Pms caused me cried to sleep these 2 nights.

Im so afraid of my emotional fluctuation. Especially when im alone.
But im not suppose to be alone or feel lonely.

Something is wrong.
Something has always been wrong.

Im sad when you are sad. I wish that day never happen and bring back the happier you.
I rather never ever have you or know you or anything i can trade for you to have her back.

Im so sorry that im powerless.
No child should ever live without a mother.
If only i can do anything to change that night.

If only i can make you feel better.

How?

The moment you fall in love thats when you screw your heart.

Despite hardship and inner demons, i manage to pull through life considerably well.
I can make the best out of the things i hate and in a place i always wanted to leave.
Perhaps i grow to love or merely me just kinda give up fighting things which seems too tough.
Cuz kindness pulls me back.
This fucking big heart is like the sucker black hole pulling me into its shit...

Nway. Despite being manageble and kinda okay in everything else. I find my self fail in relationship.
More towards the fact that i dont know how to choose to avoid and to find.

Those who escape, trust me that is the best decision you or i made for you.

Thanks to me. You are away from one hell of a big fat bitch.

I fail in relationship big time!

I guess i fail it again...

Its going to be month end and your promises fails me.
Again!

Perhaps it is another non deadline kinda never ending empty promises.

:'(

Happy belated birthday to you.

I didnt know. Cuz you never tell.
And i dont know why you never do.
You choose this.
I dont know why i feel bad.
I feel so heavy hearted.

It was short but very special.
It wasnt convincing. But it was lovely.
It was an infactuation. So strong i knew it would go terribly wrong or i would be hurt.
You are special.

I wish you success and happiness :)

While.

Me and my unofficial boyfriend.
You always make me question my position and your bravery/decision.

I think im really better be left alone.
Im incapable of loving myself resulted that i keep expecting sky high demands on others on how to treat me right. Forgetting the fact that everything people do voluntarily is a way of love and affection.
Because i could do so much more.
But it is just me.
Just me.

Am i wanting too much?
Is my want too much for you to give?

I came to realize material fulfillment is much easier to be obtained. Emotional needs are the terrible ones.

Are we making the right decision?

Last 20ish Birthday.

Low maintenance.

High expectation.

Easy yet demanding.

Difficult but flexible.

The next time whenever public need to know anything at all about me, ill mention the above mantra.

It is funny how FB kept reminding me days on previous years up to 7 to 8 years back.

And i saw how my bday celebration got smaller but more meaningful :)

Every year i see myself seeking different wanting.

But one thing remain the same.

Being loved and in love.

I guess the hardest subject in the world is often rule by the rebelious heart.

One that never listen and one that never bow to rules.

Selfish and fragile.

Initial plan for this year bday was to have a gateway to an island. But things got in the way though i have taken a week off.

So 2nd plan took place. Fulfill the checklist of having an expensive fine dining experience facing my still iconic klcc view with a guy i still fancy of.

Dinner took place at Thrity8 @ Grand Hyatt hotel, a 5 start hotel. The research took place last year and i came upon this restaurant and im drawn to all the reviews. I have decided there and then that it would be my 1st fine dining experience in KL.

But every decision i made somehow link to his preference. Ever since i knew that feeling, everything i do or plan will have him and his well being on my mind. 

I wonder if he ever knew that i care so much. 

Perhaps he thought he did the same and wonder if i ever knew. 

:) Funny issues we have. Yet we felt that we are not compatible. Big time. 

I could have another person sitting across the table but i dont think i ever wanted any other way.

Overall the dinner was a decent experience.

I had a table booked with klcc view. One that came with TnC that i have to spend a min Rm500 a la carte menu or a couple menu set of rm425 but the list of food were not very appealing.

The hotel and view were spectacular. You immediately feel expensive being there but yea... like he said you could buy 10 person dinner with better food at another place with the same amount spent. Hahaha... 

Ikr.

He dressed to the occation and my o my... one charming man indeed. A compliment i never gave him but he knew i approved of.

But its my birthday. I made the call.

It would be perfect if all these were all pre planned by your loved one. I would be totally pleased and spoiled maximally. But these all aint practical and he will never do it. Thus i would never have these experienced. So no, ill make the call.

So yea. I threw myself a luxurious party. Wohoo... a pat on the back Jc.

I wish to spend the night at the same hotel but it cost a bomb price at rm1006 per night. I guess thats another level of expenditure... perhaps on another year bday.

I had a staycation at another hotel.

Not before a movie and a karaoke season which he set me up. Our night ride end by 3am.

I demanded a special movie date. And he got us a Bennie special seat at Sunway Putra watching my fav Baby Driver. 

The seating was fucking uncomfortable and both of us were so annoyed. Haha... no more bennie...

Seriously i dont understand how others can be so comfy while i was struggling to balance my shoulder and my butt. Well, I guess mainly cuz i was on a short exposing mini dress with a pair of killer heels.

Spending the night with a man you knew you have feeling for (mutually) need a lot of trust knowing and believing that he wouldnt touch you unless you are ready.

Knowing that he wont and trusting that he wont try to seduce me is totally different issues.

I have trust issue with men, generally human in existence but when it comes to him, I have no doubt. Trust is the ultimate foundation in a relationship right?

I walk out from an infatuation to a humble man who persist. Your indecisiveness causes mine to behave the same. 

But I have chosen a thoughtful coat over a romantic bouquet of roses. 

Both who has yet to make me see beyond years.

Both who has caused and will cause me heartache.

I believe everyone who crosses your life long journey brings you value in life.

They either teach or take something to or from you.

Both experience will be added value in moulding our future.

Sometimes choices decide their own fate.

I just stand still watch them choose.

I no longer wanna force your participation in my life. Come what may. Just dont fool around and waste my time shall your intention is not clear.

I am at my ripe age of 29 now and im sad to tell that i am not sorry to make bad calling or to make decision that should be good to my well being. 

I am also blessed with part of the innocents to trust and be trusted on promises and that i should have faith in certain prospect in life. 

I am thankful to the beyond aged's maturity that i have to be able to understand my wants and needs so that i could only make wrong decision with a conscious being.

Thank you for the time spent and effort made.

I had a great time.

I guess we are getting there. Not official.

Make it.

You have your last shot baby.

:)