupting my life.... but is this selfishness too much to ask for? Couldnt you let me live happily? Or do u even noe that i'm not at all please with it? My soft and slow way do not works most of the times, so you enjoy being scold? You enjoy the hard way? Then you get angry with those who scolded you in a horrible way when what he said are rights in certain ways.... i seriously do not noe how to fix you.... maybe i shouldnt... i myself need to get a life and should start to bother less.... so my heart dont ache too much for seeing you in such way as it reminds me how hopeless i am... i suddenly realise how my frenship with my bff got worsen... cuz she is becoming like you.... i knew u lead a horrible life, i noe u are very much in hatred, i noe is pityful to be you but that could not be the reason for you to keep living in the past... im seriously tired.... my patient is wearing out.... maybe, too much of tolerance is a mistake after all...

if there is the mighty god watching over us, i will no longer have faith in you,

if there is an angel keeping us safe and sound, i will never wish for your existence,

and if there is eternal happiness, sorry...i will hunger no more for you,

if there is really dreams come true, then i guess i should never long for it, no more....

for when i needed you the most, you just never be there for me....

.....

those who read this, yes, i am very EMO right now... dun bother me much cuz i'll be fine.... no worry k...

no advises, no question

but i could use a lil comfort tho...

LOL

My Ah Mah

My great grandma.... she passed away on 1st november...

I was still sleeping  when the handphone rang. i was so pissed to answer the call cuz i slept very late the day before revising cytogenetic. I was like...arghh... my mom again... she just never stop... but when i answered the call, she sounded she had just cried. she told me that 'lou mah' passed away last night... i was shocked... What? then i ask why so sudden? There was no sign this time...is this for real? i tried to calm down as i don't wanna trigger my mom sadness... she cooled down already it seemed. I was so chocked up during the end of conversation...i wanted to cry... but i stopped as i don't wanna made my mom worry...


i overslept...i was supposed to wake up early to go library to continue my study...exam on 3.30pm...
so as planned, i went to bath with tears fighting hard not to shed, very much hold back so i don't scared my roomie... the lost, my 1st lost in the family seemed surreal...but, i was more worried with my mom's feeling... my mom cared so much for her as she is the only family that really love her. She took care of my mother since she was born, supported and watched her progress in life all thru the years... until, my mom married and gave birth to me, she was the one who gave her lessons on how to take care of the youngs, and so on....

A wonderful woman, a pure china breed... some one who had suffer much while she was young to make a living. Married to a pathethic man. When she finally reached the age to enjoy her old years, she diagnosed with stomach ulser. But with medicine, she controlled it well. A good cook and took good care of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. As years gone by, she was suddenly told she was a hepathethis B carrier... and her immune systems droped dramatically and got weaken day by day. Despite these few sickness, she was one strong woman.

But sadly, everyone turned their backs on this poor woman. Avoidance and ignorance took place. This is what happen when you are old, sick and fortuneless i supposed. All her childrens but her daughter do not wish to stay with her when she wanted so much to be with them. Standing on her point of view made my heart ached so badly. There were already few inciddent happened that could caused her life but she survived.  I really don't understand why would god wants her to suffer so much...how do you expect me to hav faith in you when you have been so cruel ...

During those period, i will always thought of her... wondering if she is being left out again and i just cant bear thinking of her feeling... such helping heart i have, yet i can't help my great grandma at all.... my mom who which to take care of her was totally helpless...

I heard from my mom that on the night she passed away, she was in pain. The ulcer caused her pain worsened and everyone in the old folks home knew it but us, the family members...death is a release to her and all the family members...esp her daughter... who never fail to fulfill her needs...

The death came too unexpected to me... i was in a state of holding back, shutting off my emotional self, and stay extremly focus in reading so that i don't think of her at all. At first i thought, it was an okay matter... her death was just a matter of time, but it really came at the wrong time. I actually care about it and she means alot to me. I was not able to see her for the last time, i cant be there for her when she was in pain and not even when she was receiving final goodbye from every family members.

