Curtain close?

16 Oct 2016

Tws wedding with his beloved wifey.

One that i have been waiting for.

Great reunion with some familiar faces and some favourite companion.

If only i could hand pick those that i love to be with on the same table. But some of them hate each other...  why are people being so difficult to each other?

I would be lying if i say that i wasnt expecting 

Mr Crush to initate a sweet fetching. But he didnt.

Why saturday and not sunday?

Because Sunday has another lady's presence? Avoiding complication?

Or what?

What is with the hot and cold presence?

Thats when i got the answer.

The oddest way.

The unexpected way.

And the entire truth.

It started with a white lie which i took it bad.

You asked me if there is still trust between us? 

I was challenged if i could ever trust again.

Then i question on what trust we base on?

As friend? As best friend? As potential crush?

I dont know what we have.

One thing led to another and the beans were spilled.

I cried, a little... disclosing and knowing the truth because what i have doubted were all true. This was what i was escaping from.

Knowing that i was right after all and yet i cant bring myself to face it.

My instinct was right. 

But im glad i was brave enough to bring it out.

Finally.

It was by chance and i didnt mean to clarify it at all.

I have hinted many times and the way you avoid these hints already tell me enough.

That subject alone took 10 effing months to lift it off my chest. I guess from my blog you could trace back all the heartache. Excluding those which are too emotional and they end up being deleted. 

 Im dissapointed that i was the one who bring up the matter. This will be something i remember for a long time. 

So it was mutual. I wasnt day dreaming or having some fucking illusion. My confidence was shaken and deteriorated along the years due to misjudgements... thus i cant be sure.

And No, This time it was proven that i was right.

But what good does it bring. 

So i was right?

What now?

It was just not enough to get it started. It was a long night chat. It wasnt a comfortable night.

Im glad you have taken the initiative to talk it out face to face the next day because i would have avoided it all. Funny how.

This was the 1st time i was placed in this hot seat and im surprised on how well and steady ive handled it. 

I thought i would bawl out or remain total silence throughout the conversation. I dont know if i could talk and speak my mind. I have the tendency to get teary.

Honestly saying, i never thought i could do it verbally because i didnt know if one will care or ever listen.

There were a few moment i thought i couldnt hold it in anymore and your sincerity to listen almost got me chocked up. Im glad that my big eyes didnt betrayed me. And when the eyes didnt, my voice start shaking. Haha... how come all my nervous system somehow didnt work in coordination that day? So this is how it is when it comes to love matters? Being blind? Being uncoordinate? Being bipolar?

Good is not enough. Almost is never enough. All i have is just not enough.

Good is just bonus. Maybe by comparison i wasnt as perfect as your ex. A glimps of similarity between she and i got me questioning. Am i a replacement for her? Did u like me because i somehow resemble her?

I questioned myself many times the same thing before i decided to wait for your action. 

I was very certain against all the odds that i wasnt a replacement. And everything else doesnt matter.

Or maybe not.

Coming from your place with rough patches and my understanding of you overall made me fully aware of your condition. I respect your decision and answer. That doesnt mean i could accept being a second choice.

The delayed decision made me feel like im returning to last year's misery. 

A lot of guessing game.

A lot of argument. A lot of empty promise.

Abandonment.

A lot of fake illusion and wrong perception.

I was in a really bad place.

Its like im yearning for decision and im being denied.

I feel so hopeless.

It hurts my ego.

For all you know, this ego got me through hell.

But for you, i betray it and I swallow my pride.

I never know how to let go and be more normal but i tried. And i try a little more. Have a little more faith and trust a little more.

Because there is something in you that make me believe that you could be entrusted. Unlike others. 

But entrusment is subjective.

For you, position to clarify truth is also important.

Clearly you have alerted me on my position.

...

Do i deserve this? Why am i enduring this time to time? Do i have problems?

Perhaps i dont worth it?

How? 

My good is not good enough.

...

There is no way we can tell how this is going to end and there is nobody who could promise forever.

I didnt know that i was that comitted until today. It appears that i was sweet talking you in. But no.

I wasnt talking you into this agreement. I respected your thinking cuz that assured me that you are not fooling around. You are looking for a forever. 

But will your forever guaranteed me an eternity?

A promise to uphold our relationship above all, never to cheat and always be loving?

I cant be certain of that. 

Trust is built overtime.

Not by way of confessing.

I choose to believe that if you can, by all means you will never try to hurt me and that you would give me the sense of security that im lacking of. I truly think you're a good person.

Because i only fall for a good man. Ofcourse the charm, the manner and etc etc. Hmmp.

What you could be certain of, of me is my ultimate loyalty. You can be assured that you would get the priority when it comes to timing and decision making. The phone calls. The emotional intimacy and values sharing. It wont be tested until you do me wrong. If you know me good enough, you should know that I pick up vibe easily and im overly sensitive towards changes, senses and all. 

