Shower Rain : Relapse.

Tear streams as shower rains.
As heavy as they could.
As silent as they could.
Clinging each other as droplet falls.
Finding solace in somber embrace.

Raw and nude as ever be.
Body and soul.
Heart versus mind.
Yearning for closure.
Seeking none.

Nobody should ever know.
Nobody should ever bother.
Because the flaw is mine.
One too many to decipher.
Not whole to begin with.
Not yours to begin with.

Emotions they ran free.
Wild and chaotic.
Shameless and unforgiving.
Forcing its way out from misery.
Feed on craze and delusion.

Low as the depth of the ocean floor.
Dark, ugly and brusied.
There you see me fallen and despair.
Rise for certain in due time.
Stronger than ever you shall find.

While time may be not kind.
Memories shall fades in time.
Perhaps.
Another storey ends hanging.
Only future holds the truth.

Set the rain falls hard as it can be.
Washes away doubts and grief.
Days will turns into months.
Soonest.
There you find me rise once more.

#joanne.

Its okay.
Its a good release.
But i wonder due what reason.
Have i decided to walk away again?
Do i wanna?

I think mostly i was devastated not because i have an ending to the matter.
Its because i always have to seek a way to walk out from it.

So that things can go back to normal.
At least it can be applied to others.

I dreamt about you today.
Nothing fancy. As usual.
Always a distance in between.

Oct pls be away soon.

2nd week since.

My eyes' bags got bigger and im getting blinder too.

Guess it is time to get a new spectacles and send out more wrong vibe to others.

I appear even strict and bitchy with glasses.

Sigh. Good also ba. A strong disguise.

So that people will just stay away.

Im happy with the people i know now.

I dont really wish to enlarge my circle of friends.

If i happen to have the rotten ones within the exsiting bunch, then consider myself unlucky.

Photos taken today.

It was super early (for me) and i was super sleepy and my eyes are super tired. Damn. Someone told me that eye bags are sexay. Haha... that cheer up my day. 

Yesterday was our 2nd time outing in 2 weeks after the open negotiation on our relationship.

I still dont know what im doing and how do i carry on with it. 

Are we still on testing term?

Or bff outing? Either way i am fine with both.

I am happy being with you. I really am. At least when i am with you, i know i am being with someone who care and enjoy my presence. You treat me well. I appreciate it. 

Who likes me but not enough to go further. 

Although i really do mind about not knowing how to label my self as best friend or more than friend but not lover... there is nothing else i can do. I hate it when people persuade me into something i dislike. Like wise i hate to persuade another person to do anything for me. If anyone should, he should do it willingly.

If this relationship shall proceed, it must be from his certainty. I hope i will still be there waiting.

Fyi, there are rules for in-between kinda relationship. 

But im definitely opening up chances.

My loyalty is expensive. Its intimate and very deary to me. Something delicate and its the only thing i have for the worthy one. I will hold back. 

It is not that im not willing to give or that im expecting a return goodwill. 

Im afraid to go too far and fall too hard and perhaps this time there wont be any saviour.

I dont wanna lose hope.

Hoping that the reservoir of holding back and faith is sufficient to mend broken heart and try again.

Seriously im very tired. 

You know, i have never been lucky in this kinda matter. Perhaps it was due to some wishes granted with traded lucks. There were desperate time wen i did pray. For my dog and my mom. I prayed for their recovery and times like this i trade with my number of living years and my happiness... things i thought i wouldnt mind losing at least for the loved one, i am willing to trade.

Everyone is afraid of getting hurt. But if i was destined to be hurt, at least i was hurt by a good man and for the entire existence of the relationship was base on nothing but sincerity and truth.

Ultimately perhaps it was worth it.

No one will have an answer for the future and no one can guaranteed forever. 

No one is ever ready.

One often fails and continue to fail cuz one cant surrender to own ego.

We are afraid of failures.

We dont believe.

We cant let go.

I used to believe that there is always someone better. Something better. Further. Future. More. Extra... N years ago.

Like a bee who collects honey. It flies to one flower to another... a selection that will never ends.

Failing to know that the best do not exist.

Compatibility might not either.

Its about the right thing happen on the right time.

By chance or by will.

An exhange of wants and needs.

A lot of understanding.

A lot of compassion.

A lot of compromise.

A lot of love.

The moment you said it was not enough, i guess i am lacking of a lot of The A Lot. 