I know she loves me...all the while she will asked my mom to take care of me and compliments never stop whenever she see me... she will be like... 'ah yang very pretty'...lol. She never pronounce my name correctly...such regret that i never learn hokkien...or else i could have communicate with her... now thinking back, i never really talk to her... what i always did was just smile to her, and i will ask my mom to be the translator...

i'm sorry ah mah... she can never make it to hear me speak hokkien and serve her good as her GGchild now...

i should have learn to appreciate the moments spent with her...

i can finally let my emotion flow as i write this down... i kept this too long that i fear i will never want to face the truth... i guess i don't even have time to cry. These few days, i really wished for someone who could talk to me, someone who could let me give in to my emotion and cry out for good... there was nobody...or did i keep it too well... i really don't noe who i can seek...infact, i have to take care of my mom feeling rather than dealing with my own. i no longer wanna be someone who could only share happiness... i dont wanna hold back when i cry... i am after all, never am strong... i just wanna protect my self from pain n sadness but im not shutting down helping hands... will there anyone who can really c joanne for real...

Thanks alot for the fwens who send me condolences and wished for my well being to go thru exam strongly. Really appreciate it. I did not dissapoint... n i knew i did good. Silly it is, but is real- it has been already few times i cry infront of my laptop, either while chatting or writting... N u think it's funny when i said my lappy was like my soulmate...

random....

These few days, i was very reluctant to push myself hard to do my reading. I wonder y is this happening to me. Probably i'm having my elective papers 1st, then only majors and knowing that after these few subjects, the coming days would be hell.... so perhaps, my mind set was adjusted to best suit relaxation i wish to have before encountering days of doom.

GOSH!!!

2day paper.... if only... there are many if only especiaally when you come out from the exam hall... sad....haiz. yell like a mad gal...cuz i could have score one of the most satisfying question in da paper... cuz the rest answered, i wonder if they were my own theories or the theories learned...haha.

That day i had a dream about him... we made love and it seems perfect untill the dream told me that i was the 3rd party and he was my good fwen bf...watda f***... guess i day dream too much... then my roomie told me that in the morning where the dream progressed, i laughed out while i was sleeping... oh shitty...

SWT-SWT-SWT

i wonder if i really like him or probably i just wanna a life outta the singlehood. but,i did crush OD quite much untill i dump him for him.... haha... i don't deserve good guys... yadayada...negative thinker

 

i dun thk he noes that i like him... i don't understand why am i being such way... i'm always in hesistance and reluctance in relationship matters. guess that i don't just look old, i began to feel old and act just like one. Probably i fear rejection... so much to say...too deep... lol.

Found a white hair hanging on the top front portion of my head...gosh...it spreads... how cum my parents's hair genes are so active huh? high expressitivity...habis la.... full white plus,baldness and osteophoresis cuming too....the latter is due caffine addiction...

so, juniors, stop guessing.... i am really still single... no lie k

a fwen, my best fwen... inviting me to go langkawi with her... i noe she wants it so much for all reasons i could possibly think of. But, i rejected her numerous time. Please dont make me do it again... i have my reason for whatever decision i make. i never know how to say no to friends... but if i can be sure to let you noe i cant and i dont wish temporily, i seriously don't want it. So, please stop making me feel so guilty but rejecting you... u noe how much i care for u, but that promise you need of is outta my comfort zone. Yes, i might be giving out stupid reasons and unacceptable self-boundaries, but this is me. don't force me to come out from my shell when i'm yet ready for a change. Not now.... i'm really sorry...probably, i'm just not the one that could be there for you regardless of whatever situation and needs...

the coming 2 majors after the suckest elective paper (perngurusan persatuan) are my favourites. These 2 subjects are the ones that make me feel that i'm not exactly 'TINTO' to choose biology as my course. 1st choice tiam...i could have get a way better appreciatable course and bla bla bla... the story goes on...

insects collections are about to be done.... checking out the names of families made me in awe with the beauty of god's creation... the art of nature... but... the smell of the preservatives was so bad that i could have faint if i were to stay there long... i was blurry for the whole days... i guess i will end up doing LI and thesis on insects as well. Better than facing and 'embracing' da microscope and checkm out DNAs... hate...