I only expect your equal loyalty and whole truth.

Whatever you could bring to the table is bonus.

I dont know if you could ever love me the way i wanted it. Despite of everything you have learnt over the past relationship, im of different time zone and class. Im a new subject. I am hard to love. I yearn for assurance. Im afraid to be happy. Can you handle me?

All these are just words. Again how could you be certain? For the past one year how do you see me? Do you believe what you've seen? Have you seen the best of me? The worst of me? On what i could offer? Have you see the entire truth of me? Can you accept my flaws?

How do you know? How do you judge?

Apparently you cant or you had seen enough. Thats why i was denied. Or delayed?

What about me on you?

Can i believe everything i know about you is the entire you? I see you letting go bit by bit slowly entrusting me. That gave me a sign of progress. Im happy with the progress. What i like about you are they of certain? Would i be able to accomodate to your flaws? Are there still things about you that i should know but not seen?

You were brave enough to mark your presence. Despite my bitchiness and the 9 feet tall's ice walls, you manage to see it through. By luck or by effort. We end up being close. Perhaps it was kindness effort gone haywired. It was suppose to be a rescue mission but end up as a trap. Now we both stuck.

I really think it takes two joint effort to make a long lasting fwenship/relationship.

You have to fight for it.

You have to respect it.

You have to try to stay true.

And when problems happen we try to fix it.

We try to communicate and hold nothing back.

Against all odd.

Against all other fanciness.

One stays loyal to another.

I didnt know that i could be so vulnerable with you.

You empowered me to disclose the dark side, the well kept heartfelt and my thoughts. They were complicated but everything spilled out that day was somehow clear. I was clear. Mostly because you care to listen.

A lot of time i keep everything to myself because you didnt make me feel that i could give you the privilege. The passage to my dark side. Things i dont wish people to see because they dont have to. And if they do, would they still stay? Will they judge? Will they care? Those who mind doesnt matter. Those matters never mind.

I have nothing for you.

I just have myself.

That is all i got.

Im a lot lacking.

I dont know how capable i am to love someone.

I guess ill never know.

This assigment is new. Everyone has own topic to covers and they have different lecturer and guidence. Incomparable.

I dont want to fail but i would never know if im the right materials to excel in this assignment.

I promise to try on my best effort. Im scared too. Being new attempting new subject out of my comfort zone. I am insecure too. I have no confidence.

If my tutor are willing to accept me after some accessment, does it mean that this could somehow work out?

But if my tutor took me in under his wing but already see me failing what chance do i stand?

No matter what i do, i am not sufficient.

Then why accept me in the first place?

I dont know much.

But I do know that i could love someone enough to walk away if loving me is so difficult, that choosing me is such a difficult decision, that wanting me is an uncertainty.

All i know is that i care of your feeling more than mine. It is always easier to mend own broken heart than else one. I have a way with burrying bad memories and hurts. I just need to stay alert and dont let them come to haunt me.

I would love someone enough to hurt myself to make the decision someone couldnt make.

I would care enough even if it kills me inside to make someone else's life better.

It is not that i couldnt wait. It is the doubts that i cant withstand. 

I too have decision making problem.

Im often indecisive.

You could have choose someone special and better shall you wait and see further ahead. 

One day, the right person will pass by and by instinct you would know that she is the one. One that will not make you hold back anymore. One that you dont need a year of accessment. One that you wont hurt by delaying your decision.

Future awaits and no one will know what it brings.

I wish this loop of misery will die off soon. 

I dont know how many more times my heart can take it. I already started to be afraid of being happy and trying to fall for someone because what it leads to often is misery.

It has been a curse.

This is my loop.

I already try by being difficult.

By being cold. Being nasty. Being ego. Being strong headed. Being independent. Being sexist.

I guess i should just declare that im gay.

How do i end this?

What should i do?

What i already know now cant be unknown.

Should i remember or should i forget?

:(

Ive been foolish.

But i know that you did try.

You did.

Did you try enough?

Did i want enough?

Will i still want this?

Will you still try?

Should i wait?

Can i still trust?

Because i would always wonder and worry if you would like me enough. Could you? Would i be able to tell? By the time you are ready, will i still be borthered by what had happenned?

Thank you for everything. I am a happier person knowing you. I am a better person with your value sharing. What i am certain of is your sincerity and kindness to me when we are spending time together. I cherish them a lot :)

When it was almost certain.

The doubt revisits. 

You and I.

I need a break.

Worry not. I'll be okay.

This is not the 1st but hopefully the last heart torment ill ever face. 

You deserve better.

Promise to be happy always. Shall i choose to walk away, it should only because you would be happier and gain somehing someone better. Make it worthwhile.

You're a wonderful friend and i worship it above all.

Safe flights.

I wish you well :)

See u in a week.