Thank you for bringing the Thai gifts pack. The whole bag of food and goodies. My goodness. I didnt expect that at all. I was only asking a new water bottle cuz apparently you will keep pester on me not being able to drink 1 litter of water per day.

The banana cake is special but nothing beat this passport holder. 

It has my name imprinted on it. Awhhhh...

When i really like something i wont be able to hold my excitement. And it has a cat there too. Damn!

It was warming to know that it was a DIY gift and everything of it was hand picked by you.

Very touched.

I sound like im easy to please right? 

Gosh. Im pathethic.

Did i have intimidating eyes today?

Why are you avoiding my sights?

:(

What should I do? 

Weird how it seems random quotes in FB somehow sense 

My emotion.

Weird.

Weird.

Weird.

Words

.

Curtain close?

16 Oct 2016

Tws wedding with his beloved wifey.

One that i have been waiting for.

Great reunion with some familiar faces and some favourite companion.

If only i could hand pick those that i love to be with on the same table. But some of them hate each other...  why are people being so difficult to each other?

I would be lying if i say that i wasnt expecting 

Mr Crush to initate a sweet fetching. But he didnt.

Why saturday and not sunday?

Because Sunday has another lady's presence? Avoiding complication?

Or what?

What is with the hot and cold presence?

Thats when i got the answer.

The oddest way.

The unexpected way.

And the entire truth.

It started with a white lie which i took it bad.

You asked me if there is still trust between us? 

I was challenged if i could ever trust again.

Then i question on what trust we base on?

As friend? As best friend? As potential crush?

I dont know what we have.

One thing led to another and the beans were spilled.

I cried, a little... disclosing and knowing the truth because what i have doubted were all true. This was what i was escaping from.

Knowing that i was right after all and yet i cant bring myself to face it.

My instinct was right. 

But im glad i was brave enough to bring it out.

Finally.

It was by chance and i didnt mean to clarify it at all.

I have hinted many times and the way you avoid these hints already tell me enough.

That subject alone took 10 effing months to lift it off my chest. I guess from my blog you could trace back all the heartache. Excluding those which are too emotional and they end up being deleted. 

 Im dissapointed that i was the one who bring up the matter. This will be something i remember for a long time. 

So it was mutual. I wasnt day dreaming or having some fucking illusion. My confidence was shaken and deteriorated along the years due to misjudgements... thus i cant be sure.

And No, This time it was proven that i was right.

But what good does it bring. 

So i was right?

What now?

It was just not enough to get it started. It was a long night chat. It wasnt a comfortable night.

Im glad you have taken the initiative to talk it out face to face the next day because i would have avoided it all. Funny how.

This was the 1st time i was placed in this hot seat and im surprised on how well and steady ive handled it. 

I thought i would bawl out or remain total silence throughout the conversation. I dont know if i could talk and speak my mind. I have the tendency to get teary.

Honestly saying, i never thought i could do it verbally because i didnt know if one will care or ever listen.

There were a few moment i thought i couldnt hold it in anymore and your sincerity to listen almost got me chocked up. Im glad that my big eyes didnt betrayed me. And when the eyes didnt, my voice start shaking. Haha... how come all my nervous system somehow didnt work in coordination that day? So this is how it is when it comes to love matters? Being blind? Being uncoordinate? Being bipolar?

Good is not enough. Almost is never enough. All i have is just not enough.

Good is just bonus. Maybe by comparison i wasnt as perfect as your ex. A glimps of similarity between she and i got me questioning. Am i a replacement for her? Did u like me because i somehow resemble her?

I questioned myself many times the same thing before i decided to wait for your action. 

I was very certain against all the odds that i wasnt a replacement. And everything else doesnt matter.

Or maybe not.

Coming from your place with rough patches and my understanding of you overall made me fully aware of your condition. I respect your decision and answer. That doesnt mean i could accept being a second choice.

The delayed decision made me feel like im returning to last year's misery. 

A lot of guessing game.

A lot of argument. A lot of empty promise.

Abandonment.

A lot of fake illusion and wrong perception.

I was in a really bad place.

Its like im yearning for decision and im being denied.

I feel so hopeless.

It hurts my ego.

For all you know, this ego got me through hell.

But for you, i betray it and I swallow my pride.

I never know how to let go and be more normal but i tried. And i try a little more. Have a little more faith and trust a little more.

Because there is something in you that make me believe that you could be entrusted. Unlike others. 

But entrusment is subjective.

For you, position to clarify truth is also important.