 --le fin--

The last pt post...

our t-shirt design

i just never stop huh....lol. Well, i can’t get it off my head...yet! So, what else do you expect me to do?? I either boom my fb or i shout out loud in my blog la...dun mind me =P

rehersal make up...b4 n after...it's so ah lian....shitty

As i mention up there, the last pt post. I finally find time to write out the stuff that has been dying to spit out...i was practically waiting for my lappy to get fixed so that i can upload my photos as well... haiz. The period without it was like losing a soul mate...very pityful...hence, there u go... skip all you want as this will be another lengthy piece of shit from jc-da-ah ma story teller.

our preview show



Jcdagreat’s glory...

Well, a year long waiting, finally it was time for Pesta Tanglung again. The anticipation was so strong that i drop out all the other stuff and focus only in PT as my main activity this sem. And i did no wrong as i can concentrate on it fully. Pt alone was way too hard to cope with especially during mid sem examination. After the audition, there was no turning back.

me n huang huang

The first thing people noticde was that i was the last year dancer...yea... recognition...bla bla bla. I was given comment from teachers and my dancers that i improved so much!! For your information, i was one of the lousiest dancers last year - slow and blur...paiseh is my main reason ba. Knowing that i improved tremendously, i aimed to strive and explore more in dancing.

my babes



Classes after classes, i believed i gave the teachers impression that i could be the few main dancers this time around. I hardly made mistakes, i did what they want and being experienced and working with the same teachers, i was able to help out the other inexperience dancers.

Having more dancers this year and more males makes a huge team for the main campus performer troupe. Variety of courses, years and fun they bring along. Of course having the few seniors reunion back like Arroyo, Darren, Melody, Sly gal, and Chansey was so much fun. They made my earlier journey in practices so much smoother. It was always hard for me to get close to new friends. I need time to get myself warm with others unlike the rest. So having em made me feel less alienated.

Lol.

our 1st dance costumes

My senior status was shaky. The confidence i posses have been temporary and i couldn’t cope with the pressure being selected to dance all six pieces. Actually, it was a pleasure being acknowledged and selected but just after few classes missed and hip hop introduced, i started to lose focus and the yelling of the name ‘joanne’ filled up the pusanika air, again. Well, that was what the teachers do when i made mistakes. I was kinda disappointing them and myself so much so that i begin to wonder if i can really do it.




colour coordination ....38 we all


There was once i break down and i so needed a fwen to console me that i messaged my desperation to mr.lol. haha.... i really dunno who else to find. The slimy mushy reply from mr.lol got me thru the day. The few gals who was also dancing six pieces was very focus and i really admire their memory and stamina. That was what i lack of but i was really trying so hard, or was i?

afternoon time on da big day...these two hiao things steal our light...lol

The performance day was the real deal. Having a sucks final rehearsal bring down everyone else confidence. Everyone cried the day before... rather than anticipating the big nite, we were basically breathing just guilt and pain, physically and emotionally. Sleeping was the injection of strength we beg for. But miracle happens when u hardly expect it. All the fatigues somehow turned to energy and we perform once more on the stage. There were sights of relieve from the teachers in the morning of the performance day and this was a powerful source of stamina boost for every dancers.

me n yah yuan


Fake eye lashes were shitty-ly annoying and i dun like my make up too. Then came performance, 1st dance was really nerve breaking. My adrenalin pumps were outta control. Chansey, my partner was with me all along. We were holding hand and i felt strong. This was it! Time to turn all hardship@work into glory!!!

me n darren...the leo-rians



We give all out for one last time. The rest of the dances fly by pretty fast. No more time to worry and nervous about the next dance cuz by the moment i was done with dressing, i need to get ready for the next dance. The moment on stage was great!! The impact was so strong even with smaller crowd. Practically every dance received applause of appreciation. The finale, the last bow was touching! It was the end...no more pt, no more dancing.... but that wasn’t what i really want.... as i know so well life after PT is a real challenge. It was already 3 weeks coming after that beautiful night, yet, i’m writing this post that eat up my revision time..aiyayai... still, am very glad that the reviews and comment were wonderful and extreamly positives.