Clearly you have alerted me on my position.

...

Do i deserve this? Why am i enduring this time to time? Do i have problems?

Perhaps i dont worth it?

How? 

My good is not good enough.

...

There is no way we can tell how this is going to end and there is nobody who could promise forever.

I didnt know that i was that comitted until today. It appears that i was sweet talking you in. But no.

I wasnt talking you into this agreement. I respected your thinking cuz that assured me that you are not fooling around. You are looking for a forever. 

But will your forever guaranteed me an eternity?

A promise to uphold our relationship above all, never to cheat and always be loving?

I cant be certain of that. 

Trust is built overtime.

Not by way of confessing.

I choose to believe that if you can, by all means you will never try to hurt me and that you would give me the sense of security that im lacking of. I truly think you're a good person.

Because i only fall for a good man. Ofcourse the charm, the manner and etc etc. Hmmp.

What you could be certain of, of me is my ultimate loyalty. You can be assured that you would get the priority when it comes to timing and decision making. The phone calls. The emotional intimacy and values sharing. It wont be tested until you do me wrong. If you know me good enough, you should know that I pick up vibe easily and im overly sensitive towards changes, senses and all. 

I only expect your equal loyalty and whole truth.

Whatever you could bring to the table is bonus.

I dont know if you could ever love me the way i wanted it. Despite of everything you have learnt over the past relationship, im of different time zone and class. Im a new subject. I am hard to love. I yearn for assurance. Im afraid to be happy. Can you handle me?

All these are just words. Again how could you be certain? For the past one year how do you see me? Do you believe what you've seen? Have you seen the best of me? The worst of me? On what i could offer? Have you see the entire truth of me? Can you accept my flaws?

How do you know? How do you judge?

Apparently you cant or you had seen enough. Thats why i was denied. Or delayed?

What about me on you?

Can i believe everything i know about you is the entire you? I see you letting go bit by bit slowly entrusting me. That gave me a sign of progress. Im happy with the progress. What i like about you are they of certain? Would i be able to accomodate to your flaws? Are there still things about you that i should know but not seen?

You were brave enough to mark your presence. Despite my bitchiness and the 9 feet tall's ice walls, you manage to see it through. By luck or by effort. We end up being close. Perhaps it was kindness effort gone haywired. It was suppose to be a rescue mission but end up as a trap. Now we both stuck.

I really think it takes two joint effort to make a long lasting fwenship/relationship.

You have to fight for it.

You have to respect it.

You have to try to stay true.

And when problems happen we try to fix it.

We try to communicate and hold nothing back.

Against all odd.

Against all other fanciness.

One stays loyal to another.

I didnt know that i could be so vulnerable with you.

You empowered me to disclose the dark side, the well kept heartfelt and my thoughts. They were complicated but everything spilled out that day was somehow clear. I was clear. Mostly because you care to listen.

A lot of time i keep everything to myself because you didnt make me feel that i could give you the privilege. The passage to my dark side. Things i dont wish people to see because they dont have to. And if they do, would they still stay? Will they judge? Will they care? Those who mind doesnt matter. Those matters never mind.

I have nothing for you.

I just have myself.

That is all i got.

Im a lot lacking.

I dont know how capable i am to love someone.

I guess ill never know.

This assigment is new. Everyone has own topic to covers and they have different lecturer and guidence. Incomparable.

I dont want to fail but i would never know if im the right materials to excel in this assignment.

I promise to try on my best effort. Im scared too. Being new attempting new subject out of my comfort zone. I am insecure too. I have no confidence.

If my tutor are willing to accept me after some accessment, does it mean that this could somehow work out?

But if my tutor took me in under his wing but already see me failing what chance do i stand?

No matter what i do, i am not sufficient.

Then why accept me in the first place?

I dont know much.

But I do know that i could love someone enough to walk away if loving me is so difficult, that choosing me is such a difficult decision, that wanting me is an uncertainty.

All i know is that i care of your feeling more than mine. It is always easier to mend own broken heart than else one. I have a way with burrying bad memories and hurts. I just need to stay alert and dont let them come to haunt me.

I would love someone enough to hurt myself to make the decision someone couldnt make.

I would care enough even if it kills me inside to make someone else's life better.

It is not that i couldnt wait. It is the doubts that i cant withstand. 

I too have decision making problem.

Im often indecisive.

You could have choose someone special and better shall you wait and see further ahead. 