lol...i can be bitchy too k

fine lo...she wins


I consider myself lucky for i have joined pt-29 when i was in 1st year. Pt-29 marked the impact of Pt-30 should have. Now that i have achieved my performing desire in pt-30 and shared the limelight and glory of Pt-30 bday with all my 21 beloved dancers, i am looking forward to start a new decade of Pt-31st, to strive another great journey.

the four that dances 6 pieces

our finalle bow

the first dance...i was being lifted at the back


Those who have came support me and wished me well in the whole performance, those who enjoy it and those who witnessed, and of course, the dancers...the ones that shared all pains and tears.... i thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for the most amazing 2 months that we shared. Such exciting journey such high ride, so much memories and stories cherished.

the 2nd dance shot...

...group shots...

Jcdagreat felt loved and blessed.

Tho i couldn’t say i did well, but i think i didn’t disappoint as well. I am still awaiting jcdagreat, the alter ego joanne to emerge fully. By then, will you still be there to witness me shine on stage as a real performer?

the pain during final rehersal... never been so hurt b4

kong- k with pt buddies

OMG

lol

i dumped my never touched group report at all and rush like shit for the nite k with my budd's.

so so worth it.... it has been too long.... b4 the nite, i was at zaba catchimg insects....

never in my life i see so many caterpilars every where in the surrounding...

so GELI!!!!

the next thing u noe is that i act like a sissy n ran away yelling chung chung ar...

so paiseh u tau boh....

i wanna make it the last trip dy, so was working hard n focus... gone dark in a blink of an eye...

suan le, never been fair pun

saying no to k is a crime to me.... esp wen i wanna be with my fav peoples currently...

it was totally insane!!!!

i never sing a song outta tune so greatly b4...

i dun wanna miss a thing

me, xuanie and darren the stu trio were inpersonating steven tyler... imagine that...

lol

i try so hard not to laugh out but fail. gosh... i dunno wat to say. sing till half way, nose allergy attacked. laugh so hard, cold environment then not enough air gua.... suddenly during high part it came kacau....ish. hate it....

i really am easily atrracted by tall guys. with porpotional body size...awh.

haha, got kaitan de... eh, maybe not... ignore me pls, this is the real joanne u r reading yea... blur maximally n indecisive...haiz

tho that nite only composed of 6 ppls but, quite fun also. all close pals....

close meh...haha.... erm, i wan it be ba... oh, singing bom bom pow was the funniest de.... hiaoing with xuannie is damn fun. best k pal... she sing me fav song la... wohoo....

will head back home on sat after newtune audition... miss my bed n the smell of my dog after bath...hahaha

n im pretty ready for brain cramming already... after friday la... will do well.

thanks benjamin for doing da anova 4 me... he suddenly look like a saviour. sickly disgusted by da ento report... stu biometri. guess i will do badly for the exam next sem...

computer application + mathematics....

=.='''

praise the lord... bless ukm, bless me...... ady mau pengsan

...miss blogging...

i mean i miss blogging... not s self indentification intro okay...lol.




my lappy is sent to the service centre...haiz. so so sad.... it feels like a fwen masuk ICU.




so lost yet i cant do anything.... being not able to say wat i wanna n intend to say at that particular moments is totally suffering n i hate it. y me? this is the last thing i thot will happen to me...gosh. ACER...arghhhhh




especially wen i started to actively blog n upload photos... beh tahan




since pt is officially over, i started to wander around for stuff to hang on to... thanks for the lousy undone assignments n the insects project, i'm quite preoccupied rather than keep refreshing da pt moments... is not that i want, but those flshbacks are outta control de. all the while, the most difficult time is not during the harsh practices, is the life after PT that sucks. i now totally understand the feeling of my fwens when they depart with their beloved. i supposed almost the same ba.



amazing high ride...one heck of a journey n im loving the whole sem... again, it's the 1st sem that bring me joy. this time, tho less activities, but whole lotta impacts... been thru so much, learned so much. what else shud i ask for... now that is reaching the end of it, the only thing left for a perfect ending/packaging is my final. scoring a dean list will be the best since i have been promising myself ever since i enter ukm. this year, with majoring begin, such great motivation induced. if this point is reached, this sem will be the greatest of all.