One day, the right person will pass by and by instinct you would know that she is the one. One that will not make you hold back anymore. One that you dont need a year of accessment. One that you wont hurt by delaying your decision.

Future awaits and no one will know what it brings.

I wish this loop of misery will die off soon. 

I dont know how many more times my heart can take it. I already started to be afraid of being happy and trying to fall for someone because what it leads to often is misery.

It has been a curse.

This is my loop.

I already try by being difficult.

By being cold. Being nasty. Being ego. Being strong headed. Being independent. Being sexist.

I guess i should just declare that im gay.

How do i end this?

What should i do?

What i already know now cant be unknown.

Should i remember or should i forget?

:(

Ive been foolish.

But i know that you did try.

You did.

Did you try enough?

Did i want enough?

Will i still want this?

Will you still try?

Should i wait?

Can i still trust?

Because i would always wonder and worry if you would like me enough. Could you? Would i be able to tell? By the time you are ready, will i still be borthered by what had happenned?

Thank you for everything. I am a happier person knowing you. I am a better person with your value sharing. What i am certain of is your sincerity and kindness to me when we are spending time together. I cherish them a lot :)

When it was almost certain.

The doubt revisits. 

You and I.

I need a break.

Worry not. I'll be okay.

This is not the 1st but hopefully the last heart torment ill ever face. 

You deserve better.

Promise to be happy always. Shall i choose to walk away, it should only because you would be happier and gain somehing someone better. Make it worthwhile.

You're a wonderful friend and i worship it above all.

Safe flights.

I wish you well :)

See u in a week.

Happy marriage TWS

I wish you well.

I wish you happy :)

Good reunion with some friends.

1st time assisting to accept angpau and taking attendence for a marriage.

You owe me one Wilson Tang.

Fast fast chase a baby boy and make ur mama happy.

I wanna make the baby as my god son too.

Hehehehe....

Compilation of photos lately...

Ada make up selfie lebih cantik kan??

No edit. Camero 360 colour mode only...

Anyway... so long you have pretty selfie people will judge anyway.

I happen to be photogenic.

Whats your problem?

Genesis and wifey.

Me n my old flame.

Current one?

Lost in the juggle. No where to be seen.

I wonder where he could wander about.

Me n my fav colleague.

She got proposed just yesterday :)

Im so happy for her esp knowing a lot about her relationship with her Mr nice man.

For a person who is unlucky in love like myself, 

I celebrated her happiness like my own.

I was touched when she narates her love and working journey to me and that we became friends and everything was great up to now :)

We shared this the very least. That our union as friends are a mutual privilage.

Pretty Juan :) 

Everyone is confused with Juan and Joanne. 

Im difficult and complicated.

I am simple and emotionally vulnerable.

Perception is how you mirror yourself. 

What do you see in me?

Would you like to know?

Or would you like to judge?

Perhaps it doesnt worth it.

October 2016. New begining.

Hi October.

Hi last quater of the year 2016.

As far as i recalled, i had rough patches on every last quarter of the year since year 2013. Last year was no exception despite every effort of me trying to make a change. This year will be different.
Let me.

I have been MIA for sometimes highlighting nothing these past few weeks. Couldnt find the mood and a vibrant mode to start with.

Im releasing my blog in public today. After much consideration, i realised i couldnt be bothered much anymore. Read on your own risk. If you are bewildered or unhappy with anything i post at my private blog... i herein appologise and that should be it. :) I couldnt care much now. My thoughts of my perception is entirely of my own.

I realised that liking and caring for someone weakened me. It degrades me. I didnt feel empowered cuz i got myself nervous for no reason while effort might mostly unappreciated. Im also prone to panic attacks. Thus i think i need some private adjustment.

I have been having sleeping difficulties. I just dont wish to sleep. Almost everyday i found myself at 2am 3am... i dislike the feeling of trying to sleep. I dont want to lie on the bed giving chance for the brain to wonder and wander far off which possibly leads me to unhappy thinking. And when i feel miserable, my late baby dog will sensed me and came to my dream and that got me more upset in the next morning.

Im at a phase whereby personal and work life got to a stagnant stage where i couldnt find excitment and certainties. Relationship wise, im not sure if im even in one now got me feeling insecure. Personal achievement... zero growth since my last boss is promoted 2 years ago. But me and my gf did managed to book ahead a trip to sarawak coming december after much debates on timing and delays. Other than that... all others are mediocre.