love life... those that i want is not responding or am i giving the wrong signal. but those im not at all thot are knocking on my door. such imperfection. so, shud i wait up or give it a try? supposed, i will just wait n giv up b4 trying n remain single till... i dunnio la. worry not mr. justin, i wun let myself end up 3-0. haha... i wun n i dun wan.... x mau cum back 4 u lar...sienz...

zzzzzzz

lol

heard of a dance audition this morning. suddenly 'save the last dance' movie which i watched on sunday (tv la) becomes the motivation. shall go c how n what it's all about.



blogging in library with quite controlled posture n coldness suckz.... haiz.

gtg

....

bye

3/10....malam persembahan pentas PT-UKM 30

The nite before, 2nd oct

....

''ur performance in rehersal sucks''

''i've never teach one dance that bad''

with the teary eyed and heartache, the teachers told us that...gosh

i so so wanna cry cuz i feel extream guilty for them.

this lack of time preparation and for that, we all work so hard for the past few weeks...training non stop esp the beggining of raya break.

at the end, due to hardly adaptable limited time in real stage, we screw up in final rehersal. the nite, the teachers and us stayed at dectar till almost 1am. after the tcher left, many of them cried.

every1 has their own reason of crying. i cried cuz i did not do my best too.

seeing them so guilty and i cant do anything to help make it worst.

we gathered back at dectar at 7am the next day

3rd of october

everybody with heavy heart prepared for the worst but still aiming the best. somehow miracle happen. the tchers train us again and somehow, non of us lost focus.

i remember most when we try one of the dance on stage, just after we possed at the end of the song, both our tchers were sanding smilling. one of em even showing two tumbs up. at last, i noe we finally found back the right tract.

training after training

we finally prepared for the makeup

.....

arghhh

fake eyes lashes

dont really like my make up compared to rehersal day

anyhow, after the praing ceremony, we moved on to a small brief but damn touching, heart wreaking crying section tradition.

we all gather in circle and each tcher give a lil speech. i was like oh no.... dun spoil my make up like last year. i try my best but still cry like shit when my dance tcher give speech.

DAMN

i like the head of control, Milo tcher

he was so emotional and seeing all da tchers and him almost giving up on us when i thought this year should be perfect make me feel sorry.

final preparation..

first dance.

most imposrtant. then the rest are like wind blows....speedy...rushy... esp when i took part in all 6 dances...

i dun even have break much.... but the moment you step on stage, the view, the clapping, the cheering....

the most powerful sourses of energy....

tho the amount audience was less compared to last year due to the exact date of mooncake festival, but, i can seriously feel that the impact was so much better.

have blessing from few frens esp kin weng... awh... such lovely dude.

he actually call and wish me all da best. so damn encouraging.

lol

da best moment was really during the finale, when we bow to the audience...really touching. that is the moment we fool around, no rules, no boundaries... hugs n kisses, big laugh n tears... such fantastic moments.

but, hmm... sayang le. me no congrats gift geh....

hahaha. that isn't important after all.

i still have many life science junior with me. my bau mu also very nice. gosh.... xiao xing did a fantastic job guiding them. of course la... my ah mi ma....

then cam whoring start exactly after we back on the backstage...camera flashing non stop...

lastly, the few of us went to the KFC24 hours at kajang.... then back to melody house to remove make up....back room on 3.300 am....

so wanna fb n blog, but guess my body no longer capable after consuming more than half a year energy just for this 2 months....no exxagerating here k

plus....my lappy got problem...u wahhhh.... cant on9 whenever i want jor...hav to use roomie de 1st....haiz

sorry yea...so many ah ma story...photos up load soon...wanna get the most ss photo of all...photo tagging not complete yet....

tee hee

thanks pt dancing troope for sharing the most amazing two months with me...

all tears and pains

isolation and pointer deduction....

GULP

....

its ALL WORTH IT DA....

u all still hutang me hai tang and karaoke yea....

^^ peace