Do we call this mid life crisis? I thot midlife should only start at 50 yrs old. Again ive forgotten that ive set my life ending by 50 yrs old. Yes. Im in deed in my mid life crisis period. Omg omg omg!

Lets see what i need to cover.
Genesis Khoo's wedding. My senior, my colleague's wedding. I actually prepared a speech and some messages dedicated to you and wifey as per asked. But since i didnt confirmed with u, i think you thought i wouldnt want to. Anyhow, im pretty sure you would know what i have in mind.
Im happy that you both are married and that you are now legally entitled to fuck day and night with full of love and passion. Pls bring a healthy baby boy out by next year and let him be my god son. :)

Today is Juan's wedding. Another colleague's wedding at Sg Pelek. Not very close but we grow close over the year and i wishes you eternal happiness my dear. You have a happy go lucky personality and that is a gift. You bring alot of fun to people and i wish it stays with you and in return much happiness devoted back to you.

I used to be labelled as happy go lucky kinda gal too. That word has never been used on me for the longest time i could remember. I never was. I just know how to be lively doesnt mean i love to be or i am one.

I read an article that day and it seriously is an imprint definitive article about me. It talks about how perfectly happy to be an unhappy person and how to diferentiate between i am unhappy and i am not a happy person.

this HTML class. Value is http://theoatmeal.co

Read it and u might find another perception on life and how you label someone and perhaps you would think twice before dropping a judgement on others.

These are the reports i have done on my lil sisters.

Aka beloved boobies. My 2 mil assets.

7 yrs ago i found some hardening items on my left breast. So being a science student and me being aware of such items are of no good to your body, i quickly get it checked. Being worried and a virgin (yes still) and the whole family got so aggitated, we went to a woman doctor who happened to be rude, offensive, judgemental and a bitch. She rulled out that the benign aka cyst is no harm and i dont have to awaken the whole family to be fearful of it. Yes. No thanks to my tearful grandma and my fearfull mother of which she singled mindedly rulled that i have made the huge fuss out of a not harmful cyst.

The way she checked and twisted my nipple just to be sure (i wonder) of her examination made me feel like i was being raped. 

Since she was dead sure it was nothing so i continue to deny its presence and continue to ignore the mild pain i had during pms n period time. 

It didnt borther me when i had fun with masturbation. So... i just let it unchecked for the past years since.

Until lately i realised that there are a few other spot that i found hardening items. Not just one at the usual spot. And other little peculiarness. So i get myself checked while my mom do her regular yearly check up. Another lady. Another popular lady doctor.

It was serious hurt with my boobs were slightly full during pms and the scanner pressed hard on them. Pity lil sisters. Goddammit. 

And there are indeed a few others cysts in both of them. Very tiny. Not harmful unless they got bigger to the great size of a grape. And if my maths didnt fail me, it was almost 7 years ago mia presence and it has yet to grow one bit. Just the fact that it was slightly hard thus, i was encourage to eat some supplement to soften it. Well. Same advise. The last supplement i was given was left expired after a few horrific consumption. I hate to take medicine

 Anything bigger than 0.5cm in diameter is huge!

Im a dummy in pills consumption and i got chocked time to time when i was a kid.

When i got sick, which is hardly it would be a big.massive.fever which will only recover in weeks. Imagine the fever pills which needed to be melt in hot water for consumption? You had no idea. That was then though.

Hmmp. Yea. Guess i wont die of breast cancer as i predicted :)

It is pretty odd for us to date each other without the 38 geng. But im glad we made it. A desert dinner and a movie. And more communication between us made me realize how similar we are. I was off on friday and i was continuedly not dated by a preffered person. So i ask the bday gal out.

I hope im more open with opposite sex invitation as well. We shall see about it.

That "not gonna die because of breast cancer" came at the right time on oct 1st. The month start of with a predictable good news and it shall only get better. 

Since i cant use sickness as a pressure to live wonderfully and work has been as hell mediocre as well, i gotta find another worth while item i can hold on to. 

Im fine thank you.

Im loved thank you.

Im an average Jo trying her best to make everyday okay and everything's on tract.

I did okay. I did fine.

Everything else is bonus and perhaps good deeds returns. 

I told my gf that there is no rush in finding the one that matters. Just be well prepared, healthy and happy and when the right one come, we are ready. 

I guess i appear not as above and im messy shit that is why i was thought and defined as not ready by others. 

Be appreciative.

Im not what other sees in me. 

I am what i see in myself.

Roar lil kitten :)